This is one of those notes I’ve spent far too long puzzling over. The frustratingly random capitalization, the misuse of/missing punctuation, the center justification, and of course, THE BOX. WHY THE BOX?
Sir/ma’am, I will gladly supply you with as many Baby Ruths as you can stuff down your gullet if you can reconstruct the thought process that led to this note.
related: and yet…the pink flowers?
129 responses so far ↓
#1
aaa
Who failed English? Numerous English skills are missing.
If you would have asked, I would have taught you grammar.
Aug 5, 2009 at 11:13 pm rating: +37
#2
Spike Nesmith
Isn’t the 7th commandment, “thou shalt use proper punctuation”?
It bloody well should be.
Aug 5, 2009 at 11:16 pm rating: +6
#3
Canthz_B
Did someone have to swear they had her permission to get her candy bar?
Aug 5, 2009 at 11:28 pm rating: +1
#4
Canthz_B
If I’d have asked, you’d have given! Ha!
I’ve seen how you treat the homeless dude in front of the building!
Aug 5, 2009 at 11:31 pm rating: +9
#5
Canthz_B
It never ceases to amaze me that the people who get so pissed off about their pilfered sweets, are the ones who profess most loudly that they’d gladly give them away.
Can’t they just pretend that they did something selfless and donated their candy to a diabetic in crisis?
Aug 5, 2009 at 11:36 pm rating: +18
#6
Silhouette
Before things get too complicated, let it be known that, to quote wikipedia, “Various religions parse the commandments differently.” The prohibition of stealing is the 8th commandment for some, the 7th for others.
We thank you for your time and return you to your regularly scheduled snarking.
Aug 5, 2009 at 11:37 pm rating: +10
#7
endless questions
Dumbass shouldn’t have been hoarding candy.
She (and I KNOW it’s a woman) probably would have given them one, but then would’ve posted a note about how “OTHER PEOPLE should Get Their OWN candy To bring” or something.
Aug 5, 2009 at 11:41 pm rating: +10
#8
Silhouette
The box is there to highlight its angelic willingness to share. It’s like a halo for its words
Aug 5, 2009 at 11:48 pm rating: +26
#9
Andy
I find the comments on these notes just as, if not more, entertaining than the notes themselves.
Aug 5, 2009 at 11:54 pm rating: +2
#10
Chibigodzilla
As far as the box, I bet that it was a powerpoint template.
As far as the content, I love that the author took the time to write “would have” (rather than “would of” or “woudda”) even though “had” would have been more grammatically accurate.
Aug 6, 2009 at 12:02 am rating: +4
#11
Canthz_B
Maybe the box is to show that it’s an obscure biblical quote.
He is a loving God, if one will just come unto Him.
Aug 6, 2009 at 12:03 am rating: 0
#12
bean
bitch, jesus told them to steal your candy bars. fifth deadly sin and all; two wrongs make a right when the jesus says it does.
Aug 6, 2009 at 12:43 am rating: +2
#13
thatjessicagirl
I’ll tell you why the box: it’s the box where she places all the lies. It doesn’t break the seventh (?) commandment if you put it in a box. Everyone knows that.
If you had asked her (yes, “her”) she would have stabbed you in the eyeball.
Little known fact: If you’re on your period and someone tries to steal your chocolate, it is considered “self defense” to stab the thief in the eyeball.
Aug 6, 2009 at 12:45 am rating: +22
#14
Julia
It seems the latest trend in PAN writing is claiming you’d have given something to someone (as long as they asked) after they’ve taken it, when clearly, you would have done no such thing if they’d actually asked.
I mean come on. If I have two candy bars and someone asks for one, I’m going to tell them to go to hell. What commandment does THAT break?
Aug 6, 2009 at 1:15 am rating: +4
#15
TheOldSchool
The eighth commandment, according to the catholic and lutheran churches is: “thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.”
I don’t know how it relates to this twat-faced gentleman’s missing Baby Ruth bars, but I do think it is one of the more problematic commandments.
For starters, wh0 qualifies as a neighbor? All Canadians? People who live on your street? Everyone in your cluster of cubicles? The gentleman in the peepshow booth next to yours?
Then, when it says “bear false witness,” does that include gossiping about someone?
Most gossip is based on stories one has heard from someone about another person.
It is never spread solely by the witness alone.
(Two caveats: (1) An obsessive/compulsive who is quite reasonably hellbent on settling some old scores. (2) A c-list celebutard desperate for any kind of publicity whatsoever.)
So spreading gossip is wrong.
What if it’s true?
Mostly true?
I’m also troubled by the word, “shalt.”
Methinks it to be not only archaic and antiquated, but also, I daresay, cuntish and twee.
Aug 6, 2009 at 3:16 am rating: 0
#16
Eternally Distracted
Really not sure what’s more confusing … The note or the comments! I am getting dizzy reading it all ;0)
Aug 6, 2009 at 4:17 am rating: +1
#17
A
If it is true that she will give up her food on request, there must be a soup-kitchen queue surrounding the office building.
Somehow I suspect that when someone asked her for change her actual response was “get a job.”
Aug 6, 2009 at 5:24 am rating: +6
#18
K
I like how the note-leaver believes this is important enough to be stuck over the pre-existing laminated note with the yellow background, which likely contains more food etiquette rules/suggestions, hopefully better formatted.
Now nobody’s going to remember to clean out the fridge on Friday, all because someone cleaned Miss 8th Commandment out of candy. Let the resulting mold be forever on her conscience!
Aug 6, 2009 at 6:32 am rating: +4
#19
Wade
The note writer is certain of the identity of the culprit: the first baseman.
Aug 6, 2009 at 6:44 am rating: +6
#20
anglophile
Not only did I steal your Baby Ruths, I’ve also been coveting your ass for months.
Aug 6, 2009 at 7:30 am rating: +5
#21
Pob
If the note writer was going to hand the bar over anyway, shouldn’t they be thanking the thief for saving them a bit of time and redundant questioning?
Aug 6, 2009 at 8:22 am rating: +4
#22
harmonicpies
Missing Baby Ruths? Did she think to check the pool first?
Aug 6, 2009 at 8:43 am rating: +14
#23
GhostWriter
Despite all the religious bantering, nobody has yet pointed out the obvious.
Moses broke the 8th commandment (along with the rest of them) in Exodus 32:19.
Aug 6, 2009 at 10:35 am rating: 0
#24
Wade
“If you would have asked, I would have given it to you” sounds less like an offer and more like a Dalek threat.
Aug 6, 2009 at 11:04 am rating: +8
#25
robyn
Keep your Baby Ruth In your Desk, away From the thieves!
Aug 6, 2009 at 11:10 am rating: +2
#26
Neeners
I will gladly pay you Tuesday for two candy bars stolen today.
Aug 6, 2009 at 11:57 am rating: +4
#27
mamason
“If you would have asked, I would have given to you.”
My motto all through high school…
and college…
and my 30’s.
Aug 6, 2009 at 12:13 pm rating: +13
#28
Spiffy
… for whither thou goest, I will go. and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy candy bar my candy bar…
Aug 6, 2009 at 12:19 pm rating: +3
#29
T imo®
Well it was a Baby Ruth, the most sensuous of the snack bars.
Aug 6, 2009 at 1:26 pm rating: +2
#30
Garwood B. Jones
Who broke the 8th commandment?
Yes, not the pronoun, but rather a co-worker with the unlikely name of ‘Who’ broke the 8th commandment.
Aug 6, 2009 at 3:02 pm rating: +3
#31
mamason
Those Baby Ruth candy bars were my baby’s chocolate-covered peanuts, caramel, and nougat for the day!
Aug 6, 2009 at 3:41 pm rating: +7
#32
Neeners
There seems to be a theme on these religious fanatic PAN’s. They always say “If you would have asked, I would have given it to you”.
I cry bullshit on all the sanctimony. If those hypocrites really meant that, they would not have to make a big deal out of it in the first place and realize the BR candy temptation was as great as the temptation of Christ and mere mortals can’t stand up to that kind of rigorous testing.
If that were the
Aug 6, 2009 at 7:10 pm rating: 0
#33
C.S. Harmonikah
I thought the 8th commandment was “Thou shalt not let teh gays marry”
In my defense, i did attend a southern baptist church as a child.
Aug 6, 2009 at 7:33 pm rating: 0
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