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Love is a mixed-signals tape

August 25th, 2009 · 83 comments

Based on this Valentine — found by Matthew at his share house in London — I am citing Jane with a serious “misuse of mixtape” violation. (And “by the way,” talk about burying the lead!)

Jane, minxes like you are what keep the Seth Cohen/Landry Clarks of the world pining away for the unattainable Summer Roberts/Tyra Collettes of the world instead of making a go of it with the smart, punky, emotionally available girl with cute glasses who is so clearly the better choice. I reserve judgment on Gareth only because this note was found abandoned in a share house he no longer lives in, rather than being pressed into a scrapbook somewhere. Let’s hope he’s moved on from his infatuation with this unemployed little cock-tease.

Sorry, I don't actually fancy you, by the way! Have a nice day! Love, Jane

related: Textbook Dmitri

FILED UNDER: burying the lead · have a nice day · heart · mean girls · signed with love

83 responses so far ↓

  • #1   sonicmega bang

    This is about the time that he responds commenting about the dinner they shared and then adding, “It turns out I have herpes. Yeah, you might want to get that checked.”

    Aug 25, 2009 at 10:54 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Meesh


      ‘Thanks for the mix CD. I plan to use the edge of it to cut lines of coke on my girlfriend’s stomach before we screw like rabbits. Good luck with the job search!”

      Aug 26, 2009 at 11:20 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

  • #2   T imo®

    “Sorry I don’t fancy you. BTW this is actually a mix tape re-gifting. “

    Aug 25, 2009 at 11:03 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

  • #3   penfold

    mmmmm nothing like the post fling ego playoff to stuff with the old confidence is there?

    Aug 25, 2009 at 11:04 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #4   Canthz_B bang

    Oh, she’ll get hers. She used a Boomerang postcard!

    Aug 25, 2009 at 11:05 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   cheesyMonkey

      Wrong. It clearly says the postcard is Boomerang free.

      Aug 26, 2009 at 4:10 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #5   hellocello

    If you’ve date in Constantinople, she’ll be waiting in Tokyo.

    The different pen for the hearts really makes it for me.

    Aug 25, 2009 at 11:06 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   park rose bang

      And on a (free) postcard created for St. Valentine’s Day. I’m appreciating her evil genius. Could she push the dagger, or letter opener, in any deeper?

      Aug 25, 2009 at 11:16 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #5.2   park rose

      Hellocello, just because I think you should be green, though it’s early days yet, They Might Be Giants (and I know it’s a song older than these two fellas).

      Aug 26, 2009 at 6:58 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #5.3   anglophile bang

      Why’d she make it? I can’t say!
      Jane just likes to taunt you this way!

      Aug 26, 2009 at 7:18 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

  • #6   Canthz_B bang

    Hopefully, Gareth was practicing his strangle grip when he crushed the postcard like Jane crushed his hopes and dreams.
    Be afraid, Jane…be very afraid.

    Aug 25, 2009 at 11:13 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #7   Will

    I always make Mix CDs referencing shared romantic places of the past and mail them to people, along with notes reminding them I don’t have any interest in them. It keeps them salivating and wanting me, which feeds my ego, and it keeps the dark lord Satan satisfied. Also, I slaughter kittens needlessly and send money to Fox News.

    Aug 25, 2009 at 11:16 pm   rating: 81  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Canthz_B bang

      I don’t mind you satisfying Satan or killing kittens, but I cannot countenance funding Fox News. You are evil personified!

      Aug 25, 2009 at 11:21 pm   rating: 39  small thumbs up

    • #7.2   park rose bang

      Agreed, CB. Funding Fox News is keeping the dark lord Satan satisfied, isn’t it?

      Aug 25, 2009 at 11:23 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #7.3   Canthz_B bang

      Of all his unholy names, “Rupert” is the most feared and hated.

      Aug 25, 2009 at 11:25 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #7.4   techimpaired

      Fox news!?! (shudders and whimpers)
      Wash away the horror.
      Wash away the horror…….

      Aug 26, 2009 at 9:51 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #8   you suck at craigslist

    Hopefully Gareth didn’t end up standing outside her window holding the postcard over his head.

    Aug 25, 2009 at 11:16 pm   rating: 31  small thumbs up

  • #9   HorusKol

    “One of a set of postcards created for St. Valentine’s Day”

    Just so you can screw with some poor guy’s mind?

    Aug 25, 2009 at 11:22 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   Michey

      Since it’s a boomerang, it means she loves herself.

      Aug 25, 2009 at 11:26 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #10   Will

    Your “Gareth” is an idiot, obviously!

    Aug 25, 2009 at 11:25 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   park rose bang

      We don’t call her the Goddess for nothing!

      Aug 25, 2009 at 11:40 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #11   Eila

    I can tell that if I met her in real life she’d be really pretentious and annoying.

    Aug 25, 2009 at 11:28 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Scribbles the Monkey

      I’m wondering how her unemployed ass could afford to stay and club in Japan…

      Aug 26, 2009 at 10:58 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #11.2   TheOldSchool bang


      Judging by her signature, I’d surmise that Jane walks the streets of Tokyo, finding rare, and highly valuable ancient coins with the aid of an inexpensive metal detector.

      Aug 26, 2009 at 4:03 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #12   Canthz_B bang

    Does The Royal Mail provide these cards free of charge?
    It would have been nice if she’d gotten a new one and re-written her message if she found she regretted having drawn the hearts.

    But then, where’s the joy in that?
    Happy Valentine’s Day, you homely bastard!!

    Aug 25, 2009 at 11:37 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #13   Shanker

    Who the fuck still makes mix tapes??? The cassette player is to close to the boom box, bitch!!!

    Aug 25, 2009 at 11:41 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   Watchtower bang

      I respect the mixed tape. Quality sucked, but the effort was apparent. A good mix tape technician ensures the pause button is used instead of the soul crushing click of the stop, and in extreme cases two different machines transfer music from one source to another instead of a dub. There was obvious effort here.

      The mixed CD took way less time, even though the quality was better. Lasted about as long as a mixed tape though.

      Creation of a playlist is not even worth mentioning as a romantic gesture. There is dramatically less work involved. The romantic equivilent of 3 Chicken Mcnuggets on your 1 year anniversary. And playlists last as long as (can’t think of a good analogy, help me out)

      Mixed Tape > Mixed CD > McNuggets (4 or more, but no dipping sauce) > Playlist.

      Aug 26, 2009 at 12:17 am   rating: 35  small thumbs up

    • #13.2   anglophile bang

      Where does the KFC mixed bucket on your anniversary fit into the equation, Watchtower?

      Just so I know how mad to get.

      Aug 26, 2009 at 7:22 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #13.3   Watchtower bang

      This is a very astute question.

      The KFC mixed bucket has been a way to say, “I have feelings for you, but can only express it through chicken.” since its earliest conceptual stages in the late ’80s. Thanks to most circles (except the vegetarian ones) accepting this as a legitimate gift for anniversaries, Valentine’s day, birthdays, or Bat Mitzvahs , the mixed bucket has become a healthy alternative cyber stalking.
      I can think of many crappy mixes where I would have preferred the mixed bucket to the mixed tape as a gift. I kid you not, the mixed bucket is romantic, and nothing says romance like watching someone eat fried chicken.

      Aug 26, 2009 at 8:43 am   rating: 21  small thumbs up

    • #13.4   farcical aquatic ceremony

      I think she knew he didn’t have a tape player and chose the tape mix format on purpose just to frustrate him further. In retaliation, he should send her an expired airline ticket to Japan, dried-up pink highlighters and blue pens, and notices for jobs she’d love but that have already been filled.

      Aug 26, 2009 at 9:26 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #13.5   Shadow Lurker

      Oh crap – dinner on my anniversary signifies something? I’m guessing frozen pizza for my 5th means trouble. Or it can only get better.

      Aug 26, 2009 at 10:55 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #13.6   InYourSleep

      Dude frozen pizza is the shit ! It means that it’s at the very best ! ( unless it’s supreme , or has onions and mushrooms )

      Apr 28, 2010 at 9:16 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #14   becstar

    The smart, punky, emotionally available girl with cute glasses who is so clearly the better choice thanks you from the bottom of her emotionally available heart!

    Aug 26, 2009 at 12:03 am   rating: 32  small thumbs up

  • #15   TheOldSchool bang

    I think it’s kinda sweet that Jane thought to include a tape of some of the songs that she heard in a disco while she was out fucking random assholes with strange haircuts in a distant land.

    Now, whenever Gareth recalls one of those songs, I’ll bet he leans way back in his cubicle chair, thinks of Jane drinking, dancing, and getting her tonsils whitewashed and knees scraped in the alley, and then he just smiles, thinks warm thoughts about her.

    Aug 26, 2009 at 12:53 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

  • #16   Curious

    I want to see the front of the card too.

    Sending someone a Valentine’s Day postcard to tell them that you’re not interested in them? Stay classy. What a bitch.

    Aug 26, 2009 at 12:57 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #17   Canthz_B bang

    ♫ What becomes of the broken-hearted? ♫

    They move out of their share house, never to be seen, nor heard from, again.

    Aug 26, 2009 at 1:18 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   Watchtower bang

      Better than moving in to Cher’s house, never to be seen, nor heard from, again. *shudder*

      Aug 26, 2009 at 8:47 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #17.2   Girl Friday

      Watchtower, you gave me a visual of Cher yelling, “It puts the lotion on it’s skin…” with “If I could turn back time” playing in the background.

      I think I just came up with the next huge Oil of Olay Marketing scheme.

      Dude, I need to lay off the pot.

      Aug 26, 2009 at 8:57 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #17.3   MAMARILLA2 bang

      ♫ If I could find my clothes…. ♫

      Aug 26, 2009 at 12:29 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #18   cee

    oh, how i long for my own seth cohen or landry clark. but sadly i am the smart girl with glasses.

    Aug 26, 2009 at 2:15 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   Anniee451

      Is a laundry clark anything like a char woman? I’m getting such a Dickensian vibe here.

      Aug 26, 2009 at 7:50 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #19   bea

    I am the smart, emotionally available girl with cute glasses! Sigh…

    Aug 26, 2009 at 2:30 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   Canthz_B bang

      Wow! A sudden deluge of “Just my types!”

      I have spare glasses wipes! *wink* :lol:

      Aug 26, 2009 at 3:23 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #19.2   T imo® bang

      I was the smart, sarcastic, emotionally available guy with the ironic glasses but the girl I wanted was pining away for some Gareth guy!
      Gareth? Who the fuck gives their kid a lispers delight name like that!?

      Aug 26, 2009 at 9:25 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #19.3   Beanster bang

      i always loved guys like you timo.
      ne’er a derek or a justin in my book of former loves.

      and i’m hot.

      Aug 26, 2009 at 2:47 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #19.4   T imo® bang

      Awww Beanster you make me blush. :oops:
      *kicks toe of shoe at the ground *

      Aug 26, 2009 at 9:26 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #20   Downundersugarglider

    bonus points for the fun post title!

    Aug 26, 2009 at 2:58 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #21   Matt Wilson

    She is heartless! She’s like the little girl in the Oscar Wilde story who hears the dwarf died of a broken heart and then says from now on don’t send me anyone who has a heart.

    Aug 26, 2009 at 4:07 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

  • #22   Kate

    Hi Gareth,

    I’ve sent you this and then I’m going to tear your hear in two and kick you soundly in the balls.

    Love Jane

    Aug 26, 2009 at 4:27 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #23   April

    I married a Landry Clark. I also was the girl with glasses. Guys are idiots, I wore glasses but the glasses could come off dumbasses and underneath was a hot dancer chick who was crazy flexible. Too bad, so sad, they missed out.

    Young girls don’t get it. It is the Landry Clarks of the world that won’t cheat on you or treat you like dirt. They are the ones you want. I never fell for the bad boy or the prom king, I could always tell they were jerks.

    Aug 26, 2009 at 6:36 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

  • #24   Banessa

    Let’s just read between the lines: Hi Gareth! I had to make a mix tape for you because I’m too broke to afford a CD burner… in fact, I’m jobless and really feel like I’m entitled to have someone else support me and you don’t make enough money. Well, I guess that means I don’t fancy you! Love, Jane

    Aug 26, 2009 at 8:55 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #25   aaa bang



    I made this crappy mix tape specially for you. I’m using a tape because I think I’m being a bitchin hipster kid by using retro technology. And I’m not being facetious about the genius thing. I really do think I am that clever. I’ve never really been to Japan, I just found that club “Istanbul” on the internet and have been pining away about it ever since.

    I don’t care about how you’re really doing because I’m kinda crazy obsessed with you and thus project my image of how I want you to be/think you are onto you. I’m looking for a job that’s a block away from your share house, by the way…

    Well, I hope you come to your senses and realized how obsessed I am with you. I’m just telling you I don’t fancy you because I’m playing “hard to get.” Real clever, eh? I HOPE YOU NEVER HAVE A GOOD DAY AGAIN UNTIL YOU COME LIVE WITH ME AND FEED MY OBSESSION. I TOTALLY WON’T START WEARING ALL YOUR CLOTHES OR THREATENING YOUR FRIENDS OR KILLING YOUR PETS OR ANYTHING. TOTALLY.

    Love, Jane

    Aug 26, 2009 at 9:31 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   park rose bang

      I guess cheesey mix CD translates into mixed tape for all bitchin hipster kids out there. And you Shanker @13 too (and a few others)!

      Though, if it’s a copy of a CD she made, I guess it could be a tape, but surely if she can make a mix CD she can burn a copy.

      I’m probably the one misreading. It’s happened more times than I care to remember.

      Aug 26, 2009 at 10:33 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #26   aaa bang

    And not one person has mentioned the Avenue Q song “Mix Tape”?

    Aug 26, 2009 at 9:34 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #27   T imo® bang

    The making of a great compilation tape, like breaking up, is hard to do and takes ages longer than it might seem. You gotta kick off with a killer, to grab attention. Then you got to take it up a notch, but you don’t wanna blow your wad, so then you got to cool it off a notch. There are a lot of rules. Anyway… I’ve started to make a tape… in my head… for Jane. Full of stuff she likes. Full of stuff that make her happy. For the first time I can sort of see how that is done.

    Aug 26, 2009 at 9:39 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   NoExit

      I can’t believe it took this long for someone to quote this movie… John Cusack FTW.

      Aug 26, 2009 at 1:33 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #27.2   T imo® bang

      I am re-organizing my record collection.
      N0, Autobiographical.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 9:17 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #28   Silhouette

    It’s just a *copy* of the mix CD. The original went to someone she actually likes.

    Aug 26, 2009 at 10:14 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #29   GhostWriter bang

    I refuse to buy into your depressing realities. In my world, that card came from a Jane who fell in love with Gareth while on a sabbatical in Japan. He, a piano virtuoso, was touring with the International Symphony.

    Through a series of comic/tragic occurrences, Gareth was not able to propose to Jane before her plane left. You see, he sold his shoes to pay the cabbie, but Tokyo International bans the shoeless…

    He received her mix CD a few weeks after arriving back in the States. He decided to drop by the address on the package (as she knew he would). Walking up to the brownstone, he noticed the blue glow of an underground dance club across the street. “She’d be there tonight,” he figured, as he headed down the steps. He saw her first, sitting at a tall table in the back, smoking Virginia Slims, and looking as if she had simply expected him to walk into the room, right then, just as “Love My Way” from the Psychedelic Furs began to play.

    “I never had a chance to give you this,” he said, as he handed her a black felt ring box. She opened it, eyed the stone, smiled just a bit, and looked up with her wide brown eyes brimming.

    “I don’t actually fancy you, by the way…” she half-whispered.

    She had used that line on him all through Japan, trying to deny what they both knew was real. But now, he knew she was hooked; especially now. She felt it now, as he did, and knowing that gave him a surge of confidence to continue.

    “I know that,” he replied, leaning in close. “But you see, Jane, I Do So Fancy you. …and we’ll just have to work on your part of that.”

    “I’m a quick learner,” she swooned, as she wrapped her arms around Gareth. They kissed, and the camera spins around them as they embrace.

    ♫ Love my way, it’s a new road…
    I follow where my mind goes… ♪

    Aug 26, 2009 at 10:18 am   rating: 29  small thumbs up

    • #29.1   Meesh

      I much prefer your world, GW.

      Aug 26, 2009 at 11:14 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #29.2   Watchtower bang

      Can I buy pot from you?

      Aug 26, 2009 at 3:13 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #29.3   TheOldSchool bang

      Pssst…. watchtower….

      your lucky day…. I just acquired an ace of goofballs….

      Aug 26, 2009 at 4:14 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #30   Silhouette

    As she rises to her apologies, anybody else would surely know.

    Aug 26, 2009 at 10:20 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #30.1   MAMARILLA2 bang

      ♫ What a fool believes is real…

      Aug 26, 2009 at 2:58 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #31   NewMoon bang

    Actually, this is:
    I am lonely and bored right now. I want to keep you out on a long string, just in case. But, I don’t want to see you now, and if we ever do see each other I reserve the right to reject you.
    Love Jane

    Aug 26, 2009 at 11:08 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #31.1   Bunnee

      …or, it could be:

      Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah I don’t like you but I still may sleep with you blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.


      Aug 26, 2009 at 3:04 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #31.2   NewMoon

      Or, this mix cd is my way of thanks for your tireless efforts taking me out and showing me a good time in Japan for no apparent return of interest on my part. However, I definitely do not want to sleep with you, now or ever.
      Love Jane

      Aug 26, 2009 at 4:22 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #32   Geez Louise

    The rest of the postcards in the set, accompanied by other copies of the mix CD, went to all the other guys she doesn’t fancy.

    Because you gotta let the guys in your life know where they stand. Gifts help serve as analogies for this. And no gift screams “you’re expendable” like a writable disc containing crappy tunes.

    Aug 26, 2009 at 11:30 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #33   oi bang

    Jane, minxes like you are what keep the seth cohen/landry clarks of the world pining away for the unattainable summer roberts/tyra collettes of the world ”
    Would somebody enlighten me what Kerry means by that?

    Aug 26, 2009 at 1:49 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #33.1   T

      The Seth Cohen-Summer Roberts is a “The O.C.” reference. The geeky guy going after the pretty and emotionally cold/ unavailable woman

      Aug 26, 2009 at 2:40 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #33.2   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Like me.

      Aug 26, 2009 at 2:59 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #33.3   aging hipster

      Since when are Laundry Clerks sexy?

      Aug 26, 2009 at 3:33 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #33.4   oi bang

      “minxes like you are what keep the seth cohen/landry clarks of the world”
      This sentence still does not make any sense to me.
      I should have been more clear. I got that it’s some reference to something which points geeky guys attraction towards cold girl.. but what on the earth is “minxes like you are what keep Seth”?

      Aug 26, 2009 at 4:12 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #33.5   Snippy

      Dictionary, meet oi.
      oi, meet a dictionary.

      Aug 26, 2009 at 4:22 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #33.6   TheOldSchool bang

      Why would oi want to go out with a cold, aloof dictionary?

      Aug 26, 2009 at 4:27 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #33.7   Snippy

      In order to get a cold, aloof mix tape/CD compilation when the relationship ends — with all the songs in alphabetical order. It would be a definitive compilation, packed with meaning.

      For instance, she would always be reminded of their passionate threesome with his pal Thesaurus every time she hears Neil Young’s “Synonym Girl.”

      Aug 26, 2009 at 4:29 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #33.8   anglophile bang

      oi, a minx is a flirtatious girl. One who keeps the nerdy yet adorable boys found only in movies from noticing their nerdy yet adorable girl best friend is actually a girl.

      Don’t they have that plot in Bollywood?

      Aug 26, 2009 at 4:52 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #33.9   oi bang

      Snippy, meet Courtesy.
      Courtesy, meet Sni…..
      do not run away like that Courtesy. I know he is a brute but.. :roll:

      Aug 26, 2009 at 5:11 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #34   meh

    Man, this is like a written form of the following high school cliche:

    You and a girl you have been into for a while are making out after a night of partying. You end up going down on her and after a while she asks “Do you have a condom?” Being the seasoned love-stud you are, you take out your just-in-case rubber. After opening it she says “Wait, I don’t think I like you that much yet. But you can keep going if you want.”
    Holding out hope for a little, you continue to please her. Then you start to hint for her to return the favor in one way or another, to which she replies “Sorry, I think penises are gross, so I can’t. Are you not having fun or something?”
    You emphatically deny and continue until she is satified/bored/passes out and you’re SOL. In the morning, you wake up to her gone with a note/text that says “Thanks. I’ll give you a call sometime.”
    A few weekends later, she gets drunk, she calls you, rinse and repeat.

    Aug 26, 2009 at 9:24 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #34.1   InYourSleep

      or you could just post pictures of her naked , sleeping hoohoo around school .

      Apr 28, 2010 at 9:32 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #35   Chris

    Am I the only one who reads the “I don’t fancy you” line as her covering her own ass? Like, “I know it’s weird I made you a mix tape, but don’t worry I’m not a crazy stalker that fancies you”? Seems you’re all very quick to commit her to the gallows for what could in fact be a cute gesture…

    Aug 28, 2009 at 7:04 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #35.1   InYourSleep

      i like your idea , chris . let’s be buddies .

      Apr 28, 2010 at 9:33 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #36   babysteve

    can we see the front of the postcard? :D

    Sep 6, 2009 at 6:41 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up


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