Based on this note — found by Matthew at his share house in London — I am citing Jane with a serious “misuse of mixtape” violation. (And “by the way,” talk about burying the lead!)
Jane, minxes like you are what keep the Seth Cohen/Landry Clarks of the world pining away for the unattainable Summer Roberts/Tyra Collettes of the world instead of making a go of it with the smart, punky, emotionally available girl with cute glasses who is so clearly the better choice. I reserve judgment on Gareth only because this note was found abandoned in a share house he no longer lives in, rather than being pressed into a scrapbook somewhere. Let’s hope he’s moved on from his infatuation with this unemployed little cock-tease.
related: Textbook Dmitri
80 responses so far ↓
#1
sonicmega
This is about the time that he responds commenting about the dinner they shared and then adding, “It turns out I have herpes. Yeah, you might want to get that checked.”
Aug 25, 2009 at 10:54 pm rating: +15
#2
T imo®
“Sorry I don’t fancy you. BTW this is actually a mix tape re-gifting. “
Aug 25, 2009 at 11:03 pm rating: +18
#3
penfold
mmmmm nothing like the post fling ego playoff to stuff with the old confidence is there?
Aug 25, 2009 at 11:04 pm rating: +2
#4
Canthz_B
Oh, she’ll get hers. She used a Boomerang postcard!
Aug 25, 2009 at 11:05 pm rating: +18
#5
hellocello
If you’ve date in Constantinople, she’ll be waiting in Tokyo.
The different pen for the hearts really makes it for me.
Aug 25, 2009 at 11:06 pm rating: +16
#6
Canthz_B
Hopefully, Gareth was practicing his strangle grip when he crushed the postcard like Jane crushed his hopes and dreams.
Be afraid, Jane…be very afraid.
Aug 25, 2009 at 11:13 pm rating: +2
#7
Will
I always make Mix CDs referencing shared romantic places of the past and mail them to people, along with notes reminding them I don’t have any interest in them. It keeps them salivating and wanting me, which feeds my ego, and it keeps the dark lord Satan satisfied. Also, I slaughter kittens needlessly and send money to Fox News.
Aug 25, 2009 at 11:16 pm rating: +61
#8
you suck at craigslist
Hopefully Gareth didn’t end up standing outside her window holding the postcard over his head.
Aug 25, 2009 at 11:16 pm rating: +27
#9
HorusKol
“One of a set of postcards created for St. Valentine’s Day”
Just so you can screw with some poor guy’s mind?
Aug 25, 2009 at 11:22 pm rating: +2
#10
Will
Your “Gareth” is an idiot, obviously!
http://ahprojects.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/kerry.jpg
Aug 25, 2009 at 11:25 pm rating: +6
#11
Eila
I can tell that if I met her in real life she’d be really pretentious and annoying.
Aug 25, 2009 at 11:28 pm rating: +1
#12
Canthz_B
Does The Royal Mail provide these cards free of charge?
It would have been nice if she’d gotten a new one and re-written her message if she found she regretted having drawn the hearts.
But then, where’s the joy in that?
Happy Valentine’s Day, you homely bastard!!
Aug 25, 2009 at 11:37 pm rating: +1
#13
Shanker
Who the fuck still makes mix tapes??? The cassette player is to close to the boom box, bitch!!!
Aug 25, 2009 at 11:41 pm rating: +2
#14
becstar
The smart, punky, emotionally available girl with cute glasses who is so clearly the better choice thanks you from the bottom of her emotionally available heart!
Aug 26, 2009 at 12:03 am rating: +30
#15
TheOldSchool
I think it’s kinda sweet that Jane thought to include a tape of some of the songs that she heard in a disco while she was out fucking random assholes with strange haircuts in a distant land.
Now, whenever Gareth recalls one of those songs, I’ll bet he leans way back in his cubicle chair, thinks of Jane drinking, dancing, and getting her tonsils whitewashed and knees scraped in the alley, and then he just smiles, thinks warm thoughts about her.
Aug 26, 2009 at 12:53 am rating: +18
#16
Curious
I want to see the front of the card too.
Sending someone a Valentine’s Day postcard to tell them that you’re not interested in them? Stay classy. What a bitch.
Aug 26, 2009 at 12:57 am rating: +4
#17
Canthz_B
♫ What becomes of the broken-hearted? ♫
They move out of their share house, never to be seen, nor heard from, again.
Aug 26, 2009 at 1:18 am rating: +2
#18
cee
oh, how i long for my own seth cohen or landry clark. but sadly i am the smart girl with glasses.
Aug 26, 2009 at 2:15 am rating: +6
#19
bea
I am the smart, emotionally available girl with cute glasses! Sigh…
Aug 26, 2009 at 2:30 am rating: +6
#20
Downundersugarglider
bonus points for the fun post title!
Aug 26, 2009 at 2:58 am rating: +3
#21
Matt Wilson
She is heartless! She’s like the little girl in the Oscar Wilde story who hears the dwarf died of a broken heart and then says from now on don’t send me anyone who has a heart.
Aug 26, 2009 at 4:07 am rating: +9
#22
Kate
Hi Gareth,
I’ve sent you this and then I’m going to tear your hear in two and kick you soundly in the balls.
Love Jane
Aug 26, 2009 at 4:27 am rating: +3
#23
April
I married a Landry Clark. I also was the girl with glasses. Guys are idiots, I wore glasses but the glasses could come off dumbasses and underneath was a hot dancer chick who was crazy flexible. Too bad, so sad, they missed out.
Young girls don’t get it. It is the Landry Clarks of the world that won’t cheat on you or treat you like dirt. They are the ones you want. I never fell for the bad boy or the prom king, I could always tell they were jerks.
Aug 26, 2009 at 6:36 am rating: +15
#24
Banessa
Let’s just read between the lines: Hi Gareth! I had to make a mix tape for you because I’m too broke to afford a CD burner… in fact, I’m jobless and really feel like I’m entitled to have someone else support me and you don’t make enough money. Well, I guess that means I don’t fancy you! Love, Jane
Aug 26, 2009 at 8:55 am rating: +4
#25
aaa
Translation:
GARETH, I WISH YOU WERE HERE RIGHT THIS SECOND SO WE CAN MAKE MAD MONKEY LOVE. ♥♥
I made this crappy mix tape specially for you. I’m using a tape because I think I’m being a bitchin hipster kid by using retro technology. And I’m not being facetious about the genius thing. I really do think I am that clever. I’ve never really been to Japan, I just found that club “Istanbul” on the internet and have been pining away about it ever since.
I don’t care about how you’re really doing because I’m kinda crazy obsessed with you and thus project my image of how I want you to be/think you are onto you. I’m looking for a job that’s a block away from your share house, by the way…
Well, I hope you come to your senses and realized how obsessed I am with you. I’m just telling you I don’t fancy you because I’m playing “hard to get.” Real clever, eh? I HOPE YOU NEVER HAVE A GOOD DAY AGAIN UNTIL YOU COME LIVE WITH ME AND FEED MY OBSESSION. I TOTALLY WON’T START WEARING ALL YOUR CLOTHES OR THREATENING YOUR FRIENDS OR KILLING YOUR PETS OR ANYTHING. TOTALLY.
Love, Jane
Aug 26, 2009 at 9:31 am rating: +10
#26
aaa
And not one person has mentioned the Avenue Q song “Mix Tape”?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_zzGOJAHH0w
Aug 26, 2009 at 9:34 am rating: +4
#27
T imo®
The making of a great compilation tape, like breaking up, is hard to do and takes ages longer than it might seem. You gotta kick off with a killer, to grab attention. Then you got to take it up a notch, but you don’t wanna blow your wad, so then you got to cool it off a notch. There are a lot of rules. Anyway… I’ve started to make a tape… in my head… for Jane. Full of stuff she likes. Full of stuff that make her happy. For the first time I can sort of see how that is done.
Aug 26, 2009 at 9:39 am rating: +12
#28
Silhouette
It’s just a *copy* of the mix CD. The original went to someone she actually likes.
Aug 26, 2009 at 10:14 am rating: +4
#29
GhostWriter
I refuse to buy into your depressing realities. In my world, that card came from a Jane who fell in love with Gareth while on a sabbatical in Japan. He, a piano virtuoso, was touring with the International Symphony.
Through a series of comic/tragic occurrences, Gareth was not able to propose to Jane before her plane left. You see, he sold his shoes to pay the cabbie, but Tokyo International bans the shoeless…
He received her mix CD a few weeks after arriving back in the States. He decided to drop by the address on the package (as she knew he would). Walking up to the brownstone, he noticed the blue glow of an underground dance club across the street. “She’d be there tonight,” he figured, as he headed down the steps. He saw her first, sitting at a tall table in the back, smoking Virginia Slims, and looking as if she had simply expected him to walk into the room, right then, just as “Love My Way” from the Psychedelic Furs began to play.
“I never had a chance to give you this,” he said, as he handed her a black felt ring box. She opened it, eyed the stone, smiled just a bit, and looked up with her wide brown eyes brimming.
“I don’t actually fancy you, by the way…” she half-whispered.
She had used that line on him all through Japan, trying to deny what they both knew was real. But now, he knew she was hooked; especially now. She felt it now, as he did, and knowing that gave him a surge of confidence to continue.
“I know that,” he replied, leaning in close. “But you see, Jane, I Do So Fancy you. …and we’ll just have to work on your part of that.”
“I’m a quick learner,” she swooned, as she wrapped her arms around Gareth. They kissed, and the camera spins around them as they embrace.
♫ Love my way, it’s a new road…
I follow where my mind goes… ♪
Aug 26, 2009 at 10:18 am rating: +24
#30
Silhouette
As she rises to her apologies, anybody else would surely know.
Aug 26, 2009 at 10:20 am rating: +9
#31
NewMoon
Actually, this is:
I am lonely and bored right now. I want to keep you out on a long string, just in case. But, I don’t want to see you now, and if we ever do see each other I reserve the right to reject you.
Love Jane
Aug 26, 2009 at 11:08 am rating: +11
#32
Geez Louise
The rest of the postcards in the set, accompanied by other copies of the mix CD, went to all the other guys she doesn’t fancy.
Because you gotta let the guys in your life know where they stand. Gifts help serve as analogies for this. And no gift screams “you’re expendable” like a writable disc containing crappy tunes.
Aug 26, 2009 at 11:30 am rating: +3
#33
oi
” Jane, minxes like you are what keep the seth cohen/landry clarks of the world pining away for the unattainable summer roberts/tyra collettes of the world ”
Would somebody enlighten me what Kerry means by that?
Aug 26, 2009 at 1:49 pm rating: +3
#34
meh
Man, this is like a written form of the following high school cliche:
You and a girl you have been into for a while are making out after a night of partying. You end up going down on her and after a while she asks “Do you have a condom?” Being the seasoned love-stud you are, you take out your just-in-case rubber. After opening it she says “Wait, I don’t think I like you that much yet. But you can keep going if you want.”
Holding out hope for a little, you continue to please her. Then you start to hint for her to return the favor in one way or another, to which she replies “Sorry, I think penises are gross, so I can’t. Are you not having fun or something?”
You emphatically deny and continue until she is satified/bored/passes out and you’re SOL. In the morning, you wake up to her gone with a note/text that says “Thanks. I’ll give you a call sometime.”
A few weekends later, she gets drunk, she calls you, rinse and repeat.
Aug 26, 2009 at 9:24 pm rating: +2
#35
Chris
Am I the only one who reads the “I don’t fancy you” line as her covering her own ass? Like, “I know it’s weird I made you a mix tape, but don’t worry I’m not a crazy stalker that fancies you”? Seems you’re all very quick to commit her to the gallows for what could in fact be a cute gesture…
Aug 28, 2009 at 7:04 am rating: +4
#36
babysteve
can we see the front of the postcard?
Sep 6, 2009 at 6:41 pm rating: 0
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