Facebook: a place for navel-gazing narcissists

August 26th, 2009 · 192 comments

Seriously, how much do you want to _____ this guy in the _____ right now?  (you fill in the blank)

Next year, I think this guy and this girl should collaborate on a gigantic fucking birthday pity party.

how much do you want to _____ this guy in the _____?  (you fill in the blank)

how much do you want to _____ this guy in the _____?  (you fill in the blank)

related: you know, I’m getting input here that is relatively hostile

extra credit: Facebook is for narcissists

FILED UNDER: birthday · Facebook · guilt trip · just not that into you · most popular notes of 2009


192 responses so far ↓

  • #1   situational lefty

    Lonely much, John? With your 476 friends?

    Happy birthday, douche canoe.

    Aug 26, 2009 at 9:18 pm   rating: 172  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Amy

      Douche Canoe? You owe me a monitor after that spit take! LOL!

      Aug 26, 2009 at 10:27 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   GK bang

      How would that even work?!

      Aug 27, 2009 at 4:44 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   Fresca

      I wish I could vote for this comment 476 times.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 5:47 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.4   marx

      Obviously Fresca doesn’t care enough.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 6:23 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.5   Douche Canoe

      I resemble that remark!

      Aug 27, 2009 at 8:38 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.6   big delicious bang

      I signed up for an account solely so that I could give praise for douche canoe. I mean, damn.

      Aug 29, 2009 at 10:25 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.7   SHARKFAN

      Oh, wow. I think ‘douche canoe’ is my new favorite insult. Thank you! I can’t wait to use it. ☺

      Aug 29, 2009 at 11:16 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   Maas

    “Happy” Birthday John, sorry it’s so late, it’s just that I don’t like you.

    Aug 26, 2009 at 9:19 pm   rating: 30  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Car RamRod

      One of my friends recently posted a similar, though less detailed cry for help on their facebook. I merely referred them to this site in the hopes they could figure out for themselves how fucking pathetic that kind of thing sounds.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 2:34 am   rating: 21  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   G.Pat bang

      ramrod: where they then saw your comment :D

      Aug 28, 2009 at 9:51 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   Watchtower bang

    So that means that 88.87% of your friends are not really your friends at all. All of the parties: pity parties. The adding of you to my Five: a sham. And all of the laughter we shared: Lies, just bittersweet lies.

    But seriously, you only calculated the people who give a flying f— about your birthday to two decimal places. What gives?

    Aug 26, 2009 at 9:21 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   situational lefty

      Even pi gets more decimal places. But everyone loves pi.

      Aug 26, 2009 at 10:37 pm   rating: 34  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   snee

      mmmmmmmm, pi!

      Aug 27, 2009 at 12:08 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.3   Neeners

      I can’t picture this person taking out a calculator and determining the ratio of how many people give a crap about his birthday and then posting the exact percentage for all his ‘friends’. Even it if was his cell phone, no excuse.

      Probably a math professor. Solve this story problem…. if John has 476 friends on Facebook and only 11.13% of them respond to his incessant nagging to like him, how many of his friends actually hate him?

      Aug 27, 2009 at 10:04 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.4   C.S. Harmonikah

      John, how many of your half a thousand friends do you actually know, you needy whiny bitch.

      I have less than 100 facebook friends, and i only am in contact with about 20 people. President Obama is my online friend but i dont think he’s going to wish me a happy birthday.

      Aug 30, 2009 at 12:21 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   Quite Contrary

    I’m more concerned about the two people who “liked” his status update.

    Aug 26, 2009 at 9:24 pm   rating: 53  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   TheOldSchool bang

      You got a problem with that QC?

      Aug 26, 2009 at 9:44 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   Quite Contrary

    I’m also guessing his friend count may have declined after this posting, leading to a (not) surprising uptick in % return on birthday wishes. Way to go asshat!

    Aug 26, 2009 at 9:25 pm   rating: 31  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Watchtower bang

      I think I would be the type to respond with a birthday message 6 days late regardless of whether I see him daily or work in the cubicle next to him. I would be painfully apologetic with an unfathomable excuse.

      “I’m sorry John, but I couldn’t humanly give you a birthday greeting in the time frame that you deserve. You see, on your birthday my mother in law flew into town shortly before falling into alcoholic bender which resulted in the total loss of her money, hair and dignity. It also made me late for my gerbil Nitzy’s briss. It has been one helluva week. Happy birthday anyway. Did you get a pony? I bet you got a pony.”

      Aug 26, 2009 at 9:41 pm   rating: 53  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   TheOldSchool bang

      I forgot to ask you about Nitzy. Sorry.

      Aug 26, 2009 at 9:47 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.3   TheOldSchool bang

      Nitzy. That’s a peculiar name for a normal gerbil.

      Aug 26, 2009 at 9:48 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.4   TheOldSchool bang

      Maybe it was a typo. It must have been. Nitzy just doesn’t ring true as a proper gerbil name.

      You probably meant to type Walnut, and inadvertently hit a few wrong keys. It happens.

      Just apologize and move on.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 1:24 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.5   Car RamRod

      Nitzy does sounds a little odd for a gerbil’s name, but one has to remember, this particular gerbil is circumcised, so perhaps a little originality in nomenclature is in order.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 2:36 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.6   snee

      nitzy is a perfectly cromulent name.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 4:59 am   rating: 21  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.7   TheOldSchool bang

      Thank you, snee, for embiggening this discussion.

      I should shift gears, and open myself up to be more accepting of “Nitzy.”

      Aug 27, 2009 at 12:15 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.8   Snippy

      A little lube will help you with that, TOS.

      And the Richard Gere jokes can start…….. now.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 12:40 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   PunkyPower

    I’m wondering if John left 476 birthday wishes this past year.

    Aug 26, 2009 at 9:30 pm   rating: 104  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   hellocello

      We can be sure that he’ll only leave 53 this year.

      Aug 26, 2009 at 10:59 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   Julia

      I’m wondering if John left 476 birthday wishes this past year.

      THIS. If he doesn’t leave birthday wishes for everyone on his list, he can not complain when people don’t do it for him.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 2:15 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.3   MAMARILLA2 bang

      That is not how it works in the real world…It is always about ME. Always and forever.

      Aug 28, 2009 at 2:08 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.4   Nikki

      My thoughts EXACTLY. I’d be curious to see how many friends dumped him after that douchetastic status.

      Sep 3, 2009 at 11:42 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   TheOldSchool bang

    Shouldn’t he be formulating an equation that would factor in an X percentage discount for the late birthday wishers?

    And a text message surely doesn’t merit point equivalence with a purchased card.

    And what about that mixtape that Jane and I sent him from Tokyo?

    Aug 26, 2009 at 9:33 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   Feh!

    So that means that 88.87% of your friends are “well aware of what a petulant egomaniac you are and aren’t interested in feeding your sense of entitlement.”

    Aug 26, 2009 at 9:34 pm   rating: 73  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Reid

      I love that this was posted on my own birthday. It seems like a divine message that I can’t act a dickhead about the occasion or I’ll end up justly ridiculed on the internet by you fine folks, and I promise to remember that next year.

      edit: wow, way to post a comment and not a reply, reid. i’m doing the internets wrong :(

      Aug 26, 2009 at 9:45 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.2   anglophile bang

      happy birthday, Reid. You can find me on facebook!

      Aug 26, 2009 at 10:06 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.3   snee

      happy birthday, reid! i like you so much better than douche canoe!

      Aug 27, 2009 at 12:11 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   ClearlyDemented

    I thought birthdays were measured by how many gifts you got WITH receipts. You can’t trade in a ‘wish’ for a _________.

    Aug 26, 2009 at 9:36 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   Will

    The saddest part? In his original assessment, it comes out to 5.04%…he rounded up to 5.1% out of sheer, chin-shaking depression.

    Aug 26, 2009 at 9:41 pm   rating: 53  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   Watchtower bang

      You can only round so much, but in the end you’re only trying to fool yourself.

      Aug 26, 2009 at 9:44 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   Banessa

    Sorry John, no one wants to wish you a happy birthday because everyone is wishing you were never born.

    Aug 26, 2009 at 9:42 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   Kelly

    John, if you can name all of your 400-plus Facebook friends without looking at your computer, I promise to feel sorry for you.

    Aug 26, 2009 at 9:42 pm   rating: 56  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   sam

    too bad i dont know what a recont is…

    Aug 26, 2009 at 9:43 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   TheOldSchool bang

      RECONT stands for Reconnaissance Intentions Report.

      Aug 26, 2009 at 9:53 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.2   Canthz_B bang

      Reconciliation Testing?

      I see errors were found in both friend and birthday wishes counts.
      I wonder if he was involved in counting Al Franken votes?

      Aug 27, 2009 at 1:55 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   techimpaired

    Besides the fact that I really do live up to my name, jackasses like this are why I never bothered to join facebook.

    Aug 26, 2009 at 9:49 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   TheOldSchool bang

      Your name isn’t really “Jack Asses,” is it?

      If so, why not change it to John Asses?

      Aug 26, 2009 at 9:56 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   techimpaired

      No, it’s Jack. John Asses is my brother. If you’re looking for Total Asses or Unmitigated Asses, they moved last year.

      Aug 26, 2009 at 11:10 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.3   techimpaired

      We are NOT related to the Smart Asses next door! That sign on their lawn is a complete fabrication.

      Aug 26, 2009 at 11:12 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.4   Canthz_B bang

      Oh, the Smart Asses are related to the Dumb Asses and the Sorry Asses. The Smart Asses just had a more stable home life.

      The Fucking Asses (no relation) shortened their name, when they arrived in America in 1924, to Fuggin A. They still live in Brooklyn, NY, though some family have moved across the rivers to New Jersey.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 1:01 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.5   TheOldSchool bang

      The asstounding thing about this family is how well they seem to assimilate wherever they go.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 1:19 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.6   mamason bang

      Don’t be assinine!

      Aug 27, 2009 at 1:46 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.7   TheOldSchool bang

      That’s a bit cheeky.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 1:54 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.8   mamason bang

      I meant it to be tongue in cheek.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 2:23 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.9   TheOldSchool bang

      That’s something that should be further exploring.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 2:30 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.10   Canthz_B bang

      Tongue? Ass? Cheek? Explore?

      Okay, you two…get a room already! LOL

      Aug 27, 2009 at 2:42 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.11   GK bang

      I don’t want to be associated with this!

      Aug 27, 2009 at 4:47 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.12   techimpaired

      I knew it, I’m surrounded by assholes.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 5:54 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.13   Snippy

      Ooh, I got it! That means you’re a public toilet.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 12:43 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.14   NewMoon

      (_!_)

      Aug 27, 2009 at 7:12 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   Woman on the Verge bang

    You have no friends willing to extend birthday wishes because you are the kind of guy who sits around calculating the percentage of his friends who extend birthday wishes.

    Aug 26, 2009 at 10:10 pm   rating: 38  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   Canthz_B bang

      Mark? 8-O

      Aug 27, 2009 at 12:48 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.2   TheOldSchool bang

      Mendy?

      Aug 27, 2009 at 1:55 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.3   mamason bang

      Marsha?

      Aug 27, 2009 at 2:24 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.4   Canthz_B bang

      Maude!!

      Aug 27, 2009 at 2:39 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.5   Michelle S.

      Okay wait. Is it John next, or Jan? I’m confused.

      Let’s just pronounce Jan with a french accent and cover our bases.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 2:44 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.6   Neeners

      My teenage son sits around adding ‘friends’ to his MySpace account through a program called Max Adds. The goal: to get a ton of friends thousands if possible. I ask, “How can they be friends if you don’t see or talk to them ever?” After I get the teenage eye roll, I am told the higher the number the more status I would have. I would rather get a Hummer or something if I want to fake being impressive or better yet a huge boob job. Yeah that’s the ticket! (No hummer jokes pleez!)

      Aug 27, 2009 at 10:17 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.7   GK bang

      Slap that kid. Slap him until he suffers an injury.

      Aug 28, 2009 at 3:47 am   rating: 21  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.8   MAMARILLA2 bang

      It might be cheaper than collecting Pokemon cards and such.

      Aug 28, 2009 at 2:12 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.9   Neeners

      He did that as a child. Hate that game and the cartoons are worse.

      Aug 29, 2009 at 4:04 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.10   Canthz_B bang

      I’d like a hummer too, Neeners. ;-)

      Aug 31, 2009 at 11:55 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.11   RebelKnightCSA bang

      @Woman on the Verge

      Friggin’ A, right there. Would YOU wish this douchenozzle a Happy Birthday?

      Nov 30, 2009 at 6:09 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   lightspeed

    I feel very sorry for his wife – imagine listening to a grown man whine about facebook…ugh. Also, if he expects 476 acquaintances to wish him a happy birthday, I can only imagine what this gem of a man expects from his wife.

    She is one lucky lady.

    Aug 26, 2009 at 10:24 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   meh

      Also, who over the age of 21 still give a flying fuck about their birthday? Seriously, grow the hell up. Oh, hey John, by the way, congrats on not dying yet!

      Aug 27, 2009 at 2:22 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.2   KatieMB

      Oh, some people over 21 really *do* give a flying fuck about their birthdays. And will get very upset that you’re not able to be with him on his birthday, and will argue that celebrating his birthday on the following Saturday is not good enough, and will feel that your lack of concern about being with him on his birthday means you don’t love him.

      Um. Not that I know anyone like that. *cough*

      Aug 27, 2009 at 6:16 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.3   Watchtower

      25 is a good year. I remember car insurance going down. And you can now rent cars from every agency (except for Discount Car Rental because of those 15 ft x 5 in gashes I left in the side of the truck that one time) Hooray for saving money and being a mature driver!

      When I look at those last sentences in front of me I realize that my life is sad.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 4:29 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.4   Neeners

      It’s a guy? I wasn’t paying attention, I thought for a minute it was a whiny chick.

      How much do i want to (bitchslap) this guy right in the ……

      Aug 27, 2009 at 9:55 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.5   RP

      You’re being overly generous by assuming this guy has a significant other of any kind.

      Aug 28, 2009 at 3:26 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.6   lightspeed

      RP – his budy mentions “our spouses” in his comment, so sadly, I’m pretty sure someone is stuck with this loser.

      Aug 28, 2009 at 4:15 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   Sabine

    John, I would have wished you a Happy Birthday, but I really don’t care about you. I (and the other 400+ “friends”) received a request to be your “friend” on facebook and decided to respond. Because I see you daily at work and know you to be a catty annoying fucker, I decided it would be easier to “friend” you than to have to hear from the rumor mill about the potential facebook snub. I see you in action daily and find you to be self-absorbed, whiny, petty, superficial and trying to hard to be the center of attention when you do nothing to warrant it.

    If you have so many friends, why aren’t you out celebrating instead of calculating the return rate? I value my friends by how much we enjoy each other’s company and are there for each other, not by statistics.

    Fuck you, your slighty imperfect math and your birthday.

    Aug 26, 2009 at 10:59 pm   rating: 56  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   TheOldSchool bang

      Sabine, I hope you didn’t send that, because if you did, things are going to be a little awkward between you and John at at work tomorrow.

      (Here’s a hint on how to ease the tension: tell him you were looped up on goofballs and aqua velva.)

      Aug 27, 2009 at 2:00 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.2   mamason bang

      What are goofballs?

      Oh, I just googled it… actually I Yahoo’d it.

      “Barbiturates, drugs that act as central nervous system depressants, aka: bluebirds, blues, downers, goofballs, tooties and yellow jackets.”

      Tooties make me flatulent.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 2:03 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.3   TheOldSchool bang

      They’re life savers.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 2:06 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.4   mamason bang

      mmmmm… minty!

      Aug 27, 2009 at 2:51 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.5   TheOldSchool bang

      Make that pesky gag reflex magically disappear!

      Aug 27, 2009 at 2:56 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.6   Watchtower

      he he he……tooties.

      Q: Named after Kim Fields from facts of life?

      Aug 27, 2009 at 4:33 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   Miss Silver

    I would delete this twat face from my list in a heartbeat. …reminds me of this time when I declined a friend invite from someone I really despised – I clicked the mouse button so hard, I nearly dislocated my finger.

    Aug 26, 2009 at 11:12 pm   rating: 38  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   Slartablartfast

    With shit like this it isnt hard to se why Socialism is gaining the popular vote to be sure. This is my peeve with any online service that tries to build “Community”, the key strength of the word being “Commune”. People often get the idea that friends are about numbers and how many people are on “your side”, nobody finds strength from within anymore and these sites encourage that in a passive way. Before I get chastized for being an anti-online-community zellot, I do have a facebook account, I thought it would be an easy way to see what my family (in a different state) is doing and also to show them baby pictures of our daughter and it has proven useful for that purpose; but I make a point not to allow this type of personality into that space for this very reason. It is sad and I would like to say I feel sincerely sorry for them for being so shallow (and bad at maths) but I think that is reaching for me. .. Yikes folks.. Yikes!

    Aug 26, 2009 at 11:32 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   Canthz_B bang

    I’m in for a high-tech lynching. Today is my daughter’s 23rd birthday and I only just now sealed her card for mailing.
    Let’s hope $50.00 still buys forgiveness in this immediate gratification world.

    Aug 27, 2009 at 12:45 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   TheOldSchool bang

      CB, it can in certain parts of town.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 2:04 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.2   meh

      My 23rd birthday was a few months ago, and if you sent me 50$, I would certianly forgive the tardiness. I’ll be waiting…

      Aug 27, 2009 at 2:16 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.3   Canthz_B bang

      I know it can buy gratification at the very least!!

      meh, I sent you fondest wishes right on time. You must be one of those people who doesn’t remember their dreams…but I sent them! ;-)

      Aug 27, 2009 at 2:18 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.4   mamason bang

      CB, I don’t think you should be making jokes about lynching… I know a black person and that’s just not funny.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 2:28 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.5   Canthz_B bang

      I laughed like hell when Clarence Thomas pulled that one out of his ass, and I’m pretty close to a particular black person too. LOL

      Aug 27, 2009 at 2:37 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.6   mamason bang

      ;-)

      Aug 27, 2009 at 2:43 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.7   Geek Goddess

      My 23rd birthday was a few many months years ago, and if you sent me 50$, I would certainly forgive the tardiness. I’ll be waiting…

      Aug 27, 2009 at 11:31 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.8   oi!

      Jokes about racism are not funny. not funny at all.
      You don’t have any right to be cocky unless you were born in early 2oth century. and If you were you never joke about it. It hurts in the heart. The cruelty we suffered from the “superior” white race! I would not wish that on my mortal enemy.
      jonny! boy! fetch me glass of water, will ya?

      Aug 27, 2009 at 1:56 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.9   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Si, Senora oi…Right away.

      Aug 28, 2009 at 2:17 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #21   Kaylabear

    Don’t people already know that their ‘friends’ on FB aren’t all totally REAL friends???

    And yes, FB IS the place for narcissists – that’s why I just abandoned the damn thing all together. I like real life better.

    Aug 27, 2009 at 12:46 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   TheOldSchool bang

      I’m a shallow, naval-gazing narcissist and I’m not on facebook.

      There’s no escape, Kaylabear. You’re only kidding yourself if you believe otherwise.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 1:38 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.2   mamason bang

      I’m on Facebook and I’m not a shallow, nav…

      Hey, what’s that in my belly button?

      Aug 27, 2009 at 2:34 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.3   Snippy

      Sounds like TOS needs to improve his aim, mamason.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 12:47 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.4   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Or at least get you a wet wash towel.

      Aug 28, 2009 at 2:18 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   Canthz_B bang

    Anyone who can average 1.3 birthday salutations sent per day has a right to gripe about not getting many.
    This assumes, of course, that he’s as good a friend to others as he expects to have.

    Aug 27, 2009 at 12:53 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   TheOldSchool bang

      CB, don’t you think that trying to be as good a friend to others as you expect them to be to you is going more than just slightly overboard?

      Sure, there’s always going to be the occasional crybaby who vocalizes his or her displeasure, but that’s just because they forgot that life isn’t fair.

      Next time, maybe they should do a better job of picking their friends.

      And, for crying out loud, DON’T lend me money!
      Of course, I said I’d pay them back, but those were just words. Good grief.

      Seriously. Some people are SO thick.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 1:53 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.2   Canthz_B bang

      I know! Just because I borrowed your car, totaled it and said “I’ll pay you back”, doesn’t mean I meant in cash! Sheesh!!

      Aug 27, 2009 at 2:04 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   Eric

    so, rather ironically, today was my birthday. I counted all my birthday comments, text messages, cards, and whatever forms of communication (including personal contact) and i was ecstatic by the number of people who remembered me. i didnt even know i knew that many people.

    Aug 27, 2009 at 1:03 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   Canthz_B bang

      Yeah, but can you back that up with statistics?

      HB, BTW!
      Many more.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 1:09 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.2   Eric

      504 facebook friends
      and i would say 120-something birthday wishes.
      120-something plus 1. thanks canthz

      Aug 27, 2009 at 1:15 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.3   Canthz_B bang

      23.81% approval rating would doom a politician.
      But you’re happy, and that’s all that matters.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 1:27 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.4   TheOldSchool bang

      Eric, please…. How many mixtapes did you get?

      Everything else is just chump change.

      AND YOU KNOW IT!

      Aug 27, 2009 at 1:33 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.5   Canthz_B bang

      Well, TOS, I’m sure he was treated to some congenital conversation along the way…

      Aug 27, 2009 at 1:46 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.6   mamason bang

      Eric’s comment got me thinking about how many people know and like me and I realized that my funeral is going to be a very small affair. *sigh*

      Aug 27, 2009 at 1:52 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.7   Canthz_B bang

      Affair? Mine will be no more than a one night stand! LOL

      Aug 27, 2009 at 2:00 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.8   mamason bang

      So, does this mean you’re coming?

      Aug 27, 2009 at 2:18 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.9   TheOldSchool bang

      Mamason, you always find a way to make these subtle boasts about your superstar status in America’s midget-community.

      You’re like Glenda the Good Witch to them. We get it!

      Of course, if I were only three feet tall, I’d love anyone who was willing to pull the X-rated magazines down from the top shelves for me, too. I’m not suggesting that’s the only reason they like you, but you’ve got to admit that it’s one of the reasons.

      In a strange sort of way, I envy them. They’re existing in their own little upskirt paradise.

      No shiny-toed, patent leather oxfords for that lot. No wonder they can afford all those pricey bongo magazines.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 2:19 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.10   mamason bang

      I represent the lollipop guild…

      Aug 27, 2009 at 2:22 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.11   Canthz_B bang

      22.8: Not right away, I assure you.

      TOS, they prefer “little”…like there’s a freaking difference.
      I suppose they’re due some slight solace.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 2:25 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.12   mamason bang

      That’s what they all say. :roll:

      Aug 27, 2009 at 2:29 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.13   Canthz_B bang

      Maybe, but I’m getting old and so have very little choice in the matter! LOL

      Aug 27, 2009 at 2:33 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.14   TheOldSchool bang

      I’d like to hear a bit more about what the ladies of the lollipop guild do in their evening meetings.

      I’d always heard they the meetings sucked, but that’s about it.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 2:36 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.15   mamason bang

      “Blowpops.” That’s all I’m saying.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 2:45 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.16   Canthz_B bang

      Let’s just assume that the ladies’ auxiliary of the lollipop guild provides a happy ending to each welcome to Munchkin Land.

      “Munchkin Land”

      Aug 27, 2009 at 2:52 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.17   mamason bang

      Don’t be too quick to assume, CB!

      “The Lollipop Guild is part of the San Francisco Gay Men’s Chorus. Formed nearly 30 years ago, the Lollipop Guild is proud to be the first gay men’s small ensemble in the gay and lesbian choral movement.”

      *gay men’s small ensemble* hehe

      *not that there’s anything wrong with that*

      Aug 27, 2009 at 2:55 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.18   Canthz_B bang

      I just threw-up a little in my mouth…and please, call me “Pops”! :-P

      Aug 27, 2009 at 2:57 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.19   mamason bang

      Who’s my daddy?

      Aug 27, 2009 at 3:00 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.20   Canthz_B bang

      The response “Maury?” (as in looking to Maury for an answer) so belongs on the “Mark, Mendy…” thread!

      Aug 27, 2009 at 3:05 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.21   russian

      Being as the original lollipop guild were *please insert your own politically correct word for small people*, i wonder if they mean a small ensemble of gay men, or an ensemble of small gay men.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 9:53 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.22   Snippy

      Not that there’s anything long with that.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 12:50 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.23   Geek Goddess

      If the Lollipop Guild is part of the SF Gay Men’s Chorus, then who are the ladies of the Lollipop Guild? I am confused here.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 3:28 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.24   Snippy

      GG, perhaps you’re thinking of the ladies of the Lullaby League — a tough union with a take-no-prisoners attitude when it comes to putting their critics to sleep.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 7:29 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   mamason bang

    See, this is why you send requests to add your FB “friend’s” birthdays to your event calendar. Then they feel obligated to add you to theirs as well, and then all of your “friends” will receive automatic reminders and updates when your birthday approaches and then you feel loved with the outpouring of birthday wishes! Happiness is just a mouse click away!

    Aug 27, 2009 at 2:00 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   TheOldSchool bang

      “Happiness is just a mouse click away!”

      Is that what the girls are calling it these days?

      Aug 27, 2009 at 2:26 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.2   mamason bang

      “Build a better mousetrap and the world will beat a path to your door.”

      Aug 27, 2009 at 2:32 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.3   TheOldSchool bang

      Yeah, but what if your in-box gets overloaded?

      Aug 27, 2009 at 2:42 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.4   mamason bang

      It’s very important to remember to clean out your cache on occasion.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 2:47 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.5   TheOldSchool bang

      I prefer having someone with more intimate knowledge of the proper releasing of my cache help me do those sorts of things.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 2:52 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.6   Snippy

      “I was married to a woman who cleaned out all my cache!
      “Thank you, I’ll be here all week. Don’t forget to tip your waitress… over.”

      Aug 27, 2009 at 12:52 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #25   meh

    Judging by the how old your ‘friends’ look, John, I put you at the age of 36, and judging by your pathetic whining and the stock you still hold in your birthday, I put your maturity level at the age of 5. This comes to a douche canoe ratio of 13.88%.
    If you would like to raise this percentage go to a mirror and repeat these two sentences to yourself.
    1) “I am not special in any way, shape or form.”
    2) “I am not entitled to anything at all.”

    Aug 27, 2009 at 2:09 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   mamason bang

      And doggone it, people don’t like you!

      Aug 27, 2009 at 2:19 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #26   TheOldSchool bang

    Am I the only one who is sometimes confused as to whether FB means FaceBook or FuckBuddy?

    It has lead to my making some awkward erroneous assumptions with my neighbors.

    Aug 27, 2009 at 2:48 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   mamason bang

      Or perhaps some awkward erogenous assumptions?

      Aug 27, 2009 at 3:18 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.2   GK bang

      You know what they say. When you make assumptions, you’re making an ASS out of U and MPTION.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 4:54 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.3   pigeon

      Who *says* FB? It’s an abbreviation, not a word, and the context alone should make it pretty clear. Unless you mean that you email your neighbors or something.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 10:52 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.4   Geek Goddess

      I only email my neighbors if they aren’t already my fb friends.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 11:36 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.5   Tonya J

      Or unless you’re being facetious. But that couldn’t possibly be it, right?

      Aug 27, 2009 at 11:55 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.6   oi bang

      aww this is what happens when you are the brightest sheep in the herd, pigeon. You understand things from context but stupid people like me or TOS don’t.
      on the other hand, humor blows over the head of the brightest sheep without mercy. It’s ok, it happens to the best of us.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 11:56 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.7   TheOldSchool bang

      There have only been two occasions when the husband came home from work early, and both times they were extremely angry until I calmy explained that they had nothing to worry about; that this was all just silly shenanigans, and that their wives and I were just having a bit of fun.

      Fortunately for everyone concerned, both of these neighbor husbands were able to see the amusingly “cliched” aspect of the situation. The two husbands and I still have a good chuckle about the mix-ups whenever we bump into one another at one of the local brothels. They’re good guys.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 12:03 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.8   pigeon

      oh, oi, such a brave brave soul! You imply that I imply you are an idiot, and then try to be oh so clever and snarky. -4.
      So do you people come here and post mostly to say hello to each other specifically or something? Double entrendre contests of the lamest sort?

      Aug 27, 2009 at 3:36 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.9   T imo® bang

      Yes. :mrgreen:

      Aug 27, 2009 at 4:03 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.10   mamason bang

      Oh, pigeon. Such a snarky little squab! I’d bet that you would be fucking delicious, grilled Vietnamese style. *feel free to assume the inevitable double entendre*

      Oh, and btw… hello everyone! :-)

      Aug 27, 2009 at 5:02 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.11   oi bang

      First of all, Hello Mama and Timo.
      oh nos! I got -4 from pigeon. I am really sad now. :)
      Well, when you are on business end of double entendre, you have to call it lame. It’s in the book.
      but frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 5:18 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.12   Canthz_B bang

      Hi, Gang!

      What’s going down?

      It’s a good thing people never say abbreviations because they are not words.
      It helps keep the riff-raff out of the VIP lounge…unless they are invited and promptly RSVP.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 7:45 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.13   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Cor, I never thought our contests were lame…why didn’t you all tell me….heck, I thought we were just having a good time.

      Aug 28, 2009 at 2:30 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #27   oi bang

    And all this time I thought birthday was a sad occasion anyway. You lose one year from life and you are tad closer to the death.
    Don’t even think that I am being morbid.
    Cynics have their own benefits. You are never dissappointed ever period.

    Aug 27, 2009 at 12:16 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   GK bang

      You don’t lose a year from life on your birthday. You lose one day, same as every other day.

      Man, cynicism is such a drag.

      Aug 28, 2009 at 3:42 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.2   RP

      Correct, GK.

      Furthermore, being one day closer to death is still better than the alternative: being DEAD. How is not being dead a sad occasion?

      Aug 28, 2009 at 4:15 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #28   oi bang

    Is there a better way to say I am a whinny ass loser than to whine on FB that you have received only so many birthday wishes?

    Aug 27, 2009 at 12:18 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #28.1   oi bang

      oh yes, there is. You recont (whatever that is~) the wishes after first whimper and lay the guilt trip again on the friends who have not succumb on the first time.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 12:23 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #29   oi bang

    beg, beg for the love. yes that will get you true love.

    Aug 27, 2009 at 12:19 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   oi bang

    ok I am done now.

    Aug 27, 2009 at 12:24 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #30.1   T imo® bang

      Happy Birthday!

      Huh what? …it’s not, uhhh, oh, nevermind!

      Aug 27, 2009 at 12:26 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #31   aaa bang

    And out of those 476 “friends”, John only knows 132 in real life. 8 of those are actually his friends. The rest are coworkers, classmates, and family (‘cuz weirdos friend their family), or people he might’ve run across once and mutually decided to “friend”. The 344 people he doesn’t know in meatspace are just people who happen to be in his network or have shared interests and friended him for shits and giggles. Out of all of those acquaintances and strangers, he’s only wished the 3 whose pants he wanted to get into a happy birthday.

    Aug 27, 2009 at 4:24 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #31.1   TheOldSchool bang

      It IS all about the pants, isn’t it aaa?

      And, yet again, we, the innocent members of the general public, have been misled by sinister retailers and marketing con artists.

      When it comes to pants, one size does NOT fit all.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 4:58 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.2   mamason bang

      I don’t know, TOS. I’ve heard that anyone can get into your pants.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 5:06 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.3   TheOldSchool bang

      I’m not so sure. They’re welcome to try.

      (I only ask that, while politely awaiting their turn, they form a single line, not block any aisles, and have their purses open and ready for inspection.)

      Aug 27, 2009 at 8:23 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.4   aaa bang

      I thought you didn’t bother with pants, TOS, what with getting in the way and all.

      Aug 27, 2009 at 8:25 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #32   Nix

    That guy really needs to change his tampon and STFU

    Aug 27, 2009 at 8:11 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #33   Amanda

    punch & solar plexus God I love mad libs….

    Aug 27, 2009 at 8:54 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #34   Whatever

    Nobody gives a fuck…live life, you douche canoes..

    Aug 28, 2009 at 1:06 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #34.1   Canthz_B bang

      From one who cares enough to send the very best?

      You’re right, nobody gives a fuck about you…die death.

      Aug 28, 2009 at 1:11 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #35   Adelene

    Anyone else notice that in the 24 hours that he has been complaining about his Facebook friends, he actually adds three more?

    I wonder if they wished him a happy birthday…

    Aug 28, 2009 at 11:56 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #36   Dave Rattigan

    I can’t believe his friends honour that second status update with a response.

    Aug 28, 2009 at 12:26 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #37   Wade

    Happy birthday, you’re not special! Congratulations, you popped out a crotch! But guess what, so did everyone else.

    Aug 28, 2009 at 2:42 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #37.1   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Not him, he was hatched.

      Aug 28, 2009 at 3:24 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #37.2   Wade bang

      Well, well, well. A doppelgänger.

      Always look for the ! seal of approval.

      Thank you, Kerry!!

      Aug 28, 2009 at 3:39 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #37.3   Mark bang

      I think he’s the anti-Wade, Wade!. You will need to confront him for eternity in a negative spinning magnetic corridor of some type.

      “What of Wade?”

      Aug 28, 2009 at 3:53 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #37.4   Canthz_B bang

      Wow! A rare episode of STTOS referenced!

      It’s almost like that one is a lost episode or something!

      Well done! :-D

      Aug 28, 2009 at 8:28 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #38   T imo® bang

    Guaranteed freshness!

    Aug 28, 2009 at 3:52 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #39   Angie

    The thing that REALLY irks me is that I HIGHLY doubt that he logs onto facebook every single day, checks whos birthday it is, and wishes them a “Happy Bday”… with that many friends you are bound to have a birthday at least every couple days. That guy is such a fucking asshole I can’t stand it…

    Aug 28, 2009 at 3:54 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #40   RP

    So that means that 88.7% of my friends are “people I don’t know at all but added as friends anyway because I AM A FACEBOOK WHORE”

    Aug 28, 2009 at 4:30 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #40.1   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Send him back to My Space.

      Aug 29, 2009 at 12:12 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #41   amb

    I don’t think he realizes that people can hide you on FB so they don’t have to see your stupid ass comments. I wonder what percentage of his friends saw his sad little bitch session.

    Aug 29, 2009 at 11:59 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #41.1   C.S. Harmonikah

      11%
      I’m betting he’s one of the people that posts on fb every 10 mins and all of his “friends” have blocked him.

      Aug 30, 2009 at 12:37 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #41.2   C.S. Harmonikah

      I feel guilty for doing this but i got curious and
      my birthday was earlier in the month.

      I looked back and I have about 120 fb friends, and received 15-20 birthday wishes. So 11% seems about average.

      Having done that, i feel like worse of a person now.

      Aug 30, 2009 at 12:42 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #41.3   C.S. Harmonikah

      and i just read #22
      so now Eric bummed me out.

      Aug 30, 2009 at 11:30 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #42   elle

    I’m guessing birthday girl was immediately unfriended by a sh!tload of “friends.”

    Sep 1, 2009 at 11:43 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #43   elle

    People send you brithday greetings?

    Sep 1, 2009 at 11:45 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #44   lily

    Facebook has a way of getting you down if people don’t respond or say happy birthday. But it is o addictive. My best friend is going abroad for her birthday so I will find it hard to get a feel card out to her. I have decided to send her a birthday greeting card online , at least I know it will definitely get to her.

    Sep 17, 2009 at 10:47 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #45   Ever wonder why Facebook doesn’t come with a “dislike” button?

    [...] related: facebook: a place for navel-gazing narcissists [...]

    Nov 16, 2009 at 9:31 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #46   Ever wonder why Facebook doesn’t come with a “dislike” button?

    [...] related: facebook: a place for navel-gazing narcissists [...]

    Nov 16, 2009 at 9:31 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #47   It’s my pity party, and I’ll whine if I want to

    [...] I received 25 bday wishes out of 473 Facebook friends. [...]

    Jul 25, 2010 at 9:28 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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