Seriously, how much do you want to _____ this guy in the _____ right now? (you fill in the blank)
Next year, I think this guy and this girl should collaborate on a gigantic fucking birthday pity party.
related: you know, I’m getting input here that is relatively hostile
extra credit: Facebook is for narcissists
192 responses so far ↓
#1
situational lefty
Lonely much, John? With your 476 friends?
Happy birthday, douche canoe.
Aug 26, 2009 at 9:18 pm rating: 172
#2
Maas
“Happy” Birthday John, sorry it’s so late, it’s just that I don’t like you.
Aug 26, 2009 at 9:19 pm rating: 30
#3
Watchtower
So that means that 88.87% of your friends are not really your friends at all. All of the parties: pity parties. The adding of you to my Five: a sham. And all of the laughter we shared: Lies, just bittersweet lies.
But seriously, you only calculated the people who give a flying f— about your birthday to two decimal places. What gives?
Aug 26, 2009 at 9:21 pm rating: 20
#4
Quite Contrary
I’m more concerned about the two people who “liked” his status update.
Aug 26, 2009 at 9:24 pm rating: 53
#5
Quite Contrary
I’m also guessing his friend count may have declined after this posting, leading to a (not) surprising uptick in % return on birthday wishes. Way to go asshat!
Aug 26, 2009 at 9:25 pm rating: 31
#6
PunkyPower
I’m wondering if John left 476 birthday wishes this past year.
Aug 26, 2009 at 9:30 pm rating: 104
#7
TheOldSchool
Shouldn’t he be formulating an equation that would factor in an X percentage discount for the late birthday wishers?
And a text message surely doesn’t merit point equivalence with a purchased card.
And what about that mixtape that Jane and I sent him from Tokyo?
Aug 26, 2009 at 9:33 pm rating: 15
#8
Feh!
So that means that 88.87% of your friends are “well aware of what a petulant egomaniac you are and aren’t interested in feeding your sense of entitlement.”
Aug 26, 2009 at 9:34 pm rating: 72
#9
ClearlyDemented
I thought birthdays were measured by how many gifts you got WITH receipts. You can’t trade in a ‘wish’ for a _________.
Aug 26, 2009 at 9:36 pm rating: 5
#10
Will
The saddest part? In his original assessment, it comes out to 5.04%…he rounded up to 5.1% out of sheer, chin-shaking depression.
Aug 26, 2009 at 9:41 pm rating: 53
#11
Banessa
Sorry John, no one wants to wish you a happy birthday because everyone is wishing you were never born.
Aug 26, 2009 at 9:42 pm rating: 18
#12
Kelly
John, if you can name all of your 400-plus Facebook friends without looking at your computer, I promise to feel sorry for you.
Aug 26, 2009 at 9:42 pm rating: 56
#13
sam
too bad i dont know what a recont is…
Aug 26, 2009 at 9:43 pm rating: 2
#14
techimpaired
Besides the fact that I really do live up to my name, jackasses like this are why I never bothered to join facebook.
Aug 26, 2009 at 9:49 pm rating: 15
#15
Woman on the Verge
You have no friends willing to extend birthday wishes because you are the kind of guy who sits around calculating the percentage of his friends who extend birthday wishes.
Aug 26, 2009 at 10:10 pm rating: 38
#16
lightspeed
I feel very sorry for his wife – imagine listening to a grown man whine about facebook…ugh. Also, if he expects 476 acquaintances to wish him a happy birthday, I can only imagine what this gem of a man expects from his wife.
She is one lucky lady.
Aug 26, 2009 at 10:24 pm rating: 22
#17
Sabine
John, I would have wished you a Happy Birthday, but I really don’t care about you. I (and the other 400+ “friends”) received a request to be your “friend” on facebook and decided to respond. Because I see you daily at work and know you to be a catty annoying fucker, I decided it would be easier to “friend” you than to have to hear from the rumor mill about the potential facebook snub. I see you in action daily and find you to be self-absorbed, whiny, petty, superficial and trying to hard to be the center of attention when you do nothing to warrant it.
If you have so many friends, why aren’t you out celebrating instead of calculating the return rate? I value my friends by how much we enjoy each other’s company and are there for each other, not by statistics.
Fuck you, your slighty imperfect math and your birthday.
Aug 26, 2009 at 10:59 pm rating: 56
#18
Miss Silver
I would delete this twat face from my list in a heartbeat. …reminds me of this time when I declined a friend invite from someone I really despised – I clicked the mouse button so hard, I nearly dislocated my finger.
Aug 26, 2009 at 11:12 pm rating: 38
#19
Slartablartfast
With shit like this it isnt hard to se why Socialism is gaining the popular vote to be sure. This is my peeve with any online service that tries to build “Community”, the key strength of the word being “Commune”. People often get the idea that friends are about numbers and how many people are on “your side”, nobody finds strength from within anymore and these sites encourage that in a passive way. Before I get chastized for being an anti-online-community zellot, I do have a facebook account, I thought it would be an easy way to see what my family (in a different state) is doing and also to show them baby pictures of our daughter and it has proven useful for that purpose; but I make a point not to allow this type of personality into that space for this very reason. It is sad and I would like to say I feel sincerely sorry for them for being so shallow (and bad at maths) but I think that is reaching for me. .. Yikes folks.. Yikes!
Aug 26, 2009 at 11:32 pm rating: 1
#20
Canthz_B
I’m in for a high-tech lynching. Today is my daughter’s 23rd birthday and I only just now sealed her card for mailing.
Let’s hope $50.00 still buys forgiveness in this immediate gratification world.
Aug 27, 2009 at 12:45 am rating: 3
#21
Kaylabear
Don’t people already know that their ‘friends’ on FB aren’t all totally REAL friends???
And yes, FB IS the place for narcissists – that’s why I just abandoned the damn thing all together. I like real life better.
Aug 27, 2009 at 12:46 am rating: 4
#22
Canthz_B
Anyone who can average 1.3 birthday salutations sent per day has a right to gripe about not getting many.
This assumes, of course, that he’s as good a friend to others as he expects to have.
Aug 27, 2009 at 12:53 am rating: 2
#23
Eric
so, rather ironically, today was my birthday. I counted all my birthday comments, text messages, cards, and whatever forms of communication (including personal contact) and i was ecstatic by the number of people who remembered me. i didnt even know i knew that many people.
Aug 27, 2009 at 1:03 am rating: 8
#24
mamason
See, this is why you send requests to add your FB “friend’s” birthdays to your event calendar. Then they feel obligated to add you to theirs as well, and then all of your “friends” will receive automatic reminders and updates when your birthday approaches and then you feel loved with the outpouring of birthday wishes! Happiness is just a mouse click away!
Aug 27, 2009 at 2:00 am rating: 2
#25
meh
Judging by the how old your ‘friends’ look, John, I put you at the age of 36, and judging by your pathetic whining and the stock you still hold in your birthday, I put your maturity level at the age of 5. This comes to a douche canoe ratio of 13.88%.
If you would like to raise this percentage go to a mirror and repeat these two sentences to yourself.
1) “I am not special in any way, shape or form.”
2) “I am not entitled to anything at all.”
Aug 27, 2009 at 2:09 am rating: 14
#26
TheOldSchool
Am I the only one who is sometimes confused as to whether FB means FaceBook or FuckBuddy?
It has lead to my making some awkward erroneous assumptions with my neighbors.
Aug 27, 2009 at 2:48 am rating: 3
#27
oi
And all this time I thought birthday was a sad occasion anyway. You lose one year from life and you are tad closer to the death.
Don’t even think that I am being morbid.
Cynics have their own benefits. You are never dissappointed ever period.
Aug 27, 2009 at 12:16 pm rating: 6
#28
oi
Is there a better way to say I am a whinny ass loser than to whine on FB that you have received only so many birthday wishes?
Aug 27, 2009 at 12:18 pm rating: 1
#29
oi
beg, beg for the love. yes that will get you true love.
Aug 27, 2009 at 12:19 pm rating: 4
#30
oi
ok I am done now.
Aug 27, 2009 at 12:24 pm rating: 1
#31
aaa
And out of those 476 “friends”, John only knows 132 in real life. 8 of those are actually his friends. The rest are coworkers, classmates, and family (‘cuz weirdos friend their family), or people he might’ve run across once and mutually decided to “friend”. The 344 people he doesn’t know in meatspace are just people who happen to be in his network or have shared interests and friended him for shits and giggles. Out of all of those acquaintances and strangers, he’s only wished the 3 whose pants he wanted to get into a happy birthday.
Aug 27, 2009 at 4:24 pm rating: 1
#32
Nix
That guy really needs to change his tampon and STFU
Aug 27, 2009 at 8:11 pm rating: 1
#33
Amanda
punch & solar plexus God I love mad libs….
Aug 27, 2009 at 8:54 pm rating: 2
#34
Whatever
Nobody gives a fuck…live life, you douche canoes..
Aug 28, 2009 at 1:06 am rating: 1
#35
Adelene
Anyone else notice that in the 24 hours that he has been complaining about his Facebook friends, he actually adds three more?
I wonder if they wished him a happy birthday…
Aug 28, 2009 at 11:56 am rating: 3
#36
Dave Rattigan
I can’t believe his friends honour that second status update with a response.
Aug 28, 2009 at 12:26 pm rating: 2
#37
Wade
Happy birthday, you’re not special! Congratulations, you popped out a crotch! But guess what, so did everyone else.
Aug 28, 2009 at 2:42 pm rating: 2
#38
T imo®
Guaranteed freshness!
Aug 28, 2009 at 3:52 pm rating: 1
#39
Angie
The thing that REALLY irks me is that I HIGHLY doubt that he logs onto facebook every single day, checks whos birthday it is, and wishes them a “Happy Bday”… with that many friends you are bound to have a birthday at least every couple days. That guy is such a fucking asshole I can’t stand it…
Aug 28, 2009 at 3:54 pm rating: 3
#40
RP
So that means that 88.7% of my friends are “people I don’t know at all but added as friends anyway because I AM A FACEBOOK WHORE”
Aug 28, 2009 at 4:30 pm rating: 3
#41
amb
I don’t think he realizes that people can hide you on FB so they don’t have to see your stupid ass comments. I wonder what percentage of his friends saw his sad little bitch session.
Aug 29, 2009 at 11:59 am rating: 2
#42
elle
I’m guessing birthday girl was immediately unfriended by a sh!tload of “friends.”
Sep 1, 2009 at 11:43 am rating: 0
#43
elle
People send you brithday greetings?
Sep 1, 2009 at 11:45 am rating: 0
#44
lily
Facebook has a way of getting you down if people don’t respond or say happy birthday. But it is o addictive. My best friend is going abroad for her birthday so I will find it hard to get a feel card out to her. I have decided to send her a birthday greeting card online , at least I know it will definitely get to her.
Sep 17, 2009 at 10:47 am rating: 0
#45 Ever wonder why Facebook doesn’t come with a “dislike” button?
[...] related: facebook: a place for navel-gazing narcissists [...]
Nov 16, 2009 at 9:31 pm rating: 0
#46 Ever wonder why Facebook doesn’t come with a “dislike” button?
[...] related: facebook: a place for navel-gazing narcissists [...]
Nov 16, 2009 at 9:31 pm rating: 0
#47 It’s my pity party, and I’ll whine if I want to
[...] I received 25 bday wishes out of 473 Facebook friends. [...]
Jul 25, 2010 at 9:28 pm rating: 0
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