Another sign of the times: Nick in Tampa, Florida says the sodas in his small office used to be free, but now they cost 50 cents. And yet, Nick says, “when they’re left out unguarded and unsecured, naturally, people steal them.”
Eventually, one coworker thought instilling the fear of god would make for a good theft-deterrent…which inspired another coworker to quote scripture in protest of the new drink policy.
related: no, He uses vaseline
141 responses so far ↓
#1
park rose
Well, with the thumbs up and the beatific smile, Jesus is watching you steal diet cokes, and he approves. I shudder to think though, that from the second note (from John
), that the blood of Christ is no longer represented by red wine but a concoction of cyclamates, aspartame, and acesulfame potassium and pseudoephedrine.*
* I have no clue whether any of these chemicals are one and the same. Nor whether they are actually included.
Sep 7, 2009 at 6:42 pm rating: 90
#2
Geek Goddess
Naturally people steal them? The only thing that keeps you from stealing, Nick, is the fact that the object is not nailed down or watched 24/7? I bet that is an office that also goes through a lot of toilet paper and pens!
Sep 7, 2009 at 6:43 pm rating: 90
#3
Will
I always quote scripture when I’m caught shoplifting from Safeway. It totally works.
Sep 7, 2009 at 6:48 pm rating: 90
#4
Amanda
I totally understand the need for a Diet Coke – it’s like a tasty, tasty refreshing drug.
Sep 7, 2009 at 6:49 pm rating: 90
#5
Kelly
Oh yeah? Well, “Do not say to your neighbor, ‘Go, and come again, tomorrow I will give it’—when you have it with you. Do not plan evil against your neighbor, who dwells trustingly beside you.” Proverbs 3:28-29
Or how about: “For because he himself has suffered when tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.” Hebrews 2:18
Sep 7, 2009 at 7:06 pm rating: 90
#6
situational lefty
Jesus also said, “Will you people please deal with this shit without involving me? I’ve got better things to do!!”
Sep 7, 2009 at 7:13 pm rating: 91
#7
Buddy Christ
Anyone who thinks that religious threats are somehow going to make people refrain from theft or other crimes obviously doesn’t know many religious people.
Sep 7, 2009 at 7:14 pm rating: 90
#8
Kit
Yes, GeekGoddess- people steal.
People cheat on their taxes and their spouses , and generally people do a LOT of things they ought not to do, and will happily tell OTHERS not to do – as long as they know they won’t get caught.
It works like this – each and every one thinks “MY situation is *special*. ”
Recent surveys have shown that well over 80% of people would NOT alert the cops if a parent or spouse committed homicide !
Welcome to reality, GG.
Sep 7, 2009 at 7:18 pm rating: 90
#9
G
Is that a claymation Jesus?
Sep 7, 2009 at 7:43 pm rating: 90
#10
mamason
“Let him that stole, steal no more: but rather let him labour, working with his hands… that he may have to give to him that needeth”… a diet coke. Eph 4:28
Sep 7, 2009 at 7:44 pm rating: 90
#11
Canthz_B
♫ Jesus loves me,
this I know.
With this free drink,
off I go. ♫
Sep 7, 2009 at 7:45 pm rating: 90
#12
zenvelo
is that supposed to be Jesus? looks like the guy who used to sell me dope, but always tried the product first. All he needs is sunglasses…
Sep 7, 2009 at 7:53 pm rating: 90
#13
Canthz_B
I’ve always known in my heart of hearts that Jesus is a Sting fan.
Every guard you shake, every can you take, I’ll be watching you!
Sep 7, 2009 at 7:57 pm rating: 90
#14
Patsy
Why is only Jesus watching? What about other mythical beings? I bet Zeus is looking for work.
Sep 7, 2009 at 8:05 pm rating: 90
#15
Patsy
You know people have hit rock bottom when they are stealing warm Diet Cokes.
Sep 7, 2009 at 8:09 pm rating: 90
#16
leftfoot
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no thirst: for thou art with me; thy diet and thy coke they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my passive aggressive employers. You anoint my head with breast milk; my microwave has time remaining.
Surely snarkyness and clip art will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of crazy forever.
ah-fucking-men.
Sep 7, 2009 at 8:15 pm rating: 90
#17
TheOldSchool
The Jesus on this poster is far too reminiscent of “Everybody Loves Raymond” co-star, Brad Garret, for him to carry any credibility.
Using a bargain-basement Jesus to make your case just smacks of flop-sweat-induced desperation.
Sep 7, 2009 at 8:17 pm rating: 90
#18
shwonline
WWJD = What would Jesus drink?
Sep 7, 2009 at 8:18 pm rating: 90
#19
mamason
I’ll bet Judas did it!
Sep 7, 2009 at 8:38 pm rating: 90
#20
mamason
Which one of you, if he has a hundred diet cokes and loses one of them, would not leave the ninety-nine in the open refrigerator and go look for the one that is lost until he finds it? Luke 15:4
Sep 7, 2009 at 8:43 pm rating: 90
#21
pilgrimchick
That’s brilliant. It actually makes Bible study worthwhile for those of us who aren’t religious.
Sep 7, 2009 at 9:26 pm rating: 90
#22
Tsar N.
So stealing the image of ‘Buddy Christ’ from the movie “Dogma” is ok though?
Sep 7, 2009 at 9:53 pm rating: 90
#23
Neeners
Yea, verily I say unto you…. he who has not stolen a diet coke, cast the first can.
Go forth and steal no more…..dudes they are 50 cents you can afford it.
Sep 7, 2009 at 10:16 pm rating: 90
#24
aaa
Ew, who the fuck would actually want to steal Diet Coke? Aside from Satan. He’s a given. D:
Sep 7, 2009 at 10:43 pm rating: 90
#25
Canthz_B
I once proclaimed: “If anyone is thirsty, let her come to me and drink.”
It’s never a good idea to shout that, as a naked boy in the girls locker room in high school, I soon found.
Don’t do drugs.
Sep 8, 2009 at 12:11 am rating: 90
#26
JetJackson
Jesus died for our sins so that I could steal this can of diet coke, then ask for forgiveness and enjoy both the diet coke and the spoils of heaven.
Thanks for the loophole Jesus!
Sep 8, 2009 at 12:54 am rating: 90
#27
tinkerspell
dude… using Buddy Christ to intimidate. Not cool.
Sep 8, 2009 at 1:31 am rating: 90
#28
bowloftoast
I call Spartan Theory on all of these ‘please stop stealing our food’ notes.
We come into the world with two imperatives:
1) Breathe, or die
2) Eat/Drink, or die
…and since the breathing happens automatically, that leaves the pursuit of food/drink as the single greatest priority of all living things.
Given the opportunity (and given the penalty for not taking advantage of the opportunity), all living things are going to, at some point, take the path of least resistance. Stealing an unguarded can of Diet Coke, a jar of Beaver Mustard, or a loaf of fucking delicious bread is as inherent to human nature as is, for example, breathing.
To expect it not to happen makes about as much sense as being disappointed with the neighbourhood racoon for rifling through your garbage cans at night.
Even if you are a friend of the aforementioned Mr. Christ and ‘would never do such a thing’, there is an equivalent that everyone would and has done at some point, as a means to cheat death.
One would expect that Mr. Christ would understand, and he certainly wouldn’t be busting balls over a can of soda pop. Then again, I’m for Zeus.
Sep 8, 2009 at 2:38 am rating: 90
#29
Jessica
Is it wrong that I now WANT to go and steal a can of coke?
Sep 8, 2009 at 4:24 am rating: 90
#30
GhostWriter
I’m joining Team Diet Coke Thief, because the office supplier is trying to make an unfair buck off his thirsty coworkers. 50¢ a can puts about $3 in your coke dealer’s pocket every day.
Fuck governmental oversight- the best way to control unbridled capitalism is thievery.
Sep 8, 2009 at 9:10 am rating: 90
#31
T.U.M.
Couldn’t He just multiply to sodas so there’s be enough for everybody? Or turn some water into Sierra Mist?
Sep 8, 2009 at 11:52 am rating: 90
#32
Julia
Damn internet.
I can not look at that picture of Jesus without hearing the phrase, “Jesus loves you, but I think you’re a cunt” in my head.
Sep 8, 2009 at 4:42 pm rating: 90
#33
russian
It’s probably not intended, but it looks to me like Jesus is saying as long as you ask him first, you can take the free diet coke
Sep 9, 2009 at 12:47 pm rating: 90
#34
JoMama
Are we sure that’s Jesus and not The Dude from “The Big Lebowski”? If so, The Dude would totally let us have a Diet Coke because he just wants his fucking rug, man…it pulled the room together…
Sep 9, 2009 at 2:17 pm rating: 90
#35
Maureen
This is HILARIOUS!!!
Sep 9, 2009 at 11:15 pm rating: 90
#36
MAPKET
“Спасибо”
Sep 12, 2009 at 12:04 am rating: 90
#37
flu vaccine researcher
Reading so many articles about it… To be afraid, or not?
Sep 14, 2009 at 4:54 am rating: 90
#38
Analogeyser
Goldilocks and the third-strike pig (on Calvary)
{to the tune of Pancho + Lefty…or Suzanne}
And Jesus was a bandit, boys
He skulked to the water cooler
He spent a long time watching
Over his furtive Hebrew shoulder
And when he thought the coast was clear
And his thiev’ry had smooth sailin’
He said “All men will be stealers then
‘Til tea from China frees them”
But he himself was busted
Boss’s ninja-cam had Him dead to rights
Focused, lasered, nearly tasered
He called his Pharisee lawyer on the phone
Sep 19, 2009 at 9:04 pm rating: 90
#39
Joe Blow
Actually, if the office wanted to charge .50 I would pay. But if someone wanted to threaten me with the Jesus, then I would steal away.
Jan 4, 2010 at 3:59 pm rating: 90
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