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And Jesus said “oh, snap!”

September 7th, 2009 · 141 comments

Another sign of the times: Nick in Tampa, Florida says the sodas in his small office used to be free, but now they cost 50 cents. And yet, Nick says, “when they’re left out unguarded and unsecured, naturally, people steal them.”

Eventually, one coworker thought instilling the fear of god would make for a good theft-deterrent…which inspired another coworker to quote scripture in protest of the new drink policy.

jesus is watching you steal diet cokes

related: no, He uses vaseline

FILED UNDER: Diet Coke · Jesus · most popular notes of 2009 · office · oh snap · stealing · Tampa

141 responses so far ↓

  • #1   park rose

    Well, with the thumbs up and the beatific smile, Jesus is watching you steal diet cokes, and he approves. I shudder to think though, that from the second note (from John ;) ), that the blood of Christ is no longer represented by red wine but a concoction of cyclamates, aspartame, and acesulfame potassium and pseudoephedrine.*

    * I have no clue whether any of these chemicals are one and the same. Nor whether they are actually included.

    Sep 7, 2009 at 6:42 pm   rating: 27  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   nigedo bang

      Yeah that original note is about as passive aggressive as it comes and the cutesy Christ just makes the whole thing more saccharine, like the drink. 10 out of 10 for that co-worker’s response though.

      I would also like to think that Jesus cares about calorie control.

      Sep 7, 2009 at 7:18 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #1.2   Joe

      I would say that the quote from John does not refer to Jesus’ blood but the ‘living water’ that He promises us. See, for example, the story of the woman at the well – John 4:1-22

      Sep 7, 2009 at 8:27 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #1.3   Neeners

      Wasn’t there something in the Bible too about not stealing? I think it was one of those big things your not supposed to do like a Commandment or something if your so inclined.

      If we all just stole whatever was sitting around I would have some terrific stuff like my neighbors new camper. As it is I’m going small now. I just take free pens and do misc personal copies at work.

      Sep 7, 2009 at 10:22 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #1.4   aaa bang

      The Bible says a lot of things. Most of which I ignore.

      Sep 7, 2009 at 10:49 pm   rating: 61  small thumbs up

    • #1.5   KatieMB

      I’m thinking most people who are willing to steal a can of soda are willing to ignore a picture of Jesus as well.

      Sep 8, 2009 at 5:03 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #1.6   Taubin bang

      The thumbs up Jesus is known as Buddy Christ, it’s from the movie Dogma (great movie)

      Sep 8, 2009 at 10:01 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #1.7   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Ladies and gentlemen, you have been judged guilty of sinning against our almighty God, and I promise you, you shall pay for your trespasses, in blood!
      [he rips open his shirt to reveal a silver breastplate]

      Sep 8, 2009 at 11:20 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #1.8   RigaToni

      Silent Bob is an instrument of God?

      Sep 8, 2009 at 4:16 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #1.9   Canthz_B bang

      I thought God played the lyre.

      Sep 8, 2009 at 7:50 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #1.10   Car RamRod

      @1.2 That Jesus was a naughty bastard wasn’t he? Not only does he approve of stealing this poor person’s diet coke, but now he wants me to drink some of his ‘living water’? Starting to sound like a sex offender. I guess it fits with the pedophile beard.

      Sep 9, 2009 at 8:41 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #2   Geek Goddess

    Naturally people steal them? The only thing that keeps you from stealing, Nick, is the fact that the object is not nailed down or watched 24/7? I bet that is an office that also goes through a lot of toilet paper and pens!

    Sep 7, 2009 at 6:43 pm   rating: 32  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   park rose

      I think that Nick is just living up to his name. Poor fellow, he has no choice. ‘Naturally people nick them’, is what he should have written, but yeah, that was my reaction too.

      Sep 7, 2009 at 6:56 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #2.2   Amanda

      I thought this too… sad state of affairs when theft, even petty theft, is the norm =(

      Sep 8, 2009 at 7:08 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #3   Will

    I always quote scripture when I’m caught shoplifting from Safeway. It totally works.

    Sep 7, 2009 at 6:48 pm   rating: 31  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   park rose

      It is for mine own pleasure that I ask the tabs of aspartme in a silver and red charger

      Different John. I know. I know. And not quite the bible.

      Sep 7, 2009 at 7:13 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #3.2   KatieMB

      Perhaps the Coca-Cola Bible, King James version?

      Sep 8, 2009 at 5:05 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #3.3   park rose

      It was the Wilde version, Katie, (Salome). It worked in my head. Maybe a bit too obscure… It could also be the Mick Jagger version (I will be your knight in shining armor
      Riding across the desert with a fine Arab charger
      ). Way off topic now, I think…

      Sep 8, 2009 at 5:56 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #4   Amanda

    I totally understand the need for a Diet Coke – it’s like a tasty, tasty refreshing drug.

    Sep 7, 2009 at 6:49 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   KatieMB

      I must heartily concur!

      Sep 8, 2009 at 5:05 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #5   Kelly

    Oh yeah? Well, “Do not say to your neighbor, ‘Go, and come again, tomorrow I will give it’—when you have it with you. Do not plan evil against your neighbor, who dwells trustingly beside you.” Proverbs 3:28-29

    Or how about: “For because he himself has suffered when tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.” Hebrews 2:18

    Sep 7, 2009 at 7:06 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Scripture isn't necessary, it's just annoying.

      Or how about “Please stop stealing cokes because it’s a douchey thing to do.”

      Or even better “Due to theft, we will no longer be stocking soda.”

      Sep 7, 2009 at 7:18 pm   rating: 48  small thumbs up

    • #5.2   KatieMB

      Or wearing sttockings.

      Sep 8, 2009 at 5:06 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #5.3   Kelly

      Or putting people in the stocks.

      Sep 8, 2009 at 9:36 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #5.4   Geek Goddess

      Or stalking the people who are stealing the cokes

      Sep 8, 2009 at 11:34 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #5.5   MAMARILLA2 bang

      I like stalking cokes best. They don’t get too far away.

      Sep 8, 2009 at 2:10 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

  • #6   situational lefty

    Jesus also said, “Will you people please deal with this shit without involving me? I’ve got better things to do!!”

    Sep 7, 2009 at 7:13 pm   rating: 55  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   LafinJack

      Yeah, Jesus is on the second to last level of Halo and he doesn’t want people bugging him.

      He’s very excited about it. Heaven is behind even Australia in the new video game releases.

      Sep 8, 2009 at 2:00 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #6.2   park rose

      Oddly enough, on balance, you’re probably quite correct about even Australia.

      Sep 8, 2009 at 2:15 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #7   Buddy Christ

    Anyone who thinks that religious threats are somehow going to make people refrain from theft or other crimes obviously doesn’t know many religious people.

    Sep 7, 2009 at 7:14 pm   rating: 29  small thumbs up

  • #8   Kit

    Yes, GeekGoddess- people steal.
    People cheat on their taxes and their spouses , and generally people do a LOT of things they ought not to do, and will happily tell OTHERS not to do – as long as they know they won’t get caught.
    It works like this – each and every one thinks “MY situation is *special*. ”
    Recent surveys have shown that well over 80% of people would NOT alert the cops if a parent or spouse committed homicide !
    Welcome to reality, GG.

    Sep 7, 2009 at 7:18 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Canthz_B bang

      Good to know I can trust my spouse and children not to give me up for the “Gigglebrax Fail Murders”.

      Sep 7, 2009 at 7:48 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #8.2   park rose bang

      Hey, I like Geek’s *special* version of reality better than this one.

      Guess what, Kit? – people forget to GIGGLEBRAX.

      It works like this – each and every one thinks “MY situation is *special*. That the reply to this comment button doesn’t apply to ME.”

      Recent surveys have shown that well over 80% of people who do NOT know how to gigglebrax (nest) find that their comments are left dangling, strangely out of context and not given the attention they deserve!

      It’s all right, though. I think I’ve rectified the situation and we can all sleep easy in our own individual back stabbing ways.

      Sep 7, 2009 at 7:52 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #8.3   mamason bang

      Well, Kit… It would really depend on the situation.

      Was the homicide a result of a drug deal gone bad? I’d say… report it.

      Was it the result of Uncle Bob taking the last diet coke again when I told the mother fuckER HE NEEDS TO KEEP HIS FAT FUCKING FREELOADING HANDS OFF MY DIET COKES? 8-O *ahem* I can only hope mom would pitch in with the shoveling.

      p.s. You forgot to gigglebrax.

      Sep 7, 2009 at 7:54 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

    • #8.4   park rose bang

      lol, Cb. Precision and brevity beats verbosity hands down every time (especially time-wise).

      Sep 7, 2009 at 7:55 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #8.5   Canthz_B bang

      Aw, rose, I’m just not as talented as you is all! ♥

      Sep 7, 2009 at 8:03 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #8.6   aaa bang

      And non-gigglebraxer and a funsucker, eh? You must be a real special case, Kit. :D

      Sep 7, 2009 at 10:12 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #8.7   TheOldSchool

      If I were mamason’s mother and she had just killed Uncle Bob, I’d tell her that the clean-up is her responsibility. Fair is fair.

      Then, while mamason was out in the back yard digging, first I’d calmly chuck out the can of missing diet coke that I had stolen and then blamed on Uncle Bob, and then I’d go through all of the dead man’s things looking for anything of value, before mamason beat me to it.

      Knowing my daughter as I do, I’d figure that digging a six foot deep hole would take her two hours and 45 minutes, so I’d start photographing Bob’s more desireable things, so that I could list them on e-bay before the “thief” was laid to rest.

      Sep 8, 2009 at 12:30 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #8.8   Neu

      Thou shalt gigglebrax correctly and pointest out not the ridiculousness of the word, least ye be passive aggressively smited.

      Sep 8, 2009 at 1:51 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #8.9   I have to ask

      I’ve seen the word used across the site several times, and I’ve been wondering: WTF is a gigglebrax?

      Sep 8, 2009 at 11:43 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #8.10   park rose

      Clarified in the parentheses (with love), comment #8.2, 4th paragraph, 6th line down, 5 words in from the left.

      Hope this helps : )
      (Sorry for not using your name, it just didn’t look like a name every time I typed it).

      Sep 9, 2009 at 12:02 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #8.11   Canthz_B bang

      I have to ask: Madge, what’s a gigglebrax?

      Madge: You’re soaking in it!!

      Sep 9, 2009 at 12:18 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #8.12   Geek Goddess

      “You’re soaking in it!!” ?
      Just how old are you, CB?
      The only reason I get that reference is because I used to read my mom’s magazines when I was really, really young, and I am really, really old now.

      Sep 9, 2009 at 1:02 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #8.13   MAMARILLA2 bang

      I understood…*hanging head*

      Sep 9, 2009 at 5:38 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #8.14   Canthz_B bang

      GG, let’s see…you know how old dirt is, right?

      Sep 9, 2009 at 10:04 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #9   G

    Is that a claymation Jesus?

    Sep 7, 2009 at 7:43 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   Pishposh

      No, it’s Buddy Christ. Catholicism WOW!

      Sep 7, 2009 at 7:54 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #9.2   park rose bang

      It sparkles. I love me my saints, the Sacred Heart, luminous rosary beads, 3-D hanging-from-the-cross-in-a-loin-cloth clocks. I always felt sorry that the members of the more austere churches had nothing to distract them from the droning sermons, such as twinkling candles, the Stations of the Cross, stained glass windows and the heavenly smell of frankincense.

      Of course, the Inquisition can remain in the darkish ages from which it arose, and the Pope’s opposition to birth control, abortion and those of Oscar Wilde’s ilk, is better buried there, too.

      Sep 7, 2009 at 8:05 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #9.3   Beanster

      mmm. dogma.

      this works in two ways. let me explain.
      a. Buddy Jesus from the movie “Dogma”
      b. it is dogmatic to cite Jesus in relation to diet cola.

      feel free to add layers of meaning as you see them.

      Sep 7, 2009 at 8:55 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #9.4   park rose bang

      Ah, I see, my failure to see a movie more than once works against me yet again ;)

      Cheers, beans and VUDU below.

      Sep 7, 2009 at 9:11 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #9.5   TheOldSchool

      I’ve never seen it. I’ve learned that bothers people who really like this film when they discover that someone hasn’t seen it.

      That’s reason enough for me to go out of my way to make certain that I never see it.

      What else do you “Dogma” geeks really think is great? (Aside from: facebook, video games, comic books, and masturbating into dirty socks.)

      Sep 8, 2009 at 1:05 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #9.6   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Leave it to the Catholics to destroy existence.

      Sep 8, 2009 at 11:27 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #9.7   GhostWriter bang

      Constantine : Dogma :: Grey’s Anatomy : Scrubs

      Each great in their own way, but a direct comparison is unfair to either genre. Better, a relationship highlights conceptual crossover, rather than difference.

      OMG- you’ve GOT to see Constantine!

      Sep 8, 2009 at 11:59 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #9.8   mamason bang

      I <3 Constantine!

      Sep 8, 2009 at 4:06 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #9.9   Gravity's Rambo

      No Constantine was hacky and dull. Nothing new and Keanu brought nothing new to the genre’s hero.

      Sep 8, 2009 at 7:54 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #10   mamason bang

    “Let him that stole, steal no more: but rather let him labour, working with his hands… that he may have to give to him that needeth”… a diet coke. Eph 4:28

    Sep 7, 2009 at 7:44 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

  • #11   Canthz_B bang

    ♫ Jesus loves me,
    this I know.
    With this free drink,
    off I go. ♫

    Sep 7, 2009 at 7:45 pm   rating: 27  small thumbs up

  • #12   zenvelo

    is that supposed to be Jesus? looks like the guy who used to sell me dope, but always tried the product first. All he needs is sunglasses…

    Sep 7, 2009 at 7:53 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   MAMARILLA2 bang

      He can turn plain oregano into the best red hair weed. Water into wine is so yesterday.

      Sep 8, 2009 at 9:39 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #13   Canthz_B bang

    I’ve always known in my heart of hearts that Jesus is a Sting fan.

    Every guard you shake, every can you take, I’ll be watching you!

    Sep 7, 2009 at 7:57 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

  • #14   Patsy

    Why is only Jesus watching? What about other mythical beings? I bet Zeus is looking for work.

    Sep 7, 2009 at 8:05 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   park rose bang

      Zeus probably is the can, or its contents, waiting for an opportunity to defile you from the inside. They were pretty good at shape-shifting, ye Gods of olde.

      Sep 7, 2009 at 8:11 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #14.2   Canthz_B bang

      Polyphemus can’t watch, Odysseus made sure of that.

      All the more reason to sleep with one eye open, if one is all you’ve got!!

      Sep 7, 2009 at 8:14 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #14.3   zombieBlanco bang

      The mythical being Al Gore is also watching. He knows if you don’t recycle.

      Sep 7, 2009 at 9:51 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #14.4   T imo®

      If you steal Diet Coke it makes Captain Crunch cry.

      Sep 8, 2009 at 11:32 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #14.5   MAMARILLA2 bang

      I know that Jose Cuervo and Captain Morgan will kill anyone who steals thier Cokes, diet or not.

      Sep 8, 2009 at 1:48 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #15   Patsy

    You know people have hit rock bottom when they are stealing warm Diet Cokes.

    Sep 7, 2009 at 8:09 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

  • #16   leftfoot

    Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no thirst: for thou art with me; thy diet and thy coke they comfort me.

    You prepare a table before me in the presence of my passive aggressive employers. You anoint my head with breast milk; my microwave has time remaining.

    Surely snarkyness and clip art will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of crazy forever.


    Sep 7, 2009 at 8:15 pm   rating: 34  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   Canthz_B bang

      My boss is an asshole, I shall not pay!
      He maketh me to lie down my cash money,
      He leadeth me to the vending machines,
      He tempts me with Coke.
      He leadeth me in the paths of thievery,
      For his profits’ sake.

      Sep 7, 2009 at 9:36 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #16.2   zombieBlanco bang

      The soda is the LORD’s, and the fulness thereof; the office, and they that drudge therein.

      For he hath founded it upon the corporations, and established it upon the breakroom counter.

      Who shall descend into the till of the LORD? or who shall pay the holy four bits?

      He that hath clean hands, and nonsmelly foodstuffs; who hath lifted the toilet seat upon peeing, and has not perfumed himself deceitfully.

      He shall receive the diet coke from the LORD, and thirstslaking from the God of his salvation.

      Sep 7, 2009 at 9:41 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #16.3   Jules

      The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

      Sep 8, 2009 at 11:49 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #16.4   ryanmalloy

      @16.3: Big Kahuna Burger – This IS a Tasty Burger!
      But don’t have a Diet Coke with that – the correct drink is Sprite!

      Sep 8, 2009 at 2:11 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #16.5   MAMARILLA2 bang

      This is Cristal! Everything else is just piss!
      What do you think of that tasty beverage?
      It’s *F******* good.

      Sep 8, 2009 at 6:32 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #16.6   Powdered Toastman

      Jules~ I bet your not invited to many parties, or am I mistaken? Was it you I saw on the street corner with that sign that said SINNERS REPENT THE END IS NIGH the other day?

      Sep 9, 2009 at 9:55 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #16.7   Canthz_B bang

      I doubt it. Jules was at home watching Pulp Fiction for the 847th time.

      Sep 9, 2009 at 10:00 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #17   TheOldSchool

    The Jesus on this poster is far too reminiscent of “Everybody Loves Raymond” co-star, Brad Garret, for him to carry any credibility.

    Using a bargain-basement Jesus to make your case just smacks of flop-sweat-induced desperation.

    Sep 7, 2009 at 8:17 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   VonUmlautDerUrheimat

      Bargain basement?!? This is none other than the “Buddy Christ” from Kevin Smith’s movie “Dogma”, as revealed by Cardinal Glick (the late, great George Carlin) during his ‘Catholicism Wow’ Campaign! Great movie! I happen to have a glow in the dark Buddy Christ on the dashboard of my car purchased from Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes themselves at a comic convention in Frisco.

      Sep 7, 2009 at 9:02 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #17.2   Canthz_B bang

      Jesus Christ, Superstar auditions for a toothpaste commercial.
      That head-shot got him a gig promoting Crest.

      Sep 7, 2009 at 9:13 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #17.3   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Thank you, thank you, thank you. Now we all know how the majority and the media in this country view the Catholic church. They think of us as a passe, archaic institution. People find the Bible obtuse… even hokey. Now in an effort to disprove all that the church has appointed this year as a time of renewal… both of faith and of style. For example, the crucifix. While it has been a time honored symbol of our faith, Holy Mother Church has decided to retire this highly recognizable, yet wholly depressing image of our Lord crucified. Christ didn’t come to Earth to give us the willies… He came to help us out. He was a booster. And it is with that take on our Lord in mind that we’ve come up with a new, more inspiring sigil. So it is with great pleasure that I present you with the first of many revamps the “Catholicism WOW. ” campaign will unveil over the next year. I give you… The Buddy Christ. Now that’s not the sanctioned term we’re using for the symbol, just something we’ve been kicking around the office, but look at it. Doesn’t it… pop? Buddy Christ…

      A television career awaits.

      Sep 8, 2009 at 11:34 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #18   shwonline bang

    WWJD = What would Jesus drink?

    Sep 7, 2009 at 8:18 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   mamason bang

      Not diet coke.

      Sep 7, 2009 at 8:36 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #18.2   Canthz_B bang


      Sep 7, 2009 at 9:09 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #19   mamason bang

    I’ll bet Judas did it!

    Sep 7, 2009 at 8:38 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #20   mamason bang

    Which one of you, if he has a hundred diet cokes and loses one of them, would not leave the ninety-nine in the open refrigerator and go look for the one that is lost until he finds it? Luke 15:4

    Sep 7, 2009 at 8:43 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

  • #21   pilgrimchick

    That’s brilliant. It actually makes Bible study worthwhile for those of us who aren’t religious.

    Sep 7, 2009 at 9:26 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #22   Tsar N.

    So stealing the image of ‘Buddy Christ’ from the movie “Dogma” is ok though? :-)

    Sep 7, 2009 at 9:53 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   aaa bang

      It’s theft of intellectual property. Copyright infringement totally doesn’t count.

      Sep 7, 2009 at 11:07 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #22.2   MAMARILLA2 bang

      While I like Dogma as entertainment, I would never in a million years consider it Intellectual Property…

      Sep 8, 2009 at 11:38 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #23   Neeners

    Yea, verily I say unto you…. he who has not stolen a diet coke, cast the first can.

    Go forth and steal no more…..dudes they are 50 cents you can afford it.

    Sep 7, 2009 at 10:16 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   aaa bang

      But is the Diet Coke worth 50 cents?

      Sep 7, 2009 at 11:06 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #23.2   ryanmalloy

      But is the Diet Coke worth eternal damnation?

      Sep 8, 2009 at 2:14 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #23.3   Wolverine Girl

      Diet Coke is eternal damnation.

      Sep 8, 2009 at 7:56 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #24   aaa bang

    Ew, who the fuck would actually want to steal Diet Coke? Aside from Satan. He’s a given. D:

    Sep 7, 2009 at 10:43 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   Neeners

      Satan drinks Dr. Pepper

      Sep 9, 2009 at 9:57 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #25   Canthz_B bang

    I once proclaimed: “If anyone is thirsty, let her come to me and drink.”

    It’s never a good idea to shout that, as a naked boy in the girls locker room in high school, I soon found.
    Don’t do drugs.

    Sep 8, 2009 at 12:11 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #26   JetJackson

    Jesus died for our sins so that I could steal this can of diet coke, then ask for forgiveness and enjoy both the diet coke and the spoils of heaven.

    Thanks for the loophole Jesus!

    Sep 8, 2009 at 12:54 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Who cares who sent the paper? All that matters is that after all these years, we found a loophole! They can’t keep us out anymore! And once we get back in, I’m sure they’ll just forgive and forget.

      Sep 8, 2009 at 11:48 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #27   tinkerspell

    dude… using Buddy Christ to intimidate. Not cool.

    Sep 8, 2009 at 1:31 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #28   bowloftoast bang

    I call Spartan Theory on all of these ‘please stop stealing our food’ notes.
    We come into the world with two imperatives:
    1) Breathe, or die
    2) Eat/Drink, or die
    …and since the breathing happens automatically, that leaves the pursuit of food/drink as the single greatest priority of all living things.
    Given the opportunity (and given the penalty for not taking advantage of the opportunity), all living things are going to, at some point, take the path of least resistance. Stealing an unguarded can of Diet Coke, a jar of Beaver Mustard, or a loaf of fucking delicious bread is as inherent to human nature as is, for example, breathing.
    To expect it not to happen makes about as much sense as being disappointed with the neighbourhood racoon for rifling through your garbage cans at night.
    Even if you are a friend of the aforementioned Mr. Christ and ‘would never do such a thing’, there is an equivalent that everyone would and has done at some point, as a means to cheat death.
    One would expect that Mr. Christ would understand, and he certainly wouldn’t be busting balls over a can of soda pop. Then again, I’m for Zeus.

    Sep 8, 2009 at 2:38 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #28.1   park rose

      I’m not buying your logic, bowloftoast. I’ve lived in a few countries where stealing isn’t considered to be a generally accepted part of human nature. It does occur, but not to the extent that it seems to in the west. Then again, maybe it’s because a can of coke seems to be regarded as belonging to one of the main five food groups in the west, too, and therefore its acquisition is, as you say, one of humankind’s single greatest priorities.

      I am putting diet coke in the food group of artificially sweetened foods. I guess the other four groups are plutonium cakes, a serve of sewage, Danish blue cheese, and sloppy fæces as defined by the Bristol Stool Chart.

      And I’m calling Godwin’s Law on your Spartan Theory, and upping you the eightfold path to your path of least resistance. And I’ll throw a little Maslow into the mix, too, cos’ I think you missed out the hierarchy bit of hierarchical needs.

      Sep 8, 2009 at 5:45 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #28.2   bowloftoast bang

      No soup for you!

      Sep 8, 2009 at 10:48 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #28.3   bowloftoast bang

      It’s not about the coke as being a necessity; it’s about any and all micro-decisions about sustenance and survival.
      We are by our true nature hunter-gatherers. When our ancestors got hungry, they went out and killed something or picked fruit or drank from a river. There was no concept of commerce, just the collective actions of survival. Thirty-thousand years of this human behaviour is deeply engrained into our psyche and coded into our DNA. A few thousand years of capital commerce is not going to trump that. Like it or not, we are but beasts, regardless of how your Victorian peers sought to distance us from that fact.
      Of course humanity has the potential to rise above its baser instincts, but can you reasonably say that we, as a group, always do?
      If someone threatened your job – your means of survival – it would no doubt get your hackles up. You’d fight and defend yourself, because that is the way you feed yourself and satisfy imperative #2. It’s instinctive.
      There’s not much difference between the cognitive trigger to that self-defence, and the trigger to an ultimate decision about stealing food. It all starts in the same place in our subconscious. It’s all fundamental to human nature and it shouldn’t come as any great shock when such things occur.
      Step seven on the eightfold path: Rightmindfulness

      Sep 8, 2009 at 11:37 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #28.4   aaa bang

      Am I to take it that you’re saying you have right mindfulness? Y’know, if you have to say it, it probably isn’t true.

      Also: Whatever sick twisted fuck who actually wants to acquire a Diet Coke by any means, legal or not, is defective down to the core of their being. Which is definitely the mitochondria.

      Sep 8, 2009 at 2:49 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #28.5   bowloftoast bang

      By definition…”Right mindfulness is the controlled and perfected faculty of cognition. It is the mental ability to see things as they are, with clear consciousness. Usually, the cognitive process begins with an impression induced by perception, or by a thought, but then it does not stay with the mere impression. Instead, we almost always conceptualise sense impressions and thoughts immediately. We interpret them and set them in relation to other thoughts and experiences, which naturally go beyond the facticity of the original impression. The mind then posits concepts, joins concepts into constructs, and weaves those constructs into complex interpretative schemes. All this happens only half consciously, and as a result we often see things obscured. Right mindfulness is anchored in clear perception and it penetrates impressions without getting carried away. Right mindfulness enables us to be aware of the process of conceptualisation in a way that we actively observe and control the way our thoughts go.”

      In other words, the world is full of thieves and always has been, and always will be. To think it any diferent is not being honest with yourself.
      Just making a point about the process.

      And yes, Diet Coke sucks.

      Sep 9, 2009 at 2:10 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #28.6   aaa bang

      -5000 points for being serious on PAN. D:


      I’m a nihilist and am studying psychology, so don’t bother trying to out-”perception is reality” me. I’m already there and beyond. :/


      (I’m gonna be serious on PAN for like, two seconds, then I’m gonna go back to being a smartass. I promise. I’m totally not being a hypocritical douchebag! Okay, I am. -20,000 points.)

      I don’t believe there is such a thing as “always has been and always will be” (Or: why I’m not a Buddhist and why I don’t trust Descartes). Because:
      a) “Perception is reality” (Oh snap! I used the catchphrase!) and perception is flawed (At least in the sense of being able to perceive an absolute truth. If it weren’t, we’d all see things exactly the same way, that is we’d all see the absolutely true reality.). The way people view the world is tainted, in a sense, by perception and their thought processes (which are molded by their perception). I think there’s most likely no way of getting around this (why I’m not a Buddhist). Maybe, but I’m not holding my breath.
      a-1) I don’t trust Descartes because his way of “overcoming” the whole perception thing was a product his biased thought processes. :P
      a-2) I don’t believe in the concept of “truth” in the conventional context. I don’t believe in absolutes. I do go by the shared “truth” that people have tested and agreed on (science and all that crap that people tend to perceive in common) because it’s the most useful way (i.e. not necessarily “right” according that magical absolute standard of truth and reality, but the most useful thing for going about living in society’s shared reality).
      b) If we go by science and not philosophy, everything has a beginning and an end. Thieves couldn’t have happened until life began, and life’s gonna die out eventually. (Okay, so maybe I’ll be a smartass while I’m being serious, too.) Also, nobody has any idea if there’s going to be some radical shift in human psychology/genetics/biology/all that crap in the future that will completely wipe out the desire to steal in humans. That’s not to say it’s likely or anything, but weird unpredictable shit happens sometimes.
      c) Practically speaking, defeatism doesn’t work. ;D Shit behavior might never be totally wiped out, but (most) people aren’t completely static and can/do change, so shit behavior can be reduced/improved.


      Of course, this only works for you if you’re a nihilist. If you’re not, then I’m just full of shit. XD

      Sep 9, 2009 at 9:41 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #28.7   aaa bang

      What? I’m totally not trying to procrastinate on getting ready to go out and do stuff by writing novel length posts! Why would you suggest such a thing?

      Sep 9, 2009 at 9:42 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #28.8   bowloftoast bang

      Fair comment aaa, but there is a long history of theft and predation among the species on this planet, including humans, so its not exactly a concept, it’s fact.
      There’s also a difference between a defeatist attitude and an acknowledgement of fact.
      My comments were in response to Park Rose’s statement that ‘stealing isn’t…part of human nature’
      Watch any child grow and you will see that taking things is the natural behaviour. It’s *not* taking things that has to be taught. I’m of the mind that the lack of teaching, or an encouragement of taking in some cultures (which the censors have deemed shall remain nameless) is why theft prevails.
      If theft isn’t in our collective nature, then how else do you explain why it prevails?

      Sep 9, 2009 at 1:45 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #28.9   bowloftoast bang

      Good luck with your career in…um…well, good luck. ;)

      Sep 9, 2009 at 1:57 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #28.10   TP

      In the case of Diet Coke, though, that is more like seeking death out rather than cheating it.

      Sep 11, 2009 at 1:41 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #28.11   scaarykitty

      Thing is, you could follow that up with the whole “social contract” thing, where we created the concepts of boundaries and ownership to protect our own interests: if I can just take whatever I want because I need it for survival, then what’s to stop others from doing the same, and leaving me with nothing left to take? In this instance, I yoink a coke because I’m thirsty, but when others see me getting away with that, they do the same, and suddenly there’s no coke for anyone and we all die of thirst.

      It’s in my interest to respect the ownership of someone else, unless I know I’m the guy with the biggest stick, and can take whatever I want when all that’s left requires effort to get, and anything I have can be taken off me by anyone stronger or smarter.

      Sep 17, 2009 at 6:35 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #28.12   park rose bang

      I think that was my point, TP. Though I probably obfuscated it. We steal when we need to steal and things that will guarantee our survival, which was why I called in the hierarchy of needs. Is Diet Coke really so high in the hierarchy?
      Stealing is a perception as well.
      And didn’t Descartes doubt, aaa, wasn’t that his big thing (along with Thomas)?… just in case you ever come back and read this…

      Sep 17, 2009 at 6:38 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #29   Jessica

    Is it wrong that I now WANT to go and steal a can of coke?

    Sep 8, 2009 at 4:24 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #29.1   ryanmalloy


      Sep 8, 2009 at 2:18 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #29.2   Not really

      That’s a pretty normal reaction to people being self-righteous twats.

      Sep 8, 2009 at 3:35 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #29.3   mamason bang

      It’s only self righteous twattlery when it’s me doing the pilfering. If I’m the one being pilfered from, then I too, will break out the Buddy Jesus security system faster than my self righteous heartbeat!

      Sep 8, 2009 at 4:18 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #29.4   Jessica

      But I don’t even like diet coke…

      And they’re not even chilled!

      Sep 9, 2009 at 2:01 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #30   GhostWriter bang

    I’m joining Team Diet Coke Thief, because the office supplier is trying to make an unfair buck off his thirsty coworkers. 50¢ a can puts about $3 in your coke dealer’s pocket every day.

    Fuck governmental oversight- the best way to control unbridled capitalism is thievery.

    Sep 8, 2009 at 9:10 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #31   T.U.M.

    Couldn’t He just multiply to sodas so there’s be enough for everybody? Or turn some water into Sierra Mist?

    Sep 8, 2009 at 11:52 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #31.1   TheOldSchool


      Sep 8, 2009 at 9:08 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #31.2   TheOldSchool


      At the offices of Sterling Cooper, Jesus provided every executive with a fully stocked private bar.

      My gut tells me that Jesus doesn’t really love the sad-sacks at this little hell-hole.

      Sep 8, 2009 at 9:13 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #31.3   park rose bang

      I really think this was and is the greatest comment of the thread (TUM’s comment, sorry TOS). I thought it then and I think it now. Just so you know :)

      Sep 17, 2009 at 6:42 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #32   Julia

    Damn internet.

    I can not look at that picture of Jesus without hearing the phrase, “Jesus loves you, but I think you’re a cunt” in my head.

    Sep 8, 2009 at 4:42 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #33   russian

    It’s probably not intended, but it looks to me like Jesus is saying as long as you ask him first, you can take the free diet coke

    Sep 9, 2009 at 12:47 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #34   JoMama

    Are we sure that’s Jesus and not The Dude from “The Big Lebowski”? If so, The Dude would totally let us have a Diet Coke because he just wants his fucking rug, man…it pulled the room together…

    Sep 9, 2009 at 2:17 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #34.1   T imo® bang

      The dude abides man, hey there is a beverage here!
      No the dude would want us to sit down to a nice white russian only nihilists would wish diet cokes on you.

      Sep 9, 2009 at 3:40 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #34.2   ryanmalloy

      Most certainly it is not Jesus from The Big Lebowski. Nobody f*cks with the Jesus!

      Sep 10, 2009 at 12:03 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #34.3   scaarykitty

      It’s Buddy Christ™.

      People need to watch Dogma more.

      Sep 17, 2009 at 6:30 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #34.4   park rose bang

      People need to read the comments more before commenting.

      Sep 17, 2009 at 6:33 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #35   Maureen

    This is HILARIOUS!!!

    Sep 9, 2009 at 11:15 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #36   MAPKET


    Sep 12, 2009 at 12:04 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #36.1   Buddy Christ


      Sep 16, 2009 at 2:23 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #37   flu vaccine researcher

    Reading so many articles about it… To be afraid, or not?

    Sep 14, 2009 at 4:54 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #38   Analogeyser

    Goldilocks and the third-strike pig (on Calvary)
    {to the tune of Pancho + Lefty…or Suzanne}

    And Jesus was a bandit, boys
    He skulked to the water cooler
    He spent a long time watching
    Over his furtive Hebrew shoulder
    And when he thought the coast was clear
    And his thiev’ry had smooth sailin’
    He said “All men will be stealers then
    ‘Til tea from China frees them”

    But he himself was busted
    Boss’s ninja-cam had Him dead to rights
    Focused, lasered, nearly tasered
    He called his Pharisee lawyer on the phone

    Sep 19, 2009 at 9:04 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #39   Joe Blow

    Actually, if the office wanted to charge .50 I would pay. But if someone wanted to threaten me with the Jesus, then I would steal away.

    Jan 4, 2010 at 3:59 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

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