Thanks for the clarification

September 8th, 2009 · 107 comments

Exhibit a) From a share house of would-be flip-cup players in Garfield Heights, Ohio (!!!)

keep your dickbeaters (hands) off the glasses in this cupboard!!!

Exhibit b) from an office in Dallas. Writes our anonymous submitter: “Everyone in the building knew who was trashing the bathroom, but no one ever confronted the guy directly about it. After about a year, this note went up.” (Not surprisingly, it didn’t work.) Finally, our submitter says, the building engineer went directly to the guy’s boss to, um, clarify the situation further.

Due to increasing slovenliness, slobs will no longer be allowed to use this restroom.

And then there’s exhibit c) from a restaurant in Delaware.

PLEASE DO NOT LEAN ON GLASS

related: That means pants + shirts as a single unit

FILED UNDER: blitzkrieg approach · CAPS LOCK · obnoxious definition


107 responses so far ↓

  • #1   TheOldSchool

    I’ve never been so insulted. I know (all too well) what my dick beaters are.

    Sep 8, 2009 at 11:17 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Kelly

      That sounds kinda violent…

      Sep 9, 2009 at 1:15 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   JetJackson

      Dickbeaters!? You use both hands?

      Sep 10, 2009 at 5:47 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   leftfoot

    The half concealed blue sign in the last picture looks like:

    “DO NOT PAN ON ASS”.

    Sep 8, 2009 at 11:21 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   nigedo bang

      “Please O NOT ANON ASS”

      Local activists have commenced a determined effort to undermine the shop’s strict leaning policy. They avoid identification and prosecution by entering the shop backwards, concealing their features from security cameras, and resting their asses on the counter.

      Sep 9, 2009 at 4:42 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   Phase 2

    I notice it doesn’t say anything about dragging your balls across the glass…

    Sep 8, 2009 at 11:21 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   marpolejoel bang

      Or touching with dickbeaters

      Sep 8, 2009 at 11:24 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   leftfoot

      Or licking the glass after someone has dragged their balls over it.

      Sep 8, 2009 at 11:32 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.3   marpolejoel bang

      Can I use my dickbeaters to drag my balls on the glass? (dickbeaters…never heard the word before…now to be used daily, when leaning on glass;) )

      Sep 8, 2009 at 11:52 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.4   C.S. Harmonikah

      or beating dicks in them.

      Sep 9, 2009 at 12:12 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.5   Canthz_B bang

      Sounds like a recipe:

      Beat the whites of six dicks until they form peaks…

      Can I have volunteers from the audience?
      (stand clear of the aisles, ladies)

      Sep 9, 2009 at 12:33 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.6   marpolejoel bang

      umm…what do we do with the yolks?

      Sep 9, 2009 at 12:48 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.7   Kelly

      That sounds kinda racist, CB.

      Sep 9, 2009 at 1:16 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.8   Canthz_B bang

      I don’t see how that could possibly be racist.
      No Whites are coming out of my dick! :lol:

      Marpolejoel, we just laugh at the yolks!

      Sep 9, 2009 at 2:04 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   TheOldSchool

    So … plastic cups are the new cum-buckets.

    Time to chuck out that old jar of Miracle Whip.

    Sep 8, 2009 at 11:24 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Canthz_B bang

      You call yours Miracle Whip too?! ;-)

      Sep 8, 2009 at 11:52 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   TheOldSchool

      Ya, but ve say it: “miracle vip.”

      Sep 9, 2009 at 12:40 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.3   Canthz_B bang

      That’s better, whips make me nervous!
      It’s a “cultural” thing. ;-)

      Sep 9, 2009 at 2:08 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times

    At first I thought there were three signs indicating “PLEASE DO NOT LEAN ON GLASS”, but no, there’s a fourth professionally made plastic sign off to the left side. There were so many signs that the submitter couldn’t completely fit them all into one picture.

    This is what we call “overkill”. If they haven’t figured it out by the first sign, no amount of repeating the same message is going to change that.

    Sep 8, 2009 at 11:27 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Thomas

      wow you are so observant and intelligent, captain obvious.

      Sep 9, 2009 at 12:39 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   Canthz_B bang

      Maybe so, Thomas, but do you doubt his words?

      Sep 9, 2009 at 2:17 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.3   TheOldSchool

      Besides that, there is plenty of room for more signs.

      The additional signs would have to be tiny, but wouldn’t be a problem, as long as the store owner provided magnifying glasses.

      (I’d dangle several of them on string from the ceiling, making certain that they were all within range of my customers’ dickbeaters.)

      WARNING

      Whatever I do, I would NOT attach the magnifying glasses to common claw hammers dangling on string, because — think about it — when they swing they could break the glass!

      The most sensible solution would be to opt for a standard-sized ball and peen hammer with smooth, sexy contours that feel … “oh yeah… that’s it….yeah….. it’s just …. so fucking right on the money” in your handle squeezers.

      Sep 9, 2009 at 2:23 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.4   Canthz_B bang

      Magnifying glasses + dick-beaters= sad situation indeed.

      Sep 9, 2009 at 2:46 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.5   Talk about PA notes

      Wow, you are so needlessly condescending, asshole.

      Sep 9, 2009 at 2:51 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.6   GK bang

      PLEASE DO NOT LEAN ON NEEDLESSLY CONDESCENDING ASSHOLE

      Sep 9, 2009 at 3:07 am   rating: 40  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.7   Canthz_B bang

      Oh, never mind, not worth the effort.

      Sep 9, 2009 at 3:08 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.8   Koan

      If someone is complaining about someone being obvious by themselves being obvious, and doing so in a passive-aggressive way on a site about passive-aggressiveness, what does that make them?

      Sep 9, 2009 at 3:14 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.9   I am writing a comment

      I really don’t think you’re grasping the concept of the “name” textbox.

      Sep 9, 2009 at 3:21 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.10   park rose bang

      At #5.8: Koan, okay, I’ll bite (heh-heh). Ummm…The sound of one dick beating?

      Sep 9, 2009 at 4:11 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.11   Weaselbaby

      So, are “handle squeezers” the same things as “dick-beaters”?

      (I flunked Comparative Vertebrate Anatomy…)

      Sep 9, 2009 at 5:30 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.12   meh

      My old roommate referred to them as “man-handlers” if that helps.

      Sep 9, 2009 at 11:47 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.13   Flaboy2425

      Maybe we should just lean on the signs instead.

      Sep 9, 2009 at 12:56 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   TheOldSchool

    Is it any wonder why hugs are replacing handshakes?

    Sep 8, 2009 at 11:28 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   Oh Really

    So, um, no leaning on the glass while I piss on the toilet lid, then?

    Sep 8, 2009 at 11:30 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   Canthz_B bang

    I can’t quite make out that blue sign.
    Maybe if I just lean on the glass here…

    Sep 8, 2009 at 11:33 pm   rating: 37  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   Canthz_B bang

    I can just see our perpetrator from sign two:

    Well, this doesn’t apply to me, oh wait, according to the definition below…

    Sep 8, 2009 at 11:35 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   Canthz_B bang

    Anyone who’d wear a glass cup instead of a plastic cup isn’t a dick-beater.
    Hell, he shows his dick very little love at all.

    Personally, I opted for a Kevlar model.

    Sep 8, 2009 at 11:41 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   Canthz_B bang

    These people are brilliant!!

    The best way to keep customers from leaning on the glass is to cover the entire amount of counter space with “Please do not lean on the glass” signs!

    Now, where to put the “Please do not lean on the signs” signs?

    Sep 8, 2009 at 11:48 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   marpolejoel bang

      Probably will kill me to find out what kind of restaurant this is at…

      Sep 8, 2009 at 11:55 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   C.S. Harmonikah

      no, the best way to keep customers from leaning on the glass is to cover the counter space with barbed wire.

      Sep 9, 2009 at 12:14 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.3   Canthz_B bang

      Even more artsy-fartsy, spell out “Please do not lean on the glass” in barbed wire!

      Sep 9, 2009 at 12:24 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.4   Geek Goddess

      Even more artsy-fartsy, and enigmatic, spell out “Please lean on the glass” in barbed wire!

      Sep 9, 2009 at 1:08 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.5   Canthz_B bang

      Aww, GG.. thumbs up for The Inquisition at all times! :-)

      Sep 9, 2009 at 2:24 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   Canthz_B bang

    Interview basics:

    1) Maintain eye contact.

    2) Offer to shake the interviewer’s dick-beater.

    3) Always place the notch between the thumb and forefinger of your dick-beater firmly within the notch between the thumb and forefinger of interviewer’s dick-beater.

    4) Never act as if your dick-beater is hurt and say something lame like: “Boy! That’s some dick-beater you’ve got there!”

    Sep 8, 2009 at 11:58 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   GK bang

      “You must, uh, ‘work out’!”

      Sep 9, 2009 at 3:10 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   FredGarvin

      Actual 4 point handshake process description that a company I worked for paid a consultant to teach our upper level managers:
      1. Make the V
      2. Go to the crotch
      3. Pump twice
      4. Pull out

      We practiced on each other.

      Sep 9, 2009 at 5:07 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.3   mamason bang

      Wow! I’m trying to imagine what company needed to actually teach it’s “upper” management to shake hands. :-?

      Sep 9, 2009 at 5:56 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.4   Watchtower bang

      Agreed mamason!
      They’ve homogenized the handshake to a simple Hamburger Helper recipe. Where’s the spontaneity? Where’s the love? The best part of any recipe is love…

      Sep 9, 2009 at 6:36 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.5   Canthz_B bang

      I dunno, Fred.
      Sounds like you were given the quickie version.

      Sep 9, 2009 at 7:17 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.6   MAMARILLA2 bang

      “Pull out” ? not Pull Back. Rinse, repeat.

      Sep 9, 2009 at 7:35 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   Canthz_B bang

    “Wow, Bob! Your new baby girl has some set of lungs on her! I’ll bet she grows up to be an opera singer!
    Look how she grabs my finger! She’ll make a fine dick-beater with a grip like that, Bob!

    Hey! What did you do that for?!
    Do you know what I paid for those fillings?!”

    Sep 9, 2009 at 12:06 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   marpolejoel bang

      I’m laughing so hard, my dickbeaters can barely spell properly…

      CB…Clever Boy

      Sep 9, 2009 at 12:10 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.2   Wolverine Girl

      Yep, I’ve got to dick-beater it to you CB. Dick-beaters down, this post and the one above it are the funniest things I’ve read all day. You really are a dick-beatery guy to have around.

      Sep 9, 2009 at 2:14 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.3   Canthz_B bang

      Well, WG, I’d be glad to give you a dick-beat any time you’re in need.
      I’ve had beaver, but never any wolverine. There was that one badger, but that’s a long story! ;-)

      I’m so afraid of what the “day crew” will do with this one! ROTFL

      Sep 9, 2009 at 2:28 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.4   GK bang

      Badger? I hardly know ‘er!

      Sep 9, 2009 at 3:09 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.5   Canthz_B bang

      GK, do you have a Mybloglog account? :arrow:?

      Sep 9, 2009 at 3:44 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.6   GK bang

      A Mywhatwhat? That’s a gargling website, or…?

      Sep 9, 2009 at 4:03 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.7   park rose bang

      See the stirring up trouble section to the right, GK? The grid there is made up of those who have a mybloglog account.

      Sep 9, 2009 at 4:47 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.8   Donna Martin Graduates!

      I only date guys with a MyBigLog account…

      Sep 9, 2009 at 1:39 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.9   TheOldSchool

      mybloglog-beaters are to facebook-sitters as x is to y

      Sep 9, 2009 at 5:19 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.10   situational lefty

      What kind of log are you referring to, Donna? Sounds kinky…

      Sep 9, 2009 at 5:19 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.11   TheOldSchool

      SL,

      What could possibly be kinky about fallen timber in an old growth forest?

      Sep 9, 2009 at 6:25 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.12   situational lefty

      Haven’t you seen the latest in lumber porn? All that chopping and axe work… makes me hot just thinking about it.

      Sep 9, 2009 at 6:37 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.13   MAMARILLA2 bang

      I’m kind of in awe of the oversized chainsaw.

      Sep 9, 2009 at 7:36 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.14   Canthz_B bang

      Lumberjacks really know how to drop a log.

      Sep 9, 2009 at 7:42 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   C.S. Harmonikah

    Their terminology for anatomy shows signs of future nobel peace prize winners and poet laureates

    Sep 9, 2009 at 12:16 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   Geek Goddess

    The lost opportunities in that last one! I see two more signs that could have said “Please do not lean on the glass”, but no, somebody was slacking that day. You just can’t get good help any more.

    Sep 9, 2009 at 1:11 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   felix

    In the fine print a slob is defined in part as:

    “Anyone … who can’t be bothered lifting the lid before peeing…” (emphasis added)

    For serial? The lid?

    Sep 9, 2009 at 1:11 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   Geek Goddess

      Yeah, that would be a slob in my book.

      Sep 9, 2009 at 1:18 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.2   Canthz_B bang

      Peeing with the lid down cuts urinary mist considerably upon flushing, DUH!!

      Sep 9, 2009 at 2:39 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.3   Neeners

      My mother would say that the definition used of slob here would mean most men, but then she didn’t like them much anyway.

      Sep 9, 2009 at 10:38 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   The Great Joe Bivins

    So I should lean on the glass then?

    Sep 9, 2009 at 4:45 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   Sue Do Nim

      Please!

      Sep 9, 2009 at 4:16 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.2   Neeners

      It would be fun to take the glass out one day and have someone lean on it for shits and giggles, maybe then they wouldn’t lean anymore.

      Sep 9, 2009 at 10:03 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.3   TheOldSchool

      Shits AND giggles?

      I was always lead to believe I had a choice of just one or the other.

      Sep 9, 2009 at 10:12 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.4   MAMARILLA2 bang

      How do you hold up all the signs then…?

      Sep 9, 2009 at 10:21 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.5   Neeners

      If no slobs are allowed to use the restroom now I guess they can just go where they please. At their desk, in the hallway, whatever. What makes them think the slobs could hit a trough if they can’t hit the big one in the bathroom?

      Sep 9, 2009 at 10:23 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.6   Powdered Toastman

      17.3
      No you may shit and giggle at the same time now, it’s accepted. Just a warning, you generally end up going home alone that way though or taken to a padded room in a big pretty building with bars on the windows.

      Sep 9, 2009 at 10:46 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   itdb

    RE the first note…

    Does that mean virgins*/lesbians**/women-who-don’t-do-dickbeating are allowed to use the glasses?

    Cool! I wanna go to that party, VIP treatment! :)

    *ok, I know you can be a virgin and still have tried dickbeating
    **likewise

    Sep 9, 2009 at 6:49 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   T imo® bang

      Beaverfluffers can touch the glasses all they want.

      Sep 9, 2009 at 8:24 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.2   itdb

      But ironically not the mustard?

      Sep 9, 2009 at 8:50 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   Snayl bang

    Please Do Not Lean On Glass is actually the name of the restaurant.

    Sep 9, 2009 at 9:33 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   aaa bang

    So I take it that the writer of the first note doesn’t like his/her roommates’ guests very much. Way to be a gracious host.

    Sep 9, 2009 at 9:43 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   aaa bang

    Cool kids pee on toilet lids. Are you telling me that your piggy coworker isn’t a cool kid?

    Sep 9, 2009 at 9:46 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   situational lefty

      I thought all the cool kids peed their pants.

      Sep 9, 2009 at 5:21 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.2   mamason bang

      That’s just what your mom told you.

      Sep 9, 2009 at 6:01 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.3   situational lefty

      And all this time I thought I was a cool kid, when I was actually a regular kid with stinky pee pants. Dammit.

      Sep 9, 2009 at 6:40 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.4   Watchtower bang

      “If peeing your pants is cool, then consider me Miles Davis.”

      Sep 9, 2009 at 6:48 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   Sarah

    But…what about leaning on the glass? Can I do that?

    Sep 9, 2009 at 10:04 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   T imo® bang

      NO NO No no!
      But please feel free to snail trail it! :razz:

      Sep 9, 2009 at 10:41 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   Rich Beckman

    I wonder what the sign on the wall says.

    We make su?? ???-fashioned bigger.

    Sep 9, 2009 at 11:14 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #24   Oh Really

    So if hands are “dick beaters,” what are fingers? For example, if I get a manicure, do I say I got my asspoker nails polished?
    (Those manicures are so worth it for the dickbeater massage alone.)

    Sep 9, 2009 at 11:28 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   GhostWriter bang

      ♫ Hands on mineself
      Vas is das here?
      Das is my Ass-Poker!
      Ya – mama dear.

      Ass-Poker,
      Dick-beater,
      Lap-sitzer,
      Bread-basket,
      Chin-chopper,
      Eye-blinker,
      Rinky Dinky Doo -
      That’s vat I learnt in Das School…

      Boom Boom!

      Sep 9, 2009 at 12:04 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.2   T imo® bang

      twat-ticklers?

      * Don’t hit subm… *

      Sep 9, 2009 at 12:46 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #25   JoMama

    I’m sorry, can someone remind me what not to do in the sandwich shop? I seem to have forgotten, I’m too busy playing with my dickbeaters…

    Sep 9, 2009 at 2:11 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   The Mayor of Bethville

    Like an egg beater, only less painful if you get it caught in your hair.

    Sep 9, 2009 at 2:27 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   ozy

    wtf is flip-cup? wtf is a share-house? wft does this have to do with cups?

    Sep 9, 2009 at 3:05 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #28   claw71 bang

    If your concern is your precious glasses being touched by that which has provided sensual pleasure to my penis, you might want to reach for one of those plastics cups the next time your mom gets thirsty in the midst of her visit. Of course, she’s not doing much with her hands, unless you count that thing she does with her pinky. By the way, do you have her address? I seem to have found one of her press-on nails.

    Sep 9, 2009 at 4:11 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #29   Silhouette

    I was *going* to go out back to my trough with my plastic cup, but the door to the back is made of glass and I was afraid to lean into it.

    Sep 9, 2009 at 5:10 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   Canthz_B bang

    I agree with the dick-beater sign.

    There’s nothing I hate more than the sight of vibrators in the cupboard.

    Sep 9, 2009 at 7:05 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #31   Canthz_B bang

    That blue sign says “Please DO NOT MAN ON ASS”.

    Some people are such prudes!

    Sep 9, 2009 at 7:51 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #32   Linsley

    sooo… Can I lean on the glass?

    Sep 10, 2009 at 7:49 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #33   RoxyBlue

    Barbwire isn’t hardcore enough, just install razor wire. Or maybe pressure sensitive spikes that spring out. That would put an end to all the leaning on the glass but there would be the bother of cleaning blood off the glass day in and day out.

    Sep 10, 2009 at 9:31 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #33.1   Oh Really

      That’s why you go with something that just shoots an assload of voltage through their bodies every time they put their dickbeaters on the glass.

      Sep 10, 2009 at 12:42 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #34   InYourSleep

    That sounds WAY wrong….. like it should be in the catagory of “sex sex sex”

    Sep 27, 2009 at 6:11 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #35   sexy_angelina bang

    lol i love it!

    Oct 4, 2009 at 4:49 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #36   In case of emergency…well, you’re on your own. | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com

    [...] Gee, thanks for the clarification [...]

    Aug 30, 2010 at 9:39 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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