Writes Leslie in London: “My co-worker, Janine was having some serious keyboard RAGE and posted this request to our office’s online help desk, which every single person in the company can see…including Daniel.”
This post is dedicated to my cube-mate Leah, who recently received a surprise “gift” — a quiet-touch keyboard — from our boss, which succeeded in making her feel even more self-conscious about her “loud typing.”
Sadly, she observed, the IT department has no solution for the cringe-inducing sound our fellow coworker who insists on clipping her nails at her desk.
related: Suck on this!
174 responses so far ↓
#1
P-force
Keyboards still beat Typewriters!!
Sep 10, 2009 at 10:45 pm rating: 5
#2
jc
meh. Seems reasonable to me, that can get really annoying.
Sep 10, 2009 at 10:46 pm rating: 8
#3
TheOldSchool
I wanted to comment sooner, but I had to type this slowly and softly, so as not to disturb Janine.
Sep 10, 2009 at 10:54 pm rating: 51
#4
C.S. Harmonikah
i can see it.
I had a Creative Director that would be so pleased with his work that when he finished an idea he would slam the “enter” key with the force and volume that would rival the hammer of Thor.
Sep 10, 2009 at 10:57 pm rating: 6
#5
JetJackson
It would seem that Daniel’s ‘Dickbeaters’ were designed for pounding something other than a keyboard…
Sep 10, 2009 at 11:05 pm rating: 18
#6
La Loca
Did anyone else think they meant a musical keyboard and Daniel’s taste in music just didn’t jive with Janice?
No?
Ok then.
Sep 10, 2009 at 11:20 pm rating: 6
#7
lightspeed
Can we not mention a bad Smashing Pumpkins song again please? I’ve not said anything to anyone, but hearing the song in my head is really doing my head in.
Sep 10, 2009 at 11:33 pm rating: 1
#8
mamason
♫ “Daniel is typing tonight once again.
I can hear the keyboard strokes, It’s causing me so much pain
Oh and, I can hear Daniel typing, goodbye.
God, it sounds like Daniel. Must be the pain behind my eye.
Daniel my brother, you are louder than me
Do you still feel the pain of the words that you pound
Your keyboard died ’cause you type more than I
Daniel you’re a clod in this cubicle hell”
Sep 10, 2009 at 11:34 pm rating: 36
#9
Michael
She should be glad she doesn’t sit by me. I still use an old Model M keyboard and I refuse to type on anything else, the softer keys slow me down too much and destroy productivity.
Sep 10, 2009 at 11:46 pm rating: 4
#10
Baylink
Good thing she doesn’t work with me.
I proudly hammer on the noisiest keyboard ever built: the IBM Model M. I own 4 or 5 them now, and you can have them when you pry them out from beneath my cold, dead fingers.
(Obit: “Heston: You can have my guns, now.”)
Sep 11, 2009 at 12:05 am rating: 6
#11
Kelly
Janine, you’re being way too sensitive. I can barely hear Daniel’s keyboard clacking… the voices telling me to assassinate Reagan drown out loud typers very effectively.
Sep 11, 2009 at 12:17 am rating: 3
#12
mamason
meh! Nevermind forevermore.
Sep 11, 2009 at 12:19 am rating: 2
#13
Thanks!
Maybe I took too many pills, but who is Janine? And why is she doing her head in?
Sep 11, 2009 at 12:23 am rating: 1
#14
Canthz_B
If only poor tone-deaf Janine could keep up on bass their sound would be more harmonious.
Sep 11, 2009 at 1:01 am rating: 5
#15
bowloftoast
Dear Daniel:
Please find enclosed one Kleigen 6300 keyboard, designed specifically for sausage-fingered morons like yourself.
Best,
Mgmt
Sep 11, 2009 at 3:05 am rating: 3
#16
Canthz_B
Daniel can be excused for typing away with abandon.
When you get a good idea while writing Robinson Crusoe, you’ve gotta bang that sucker out!!
Sep 11, 2009 at 4:11 am rating: 1
#17
The Great Joe Bivins
No, no, no. It’s not really typing if you can’t hear the keys clicking, SO SAYS QWERTYUIOP, GOD OF TYPING.
Sep 11, 2009 at 4:35 am rating: 5
#18
Canthz_B
Is it really Daniel’s fault he was issued an IBM Seletric?
Sep 11, 2009 at 4:36 am rating: 2
#19
Clarissa
Dear Janine,
Here’s our online catalog: http://www.typewritermuseum.org/collection/index.php3?machine=royalqd&cat=kf.
Please let us know which one best fits your needs.
Thank you.
Mgmt
Sep 11, 2009 at 6:40 am rating: 2
#20
Uh oh
Is it ok if I only clip like one fingernail, maybe once a week? Now I am worried.
Sep 11, 2009 at 7:37 am rating: 1
#21
Wendy
Poor guy. Those ‘quiet’ keyboards are a bitch to type on. The keys are way harder to press, and it isn’t nearly so satisfying a sound as that click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click…
Sep 11, 2009 at 7:49 am rating: 2
#22
Wendy
Also… I used to help clean a bank when I was in junior high, for extra money. One of the VPs clipped his toenails under his desk. And just LEFT them there for us to clean up.
~Gag.
The best part was… his office walls were all glass, open to the bank lobby. When was he doing this?
Sep 11, 2009 at 7:51 am rating: 4
#23
Fragrant Liar
Just found your site. These posts are hysterical.
You know, men are some of the loudest typers out there. They pound their fingertips into the keyboard. Just sayin’ . . .
Sep 11, 2009 at 8:37 am rating: 2
#24
Pirate Buny
My co-worker cuts her nails at her desk too! With scissors!
Sep 11, 2009 at 8:55 am rating: 1
#25
bored
I am not surprised that Janine is whiner. Her name says that any given time she would whine about weather being too cold or too warm. Never comfortable and everybody’s after her for this or that.
Sep 11, 2009 at 9:29 am rating: 3
#26
number15
Ugh, I share a cubicle with a nail clipper. She also has a weave that has a distinct smell. Yes, smell. Jamaican me crazy!!! (she’s Jamaican).
Sep 11, 2009 at 9:36 am rating: 3
#27
GhostWriter
Daniel’s little clickety keyboard is no big deal. You want to be annoyed? Try spending the mid-80′s in a low-walled cubicle farm sitting across from Thomas Dolby and his Prophet 5 synth/keyboard! Man, those thumpy electro-bass tones shook my fillings, his raspy sawtooth melodies gave me the shakes, those ethereal whines echoed all the way into the breakroom…
“…and for God’s Sake,” I pleaded daily, “when will he stop worrying that one of his submarines is missing?”
Sep 11, 2009 at 9:53 am rating: 5
#28
bored
It’s doing your head in indeed! That’s why you go posting on community helpline about your preferred solution about situation which, of course, involves embaressing the other party in front of whole office. Let me tell ya, if you were to fuck with me, I would make sure that quieter key board is louder than the other.
Nah! further analysis shows you have not got head in the first place to be done in but just the ass instead.
Sep 11, 2009 at 10:10 am rating: 3
#29
GK
Can we get this guy a replacement keyboard as well? Perhaps a foam rubber one would be best.
Sep 11, 2009 at 11:06 am rating: 5
#30
claw71
Janine could have resolved this problem herself if she would have done something radical like focus on her work and do a little keyboard banging of her own. It’s ironic that the people who make these sort of complaints are typically the least productive of the group. Poor Daniel’s probably hammering away at his keyboard trying to pick up the slack Janine leaves behind while she ponders what to complain about next.
Sep 11, 2009 at 11:42 am rating: 11
#31
claw71
People who perform personal hygiene at their desks should be shot. That’s just gross. Nail clipping, flossing, eyebrow plucking, pimple popping, digging ingrown hairs out of your inner thigh with staple removers…it’s all so innappropriate. Come on, people.
Sep 11, 2009 at 11:45 am rating: 9
#32
Anonymous
I type transcript and I have the same problem with a coworker. He BANGS on his keyboard at 150 wpm, to the point where his entire work station shakes furiously. Which is awesome because he likes to hoard groups of empty coffee mugs around his desk that clang together in all the movement.
Management has ordered a silent keyboard, but it hasn’t made a difference. They are now looking into sound proofing his cubicle. The only respite from the noise is when he takes moments throughout the day to read online comics, while twirling a lock of his mullet around his finger…
Sep 11, 2009 at 12:15 pm rating: 7
#33
Loud, Angry Typer
I use a buckling-spring keyboard and it’s loud as shit. If anyone ever asked me to get a new one, I would refuse. I type way faster on a keyboard with tactile and auditory indicators, as opposed to those shallow-keypress ‘quiet’ keyboards.
If it bothers anyone, they can give me my own office and I’ll gladly type with the door closed.
Sep 11, 2009 at 12:34 pm rating: 7
#34
Woman on the Verge
My fake nails add an extra click to my clickety clack typing making me sound extra productive. Am I fooling anyone? Hey, right now they all think I’m working away….
Sep 11, 2009 at 1:48 pm rating: 5
#35
Sarah
One of our discussion topics at our last staff meeting was NO CLIPPING NAILS AT YOUR DESK.
Sep 11, 2009 at 7:48 pm rating: 1
#36
pilgrimchick
What people complain about never ceases to amaze me.
Sep 11, 2009 at 9:53 pm rating: 1
#37
Paul
I’d love to put this woman in the center of a room, tightly surrounded with people LOUDLY typing away at their keyboards, just to see what would happen. >;oD There is a film in there somewhere!
Sep 12, 2009 at 8:14 pm rating: 2
#38
DC
Loud keyboard? Honey, for some LOUD typing, watch “All the President’s Men” (the GOOD version with Redford and Hoffman) — you’ll scramble to turn down the volume. Srsly. But I suspect that she who is annoyed by loud keyboards will also be annoyed by loud breathing and loud writing….
Sep 13, 2009 at 4:11 am rating: 1
#39
aaa
[Official-looking numbers]: Can we get Janine like, fired from this job and permanently banned from ever working with people again? She sucks at social interaction and I’d feel guilty about just loosing her onto the world to be a dick to other coworkers.
Keyboard to be shoved up her ass.
Sep 13, 2009 at 6:06 am rating: 1
#40
Amanda
I can understand this, some people type (and talk) ridiculously loudly. I type very fast and actually had to learn to touch the keys more softly, 1) because it was annoying and 2) my fingers would actually hurt by the end of the day (I type about 95-100 WPM). People who are both slow and loud do my head right in though.
Sep 13, 2009 at 7:51 am rating: 1
#41
Jeff Goldman
silent washable keyboards and mice available at http://www.man-machine.com
Sep 14, 2009 at 8:40 am rating: 1
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