As previously discussed, this hamfisted attempt at wit remains the scourge of retail establishments the world over.
As it turns out, the umpteen-million variations are even more hilariously clever!
For example, while the original version merely confuses a lot of people, this one just seems like a bizarre incentive for child abandonment.
Quickly, however, things start to get very un-p.c. (And also…very creepy.)
This version, in fact, is almost as popular as the original. (Other examples here and here and here and here and here and…is that a machete?)
Child slavery? Now that’s comedy gold. But really, why stop there? Why not “unattended children will be trafficked into child prostitution”? “Unattended children will be sold to pedophiles”? Or anally probed? or…
Hilarious, right?
related: the “your mother doesn’t work here” of the hospitality industry
135 responses so far ↓
#1
Canthz_B
My ancestors were notoriously bad at attending to their children. Many were sold into slavery. But hey, talk about job security…you could do worse by your kids!
Sep 13, 2009 at 5:21 pm rating: 49
#2
Canthz_B
Inattentive children will be ignored.
Sep 13, 2009 at 5:27 pm rating: 25
#3
Canthz_B
Non-use of a condom results in unintended children being shot.
Sep 13, 2009 at 5:36 pm rating: 35
#4
Canthz_B
Unattended children will be sold to Gypsies…some day they’ll come back to fix your roof or bang the dents out of your car in a parking lot.
It’s a heck of a lot cheaper than sending them to trade school. Drop-off point is back by the loading dock.
Sep 13, 2009 at 5:42 pm rating: 64
#5
JetJackson
The problem with these is that they are all slightly over the top to make clear to the reader the writer of the note is bluffing. I think you need to go with something that makes the parent actually question whether or not it would be safe to leave their child alone, such as;
Don’t leave children unattended. Known paedophiles shop in this store.
Simple, but I think much more effective.
Sep 13, 2009 at 5:59 pm rating: 118
#6
Canthz_B
Now we know why circuses suck nowadays.
The gypsies and slavers are getting all the talent!
Sep 13, 2009 at 6:10 pm rating: 18
#7
AuntyBron
There’s one in the shop I frequent that says “Unattended children will be given chocolate and a free kitten”
The shopkeepers say that children turn to their parents and tell them to leave so they can get a kitten. They also have adults who want to know if they qualify for the kitten… or chocolate.
Sep 13, 2009 at 6:13 pm rating: 21
#8
T imo®
Don’t ever throw unattended children in the dumpster. Freegans will then find them and raise them. You don’t want to be responsible for another generation of slack jawed dirty hippy bum hobos do you?
Sep 13, 2009 at 6:19 pm rating: 122
#9
hellocello
The second to last one should read”Unattended children will be served to dogs”
Anyone want to take a stab at an “Unattended Child” verse to “A Little Priest”?
Sep 13, 2009 at 6:27 pm rating: 4
#10
kibbles
Oh man. If I open a business the sign will say
“What unattended children?”
Sep 13, 2009 at 6:32 pm rating: 64
#11
crankymate
I see nothing wrong with these signs. If I owned a store, I’d disallow all children entry, even with their parents. Tie them out front with the dogs.
Sep 13, 2009 at 6:45 pm rating: 55
#12
TheOldSchool
If we could only just get everyone to agree to stop having heterosexual sex, these signs could be eventually phased out.
Sep 13, 2009 at 6:57 pm rating: 72
#13
katieMB
Having worked in environments where parents have allowed their children to run amok, I appreciate the intent of the signs. What I don’t appreciate is that no one has ever followed through on the threat… errr… policy.
Sep 13, 2009 at 7:11 pm rating: 39
#14
Act
I never understand these signs. What would be accomplished by giving a child coffee and a puppy? A caffeine addiction? What is the sign trying to say? It’s like grammatically correct gibberish. The “will sell” ones make some more sense, but those “will receive something they would probably want” signs make me wonder if the storeowner is serious or not.
Sep 13, 2009 at 7:27 pm rating: 3
#15
The Great Joe Bivins
I’m planning to start a business (for seriously) and I think the sign I put up will say “Unattended children will be allowed to wander into traffic. Seriously, I won’t even look up.” Which is true, I’m no good with kids.
Sep 13, 2009 at 8:58 pm rating: 68
#16
seamus
Could the thank you on the last note be any smaller?
Sep 13, 2009 at 9:23 pm rating: 1
#17
Geek Goddess
Unattended children will be . . . unattended.
Sep 13, 2009 at 9:24 pm rating: 18
#18
Liana
Would you rather have them put the truth? Where I worked (at a mall, more than a decade ago) the sign would have read:
“Unattended children will be promptly delivered to the security office, where the police will be called and a page will be made for you over the mall-wide public-address system. A second offense will result in you and your offspring being banned from the mall. Have a great day.”
Sep 13, 2009 at 9:38 pm rating: 55
#19
Maggie
I remember hearding about at a hotel which said something along the lines of “Unattended children will be arrested and handed over to CPS”.
(CPS – Child Protection Services)
Sep 13, 2009 at 9:43 pm rating: 35
#20
Marrock
Back at a job I had longer ago than I’d care to soberly remember, we had a sign like these but it said simply “Unattended children will be turned over to the police”.
Never had any problems with the little monsters.
Sep 13, 2009 at 10:42 pm rating: 21
#21
Thanks!
What are these children doing that are making these storeowners so insane. They are getting creative! Slavery, sausage, dumpsters, hooks and torture. Those are some badass kids!
I have threatened to sell my kids to the gypsies, though. They don’t like that idea and the attitude changes.
Sep 13, 2009 at 11:19 pm rating: 5
#22
bowloftoast
Each of these signs should be accompanied by one of these when read.
Sep 13, 2009 at 11:21 pm rating: 4
#23
Amanda
I like these actually.. I don’t really care for kids, but more importantly, parents these days are SO bad about letting their children run wild in public and basically ignoring them to do their own thing. If you want to go out to eat, shop, exercise, etc without being interrupted looking after your precious little spawn, find a freakin’ babysitter! The world is not your day-care!
/end rant
Sep 14, 2009 at 6:17 am rating: 28
#24
GhostWriter
If only the gypsy child had been provided Super-vision, he might have grown up to be Scott Summers.
Sep 14, 2009 at 7:54 am rating: 3
#25
GhostWriter
I’m putting my kids on a leash- the last thing thing they need is a big serving of ass sausage; just imagine what the minivan would smell like the whole ride home.
Sep 14, 2009 at 7:57 am rating: 2
#26
Wordtinker doesnt smith
Attended or not, I regularly offer to take obnoxious children home with me and feed them to my 9, 6, and 4 pound dogs. The kids love the idea – until I explain how long it will take for dogs that small to eat them – and that they’ll be alive while it happens. Works everytime – Ma and Pa white-knuckle the little cretins through the rest of their shopping trip/ dining experience, etc. and the rest of us get left alone to enjoy our day.
Sep 14, 2009 at 8:18 am rating: 17
#27
Liz
I agree totally! I worked in the Childrens Department of a bookstore for 2 1/2 years. It was insane.
Sep 14, 2009 at 8:47 am rating: 2
#28
lunafaer
i actually find these amusing…
there is absolutely nothing worse than some parent who is letting their little demon spawn wreak havoc upon a retail establishment, doctor’s office, restaurant, etc.
grr.
Sep 14, 2009 at 10:16 am rating: 4
#29
PK
Hey, I’m laughing, and pretty hard too. Laughing pretty hard.
Sep 14, 2009 at 10:23 am rating: 2
#30
Lawana
I was a manager at a Sears store that needed a sign like these. Seriously, people would just let their kids run wild while they shopped. They apparently thought that treadmills & tractors were there for the kids, not to, you know, actually sell. When I worked at a library, we had parents freak out on us for ‘losing’ their kid, who they just dropped off. We weren’t an effing daycare. Working at both of those places made me a firm believer in an offspring license…you should have to apply to have kids.
Sep 14, 2009 at 10:25 am rating: 22
#31
eyehearta2
Well, at least most of the pictures were new…..and it HAS only been two years…..and some of the comments were new…..
Now, can we get a repost of the “fucking delicious” sign, we haven’t heard about that in awhile either.
Sep 14, 2009 at 10:40 am rating: 4
#32
T imo®
Ahora comenzará a enviar a nuestros hijos sin supervisión a Honduras o Ciudad de México para ser utilizados como sacrificios en el volcán.
Sep 14, 2009 at 10:54 am rating: 6
#33
bored
Unattended kids will be used as props for rifle shooting practice.
Sep 14, 2009 at 11:09 am rating: 9
#34
bored
Unattended kids will be used for cosmetics/new drugs side effects testing. I bet Peta won’t oppose that
Sep 14, 2009 at 11:11 am rating: 17
#35
The Grammarphile
Oooh, the gypsies… When I was little, my parents frequently threatened to sell me to the gypsies if I behaved badly. They felt really bad about these threats when they finally realized I actually believed them…
Sep 14, 2009 at 1:39 pm rating: 6
#36
Jillian C. York
Uh, hilarious AND deserved. Who wants kids running around unattended?
Sep 14, 2009 at 2:22 pm rating: 2
#37
machinegirl
my face while reading this:
|:
\:<
):
O:
D:
DD:
DDD:
Sep 14, 2009 at 2:43 pm rating: 1
#38
The Real Meh, The Great Meh, The Blue Meh
If you watch Return of the Jedi again and look closely, there’s a sign in Jabba’s palace that says “Spasteelia a bunkadunka boonowa tweepi keel-ee caleya ku kah rancor.” Of course, this means “Unattended children will be forced to battle the rancor.”
Sep 14, 2009 at 2:50 pm rating: 22
#39
The Real Meh, The Great Meh, The Blue Meh
T imo, no olvides a Colombia donde serán utilizados como mulas de drogas.
Sep 14, 2009 at 3:02 pm rating: 4
#40
T imo®
OH real,Great and Blue Meh!
Este fue el primer trabajo de Perez Hilton. Realmente disfrutó de su trabajo, mucho!
Sep 14, 2009 at 3:47 pm rating: 1
#41
Asha
Having worked at different resorts over the years, I would love to punish parents who drop their kids and then expect employees to provide care free of charge. Admittedly, grinding the kids up for sausage would be doing their parents a favour.
Sep 14, 2009 at 6:57 pm rating: 6
#42
scamps
Since I’m a sick, twisted person that never wants to have children, therefore making me not a “real woman” in the eyes of society, I think that all but the last one were hilarious!
Sep 14, 2009 at 10:16 pm rating: 10
#43
Julie
I saw the first pic (espresso & free puppy) in an email more than ten years ago.
Sep 15, 2009 at 12:07 am rating: 0
#44
Brade
Actually, those ARE making me laugh, I have to admit…
Sep 15, 2009 at 7:45 am rating: 0
#45
DebR
I don’t like kids, I think they’re all funny.
Sep 15, 2009 at 12:10 pm rating: 4
#46
Avi32
Well, I’m a happy father of four kids under the age of 7, and I thought these signs were hilarious. When I go out with my kids, I work hard to keep them in line so that I, my wife, the kids, and innocent bystanders can all have a good time. And all parents should do the same.
All the signs are there for is to remind parents of that, even if the variety of humour used is not to everyone’s taste.
And I can hardly imagine a more horrific threat than my child being given coffee and a dog.
Sep 16, 2009 at 4:17 am rating: 12
#47
JoeyGirl
yes! finally people are attacking the parents of these damn children.
Sep 17, 2009 at 12:30 am rating: 2
#48
Donna
Unattended children are the result of uncomdomed sausages!
Sep 17, 2009 at 9:07 pm rating: 2
#49
Kyle Weiss
“Children left unattended will become VERY, VERY LATE TERM ABORTIONS?”
Too harsh? “…Sold To Molesters?”
“Made To Lay Eggs?”
I don’t know. I don’t have any fucking kids.
KW
Sep 18, 2009 at 2:32 pm rating: 11
#50
Ruth
Pretty much all unfunny. I don’t care how liberated you are and how much you just loathe children and how smug you are about people who don’t “understand” this humor. There’s nothing to understand. It’s juvenile.
If anyone is to blame for unattended children, it’s the parents. So these are not only unfunny but misplaced.
Sep 18, 2009 at 9:17 pm rating: 2
#51
park rose
dis-so theseless anti-are not con-only unfunny im-but misplaced.
Just thought I’d liberate a few more negative prefixes (and one suffix) for you, Ruth.
No, no. No need to thank me.
You’d suggest the correct placement of these signs is nailed to the foreheads of errant and inattentive parents then? I think a fair few of the respondents in the comments would and have agreed with you, even before you set key to comment.
Sep 18, 2009 at 11:07 pm rating: 7
#52
GazKmite
I like the idea of selling them
That way the business turns a profit for catching the children
Sep 20, 2009 at 12:19 am rating: 3
#53
D
No one amongst you were ever children? Impossible to believe. Also impossible to believe is the idea that as a child you were all perfectly behaved in a public place. I’m glad you all survived to adulthood, but perhaps you all need a good dose of reality. Life as we know it would not continue if people stopped having those irritating children.
Sep 26, 2009 at 11:32 pm rating: 2
#54
Mrs. Lucky
My favorites comments are the ones made by people without kids about how to keep kids in line. Hilarious!
It’s like people who have never driven a car, teaching drivers ed. Oh the absurd is the most delicious of the humors.
PS: I have a seven year old who has never been hit nor made to believe he would be and he’s very well behaved in public….. I guess I’m just Mrs. Lucky~
Oct 2, 2009 at 6:40 pm rating: 4
#55
Pedro Suave
What’s really funny is that just below this post was an advertisement for Child Fund: “Sponsor A Child” with a free kitteh and a shot of espresso!
Oct 5, 2009 at 12:02 am rating: 1
#56
Kitschensyngk
Interesting.
I found one in a shop at my local Renaissance Festival which said
Unattended children will be given a free pony.*
*Carnivorous.
Oct 8, 2009 at 11:57 pm rating: 19
#57 Unattended children will be given espresso and a free puppy | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com
[...] Unattended children will be shot [...]
Jul 26, 2010 at 9:42 pm rating: 1
#58 Sure, blame it on the kids | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com
[...] Unattended children will be shot. [...]
Apr 24, 2011 at 9:32 pm rating: 0
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