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Unattended children will be shot.

September 13th, 2009 · 135 comments

As previously discussed, this hamfisted attempt at wit remains the scourge of retail establishments the world over.

at least it doesn't say "expresso"

As it turns out, the umpteen-million variations are even more hilariously clever!

For example, while the original version merely confuses a lot of people, this one just seems like a bizarre incentive for child abandonment.

Children left unattended will receive a free kitten

Quickly, however, things start to get very un-p.c. (And also…very creepy.)

Unattended children will be sold to Gypsies

This version, in fact, is almost as popular as the original. (Other examples here and here and here and here and here and…is that a machete?)

Unattended children will be sold as slaves

Child slavery? Now that’s comedy gold. But really, why stop there? Why not “unattended children will be trafficked into child prostitution”? “Unattended children will be sold to pedophiles”? Or anally probed? or…

Unattended children will be placed on hooks (and tortured)

unattended children will be served as sausage

All unattended children will be thrown in the dumpster

Hilarious, right?

related: the “your mother doesn’t work here” of the hospitality industry

FILED UNDER: kids · kinda creepy · most popular notes of 2009 · oh no you didn't · retail hell

135 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Canthz_B bang

    My ancestors were notoriously bad at attending to their children. Many were sold into slavery. But hey, talk about job security…you could do worse by your kids!

    Sep 13, 2009 at 5:21 pm   rating: 50  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Wanda

      My father is constantly threatening to sell my brother to the Ishmaelites. Only after I started high school did I realize that not all parents do this….

      Nov 13, 2009 at 10:11 pm   rating: 51  small thumbs up

  • #2   Canthz_B bang

    Inattentive children will be ignored.

    Sep 13, 2009 at 5:27 pm   rating: 25  small thumbs up

  • #3   Canthz_B bang

    Non-use of a condom results in unintended children being shot.

    Sep 13, 2009 at 5:36 pm   rating: 35  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   mamason bang

      Non-use of condoms results in unintended children being thrown in dumpsters.

      Sep 14, 2009 at 7:44 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

  • #4   Canthz_B bang

    Unattended children will be sold to Gypsies…some day they’ll come back to fix your roof or bang the dents out of your car in a parking lot.
    It’s a heck of a lot cheaper than sending them to trade school. Drop-off point is back by the loading dock.

    Sep 13, 2009 at 5:42 pm   rating: 64  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   GK bang

      Pick a joke and stick to it, Canthz_B! Spreading yourself thin over the first four posts like this is insufficiently leveraging your self-actualisation.

      Sep 14, 2009 at 3:15 am   rating: 62  small thumbs up

    • #4.2   Woman on the Verge bang

      I’m terribly concerned about those unsupervised Gypsies. Who knows what the children will do to them?

      Sep 14, 2009 at 8:33 am   rating: 63  small thumbs up

    • #4.3   lawl

      They’ll come back to pave your driveway

      Oct 11, 2009 at 9:15 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #5   JetJackson

    The problem with these is that they are all slightly over the top to make clear to the reader the writer of the note is bluffing. I think you need to go with something that makes the parent actually question whether or not it would be safe to leave their child alone, such as;

    Don’t leave children unattended. Known paedophiles shop in this store.

    Simple, but I think much more effective.

    Sep 13, 2009 at 5:59 pm   rating: 118  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   comment

      They try to be over the top in an effort to be funny. They fall far short. The pedophile line though made me laugh. Maybe it’s not the signs but my humor that is broken…

      Sep 13, 2009 at 6:13 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #5.2   Canthz_B bang

      Unattended children will be given firearms might do the trick as well.

      “Do you really want me to eat those Brussels sprouts, Mom?”

      Sep 13, 2009 at 6:20 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #5.3   aaa bang

      People that have to try to be funny usually aren’t.

      Sep 14, 2009 at 8:52 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #5.4   bbb

      Then why do you keep trying?

      Sep 22, 2009 at 1:20 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

  • #6   Canthz_B bang

    Now we know why circuses suck nowadays.

    The gypsies and slavers are getting all the talent!

    Sep 13, 2009 at 6:10 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

  • #7   AuntyBron

    There’s one in the shop I frequent that says “Unattended children will be given chocolate and a free kitten”

    The shopkeepers say that children turn to their parents and tell them to leave so they can get a kitten. They also have adults who want to know if they qualify for the kitten… or chocolate.

    Sep 13, 2009 at 6:13 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

  • #8   T imo®

    Don’t ever throw unattended children in the dumpster. Freegans will then find them and raise them. You don’t want to be responsible for another generation of slack jawed dirty hippy bum hobos do you?

    Sep 13, 2009 at 6:19 pm   rating: 122  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Canthz_B bang

      No, but the donated book dumpster at the supermarket sure beats the public school system.
      Do your kids a favor and gain your freedom at the same time.

      Sep 13, 2009 at 6:24 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

    • #8.2   zombieBlanco bang

      “You don’t want to be responsible for another generation of slack jawed dirty hippy bum hobos do you?”

      Shit, T imo®, you couldn’t have given me this advice twentyfive years ago?

      Sep 13, 2009 at 11:36 pm   rating: 23  small thumbs up

    • #8.3   Canthz_B bang

      zB, think what your child will be in 25 more years…oh, er, um, sorry for that image.
      But, I have one who will be sure to be fast friends of yours! :lol:

      Sep 14, 2009 at 12:02 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #9   hellocello

    The second to last one should read”Unattended children will be served to dogs”

    Anyone want to take a stab at an “Unattended Child” verse to “A Little Priest”?

    Sep 13, 2009 at 6:27 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #10   kibbles

    Oh man. If I open a business the sign will say

    “What unattended children?”

    Sep 13, 2009 at 6:32 pm   rating: 64  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   wright

      kibbles for the win!

      Sep 14, 2009 at 2:59 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #11   crankymate

    I see nothing wrong with these signs. If I owned a store, I’d disallow all children entry, even with their parents. Tie them out front with the dogs.

    Sep 13, 2009 at 6:45 pm   rating: 55  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   TheOldSchool

      Why punish the dogs?

      Sep 13, 2009 at 7:50 pm   rating: 86  small thumbs up

  • #12   TheOldSchool

    If we could only just get everyone to agree to stop having heterosexual sex, these signs could be eventually phased out.

    Sep 13, 2009 at 6:57 pm   rating: 72  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   Clarissa

      You know… I think you’re on to something there…

      Sep 13, 2009 at 7:18 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #12.2   park rose

      I dunno. I hear that those IVF kids tearing about on caffeine highs bring a whole new meaning to the phrases ‘sticky fingers’ and ‘inattentive’.

      Sep 13, 2009 at 8:08 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #13   katieMB

    Having worked in environments where parents have allowed their children to run amok, I appreciate the intent of the signs. What I don’t appreciate is that no one has ever followed through on the threat… errr… policy.

    Sep 13, 2009 at 7:11 pm   rating: 39  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   Neeners

      The children aren’t to blame really, it’s their ignorant parents for not teaching them manners, respect of other people and property, and/or proper store or restaurant ‘etiquette’. I think it is the parents who need to be hung on hooks or sold to the gypsies not the children. But hey they let anyone have a kid these days if they have the plumbing, even if they are missing the common sense or in some cases a brain.

      Sep 14, 2009 at 12:46 pm   rating: 29  small thumbs up

    • #13.2   Sirius¤ bang

      And then those same ignorant parents let their kids trample all over Neeners’ lawn!

      Sep 14, 2009 at 3:38 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #13.3   KatieMB

      Oh yeah, it’s definitely “Lazy Parenting Syndrome” or “I Just Can’t Say No to My Kid Complex” or “My Kid Needs to Be Free to Express Himself Philosophy” etc that’s going on, no doubt. The only reason I’d like to see the kids get punished is to help the parents see the fault of their ways, but I doubt that the parents would ever “get it” any more than any store owner would sell the stray kids to slavery.

      Sep 14, 2009 at 5:36 pm   rating: 23  small thumbs up

    • #13.4   park rose

      Hey, Sirius¤ !

      Sep 14, 2009 at 7:58 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #13.5   Bunnee

      Kudos, Katie. For those of us who actually discipline our kids and teach them to have manners, I say huzzah! (besides, we hate those families as much as single people hate them.)

      Sep 15, 2009 at 9:35 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #13.6   KatieMB

      ^5, Bunnee! You and your kids are welcome in my pharmacy anytime! ;)

      It’s sad that well-behaved kids have seemingly become such a rarity that we are suprised when we witness good behavior. But those kids definitely exist, and they’re a pleasure to interact with.

      Sep 16, 2009 at 5:37 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #13.7   Droobie08

      Im 19 now, but when i was about 14 i volunteered at a hospital gift shop. I volunteered there for 5 years every other Saturday, and every one that came through couldn’t believe how polite i was and that i volunteered. They weren’t used to see such a young kid volunteering.

      Oct 10, 2009 at 1:32 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

  • #14   Act

    I never understand these signs. What would be accomplished by giving a child coffee and a puppy? A caffeine addiction? What is the sign trying to say? It’s like grammatically correct gibberish. The “will sell” ones make some more sense, but those “will receive something they would probably want” signs make me wonder if the storeowner is serious or not.

    Sep 13, 2009 at 7:27 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Alex

      Just curious, have you eve seen a hyper child?

      Sep 13, 2009 at 7:53 pm   rating: 43  small thumbs up

    • #14.2   Danielle

      Exactly, Alex. Now those unattentive parents have hellions to deal with. Their kids are on a ridiculous caffeine high, and they have a puppy which is really hard to take away from a kid once they have it. Meaning they have something else to take care of. Not that any of it matters, I highly doubt this will actually occur at any establishment. I actually don’t understand why people don’t understand these signs (no offense meant toward you). I think their hilarious.

      Sep 13, 2009 at 7:58 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #14.3   park rose

      Divine or retail retribution.

      You leave your kids, we give them something to make them bounce off the ceiling when you come back to pick them up. You have to put up with them for the rest of the night, we do not.

      Who ends up looking after the puppy the kids wanted but the parents did not? The parents who would leave kids unattended in a store, that’s who…

      Hope my Spark Notes help there.

      Sep 13, 2009 at 8:00 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #14.4   Act

      No, I get that. Caffeine makes kids hard to deal with and pets are a lot of work. It’s just so mind-numbingly stupid. And I can see kids going, “But the sign said I’d get a puppy!”

      Sep 14, 2009 at 8:49 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #14.5   MAMARILLA2 bang

      The biggest point that everyone is still missing, Inattentive parents will always be inattentive parents…If you jack thier kid up with caffine, sugar and puppy wiggles, they will only take this hype-demon down to some other poor soul to watch for them. I personally do not want to be that person…It’s been done to me and I didn’t like it.

      Sep 14, 2009 at 9:15 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #14.6   Canthz_B bang

      Driving is so much easier than parenting. Why do you need to pass a written test for the former while any loser can engage in the latter?

      Sep 14, 2009 at 7:39 pm   rating: 29  small thumbs up

  • #15   The Great Joe Bivins

    I’m planning to start a business (for seriously) and I think the sign I put up will say “Unattended children will be allowed to wander into traffic. Seriously, I won’t even look up.” Which is true, I’m no good with kids.

    Sep 13, 2009 at 8:58 pm   rating: 68  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   Clarissa

      “Unattended children… You must really trust your kid, right?”

      Sep 13, 2009 at 9:38 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #16   seamus

    Could the thank you on the last note be any smaller?

    Sep 13, 2009 at 9:23 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #17   Geek Goddess

    Unattended children will be . . . unattended.

    Sep 13, 2009 at 9:24 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

  • #18   Liana

    Would you rather have them put the truth? Where I worked (at a mall, more than a decade ago) the sign would have read:

    “Unattended children will be promptly delivered to the security office, where the police will be called and a page will be made for you over the mall-wide public-address system. A second offense will result in you and your offspring being banned from the mall. Have a great day.”

    Sep 13, 2009 at 9:38 pm   rating: 56  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   notolaf

      The only problem with that sign is that you would have to be literate to read it.

      Sep 13, 2009 at 10:45 pm   rating: 25  small thumbs up

  • #19   Maggie

    I remember hearding about at a hotel which said something along the lines of “Unattended children will be arrested and handed over to CPS”.
    (CPS – Child Protection Services)

    Sep 13, 2009 at 9:43 pm   rating: 36  small thumbs up

  • #20   Marrock

    Back at a job I had longer ago than I’d care to soberly remember, we had a sign like these but it said simply “Unattended children will be turned over to the police”.

    Never had any problems with the little monsters.

    Sep 13, 2009 at 10:42 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

  • #21   Thanks!

    What are these children doing that are making these storeowners so insane. They are getting creative! Slavery, sausage, dumpsters, hooks and torture. Those are some badass kids!

    I have threatened to sell my kids to the gypsies, though. They don’t like that idea and the attitude changes.

    Sep 13, 2009 at 11:19 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   KatieMB

      The list is long and ugly as to what these children are doing. Shopping cart racing around a corner, bashing head first into unsuspecting customers is a laugh riot. Tossing stock over the shelves is a fun game that occupies their time while Mom is looking at the latest anti-aging cream. I could go on, but I’m still cleaning the bathroom, which was the latest war zone, including toilets overflowing, soap dispensers drained and a water fight.

      Whining and crying at the top of their lungs is almost welcome compared to the mess they leave in aisle 7.

      Sep 14, 2009 at 6:02 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #21.2   Car RamRod

      Well, if one has failed to instill some manners and discipline into a child by the time they’re running around stores causing wanton havok, it’s time to bring back the age-honored tradition of a good whack upside the head.

      Sep 14, 2009 at 7:49 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

    • #21.3   park rose

      Worked with Charles Manson.

      Sep 14, 2009 at 7:55 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #21.4   park rose

      Ooh, I’m all for some wanton havoc, too.
      Who’s around?
      TOS? Timo? ‘Glo? ‘Rilla? Mama? Cb?
      Anyone I haven’t mentioned?

      Sep 14, 2009 at 8:02 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #21.5   Canthz_B bang

      You never have to hit a child, but you’d damn sure better make them believe you will.

      Then all you need is “The Look” to keep them in line.

      Sep 14, 2009 at 8:06 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #21.6   Clumber

      .. and the threat of “Do I have to (gasp!) stop this car ??!!

      Really, that’s all my dad ever needed. To this day (am 41) i have no idea what would have happened… but I bet it would be something along the lines of the most feared… “I am disappointed in you.”

      (runs away crying at the memory)

      Hell, I still fear disappointing him… I’d much rather he beat the shit out of me with a switch.

      Sep 15, 2009 at 2:01 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #21.7   Canthz_B bang

      My mom didn’t drive until I was in my mid-twenties, but she often threatened to “Brain” one of us.
      I was never quite sure what that was, but knew it didn’t sound like my brain would be in my skull afterward.

      Sep 15, 2009 at 7:40 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #21.8   MAMARILLA2 bang

      The problem with the “Threat” of violence inflicted on the glutes or skull of a minor child is that they now know that it is only that…A harmless verbal release…Gone are the days when simply saying “wait until your father gets home” will work to stay unruly behavior…The modren child is all too aware that if a parent really follows through with the Threat, that “loving ” child that you just bought a huge game system for, will be on the phone to CPS and have your happy ass in a sling for the next century…

      Sep 15, 2009 at 7:58 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #21.9   Canthz_B bang

      I thought of that ‘Rilla, that’s why I used to make them watch documentaries about the sorry state of foster care.
      It wasn’t a hard choice between mom and dad and “The System”.

      I think my oldest step-son was about to say he was calling the authorities once, I asked, but he couldn’t remember after my ex-wife was done with him!

      Sep 16, 2009 at 9:54 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #21.10   Droobie08

      My mom never hit me when i was a kid, but now with the grandchildren when they act up she taps them on the butt and puts them in timeout she calls it an “Attention Getter”.

      Oct 11, 2009 at 3:55 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #22   bowloftoast bang

    Each of these signs should be accompanied by one of these when read.

    Sep 13, 2009 at 11:21 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #23   Amanda

    I like these actually.. I don’t really care for kids, but more importantly, parents these days are SO bad about letting their children run wild in public and basically ignoring them to do their own thing. If you want to go out to eat, shop, exercise, etc without being interrupted looking after your precious little spawn, find a freakin’ babysitter! The world is not your day-care!
    /end rant

    Sep 14, 2009 at 6:17 am   rating: 28  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   creamy

      And you never ran around causing havoc as a kid?

      Peaceful as it would be to tuck kids away in day care centres and schools – I think kids should be allowed to be out in the world more.

      When I was in my most obnoxious and antisocial years I was given free reign of the neighbourhood until the street lights came on.

      The fact is that now kids are so heavily supervised and cloistered, it’s no surprise they’re going bat shit on the treadmill when their parents lower their vigilance for a moment.

      Sep 15, 2009 at 5:57 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

  • #24   GhostWriter bang

    If only the gypsy child had been provided Super-vision, he might have grown up to be Scott Summers.

    Sep 14, 2009 at 7:54 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #25   GhostWriter bang

    I’m putting my kids on a leash- the last thing thing they need is a big serving of ass sausage; just imagine what the minivan would smell like the whole ride home.

    Sep 14, 2009 at 7:57 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #26   Wordtinker doesnt smith bang

    Attended or not, I regularly offer to take obnoxious children home with me and feed them to my 9, 6, and 4 pound dogs. The kids love the idea – until I explain how long it will take for dogs that small to eat them – and that they’ll be alive while it happens. Works everytime – Ma and Pa white-knuckle the little cretins through the rest of their shopping trip/ dining experience, etc. and the rest of us get left alone to enjoy our day.

    Sep 14, 2009 at 8:18 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   park rose bang

      You better watch out, tinks. I think that Hansel’s got a knack for getting witches to climb into their own ovens, though it might be Gretel who’s got the mad skillz in this area. Which one decided to leave a trail of breadcrumbs? Not that one.

      Sep 14, 2009 at 8:36 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #27   Liz

    I agree totally! I worked in the Childrens Department of a bookstore for 2 1/2 years. It was insane.

    Sep 14, 2009 at 8:47 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #28   lunafaer

    i actually find these amusing…
    there is absolutely nothing worse than some parent who is letting their little demon spawn wreak havoc upon a retail establishment, doctor’s office, restaurant, etc.

    Sep 14, 2009 at 10:16 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #29   PK

    Hey, I’m laughing, and pretty hard too. Laughing pretty hard.

    Sep 14, 2009 at 10:23 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #29.1   TheOldSchool

      Hey, I’m hard, and laughingly pretty, too. But, pretty soon, I’ll hardly be laughing.

      Sep 14, 2009 at 12:27 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #29.2   park rose

      I was going to call you in and ask your expert opinion on the comment above yours, TOS, but then I realised there was no need to request the inevitable. Duly thumbed (and she liked it) ;)

      Sep 14, 2009 at 8:04 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #30   Lawana

    I was a manager at a Sears store that needed a sign like these. Seriously, people would just let their kids run wild while they shopped. They apparently thought that treadmills & tractors were there for the kids, not to, you know, actually sell. When I worked at a library, we had parents freak out on us for ‘losing’ their kid, who they just dropped off. We weren’t an effing daycare. Working at both of those places made me a firm believer in an offspring license…you should have to apply to have kids.

    Sep 14, 2009 at 10:25 am   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #30.1   park rose bang

      Just a minors point, but I’m glad to hear that Sears’ employment policy is in alignment with federal and universal child labor laws.

      Sep 14, 2009 at 10:40 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #30.2   Neeners

      You live in Utah right?

      Sep 14, 2009 at 12:53 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #30.3   Car RamRod

      Maybe the kids forgot to wear their magic underpants and satan possessed their minds in your store.

      Sep 14, 2009 at 7:51 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #31   eyehearta2

    Well, at least most of the pictures were new…..and it HAS only been two years…..and some of the comments were new…..

    Now, can we get a repost of the “fucking delicious” sign, we haven’t heard about that in awhile either.

    Sep 14, 2009 at 10:40 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #31.1   park rose bang

      How long have you been waiting to post that fucking delicious comment, eyehearta2?

      Sep 14, 2009 at 10:48 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #31.2   eyehearta2

      Actually, I surprised myself with it. I was thinking “what is the 2nd most tired re-tread” in this blog. Children, will be sold etc., was in first place. This is what I came up with. Purely subjective of course. “Children will be sold” may be in second place, with “fucking delicious” being in first. I’m not sure of the exact order.

      Either way, there is a shark around here we must have jumped when I wasn’t looking.

      Sep 14, 2009 at 1:59 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #31.3   mamason bang

      Your unattended children were fucking delicious!

      Sep 14, 2009 at 7:39 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #31.4   Bunnee

      I’ve been coming here for at least a year, and I’ve never seen these types of signs. Of course, my short term memory sucks due to, um, several different things. But I stand by my statement! It’s new to me, at least.

      Sep 15, 2009 at 9:46 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #32   T imo® bang

    Ahora comenzará a enviar a nuestros hijos sin supervisión a Honduras o Ciudad de México para ser utilizados como sacrificios en el volcán.

    Sep 14, 2009 at 10:54 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #33   bored

    Unattended kids will be used as props for rifle shooting practice.

    Sep 14, 2009 at 11:09 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #33.1   GhostWriter bang

      Unattended children will think everything is all fun and games until they are suddenly gripped by an unshakable fear that they are very, very alone.

      Sep 14, 2009 at 4:14 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #33.2   GhostWriter bang

      Unattended children will locate your secret stash.

      Sep 14, 2009 at 4:17 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #33.3   GhostWriter bang

      Unattended children will be forced to don Revolutionary War costumes and hold a placard stating, “Keep Your Hippie Hands off My Grampy’s Medicare!

      Sep 14, 2009 at 4:22 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #33.4   GhostWriter bang

      Unattended children will always have the best tree forts.

      Sep 14, 2009 at 4:23 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #33.5   seeeeeesh

      Unattended children will be tricked into eating Brussels sprouts.

      Sep 14, 2009 at 4:23 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #33.6   GhostWriter bang

      Unattended children will be held responsible for the misguided actions of a previous Administration.

      Sep 14, 2009 at 4:26 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #33.7   seeeeeesh

      Unattended children will be held responsible for global warming, increase in crime and general unpleasantness.
      oh! That is actually true.

      Sep 14, 2009 at 4:29 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #33.8   Canthz_B bang

      Unattended children will receive yellow Sno-cones.

      Sep 14, 2009 at 7:46 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #33.9   TheOldSchool

      But what about unintended children?

      Sep 14, 2009 at 8:59 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #33.10   TheOldSchool

      Oops. I didn’t come prematurely enough.

      CB had already slipped his unintended in before me. I should have known this wasn’t virgin territory.

      Sorry for being so sloppy.

      Sep 14, 2009 at 9:27 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #33.11   Bunnee

      GW, I use your comment 33.1 as a tactic for getting my child to stick by my side in stores and public places. It’s otherwise known as the “stranger is gonna’ getcha” parenting technique.

      Sep 15, 2009 at 9:50 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #34   bored

    Unattended kids will be used for cosmetics/new drugs side effects testing. I bet Peta won’t oppose that

    Sep 14, 2009 at 11:11 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #34.1   Canaduck

      Yeah, yeah, we get it. And gay rights activists actually hate straight people. Har har.

      Sep 14, 2009 at 3:46 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #34.2   Sirius¤ bang

      Don’t get your feathers ruffled, Canaduck; I’m pretty sure the reference is to Proprietors Enslaving Troublesome Adolescents

      Sep 14, 2009 at 4:09 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #34.3   Canthz_B bang

      People Eager To Attack.

      Sep 14, 2009 at 7:27 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #34.4   park rose

      Pointed Eggheaded Tyrannized Assistants.

      Sep 14, 2009 at 8:09 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #35   The Grammarphile

    Oooh, the gypsies… When I was little, my parents frequently threatened to sell me to the gypsies if I behaved badly. They felt really bad about these threats when they finally realized I actually believed them…

    Sep 14, 2009 at 1:39 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #36   Jillian C. York

    Uh, hilarious AND deserved. Who wants kids running around unattended?

    Sep 14, 2009 at 2:22 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #37   machinegirl

    my face while reading this:

    Sep 14, 2009 at 2:43 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #38   The Real Meh, The Great Meh, The Blue Meh

    If you watch Return of the Jedi again and look closely, there’s a sign in Jabba’s palace that says “Spasteelia a bunkadunka boonowa tweepi keel-ee caleya ku kah rancor.” Of course, this means “Unattended children will be forced to battle the rancor.”

    Sep 14, 2009 at 2:50 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #38.1   MAMARILLA2 bang

      His high exaltedness, the Great Jabba the Hutt, has decreed that you are to be terminated immediately.

      You will therefore be taken to the Dune Sea, and cast into the pit of Carkoon, the nesting place of the all-powerful Sarlaac.

      In his belly you will find a new definition of pain and suffering as you are slowly digested over a thousand years.

      And you will be given an esspresso and a puppy.

      Sep 14, 2009 at 3:21 pm   rating: 25  small thumbs up

  • #39   The Real Meh, The Great Meh, The Blue Meh

    T imo, no olvides a Colombia donde serán utilizados como mulas de drogas.

    Sep 14, 2009 at 3:02 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #40   T imo®

    OH real,Great and Blue Meh!

    Este fue el primer trabajo de Perez Hilton. Realmente disfrutó de su trabajo, mucho!

    Sep 14, 2009 at 3:47 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #41   Asha

    Having worked at different resorts over the years, I would love to punish parents who drop their kids and then expect employees to provide care free of charge. Admittedly, grinding the kids up for sausage would be doing their parents a favour.

    Sep 14, 2009 at 6:57 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #42   scamps

    Since I’m a sick, twisted person that never wants to have children, therefore making me not a “real woman” in the eyes of society, I think that all but the last one were hilarious!

    Sep 14, 2009 at 10:16 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #42.1   GK bang

      Kinda disappointed in that “babyfree” rant. The martyr complex is there in full bloom, but I’m just not feeling the bile enough. Pretty passive-aggressive though, so points for placement, I guess.

      Sep 15, 2009 at 2:48 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

  • #43   Julie

    I saw the first pic (espresso & free puppy) in an email more than ten years ago.

    Sep 15, 2009 at 12:07 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #44   Brade

    Actually, those ARE making me laugh, I have to admit…

    Sep 15, 2009 at 7:45 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #45   DebR

    I don’t like kids, I think they’re all funny.

    Sep 15, 2009 at 12:10 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #46   Avi32

    Well, I’m a happy father of four kids under the age of 7, and I thought these signs were hilarious. When I go out with my kids, I work hard to keep them in line so that I, my wife, the kids, and innocent bystanders can all have a good time. And all parents should do the same.

    All the signs are there for is to remind parents of that, even if the variety of humour used is not to everyone’s taste.

    And I can hardly imagine a more horrific threat than my child being given coffee and a dog.

    Sep 16, 2009 at 4:17 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

  • #47   JoeyGirl

    yes! finally people are attacking the parents of these damn children.

    Sep 17, 2009 at 12:30 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #47.1   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Yeah. Well try attacking one in the store, at the time his darlings are messing with the kerosene display and some one will call the cops . They call it assault.

      Sep 17, 2009 at 7:02 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #48   Donna

    Unattended children are the result of uncomdomed sausages!

    Sep 17, 2009 at 9:07 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #49   Kyle Weiss

    “Children left unattended will become VERY, VERY LATE TERM ABORTIONS?”

    Too harsh? “…Sold To Molesters?”

    “Made To Lay Eggs?”

    I don’t know. I don’t have any fucking kids.


    Sep 18, 2009 at 2:32 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

  • #50   Ruth

    Pretty much all unfunny. I don’t care how liberated you are and how much you just loathe children and how smug you are about people who don’t “understand” this humor. There’s nothing to understand. It’s juvenile.

    If anyone is to blame for unattended children, it’s the parents. So these are not only unfunny but misplaced.

    Sep 18, 2009 at 9:17 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #51   park rose bang

    dis-so theseless anti-are not con-only unfunny im-but misplaced.

    Just thought I’d liberate a few more negative prefixes (and one suffix) for you, Ruth.

    No, no. No need to thank me.

    You’d suggest the correct placement of these signs is nailed to the foreheads of errant and inattentive parents then? I think a fair few of the respondents in the comments would and have agreed with you, even before you set key to comment.

    Sep 18, 2009 at 11:07 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #52   GazKmite

    I like the idea of selling them

    That way the business turns a profit for catching the children

    Sep 20, 2009 at 12:19 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #53   D

    No one amongst you were ever children? Impossible to believe. Also impossible to believe is the idea that as a child you were all perfectly behaved in a public place. I’m glad you all survived to adulthood, but perhaps you all need a good dose of reality. Life as we know it would not continue if people stopped having those irritating children.

    Sep 26, 2009 at 11:32 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #53.1   MAMARILLA2 bang


      Sep 26, 2009 at 11:50 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #53.2   aaa bang

      Yes really. The internet is very serious.

      Oct 2, 2009 at 11:37 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #54   Mrs. Lucky

    My favorites comments are the ones made by people without kids about how to keep kids in line. Hilarious!

    It’s like people who have never driven a car, teaching drivers ed. Oh the absurd is the most delicious of the humors.

    PS: I have a seven year old who has never been hit nor made to believe he would be and he’s very well behaved in public….. I guess I’m just Mrs. Lucky~

    Oct 2, 2009 at 6:40 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #54.1   aaa bang

      *Psst!* You seem to be lost. This is PAN, and most people are being completely facetious here.

      Unless this is Mirror Pan, where people are serious and everybody has a goatee… :c

      Oct 2, 2009 at 11:36 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #54.2   Canthz_B bang

      I think it’s hilarious when people have sweet little 7 year-old boys and don’t know their kid will be either a fashion designer or a serial killer.
      I also think it’s cute when someone with only one child thinks that they’ll all be just like that one.
      They never seem to get that each child will be different from the other.

      So, yeah, you’re Mrs.Lucky.

      PS: All of my now adult children lead happy, productive lives and haven’t found a need for psychotherapy.
      But, only one of the four was a complete joy to raise, an angel, that one.

      Oct 3, 2009 at 12:47 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

  • #55   Pedro Suave

    What’s really funny is that just below this post was an advertisement for Child Fund: “Sponsor A Child” with a free kitteh and a shot of espresso!

    Oct 5, 2009 at 12:02 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #56   Kitschensyngk


    I found one in a shop at my local Renaissance Festival which said

    Unattended children will be given a free pony.*


    Oct 8, 2009 at 11:57 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

  • #57   Unattended children will be given espresso and a free puppy |

    [...] Unattended children will be shot [...]

    Jul 26, 2010 at 9:42 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #58   Sure, blame it on the kids |

    [...] Unattended children will be shot. [...]

    Apr 24, 2011 at 9:32 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up


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