Spotted by Kirk at “a very high-end consulting firm” in Washington, D.C.
related: suck on this
FILED UNDER: D.C. · heartwarming compassion · illness · office
hilariously hostile? uh, no.
Sep 23, 2009 at 3:39 am rating: 3
At least they used “whomever” properly.
Sep 23, 2009 at 4:01 am rating: 42
Really? And you got a “thumbs up,” too? It’s an epidemic!
Sep 23, 2009 at 7:08 am rating: 10
Actually they used it wrong! It should be “whoever”, because the who/whom is the subject of the subordinate clause.
Sep 23, 2009 at 8:16 am rating: 47
No, lol, they used “whomever” right! It’s the object of the preposition “to.”
Sep 23, 2009 at 8:55 am rating: 26
No. Die in a fire. It’s wrong.
Sep 23, 2009 at 9:00 am rating: 22
Joe, you’re an idiot. “Whomever” is the object of “to.” Case closed.
Sep 23, 2009 at 10:20 am rating: 14
Frank, please refer to my more detailed post, 7.2. Also, read http://web.ku.edu/~edit/whom.html, particularly the section just above “Three easy-to-use rules…”.
Then come back and apologize.
Sep 23, 2009 at 10:23 am rating: 11
Checked. Still wrong.
Sep 23, 2009 at 10:59 am rating: 5
It seems to I that whomever wrote the note is a pretentious twat.
Sep 23, 2009 at 11:14 am rating: 36
This is exactly the same situation as “To whom it may concern:”
Original note is correct.
Sep 23, 2009 at 11:35 am rating: 7
White is exactly same as black. No difference at all!
Sep 23, 2009 at 11:38 am rating: 8
In “to whom it may concern,” “whom” is the direct object of “concern.” Totally different.
Sep 23, 2009 at 11:59 am rating: 6
Joe… who/whom is not determined by whether or not it is a direct object… it is determined by whether or not it is the object of a preposition (whether that preposition be explicit, as in the note, or implicit, as in the case of an indirect object).
Sep 23, 2009 at 12:31 pm rating: 7
Oh, okay. Even without any sources, capitalization, complete sentences, or even vowels or spaces at the end there, you’ve completely convinced me that you’re the authoritative source on grammar. I guess there’s nothing left for me to do but concede.
But maybe you should be the one to contact the University of Kansas and the Chicago Manual of Style (and, I’m sure, many more) to notify them of their errors.
Sep 23, 2009 at 1:26 pm rating: 14
Sue Do Nim
Joe is right. I am an English teacher and cover this every semester. Although “whom” does appear to be the object of the preposition “to,” it is not. It is the subject of the clause “is coughing” The clause “whoever is coughing” is the object of the preposition.
This error and the misplaced comma make this note even funnier to we who love grammar (or to us grammar geeks). There will be a quiz tomorrow on the nominative and objective cases of pronouns.
Sep 23, 2009 at 3:46 pm rating: 42
*Raises hand and asks to be dismissed to remedial grammar class to prepare for quiz*
Sep 23, 2009 at 4:38 pm rating: 16
Shouldn’t that be “to US who love grammar”? Oh, simmer down.
And I disagree with “whom” being the subject of that clause; the full title should be “A letter to whomever is coughing”, thereby making “whomever” the direct object of “A letter to”. It’s not “Who the hell is coughing?” It’s “this is directed to whomever is coughing”. Ergo, “whomever” is correct. QED.
Sep 23, 2009 at 4:40 pm rating: 3
Easy way to know if you are using who or whom correctly:
To whom it may concern = It may concern HIM
To whoever is coughing = HE is coughing.
If you are referring to “HE” use “WHO”
If you are referring to “HIM” use “WHOM”
If you are referring to a “SHE”…pretend she is a “HE” or “HIM”….
Sep 23, 2009 at 4:50 pm rating: 24
Fuck all of you. I hate you. Who/Whom. Their/They’re/There, Two/Too/To. Fucking bullshit.
Sep 23, 2009 at 7:43 pm rating: 37
Sue Do Nim,
I am one of we who love grammar (teacher, retired) but sometimes one who looks for loopholes and/or work-arounds.
‘Twas a nice + concise explanation of why “whomever” is wrong in the pic and why, if we are hoping to hop up everybody’s usage ’round here, we surely shouldn’t nominate Joe to be made into an object lesson.
But I’m letting one of my parallel-hitched horses get ahead of the other without leading either of them to drink (and boy, could I use one!).
So, here’s the question:
Instead of saying “I am one of we who love grammar.”, why can’t we say “I am one of us who love grammar.”, claiming that the phrase “who love grammar” is in apposition to “us” ?
Clearly “who love grammar” correctly describes “us”.
Regardless of how you respond to the question, please give me your read on what exactly “who” is and what it is doing in “we who love grammar” version.
Thanks, and hope to see more gud thinking….
Sep 23, 2009 at 8:04 pm rating: 4
I’m just so glad that the fight over the incorrect usage of whom that I KNEW was going to happen after reading the note did, in fact, happen and that it was better than I imagined. Thank you, everyone. Take a bow.
Sep 23, 2009 at 8:52 pm rating: 21
I vote for “those of us who love grammar.”
Sep 23, 2009 at 9:06 pm rating: 3
2.17- Does that mean that if it’s a she it’s a he-she or an it?
Sep 23, 2009 at 10:26 pm rating: 0
All this talk has helped me to decide on an English major bleh…
Sep 23, 2009 at 10:28 pm rating: 0
If you proposition a preposition does she become an indirect or a direct object?
The best part of Language Arts class was that it was a good time to do my math homework!
Sep 23, 2009 at 11:21 pm rating: 2
If you proposition a preposition you might get lucky.
Sep 23, 2009 at 11:56 pm rating: 4
As I recall, it depends on whether you’re coming ON TO her, getting OFF ON her, getting OFF TO her, getting OFF OF to her, or getting OFF WITH her …hope that helps…
But, yes, you’re on track that, either way, they’re objectified…so be very careful and be sure to say thank you!
Your colleague in Grammar + Sin-tax,
Sep 23, 2009 at 11:57 pm rating: 4
After reading The Great Whoever/Whomever Battle of 2009 with much interest (because that’s why we all visit this humorous website), I have just one question:
Can one of the grammarians extraordinaire who/whom have the right answer please post a Schoolhouse Rock version of the facts on YouTube
Sep 24, 2009 at 2:02 am rating: 10
Sorry, Schoolhouse Rock doesn’t quite have the grade-level bandwidth to do a who/whom lesson.
But, we do have a blue-light (Cerenkov radiation) special today on rap songs about CERN’s Large Hadron Collider…(my spelling’s right, although yours might be funnier)…
Enjoy the cosmic rays-on-d-etre, mon ami…
Sep 24, 2009 at 2:21 am rating: 2
Schoolhouse Rock can do much with little. I’m pretty sure they could even explain quantum physics to any kindergarten student who is at least capable of cursive writing!
♫ With a quark quark here, and a quark quark there…♫
Sep 24, 2009 at 2:58 am rating: 2
Reminds me of Andy Kaufman doing Old McDonald had a Ferm(i)
on Sat. Night Live back in the day
He had his ups and downs, he was charmed and strange…don’t know if he was a top or not though
Sep 24, 2009 at 10:54 pm rating: 0
Kate the Great
Who went to the store?
HE went to the store.
With WHOM did he go to the store?
He went to the store with HER.
If the answer to the question is “he,” “she,” “we,” or “they,” it’s “who.”
If it’s “her/him/us/them” it’s “whom.”
QUICK TIP: If it ends with a consonant, it’s “whom.” If it ends with a vowel, it’s “who.” Am I the only one who’s ever thought of this trick?
Sep 25, 2009 at 5:24 am rating: 2
By the logic in this thread, we should be saying “to who it may concern..”
Sep 25, 2009 at 8:26 am rating: 0
Kate the Great
No, because it concerns HIM or HER not HE or SHE.
Sep 25, 2009 at 6:08 pm rating: 1
Nice trick, unless the answerer responds “Sharon. She went to the store with him.”
Side note: I don’t know crap about proper grammar, so please don’t bother taking a joke very seriously.
Sep 26, 2009 at 12:10 am rating: 3
“Whomever” is definitely, definitely wrong. Yes, it begins with to; however, the object of the preposition is not the pronoun “whomever” but rather the entire phrase “whomever is coughing,” and “whomever” is the SUBJECT of that phrase. There is no ambiguity here: the word should be “whoever.” This is a very common error. Don’t feel bad if you make it, but don’t embarrass yourself by insisting that it’s right.
(In the case of “To whom it may concern,” the object of the proposition is “whom it may concern,” the subject there being “it,” with “whom” being the object of the verb “concern.”)
Hi, I’m a former English teacher.
Oct 6, 2009 at 12:28 pm rating: 1
I don’t think this is P-A as much as just good advice. If the sick people stay home then the germs spread less…duh.
Sep 23, 2009 at 4:03 am rating: 37
I have asthma and severe alergies. I regularly get a hacking cough that sounds really nasty during the spring. It isn’t something that anyone else can catch reguardless of how bad it sounds.
It isn’t always just good advice to say ‘stop spreading germs’. Sometimes there are no germs.
Sep 23, 2009 at 6:40 am rating: 36
Ryen, please read:
Sep 23, 2009 at 8:10 am rating: 6
Same as Z, I get a really bad cough from allergies. It’s nothing contagious, and, no, allergy meds don’t help.
Ironically, I’m one of the only people in the office who almost never gets winter colds, but when I do, I stay home.
Sep 23, 2009 at 8:46 am rating: 8
It would be even more ironic if ‘whomever’s’ allergies are exacerbated by the cheap, heavy cologne worn by ‘It’s not fair’.
Sep 23, 2009 at 9:28 am rating: 22
It’s the “It’s not fair” whine at the end that elevates it to P-A status.
Sep 23, 2009 at 11:05 am rating: 18
How many sick days do you get each year? Because if I had stayed home every single day I had a cough, that would be at least the last two weeks. Get them to pay me the whole time and I’ll stay home.
Sep 23, 2009 at 11:10 am rating: 18
I’m with Z. Maybe who[m]ever was coughing was just coming off a four day crack binge, and was hacking into their sleeve like a good cubicle-dweller.
This note is completely off-side.
Sep 23, 2009 at 11:41 am rating: 3
Only by bringing germs to the workplace can we build the immune systems of tomorrow.
You should get paid double time for coming in sick. Elsewhere people are paying good money for access to these immunity building environments…
Sep 23, 2009 at 9:50 pm rating: 6
It’s PA because the note writer could have walked over to the cougher and told him or her to his or her face what the problem was. The note-writing is just cowardly behavior. If I were the cougher, I’d make sure to start hacking louder and with more phlegm until the culprit revealed him or herself through loud sighs, tsking noises and the slamming of fists on countertops.
Sep 24, 2009 at 1:34 pm rating: 2
“To those with cancer:
Please stay home, the rest of us don’t want to catch it.
Try to think of other people from time to time.”
Sep 24, 2009 at 2:08 pm rating: 3
Is stupid catching, because if it is I want to make those people stay home most of all.
Sep 24, 2009 at 2:16 pm rating: 2
I stayed home from work when I was sick. Guess what it got me? Fired, that’s what!
Sep 23, 2009 at 4:14 am rating: 52
STDs don’t count
Sep 23, 2009 at 12:27 pm rating: 12
Yeah being sick gives the bosses the opportunity to see how little some employees actually contribute. *cough*
Sep 23, 2009 at 5:23 pm rating: 1
Yeah but that is because you were gone two months with no doctor’s excuse and forgot to call in right?
Sep 23, 2009 at 10:30 pm rating: 1
What’s sad is that people need to be told this in the middle of flu season. Nobody wants your germs, folks.
Sep 23, 2009 at 4:14 am rating: 14
September is not ‘in the middle of ‘flu season’ for anyone in the northern hemisphere. It hasn’t even got going yet!
Sep 23, 2009 at 9:17 am rating: 7
To whomever is saying it isn’t flu season:
You sound terrible and are clearly wrong. Please go home and stop spreading your we-don’t-have-flu-around-here-yet misinformation.
It’s not fair.
About 20% of the US is now experiencing moderate flu outbreaks according to Google Flu Trends. Nearly half the people I know have tested positive for swine flu. I wish they’d go home, too!
Sep 23, 2009 at 11:14 am rating: 11
Since no one else is being funny, I won’t either.
No one has “tested positive for swine flu” since there is not yet a positive-antibody test for clinical use, according to the virologists and epidemiologists at the research institute where I work. Among other things, we model flu outbreaks for those wacky folks at DHHS, so I sure hope that they know what they’re talking about.
Nearly half the people everyone knows have tested positive for an overdose of media hysteria. I wish I could go home.
Sep 23, 2009 at 12:18 pm rating: 22
That’s odd. My doctor gave me a test just last week that he said would differentiate between regular flu and swine flu. I guess he was LYING ZOMG
Sep 23, 2009 at 12:28 pm rating: 5
She/he likely gave you the molecular DNA/RNA test. There’s one that the FDA has allowed to make the claim that it can tell the difference. (Note the careful language.) However, the CDC and WHO are not accepting those results yet due to numerous false positives. H1N1 is a strain A flu, just like the normal yearly version. Since the first sequences of the H1n1 DNA are just now hitting the public databases, it is very unlikely that the molecular test can really do more than make an educated guess. In practice, all strain A positives seem to be reported as swine flu.
Sep 23, 2009 at 12:46 pm rating: 9
Swine flu hype makes me gripe
thanks for the good info
now everyone stop freaking out and start freaking IN!
Sep 23, 2009 at 4:39 pm rating: 4
Sep 23, 2009 at 5:49 pm rating: 1
“Makes me gripe”
Ha ha, I get it.
Sep 23, 2009 at 6:16 pm rating: 2
Please go home
Please go home
Maybe it’s all too fast
But I won’t be the first or the last
In the sea of the thousand you infect
C’mon please go home.
Sep 23, 2009 at 5:09 am rating: 5
Kate the Great
Actually, they DIDN’T use “whomever” properly. Should be “whoever” in this case.
Sep 23, 2009 at 5:21 am rating: 15
Actually, they DID use “whomever” properly. “Whom” is a direct object of the verb here. If they had left the “to” out of the note, then it would have been “Whoever is coughing”. But they didn’t.
Sep 23, 2009 at 7:01 am rating: 7
To the self-declared Grammar Nazi:
You’re wrong. Turn in your swastika and report directly to the “showers.”
1. There is no direct object anywhere in that line.
2. “To” is not a verb. It is a preposition.
3. The clause “whoever is coughing” is, collectively, the object of the preposition.
4. “Whoever” is the subject of that clause.
Sep 23, 2009 at 7:18 am rating: 29
While we’re at it, the comma after “teribble” shouldn’t be there. But he or she did use “it’s” correctly. I’d give it a B-.
Gosh, can’t anyone be funny today?
Sep 23, 2009 at 8:18 am rating: 4
NO, NOBODY CAN BE FUCKING FUNNY. GRAMMAR AND SICKNESS ARE SERIOUS BUSINESS.
Sep 23, 2009 at 8:21 am rating: 42
It’s still correct. Let me reword the sentence: To whomever that is coughing.
Sep 23, 2009 at 8:58 am rating: 2
If you look at it like “To whomever” is short for “This note is to whomever”, it seems like whomever would be correct.
Sep 23, 2009 at 9:10 am rating: 6
The Real Meh, The Great Meh, The Blue Meh
Lea, I know the power lines in your backyard hindered your brain’s development, and it’s not your fault (nor is it fair), but you have to recognize your shortcomings and let the big kids play, or you will get hurt.
Sep 23, 2009 at 9:10 am rating: 5
*Doesn’t follow any of this at all, due to having been taught at the “Don’t shove grammar down their throats as it will stifle their creativity” school of language, and now has problems with creative writing*
*Not responsible for poor grammar in this post, due to . . .
**Steps back to allow big kids to play
Sep 23, 2009 at 9:19 am rating: 11
Technically, “whoever” would be correct (Chicago Manual of Style 5.202), but it’s one of those really esoteric rules that no one really understands. Lea, I support you for standing up for what you believe in despite slander and wild accusations of power line-hindered development.
Sep 23, 2009 at 10:24 am rating: 11
The best way out of this whoever/whomever conundrum is to move from the passive voice to something more… hortatory.
Thus, the painfully polite “To whomever is coughing” becomes the more hilariously hostile “Hey!! Coughing Douchebag!!!”.
Sep 23, 2009 at 11:01 am rating: 40
I like pie, shiny things and laughing at stupid shit.
Sep 23, 2009 at 11:08 am rating: 13
*Could care less about the whomever vs whoever debate*
Your submission at sevenpointfour should have read “GRAMMAR AND SICKNESS ARE SERIOUS FUCKING BUSINESS”. The extra fucking echos the correct comedic timing of your opening sentence and also serves to distract T imo® and Mark.
as always, much love, zB
Sep 23, 2009 at 11:20 am rating: 13
zB does not show up much but when she does, It’s worth it.
Sep 23, 2009 at 11:26 am rating: 2
but sky should fall down!!!
Wade said douchbag here!!!
Isn’t teh Wade principal kinda guy of this forum? He would be all knowing and would never use foul language to make his point!!!
World is coming to end.
Sep 23, 2009 at 11:31 am rating: 2
If the note said,
“To whomever I am offending by putting up this sign:”
That’s right by almost any style manual (especially the one quoted by the yardstick wielding nuns that shoved grammar down my throat) because the active voice verb has the subject “I” and the object “whomever” .
If it said,
“To whomever is offended by my putting up this note:”
That’s wrong, since the passive voice verb has no possible subject other than the missing, nominative case “whoever”.
Now, kiddees…recess time has been squandered because Sister Mary Discipline had to do this mini-lesson. Everybody back to their desks and get to work on some FUCKING HUMOR, as in…
What kind of meat do priests get to eat on Friday?
And next time we actually get recess time, het, Mike, Octavius, oi, Kate, Joe, and Wade can leave 5 minutes early.
Sep 23, 2009 at 11:46 am rating: 6
My class was run by Sister Mary Elephant. Thank you.
Sep 23, 2009 at 11:55 am rating: 3
Short temper ?
Long memory ?
Yardstick with the embedded metal strip sharpened to a keen edge ?
Yeah, think I had her in 5th grade.
But father rick had her for dinner on Fridays.
Sep 23, 2009 at 12:44 pm rating: 2
Ow, you fat penguin!
You are such a disappointing pair. I prayed so hard for you. It saddens and hurts me that the two young boys whom I taught to believe in the Ten Commandments have come back to me as two thieves, with filthy mouths and bad attitudes.
[pauses and points at them]
Get out… And don’t come back until you’ve redeemed yourselves…
Sep 23, 2009 at 12:58 pm rating: 3
I was thinking about adding the extra fucking, but didn’t want to have a fucking overkill.
Sep 23, 2009 at 3:41 pm rating: 1
Anglophile is 100% correct. That is all.
Oh, wait, no it isn’t: Joe can go suck a dick.
THAT is all.
Sep 23, 2009 at 4:43 pm rating: 1
Hey, Sister Mary Elephant, you bloated old pachyderm….
I got yer redemption right here!
Sep 23, 2009 at 5:57 pm rating: 0
Businesses. Grammar and sickness are serious fucking businesses.
Sep 23, 2009 at 6:02 pm rating: 1
Did none of you have a proper education? Diagramming the sentence proves that Team Whoever is correct. I can’t diagram here in ascii, but trust me. And bless you, 7.2 Joe.
Sep 23, 2009 at 7:43 pm rating: 3
Maybe someone needs to tell EMPLOYERS this! Hell, a lot of them don’t even provide sick pay for employees so they can’t afford to go home if sick. Others will use it against them come raise time or even “discipline” them for taking too much sick time. So, what happens? People go to work sick so everyone can get sick. It’s not the employee’s fault.
Sep 23, 2009 at 5:35 am rating: 39
I also have asthma/reactive airway. Strong colognes, cleaning supplies, as well as having seasonal allergies (usually spring and fall) all start me off on the road to a wonderful (croup-y) cough. If the phlegm had a color, like there was bacteria in it, I would be the 1st to stay home… but it is crystal clear, and goes on way longer than anyone else wants to hear. And I will lose my job. Will you pay my mortgage?? Then I will gladly stay home, so you don’t have to hear how terrible I sound…
Sad fact, is I am an RN in a hospital setting, you would think if I was sick, they would appreciate me staying home. I only use my sick time for being sick… (not for “mental health” days or additional vacation).
For sick time, we get verbal warning, written warning, suspension, fired…
And this is health care….
Sep 23, 2009 at 11:23 am rating: 7
All this incessant whining about allergy and ailments …. sounds like Doug and Wendy Whiner explaining in detail their diverticulitis and other physical problems….ugh! I especially enjoyed the phlegm comment.
Sep 23, 2009 at 11:00 pm rating: 0
Somebody post something funny, please. I’d do it myself, only I’m busting for a wee.
Sep 23, 2009 at 5:42 am rating: 8
Alternatively, if we are going to be so *serious*, why does the PAN writer and everyone else assume that coughing presupposes germs? Coughing is not necessarily symptomatic of any infection. It can be caused by allergies, irritation from foreign bodies, smoking, even as a side effect of some medication.
Not everyone who coughs is an evil selfish germ-spreading vector, out to contaminate the world. Some probably are, though.
Sep 23, 2009 at 6:00 am rating: 8
wow, that was a *really* long wee. are you a racehorse?
Sep 23, 2009 at 6:30 am rating: 9
Don’t worry, the wee took up a very small proportion of that time. You just reminded me of an American guy, from Georgia, with whom I used to work. He used to say “I hafta piss like a Russian racehorse”. He also used to say “Sugar, you need a poke in the shorts”. I wish now I’d written all his sayings down.
Sep 23, 2009 at 6:53 am rating: 6
farcical aquatic ceremony
Thanks a lot for reminding me how much I NEED a poke in the shorts. Sadly, he whom I most desire is many hours away…I don’t suppose that Georgian’s anywhere nearby..?
Sep 23, 2009 at 1:12 pm rating: 0
maybe bokky was busting for a wee, but instead, busted a movement?
Sep 23, 2009 at 2:21 pm rating: 0
Happy Sick Day to you
Happy Sick Day to you
You sound like a tuberculosis-ridden coal miner from nineteenth-century England who is going to die at age 29 while looking 67 years old and coughing up blood into a scrap of ancient hanky,
And you look like one too!
Sep 23, 2009 at 5:59 am rating: 50
Many thanks, anglophile.
Sep 23, 2009 at 6:01 am rating: 2
I do my humble best, bokky.
Sep 23, 2009 at 6:04 am rating: 0
Sep 23, 2009 at 6:20 am rating: 1
There is something indefinably wonderful about the word ‘hanky’.
Sep 23, 2009 at 6:27 am rating: 2
It collocates with ‘panky’. Maybe that’s part of it.
Sep 23, 2009 at 6:29 am rating: 5
When you say collocates, do you mean rhymes, rose? ‘Cause I don’t know too many of them fancy words.
Sep 23, 2009 at 8:43 am rating: 1
I like that Kibbles giggles.
Sep 23, 2009 at 11:56 am rating: 1
I think she means “nestles” but in a naughty sort of “Mommy and Daddy are ‘reading’ dear, and there’s only enough room for the two of us, so why doncha be a good little ragamuffin and go down to the riverbank and find us a nice bit of discarded rusty iron that we can sell for food this evening” way…
Sep 23, 2009 at 11:59 am rating: 2
The Real Meh, The Great Meh, The Blue Meh
Don’t know if you’re serious, but in that context it would mean occurs next to or in conjunction with.
Sep 23, 2009 at 12:03 pm rating: 0
farcical aquatic ceremony
TRMTGMTBM, thanks so much for ruining the first humorous thread for this post. I expect you’ll come up with a caustic comment for me, but I decided I’d sacrifice myself for the greater good: the more time you spend ripping on me the less time you’ll have to suck the fun out of everything!
Sep 23, 2009 at 1:16 pm rating: 1
Eat your collocations and be done with it, glo!
Yes, I had to check and knew I was pushing the language use line of credulity and accuracy , but I thought to hell with it. Let’s be wild, wacky and free and I ran with it, anyway.
You know, just like crazy goes with cat lady, grammar goes with Nazi, bosoms always heave and eyes always twinkle.
Sep 23, 2009 at 4:17 pm rating: 2
Sometimes my face twitches. Is that what you mean?
Sep 23, 2009 at 7:25 pm rating: 1
Psycho goes with path
Sep 23, 2009 at 8:21 pm rating: 1
I would like to live in Giggleswick. On the River Ribble. In Ribblesdale. But I don’t see it happening soon. Alternately, I would like to live on Hawkins Pickle Rd. But I don’t see that happening soon either.
Sep 23, 2009 at 8:28 pm rating: 1
I’ll tell you what’s not fair! A traffic jam when you’re already late isn’t fair! A ‘No Smoking’ sign on your cigarette break isn’t fair! Having 10,000 spoons available when all you need is a knife isn’t fair! Meeting the man of your dreams followed by his beautiful wife isn’t fair!
It’s like raaaaaaaaaaaaaa-eeeeeeeeeee-aaaaaaaaain
Sep 23, 2009 at 6:28 am rating: 27
Isn’t it ironic? Don’t you think?
Sep 23, 2009 at 7:02 am rating: 6
Who would’ve thought … it figures.
Sep 23, 2009 at 7:34 am rating: 3
Just one of those jagged little pills of life.
Sep 23, 2009 at 9:10 am rating: 3
farcical aquatic ceremony
you oughta know, MAMARILLA2.
Sep 23, 2009 at 1:18 pm rating: 2
I also have a really great poker face.
Sep 23, 2009 at 1:23 pm rating: 0
Alanis misconstrues irony for bad luck – and gets money for it? WTMF?!?
Sep 23, 2009 at 4:45 pm rating: 2
At least she figured out what a hairbrush was for.
Sep 24, 2009 at 9:50 am rating: 0
Right, this is a case of someone needing to go lick each and every spoon and fork in the staff kitchen before putting them all back in the drawer.
Sep 23, 2009 at 6:46 am rating: 4
And that’s why I never use the office utensils.
Sep 23, 2009 at 8:30 am rating: 2
I hate people who use the “it’s not fair” line. You can’t argue with them.
Sep 23, 2009 at 7:10 am rating: 2
Yea you can.
Person: “It’s not fair”
Me: “Life’s not fair. Get over it.”
Sep 23, 2009 at 7:45 am rating: 9
Or another good retort:
Person: “It’s not fair!”
Sep 23, 2009 at 8:14 am rating: 3
I’m with you, J. People who say “it’s not fair” are usually whiny brats. There is no arguing with these people–they just want to complain.
Sep 23, 2009 at 8:32 am rating: 3
Yeah, but you can at least get them to complain at somebody else by letting them know you couldn’t give a rat’s ass about their piddly complaints.
Sep 23, 2009 at 8:35 am rating: 1
*and walk away.
Sep 23, 2009 at 9:03 am rating: 3
That’s not fair!
You say that so often, I wonder what your basis for comparison is?
You remind me of the babe.
The babe with the power.
Sep 23, 2009 at 9:14 am rating: 8
Power of voodoo
Remind me of the babe
Sep 23, 2009 at 9:35 am rating: 5
It’s not fair… And I think you’re really mean.
Sep 23, 2009 at 9:51 am rating: 3
The Kid: You read that wrong. She doesn’t marry Humperdinck, she marries Westley. I’m just sure of it. After all that Westley did for her, if she doesn’t marry him, it wouldn’t be fair.
The Grandfather: Well, who says life is fair? Where is that written? Life isn’t always fair.
Sep 23, 2009 at 9:54 am rating: 11
I know right?
It’s totally unfair.
Sep 23, 2009 at 11:32 am rating: 0
He: It’s not fair!
Me: Thank god! I was afraid that what if turns out fair.
Sep 23, 2009 at 11:35 am rating: 3
Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my father! Prepare to die!
Sep 23, 2009 at 11:41 am rating: 5
I do not mean to pry, but you don’t by any chance happen to have six fingers on your right hand?
♥ Mamarilla! ♥
Sep 23, 2009 at 11:52 am rating: 3
Whoo-hoo-hoo, look who knows so much. It just so happens that your friend here is only MOSTLY dead. There’s a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. With all dead, well, with all dead there’s usually only one thing you can do.
Sep 23, 2009 at 12:01 pm rating: 3
Go through his clothes and look for loose change.
Sep 23, 2009 at 12:24 pm rating: 2
You’re right, when you can’t argue with them, it’s not fair!
Sep 23, 2009 at 12:34 pm rating: 1
“I want to complain.”
“You want to complain! Look at these shoes. I’ve only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through.”
“No, I want to complain about…”
“If you complain nothing happens, you might as well not bother.”
“Oh my back hurts, it’s not a very fine day and I’m sick and tired of this office.”
Sep 23, 2009 at 1:24 pm rating: 5
I’ll explain and I’ll use small words so that you’ll be sure to understand, you warthog-faced buffoon.
Sep 23, 2009 at 2:02 pm rating: 2
Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam…
And wuv, tru wuv, will fowow you foweva…
Sep 23, 2009 at 3:42 pm rating: 6
My note at the bottom would be ; “It’s not fair?! Man up! If you’re a woman, then get your bitch-ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!”
Sep 23, 2009 at 4:47 pm rating: 0
I remember you from U.N. news footage in the ’90s.
Were you attached as a Special Facilitator to the Tutsi side or Hutu side?
Sep 23, 2009 at 10:45 pm rating: 0
“It’s a good thing that life is not fair, because if it were, then that would mean that all the bad things that happen to us are because we actually deserve them. Therefore we should take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe.”
Sep 24, 2009 at 12:11 pm rating: 1
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.
Sep 24, 2009 at 12:38 pm rating: 0
Would you people quit quoting “The Princess Bride” and get back to doing important things like debating whoever vs. whomever and whether or not coughing is an effective indictor of sickness?
“Truly you have a dizzying intellect.”
“Wait till I get started!”
Sep 24, 2009 at 12:39 pm rating: 2
Sep 24, 2009 at 12:50 pm rating: 0
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Sep 24, 2009 at 3:37 pm rating: 1
To Whomever Is Bitching Like a Two-Year-Old:
Cry me a river and build a bridge and get over it. Please go home and quit your bitching.
Sep 23, 2009 at 7:19 am rating: 5
Great plan, except that the coughing guy was the client in the 1:30 meeting. Now that he has been humiliated in front of the entire office I guess you can kiss that account goodbye. Oh! And a sign like that on the doors might aswell read “Plague ward” so I guess no other clients are going to want to come in.That is all O.K. though. You are CONSULTANTS. In this economy that is like a license to print money, right?
Sep 23, 2009 at 7:22 am rating: 17
I continually have to tell my daughter’s school, in the spring and fall, that she is NOT sick. She has allergies…the cough can sound almost croupy at times and she is not contagious whatsoever.
Sep 23, 2009 at 7:30 am rating: 3
I worked with a young woman who had very bad allergies. She coughed, hacked and snorted all day, every day.
She was fired for surfing the internet and sleeping at work.
Surfing the net to the point that you lose your job is indefensible, but I would have been happy to testify that she was surely never asleep.
I’d have noticed the silence!
Sep 23, 2009 at 10:41 pm rating: 4
but i need the money. :’(
Sep 23, 2009 at 8:11 am rating: 0
I’ve heard there’s good money in prostitution.
Sep 23, 2009 at 8:24 am rating: 1
You should do it on Craigslist. It’s totally not suspicious or likely to get your ass arrested or anything. Totally.
Sep 23, 2009 at 8:31 am rating: 2
The Real Meh, The Great Meh, The Blue Meh
Make sure not to cough on your tricks, though. Repeat customers are the staple of small businesses, and you wouldn’t want them getting sick.
Sep 23, 2009 at 9:17 am rating: 2
To the fucker that wrote the note:
I know who you are and I know that it’s your fault that the building is perpetually riddled with mold. I’ve got fucking allergies and I wouldn’t be coughing like a TB patient if you would get off your gelatinous ass and do something about the fucking mold.
It’s not fair that I’m coughing up my lungs, but it’s also more than fair that OSHA’s going to kick your ass.
P.S. I’m gonna go ahead and take a sick day tomorrow and the day after, ‘kay?
Sep 23, 2009 at 8:19 am rating: 3
There was/is swine flu at our school and people that were coughing a lot in class were being asked to leave and get themselves tested at the health center. There was even an isolation unit on campus for infected people to stay until they weren’t sick anymore.
TRUE FUCKING STORY. WASN’T IT EXCITING?
Sep 23, 2009 at 8:51 am rating: 2
did they turn into zombies?
‘cuz if so, I’ve seen that movie.
Aren’t you doing time in the Joliet County Jail? I guess you can call it a “school” if you like.
Sep 23, 2009 at 12:38 pm rating: 2
I’m surprised nobody’s mentioned the Twilight Zone episode Time Enough at Last where the main character is the only person left on the planet and breaks his glasses when he finally has enough time to read his books…
“That’s not fair. That’s not fair at all. There was time now. There was all the time I needed… ! It’s not fair!”
Sep 23, 2009 at 8:57 am rating: 1
Did you ever see that “Twilight Zone” where the guy signed a contract and they cut out his tongue and put it in a jar and it wouldn’t die, it just grew and pulsated and gave birth to baby tongues? Pretty cool, huh?
Sep 23, 2009 at 9:14 am rating: 0
will you have my tongue babies?
Sep 23, 2009 at 9:23 am rating: 2
That’s one of the episodes they never show on marathons. :O
Sep 23, 2009 at 9:33 am rating: 0
Baby tongue is the new veal.
Sep 23, 2009 at 9:57 am rating: 3
That one never had the punch they thought it would. Like he couldn’t just go to the nearest optometrist and break in, like Wil Smith in I Am Legend.
Sep 23, 2009 at 11:24 am rating: 4
But then where would the ironic tragedy be. Its just not fair.
Sep 23, 2009 at 11:35 am rating: 2
I like the classic Shatner one with the gremlins on the wing. The Shat goes nuts as the gremlins tear apart the plane….
He couldn’t act then either.
Sep 23, 2009 at 11:56 am rating: 4
I’m not having any tongue babies until they change the sign-a-contract, cut-it-off, and put-it-in-a-jar process.
Sep 23, 2009 at 12:12 pm rating: 1
I have seen that episode – oh sweet, sweet irony – Alanis could learn a thing or two from that episode!
Sep 23, 2009 at 4:49 pm rating: 0
Sep 23, 2009 at 6:46 pm rating: 1
How is that ironic instead of being bad luck?
I thought that episode of Futurama had irony right. The one where Fry writes an Opera and near the end Leela promises the Robot Devil her hand in exchange for ears to hear it. She thinks he wants to chop of one of her hands and it turns out he wants her hand in marriage.
Sep 24, 2009 at 12:26 pm rating: 0
Relax, I’m just playing a Joe Cocker anthology.
Sep 23, 2009 at 9:12 am rating: 1
Getting sick can be good for you, in a way. You get to make more antibodies to fight future sickness. Embrace those germs my friends. And I guess if you can’t handle that, there is always the PA note.
What if the sickness attacks your immume system? Then you might make less antibodies, might you not?
Sep 23, 2009 at 12:30 pm rating: 0
um, not to be snarky, but, even if you only have allergies, you still spread germs when you cough/sneeze.
Granted, they’re probably not swine-flu germs, but germs nonetheless.
Although, you could be a carrier and whenever your allergies induce you to cough/sneeze, you Are spreading flu germs.
Which is why people need to cover their freaking mouths! and wash their hands, and keep their germy paws off of my phone, and my keyboard.
And of course, they don’t, so I clean my phone and keyboard daily.
and drink more water, and take herbs and eat well, and excercise and get plenty of sleep.
Which is why I don’t get sick.
and thus, have no need to leave poorly-written passive aggressive notes in my workplace (and keep my crazy to myself.. You’re welcome)
Thank-you and have a nice day.
all the same to me
Sep 23, 2009 at 9:54 am rating: 5
The Real Meh, The Great Meh, The Blue Meh
Ladies and gentlemen, Slim Goodbody has just graced the pages of passiveaggressivenotes.com. We are all humbled, I’m sure.
Sep 23, 2009 at 12:17 pm rating: 2
…thus proving the rule: “Beginning a comment with, ‘Not to be snarky…‘ means exactly the opposite.
Sep 23, 2009 at 12:27 pm rating: 10
So is it ok to touch your stapler?
Sep 23, 2009 at 12:37 pm rating: 4
If you’re not going to be snarky, I probably don’t want to read your teal deer comment.
Sep 23, 2009 at 1:54 pm rating: 5
i don’t have a stapler.
staplers are minions of satan, i refuse to keep one in my office.
Sep 23, 2009 at 2:01 pm rating: 1
I bleeve you have my stapler?
Sep 23, 2009 at 2:35 pm rating: 4
They switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn’t bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it’s not okay because if they take my stapler then I’ll set the building on fire…
Sep 23, 2009 at 3:01 pm rating: 6
Oh, your crazy’s leakin’ a little….
Sep 23, 2009 at 9:58 pm rating: 0
So, anyone who coughs in the office could be sharing his/her staphler.
God, I love a team-player!
Sep 23, 2009 at 10:33 pm rating: 2
The Great FantasticGreat
I think this person works in my building.
Sep 23, 2009 at 10:07 am rating: 0
This person works in everybody’s building.
Sep 23, 2009 at 11:37 am rating: 2
…and that is how he is spreading H1N1 nationwide.
Sep 23, 2009 at 12:13 pm rating: 7
S T F U all of you.
Sep 23, 2009 at 10:22 am rating: 2
The Real Meh, The Great Meh, The Blue Meh
I’m on Team STFU.
Sep 23, 2009 at 10:43 am rating: 5
NA NA NA NA NA NA! YOU CAN’T MAKE ME! *sticks out tongue*
Sep 23, 2009 at 3:46 pm rating: 4
What? I thought you cut your tongue out and put it in a jar?
Sep 23, 2009 at 4:47 pm rating: 1
That was Rod Serling. He’s the one who’s making little jarred tongue babies.
Sep 23, 2009 at 9:44 pm rating: 2
It would have been better if they had just put:
I DON’T WANT YOUR SARS!
Sep 23, 2009 at 11:54 am rating: 0
Would rolling a big wooden wheeled cart through the cubicles striking a gong and yelling, “Bring out yer dead!” be too much?
Sep 23, 2009 at 11:57 am rating: 15
The Real Meh, The Great Meh, The Blue Meh
“He must be the new CEO.”
“How d’ya know that?”
“He hasn’t got shit all ova ‘im.”
Sep 23, 2009 at 12:22 pm rating: 5
: I don’t want to go on the cart.
Sep 23, 2009 at 12:25 pm rating: 2
Very nice. And how’d he get that, eh? By exploiting the workers. By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society.
Sep 23, 2009 at 12:31 pm rating: 2
DENNIS!!! There’s some lovely filth down here, ooooh! How do you do?
Sep 23, 2009 at 1:27 pm rating: 4
Oh, but you can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you.Oh but if I went ’round sayin’ I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they’d put me away.
Sep 23, 2009 at 1:45 pm rating: 4
Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help, I’m being repressed!
Sep 23, 2009 at 1:47 pm rating: 3
Dueling Princess Bride/Holy Grail quote threads?
I guess I’m going to have to go with PB on account of its higher snark content.
Sep 23, 2009 at 1:58 pm rating: 2
As you wish
Sep 23, 2009 at 2:04 pm rating: 8
I’m getting better
Sep 23, 2009 at 3:10 pm rating: 5
I’m guessing the note-writer is pampered enough to be in a job that’ll pay you to stay home with the sniffles, or is not the sole income in her household (this note sounds like b*tchy female to me), and has never had the experience of a job that does not offer paid sick time. Most jobs I or members of my family have had are “no work, no pay”, and if you’re trying to even keep a roof over your own head, let alone take care of dependents, you can’t afford to be taking time off if you’re at all capable of dragging yourself in and at least pretending to be productive.
Sep 23, 2009 at 11:59 am rating: 3
Seanette, I am with you to a point. Even if you have a job that offers paid sick leave doesn’t mean you can actually TAKE a sick day. Even those with salaried positions don’t always have the luxury of actually taking sick time. Work piles up, deadlines loom, andd the client/CEO doesn’t give a shit that you had the sniffles or were in a coma for a week (yes, I have seen a salaried person at work the day after they were discharged from the hospital after being in a coma for a week. Yes, their boss yelled at them for taking too much time off … for their COMA)
Sep 23, 2009 at 12:09 pm rating: 5
But was it an Oxford coma?
Sep 23, 2009 at 12:46 pm rating: 6
naw, he is from northern Illinois … so I guess Chicago style
Sep 23, 2009 at 1:08 pm rating: 7
Doesn’t a Chicago-style coma involve a blackjack?
Sep 23, 2009 at 3:09 pm rating: 5
So its not the one with the Cement leggings and a deep body of water?
Sep 23, 2009 at 3:11 pm rating: 3
farcical aquatic ceremony
I’m surprised no one has remarked on how little the world would be losing if all “high-end consultants” contracted dreadful illnesses and died.
All together now: “What do you call 100 consultants at the bottom of the ocean…?”
Sep 23, 2009 at 1:24 pm rating: 3
A good start, I’d say!
Har har har.
Sep 23, 2009 at 1:33 pm rating: 1
Okay, Who do you save..The High-end Consultant or the Lawyer..?
Sep 23, 2009 at 1:48 pm rating: 0
Sep 23, 2009 at 2:33 pm rating: 0
You save whichever of the Lawyer or the Consultant *doesn’t* come out alive from the 40-foot container you locked them in last night.
The one that comes out alive…kill it!
The other one gets made into a holy martyr.
Those of its kind can aspire to the holiness of The First by offing themselves.
Those of its kind who just need revenge can start a nice little bloodbath by killing members of the other tribe…
If it doesn’t work out you can always hire a Consultant to help you fix it…
If you get busted, there’s (sadly) still gonna be some lawyers around…
Sep 23, 2009 at 6:11 pm rating: 0
Stream of bat's piss
I’ll never figure this site out. I think this is a weak posting, yet it garners 135+ comments.
It’s not fair
Sep 23, 2009 at 1:31 pm rating: 3
whomever said it would be fair?
or is it whoever said it would be fair?
Sep 23, 2009 at 2:14 pm rating: 1
And now it’s garnered 136+ comments thank to you, Stream of bat’s piss.
Sep 23, 2009 at 9:54 pm rating: 0
You shine out like a shaft of gold when all around is dark.
Sep 23, 2009 at 10:14 pm rating: 2
Hey Ugly! You are clearly hideous. Please go home and stop spreading your ugly around here. It’s making me ill. It’s not fair.
Sep 23, 2009 at 2:22 pm rating: 2
whomever or whoever….you still sound like a twat either way
Sep 23, 2009 at 3:26 pm rating: 0
huh. I thought twats mostly sounded like “fffttt thhbbtt”
Sep 23, 2009 at 3:31 pm rating: 6
unholyghost2003, that’s *rude*!
Sep 23, 2009 at 5:07 pm rating: 0
I mean, clearly it’s not all that articulate, nor profound, but still.
Sep 23, 2009 at 6:07 pm rating: 3
flying fish, obviously you’ve never seen this fine piece of cinematic art: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0075830/
Sep 23, 2009 at 6:57 pm rating: 0
wow,i have no words.
oh, yes, i do.
have you seen it??
Sep 24, 2009 at 9:46 am rating: 0
Actually it can sing too…from its diaphragm.
Sep 24, 2009 at 4:21 pm rating: 1
This thread is all kinds of serious. Lighten up.
Sep 23, 2009 at 7:48 pm rating: 0
This a win for the cougher. How many people do you know who’ve received free advice from a very high-end consulting firm?
Sep 23, 2009 at 10:24 pm rating: 2
Not all horrible coughs are the result of a contagious illness. Sometimes they are caused by a harmless sinus infection or are otherwise allergy related.
Sep 23, 2009 at 11:16 pm rating: 0
Is it acceptable to sneeze or must I leave the premises for that as well?
Sep 23, 2009 at 11:58 pm rating: 0
The note writer is obviously a trained physician/high end consultant (oops isn’t that what doctors are?) who is moonlighting on the side. How the hell would you not know who is coughing in your office?
Thanks for the brilliant diagnosis and medical advice Dr. Welby. Feel free to stay away from the “sicky” and buy a bottle of Purell. Life isn’t fair but it beats the alternative babe. If I had to put up with more of the crap I might second guess that.
Sep 23, 2009 at 11:24 pm rating: 0
Dear Dr. Kildare,
Thank you for your kind referral.
I have examined your patient and find that, based upon the symptoms with which the patient presented, and the results of pulmonary function testing and sputum analysis I concur with your diagnosis and that of his co-worker.
He has germs.
Feel free to refer patients to my office at any time, as my wife is hinting about wanting a new Mercedes.
Dr. Marcus Welby, M.D.
My practice will be moving to: 123 Laughing All The Way To The Bank Blvd if the Conservatives have their druthers.
Sep 24, 2009 at 2:35 am rating: 2
No. It’s not Fair, it’s employment. No one said anything about pig races, blue ribbons, cotton candy, freaks or rides when you were hired, now did they?
Now sit down and shut up, before we reassign you to share a cubicle with Hirsutia, the bearded analyst.
Sep 24, 2009 at 2:20 am rating: 1
She has a swingline stapler and likes to look at the squirrels…
Sep 24, 2009 at 9:56 am rating: 1
— The Beast Among Us
2011: The Top Notes of the Year
2010: The Funniest Notes of the Year
2009: The Best Notes of the Year
2008: Your Favorite Notes of the Year
Carnivores: keep being awesome!
actually totally reasonable
a little patronizing
clip art catastrophe
flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens
landlords and property managers
Moms & Dads
more aggressive than passive
most popular notes of 2010
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now that's management
sex sex sex
signed with love
spelling and grammar police
thanks (but not really)
unnecessary "quotation marks"
You call that punctuation?