Before you embark on this visual road trip through from rural North America, remember: guns don’t kill possums. CELL PHONES KILL POSSUMS. (And potentially one-thumbed former sea captains.)
related: the right to bear fruit
extra credit: playing possum [awkwardfamilyphotos.com]
148 responses so far ↓
#1
GK
So, basically, you’re only allowed to wear a cowboy hat and a smile?
Sep 25, 2009 at 3:17 am rating: +15
#2
chrys
I never thought of it that way before, but I guess condoms DO help prevent cross-contamination.
Sep 25, 2009 at 3:19 am rating: +12
#3
tinkerbell2
Wow, as distinguishing marks go those are pretty effective. Not too many one-thumbed sea-captains round my way, so if I spot one I’ll be sure to call it in.
Sep 25, 2009 at 3:35 am rating: +13
#4
Kelly
So… who else will never, ever be moving out of suburbia?
Sep 25, 2009 at 3:57 am rating: +22
#5
techimpaired
I think I’m most creeped out by the 2 of the 3 opossums sharing the 1 head that got run over. I would have aimed my car for that sucker too if I saw something like that come towards me on a dark road at night.
Sep 25, 2009 at 4:08 am rating: +52
#6
park rose
Those looking for the culprit responsible for running down the two-headed squirming opossum should look no further than Fred – the robber of guns, the former sea captain, the former friend.
It’s hell trying to text when you’re missing a thumb, and hell to drive when your peg-leg can’t distinguish the clutch from the brake from the accelerator.
Sep 25, 2009 at 4:26 am rating: +56
#7
JetJackson
I hate possums! They are a pest here in oz. On grade 10 school camp I was asleep under the stars and woke up to one chewing on my hand so I hit the bastard with a water bottle… mobile phones hadn’t been invented yet.
Sep 25, 2009 at 5:13 am rating: +6
#8
felix
Hey look, they misspelled “coloreds”.
Sep 25, 2009 at 5:34 am rating: +27
#9
April
As someone who lives in Tennessee, I will say screw the oppossums and this is coming from a vegetarian. These things get in your garbage at night and hiss at you. They are always in the road and getting run over. They are pests.
My mother lives in rural and I mean rural Alabama. It can be an adventure going to visit her at times. Heck I live outside a largeish city in Tn and it can be an adventure just going to the local Walmart. I don’t think big city folks have any idea how interesting and sometimes scary it can be out in the country.
Sep 25, 2009 at 5:58 am rating: +3
#10
Chicken Underwear
That is why I say, “If I can’t get there by subway, I ain’t going.”
Sep 25, 2009 at 6:03 am rating: +5
#11
Tyler
A two-headed possum? I’d run over it too! But really, who sits around waiting for possums to get hit.
Sep 25, 2009 at 6:17 am rating: +1
#12
Dagny
Is Tom Turkey a relative? A friend? Or was this sign some kind of sick redneck furry John Dear letter?
tsk tsk tsk.
Sep 25, 2009 at 6:32 am rating: +5
#13
unholyghost2003
The scary one is the sencond note. aAron L is in for a little backwoods justice.
Sep 25, 2009 at 6:50 am rating: +2
#14
biteme
why hasn’t any commented yet on the note about calling the wife in lieu of the cops if the dude is seen “driving drunk with her grandkids”???( complete with phone#!!!) And why haven’t the cops taken the sign down, is what I’m wondering??
Sep 25, 2009 at 6:51 am rating: +2
#15
Woman on the Verge
All unattended children will be given a dead two-headed opossum and a $3 towel. They will be stripped and forced to wear a cowboy hat while Fred, the one-thumbed sea captain texts Aaron to get his drink on and pick them up.
Huh… sorry. I guess I had a flashback.
Sep 25, 2009 at 9:08 am rating: +28
#16
GhostWriter
While I was driving by reading the sign about the opossums, I hit another opossum.
Sep 25, 2009 at 9:11 am rating: +17
#17
T imo®
A sea captain, wearing a cowboy hat, who lost his thumb in a dally roping accident, walks into a bar with a guy named Aaron and a two headed opossum.
Sep 25, 2009 at 9:16 am rating: +10
#18
Mrs. HorribleLicensePlates
I was okay until “squirm”
Sep 25, 2009 at 9:17 am rating: +2
#19
GhostWriter
I’ll bet that when they finally find the Captain, a handsome prince will gingerly take a severed thumb out of a beautiful box, and lovingly place it next to the Captain’s hand, to see if it fits.
If it does, they all live happily ever after.
Sep 25, 2009 at 9:35 am rating: +8
#20
Clarissa
Wow! Is anyone else scared?
Sep 25, 2009 at 9:38 am rating: +1
#21
Sheepish
I returned Tom Turkey to you in the form of the turkey club sandwiches I provided for the ‘Redneck Summer Games’
Sep 25, 2009 at 9:40 am rating: +1
#22
GhostWriter
Somebody should shovel-up one of the possums, slip a baby t-shirt on it, hang it from a tree, and write “FED” on the shirt.
Prank!
Sep 25, 2009 at 9:41 am rating: +4
#23
BillsBayou
“…guns don’t kill possums…”
Opossum. In North America, we have opossums. No “possums” here.
If you insist, use an apostrophe when omitting the “O” to demonstrate the vernacular omission.
As such: ‘Possum
The proper cleaning and use of rags note is more of a necessary note than a passive-aggressive one. The others are just funny! I’ll be sure to wear my cowboy hat more often (once I buy one, that is).
Sep 25, 2009 at 9:43 am rating: +2
#24
GhostWriter
In this case, “cowboy hat” is a local vernacular for “condom.”
Sep 25, 2009 at 9:52 am rating: +4
#25
Lisa
What’s the world coming to when a body can’t sport a beanie whenever and wherever they damn well please?
Sep 25, 2009 at 10:15 am rating: +3
#26
KPod
None of these notes qualify even remotely as passive-aggressive. They are all keenly aggressive. Not only do they invoke violence (“come break your arms”), they actually provide authors’ names and/or phone numbers. One can hardly be considered P-A if one signs ones notes, right?
Sep 25, 2009 at 11:09 am rating: +1
#27
Comrade Masha G.
Why do they assume that the death of the opossums had anything to do with cell phone use, or were even an accident in the first place? For some of us, hitting opossums with cars is the sole source of enjoyment in our lives. It sure beats spending $3 on towels.
Sep 25, 2009 at 12:35 pm rating: +3
#28
bowloftoast
The first is a disturbing example of how the internet is causing cultural ‘cross-contamination’…
Barely literate rube in the southern US stumbles a PSA created in the UK admonishing texting while driving, and the automatic assumption is that that’s the reason why the highways are now littered with headless, squirming opossums.
The more likely causes include: Distraction while fishing around under the seat of the truck for the opener, rolling a two-paper joint while at the wheel, or, searching the glove compartment for Alan Jackson cassettes.
Sep 25, 2009 at 1:43 pm rating: +4
#29
flying fish
ya know, considering where that 5th note must be posted, ‘attire’ may be beyond most of the patrons.
Sep 25, 2009 at 2:46 pm rating: +1
#30
Neeners
I think I just hit a fourth opossum while I was passing by trying to read that sign…. don’t worry this one wasn’t squirming.
Sep 25, 2009 at 3:43 pm rating: +2
#31
Stream of bat's piss
Tom the Turkey was fucking delicious
Sep 25, 2009 at 3:54 pm rating: +1
#32
Neeners
5th sign had a page two that said:
No colors of any kind: no asians, no irish, no english, no spaniards or mexicans, no hawaiians, no japanese, no hindus, no saudi arabians, no indians, no canadians, no dutch, no swiss, no french, no germans, no eyetalians, no cubans, no jamaicans, no russians, no czechslavakiwhatevers, AND FOR GOD SAKE NO TEXANS….. on and on but they ran out of room and more paper.
Sep 25, 2009 at 3:58 pm rating: +1
#33
Queen of the World
The possums asked for it. Asked for it, I tell ya.
Sep 25, 2009 at 6:17 pm rating: +3
#34
Clarissa
So… The fifth sign… Is it for a Black&White Cowboy party?
Sep 25, 2009 at 9:53 pm rating: +1
#35
Canthz_B
See? New jobs are being created. Rags Hatfield got a job polishing guns!
PLEASE ASK for Rags, and don’t forget to tip. If you can’t afford to tip Rags, you should buy your meat at a supermarket or eat at McDonald’s!
Sep 26, 2009 at 12:33 am rating: +1
#36
prizebig.ru
What will happen to scholarship money that is left over from college tuition?
Sep 26, 2009 at 5:25 am rating: 0
#37
Lisa
Maybe it’s the Oposoms who should look on the road!
Isn’t a car with headlights easier to spot at night than an unlit oposom?
Sep 26, 2009 at 2:19 pm rating: +2
#38
Eliza
I do feel sorry for the state trooper with his one-thumbed ex-friend…:-(
Sep 26, 2009 at 4:29 pm rating: +1
#39
ourbig.ru
It sounds like that when you are looking
Sep 27, 2009 at 1:54 am rating: 0
#40
pilgrimchick
There’s taking matters into your own hands for you. I wonder if Tom Turkey made a mysterious reappearance.
Sep 27, 2009 at 2:34 pm rating: 0
#41
Wordtinker doesnt smith
I must say, that has to be the best use of a 4X8 sheet of OSB I’ve seen in a while.
Sep 27, 2009 at 8:28 pm rating: +1
#42
GhostWriter
Lt. Harris: “We’re looking for a gun thief with only one thumb, named ‘Fred.’”
Sgt. Mahoney: “What’s the name of his other thumb?”
Sep 28, 2009 at 10:39 am rating: +2
#43
FunFunRahRah
Dead wildlife with a “Rite to Live” raises some interesting possibilities. But it looks like the sign writer had second thoughts about two-headed zombie opossums terrorising the backwoods of America.
Sep 29, 2009 at 5:22 pm rating: 0
#44
amy d
I didn’t say anything, mister.
Sep 29, 2009 at 8:32 pm rating: 0
#45
Lori @ Wife. Mom. Artist. Geek.
I have seen the Tom Turkey sign!!! I passed it during the summer of ‘08–it was either in Tennessee or Georgia!
Nov 12, 2009 at 2:14 pm rating: 0
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