Gone country

September 25th, 2009 · 149 comments

Before you embark on this visual road trip through from rural North America, remember: guns don’t kill ’possums. CELL PHONES KILL ’POSSUMS. (And potentially one-thumbed former sea captains.)

rite to live

You better pray the cops get to you before I do

no carcasses in the fridge

bring back tom turkey

cowboy hats only!!!

have you seen this man?

related: The right to bear fruit
extra credit: Playing ’possum [awkwardfamilyphotos.com]


FILED UNDER: more aggressive than passive · not-so-veiled threats · small town living · spelling and grammar police


149 responses so far ↓

  • #1   GK bang

    So, basically, you’re only allowed to wear a cowboy hat and a smile?

    Sep 25, 2009 at 3:17 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Kelly

      That sounds like my last date.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 3:55 am   rating: 38  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   T imo® bang

      You weren’t suppose to tell!

      Sep 25, 2009 at 9:27 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   Alyssa Myers

      Er, I hope they’re wearing more than that!

      Oct 2, 2009 at 12:30 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.4   pony girl bang

      Boots w/ spurs could prove disastrous.

      Oct 13, 2009 at 5:03 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   chrys

    I never thought of it that way before, but I guess condoms DO help prevent cross-contamination.

    Sep 25, 2009 at 3:19 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   analogeyser

      Are they actually worried about cross-pollination but couldn’t remember if it had one “L” or two ?

      Doing it in a fridge is the new en flagrante….

      Cold is the new bold
      Cool is the new hot
      Be-bop is the new re-bop
      Miles is the new Bird

      Plus la change better add up to three bills, sonny, or we’re gonna hafta impound us yer bass boat until ya come across with $3.00 for the dang towel, Yassir-ee-bob

      Sep 25, 2009 at 7:29 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   eXo

      WTF is this supposed to mean? I’ve read the damned thing several times and it makes my eyes cross and my brain hurt.

      Sep 29, 2009 at 11:07 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   tinkerbell2

    Wow, as distinguishing marks go those are pretty effective. Not too many one-thumbed sea-captains round my way, so if I spot one I’ll be sure to call it in.

    Sep 25, 2009 at 3:35 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   analogeyser

      Sea-captain-dude traded the guns to Bubba the Plastic Surgeon, so…

      Now you’ll never spot Cap’, Ahab unless you see Jolly Roger Ebert and what looks like his identical twin walking side by side.

      Hint: If Roger only had one thumb too they could still go on with the show…

      Sep 25, 2009 at 7:36 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   Vandal67

      I’ll bet Fred the Sea Cap’n must shoot left-handed.

      Sep 26, 2009 at 12:22 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.3   eXo

      yea – that confirms it. analogeyser is a damn spam-bot.

      Sep 29, 2009 at 11:08 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   Kelly

    So… who else will never, ever be moving out of suburbia?

    Sep 25, 2009 at 3:57 am   rating: 25  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   techimpaired

      Holy Crap! I vote team Never Leaving The City.
      Does anyone else think these signs should come with a dueling banjo soundtrack?

      Sep 25, 2009 at 4:03 am   rating: 37  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   GK bang

      I don’t live in the city as it is, but I certainly will never, ever be moving to the U.S.A. after this. Well, OK, I never was in the first place. Well… look, I didn’t expect some sort of Redneck Inquisition!

      Sep 25, 2009 at 4:30 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.3   Bunnee

      No one ever expects the Redneck Inqisition!!!

      Sep 25, 2009 at 8:45 am   rating: 36  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.4   T imo® bang

      NOBODY expects the Redneck Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise…surprise and fear…fear and surprise…. Our two weapons are fear and surprise…and ruthless lethargy…. Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless Lethargy…and an almost fanatical devotion to NASCAR…. Our *four*…no… *Amongst* our weapons…. Amongst our weaponry…are such elements as fear, surprise…. I’ll come in again.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 9:11 am   rating: 79  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.5   Bunnee

      This is why I lurves me some Timo!

      Sep 25, 2009 at 9:17 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.6   T imo® bang

      ♥ Bunnee!

      Sep 25, 2009 at 11:03 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.7   oi!

      Timo gets thumbs up!

      Sep 25, 2009 at 11:15 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.8   Brooser

      But not from that sea captain…

      Sep 27, 2009 at 3:20 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   techimpaired

    I think I’m most creeped out by the 2 of the 3 opossums sharing the 1 head that got run over. I would have aimed my car for that sucker too if I saw something like that come towards me on a dark road at night.

    Sep 25, 2009 at 4:08 am   rating: 56  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Dang it,Those possums were my babies meat for the day. (snuffs out a Marlboro in an empty Mt.Dew can)

      Sep 25, 2009 at 9:43 am   rating: 21  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   Woman on the Verge bang

      Don’t worry, ‘rilla, I saw a squirrel back about half a mile…

      Sep 25, 2009 at 9:46 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.3   Phalange

      I thought it was a single opossum with 3 heads. Like Cerberus, only not as cool.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 2:03 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   park rose

    Those looking for the culprit responsible for running down the two-headed squirming opossum should look no further than Fred – the robber of guns, the former sea captain, the former friend.

    It’s hell trying to text when you’re missing a thumb, and hell to drive when your peg-leg can’t distinguish the clutch from the brake from the accelerator.

    Sep 25, 2009 at 4:26 am   rating: 59  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   GK bang

      Mystery solved once again, thanks to Plucky Girl Detective park rose!

      Sep 25, 2009 at 4:32 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   Kelly

      Hey, some of us have gotten very good at typing with our tongues. And the improved dexterity has done wonders for my love life.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 4:38 am   rating: 23  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.3   park rose

      I read all about it at comment 1.1, you old parselmouth you.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 4:58 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.4   GK bang

      Did you use a white towel to clean up? Or did you ask for a rag?

      Sep 25, 2009 at 5:09 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.5   analogeyser

      White towel for the White Album…

      Happiness is a Warm Gun!

      We know Mother Superior jumped the gun, John
      But who the heck jumped Mother Superior?

      Sep 25, 2009 at 7:40 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.6   T imo® bang

      Band bang, shoot shoot.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 9:07 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   JetJackson

    I hate possums! They are a pest here in oz. On grade 10 school camp I was asleep under the stars and woke up to one chewing on my hand so I hit the bastard with a water bottle… mobile phones hadn’t been invented yet.

    Sep 25, 2009 at 5:13 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   park rose bang

      Are you sure you’re not a Kiwi, Jet?
      That sounds like Kiwi-talk to me, and you did a pretty good impression the other day.
      Who could hate this?
      PS: If mobile phones had been invented, you could have held it to the cute, furry marsupial’s head and given it brain cancer. That would have learned it. Or hold on… it didn’t happen to gnaw off your thumb, did it?

      Sep 25, 2009 at 5:18 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   felix

      I’m a Kiwi and I like possums – never understood why the rest of my countrymen don’t.

      They reckon possums destroy the bush but when I look around I reckon it’s the sheep who’ve done most of that.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 5:38 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.3   JetJackson

      I have a scar on my finger from it… I think I slept through a fair bit of the gnawing… I’m a deep sleeper.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 5:53 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.4   anglophile bang

      Look, there’s a big difference from your antipodean possum and the North American opossum. Opossums aren’t cute or cuddly. They are like giant dumb rats and are remarkably easy to run over.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 10:20 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.5   MAMARILLA2 bang

      The joke goes..
      Why did the chicken cross the road.
      To show the possum that it could be done…

      Sep 25, 2009 at 10:37 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.6   flying fish

      hmmmm,
      maybe the oppossum took your baby…

      Sep 25, 2009 at 12:31 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.7   MAMARILLA2 bang

      The Dingoes took my baby,
      The raccoons and blue jays took the food from my campsite,
      The squirrels took your nuts, and the ‘possum took its life by jumping in front of a car in a fit of depression over its appearance.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 12:52 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.8   flying fish

      how come i always want to give opossum 2 p’s ??

      Sep 25, 2009 at 1:22 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.9   park rose

      Thanks, ‘glo. I had wondered (but hadn’t bothered to look it up). Possums aren’t really cuddly either. Both marsupials though.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 2:51 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   felix

    Hey look, they misspelled “coloreds”.

    Sep 25, 2009 at 5:34 am   rating: 29  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   T imo® bang

      “colors” as in motorcycle club colors. But this as an explanation is unfunny so move along nothing to see here.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 11:05 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.2   Lauren

      I assumed “colors” referred to gang colors — no red to represent Bloods, etc.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 1:41 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.3   Canthz_B bang

      I strongly believe they meant both, or all three.
      That sign reads as “Whites Only” to some people.

      Let me put it this way…they couldn’t get me in that place if they offered me a cowboy hat, free beer and two Japanese whores!

      If I were to chance it, I’d be leaving at the first “YEE HAW”, that’s for damned sure!!

      Sep 26, 2009 at 12:45 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.4   Car RamRod

      I wouldn’t read into it that much. I was down at Fort Benning for a while, which is in Columbus, GA, a really scummy redneck town that wouldn’t exist if not for the base. I went out to the bars around there a few times, and I can tell you it wasn’t exactly up to the standard I had become accustomed to growing up in and around NYC, but alot of the places had those signs about colors. I asked one of the bouncers what the deal was with that, and he simply explained they have alot of wannabe gangbangers in the south, white and black, and they don’t need that shit in their bar. Having been a bouncer myself, I can understand where they’re coming from. One weird thing though is it seems to be a uniquely southern phenomenon that one can’t wear a plain white t-shirt into alot of bars, as it seems this is also a gang sign down there.

      Sep 26, 2009 at 11:15 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.5   Wade bang

      And nothing says hardcore gangbanger like Plain White T’s. :P

      Sep 26, 2009 at 1:06 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.6   Canthz_B bang

      No plain white T’s, but “wife-beaters” are welcome, however.
      You can always tell a “Good ol’ Boy” by his uniform.

      Sep 27, 2009 at 11:53 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.7   GK bang

      So, basically you need to be an expert on all possible gangs and their “uniforms” before you can even decide what to wear to this place? Wow, that sounds really tedious. Of course, my idea of fashion consciousness is to wear the first things that fall out of the wardrobe, but still.

      Sep 28, 2009 at 3:00 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.8   park rose

      Aslan never goes out of style.

      Sep 28, 2009 at 6:56 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   April

    As someone who lives in Tennessee, I will say screw the oppossums and this is coming from a vegetarian. These things get in your garbage at night and hiss at you. They are always in the road and getting run over. They are pests.

    My mother lives in rural and I mean rural Alabama. It can be an adventure going to visit her at times. Heck I live outside a largeish city in Tn and it can be an adventure just going to the local Walmart. I don’t think big city folks have any idea how interesting and sometimes scary it can be out in the country.

    Sep 25, 2009 at 5:58 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   Gunderson105

      I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals, I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 6:59 am   rating: 61  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.2   Woman on the Verge bang

      Um… You live in Tennessee and screw opossums?

      I’m a little scared of you.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 9:01 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.3   Clarissa

      Finally! Someone got it right!

      Sep 25, 2009 at 9:20 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.4   T imo® bang

      April is putting on the Barry White CD and hanging from a branch to get “in the mood”.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 11:07 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.5   lin

      they are acting like that because people took over their living space. people are the biggest pests, not animals. you’re quite an idiot, april.

      Nov 8, 2009 at 9:07 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   Chicken Underwear

    That is why I say, “If I can’t get there by subway, I ain’t going.”

    Sep 25, 2009 at 6:03 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   GhostWriter bang

      If I can’t eat there at Subway, I ain’t going.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 9:48 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.2   anglophile bang

      GW, if there’s one thing you can find near every truck stop or gas station or every small town in rural America, it’s a Subway. The $5 foot-long reigns supreme.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 10:25 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.3   GhostWriter bang

      Well then, I’m there!

      Sep 25, 2009 at 11:09 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.4   MAMARILLA2 bang

      This is the best way to buy the lot lizard the dinner you may have promised her.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 11:33 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.5   mamason bang

      “The $5 foot-long reigns supreme.” :-|

      That’s what she said.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 11:14 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   Tyler

    A two-headed possum? I’d run over it too! But really, who sits around waiting for possums to get hit.

    Sep 25, 2009 at 6:17 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Some one looking to make roadkill stew. Gotta get em while theys fresh kills.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 10:16 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   KatieMB

      Hmmm stew….

      *said in her best Homer Simpson voice*

      Sep 25, 2009 at 5:46 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   Dagny

    Is Tom Turkey a relative? A friend? Or was this sign some kind of sick redneck furry John Dear letter?

    tsk tsk tsk.

    Sep 25, 2009 at 6:32 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   Gandalf

      Maybe the sign maker has been hanging with John Barleycorn?

      Sep 25, 2009 at 10:30 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   tbunnyacox

      it was actually a john deere letter.

      Sep 28, 2009 at 12:24 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   unholyghost2003 bang

    The scary one is the sencond note. aAron L is in for a little backwoods justice.

    Sep 25, 2009 at 6:50 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   analogeyser

      Doc Welby, the County Coroner, twitched the pencil point on a handy piece of 120 grit, gently licked the point to remove any abraded residue, and calmly completed the C.O.D. box with, “Decedent expired from White Line Fever, exogenous.”

      Doc’s Momma di’n't raise no fools…

      Ever’body knew Aaron’s momma-in-law drove long haul and had a mean streak longer’n a 40-foot trailer

      Sep 25, 2009 at 7:52 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.2   flying fish

      personally, I don’t feel much sympathy for aAron L. He obviously drives drunk regularly, putting not only other people at danger, but all those oppossums as well.

      and everyone knows that if you’re too drunk, you make the kid drive, jeez.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 12:36 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   biteme

    why hasn’t any commented yet on the note about calling the wife in lieu of the cops if the dude is seen “driving drunk with her grandkids”???( complete with phone#!!!) And why haven’t the cops taken the sign down, is what I’m wondering??

    Sep 25, 2009 at 6:51 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   unholyghost2003 bang

      aww biteme. You are city folk arn’t you? The cops haven’t taken the sign down because Blind Eyes are the only kind of eyes country cops have for that sort of thing. It is doubtful that the sign was left by Aaron’s wife, more likely it was left by his mother-in-law. When someone calls Aaron’s mother-in-law she will show up, grab the kids, and then all of his wife’s male relatives will beat the ever loving shit out of Aaron.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 7:19 am   rating: 38  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   Bunnee

      Well, he is the breadwinner of the family, with his can recycling “business”, so she can’t have him locked up in the pokey, now can she? My guess is that if he is still in the act of driving when she spots him, she will throw a possum or two in the road to slow him down and then grab the kids and send him on his weaving way.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 8:55 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.3   Woman on the Verge bang

      It does say, “Don’t call cop’s call me” …

      So what do the cops call her? I wouldn’t want to offend her, she might let Aaron take my kids for a ride.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 9:04 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.4   girl troll doll

      Or it’s Aaron’s father-in-law and he’s finally going to get the chance to use the shot gun he bought for the occasion of his daughter’s wedding.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 9:15 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.5   MAMARILLA2 bang

      The main reason that she don’t want the cops called is cause he has a mobile meth lab in the trunk and if the cops get him they take the kids off to the CPS..then on to foster , Mama still got some time to do on the county work farm for the felony Hot check rap she got.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 11:39 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.6   Canthz_B bang

      Not to mention that the meth lab profits are a nice supplement to her Social Security checks.

      Sep 26, 2009 at 1:11 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   Woman on the Verge bang

    All unattended children will be given a dead two-headed opossum and a $3 towel. They will be stripped and forced to wear a cowboy hat while Fred, the one-thumbed sea captain texts Aaron to get his drink on and pick them up.

    Huh… sorry. I guess I had a flashback.

    Sep 25, 2009 at 9:08 am   rating: 29  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   GK bang

      That sounds like Claw’s last date.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 9:22 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.2   oi!

      I have a feeling that GK is fascinated by Claw.

      *not that there is anything wrong with that*

      Sep 25, 2009 at 11:18 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.3   GK bang

      In the same way that one is fascinated by a train wreck, sure.

      I wonder where he went, anyway? Holiday? Prison? Hole in the ground? I think we need to enlist the services of Plucky Girl Detective park rose.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 11:24 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   GhostWriter bang

    While I was driving by reading the sign about the opossums, I hit another opossum.

    Sep 25, 2009 at 9:11 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   Bunnee

      They’re everywhere!

      No, seriously, they are everywhere. At a former workplace, a possum had her babies underneath our building. They somehow found their way into the building and were scurrying everywhere. *shivers* Blech. Dirty, filthy vermin running all over a bank lobby. Good times….

      Sep 25, 2009 at 9:22 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.2   KatieMB

      Whew, one less for me to hit…

      Sep 25, 2009 at 6:37 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   T imo® bang

    A sea captain, wearing a cowboy hat, who lost his thumb in a dally roping accident, walks into a bar with a guy named Aaron and a two headed opossum.

    Sep 25, 2009 at 9:16 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   Woman on the Verge bang

      Oh, wait, I think I know this one!

      Doesn’t it end with Fred texting Tom Turkey while driving drunk with his grandkids?

      Sep 25, 2009 at 9:40 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.2   Commentator

      “I’ll have what he’s having!”

      Sep 25, 2009 at 3:33 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   Mrs. HorribleLicensePlates

    I was okay until “squirm”

    Sep 25, 2009 at 9:17 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   GhostWriter bang

    I’ll bet that when they finally find the Captain, a handsome prince will gingerly take a severed thumb out of a beautiful box, and lovingly place it next to the Captain’s hand, to see if it fits.

    If it does, they all live happily ever after.

    Sep 25, 2009 at 9:35 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   Woman on the Verge bang

      Don’t you mean a beautiful opossum? I think I’ve seen a squirmy one with two slightly flattened heads wandering drunk and texting whilst carrying a severed thumb….

      Sep 25, 2009 at 9:42 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #20   Clarissa

    Wow! Is anyone else scared?

    Sep 25, 2009 at 9:38 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   Sheepish bang

    I returned Tom Turkey to you in the form of the turkey club sandwiches I provided for the ‘Redneck Summer Games’

    Sep 25, 2009 at 9:40 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   GhostWriter bang

    Somebody should shovel-up one of the possums, slip a baby t-shirt on it, hang it from a tree, and write “FED” on the shirt.
    Prank!

    Sep 25, 2009 at 9:41 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   BillsBayou

      @GhostWriter: Thoroughly offensive and yet timely. I rate this 3-stars.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 9:48 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.2   GK bang

      “FED”?

      Sep 25, 2009 at 11:20 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.3   unholyghost2003 bang

      Since you are not American GK
      here is a little explaination
      though now they are saying that he might not have had anything written on him and it might have been suicide, not homicide.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 11:32 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.4   GK bang

      Census Bureau Director Bob Groves said in a written statement that Sparkman was a “shining example of the hard-working men and women the Census Bureau has in the field.”

      “He decomposes with the best of them”, Groves was heard to comment.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 11:34 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.5   flying fish

      wow, i hadn’t heard about that.
      i almost got shot while working for the census bureau in 2000.
      very scary, never had a shotgun pointed at me before.
      squatters are not big fans of census takers.
      really not cool to almost get shot for a part-time gig.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 1:17 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.6   unholyghost2003 bang

      Yeah, IF it was murder and IF they really wrote “FED” on him I would find it more likely that he stumbled on a Meth lab than Joe Citizen took issue with his census questions.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 1:33 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.7   Clumber

      22.3 wait wait wait a dern-gum minute there. So he wasn’t wearing “FED” and it might not have been homicide… Well hell, did he even work for the census bureau? Was he even in the state? Did he exist at all? I mean, those are some rather important details to have changed… Was he actually a woman named Myra found taking a bath in her hottub over on Jakob Avenue? No one died, no one was found swinging?

      gah!!!

      Sep 28, 2009 at 11:49 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   BillsBayou

    “…guns don’t kill possums…”

    Opossum. In North America, we have opossums. No “possums” here.

    If you insist, use an apostrophe when omitting the “O” to demonstrate the vernacular omission.
    As such: ‘Possum

    The proper cleaning and use of rags note is more of a necessary note than a passive-aggressive one. The others are just funny! I’ll be sure to wear my cowboy hat more often (once I buy one, that is).

    Sep 25, 2009 at 9:43 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   Melodie

      Alternatively, you can use the O *and* the apostrophe, as a gentle nod to our Irish friends.

      They called him Seamus O’Possum.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 11:46 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.2   bowloftoast bang

      This rule can also be applied to many here at PAN, myself included:
      bowl o’ftoast
      Mel o’die
      angl o’phile
      (and my personal favorite)
      anal o’geyser
      etc.

      Erin go Bragh!

      Sep 25, 2009 at 1:14 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.3   flying fish

      I’ve never actually heard anyone in the USA call it an opossum, unless they were speaking/writing in an official capacity.
      i myself go back and forth; sometimes opossum, sometimes possum.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 1:19 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.4   Dagny

      I think I love you.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 1:36 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.5   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Thank you. If you hear opossum out here, it is ussually “OH, possum…”

      Sep 25, 2009 at 1:42 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.6   Dagny

      Do you mean “Ohhhhh, possum…that feels so good?” or “OH, possum…I ran it over”?

      Sep 25, 2009 at 3:59 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.7   ndenunz

      The o is silent just like the p in swimming.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 4:08 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.8   mamason bang

      Oh, possum… it’s what’s for dinner.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 11:27 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.9   amy d bang

      O possum, where art thou?

      Sep 29, 2009 at 8:52 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.10   MAMARILLA2 bang

      No thank you, Delmar. One third of a possum would only arouse my appetite without bedding it down.
      Oh, you can have the whole thing. Me and Pete already had one apiece. We ran across a whole… possum village.

      Sep 29, 2009 at 9:05 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   GhostWriter bang

    In this case, “cowboy hat” is a local vernacular for “condom.”

    Sep 25, 2009 at 9:52 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   Lisa

    What’s the world coming to when a body can’t sport a beanie whenever and wherever they damn well please?

    Sep 25, 2009 at 10:15 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   MAMARILLA2 bang

      With a spinner on top?

      Sep 25, 2009 at 10:27 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #26   KPod

    None of these notes qualify even remotely as passive-aggressive. They are all keenly aggressive. Not only do they invoke violence (“come break your arms”), they actually provide authors’ names and/or phone numbers. One can hardly be considered P-A if one signs ones notes, right?

    Sep 25, 2009 at 11:09 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   anglophile bang

      Would you categorize any of these notes as “hilariously hostile”, KPod?

      You need to do a little remedial reading.

      :roll:

      Sep 25, 2009 at 11:18 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.2   snail

      Passive does not mean anonymous.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 11:24 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.3   KPod

      Only Tom Turkey makes the needle on my personal HH meter twitch.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 9:41 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #27   Comrade Masha G.

    Why do they assume that the death of the opossums had anything to do with cell phone use, or were even an accident in the first place? For some of us, hitting opossums with cars is the sole source of enjoyment in our lives. It sure beats spending $3 on towels.

    Sep 25, 2009 at 12:35 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   anglophile bang

      What makes the opossum such an enjoyable road kill is that it is big enough to make a really satisfying thump, unlike a squirrel, and yet isn’t big enough to do serious damage like a deer. What is even better than a possum, though, is a duck, because you get both the thump and then a flurry of feathers. Also, the relative rarity of a duck vs opossum adds the the feeling of accomplishment.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 1:46 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.2   BrookeDiz

      Plus, that last quack is hilarious.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 3:43 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.3   Neeners

      Well because, that note is written by a resident of Possum Flats, Kentucky and the favorite pastime there is to buy a case of Keystone, set up a lawn chair and watch the possums cross the road. It’s even more fun if they are squirming in the road though.

      One question, I thought possums were nocturnal so how could the notewriter have seen them squirming in the dark unless they were there and did it themselves?

      Sep 25, 2009 at 3:51 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.4   park rose bang

      He who quacks last quacks longest.

      Sep 25, 2009 at 8:27 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.5   GK bang

      That quacks me up! :-D

      Sep 28, 2009 at 2:55 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #28   bowloftoast bang

    The first is a disturbing example of how the internet is causing cultural ‘cross-contamination’…
    Barely literate rube in the southern US stumbles a PSA created in the UK admonishing texting while driving, and the automatic assumption is that that’s the reason why the highways are now littered with headless, squirming opossums.
    The more likely causes include: Distraction while fishing around under the seat of the truck for the opener, rolling a two-paper joint while at the wheel, or, searching the glove compartment for Alan Jackson cassettes.

    Sep 25, 2009 at 1:43 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #29   flying fish

    ya know, considering where that 5th note must be posted, ‘attire’ may be beyond most of the patrons.

    Sep 25, 2009 at 2:46 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   Neeners

    I think I just hit a fourth opossum while I was passing by trying to read that sign…. don’t worry this one wasn’t squirming.

    Sep 25, 2009 at 3:43 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #30.1   Clarissa

      One, two or three headed?

      Sep 25, 2009 at 9:47 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #31   Stream of bat's piss

    Tom the Turkey was fucking delicious

    Sep 25, 2009 at 3:54 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #32   Neeners

    5th sign had a page two that said:

    No colors of any kind: no asians, no irish, no english, no spaniards or mexicans, no hawaiians, no japanese, no hindus, no saudi arabians, no indians, no canadians, no dutch, no swiss, no french, no germans, no eyetalians, no cubans, no jamaicans, no russians, no czechslavakiwhatevers, AND FOR GOD SAKE NO TEXANS….. on and on but they ran out of room and more paper.

    Sep 25, 2009 at 3:58 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #33   Queen of the World

    The possums asked for it. Asked for it, I tell ya.

    Sep 25, 2009 at 6:17 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #34   Clarissa

    So… The fifth sign… Is it for a Black&White Cowboy party?

    Sep 25, 2009 at 9:53 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #35   Canthz_B bang

    See? New jobs are being created. Rags Hatfield got a job polishing guns!

    PLEASE ASK for Rags, and don’t forget to tip. If you can’t afford to tip Rags, you should buy your meat at a supermarket or eat at McDonald’s!

    Sep 26, 2009 at 12:33 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #36   prizebig.ru

    What will happen to scholarship money that is left over from college tuition?

    Sep 26, 2009 at 5:25 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #37   Lisa

    Maybe it’s the Oposoms who should look on the road!

    Isn’t a car with headlights easier to spot at night than an unlit oposom?

    Sep 26, 2009 at 2:19 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #37.1   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Headlights are merely an attractor..Just ask any deer. ( the smart ones that is) Any possum with the headlights on it are pretty lit up, They have some evil eyeshine that pulls you toward them.

      Sep 26, 2009 at 5:54 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #38   Eliza

    I do feel sorry for the state trooper with his one-thumbed ex-friend…:-(

    Sep 26, 2009 at 4:29 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #39   ourbig.ru

    It sounds like that when you are looking

    Sep 27, 2009 at 1:54 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #39.1   GK bang

      So’s your face.

      Sep 28, 2009 at 2:53 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #40   pilgrimchick

    There’s taking matters into your own hands for you. I wonder if Tom Turkey made a mysterious reappearance.

    Sep 27, 2009 at 2:34 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #41   Wordtinker doesnt smith bang

    I must say, that has to be the best use of a 4X8 sheet of OSB I’ve seen in a while.

    Sep 27, 2009 at 8:28 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #41.1   MAMARILLA2 bang

      He probably had a few left over from when he did that add on to his mobile home…

      Sep 29, 2009 at 6:38 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #42   GhostWriter bang

    Lt. Harris: “We’re looking for a gun thief with only one thumb, named ‘Fred.’”
    Sgt. Mahoney: “What’s the name of his other thumb?”

    Sep 28, 2009 at 10:39 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #43   FunFunRahRah bang

    Dead wildlife with a “Rite to Live” raises some interesting possibilities. But it looks like the sign writer had second thoughts about two-headed zombie opossums terrorising the backwoods of America.

    Sep 29, 2009 at 5:22 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #44   amy d bang

    I didn’t say anything, mister.

    Sep 29, 2009 at 8:32 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #45   Lori @ Wife. Mom. Artist. Geek.

    I have seen the Tom Turkey sign!!! I passed it during the summer of ’08–it was either in Tennessee or Georgia!

    Nov 12, 2009 at 2:14 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #46   Roadside intervention | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com

    [...] Won’t somebody think o’ the ’possums? [...]

    Dec 26, 2010 at 9:04 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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