This good-humored e-mail was send out to the entire staff of an elementary school…IN HELL!
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related: What would Jesus do for a Klondike bar?
Sympathy for the Devil
October 4th, 2009 · 146 comments
FILED UNDER: all-staff e-mail · God · guilt trip · ice cream · schools & teachers · stealing · you're like so going to hell
146 responses so far ↓
#1
pony girl
I don’t think you’re supposed to pray for the devil
Oct 4, 2009 at 9:44 pm rating: 55
#2
Meewunk
Mmmm, a good healthy dose of guilt. Love it!
Oct 4, 2009 at 9:51 pm rating: 1
#3
PunkyPower
Of course the devil took it – it’s hot down there.
Oct 4, 2009 at 9:55 pm rating: 28
#4
jc
Everyone knows the devil likes the nuts on top.
Oct 4, 2009 at 9:56 pm rating: 25
#5
Dan M
Aw common, they all just thought there was free ice cream. I know I would have!
In other news, I wonder if the writer bothered to look in the freezer? Ice cream goes in the freezer, and maybe someone moved it there.
Oct 4, 2009 at 9:58 pm rating: 31
#6
famous_lizzy
I love how it started out as a crime against the writer, then a crime against god, then a crime against the children. Maybe, if one or two of the guilt trips didn’t work, that third one would make the thief’s heart melt?
Personally, if you’re going to bring something delicious, and it’s for the children, then you should probably put a note on it. or cover the box in ants.
Oct 4, 2009 at 10:03 pm rating: 28
#7
Bcteagirl
Congratulations on scoring well on the test! Have some diabetes!
The note writer should just look for someone who suddenly starts storing insulin in the fridge. The rest is up to her.
Oct 4, 2009 at 10:11 pm rating: 8
#8
El Diablo Loco
Mmm, stolen Fudgy Goodness!
Oct 4, 2009 at 10:16 pm rating: 2
#9
JetJackson
In all fairness by the religious overtone in this note it sounds like these ice cream cones would have been transubstantiated into the body of christ for a lesson on the Eucharist…
Satan saw this coming and handed them out to the children before they could be used as a vehicle for conversion.
Oct 4, 2009 at 10:25 pm rating: 21
#10
MisterDNA
Are there any statistics available on the effectiveness of prayer against workplace food theft? “I’ll be praying for you” seems to be a common theme (along with “Enjoy… I spit in it!”), but I can only imagine a dastardly food thief snatching some goodies from the fridge, thinking, “Go ahead and pray for me… I’ll eat for you!”
Oct 4, 2009 at 10:25 pm rating: 8
#11
Kevin
So she lives at the school, too!? Thieves, the devil and living in an educational facility? I’d say those brokenhearted kids are the least of her worries!
Peace & Prayers!
Oct 4, 2009 at 10:28 pm rating: 3
#12
Pierre
How evil is she to offer ice cream with nuts to kids? They could have all died from their peanut allergies. How deliciously evil!
Oct 4, 2009 at 10:30 pm rating: 7
#13
Neeners
I suppose instead of going and getting another box of ice cream for $3.59 at the local store, the God fearing instructor told the kids,
“Well, I had a special treat for those of you who passed your standardized tests but unfortunately THE DEVIL took them.”
Oct 4, 2009 at 10:36 pm rating: 18
#14
PeaceLoveFood
You did well on a basic assessment test. Let me give you an external reward which contains at least 3 of the US’ top 8 allergens, is full of sugars and fats, has zero nutritive or educational value, and re-enforces the societal message that eating and feeling good about yourself go hand in hand. Basically, I’ll set you up to be overweight, diabetic, emotional eaters with no internal motivation to do what you are supposed to. But it isn’t my fault–you children decided on it.
Oct 4, 2009 at 10:41 pm rating: 28
#15
leftfoot
Teachers aren’t paid enough to not steal.
Oct 4, 2009 at 10:46 pm rating: 11
#16
Will
this person is clearly crazy, but as a former teacher, I can tell you that stealing food at a school where it could very well be for students is particularly douchey.
Oct 4, 2009 at 10:50 pm rating: 4
#17
Neeners
Sounds like this person is used to this happening,and enjoys being the martyr. They probably enjoy a good dose of self flagellation to keep themselves in good moral standing.
Why else if this ‘keeps happening’ do they continue to buy the delicious nutty fudgy ice cream for the devil? Could they have made a deal with the Satan? I thought he liked Choco Tacos.
Oct 4, 2009 at 10:53 pm rating: 12
#18
hellocello
I bet this person also enjoys having sex with people not married to them… aka fornication.
Oct 4, 2009 at 10:58 pm rating: 2
#19
Captain Obvious
Ah! This is in “Good Humor” because the person who has been deprived of fudge-y nutty ice cream is likening the thief to the devil. This may be construed as irony because its not the “Christian” way!
Oh a chuckle feels so delightful.
Oct 4, 2009 at 11:16 pm rating: 3
#20
Powdered Toast Man
Notice the note says the ice cream was for the students who ‘did well on the test’. Those other students who did poorly would get to sit and watch everyone eat theirs. The ice cream thief was actually doing those students a service. The teacher sucks. Everyone deserves an ice cream for having to put up with you and your stupid academic assessment that separates those who do well from those who don’t.
Oct 4, 2009 at 11:18 pm rating: 10
#21
Vlad the impaler
The good humor ice cream cones with fudge in the middle were covered with fecal mist! I will pray for you, as food poisoning is likely imminent for the sinner who ate the children’s rewards.
Make sure when you throw up in the teachers lounge to do it in the trashcan. The toilets can’t handle BIG JOBS like throw up.
Don’t forget to sign up with Casey in Human Resources for the Jim Jones themed Thanksgiving party. Please bring diet Kool-Aid as some ppl can’t have sugar.
THX Sandra
Oct 4, 2009 at 11:23 pm rating: 10
#22
DC
I love the “I’ll pray for you” part the most. So patronizing that I’m sure all who saw this note were cheering “Satan” on.
Oct 5, 2009 at 12:18 am rating: 3
#23
nini
I hope the “worst” students, the ones who knew they were going to fail their stupid test, went to town and ate all that ice cream!
Oct 5, 2009 at 12:23 am rating: 6
#24
aaa
I was raised to not lie, cheat, or steal. But somehow I do anyway.
Oct 5, 2009 at 1:17 am rating: 7
#25
Susan
“now, I have broken-hearted students…”
This sounds like an exaggeration, but I’ll bet she made them feel her misery! I wonder if any of them cried after she spoke to them about this in class. That would probably have been better than the note itself…
Oct 5, 2009 at 2:38 am rating: 4
#26
Luxor
Thats what she gets for using food as a reward. Kids these days are fat enough as it is.
Oct 5, 2009 at 3:01 am rating: 3
#27
LinLorienelen
Who’s the asshole who keeps leaving such delicious ice cream in the fridge?
Oct 5, 2009 at 3:02 am rating: 8
#28
Canthz_B
Where are they now?
Flip Wilson is an elementary school teacher.
“The Devil made me buy this dress.” has become “The Devil made me eat your ice cream.”
Oct 5, 2009 at 3:33 am rating: 0
#29
Say-Aunts Transmission
“The entire unopened box is missing from the staff lounge refrigerator.”
Wait….Wait….I’m getting a signal from the other side….Aunt Pheobe tells me she can’t reveal the identity of the thief….but….but….it’s faint….there is another voice….it’s Aunt Thelma and she’s talking in a kind of cackling voice about how she never would have believed that you could taste fudge after you’re dead….and Thelma says she’s eaten all of them but one, and you can have that one just as soon as you can pry it from her cold…. wait….wait….no that’s all…she’s gone.
Oct 5, 2009 at 4:23 am rating: 3
#30
Wade
Now, now. The notewriter was just applying her devotional reading from that morning:
“Your enemy the devil prowls around the staff lounge refrigerator like a roaring lion, seeking some Good Humor ice cream cones to devour.”
1 Peter 5:8 (New Passive-Aggressive Version)
Oct 5, 2009 at 6:09 am rating: 10
#31
Renagade676
I’m assuming this was a public freezer.
Maybe the whole staff helped themselves to it, seeing that nobody left a note saying who the ice cream was for.
I hope she doesn’t teach English too – her kids might never learn to spell-check! Her grammar was awful.
Oct 5, 2009 at 7:34 am rating: 3
#32
Critical Grass
Argh! Please stop! That name should only be spoken in prayer!
The fact that a people write that note defiling Devils’ name makes me sick to my stomach.
Oct 5, 2009 at 8:09 am rating: 9
#33
anglophile
Well, over all, I’m going to give her a B-.
The melodramatic tone was perfectly expressed, but her odd use of ellipses and capitalization and failure to properly hyphenate broken-hearted detracted from the whole.
Oct 5, 2009 at 8:20 am rating: 8
#34
unholyghost2003
Has she checked the big industrial freezers in the cafeteria? Those drumsticks boxes are GI-NORMUS and can easily take up the entirety of the freezer in the home size, freezer on top Refregerator/Freezer models.
Rather than assuming supernatural forces are stealing frozen treats she should keep her eyes peeled for signs reading:
“To the jackass who keeps filling the faculty fridge/freezer with treats for her class,
I moved your Ice Cream to the Caf, AGAIN. QUIT PUTTING YOUR CLASSROOM TREATS IN HERE. When you made room for that pan of brownies (WTF? Why do brownies need to be refrigerated?) you left Sue Langstaff’s insulin sitting on the counter. Now you are leaving nasty notes about “stolen” Ice Cream? Read your faculty handbook, it says right in there that classroom treats need to be stored in the cafeteria refrigerators.
Do this again and I am going to tell Principal Feindorf instead of moving them.”
Oct 5, 2009 at 8:46 am rating: 12
#35
Critical Grass
Please allow me to introduce myself
I’m a man of wealth and taste
Ive been around the elementary school
Stole many children’s ice cream
My favorite is the crispy one
But I’ll go for the fudgy ones too
Made damn sure that I stole them all
Didn’t wash my hands or brushed my teeth
Pleased to meet you
I know you were well raised
But stealing, lying and cheating
Is the nature of my game
Oct 5, 2009 at 8:59 am rating: 15
#36
hibousoir
Don’t worry, Good Humor victim! There are always plenty of nuts in the elementary education system to be enjoyed!
Oct 5, 2009 at 9:39 am rating: 2
#37
Roxanne
“entire staff of an elementary school…IN HELL!”
Hell, Missouri, no difference!
Oct 5, 2009 at 9:47 am rating: 0
#38
Jenny
Wait, no “Those Good Humor Ice Cream Cones with nuts were Fuckin Delicious”???
Oct 5, 2009 at 10:04 am rating: 4
#39
unholyghost2003
Am I the only one bothered that this teacher is giving out treats to kids who scored well on the MAP R assesment? The MAP R assessment is intended to figure out where kids are as far as reading comprehension and ability to apply abstract concepts as well as helping suss out learning disabilities like dyslexia. It isn’t the sort of test that you can study for where hard work can make up for a lack of natural aptitude.
Oct 5, 2009 at 10:06 am rating: 9
#40
When Is Recess?
Anyone else here have the deja-vu-like feeling that this teacher is being observed, assessed, graded on some scale, and not doing very well at all?
Oct 5, 2009 at 10:43 am rating: 5
#41
Mom of 3
I don’t about anyone else, but my child’s school is a “nut free environment” (insert your puns here please, because I’m exhausted by the whole concept), and therefore, items such as these Good Humor cones would be strictly forbidden, and thrown away as soon as they were found.
Oct 5, 2009 at 12:54 pm rating: 1
#42
Silhouette
This is textbook PAN. If you have a friend who doesn’t ‘get’ what you are laughing about when reading this site, direct them to this one.
Although one clearly agrees that it is wrong to steal the person’s belongings, the note switches all one’s ire against the note-writer.
Oct 5, 2009 at 4:03 pm rating: 0
#43
Critical Grass
Keep your dick beaters off my fudge-y nutty ice cream!
Oct 5, 2009 at 4:43 pm rating: 2
#44
pemdas
On what planet does this teacher teach? In my school district you can’t hand out as much as a stick of gum. Ice cream drum sticks? I sure as h3ll don’t want to teach those kids after they have all that chocolate.
Oct 5, 2009 at 6:14 pm rating: 0
#45
Gretal
“Broken hearted” seems like a wee bit of a stretch….
Oct 5, 2009 at 6:23 pm rating: 1
#46
heather em
The scariest thing about this punctuation abomination is the fact that the person who wrote it is “teaching” our children.
::shudder::
p.s.) Those cones were not for the kids, and we all know it.
Oct 5, 2009 at 9:10 pm rating: 3
#47
InYourSleep
What were they for then? the black market?
Oct 6, 2009 at 8:36 pm rating: 0
#48
pony girl
Yeah, he/she was going to sell them to all the stoners out in the parking lot.
Teachers don’t make much, they gotta pay the bills somehow.
Oct 6, 2009 at 9:25 pm rating: 0
#49 Ellipses overload! | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com
[...] related: sympathy for the devil [...]
Mar 16, 2010 at 1:08 pm rating: 0
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