Sympathy for the Devil

October 4th, 2009 · 146 comments

This good-humored e-mail was send out to the entire staff of an elementary school…IN HELL!

(click the image below to enlarge)

Turns out she was a vampire herself

related: What would Jesus do for a Klondike bar?

FILED UNDER: all-staff e-mail · God · guilt trip · ice cream · schools & teachers · stealing · you're like so going to hell


146 responses so far ↓

  • #1   pony girl

    I don’t think you’re supposed to pray for the devil

    Oct 4, 2009 at 9:44 pm   rating: 55  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Austintatious Teas

      However, we ought to light a candle or hold up a glow stick for the janitor with the Van Halen t-shirt, especially since there are lyrics on the back.

      I live my life like there’s no tomorrow
      And all I’ve got I had to steal
      Least I don’t need to beg or borrow
      Yes I’m living at a pace that kills

      Something tells me he’s going to need to ‘splain himself in a very edifying way and impart a boatload of grace before he can persuade Ms. Diagnosis that he’s not the choco-nut bandit.

      He may need to ‘splain it backwards cause that’s the mind her way seems to work.

      “If you do this to children…, well, I can only imagine what you would do to an adult.”

      (In a Larry King voice) Ms. Diagnosis, Hello: The Devil wouldn’t do much to an adult…they’re too smart, careful, observant, and only marginally less vindictive than children. Not Worth the Effort.

      Next time, by some freakin’ donuts…that way, if they disappear, you can play this for the kids…

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xw2MjRcVO4g&feature=PlayList&p=4C982AE7DC3226C2&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=2

      PG,
      This is for you, cause it’s Sunday and you’re in Austin…

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KGQcQILdvs

      Oct 5, 2009 at 12:26 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   Canthz_B bang

      PG, I’ve never prayed for the Devil…prayed to him a few times, but that’s a story for another time! :evil:

      Oct 5, 2009 at 3:44 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   The Commissioner's Orifice

      You wouldn’t pray to the Devil for fudge drumsticks with nuts on top….

      Maybe for a caramel latte or a real double-shot mocha….

      Or a banana split with peach and vanilla ice cream…

      Oct 5, 2009 at 4:31 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.4   park rose

      Praying to the devil is a faust pas of the lowest order. ;)

      Oct 5, 2009 at 4:36 am   rating: 70  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.5   Don Paar Dough

      We’ll be Hieronymus Bosch in just a moment,
      but Faust these words from our sponsors…

      Oct 5, 2009 at 4:59 am   rating: 53  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.6   FG

      Excellent puns…more thumbs up for those please.

      Oct 5, 2009 at 5:25 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.7   Canthz_B bang

      rose, I know that now.
      I was so blinded by the promise of everlasting ice cream cones, that I never noticed the small print which specified that I could only obtain them from elementary school teachers’ lounge fridges.
      Satan can be devilishly clever when it comes to contract law.
      I’m truly sorry that I allowed this bargain to be fausted upon me.

      Oct 5, 2009 at 5:43 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.8   The Eyes Have It

      Ah…so that’s why you see lawyers buttonholing people on their way INTO optometrists’ offices…

      Now where did I put that waiver form from the Lasik place??

      Oct 5, 2009 at 9:55 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.9   The Prioress' Undoing

      Hey Abbott, Who’s on Faust ?

      Oct 5, 2009 at 2:30 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.10   pony girl bang

      Austintatious- I love that. I too need 8 hours of sleep a day, and ten more at night. and I am SO going to order my dr pepper that way the next time I go out! (good thing I don’t drink Coke!)

      CB- Exactly. I can see running with, praying for protection against, or To the devil. But, to actually pray For the devil? That is some serious evangelical shit right there. I mean, for this person to think that they can actually bring satan over to Jesus? Wow, just wow. I don’t want that person knocking on my door next sunday.
      ps – did it work? did you have to dance naked around a bonfire? just, you know, in case i want to try sometime

      TCOrifice-hahaha. The only caramel lattes and double mochas I’ll be having any time soon will be served in a cup. and definitely no banana splits for awhile either.

      Abbot & Costello and
      Faust and Hieronymus Bosch??

      See, I Told y’all I come here for edification.

      Oct 5, 2009 at 7:39 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.11   Alyssa Myers

      A teacher would act like this? WTF? I wonder how she treats the students?

      Every kid gets a nasty memo when a piece of chalk goes missing.

      Oct 5, 2009 at 9:39 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.12   PunkyPower

      You shouldn’t pray to the devil, but Motley Crue gives us permission to shout at him. Especially if he steals our Good Humor bars. Or you can run with him, per van Halen. Running would be a good idea after snarfing down all that ice cream.

      Oct 5, 2009 at 10:01 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.13   Boolean Dilemma

      Lemma git this straight now…

      Say Faust gits bonked and his clothes are stolen by the guy who bonked (not boinked) him…and then

      the guy that bonked Faust gets a date with the Devil and makes a deal…

      So, then the real Faust would be the foe of the faux Faust?

      Well, OK, but only if the enemy of my enemy can still be my friend…

      P.S.
      BTW PG,
      AT = TCO = DPD = TEHI = TPU = a few others, too

      Oct 5, 2009 at 10:27 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   Meewunk

    Mmmm, a good healthy dose of guilt. Love it!

    Oct 4, 2009 at 9:51 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Jenny

      And i thought my mom was the queen of guilt trips!!

      Oct 5, 2009 at 9:58 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   park rose bang

      My mum is queen of gilt tripes! That’s old tyres stripped down and bleached until they resembles the intestines (or 4 stomachs) of a cow. It’s regarded as a delicacy around these parts.

      Oct 5, 2009 at 10:45 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.3   park rose bang

      Of course my grandmother was Queen of the Jilted Trollops, but that’s another story.

      Oct 5, 2009 at 10:48 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.4   Wham Bam Pam

      I’ve only read about her fictional character, the Barsetshire Chemist’s coked-up wife Pamela, in Anthony (ANT-knee) Trollope’s rousing 1848 satire “Snobbish Landed Gentry Aren’t the Only Ones with Their Noses in the Air These Days”.

      Or I might be mixing her up with the little girl in the commercials about those waffle-patterned fruity snacks from General Mills/Betty Crocker… you know, Jean of the Quilted Roll-ups.

      Oct 5, 2009 at 3:12 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.5   park rose

      Something’s off in the State of Denmark. I think you’re throwing us a few pickled red herrings there, Pam.
      But I just might be viewing your comment through the lens of a filtered Roll-mop.

      Oct 5, 2009 at 6:17 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.6   Emeril Live!

      Pam, meet Ham….
      Ham, meet Pam….

      You kids hop into the skillet and get happy!

      Nobody’s herring’s getting pickled ’til Falstaff gets here with the sack…

      Tacky riff ’bout that rollmop. Don’t think the Devil’s house is a critically clean environment…

      But you’re abso’ right about that D’mark, whee-yew-ee Bubba,
      I kin smell it all the way from here in the State of Disrepair…

      Oct 5, 2009 at 7:59 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   PunkyPower

    Of course the devil took it – it’s hot down there.

    Oct 4, 2009 at 9:55 pm   rating: 28  small thumbs up

     
  • #4   jc

    Everyone knows the devil likes the nuts on top.

    Oct 4, 2009 at 9:56 pm   rating: 25  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   park rose

      Everyone knows that the nuts on top love the devil and do his bidding.

      Oct 4, 2009 at 10:19 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   Neeners

      Does anyone care about the description of nuts on the top and fudge in the middle? What’s the point of the description? Does it make it an even more heinous crime? If in fact there was no fudgy middle would it have been less evil?

      Oct 4, 2009 at 10:38 pm   rating: 30  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.3   JetJackson

      Mmmm nothing beats a fatty fudge cone with anyphylactic shock rocks on top!

      Oct 4, 2009 at 10:40 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.4   JetJackson

      It would seem the company itself actually makes a much better description…

      “A soft, artificially flavored almond center, wrapped with artificially flavored vanilla ice cream, coated with almonds.” – http://www.icecreamusa.com/products/product.cfm?u=41000-05167&b=2

      Mmmm sounds artificially delicious!

      Oct 4, 2009 at 10:55 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.5   Dagny

      I know I like the devil’s nuts…on top.

      Oct 4, 2009 at 11:13 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.6   Canthz_B bang

      Okay, so there’s a man on top, a black person in the middle, but who’s on the bottom getting their just desserts?

      Oct 5, 2009 at 3:28 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.7   KatieMB

      *whistles innocently*

      Oct 5, 2009 at 7:04 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   Dan M

    Aw common, they all just thought there was free ice cream. I know I would have!

    In other news, I wonder if the writer bothered to look in the freezer? Ice cream goes in the freezer, and maybe someone moved it there.

    Oct 4, 2009 at 9:58 pm   rating: 31  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Sar

      Hahaha — good point!!

      Oct 4, 2009 at 10:01 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   DooeyD

      I would love to find out that there were a bunch of boxes of ice cream cones stockpiled in the freezer all this time…

      Oct 5, 2009 at 4:13 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   famous_lizzy

    I love how it started out as a crime against the writer, then a crime against god, then a crime against the children. Maybe, if one or two of the guilt trips didn’t work, that third one would make the thief’s heart melt?

    Personally, if you’re going to bring something delicious, and it’s for the children, then you should probably put a note on it. or cover the box in ants.

    Oct 4, 2009 at 10:03 pm   rating: 28  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   aaa bang

      The third guilt trip won’t work because the ice cream thief is just acting in the children’s best interest. I’m sure the school doesn’t need any more parents bitching at them about exacerbating childhood obesity…

      Oct 5, 2009 at 1:40 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   DooeyD

      Won’t somebody think of the children?!

      Oct 5, 2009 at 4:14 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   Bcteagirl

    Congratulations on scoring well on the test! Have some diabetes!

    The note writer should just look for someone who suddenly starts storing insulin in the fridge. The rest is up to her.

    Oct 4, 2009 at 10:11 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   El Diablo Loco

    Mmm, stolen Fudgy Goodness!

    Oct 4, 2009 at 10:16 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   JetJackson

    In all fairness by the religious overtone in this note it sounds like these ice cream cones would have been transubstantiated into the body of christ for a lesson on the Eucharist…

    Satan saw this coming and handed them out to the children before they could be used as a vehicle for conversion.

    Oct 4, 2009 at 10:25 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   MisterDNA

    Are there any statistics available on the effectiveness of prayer against workplace food theft? “I’ll be praying for you” seems to be a common theme (along with “Enjoy… I spit in it!”), but I can only imagine a dastardly food thief snatching some goodies from the fridge, thinking, “Go ahead and pray for me… I’ll eat for you!”

    Oct 4, 2009 at 10:25 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   aaa bang

      It seems to work for me. But then again, my prayer is more intense, what with the goat’s blood and severed human limbs and all.

      Oct 5, 2009 at 1:41 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.2   park rose

      I think you’re getting pray and prey mixed up, aaa ;)

      And, you know what they say, you shouldn’t play with your prey before you pray, ay, aaa?

      Though, as you have detailed, I’m sure it intensifies the experience.

      (*all park roses are me. I just signed in with the wrong email)

      Oct 5, 2009 at 4:44 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.3   A Call To (Epoch'o'Lips Now)

      Ma’m, Col. Kurtz always gets what he preys for…it’s in da script

      Oct 5, 2009 at 10:00 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.4   Lest Ye Be Judged

      I remember when I was with Special Forces-it seems a thousand centuries ago-we went into a camp to inoculate it. The children. We left the camp after we had inoculated the children for polio, and this old man came running after us, and he was crying. He couldn’t see. We went there, and they had come and hacked off every inoculated arm. There they were in a pile-a pile of little arms.

      And I remember…I…I…I cried, I wept like some grandmother. I wanted to tear my teeth out, I didn’t know what I wanted to do. And I want to remember it, I never want to forget.

      And then I realized-like I was shot…like I was shot with a diamond…a diamond bullet right through my forehead.

      And I thought, “My God, the genius of that, the genius, the will to do that.” Perfect, genuine, complete, crystalline, pure. And then I realized they could stand that-these were not monsters, these were men, trained cadres, these men who fought with their hearts, who have families, who have children, who are filled with love-that they had this strength, the strength to do that.

      If I had ten divisions of those men, then our troubles here would be over very quickly. You have to have men who are moral and at the same time were able to utilize their primordial instincts to kill without feeling, without passion, without judgment-without judgment.

      Because it’s judgment that defeats us.

      Oct 5, 2009 at 10:34 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.5   park rose bang

      but Frank, Joe, or Isa,

      does judgement make us ‘armful or ‘armless?

      Oct 5, 2009 at 11:00 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.6   Mistah Kurtz Was Da Wurtz (Cockney Rap)

      I think the Colonel’s point was that our internal judgment renders us ‘armless against moral adversaries who would be ‘armful to us because they can tolerate butchering their own to the point of “armlessness”.

      That’s quite a mouthful…I should be grateful that I’m not speechless, ’cause saying that in ASN would probably be quite an armful.

      Oct 5, 2009 at 3:40 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   Kevin

    So she lives at the school, too!? Thieves, the devil and living in an educational facility? I’d say those brokenhearted kids are the least of her worries!

    Peace & Prayers!

    Oct 4, 2009 at 10:28 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   notolaf

      She’s a teacher. Of course she lives at the school. I’m just glad that I live at a school where we don’t do stuff like that to each other.

      Oct 4, 2009 at 11:33 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   Pierre

    How evil is she to offer ice cream with nuts to kids? They could have all died from their peanut allergies. How deliciously evil!

    Oct 4, 2009 at 10:30 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   Neeners

    I suppose instead of going and getting another box of ice cream for $3.59 at the local store, the God fearing instructor told the kids,

    “Well, I had a special treat for those of you who passed your standardized tests but unfortunately THE DEVIL took them.”

    Oct 4, 2009 at 10:36 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   KatieMB

      “….and we all know that when I say THE DEVIL, I mean Mr Ryan in room D3.”

      Oct 5, 2009 at 5:42 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.2   park rose

      I hear he’s a demon in the sack
      race

      Oct 5, 2009 at 6:25 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.3   Canthz_B bang

      And the egg race….that’s why the call them Deviled Eggs.

      Oct 5, 2009 at 6:49 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.4   park rose bang

      sulfur sulgood.

      Oct 5, 2009 at 7:10 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.5   Canthz_B bang

      The Devil is such an inspiration…always so fired up.

      Oct 5, 2009 at 7:19 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.6   The D'v'l: B'lls to the W'll

      He’s a tear off the rearview mirrors kinds guy!

      He nevah waste a second thinkin’ ’bout the downside of “what if?”

      Oct 5, 2009 at 3:48 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   PeaceLoveFood

    You did well on a basic assessment test. Let me give you an external reward which contains at least 3 of the US’ top 8 allergens, is full of sugars and fats, has zero nutritive or educational value, and re-enforces the societal message that eating and feeling good about yourself go hand in hand. Basically, I’ll set you up to be overweight, diabetic, emotional eaters with no internal motivation to do what you are supposed to. But it isn’t my fault–you children decided on it.

    Oct 4, 2009 at 10:41 pm   rating: 28  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   leftfoot

      I honestly don’t think one freaking ice cream cone with set anyone up to be “overweight, diabetic, emotional eaters with no internal motivation to do what you are supposed to”.

      I think living with a stick up your ass will cause more damage.

      Oct 4, 2009 at 10:47 pm   rating: 57  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   Neeners

      Probably the crap they serve in the lunchroom is a lot worse for them than the ice cream.

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_-KbstEG4E

      Oct 4, 2009 at 11:00 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.3   Bcteagirl

      Yes but apparently you can’t stop at just the one freakin iced cream…

      Oct 5, 2009 at 12:05 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.4   aaa bang

      I feel the fun slowing down….

      Oct 5, 2009 at 1:46 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.5   Primarily Tarzan

      Slowing down?

      It’s just a sugar crash… have another red vine, you’ll be fine.

      Oct 5, 2009 at 2:08 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.6   Please

      I’d hope the teacher would have not bought them if there were any nut allergies in her class. My son’s school has classrooms that have warning signs on the door with regard to bringing in anything with nuts if there is a student who spends all or part of their day in that class. They also have specific “nut free” tables in the cafeteria.
      As long as the teacher had no kids in her class with allergies, I have zero issue with her giving them a one time treat that isn’t healthy.
      Even diabetic kids can have some ice cream every now and then, as long as they account for the carbs they had. It’s not a big deal.

      Oct 5, 2009 at 1:34 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   leftfoot

    Teachers aren’t paid enough to not steal.

    Oct 4, 2009 at 10:46 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   Critical Grass

      I’ll say…

      Oct 5, 2009 at 2:33 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   Will

    this person is clearly crazy, but as a former teacher, I can tell you that stealing food at a school where it could very well be for students is particularly douchey.

    Oct 4, 2009 at 10:50 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   KatieMB

      If only someone had labeled the ice cream with “DO NOT STEAL! FOR THE CHILDREN WHO SCORED WELL!”

      But then we’d have no PAN to make fun of, then would we.

      Oct 5, 2009 at 5:46 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   Neeners

    Sounds like this person is used to this happening,and enjoys being the martyr. They probably enjoy a good dose of self flagellation to keep themselves in good moral standing.

    Why else if this ‘keeps happening’ do they continue to buy the delicious nutty fudgy ice cream for the devil? Could they have made a deal with the Satan? I thought he liked Choco Tacos.

    Oct 4, 2009 at 10:53 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   hellocello

    I bet this person also enjoys having sex with people not married to them… aka fornication.

    Oct 4, 2009 at 10:58 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   much to my chagrin bang

      You mean coitus?

      Oct 5, 2009 at 1:10 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.2   Mark bang

      A natural, zesty enterprise!

      Oct 5, 2009 at 1:16 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.3   imo® bang

      My father’s weakness is vanity, hence the slut.

      Oct 5, 2009 at 1:48 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.4   GiggidyGiggidy

      He’s a good man, and thorough.

      Oct 5, 2009 at 4:48 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.5   NoExit

      Am I the only one here who gives a SHIT about the rules???

      Oct 5, 2009 at 5:05 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.6   Critical Grass

      YES!

      Oct 5, 2009 at 6:49 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.7   J.P. Sartre's Master Card Commercial

      Jean-Paul,

      Dude, that part about rules was so FUCKIN’ PRICELESS.

      In fact, considering nothingness, you are only one being here at all…

      Oct 5, 2009 at 7:26 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   Captain Obvious

    Ah! This is in “Good Humor” because the person who has been deprived of fudge-y nutty ice cream is likening the thief to the devil. This may be construed as irony because its not the “Christian” way!

    Oh a chuckle feels so delightful.

    Oct 4, 2009 at 11:16 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   Powdered Toast Man

    Notice the note says the ice cream was for the students who ‘did well on the test’. Those other students who did poorly would get to sit and watch everyone eat theirs. The ice cream thief was actually doing those students a service. The teacher sucks. Everyone deserves an ice cream for having to put up with you and your stupid academic assessment that separates those who do well from those who don’t.

    Oct 4, 2009 at 11:18 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   zombieBlanco bang

      The stupid academic assessment is uncannily efficient at separating the winners and losers in the game’o'togenesis. It’s sort of like cheerleading try-outs.

      Oct 5, 2009 at 1:18 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.2   Felix (Mendel's son)

      The above-normal efficiency of the test in this case was due mostly to the fact that over half of the kids were transfer students from Gametogonia.

      Ordinarily it is not so prescient-seeming, which is why we occasionally have ex-cheerleaders rise to some extremely improbable positions.

      Oct 5, 2009 at 2:03 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.3   brittney de Vries

      Felix,

      Those positions are only impropable for you. It took me half of junior year, and most of the defensive backfield, but I have them down.

      ex-cheerleader

      Oct 5, 2009 at 10:51 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.4   Felix (Mendel's son)

      Brittney,

      I was thinking of our most recent ex-president as doing the improbable rising (or on 9/11 of doing the inexplicable sitting).

      But if you’re the mellow-thighed chick who bent your football team’s spines out of place and let our geek-squad school finally win an inter-conference game…then rock on suffragette!

      Oct 5, 2009 at 11:03 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.5   Chris

      Yes of course. Why reward certain kids for doing well? EVERYONE should always get the ribbon even if they didn’t succeed. Let’s think about the children’s self esteem!! Certain children may feeeellllll bbaadddddd. How terrible that would be.

      Oct 6, 2009 at 10:53 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.6   Please

      Maybe the kids who didn’t do well on the test stole the nutty, fudgy ice-creamy goodness? They’ll show those nerds who made the rest of the class look bad.

      Oct 6, 2009 at 1:02 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #21   Vlad the impaler

    The good humor ice cream cones with fudge in the middle were covered with fecal mist! I will pray for you, as food poisoning is likely imminent for the sinner who ate the children’s rewards.

    Make sure when you throw up in the teachers lounge to do it in the trashcan. The toilets can’t handle BIG JOBS like throw up.

    Don’t forget to sign up with Casey in Human Resources for the Jim Jones themed Thanksgiving party. Please bring diet Kool-Aid as some ppl can’t have sugar.

    THX Sandra

    Oct 4, 2009 at 11:23 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   DC

    I love the “I’ll pray for you” part the most. So patronizing that I’m sure all who saw this note were cheering “Satan” on.

    Oct 5, 2009 at 12:18 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   nini

    I hope the “worst” students, the ones who knew they were going to fail their stupid test, went to town and ate all that ice cream!

    Oct 5, 2009 at 12:23 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   Devika

      Hahaha oh my lord, I thought the same thing! What kind of a douchebag teacher would buy ice cream for only some of the kids anyway? Was this person planning on having the “good” kids eat the ice cream in front of the other kids??

      Oct 5, 2009 at 10:17 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.2   unholyghost2003 bang

      I understand doing that SOMETIMES. There are tests given that are all hard work. Study hard get a good grade, slack off get a bad grade. I understand rewarding the kids who get good grades in that scenario. The problem is that the MAP R isn’t that kind of test.

      Oct 5, 2009 at 10:24 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.3   Liz

      I also wondered if it could be students stealing the ice cream. I rotate between 3 different schools, and other than in the locked lounge, no one leaves “goodies” in the fridge.

      Oct 5, 2009 at 7:28 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   aaa bang

    I was raised to not lie, cheat, or steal. But somehow I do anyway.

    Oct 5, 2009 at 1:17 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   Critical Grass

      I was raised to be a good girl. I don’t know what happened…

      Oct 5, 2009 at 8:00 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #25   Susan

    “now, I have broken-hearted students…”

    This sounds like an exaggeration, but I’ll bet she made them feel her misery! I wonder if any of them cried after she spoke to them about this in class. That would probably have been better than the note itself…

    Oct 5, 2009 at 2:38 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   Luxor

    Thats what she gets for using food as a reward. Kids these days are fat enough as it is.

    Oct 5, 2009 at 3:01 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   LinLorienelen

    Who’s the asshole who keeps leaving such delicious ice cream in the fridge?

    Oct 5, 2009 at 3:02 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #28   Canthz_B bang

    Where are they now?

    Flip Wilson is an elementary school teacher.
    “The Devil made me buy this dress.” has become “The Devil made me eat your ice cream.”

    Oct 5, 2009 at 3:33 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #29   Say-Aunts Transmission

    “The entire unopened box is missing from the staff lounge refrigerator.”

    Wait….Wait….I’m getting a signal from the other side….Aunt Pheobe tells me she can’t reveal the identity of the thief….but….but….it’s faint….there is another voice….it’s Aunt Thelma and she’s talking in a kind of cackling voice about how she never would have believed that you could taste fudge after you’re dead….and Thelma says she’s eaten all of them but one, and you can have that one just as soon as you can pry it from her cold…. wait….wait….no that’s all…she’s gone.

    Oct 5, 2009 at 4:23 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #29.1   park rose bang

      Ouija stop it already?

      Oct 5, 2009 at 11:03 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.2   Say-Aunts Transmission

      I’m tryin to stop but I got Aunts in my trance!!

      Oct 5, 2009 at 11:05 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.3   Geek Goddess

      You are definitely a few strokes under Par, kRose!

      Oct 5, 2009 at 4:20 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.4   Jamaican Me Crazy

      So the Jamaican bobsled team was sitting around the office one hazy, lazy day, wondering about their medal chances.

      Devon says to Dudley, “How we gonna find out our true future, Dud?”

      Dudley says, “Easy as a bobsled runnin’ cool downhill, Dev…we use what record companies used to clean up their crystal balls back in de 60′s…
      a Ska-Ouija.”

      Oct 5, 2009 at 5:28 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #30   Wade bang

    Now, now. The notewriter was just applying her devotional reading from that morning:

    “Your enemy the devil prowls around the staff lounge refrigerator like a roaring lion, seeking some Good Humor ice cream cones to devour.”

    1 Peter 5:8 (New Passive-Aggressive Version)

    Oct 5, 2009 at 6:09 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #30.1   Canthz_B bang

      Hey! I have that calendar!

      Oct 5, 2009 at 6:15 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #31   Renagade676

    I’m assuming this was a public freezer.

    Maybe the whole staff helped themselves to it, seeing that nobody left a note saying who the ice cream was for.

    I hope she doesn’t teach English too – her kids might never learn to spell-check! Her grammar was awful.

    Oct 5, 2009 at 7:34 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #32   Critical Grass

    Argh! Please stop! That name should only be spoken in prayer!

    The fact that a people write that note defiling Devils’ name makes me sick to my stomach.

    Oct 5, 2009 at 8:09 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #32.1   anglophile bang

      If I could give you 666 thumbs up, I would, CG. :twisted:

      Oct 5, 2009 at 8:17 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.2   Critical Grass

      I know that the last sentence is not ok.

      But, what can I say? I have ADD.

      Oct 5, 2009 at 8:36 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #33   anglophile bang

    Well, over all, I’m going to give her a B-.

    The melodramatic tone was perfectly expressed, but her odd use of ellipses and capitalization and failure to properly hyphenate broken-hearted detracted from the whole.

    Oct 5, 2009 at 8:20 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #34   unholyghost2003 bang

    Has she checked the big industrial freezers in the cafeteria? Those drumsticks boxes are GI-NORMUS and can easily take up the entirety of the freezer in the home size, freezer on top Refregerator/Freezer models.
    Rather than assuming supernatural forces are stealing frozen treats she should keep her eyes peeled for signs reading:
    “To the jackass who keeps filling the faculty fridge/freezer with treats for her class,
    I moved your Ice Cream to the Caf, AGAIN. QUIT PUTTING YOUR CLASSROOM TREATS IN HERE. When you made room for that pan of brownies (WTF? Why do brownies need to be refrigerated?) you left Sue Langstaff’s insulin sitting on the counter. Now you are leaving nasty notes about “stolen” Ice Cream? Read your faculty handbook, it says right in there that classroom treats need to be stored in the cafeteria refrigerators.
    Do this again and I am going to tell Principal Feindorf instead of moving them.”

    Oct 5, 2009 at 8:46 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #34.1   mystic_eye_cda

      Ha!

      That’s a good point

      Oct 5, 2009 at 11:02 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #35   Critical Grass

    Please allow me to introduce myself
    I’m a man of wealth and taste
    Ive been around the elementary school
    Stole many children’s ice cream
    My favorite is the crispy one
    But I’ll go for the fudgy ones too
    Made damn sure that I stole them all
    Didn’t wash my hands or brushed my teeth

    Pleased to meet you
    I know you were well raised
    But stealing, lying and cheating
    Is the nature of my game

    Oct 5, 2009 at 8:59 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

     
  • #36   hibousoir

    Don’t worry, Good Humor victim! There are always plenty of nuts in the elementary education system to be enjoyed!

    Oct 5, 2009 at 9:39 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #37   Roxanne

    “entire staff of an elementary school…IN HELL!”
    Hell, Missouri, no difference!

    Oct 5, 2009 at 9:47 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #38   Jenny

    Wait, no “Those Good Humor Ice Cream Cones with nuts were Fuckin Delicious”???

    Oct 5, 2009 at 10:04 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #38.1   Critical Grass

      Yeah… I was a little surprised too.

      Oct 5, 2009 at 10:12 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.2   bowloftoast bang

      That’s because they were fucking sacrilicious.

      Oct 5, 2009 at 1:48 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.3   bowloftoast bang

      That’s because they were fucking sacrilicious.

      Oct 5, 2009 at 1:48 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.4   Mark bang

      That’s because they were fucking sacrilicious.

      Oct 5, 2009 at 2:12 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.5   Critical Grass

      That’s because they were fucking sacrilicious.

      Oct 5, 2009 at 2:15 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.6   bowloftoast bang

      aw crap

      Oct 5, 2009 at 2:42 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.7   Mark bang

      aw crap

      :D

      Oct 5, 2009 at 2:44 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.8   Did I Miss a Memo?

      Sacrilicious? Isn’t that when you see Jesus in a grilled cheese sandwich?

      But, wasn’t this in a public school? Uh oh….

      Cheese it, here comes the ACLU…and they’re NOT bringing ice cream!

      Oct 5, 2009 at 4:03 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.9   Critical Grass

      aw crap

      Oct 5, 2009 at 4:16 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #39   unholyghost2003 bang

    Am I the only one bothered that this teacher is giving out treats to kids who scored well on the MAP R assesment? The MAP R assessment is intended to figure out where kids are as far as reading comprehension and ability to apply abstract concepts as well as helping suss out learning disabilities like dyslexia. It isn’t the sort of test that you can study for where hard work can make up for a lack of natural aptitude.

    Oct 5, 2009 at 10:06 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #39.1   anglophile bang

      You know, the sooner the dummies learn that they are less worthy of all the rewards of life than the smart people, the sooner their spirits will be broken and the sooner they will learn to lower their aspirations to become fast-food workers, garbage men, slaughter-house workers and the like. It’s better for everyone in the long run.

      Oct 5, 2009 at 10:25 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.2   Critical Grass

      Disappointment in an earlier age allows the not-so-smart kids to make the most of their underachieving mediocre lives.

      So, she meant well…

      Oct 5, 2009 at 10:44 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.3   Canthz_B bang

      Shame on you, ‘Glo…they’re called burger technicians, sanitation engineers and bovine partitioning specialists now!

      Oct 5, 2009 at 8:01 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #40   When Is Recess?

    Anyone else here have the deja-vu-like feeling that this teacher is being observed, assessed, graded on some scale, and not doing very well at all?

    Oct 5, 2009 at 10:43 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #40.1   unholyghost2003 bang

      You mean the teacher is being observed, assessed, graded on some scale, and failed by people other than us?

      Oct 5, 2009 at 11:22 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #40.2   I Could Be Way Off Base

      Yeah UHG2k3,

      I was thinking maybe the principal, or the school board, or, Lordy, maybe it goes all the way up to the top, however you imagine that to work.

      Oct 5, 2009 at 4:06 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #40.3   unholyghost2003 bang

      However I imagine that to work?

      ummm I am aware that teachers are graded and have supervisors. However, hiding classroom treats is not a normal part of teacher assessment procedures.

      Oct 5, 2009 at 4:17 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #40.4   I Could Be Way Off Base

      I was thinking “all the way” up to whatever your idea of god or cosmic operating system might be. Or more down to Earth but perhaps creepier, maybe some sort of Kafkaesque bureaucracy.

      True, stashing sugar isn’t part of an annual checklist.

      I’m thinking a copy didn’t get sent to the Principal’s office, but once s/he finds out about it, El Jefe might just find the time to pop round to Ms. Diagnosis’ trailer a few more times each semester. Safe >> Sorry, ‘n all.

      Oct 5, 2009 at 4:51 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #40.5   I could kick your ass

      but i won’t.

      Oct 5, 2009 at 5:08 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #41   Mom of 3

    I don’t about anyone else, but my child’s school is a “nut free environment” (insert your puns here please, because I’m exhausted by the whole concept), and therefore, items such as these Good Humor cones would be strictly forbidden, and thrown away as soon as they were found.

    Oct 5, 2009 at 12:54 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #41.1   imo® bang

      Things not in a nut free environment;
      A catholic altar boys face!
      Young visitors to the Neverland ranch.
      Roman Polanski’s friends daughters.

      Oct 5, 2009 at 1:07 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #41.2   Critical Grass

      Nut Free
      Tree Fun
      Feet Run
      Free Tun
      Fee Runt

      Oct 5, 2009 at 2:19 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #41.3   HugsandKisses101 bang

      Teen Fur
      Turn Fee
      Free Nut
      Runt Fee
      True Fen….uh.

      blerg! Now I wanna go play WordTwist!

      Oct 10, 2009 at 9:10 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #42   Silhouette

    This is textbook PAN. If you have a friend who doesn’t ‘get’ what you are laughing about when reading this site, direct them to this one.

    Although one clearly agrees that it is wrong to steal the person’s belongings, the note switches all one’s ire against the note-writer.

    Oct 5, 2009 at 4:03 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #43   Critical Grass

    Keep your dick beaters off my fudge-y nutty ice cream!

    Oct 5, 2009 at 4:43 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #44   pemdas

    On what planet does this teacher teach? In my school district you can’t hand out as much as a stick of gum. Ice cream drum sticks? I sure as h3ll don’t want to teach those kids after they have all that chocolate.

    Oct 5, 2009 at 6:14 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #45   Gretal

    “Broken hearted” seems like a wee bit of a stretch….

    Oct 5, 2009 at 6:23 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #45.1   Cat

      THEY CANNOT GO ON

      Oct 5, 2009 at 8:28 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #46   heather em

    The scariest thing about this punctuation abomination is the fact that the person who wrote it is “teaching” our children.

    ::shudder::

    p.s.) Those cones were not for the kids, and we all know it.

    Oct 5, 2009 at 9:10 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #47   InYourSleep

    What were they for then? the black market?

    Oct 6, 2009 at 8:36 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #48   pony girl bang

    Yeah, he/she was going to sell them to all the stoners out in the parking lot.
    Teachers don’t make much, they gotta pay the bills somehow.

    Oct 6, 2009 at 9:25 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #49   Ellipses overload! | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com

    [...] related: sympathy for the devil [...]

    Mar 16, 2010 at 1:08 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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