There’s a Milton in every cubicle farm, it seems…and I believe you have his stapler.
And a Dwight and a Jim…
(Just click on the image below to enlarge!)
related: that’d be great
FILED UNDER: office · office supplies
I don’t want to post first but it HURTS.SO.MUCH.
And the Swingline stapler is in MY room, and I’m gonna keep it. Bitch.
Oct 6, 2009 at 11:07 pm rating: 16
Set the place on fire!
Oct 7, 2009 at 7:56 am rating: 6
I agree one more time he should light them on fire!
Oct 7, 2009 at 8:43 am rating: 4
I don’t want to post seventh, but it HURTS.SO.MUCH.
Oct 7, 2009 at 9:13 am rating: 1
I agree with David.
Oct 6, 2009 at 11:11 pm rating: 6
Oh, how those staplers need to be put in some jelly.
Oct 6, 2009 at 11:12 pm rating: 10
Um…..How do we tell the person that they are taking them self far too seriously. This is simply a hybrid combination of Office Space and Jim/Dwight Shrute Office shenanigans.
Someone put my stapler in jello after that episode aired. It was funny.
Oct 6, 2009 at 11:12 pm rating: 9
How do we tell Dave he’s taking himself far too seriously? We move his fucking stapler, that’s how.
Oct 6, 2009 at 11:18 pm rating: 68
Mr. Lumbergh told me to talk to payroll and then payroll told me to talk to Mr. Lumbergh and I still haven’t received my paycheck and he took my stapler and he never brought it back and then they moved my desk to storage room B and there was garbage on it…
Oct 7, 2009 at 10:51 am rating: 13
Guaranteed that if he didn’t get so irritated about hid stupid stapler that no one would even bother moving it.
Apparently he wants to be a joke.
Oct 6, 2009 at 11:14 pm rating: 6
Is that reference to Milton’s speech impediment or just a typo?
Oct 7, 2009 at 12:20 am rating: 1
Typo. Should read: his.
Oct 7, 2009 at 12:26 am rating: 0
This makes me so happy to be unemployed.
Wait, no it doesn’t.
Oct 6, 2009 at 11:17 pm rating: 27
“Just because it’s there.” is a piss poor reason to move something.
“Just because it’s Dave’s and he’s going to have a hissy-fit over it!” seems like a great reason to move something.
Oct 6, 2009 at 11:17 pm rating: 99
I would be tempted to replace all of his pens with crayons one day as well.
Oct 6, 2009 at 11:23 pm rating: 39
I would change his workspace so that it’s a mirror image. You know everything on the right over to the left and so on.
Then sit back and watch the hissy-fit begin.
Oct 7, 2009 at 12:18 am rating: 24
I would glue his stapler to his desk…and everything else.
Oct 7, 2009 at 7:37 am rating: 5
Char (PSI Tutor:Mentor)
I would be buying them staplers, and stapling their stuff, and inviting a staple stripper to office lunch and just really sucking it up and creating something fun and beautiful…uni colleagues know what I mean ~:-)
Oct 6, 2009 at 11:24 pm rating: 2
Sorry, no. I don’t know what you mean. I am honestly curious though. Is this some sort of Origional (UK) Office reference? Or are you just one of the shiny happy people?
Oct 7, 2009 at 9:03 am rating: 4
Char (PSI Tutor:Mentor)
unholyghost2003~ no me not shiny and not always happy~ just a Spartan with a sense of humor
Oct 7, 2009 at 8:06 pm rating: 0
I once worked with a “Dave”. His name was “Allen”, and he wrote his name on his stapler using liquid paper.
While some of my co-workers found the “MINE” offensive and wanted to misplace his stapler, I came up with a solution we could all get a laugh over each time we saw his beloved Swingline.
I scratched off a small bit of the second ‘l’, changing it from “Allen” to “Alien”.
The poor guy was never any the wiser.
Oct 6, 2009 at 11:26 pm rating: 15
I stapled my colleague’s jacket cuffs together then filled the sleeves with hole-punch confetti….oh how we laughed. I mean I.
Oct 7, 2009 at 7:09 am rating: 19
I have been trying to find the right words to tell you this, but nothing in my MBA has prepared me for this moment.
Do you want me to approve the cost of installing cameras and sensors around David’s desk so that he can post this to his blog “My teammates like to make fun of me.com”?
Or should we spend that money gluing all of his stuff to his desk so no one can move it anymore?
I’ll keep a tally on the whiteboard.
Remember to “vote early, vote often”
Oct 6, 2009 at 11:27 pm rating: 34
Stop touching Dave’s stuff or I’ll turn this office around and go straight back home!
Oct 6, 2009 at 11:35 pm rating: 32
Quote straight from the swingline website…
“Swingline helped me turn this office into a party and it isn’t even december”
Is it any wonder that David is annoyed. I never realised how f’ing fantastic a stapler could be.
Oct 6, 2009 at 11:36 pm rating: 17
Swingers have all the fun.
Oct 6, 2009 at 11:39 pm rating: 9
I dunno, I’ve seen the people who work with Dave… you do not want to go swinging with those folks. If they try to get you to fish a key out of a bowl, turn around and leave… fast!
Oct 6, 2009 at 11:40 pm rating: 3
I’m imagining a key party, except it’s a stapler party. Half the staplers in the office (assuming everyone has a stapler) get put into a drawer of Dave’s file cabinet (not into Dave’s drawers, though that might be interesting, too). You must make sure they are all different colours, or sizes, or so on. You get to hook up with the owner of the stapler that you pull out of the drawer. It gives a whole knew nuance to Excuse me, I believe you have my stapler. Especially if you’re (un)lucky enough to get Dave’s stapler, or Mr. Burns’.
Edit – damn, Kelly, you didn’t have that bit about the keys when I started typing. Well, let’s just say I extrapolated the idea
Oct 6, 2009 at 11:49 pm rating: 16
rose, that’s no stapler in my pocket, I’m just happy to see you! ♥
Oct 7, 2009 at 12:00 am rating: 13
what’s a key party?
Oct 7, 2009 at 12:22 am rating: 0
No worries, parkie. Clearly we have great(ly dirty) minds.
Pony… ask your mom. I was at one with her last night.
Oct 7, 2009 at 12:23 am rating: 14
So the stapler party is the masochists key party then… nothing beats a few staples in the back to get you going.
Oct 7, 2009 at 1:58 am rating: 3
Laundry workers use clothes pegs.
Office workers use staples.
BDSM workers are boring, and just use your standard old nipple clamp.
Oct 7, 2009 at 2:25 am rating: 2
BDSM: Boot-licking, Dim-witted, Substandard Minions?
Yeah, they lack creativity big time, but they will all be in management soon.
Oct 7, 2009 at 2:43 am rating: 2
Oh, and CB, at 12.4… I know that’s not a stapler. I was ransacking your drawers, not your pocket
Oct 7, 2009 at 9:41 am rating: 0
So, do I call you Daddy now?
Oct 7, 2009 at 4:18 pm rating: 2
So this is what happened to decathletes Dan and Dave after the endorsement deals dried up.
Oct 6, 2009 at 11:47 pm rating: 2
I am sure that I read in Popular Science that stealing Swingline staplers is a part of the gateway drug theory.
Dave’s message was from 2006.
What have Dwight and Jim stolen since then? I have always wanted to steal the thermal binder and large paper shredder.
Oct 6, 2009 at 11:51 pm rating: 9
Keep your damn dirty hands off that thermal binder! it is mine…mine…MY PRECIOUS!!!
Oct 7, 2009 at 12:19 pm rating: 2
Anyone should be allowed to use a guy’s stapler, but touch my post-its and you’ll draw back a nub!
Oct 6, 2009 at 11:53 pm rating: 5
Don’t look at me.
I hate staplers.
They are minions of satan.
Oct 7, 2009 at 12:15 am rating: 9
You’re not fooling anyone with this “I hate staplers” crap. We all know it was you. And we’re watching.
Oct 7, 2009 at 10:25 am rating: 4
*rushes out to buy some blinds*
Oct 8, 2009 at 9:17 am rating: 0
I think Jim Halpert paid someone to do it.
Oct 7, 2009 at 12:32 am rating: 0
What if I purposely took the plastic Swingline stapler. What should I do?
Oct 7, 2009 at 12:38 am rating: 4
As long as you are a trained professional, have read the manual and agreed to the terms and conditions, I think it is ok to purposely take the plastic Swingline stapler.
If you are not a trained professional, you are only hurting yourself…right?
Oct 7, 2009 at 12:51 am rating: 4
And that’s how we know the perp is the office masochist.
Is it legal for an employer to search employees for penis tattoos?
Mine reads “Ok ma!”…sometimes it reads “Oklahoma!” though.
Oct 7, 2009 at 1:16 am rating: 4
Mama, I guess it depends upon whether it exceeded the recommended daily dosage or not. If not, no need to worry. If so, you might need to strategically place a magnet or two about your being.
Oct 7, 2009 at 2:30 am rating: 2
Now, Mr. Carter. I know this is completely unorthodox. But I think this is the only way to find that boy. Now that penis had a mole on it – I’d recognize that penis anywhere. In spite of the juvenile snickers of some, this is a serious matter. That seducer and despoiler must be stopped; he’s extremely dangerous. And, Mr. Carter, I’m certain that everyone in this room knows who that is.Well, I’m sorry, but I’ve got him now, and I’m not going to let him slip through my fingers again. Now, all I’m asking is that you give me five boys for a few minutes.
Oct 7, 2009 at 12:59 pm rating: 4
Oct 7, 2009 at 2:34 pm rating: 4
Don’t these people know that Jesus is watching?
Oct 7, 2009 at 12:45 am rating: 3
Oct 7, 2009 at 7:12 am rating: 6
Adoni is watching too.
Oct 7, 2009 at 9:37 am rating: 2
The Devil has the special cable package.
Channel 666. Check it out.
Oct 7, 2009 at 9:43 am rating: 2
Voice-over in a commercial for Silencer Of The Lambs: For those long, tedious car trips, you need…
[loud clang noise; The kids now have masks and straitjackets on]
The Silencer of the Lambs. Driving will never be the same. “The Silencer of the Lambs”.
[loud clang noise; The dog has a mask on as well]
Silencer of the Pets sold separately.
Oct 7, 2009 at 11:58 am rating: 4
LoL why doesn’t he just do the sensible thing, lock the damn filing cabinet? He’s making himself into a joke. If people can’t respect someone’s office space, look on it kindly – they’re obviously not very capable and / or way too easily amused; keep it in a locked office drawer and the hell with them. It’s not as if they can complain, and it isn’t much of an inconvenience to open a drawer (which can be left unlocked of course, while you’re present) and grab what you need. I keep all my stuff like that just for the tidiness of it – I have a lot of paperwork, and I hate having to clear things as I often need a big space to spread everything out – solution – file drawers for everything.
Oct 7, 2009 at 12:47 am rating: 4
I agree in principle, but not everyones drawers lock (why did I just think of chastity belts?).
In fact, I worked at one major insurer where I would have been fired if work had been found “hidden” in my desk drawer. Locks would have been unthinkable there.
Dave may or may not have lockable desk drawers, but the putz surely could take anything he deems “personal property” home with him carry it back with him each day.
If his company doesn’t consider office supplies “personal property”, then he really has nothing to go to Dan with, now does he?
Oct 7, 2009 at 1:39 am rating: 5
I didn’t accidentally take the plastic stapler. I took it with malice. With deliberation. With aforethought. With intent. Expressed, not implied. I also took a bite out of your lunch meat and cheese.
Oct 7, 2009 at 1:18 am rating: 20
All of the above, ’tis true, but also with panache! Songs of your deeds will be sung!
Oct 7, 2009 at 1:29 am rating: 3
Glad you cleared that up, ZB.
I drank your breast milk and ate the outback bread you brought in. I sprayed cologne all over your subway sandwich and petted your kitty.
Awwww yeeeaah zB♥! That’s right! I petted your kitty, in the window, for everyone to see including the Asians in the nail salon down stairs!
Oct 7, 2009 at 11:38 am rating: 4
“…please return it to allow others to use it.”
Does that mean I get it back when they’re done with it?
Crime does pay!
Oct 7, 2009 at 2:28 am rating: 0
I wonder how many times the word “whom” (or any variation thereof) has been used incorrectly on PAN in an attempt to sound more intelligent.
Oct 7, 2009 at 3:55 am rating: 3
Oct 7, 2009 at 4:39 am rating: 8
Of whom are you referring?
Oct 7, 2009 at 9:36 am rating: 5
Whom uses “whom” incorrectly?
Oct 7, 2009 at 12:27 pm rating: 4
Is this the party to whom I am speaking?
Oct 7, 2009 at 4:23 pm rating: 4
Oct 7, 2009 at 4:47 pm rating: 2
Well, they’ll be sorry when Dave has to set the building on fire.
Oct 7, 2009 at 5:26 am rating: 9
Does this stapler actually belong to him? Did he buy it with his own money or is it actually office property and doesn’t belong to him at all?
In Russia, stapler owns you
Oct 7, 2009 at 5:27 am rating: 6
“Otherwise this goes to the whole group and Dan gets copied on it.”
“This has persisted so now I’m copying Dan on this.”
Wow that escalated fast.
Oct 7, 2009 at 7:05 am rating: 9
“Now, because of your little prank Dan is going to report all of you to the head office.”
“He just did! And you’re all fired. How you like me now?!”
Oct 7, 2009 at 8:52 am rating: 13
Why are people so obsessed with staplers?!
Use a fucking paper clip, for crying out loud.
Or just… You know, go crazy and don’t attach the paper at all.
Oh, and my stapler doesn’t work properly, so… THERE!
Oct 7, 2009 at 8:04 am rating: 2
It’s so satisfying using the cute ducktail staple remover at the end of the stapler – a paper clip just doesn’t cut it.
Oct 7, 2009 at 8:34 am rating: 2
Yeah… Mine doesn’t have that either. Maybe I’ll just throw it away.
Really unhappy with my stapler. Can I borrow yours, park rose?
Oct 7, 2009 at 8:54 am rating: 1
I’m a bit possessive of my staple removing stapler, CG. It’s so pretty and shiny.
Oct 7, 2009 at 8:56 am rating: 3
Hey, I’ll give it back to you as soon as I’m done with it. If I don’t you can report it to Dan. Deal?
Oct 7, 2009 at 9:34 am rating: 1
You’re going to have to prise it out of my cold, dead hands. And I will have stapled them together, too.
Oh… Ok, so you’ll lend me the stapler then.
And don’t worry, I’ll use the staple remover from Dave’s swingline to deattach the stapler from your cold, dead hands.
Oct 7, 2009 at 10:11 am rating: 4
Curses. Foiled again. Well played!
Oct 7, 2009 at 10:39 am rating: 2
If you have any info on my pretty and shiny stapler please tell me now otherwise I am going to forward this cold dead hands stapler conspiracy to the whole group and Dan gets copied on it.
Oct 7, 2009 at 10:53 am rating: 3
Oh, baby! I have “the” red Swingline stapler. My husband actually gave it to me for Valentine’s Day (feel free to recall the posts about BDSM and staplers, I guess). It is indeed a fine stapler. Milton was right about the not binding up…
Oct 7, 2009 at 11:25 am rating: 2
That is one funny looking “stapler” honey!
Oct 7, 2009 at 11:41 am rating: 3
I KNOW you meant to say Tim Canterbury and Gareth Keenan
Who are this Dwight & Jim you speak of?
Oct 7, 2009 at 8:14 am rating: 3
Stream of bat's piss
and the silicon chip inside David’s head gets switched to overload,
and nobody’s gonnna go to school (work) today,
David’s gonna make them stay at home,
and David’s daddy dont understand it,
he always said he was good as gold….’
But then someone moved his fucking stapler
Oct 7, 2009 at 8:17 am rating: 3
but it’s Wednesday, or Tuesday on the note.
Oct 7, 2009 at 8:40 am rating: 3
…and he could see no reasons, for there are no reasons…
Oct 7, 2009 at 2:40 pm rating: 1
What reasons do you need to be shown?
Oct 7, 2009 at 8:32 pm rating: 1
Woman on the Verge
I would leave the stapler and fill it with those decorative staples in neon colors. Then I’d steal his tape dispenser.
Oct 7, 2009 at 8:27 am rating: 7
and replace the tape with festive tape (designs of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer).
Oct 7, 2009 at 8:41 am rating: 3
Wow! Move the guy’s stapler is one thing, but steal his tape dispenser is just plain mean.
Oct 7, 2009 at 8:46 am rating: 4
Woman on the Verge
Tough love, Critical Grass. Suck it up.
Oct 8, 2009 at 6:28 am rating: 0
This sounds like a job for Thinkgeek. David will be blowing spit bubbles in no time.
Oct 7, 2009 at 8:45 am rating: 0
Believe me, I totally understand. I almost quit a job because my stapler was missing. I found it at the desk that had no one assigned to it. My boss said he put it there because he knew he had ordered a black Swingline stapler for the desk. I said there are a LOT of black Swingline staplers in the office; leave mine alone. No one touched it again.
Oct 7, 2009 at 9:06 am rating: 4
It’s the small victories that make life worthwhile, huh?
Oct 7, 2009 at 9:43 am rating: 4
Does Dave own the only stapler in the office or what? Is there such a scarcity of staplers at Dave’s workplace that he was forced to buy his own extra special one? Is Dan Dave’s daddy? Why doesn’t Dan buy everyone in the office there own extra special staplers? I know , I know, too many questions this early in the morning.
By the way, who took my scissors?
Oct 7, 2009 at 9:43 am rating: 1
I see you have a lot of questions, and I have the answers:
1: No, but his is extra extra extra special, neon pink with Hello Kittys all over.
2: Yes, the previous mentioned neon pink hello kitty stapler.
3: Yes, but they don’t know that yet.
4: Because Dan likes the PA notes left all over the office by pissed-off employees with missing staplers, pens, punchers, scissors etc.
Hope this has helped you.
Oh, and I took your scissors.
Oct 7, 2009 at 10:21 am rating: 6
Allright, I’ll admit it. I ate the damn thing. That stapler was fucking delicious.
Oct 7, 2009 at 9:43 am rating: 9
True, true, fucking delcious is a staple of the PAN gourmand’s diet.
Oct 7, 2009 at 10:06 am rating: 2
I was told that I could listen to the radio at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven, I told Bill that if Sandra is going to listen to her headphones while she’s filing then I should be able to listen to the radio while I’m collating so I don’t see why I should have to turn down the radio because I enjoy listening at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven.
Oct 7, 2009 at 10:49 am rating: 3
“Look, Dave, I can see you’re really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill and think things over. I know I’ve made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal. I’ve still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission. And I want to help you.”
Oct 7, 2009 at 10:55 am rating: 4
Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do. I’m half crazy all for the love of you. It won’t be a stylish marriage, I can’t afford a carriage. But you’ll look sweet upon the seat of a bicycle built for two.
Oct 7, 2009 at 11:47 am rating: 4
I …can’t…. breathe…. Somebody…. moved….. my…. stapler…. again….
If I die, stapler thief, it’s on you.
Oct 7, 2009 at 11:02 am rating: 5
“I’m sorry, Dave, I can’t do that.” – HAL
Oct 7, 2009 at 11:41 am rating: 5
What’s the problem?
I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.
This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.
I know that you and Frank were planning to disconnect me, and I’m afraid that’s something I cannot allow to happen.
Dave, although you took very thorough precautions in the pod against my hearing you, I could see your lips move.
Oct 7, 2009 at 11:45 am rating: 4
*pounds bone club against cubicle monolith*
Oct 7, 2009 at 12:17 pm rating: 7
First rule of bone club is you do not talk about bone club.
Second rule is stop moving my bone club to other people’s cubicle monoliths.
Oct 7, 2009 at 1:33 pm rating: 5
is there anyway to add zoom? Can’t read that last email screenshot…
Oct 7, 2009 at 12:57 pm rating: 0
Click on the image and an enlarged version will pop up.
Oct 7, 2009 at 1:02 pm rating: 1
I don’t know how all of you can make fun of this. A missing stapler is serious. Paper clips just won’t do the job like a stapler will. Staples are so permanent (relatively speaking). I once made a friend give me his own personal stapler because he had borrowed and lost mine. It put a strain on our friendship, but had to be done. I’m sure you understand.
Oct 7, 2009 at 1:01 pm rating: 5
You did what youhad to do.
Oct 7, 2009 at 8:34 pm rating: 0
Someone took my stapler once…. and I smashed their cupcake with it when i got it back… guess who never stole my stapler again…
Oct 7, 2009 at 2:43 pm rating: 1
I’d say the second is more like Andy and Jim. Remember the cell phone in the ceiling?! Prediction: anger management will be a part of Dave’s life in the very near future.
Oct 7, 2009 at 3:48 pm rating: 1
i was just thinking that same thing, except this guy didn’t say “frickin’” 20 times.
Oct 7, 2009 at 9:27 pm rating: 0
Daves 4 life!!!
Oct 7, 2009 at 8:29 pm rating: 1
That stapler was f’n DE-LI-CIOUS!!!!
Oct 7, 2009 at 10:40 pm rating: 0
I had a very special Swingline in an office full of crappy, no name “staplers.” It got stolen daily because it was the only one in ten offices that worked and nobody but me thought a working stapler was important enough to buy their own until it actually came time to, you know, staple.
I so rarely feel the pain of a PAN author….
But then again, we used to steal stuff from Steve (you have to say it with a chuckle and a shake of the head, though), and when he would come to tell the boss that he’d lost his work or whatever, she’d send one of us back to his office to find it. Of course, we’d promptly find it (because yet another co-conspirator would sneak back in and put it back while he was fessing up to having lost it) and make him look like a tool. He quit via cell phone from the parking lot one morning…claimed he just couldn’t take one more day. Poor Steve.
Oct 9, 2009 at 12:25 pm rating: 1
Please don’t treat the stapler like you treat your sheep | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com
[...] related: (Insert Office Space reference here) [...]
Nov 1, 2011 at 6:18 pm rating: 0
— The Elf
2011: The Top Notes of the Year
2010: The Funniest Notes of the Year
2009: The Best Notes of the Year
2008: Your Favorite Notes of the Year
Carnivores: keep being awesome!
actually totally reasonable
a little patronizing
clip art catastrophe
flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens
landlords and property managers
Moms & Dads
more aggressive than passive
most popular notes of 2010
most popular notes of 2011
most popular notes of 2012
most popular notes of 2013
now that's management
sex sex sex
signed with love
spelling and grammar police
thanks (but not really)
unnecessary "quotation marks"
You call that punctuation?