Office lunch thieves: always despicable, and in this case — gullible, too.
The “helpful” (yet oh-so-devious) all-staff e-mail sent by the victim:
And — I shit you not — the response:
related: lean cuisine
There’s a Nigerian prince I can put you in touch with for more information…
October 9th, 2009 · 156 comments
FILED UNDER: all-staff e-mail · Columbus · food · office fridge · oh snap
156 responses so far ↓
#1
Fresca
Well, at least the “stealer” is apologetic….though who knows why she (wild guess) chose to express that by replying to all.
Oct 9, 2009 at 1:11 am rating: 90
#2
patty cake
That lean cuisine was f*cking delicious.
Oct 9, 2009 at 1:13 am rating: 90
#3
Mr Holly
umm they were recalled because of the spinich e-coli outbreak not because they were hairy
Oct 9, 2009 at 1:14 am rating: 90
#4
pony girl
It’s the new line of Lean Cuisine.
Eat it, and purge 30 minutes later, and 30 minutes later, and 30 minutes later, and 30 minutes later…..
Oct 9, 2009 at 1:15 am rating: 90
#5
Megan
Maybe the Lean Cuisine was recalled because it contained tapeworms. In that case, I guess it’d be an ultra, ultra, ultra-Lean Cuisine.
Oct 9, 2009 at 1:17 am rating: 90
#6
becstar
So THAT’S how you get someone to ‘fess up to lunch theft – imply the need for medical attention. I like it a lot. Bags using this scam!
Oct 9, 2009 at 1:17 am rating: 90
#7
pony girl
What is a discount food store?
‘cuz a food version of the dollar store sounds pretty scary.
Oct 9, 2009 at 1:18 am rating: 90
#8
Nacho Nacho Man
Looks like only the original email went out to “all” in Columbus.
Think the stealer replied directly to the originator.
This work environment needs to pitch in and buy a couple of Sharpies so folks can sign their food.
If I worked there, though, I’m pretty sure I’d be first in line down at the roach coach with correct change ready for a chili dog with cheesey fries.
Oct 9, 2009 at 1:23 am rating: 90
#9
erm
@pony girl: fertilizer=”pooh”
Oct 9, 2009 at 1:23 am rating: 90
#10
GiggidyGiggidy
If you can’t take the time to mark your lunches then don’t complain about people stealing, or say that “lunches get insanely confused” – apparently, people in this office are going crazy due to the working conditions and eating other people’s food. Mass hysteria, I tell you!
Oct 9, 2009 at 2:01 am rating: 90
#11
GK
I love the “Maybe moving.” bit, that was a beautiful touch. Even claw might hesitate for a second or two (before shrugging and stuffing it into his voluminous maw anyway).
Oct 9, 2009 at 3:42 am rating: 90
#12
pony girl
why does the subject line read SPAM, stolen lunch.
Does Lean Cuisine make a SPAM meal?
Oct 9, 2009 at 3:51 am rating: 90
#13
pony girl
I highly doubt that medical attention would be required.
First of all, those things are mostly preservatives. Secondly they’re frozen; that has to kill most of the naughty bits. And then, they get zapped in the microwave, which would kill the rest of the naughty bits, wouldn’t it?
Or at the very least, change their molecular structure (according to some of my tinfoil hat friends.)
ps
I know, horrible grammar and punctuation.
Please feel free to show me the error of my ways.
Oct 9, 2009 at 4:02 am rating: 90
#14
Elodie
this is SO FUNNY!!!! Poor girl, sounds like they really did recall it though. So maybe she should go to the doc’s?
Oct 9, 2009 at 5:34 am rating: 90
#15
adnoxious
Known side effects of eating expired Lean Cuisine: typing like a complete moron.
Oct 9, 2009 at 6:56 am rating: 90
#16
Pfinster
To all of you who speak of POO (in the garden). EColi gets spread in commercial crops mainly by 2 ways; unhealthy watering from an unhealthy water supply. The other way is from harvesters having to go to the jon while working, but don’t want to walk 1/2 mile to the outhouse.
Oct 9, 2009 at 7:01 am rating: 90
#17
Wendi
I believe generally the source of the ‘pooh’ on food is not from fertilizer, it is from human hands that do not wash when picking fruits or vegetables. I remember driving past strawberry fields and there was just a port a potty there, no means of hand washing after it was used *puke*
Oct 9, 2009 at 7:17 am rating: 90
#18
zombieBlanco
*in the distant past – young zB, holding mum’s purse*
OMG! I thought that was mine! I, like, just got so confused. It’s just, like, so insanely confusing. I had one of these twenties at one time too. So, like, I guess I’m a stealer.
Oct 9, 2009 at 7:23 am rating: 90
#19
Critical Grass
This email is going to the person who ate my Lean Cuisine Chicken, Spinach, and Mushroom Panini, that I had in the white fridge in the cafe. It was expired, gross, looked funny and had things moving in it. THAT was my evil plan to kill you.
Glad it worked.
DIE!
Oct 9, 2009 at 8:02 am rating: 90
#20
Canthz_B
Remember when you’d find an expiration date on a food product and the first thing you’d do was to sniff it? The food, not the expiration date.
Not today, it’s straight to the manufacturer’s website!!
Oct 9, 2009 at 8:05 am rating: 90
#21
blde
We have “salvage” grocery stores here. They sell outdated, but frozen, foods or foods near their expiration date…overstock from grocery chains, restauarants, etc. I shop there all the time. Have yet to get anything that was spoiled or made us sick. This may be the type of grocery the OP means.
Oct 9, 2009 at 9:14 am rating: 90
#22
Woman on the Verge
You know, there’s something to be said for revisiting the past. Really, some ex lax brownies left in the fridge with no name on them would do wonders for this office.
Oct 9, 2009 at 9:47 am rating: 90
#23
oi
When I steal lunch at my office, I always check expiry date. If I want to eat crappy food and get sick, wouldn’t I just go to taco bell and order 99 cents meal?
I steal because I want expensive yummy variety of Andronico’s
Oct 9, 2009 at 10:51 am rating: 90
#24
aaa
I’m kind of hoping that the responder was being facetious and was the one who submitted the exchange to PAN.
Oct 9, 2009 at 11:14 am rating: 90
#25
ClearlyDemented
There are so many possibilities for this strategy…
Dear All:
Whoever stole my “World’s Best Mom’ pen, my son gave that to me the day before he came down with H1N1. You might want to get checked out.
Dear All:
The plastic stapler someone stole is the one I use to staple my anus shut due to my IBS.
Oct 9, 2009 at 12:33 pm rating: 90
#26
MAMARILLA2
All that seems to be missing from the apology letter is the request for the name of the store which sold the “offending” meal. So that the theif can sue them for the time missed due to illness.
Oct 9, 2009 at 2:54 pm rating: 90
#27
A Nigerian and A Lurker
PANGod
It gets on my nerves when people find the slightest excuse to invoke “Nigerian” scams.
In a country of over 120 billion people, about 10000 engage in these activities; some of them are not even Nigerian. The rest are hardworking, some poor, some successful. You never hear about people saying, boy, Nigerians can sing – like Sade and Seal.
It’s like, writing a story, and deciding that an ignorant, uncouth, narrow-minded, and culturally-insensitive jerk/airhead who couldn’t pick out their own country on a map had to be American.
Oct 9, 2009 at 3:59 pm rating: 90
#28
Canthz_B
This type of thing always happens at the white fridge.
I don’t see why so many have so much against affirmative action…they’d eat better if they supported it.
Oct 9, 2009 at 4:39 pm rating: 90
#29
But I Kind of Dig His New Brown Bag
Appearing Tonight Only at the Black Fridge…
For the hardest workin’ night shift in Columbus…
‘Fro-Zen Quiz(nos)een Presents…
The Main (Man) Course
Godfather of Sole
The Dessert Course
Mama Come Here Quick and Bring Me That Cool Whip
If it’s ‘Fro-Zen, it’ll never expire…
It’s Flame broiled…it’ll never retire.
It just moves on to the dimension of one micro waving.
Arigato….arigato gozaimasu
Oct 9, 2009 at 5:17 pm rating: 90
#30
The Real Meh, The Great Meh, The Blue Meh
I’m not sure sure which event was more painful for the “stealer”. Was it the projectile vomiting coupled with intense, pure-liquid diarrhea and extreme dehydration she obtained from eating the spoiled Lean Cuisine, or was it the savage beatings about her head she recieved during the key period of her brain’s development. Whichever one it was, I think I win with the pain I endured trying to read that second e-mail.
Oct 10, 2009 at 3:00 am rating: 90
#31
Havingfitz
Yeah, I ate your Lean Cuisine. I also ate Dave’s Swingline Stapler. You wanna make something of it?
Oct 10, 2009 at 3:00 pm rating: 90
#32
S.
I could have sworn that I read this scenario on snopes.com…
Oct 10, 2009 at 4:07 pm rating: 90
#33
MrMurakami
This fridge is obviously a master of optical trickery. Insanely (!!!) so, of course.
Good people of the office, stow your victuals carefully.
Oct 11, 2009 at 10:11 pm rating: 90
#34
spiffy
wow. the responder is incredibly gullible or guilt ridden or both.
Oct 13, 2009 at 1:37 pm rating: 90
#35
Amy
Well played!
Reminds me of the time someone on my dorm got tired of ice cream thieves and put a dead rat in the middle of a carton of ice cream. Ice cream thievery ceased immediately.
Oct 16, 2009 at 12:36 pm rating: 90
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