Please resubmit your inquiry after it has been properly notarized. Regards, your flatmates

October 12th, 2009 · 127 comments

S in London says his flatmate was obviously exceedingly upset about his missing can opener. Of course, this being England, the old “stiff upper lip” sometimes still prevails…sort of.

I am not sure what has happened to my expensive tin opener?

related: memorandum to the roommates

FILED UNDER: a little uptight · London · roommates


127 responses so far ↓

  • #1   first

    first

    Oct 12, 2009 at 10:31 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Critical Grass

      Yey! I’m so happy for you!

      Oct 12, 2009 at 11:02 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   pony girl bang

      Why do you people do that?
      Is there some sort of prize that I am unaware of?

      Oct 12, 2009 at 11:23 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   Canthz_B bang

      The booby prize and a unitard fitting.

      First in war, first in peace and first in the farts of his countrymen!

      Oct 12, 2009 at 11:24 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.4   pony girl bang

      Ah, so no big loss.
      I already have boobies, and I don’t much care for unitards (they give major wedgies.)

      Oct 12, 2009 at 11:33 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.5   Critical Grass

      So… We girls only get the unitard? Are there any other prizes?

      Oct 13, 2009 at 6:48 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.6   Gunderson105

      A free tour of the PAN bathroom.

      Oct 13, 2009 at 7:29 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.7   Woman on the Verge bang

      The tour is conducted by claw. Still want to be first?

      Oct 13, 2009 at 8:16 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.8   imo®

      LAST!!!!11!!!!

      Oct 13, 2009 at 1:32 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.9   Geek Goddess

      WHAT_HE_SAID!!!!11!!!!

      Oct 13, 2009 at 2:00 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.10   infant tyrone bang

      First in war,
      First in Peace,
      and First in the hearts of his flat-ware-mates !

      G. Dub.
      G.W.
      Gee Whizz

      Oct 17, 2009 at 1:51 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   Meewunk

    It’s adorable, really. I love the signature especially.

    Oct 12, 2009 at 10:31 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   pony girl bang

      Whose signature is it though?
      That does not look like ‘Andrew’ to me.
      What the hell kind of ‘A’ is that?

      Oct 12, 2009 at 11:18 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   notolaf

      Fancy!

      Oct 13, 2009 at 12:01 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.3   Critical Grass

      PG, it’s Andrew’s signature.
      The ‘A’ looks more like a ‘J’ or a G-Clef, really.

      Oct 13, 2009 at 6:53 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.4   pony girl bang

      CG,
      G-Clef! Yes, it does.

      If that is Andrew’s signature, then he has bigger problems than a missing can-opener.

      Oct 13, 2009 at 2:52 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   d

    1. first sentence deserves a “.”
    2. second sentence deserves a “?”

    Oct 12, 2009 at 10:33 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Canthz_B bang

      The whole note deserves a pink penis.

      Oct 12, 2009 at 10:53 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   Palomon bang

      That pink penis was fucking delicious.

      Oct 12, 2009 at 11:32 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.3   Canthz_B bang

      Was? Don’t stop…

      Oct 12, 2009 at 11:35 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.4   GK bang

      Wait, the black mamba is pink? Now I’m confused.

      Oct 13, 2009 at 10:41 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   park rose bang

    Hope his friends told him to can it.

    Oct 12, 2009 at 10:45 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

     
  • #5   leftfoot

    Oh just buy another one and keep it locked in your room safe, ya whiny bint.

    More importantly though.. How expensive can a “expensive tin opener” be? Mine is fantastic and cost $10, which is like what? 5 quid or 2 euros?

    Oct 12, 2009 at 10:47 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Bexita

      More like 6 0r 7 euros. The euro isn’t *that* strong against the pound and dollar.

      …Yet. >:)

      Oct 15, 2009 at 6:16 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   Canthz_B bang

    Stop crying, Andrew, it was made of tin!

    Oct 12, 2009 at 10:48 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   Canthz_B bang

    I am not sure why Andrew questions whether or not he’s sure what happened to his expensive tin opener.

    Oct 12, 2009 at 10:51 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   much to my chagrin bang

      Swept the chimney with it, I did, I did!

      Oct 13, 2009 at 12:16 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   Bryce

      Yeah, it really should read, “I am not sure what has happened to my expensive tin opener. Please could someone inform me or return it?”

      But then it would be less passive-aggressive.

      Oct 13, 2009 at 9:44 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   Edna Welthorpe

    But it’s not just any tin opener … It’s a Marks & Spencers luxurious tin opener … Mmmmm, tin opener.

    Oct 12, 2009 at 10:52 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   apedant bang

      This is not just a humerous reference to an advert, this is deliciously sarcastic, only Brits will really understand it reference to an advert.

      Oct 13, 2009 at 4:06 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   Canthz_B bang

    My suggestion is that Andrew refrain from buying expensive tins.
    The other opener in the house probably works fine on inexpensive tins.

    Oct 12, 2009 at 10:55 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   Critical Grass

      Yes, ’cause tins are picky like that.

      Oct 12, 2009 at 10:59 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.2   Neeners

      OMG, you say you are using a tin opener that is less than satisfactory now Andrew? I’ll get this stolen one right back to you then.

      Guess what buddy? You dropped it behind the stove when you were on your latest drunken binge because you thought it was a cork screw. Check it, …go ahead…you know I’m right.

      Oct 13, 2009 at 7:32 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   Critical Grass

    Andrew, honey, what happened to you tin opener is that it was stolen. No one will ever return it to you.
    Now, I see that you have built an emotional bond with your former can opener, but sometimes we just have to let it go.
    Ok, dear?
    Ok.

    Oct 12, 2009 at 10:56 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   pony girl bang

      Bless his heart.
      He’s just a wee bit too fond of his kitchen appliances.

      Oct 12, 2009 at 11:21 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.2   Canthz_B bang

      You think this is something?
      You should see the note he left at his job regarding his stapler!

      Oct 12, 2009 at 11:33 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.3   Critical Grass

      ANDREW’S STAPLER MISSING

      Andrew is very fond of that stapler and these couple of days have been pretty rough on him, for his fancy tin opener is missing too. Let’s give the guy a break and stop taking his stuff, ok?

      If anyone has any info on the missing items, please talk to Casey in Human Resources.

      THX
      SANDRA

      Oct 13, 2009 at 10:34 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.4   mystic_eye_cda

      Brilliant.

      PS Why has no one met my demands to see all the new notes from “Thanks Sandra”

      Please, I will *die* if I don’t get to see more.

      Oct 13, 2009 at 12:22 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.5   mystic_eye_cda

      still dieing!

      Oct 14, 2009 at 12:06 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   pony girl bang

    Well, I guess whichever flatmate is taking their tins into their bedroom to open would be the culprit.

    Unless of course they’re, um, doing something completely unrelated to tin-opening with it. Then perhaps the screams of pain will give the thief away.

    Oct 12, 2009 at 11:07 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   Canthz_B bang

    Andy (I know you hate being called Andy), we threw your overly expensive tin opener in the rubbish bin.
    We just got tired of you bringing ordinary household items that you bought from Sharper Image into the flat.
    You are a pretentious prick, Andy, and we’re all sick and tired of you bragging about how much money you have.
    Your motorized tie rack is in our sights…beware.

    Oct 12, 2009 at 11:20 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   Dagny

    FUCK! I mean tin can (no pun intended) be expensive…in Euros.

    Oct 13, 2009 at 12:11 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   vitakinetic

    These comments suck :(

    Oct 13, 2009 at 12:15 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Canthz_B bang

      Yeah, yours was so much better than all of the others.
      I salute your superior wit.

      Oct 13, 2009 at 12:18 am   rating: 21  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   pony girl bang

      For those who want to suck, we salute you.

      Oct 13, 2009 at 12:26 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.3   pony girl bang

      That looks dirtier than I thought it would.

      Oct 13, 2009 at 12:27 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.4   Canthz_B bang

      Maybe, pony girl…but now that I see you without your bridle, meet me at comment 3.3! :twisted:

      Oct 13, 2009 at 12:29 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.5   pony girl bang

      Hey!
      No peeking in my window when I’m being private with myself!

      Oct 13, 2009 at 12:37 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.6   pony girl bang

      CB,
      hehe, yeah, I liked that reply.

      Oct 13, 2009 at 12:39 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.7   Canthz_B bang

      Me too, but my heart is broken because vitakinetic didn’t find it amusing in the least.
      What ever shall I do?

      Wait, I just remembered…I don’t give a flying fuck what vitakinetic thinks! :-)

      Oct 13, 2009 at 12:48 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.8   Critical Grass

      Can I watch?

      Oct 13, 2009 at 6:34 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.9   Aye, Claudius ! (and Caligula, too!)

      Nos quisnam es super ut vigilo salutamus !!

      Oct 13, 2009 at 10:41 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.10   imo®

      Vatche le moche!

      Oct 13, 2009 at 1:42 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.11   The Pot Calling the Kettle Ironic

      Vitawhoosits

      Superior wit…not so much

      Brevity…double plus good

      Oct 13, 2009 at 3:01 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   Andrea

    I think the best part is that there’s a headline to this note. BREAKING NEWS – TIN OPENER THIEF STRIKES AGAIN

    Oct 13, 2009 at 1:19 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   Susannie

    Expensive can opener – because you wouldn’t want to open yummy tin food with a cheap one!

    (Come to think about it.. I actually own a expensive tin opener my self. But my cat demanded a fancy one!)

    Oct 13, 2009 at 4:47 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   Critical Grass

      My tin opener is stolen. There, I said it…
      Guess Andy would not like me very much.

      Oct 13, 2009 at 6:37 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.2   Meeting of the Whines

      Andrew:
      Hello, my name is Andrew, and I am a Kitchen Accessory Fetishist.

      Meeting:
      Hi, Andrew!

      Andrew:
      I came here on the advice of a friend after I told them that my Very Expensive Tin Opener was (makes air quote gesture) missing from my shared-flat kitchen and I was feeling so very sad about it and that I might need some bucking up from people who could understand my situation.

      Meeting Coordinator:
      Andrew, I don’t know whether you’re a silly little upper-class twit or a sad little upper-class wannabe, but this is a meeting for Kitchen Accessory Fetishists who are stimulated to an irrational degree by the mechanical elegance and time saving capabilities of common, not expensive, kitchen accessories.

      Perhaps you did not notice or recognize the inscription “As we economize, efficiency is multiplied” on the A4 sheet of paper thoughtfully taped to the podium by one of the members of the previous group, Household Accessory Fetishists, using one of their favorite foci of affection, the elegant but simple cellophane tape dispenser.

      Now then, Andrew, I suspect that you’ll rather be wanting the meeting of Kitchen Commodity Fetishists downstairs in Room “K”. It will be geared much more to your needs. Plus, I understand that they have a case of very nice Beaujolais Nouveau tonight.

      Now…out the door with your classist arse!

      Oct 13, 2009 at 10:19 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.3   Sirius¤ bang

      But I came in here for an argument!

      Oct 13, 2009 at 12:43 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.4   Mark bang

      No you didn’t.

      Oct 13, 2009 at 1:02 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.5   Critical Grass bang

      Yes, yes he did. I saw everything.

      Oct 13, 2009 at 1:09 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.6   imo®

      That is just contradiction!

      Oct 13, 2009 at 1:43 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.7   Gandalf

      Is this the five minute argument, or the full half hour?

      Oct 13, 2009 at 2:10 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.8   Mark bang

      Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your kind REALLY makes me puke, you vacuous, toffee-nosed, maloderous PERVERT!!!

      Oct 13, 2009 at 2:18 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.9   pony girl bang

      Meeting of the Whines,

      In the immortal words of David Cassidy: I think I love you.

      Oct 13, 2009 at 3:00 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.10   Meeting of the Whines

      My Deah Girl,

      Shush now, we’ll have ta git us some dang blinds…and I’m not talkin’ ’bout no duck huntin’! Briggs ‘n’ Krassner would have to say check us out.

      You’re pretty wild yerownself and I love you back about as chastely as an elder unbridled mustang stallion can…not that I’m an SMU fan or anything deviant like that…

      David Cassidy…he some of Hopaplong’s bloodline?
      Hope you’re just borrowin’ the words and not the ‘quipment.

      As long as we’re on an animal trail, I’ll say I prefer Buffalo Springfield’s “Sit Down, I Think I Love You”.

      Either way, We’ll always have PAN (and Bacchus if yer into it)!

      Oct 13, 2009 at 3:49 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.11   pony girl bang

      You and me and Pan, and Bacchus?

      We will definitely need some blinds.

      Oct 13, 2009 at 4:12 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.12   Meeting of the Whines

      PG,

      Always having PAN was meant more in the Casablanca sense…
      Although if randy Pan toots yer pipes, invite him along, I guess…

      Sounding like a later Bill Hicks routine here (Goatboy lives…it up)
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0JQIoc2FCvc
      Later check the rest of his Revelations show

      And Bacchus was meant in the simple bottle of wine sense…but…
      If he was the god of theater for Romans, then maybe stage curtains??
      (An ironic mix of privacy and “Let’s Give ‘em Somethin’ ta Talk About!)

      More of a Point-Counterpoint guy myself, but if you’re into ensemble scenes or repertory configurations…well, when in Austin ‘n’ all…

      Oct 13, 2009 at 5:32 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.13   pony girl bang

      Yeah, I got the Casablanca reference.
      It’s just that, sweetie, I can’t keep up with you.
      So I had to go for the quickie.

      Oct 13, 2009 at 6:02 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.14   Meeting of the Whines

      PG,

      A quickie *foursome* !
      (Would that be you, me, DuPree, and the judge?)
      exam time…1968 GD-SF

      If a quickie pas de deux is potentially awkward…(Who’s on Faust?),
      then wouldn’t a quickie foursome be likely to either start WWIII…or…
      well, frankly Scarlet…I dunno…

      Can’t keep up?
      Doubt it!
      Only if you’re in some big, drastic sort of hurry!
      Like the YWCA Director said ’bout 30 years ago…”We started after a medium-late dinner but here it’s 11:45, Whew!”

      P.S. Tell your BF’s and ask them to drop by….

      Oct 13, 2009 at 6:20 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.15   pony girl bang

      Meeting of the Whines:
      Judge said “Son, I know your baby well
      but that’s a secret I can’t never tell”
      Dupree said “Judge, well it’s well understood,
      and you got to admit that that sweet, sweet Pony’s so good”

      ;)

      A quickie pas de deux is only potentially awkward if I try to pronounce it. Besides, I didn’t know anyone was Faust; I just figured that sort of thing was sort of a free-for-all. Guess I should get out of my little pasture a lot more.

      Oct 13, 2009 at 7:02 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.16   Neeners

      If you are not sure what happened to the tin opener Andrew, then don’t accuse someone of stealing it or you might find it up your bum.

      Oct 13, 2009 at 7:21 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.17   Jolee Pony

      PG,

      You’re either in the same age bracket as me, or else so bright a student I fear for my life…
      Fo’get the Diamond Rag for a minute…can you trust…
      Word falling…photo falling…breakthrough in grey room…
      Towers open fire !! ?

      We’ll meet on the other side of this sometime later….

      Oct 13, 2009 at 7:21 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   adnoxious

    Why would you need to steal a tin opener from your own roommate? Isn’t it just there in the kitchen for everyone to use? Would someone please inform me?

    Oct 13, 2009 at 7:08 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   Woman on the Verge bang

      We cannot inform you due to your insistence upon shameless self-promotion with your obnoxious blog link. Have a nice day.

      Oct 13, 2009 at 8:20 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.2   Canthz_B bang

      Let me try to explain this to you one more time…you don’t have to post a link to your website inside of the comment box.
      You already have a link connected to your name. You can see that your name is blue and underlined which indicates that it is a hyperlink.
      We all know it’s a hyperlink. If anyone cares to use it, they will.
      Save yourself some time and don’t bother posting the link in the comment box as you have already been accommodated in that regard.
      You’ve been informed.

      This ain’t rocket surgery.

      Oct 13, 2009 at 8:21 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.3   Critical Grass

      We could inform you, but you choose not to.
      And about the “excessive hyperlinking”: OMF ADONAI! Stop it already!

      Oct 13, 2009 at 8:57 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.4   Neeners

      You funny CB…. did you mean rocket science? Lol

      Oct 13, 2009 at 7:11 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.5   Canthz_B bang

      “It ain’t Rocket Surgery” is a combined form of “It ain’t Rocket Science” and “It ain’t Brain Surgery”.
      You’ve never heard it before?
      Oh well, learn something new every day, I always say! :-D

      Oct 13, 2009 at 7:31 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.6   Neeners

      Your right, I did. I don’t get out much I guess.

      Oct 13, 2009 at 7:36 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.7   anglophile bang

      Nevermind, nothing to see here, folks. Move it along.

      Oct 13, 2009 at 7:42 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   adam

    Haha, “tins”. Silly Euros can’t even get the word can right.

    Oct 13, 2009 at 8:07 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   Canthz_B bang

      That’s “Cannes”.

      Oct 14, 2009 at 8:58 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   Woman on the Verge bang

    Why, exactly, do you suppose Andrew couldn’t just ASK if anyone has his precious tin opener? Why the formal note? Oh! I get it… It’s Prince Andrew and he’s addressing his staff! (go ahead… you know you want to say something about him “addressing his staff”)

    Oct 13, 2009 at 8:22 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   Canthz_B bang

      “Helloooo, Staff.”

      Ok, so I watched The Honeymooners way too much.

      Oct 13, 2009 at 8:37 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.2   pony girl bang

      What’s crazier, saying ‘tally ho’ to a fox or saying ‘hello’ to a golf ball?

      Oct 13, 2009 at 7:10 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.3   MAMARILLA2 bang

      The hardest part of addressing your staff is getting the stamp on the proper corner of the staff member.

      Oct 13, 2009 at 8:07 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #20   Critical Grass

    Haha, you never went to a chemistry class in your life, did you?

    Oct 13, 2009 at 8:22 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   Woman on the Verge bang

      Is this a gigglebrax fail or have you been playing with your tin opener too long?

      Oct 13, 2009 at 8:25 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.2   Critical Grass

      Total gigglebrax fail AND I’ve been playing with my can opener too long. It’s shiny! :D

      Oct 13, 2009 at 8:30 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #21   lili

    andrew! you suave devil.

    Oct 13, 2009 at 8:45 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   Critical Grass

      rico… suave…

      *sorry, just remembered the song*

      Oct 13, 2009 at 9:07 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.2   Mark bang

      Taco… grande…

      Oct 13, 2009 at 10:23 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.3   Meesh

      Mucho… tarde…

      Oct 13, 2009 at 12:15 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.4   imo®

      Imo® Gigante!

      Oct 13, 2009 at 1:45 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.5   mamason bang

      mama mia!

      Oct 13, 2009 at 3:46 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.6   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Chinga su madre?

      Oct 13, 2009 at 6:33 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.7   Critical Grass bang

      Y tu madre también!

      Oct 13, 2009 at 7:01 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.8   pony girl bang

      You kiss your mama with that mouth?

      Oct 13, 2009 at 7:05 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.9   Critical Grass bang

      porca madre…

      Oct 13, 2009 at 8:08 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.10   pony girl bang

      Your mama is a porcupine?

      Oct 13, 2009 at 8:48 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.11   Critical Grass bang

      Yo mamma, chica. ;)

      Oct 13, 2009 at 9:39 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.12   MAMARILLA2 bang

      No you di’n't. *snap*.

      Oct 17, 2009 at 2:49 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   unfortun8one

    “Best Wishes!”

    Best wishes, indeed! (wishes that the tin-opener thief has cut his thumb off by mistake and will return with the precious implement, bloody, but apologetic…)

    Oct 13, 2009 at 9:10 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   park rose bang

    STOP PRESSES!! ANDREW’S TIN OPENER MISSING. DO NOT APPROACH. ARMED AND KNOWN TO BE DANGEROUS.

    Fancy Pants Tin Opener was sentenced to the solitary confinement of his own special drawer, nearest the sink, top shelf, top dog. Cushy you might say, but the screws made his life hell. So he planned to leg it out of there as soon as he could, and he knew Andrew would be looking for a grass, a sneak, someone to dob him in, to rat him out. That’s when he broke one of the legs of the cheap nasty tin opener that had blown in from China, just to show them. Don’t nobody mess with Fancy Pants. As for the cheap opener, well, what could he say? It was a bottom, after all. Someone always has to be the bottom. Rotting away forever in the drawer below his. Life wasn’t fair and now that opener didn’t work that well.

    “Anyone squeals and you’ll get yours and you’ll get it good,” he snarled, then he busted out of the can, for a change. It felt good to be free.

    Oct 13, 2009 at 9:35 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   GiggidyGiggidy

      BRAVO (or Brava)!!!!!

      Oct 13, 2009 at 3:29 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   oi bang

    October 13, 2009
    Dear Andrew,
    Please sit down, I want you to take a deep breathe. Calm down Andrew. My heart sinks to the bottom saying this but I have to. Your expensive tin opener has run away with Katerina’s board. He is fine though and asks for your blessings. Be rational Andrew, he is not a child anymore. He has his own life to live.
    Hope god puts enough love in your heart and you would be able to forgive them.
    Best wishes,
    your fellow flatmate.

    Oct 13, 2009 at 11:55 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   bowloftoast bang

    Twenty-Fourth!

    Oct 13, 2009 at 12:47 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   Critical Grass bang

      Yey! I’m 23 times happier for you!

      Oct 13, 2009 at 12:58 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.2   imo®

      Someone always gets 24th before I can! Shoot! *kicks the dirt*

      Oct 13, 2009 at 1:47 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.3   MAMARILLA2 bang

      You will always be 24th in my heart imo. mi amore.

      Oct 13, 2009 at 7:52 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.4   Critical Grass bang

      You can always be 42nd, imo.

      Oct 13, 2009 at 8:12 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #26   FredGarvin

    I would be honoured if someone would favour Andrew with the return of his can opener. Thank you.

    Oct 13, 2009 at 1:11 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   Gandalf

    So, Andrew, having a bit of a time getting the “cans” to “open up?”

    *wink, wink, nudge, nudge*
    Say no more, say no more!

    Oct 13, 2009 at 2:14 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   Harrods Secret Shopper

      ‘Ey Andy, lookit tha’ 200 g can of tuna, all shiny like !

      I imagine she’d fancy a twist of the wrist, wudncha say!?

      Ooooh, an’ lookit Lady Marmalade oover on aisle three…

      Showin’ off everythin’ down to the sweet rind in her fancy glass jar !

      Oooh, I’d like t’ buy ‘er some curtains and get all private wif ‘er !

      Only problem wif ‘er type is you gotta unscrew ‘er before ya do ‘er !

      Oooh yeah, Andy boy, this is the life, innit ?
      This ain’t workin’…this is how ya do it!

      Oct 13, 2009 at 2:50 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #28   MAMARILLA2 bang

    There is a vortex that exists. Certain things enter this vortex unpredictably and unannounced..Single socks, bits of flatware, bottle openers, occasional pieces of needed mail, loose keys, and more often than not, tin openers. Sometimes they will return from the vortex subtly changed.

    Oct 13, 2009 at 6:41 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #28.1   Woman on the Verge bang

      So that’s where my jury summons and canola oil have gone!

      Oct 13, 2009 at 6:54 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.2   Geek Goddess

      It is believed that the vortex somehow connects with the dryer. Also, very rarely, something from elsewhere will exit this vortex, into your own space. Socks are particularly prone to this, however, never in even numbers, and never as a match for socks already present in your space.

      That’s my story anyway.

      Oct 13, 2009 at 7:16 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #29   Neeners

    This note is so polite in its righteous indignation that I feel I should look for that damn tin opener myself all the way over here in America.

    Andrew, why the period after the date? Is that some English thing? And the bold memo line….what is that for, are we are at work or something?

    Oct 13, 2009 at 7:19 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #29.1   Palomon bang

      Why the period after your name? I was sort of on ole’ Andrew’s side for a second, but he put a friggin’ period after his “bottom of the Declaration” signature and I found myself rooting for whoever stole the opener.

      Frankly, I don’t think Andrew wrote the note. He is, in fact, a near-toothless bare-knuckle boxer, loan shark enforcer or Starbucks barrista who whined about his missing opener. One of the other toughs in the apartment overheard and wrote the note in faux posh style.

      Oct 13, 2009 at 10:32 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.2   Neeners

      Who says ‘Best Wishes’ to somebody you are accusing of stealing your tin opener (aka can opener)?

      That’s like saying,

      I say old chap, I do believe you’ve stolen my wallet. Do be a good man and return it as I am currently using a less desirable wallet. One with less money in it. Cheerio, tut tut and all

      YOURS TRULY,
      Andrew (the douchey guy you mugged)

      Oct 13, 2009 at 11:11 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.3   park rose bang

      A period after the date is a welcome relief for some.

      Oct 13, 2009 at 11:15 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #30   pony girl bang

    Andrew,

    You never use me anymore.
    You used to use me every day. Sometimes 2 or 3 times in a day.
    Now I’m lucky if you use me once a month. I should have known that you’d found another opener when you allowed your friends and flatmates to use me whenever they wanted.

    Well, now you will know what it is like to have your heart broken.

    You will never see your precious posh tin opener again. I lured it away and threw it in the Thames.

    Guess you’ll just have to make do with me, you pretentious pratt!

    Sincerely,
    and with no regrets whatsoever,
    Your First Tin Opener

    ps
    This could have ended differently.
    If only you’d been honest with me and treated me with the decency and respect that every cheap tin opener deserves.

    Oct 13, 2009 at 8:58 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #30.1   Critical Grass bang

      It’s a cheap tin opener, but it has feelings too!

      what?

      Oct 13, 2009 at 9:45 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #31   mcdsc bang

    Well there is still no tin opener; I have no idea where that has gone. He has since lost his Tesco eco bag and has written two notes about that. I am thinking about leaving Andrew a note telling him I cant read.

    Oct 16, 2009 at 3:45 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #32   Joshtyn

    omg!!! that’s hilarious!! I actually laughed…out loud…. bless Andrew

    Oct 21, 2009 at 4:20 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #33   anonymous

    Ugh, that first sentence IS NOT A QUESTION.

    Use a period, motherfucker.

    Oct 28, 2009 at 2:08 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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