That wasn't cream cheese. It was diamond cream. (Or was it?) | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com — funny (if not necessarily "passive-aggressive") notes from pissed-off people

…since we’re a community

October 25th, 2009 · 146 comments

Chris in Providence brings us this show-stopper from the Computer Science department at Brown University. My head is still spinning a little bit.

Meanwhile, in Lake Forest, California…

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FILED UNDER: CAPS LOCK · signed with love · stealing · university

146 responses so far ↓

#1 Geek Goddess

How frustrating! You discover that the bagels you stole the cream cheese for are, in their turn, stolen, and then you discover that it wasn’t cream cheese at all. Some days crime just doesn’t pay.

Oct 25, 2009 at 8:55 pm rating: +45

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- #1.1 HairySwede
  
  except that the cream cheese turned out to be made of diamonds. so crime does, in fact, pay.
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 1:47 pm rating: +14
- #1.2 LB
  
  That diamond cream was fucking delicious.
  
  Oct 27, 2009 at 12:28 pm rating: +4
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#2 leftfoot

To Whomever is Dumb Enough to Leave $250 Cream in the Fridge:

I knew it was diamond cream. You’re the idiot for leaving something so expensive in the fridge. Maybe next time you’ll leave your personal, non-food stuffs at home and I won’t steal your shit.

Thanks! My skin looks FANTASTIC!

Oct 25, 2009 at 8:58 pm rating: +34

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- #2.1 Kelly
  
  Well, at least you’ll be easy to identify, what with all of that sparkling.
  
  Oct 25, 2009 at 9:09 pm rating: +13
- #2.2 hellocello
  
  Too whoever took my golf cart.
  
  That wasn’t a golf cart. It was a Mercedes Benz. There was leather seats in there. I guess you got screwed haha. Bet you looked funny driving that on the golf course!
  
  Thanks!
  
  Oct 25, 2009 at 9:32 pm rating: +59
- #2.3 AuntyBron
  
  What the hell is “Diamond Cream”?
  
  Oct 25, 2009 at 10:56 pm rating: +20
- #2.4 GK
  
  I don’t know, Kelly… he might get mixed up with the sparkly, the pensive, the ~~chagrined~~, the one and only (thank God) Edward Cullen!
  
  I’m on Team Buffy!
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 4:03 am rating: +12
- #2.5 farcical aquatic ceremony
  
  BTVS rocks, Twilight sucks. The end.
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 7:36 am rating: +16
- #2.6 Critical Grass
  
  Me, I miss the simpler times. I mean, I don’t think BTVS was all that good, but it was definitely better than this stupid, stupid, stupid Twilight phenomenon. At least no one in BTVS cast used body shimmer.
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 8:53 am rating: +5
- #2.7 jim
  
  I very much appreciate the moniker “Farcical Aquatic Ceremony!”
  
  BTW, good vamp media include, but are not limited to:
  Interview With the Vampire
  Bram Stoker’s Dracula
  Blade
  Blade II
  The Lost Boys
  Once Bitten
  From Dusk Til Dawn
  True Blood
  Twilight
  Buffy The Vampire Slayer THE MOVIE, not that crap with the coke whore from Cruel Intentions
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 2:45 pm rating: +2
- #2.8 mamason
  
  “What the hell is diamond cream?”
  
  It’s what happens in my panties everytime Papa brings home another blue Tiffany’s box.
  
  *do not subm… doh! *
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 4:24 pm rating: +16
- #2.9 mystic_eye_cda
  
  Sooooooooooooo bad and yet sooooooooo good
  
  Oct 27, 2009 at 3:08 pm rating: 0
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#3 Jennifer

Maybe those two should get together then they would have it all…..

Oct 25, 2009 at 9:00 pm rating: +4

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- #3.1 Geek Goddess
  
  ♫ I’ve Got a Brand New Pair of Roller Skates
  (You’ve Got a Brand New Key) ♪
  
  Oct 25, 2009 at 9:47 pm rating: +7
- #3.2 park rose
  
  @3 …just like ~~Bogie~~ Monroe and Bacall…
  
  and GG, and the keymaster person below…the song is Key Largo!
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 3:00 am rating: +2
- #3.3 Palomon
  
  The guy from “Twilight” is more than a hundred years old. Wouldn’t dating a high school chick make him a bit of a ‘perv? Or a hero, depending on your point of view, I suppose.
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 10:00 am rating: +1
- #3.4 Mo®
  
  I think that we should get together and try them out you see ♬
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 11:56 am rating: +3
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#4 karen

I hope that diamond thief broke a tooth.

Oct 25, 2009 at 9:00 pm rating: +3

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- #4.1 park rose
  
  Probably avoided it. Everyone knows that you dip karats into diamond cream cheese.
  
  Oct 25, 2009 at 10:11 pm rating: +50
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#5 PeaceLoveFood

Interesting that the first writer presumes others are as stupid as her. She left diamond cream in the public fridge and it was stolen so therefore the thief must also be an idiot who mistook it for cottage cheese and ate it. Yeah.

Her mind should be donated to science. Or art. She’s crazy enough for either to make something useful out of it.

Oct 25, 2009 at 9:01 pm rating: +9

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- #5.1 AnonEMouse
  
  Interesting that this commenter presumes the first writer is an idiot when the commenter is the one who thinks the thief mistook it for COTTAGE cheese and ate it.
  
  I mean the note only says CREAM 5 times.
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 9:56 am rating: +16
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#6 Canthz_B

I didn’t know Nostradumbass lived in California.

Oct 25, 2009 at 9:04 pm rating: +7

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- #6.1 Critical Grass
  
  And yet the most amazing thing is that powerless attitude. I mean, just go get more bagels, those weren’t the last ones on Earth. And if they were, there’s a whole bunch of options out there, dude. You don’t have to starve because someone stole your bagels, have some eggs, gee!
  
  Oct 25, 2009 at 10:24 pm rating: +7
- #6.2 GK
  
  They just wouldn’t be the same.
  
  <sigh>
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 4:32 am rating: +7
- #6.3 Amanda
  
  @Critical Grass: not the point–he shouldn’t have to run out and buy more after he already paid for some once, because a thief stole them.
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 10:05 am rating: +5
- #6.4 Critical Grass
  
  Yeah… I shouldn’t have to explain a joke either…
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 10:17 am rating: +15
- #6.5 MM
  
  Only if it does not come off as a joke, whatsoever.
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 12:59 pm rating: +3
- #6.6 infant tyrone
  
  Children, stop that *infernal bickering* this minute or so help me, I’m gonna tan your hides so fast you’ll need ’bout an SPF 90 before you sit.
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 2:26 pm rating: +6
- #6.7 GK
  
  Dawww, it thinks it’s people.
  
  Oct 28, 2009 at 4:02 am rating: 0
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#7 Julia

I just want to ask the first note writer if he truly feels that the community is complete without at least one thief.

It’s the people like that – the thieves, the town drunks, the spinsters – that make a community whole. He should think about that.

Oct 25, 2009 at 9:04 pm rating: +33

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- #7.1 Canthz_B
  
  Yup. That was the winning formula for The Andy Griffith Show.
  Well, maybe there was no thief, but I strongly suspect that Goober was using meth.
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 8:00 pm rating: +3
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#8 Canthz_B

Dear bagel thief,

Man cannot live on bread alone. Go back and steal two days worth of cream cheese.
Dude has plenty.

Oct 25, 2009 at 9:06 pm rating: +10

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#9 Critical Grass

Why would you put your diamond cream in a cream cheese package?

I’m sure that if it was in its own package labeled “Diamond cream”… Yeah, it ‘d still be stolen.

Oct 25, 2009 at 9:09 pm rating: +2

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#10 Critical Grass

Isn’t it weird that in the same work place where a person can afford to buy Diamond Cream and just don’t care enough about it to leave it in the “community” fridge, there’s also someone so desperate that has to steal cream cheese from the same beforementioned fridge?

Ah… The discrepancies of today’s economy.

Oct 25, 2009 at 9:16 pm rating: +19

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- #10.1 leftfoot
  
  Um.. the 2 notes are from very 2 different places. The first one on the east coast (Rhode Island) and the second on the west coast in California.
  
  Reading is power!
  
  Oct 25, 2009 at 9:40 pm rating: +8
- #10.2 Geek Goddess
  
  The cream cheese thief and the Diamond Cream both belong with the first note. The second note references a bagel thief.
  
  Reading (with comprehension) is power!
  
  Oct 25, 2009 at 9:51 pm rating: +34
- #10.3 Bree
  
  They were just talking about the first note. Reading is power!
  
  Oct 25, 2009 at 9:52 pm rating: +4
- #10.4 Geek Goddess
  
  You can say that again, “Reading is power!”
  
  Oct 25, 2009 at 9:54 pm rating: +5
- #10.5 Critical Grass
  
  Just so we’re clear, Leftfoot at 10.1, I was talking about the first note. Now, I see why you got confused, when you think bagels, you think cream cheese, it’s automatic, really.
  
  But again, I was referring only to the first note. I repeat, only to the first note. Solamente lo primero recado.
  
  Oct 25, 2009 at 10:11 pm rating: +7
- #10.6 Neeners
  
  Really, because I read a lot, A LOT and I have absolutely no power, especially at work. What am I doing wrong here?
  
  As a matter of fact when I am reading something at work those in ‘power’ say “What the hell are you doing,? Quit reading and get back to work!” Oh and I work in a library.
  
  Oct 25, 2009 at 10:15 pm rating: +31
- #10.7 Critical Grass
  
  Yeah right, reading is power… Bush didn’t read (anything, really) and look where he g… Nevermind.
  
  Oct 25, 2009 at 10:27 pm rating: +6
- #10.8 cce
  
  well i submitted the note, but had never heard of diamond cream and just assumed the writer was using a figurative expression to mean the cream cheese was very valuable; e.g., that was “diamond cream” or “diamond mustard” or what have you. turns out there’s a beauty product with ground-up diamonds in it?
  
  i still can’t take the note literally — why would anyone need to refrigerate beauty cream? google comes up empty.
  
  Oct 25, 2009 at 10:37 pm rating: +6
- #10.9 AuntyBron
  
  Reading is Power!! I know because I’ve been reading all of these comments and I feel more powerful already.
  
  Oct 25, 2009 at 10:55 pm rating: +8
- #10.10 Neeners
  
  So does this diamond cream exfoliate? No wonder they took it.
  
  Oct 25, 2009 at 10:58 pm rating: 0
- #10.11 leftfoot
  
  1 – oooops.. my drunk bad.
  
  2 – they refrigerate it because cold cream, when it’s literally cold, moisturizes and closes pores.
  
  Oct 25, 2009 at 11:32 pm rating: +3
- #10.12 park rose
  
  Well, you couldn’t say that the two notes are carbon copies of one another, but note number two might be a diamond in the rough draft if the writer doesn’t get too precious – real PAN gems, though, are as multi-faceted as they come.
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 2:49 am rating: +8
- #10.13 infant tyrone
  
  #1 looks as though it is taped to one of the galley doors in a 747 aircraft.
  
  If I squint hard enough it looks like it is signed “Lucy”.
  
  Do the math…It wasn’t signed John Fred….
  
  Picture yourself in a boat on a river….
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 10:01 am rating: +1
- #10.14 Geek Goddess
  
  Lucy? is that you?
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 4:40 pm rating: +2
- #10.15 Palomon
  
  Every state n the USA has something it can boast of,
  A product that that state, produces the most of.
  Rhode Island may be little, but oh my!
  They have a product anyone would buy.
  Cotton comes from Louisiana, gophers from Montana, and spuds from Idaho!
  They plow lands in the cow lands of Misourra,
  Where most beef meant for roast beef seems to grow,
  But you, you come from Rhode Island,
  And little old Rhode Island, is famous for you!
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 6:07 pm rating: +2
- #10.16 infant tyrone
  
  Lucy’s on the right…on the left is her friend Judy, friend of John Fred.
  
  When they both don shades…it’s hard to tell’em apart.
  
  But neither of them will be mistaken for Suzy…
  Zappa’s girl…remember Suzy Creamcheese?
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 6:12 pm rating: 0
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#11 Canthz_B

To whoever stole my mayonnaise:

That wasn’t mayonnaise, that was Ponds cold cream.
I can easily afford more, but you’ll be spending a fortune on toilet paper in the near future.

Oct 25, 2009 at 9:26 pm rating: +39

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- #11.1 Neeners
  
  It wasn’t mayonnaise, it was a donation for the local sperm bank. I guess they pay for that **** (if the donor is at least intelligent). Some places pay good money for harvested eggs (and I don’t mean from chickens.) Ladies great idea to raise some extra Christmas cash for all your shopping needs.
  
  Oct 25, 2009 at 10:43 pm rating: +3
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#12 flaboy2425

Why do you people think that everything in the fridge belongs to them? I’m putting a mouse trap in my lunch box. Be forewarned.

If you didn’t put it in the fridge, don’t take it out

Oct 25, 2009 at 9:30 pm rating: +3

reply to this comment
- #12.1 Neeners
  
  Which people? Well it’s my fridge and I’m going to put a mouse trap in there, complete with dead mouse.
  
  Oct 25, 2009 at 10:51 pm rating: +2
- #12.2 Pishposh
  
  Pack a brownie laced with horse laxatives in with your lunch. If someone steals your lunch from the communal fridge, they’ll need a new colon. If your lunch is left untouched, leave the brownie aside for the next day. Repeat as is necessary, changing it up every so often (another idea: leave egg salad outside for a few days before packing it in your lunch bag). Just be sure you remember what’s safe to eat at lunchtime.
  
  Oct 25, 2009 at 11:46 pm rating: +16
- #12.3 Neeners
  
  I love your evil ways.
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 12:01 am rating: +3
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#13 Critical Grass

My skin looks all pasty and green
I’m all covered in acne
I’ll look in the fridge for my moisturiser
Only to find out it’s gone

Lost my cream cheese with diamonds
Lost my cream cheese with diamonds
Lost my cream cheese with diamonds
Lost my cream cheese with diamonds

Oct 25, 2009 at 9:34 pm rating: +3

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- #13.1 infant tyrone
  
  Fly Critical Grass Airways…
  gets you there on time!
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 10:04 am rating: 0
- #13.2 Amanda
  
  Awesome.
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 10:07 am rating: 0
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#14 aaa

Why don’t you want to fucking share? I mean, we’re are a community, after all.

Oct 25, 2009 at 9:54 pm rating: +11

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- #14.1 GoldenShow-Slumbers
  
  A community of stuttering fools.
  
  We are are a community …
  
  Oct 25, 2009 at 11:08 pm rating: +3
- #14.2 Neeners
  
  c-c-c-community
  
  Oct 25, 2009 at 11:20 pm rating: +3
- #14.3 aaa
  
  What? You don’t do not repeat those little verbs just for fun?
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 12:12 am rating: +2
- #14.4 GK
  
  I thought we were an autonomous collective.
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 4:46 am rating: +12
- #14.5 Beanster
  
  it’s things like the discrepancy in income allowing some coworkers to buy diamond cream while i’m stuck harvesting mud that makes me feel so very repressed. we didn’t vote for that sort of thing.
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 9:01 am rating: +5
- #14.6 Meesh
  
  “supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony!”
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 11:23 am rating: +4
- #14.7 Mo®
  
  Oh, but you can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you.
  Oh but if I went ’round sayin’ I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they’d put me away.
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 11:52 am rating: +8
- #14.8 mamason
  
  Resistance is futile but that Diamond Cream was fucking delicious!
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 3:59 pm rating: +2
- #14.9 oi
  
  don’t startle mama, that’s me thumbing you.
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 4:19 pm rating: +2
- #14.10 mamason
  
  She stuck in her thumb and pulled out a plum and said, “Wait a minute… that’s not a plum! ”
  
  ((((oi)))) ♥
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 4:29 pm rating: +2
- #14.11 park rose
  
  grape, plum, grape, plum… what’s the difference?
  Or maybe you’ve got spores, that dingle-dangle-dingle?(berry much?)
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 6:21 pm rating: +4
- #14.12 oi
  
  May be I need to research what you guys mean by thumbing. on second thought, I am fine without knowing it.
  For me it was seemingly a dirty term.
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 6:33 pm rating: 0
- #14.13 park rose
  
  oi, I was just working on the idea of hæmorrhoids, or hemorrhoids… I was going to post the wikipedia link, but I might let you find it yourself – it has a picture that the PAN community might not want to be led to.
  
  And, dingleberry (that’s a straight reference, not Urban Dictionary), and an old song.
  
  A wide arc. Apologies.
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 6:47 pm rating: +1
- #14.14 oi
  
  Nope I am not clicking on any of ‘em. I am grossed out already. Never thought in that direction. I take my comment back.
  Just something dirty.
  sorry mama. I would still thumb you in it’s cleanest meaning though.
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 6:56 pm rating: 0
- #14.15 park rose
  
  The last two are very innocent, oi, I assure you. Only the wikipedia was a bit gross.
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 7:21 pm rating: +1
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#15 JetJackson

Dear Hungry Guy,

You are very welcome.

Love,

Bagel Thief.

Oct 25, 2009 at 9:58 pm rating: +3

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#16 Critical Grass

Oh… The community is not gonna be happy about this…

Oct 25, 2009 at 10:13 pm rating: +5

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#17 JetJackson

What!? You refridgerate your diamond cream… ?

DIE YUPPIE SCUM!

Oct 25, 2009 at 10:18 pm rating: +4

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#18 Billy

I think we have our thief:

http://the-op.com/media/image2.php?ep=202&i=761&cat=6200

Oct 25, 2009 at 10:22 pm rating: +8

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#19 Neeners

Wow …. all I can say is WOW. Nearly speechless. That first note is one of the stupidest things I have ever laid eyes on. I feel dumber for having read it and for even commenting on it. It is almost more inane than the note from Miss Place this month.
Diamond Cream? What the hell is diamond cream? It doesn’t even remotely make sense and I would enjoy slapping you silly right now whomever you are. Really wouldn’t it have been better to just not bother?

Oct 25, 2009 at 10:26 pm rating: +2

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- #19.1 Neeners
  
  I’m too cranky and mean to comment tonight I guess. Oh wait, that is the perfect time to comment. Still if you can’t say something nice…….go post it on PAN.
  
  Oct 25, 2009 at 10:27 pm rating: +2
- #19.2 oi!
  
  “I feel dumber for having read it”
  but Neeners we just proved reading is the power!! ask leftfoot if you won’t believe me.
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 9:24 am rating: 0
- #19.3 Neeners
  
  I just felt like using a quote from ‘Billy Madison’.
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 10:05 am rating: 0
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#20 Neeners

Brown? Are you kidding? You will find some of the stupidest people working at universities. I know I work at one….hey, I just insulted myself. I didn’t know I could hurt my own feelings.

Oct 25, 2009 at 10:46 pm rating: +2

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- #20.1 Geek Goddess
  
  Pats Neeners comfortingly on the shoulder;
  scolds Neeners for being unkind;
  wonders if she should have just stayed out of it all.
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 2:00 am rating: +5
- #20.2 jinx
  
  There’s this one guy who works at my university. He worked in the English department and we had an English class together. OMG! I’ve seen nonenglish people string together more coherent stuff than the shit he would bring to class. However, when asked if he knew so and so in the department, he gave this blank look. So, he was either a liar or retarded.
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 3:02 pm rating: 0
- #20.3 mamason
  
  Me too.
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 4:01 pm rating: +3
- #20.4 Critical Grass
  
  Aw… You’re getting thumbed again, mama!
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 4:55 pm rating: +1
- #20.5 mamason
  
  mmmmmmmmmmm
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 5:13 pm rating: +1
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#21 Havingfitz

I can’t afford diamond cream, but I have to say that cubic zirconium cream is absolutely delicious, much lower in fat, and tastes just like the real thing.

Oct 25, 2009 at 10:59 pm rating: +34

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- #21.1 Neeners
  
  I can’t even afford the cz cream. I am using the rhinestone cream. It’s cheap and pasty but sparkles in just the right light.
  
  Oct 25, 2009 at 11:10 pm rating: +5
- #21.2 farcical aquatic ceremony
  
  Ha! Rhinestones??!? All I can afford is glitter in my cream cheese, and it’s ‘used’ glitter at that (scraped off with a spatula when I get home from the club each morning).
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 8:17 am rating: +5
- #21.3 park rose
  
  Now if Neil Diamond had recorded Rhinestone Cowboy instead of Glen Campbell…
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 9:06 am rating: +8
- #21.4 Neeners
  
  Who do you think is more of a man in their rhinestones, Glen or Neil?
  
  I vote neither, gimme Elvis, now he could pull it off.
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 10:07 am rating: +2
- #21.5 infant tyrone
  
  @rose….
  
  Even if he had, no way Pearl Jam would have covered Ruby Tuesday.
  
  And no way Electric Flag’s Drinkin’ Wine would have included:
  
  Well some buy the pints, some buy the quartz, and
  If you’re buyin’ half-gallons then you’re playin’ it smart
  
  Many things have happened against long odds,
  but no way these two were to come topaz.
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 7:09 pm rating: +3
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#22 Sally

I can’t believe no one would assume there was an Arrested Development reference in the first note!

That was my first thought!

Oct 25, 2009 at 11:07 pm rating: +4

reply to this comment
- #22.1 Beanster
  
  i thought of it too, but i think arrested development is just savvy enough to make a reference to the idiocies of real life. notewriter one just happens to be participating in those idiocies.
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 8:57 am rating: +1
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#23 bcteagirl

We need to get these two together… it’s like the Gatekeeper and the Keymaster (Or keep them apart if you are the type that does not rejoice when body parts fall from the skies… whatever).

Oct 26, 2009 at 12:33 am rating: +3

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- #23.1 park rose
  
  comment shifted further up the gravy train ^
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 2:53 am rating: +1
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#24 Adam

yea, like Diamond Dallas Page!

Oct 26, 2009 at 1:08 am rating: 0

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#25 Renagade676

Why do people assume thieves have a conscience?

Oct 26, 2009 at 1:16 am rating: +1

reply to this comment
- #25.1 park rose
  
  There’s this koan about it, see?
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 2:54 am rating: +3
- #25.2 Critical Grass
  
  Yeah, it goes something like this:
  
  -Why do people assume that thieves have a concience?
  - Why does one assume that they don’t? The concience is not one, the concience is everything.
  
  Nah, I’m just messing with you.
  OmShiva!
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 10:01 am rating: +2
- #25.3 infant tyrone
  
  Um, rose…?
  
  Did you have a dream about a guy with a blanket underneath his arm?
  
  Coat of solid gold?
  
  CG?
  Did you have a dream about rose having a …never mind…
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 10:25 am rating: +2
- #25.4 Critical Grass
  
  Yes.
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 11:07 am rating: +2
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#26 ralph

you people need to watch more arrested development. I mean, seriously.

Oct 26, 2009 at 8:16 am rating: +3

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- #26.1 park rose
  
  I think Billy at 10.22 last night is onto it ralph. Don’t fret.
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 9:11 am rating: +2
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#27 Paul

I wonder how it tasted?

Oct 26, 2009 at 8:33 am rating: 0

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- #27.1 mamason
  
  That’s what she said.
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 4:12 pm rating: +1
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#28 Phalange

I sprinkle diamonds on all my food, for 2 reasons:

1) It’s the most balling shit you can do to your food.

2) It makes my doodie twinkle.

Oct 26, 2009 at 8:43 am rating: +6

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#29 oi!

If it’s just normal cream cheese I would not steal it. If It’s fused with diamonds , You can bet your ass I will steal it. I mean It’s certainly less riskier than the other passion of mine. (pointing the gun at the teller…)

Oct 26, 2009 at 9:21 am rating: +4

reply to this comment
- #29.1 oi!
  
  aw! so diamond cream is some kinda cosmetic cream? sorry my bad. Did not realize that.
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 9:30 am rating: 0
- #29.2 GK
  
  Don’t fret; it’s such a ridiculous concept, you can hardly be blamed for misunderstanding.
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 9:50 am rating: +3
- #29.3 Amanda
  
  I didn’t realise this either. Nor has my mind fully come to grips with the reality that some people have so much money to fritter away and are so shallow that they will buy this.
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 10:10 am rating: +1
- #29.4 Neeners
  
  I was reading about this diamond cream, are there actually diamonds in it? I am still unclear. If so that is also one of the more stupid ideas ever.
  
  Marketing meeting for diamond cream: “Hey let’s put one of the hardest substances known on earth in a wrinkle cream that exfoliates down to the third layer of epidermis and market it to women who don’t know what to do with all the money they have.”
  “Great idea Joe, and we’ll sell this crap to a high end store like Neiman Marcus to ensure we get top dollar. All women love diamonds right?”
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 10:13 am rating: +2
- #29.5 farcical aquatic ceremony
  
  step 1: rich women scrape surface from face with diamond cream
  step 2: facial offal is collected and melted down
  setp 3: melted offal is reconstituted with blossom fragrance into $20/bar soap
  step 4: soap is sold as ‘curative’ for rich women’s facial abrasions
  (step 5: all credit card companies are blown up, the world is ‘reset’)
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 2:03 pm rating: +3
add to this thread
#30 oi!

FIRST!!

Oct 26, 2009 at 9:58 am rating: +4

reply to this comment
- #30.1 infant tyrone
  
  Is that your “safeword” ?
  
  Just asking, cuz for now…y’know it looks like you’re…oh, but when I click “Submit”, then*I’ll* be the ‘bottom’…hmmm, I’ll have to think up a….
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 10:16 am rating: +1
- #30.2 infant tyrone
  
  ….new….
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 10:17 am rating: +1
add to this thread
#31 infant tyrone

…owww!….
.
.
.
Diamond Cream!
.
.
.
.
Burma Shave ?

Oct 26, 2009 at 10:18 am rating: +3

reply to this comment
#32 sexy_angelina

LOL incredible!

Oct 26, 2009 at 10:40 am rating: 0

reply to this comment
#33 oi

This note hurts my head.

Scene 1. She stored the cream cheese in refrigerator and wanted the thief to have a guilt trip(right??). Hence halfway though note she says oh it was not a cream cheese, it was a diamond cream. Now every time you want to steal the cream cheese think is’s diamond cream. Why does anybody not want to steal diamond cream? Does not make any sense!

Scene 2: She really stored diamond cream (why in the first place?) She has a title of note, “To Whoever stole my cream cheese!!” So she thought that whoever stole that cream thought it was cream cheese. Why does anybody not want to steal diamond cream? still does not make any sense!

Scene 3: She walks with tornado around her, blowing anything and everything away around her. “stiller” does not make any sense!!

There is no way out from this note.

Oct 26, 2009 at 10:43 am rating: +2

reply to this comment
- #33.1 Becky
  
  Sure there is.
  
  It’s just a joke. It was cream cheese, notewriter was being funny.
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 10:19 pm rating: +2
add to this thread
#34 Bellabeastie

Dear Bagel Thief/douchebag: Well, you’ve done it again. Thx. Now not only will I be face-down at my keyboard due to breakfast (NONE) — when I finally wake up (around noon or so) my complexion will look like shit and you are all glowing and fed. Well, this isn’t going unnoticed. Better watch your ass in the parking garage, cuz I “have friends”…

Oct 26, 2009 at 10:47 am rating: +1

reply to this comment
#35 Snayl

I’ve read the word “cream” so many times now, it’s starting to look weird… cream cream cream cream.

Oct 26, 2009 at 11:31 am rating: +2

reply to this comment
- #35.1 Bellabeastie
  
  Creeeeam, cream cream creeeam.. when I cream you,,all I want to do is creeeeaamm cream cream cream- whenever I want you, creeeeaammm.
  
  Urgh . *shiver*
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 11:54 am rating: +2
- #35.2 Neeners
  
  Whipped cream! Yum (the real stuff not that cool whip crap)
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 12:41 pm rating: +1
- #35.3 Bellabeastie
  
  Ok– I’m good with whipped… Poofy and light and lickable. ( I may regret this)
  
  No exfoliants necessary, thank you.
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 1:04 pm rating: +1
add to this thread
#36 Jillian

“A million f*cking diamonds!”

Ahhh Arrested Development…

Oct 26, 2009 at 12:28 pm rating: +4

reply to this comment
#37 Neeners

Maybe we could market a natural facial cream from cream cheese. We could call it Philly Phaces. You can get plain, chives, onion, blueberry, etc. It serves two purposes-it’s better than a clay mask for your pores and tastes great on Lender’s Bagel.

Oct 26, 2009 at 12:44 pm rating: +6

reply to this comment
- #37.1 infant tyrone
  
  After that’s a hit, we can put it in a aerosol can and call it Silly Philly!
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 2:42 pm rating: +5
- #37.2 Neeners
  
  That stuff is good to fill in cracks, all kinds of cracks. (Set myself up here) I grouted my tub with it last year and it is still holding up.
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 3:14 pm rating: +3
- #37.3 Bellabeastie
  
  “Grouted my tub”.. Must have lost it’s poofy and light lickable qualities by now. Shame. Now it must be hard and knarly.
  
  Diamond cream. When cracks attack.
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 5:43 pm rating: +1
add to this thread
#38 jinx

I think notewriter just wants diamond cream and is trying to guilt trip the theif, or other note readers, into buying her some to replace the jar they think she had. Crafty bitch.

Oct 26, 2009 at 3:09 pm rating: +3

reply to this comment
#39 ravi

i stole the diamond cream and now my dookie sparkles

Oct 26, 2009 at 3:26 pm rating: +6

reply to this comment
- #39.1 Renagade676
  
  Already been said earlier.
  
  It gives me a marketing idea, though.
  
  Diamond cream for dogs! You feed it to your dogs, their crap sparkles, voila! Instant yard decor for the lazy!
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 6:37 pm rating: +1
- #39.2 park rose
  
  But diamond dogs are poachers and they hide behind trees!
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 6:40 pm rating: +2
- #39.3 infant tyrone
  
  Mannequins with kill appeal ?
  
  Can’t tell if this is glitter/glam rock
  
  Maybe hard (as shiny dry dog doodie) rock
  
  Dressed up with all the young dudes, we’ll
  Sashay on the boardwalk, scurry to the ditch…
  
  Just watch what you’re stepping on if it’s shiny…
  You break it…you bought it
  
  Oct 26, 2009 at 7:21 pm rating: +4
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#40 Becky

People, this is embarrassing. I think being on this site has broken some of your humor detecting glands.

Oct 26, 2009 at 10:16 pm rating: +2

reply to this comment
#41 Wordtinker doesnt smith

It absolutely amazes me the lengths some women will go to in an effort to attain a ridiculously improbable standard of beauty.

Used industrial grade diamond dust infused into cold cream,
fish scales ground into lipstick (yep, that’s the real reason your lipstick has that irridescent shimmer),
and the active ingredient for Liquid Wrench (isopropyl myristate) in every “deep moisturizing” foundation, lotion and cream on the market.

I’m SO glad I was born devastatingly beautiful and don’t need to use any of that crap (surreptitiously slides her 40lb makeup kit behind the counter).

Oct 26, 2009 at 10:56 pm rating: +2

reply to this comment
- #41.1 Canthz_B
  
  Oh, I can just see the make-up episode on the Do-It-Yourself channel now…”How to make broiled red snapper and lip gloss”, “Your husband’s toolbox beauty secrets”.
  
  Oct 27, 2009 at 12:17 am rating: +1
add to this thread
#42 Genosha

I love that at my office there is a camera in the kitchen. Someone once was fired for stealing someone else’s burrito out of the fridge.

Oct 28, 2009 at 7:18 pm rating: 0

reply to this comment
#43 Heather

I grew up in Lake Forest, woot!

Nov 1, 2009 at 11:08 pm rating: 0

reply to this comment
#44 angelbreath

Becky – yeah, right?

ALL: The “diamond cream” note is probably a joke. Someone missing his cream cheese and trying to leave a funny tongue-in-cheek note. It certainly doesn’t look serious. Now git.

Nov 2, 2009 at 12:58 pm rating: 0

reply to this comment
#45 OhLawdy

I really like it when there are two that are vaguely related.

Oh oh oh.

Nov 2, 2009 at 11:13 pm rating: 0

reply to this comment

It’s all about communication. And toilet paper. (89)
- infant tyrone: Well, we can at least alert Edie to take Mom + BF off of her list of suspects in the case of those...
- Seanette: Assuming BF is not physically impaired, Team Mom.
- oi: “Seemingly innocent, but actually bursting with sarcasm comment “
If you could summarize BYU culture in one note… (79)
- JMonkey78: Yes a staple, like weird underoos, strange mission trips, strict rules, and multiple wives. Am I missing...
- JMonkey78: Those damn Baptist. They use too much water going around baptizing people. They are the cause of this...

painfully polite and hilariously hostile writings from shared spaces the world over

…since we’re a community

October 25th, 2009 · 146 comments

146 responses so far ↓

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