As we’ve noted here before, the white-collar nuisance known as the nibbler has been pathetically picking his (half)way through office kitchenettes across the land for some time now.
While the nibbler’s actions are usually met with disdain, one oh-so-compassionate office-worker from Omaha decided to take a different approach — an e-mail intervention, of sorts. I’d also be interested to see his advice for Mike in Cleveland, who seems to have similar delusions about the health impact of eating 9 donuts instead of 10.
(click the image below to enlarge)
The kicker? As it turns out, according to our anonymous submitter,”the bandit was, in fact, a guy!”
related: Just take the whole slice next time, okay?
203 responses so far ↓
#1
Canthz_B
Somebody sounds awfully upset about being left with only half a donut to call someone else a fat loser.
Odds are the half-a-donut bandit is thin, which explains why they only needed half.
Oct 28, 2009 at 11:26 pm rating: 90
#2
Kelly
Ever since I started eating donuts by the half, I’ve lost tons (metaphorically speaking) of weight!
Of course, this may have something to do with the intestinal parasite I ordered from the back of a Sears-Roebuck catalog.
Oct 28, 2009 at 11:40 pm rating: 90
#3
JetJackson
I think we have a ‘feeder’ on our hands here…
“What… only half the donut? Eat it bitch! Eat the fucking donut!”
Oct 28, 2009 at 11:50 pm rating: 90
#4
Canthz_B
I don’t know, am I to take it the the writer brings in donuts and bagels for the other employees on Fridays?
If so, and she (I say she because no guy would give a crap if someone only took half) hates overweight people so much, why doesn’t she bring in something a bit healthier…Denny’s All-American Slams perhaps (three scrambled eggs with Cheddar cheese, two bacon strips and two sausage links, plus hash browns or grits and choice of bread)?
Oct 28, 2009 at 11:50 pm rating: 90
#5
AuntyBron
First of all, if the donuts were for the employee appreciation, it ain’t theft.
Secondly, the note writer needs to re-read her nuitritional handbook. A half of a donut is NOT as bad as a whole donut – it has HALF the calories, fat, etc. (Hence the name…)
Oct 28, 2009 at 11:58 pm rating: 90
#6
bcteagirl
Never seen someone go so half assed over half a donut before..
Maybe it was half a jelly donut and he sucked all the jelly out?
Oct 29, 2009 at 12:16 am rating: 90
#7
park rose
Take the hole doughnut! Take the hole doughnut! Definitely no weight gain. You lose big time.
Funny that she quotes from the “Waste Land”. I guess that’s what the doughnut box (with the half doughnut) looked like to her, or possibly the “Waist Land”.
Oh, okay, I see it’s from “The Hollowmen”. Still the same writer. Still apt
Half-correct references, half-arsed research…
Oct 29, 2009 at 12:21 am rating: 90
#8
park rose
don’t do nuttin the box do in’ my nut in.
move along…
a squirrel wrote the above.
Oct 29, 2009 at 12:26 am rating: 90
#9
GK
But we still haven’t heard the most important part; what sort of man takes half a doughnut?! Inquiring minds want to know!
Oct 29, 2009 at 4:16 am rating: 90
#10
ScoobyJenkins
It may have only been half, but that half a donut was fucking delicious.
Oct 29, 2009 at 5:12 am rating: 90
#11
QuarterRoy00
I was turned into a half-donut bandit by an ass-pirate. It’s not my fault!
Oct 29, 2009 at 6:05 am rating: 90
#12
Critical Grass
I for one don’t like when people don’t go all the way in their actions, if it’s an everyday situation or a lifetime plan, you should always finish wh
Oct 29, 2009 at 7:29 am rating: 90
#13
HappyNat
It appears the fatty who sent the e-mail only took half of her meds that day. I say fatty because only a fatty would pay enough attention and encourage someone to eat a whole donut when they only wanted half.
Oct 29, 2009 at 7:31 am rating: 90
#14
Havingfitz
I can’t really relate. I don’t take half a donut. I’m more included to take half of all the whole donuts available, a few of the bagels, a couple tubs of cream cheese, the jug of orange juice, 50 napkins, a whole stack of plates, and possibly a chair while I’m at it.
Oct 29, 2009 at 7:42 am rating: 90
#15
Girl Friday
I will be purchasing donuts for my floor tomorrow and sending out a plagiarized version of this PAN. I love it!
Oct 29, 2009 at 7:49 am rating: 90
#16
Critical Grass
See, this is how it starts. First people only eat the top of the muffins, then they eat the sashimis and leave the rice balls on the plate, and now they’re eating half a donut. That ain’t right, people. What’s next? Posting half a comment on Twitter?
Oct 29, 2009 at 8:16 am rating: 90
#17
Michelle S.
“I say ‘girlfriend’ because no guy would take only a 1/2 a donut” is my favorite line this week.
I didn’t realize every office had a nibbler. Ours was the boss. This is the same boss that once banned junk food and pop from the graphics department during publication deadline week. Things get very ugly when you take an artist’s coke and nacho cheese doritos away from her during an 70+ hour work week.
Oct 29, 2009 at 8:36 am rating: 90
#18
Joe 2
“But I don’t want to EAT it. I only want to TASTE it.”
-Winnie the Pooh
Oct 29, 2009 at 8:46 am rating: 90
#19
Bellabeastie
Well, you wouldn’t want to come off as a Piglet, now would you?
Oct 29, 2009 at 9:02 am rating: 90
#20
aloria
Wow, this letter writer would have a nervous breakdown at my office. I’d say half the staff take half a donut whenever someone brings them in. Suits me just fine; I end up being the one who ends up scarfing all the delicious abandoned halves at the end of the day.
Oct 29, 2009 at 9:24 am rating: 90
#21
Bob
I like the slam on the guy’s masculinity.
Oct 29, 2009 at 9:32 am rating: 90
#22
Woman on the Verge
I always order a big ass diet coke with my double whopper with cheese meal. There are two very good reasons for this:
1. The lack of calories in the diet coke negates some of the calories from the meal.
2. I just love diet coke in a waxed paper cup with crushed ice and a straw. It makes me happy.
Oct 29, 2009 at 9:40 am rating: 90
#23
Wade
I think we are missing the marketing potential here.
I can see it now… Sell half-doughnuts at whole doughnut prices. Call them DonutsLite© – half the calories/half the fat
It’s a win-win!
Oct 29, 2009 at 9:49 am rating: 90
#24
cheeky
I truly fail to see the problem here. People eating a half a donut instead of a whole one just leave all the more donuts for me to eat!
Where I can I replace my colleagues (who may eat 2-3 donuts in one sitting) with these half-nibblers???
Oct 29, 2009 at 10:51 am rating: 90
#25
oi
What I want to know is how did it “turn out” that bandit was a man? What was the note writer’s reaction? Happy and triumphant that he found the thief or beaten like a pinched balloon after knowing that it was a guy?
Oct 29, 2009 at 10:52 am rating: 90
#26
aaa
Maybe the bandit realized that donuts are fucking nasty halfway through eating it and decided to stop there before he died.
P.S. Dignity is for losers.
Oct 29, 2009 at 10:55 am rating: 90
#27
Will
I get the Diet Coke with the Whopper. Because I like the taste better than regular Coke. Just because someone’s a fatty doesn’t mean he has an insatiable sweet tooth.
Oct 29, 2009 at 11:02 am rating: 90
#28
aaa
I am so a man
So what if I just ate half?
Where is my penis?
Oct 29, 2009 at 11:04 am rating: 90
#29
Nikki
PS to the sexist individual who wrote that, lots of guys do take half donuts. We have hoardes of men in my office each summer and plenty of them will only take a half donut. And, while you’re eating whole donuts, why don’t you just start eating the whole dozen because you’ve already lost the battle. Then, you may as well eat the whole dozen of bagels, too. And the whole tub of cream cheese, because you’ve already lost the battle.
Oct 29, 2009 at 11:06 am rating: 90
#30
Act
I like how it isn’t at all a possibility that maybe the “nibbler” just didn’t *want* the other half. That boggles me.
Oct 29, 2009 at 12:13 pm rating: 90
#31
Woman on the Verge
I must confess. Rather than eat a half donut, I would just lick the frosting off of a whole one and put it back. Hey, I’d be helping those anti-sugar nazis who want the plain donuts, right?
Oct 29, 2009 at 12:35 pm rating: 90
#32
Err
Oh look its the mysterious We making the decisions for the entire office again! I really do love We, whom ever that may be! What would we … or I do without We who makes all the decisions.
I’d love to know how that survey got passed around the office. Perhaps the email should have come with all the statistics a pie um.. err.. donut chart with data that the entire office with the exception of half a donut man prefers that the entire donut is taken.
Blackout would love to visit our office. More than one person here leaves 3/4 of a donut.
Oct 29, 2009 at 1:12 pm rating: 90
#33
7 minute abs
But it’s 7 minute abs!
Oct 29, 2009 at 1:48 pm rating: 90
#34
Beth
And things like this are why I take a whole donut, eat half, wrap the rest in a napkin and pitch it in the trash. You’re welcome, random dumpster diver!
Oct 29, 2009 at 1:51 pm rating: 90
#35
kidsis
As a person that orders a Diet Coke with the Double Whopper with cheese meal (king-sized, please), I’m offended by this emailer’s tone and implication. Ever stop to think that the maybe someone who does hat is diabetic? The food does very little to my blood sugar, but the soda could put me in a coma!
But, seriously, regular soda tastes so nasty to me now. The inside of my mouth tingles and there’s a weird aftertaste. Even other sugar-sweetened non soda beverages may be like that to me. Unless they’re chocolate baised,for some reason….
Oct 29, 2009 at 4:00 pm rating: 90
#36
Urispaz
I can completely sympathize with the note writer’s disdain for people who only do things halfway. Because I am disgusted with all you people who can’t even be bothered with spelling out doughnut all the way.
THIS IS WHY WE HAVE A TRADE DEFICIT, PEOPLE!! And I’m pretty sure it has something to do with the spread of the swine flu, too.
Oct 29, 2009 at 4:32 pm rating: 90
#37
angela
I don’t understand what’s so bad about taking half a donut?
Oct 29, 2009 at 6:47 pm rating: 90
#38
pony girl
All of these notes, all of these situations.
It’s as if none of these people ever went to kindergarten.
Oct 29, 2009 at 7:33 pm rating: 90
#39
EdGuth
Wasn’t there an oh-so-casual sexism tag at one point?
Oct 29, 2009 at 7:36 pm rating: 90
#40
pony girl
Any man who ‘nibbles’ half a donut can justly be called ‘girlfriend.’
Just sayin’.
(Not that there’s anything wrong with it.)
Oct 29, 2009 at 7:56 pm rating: 90
#41
Critical Grass
A poet once said: doing things half ways is my way of finishing them.
Maybe our half-donut bandit is just embracing a new life philosophy.
Oct 29, 2009 at 7:57 pm rating: 90
#42
bibberly
At my old job, people would take a QUARTER of a doughnut. Then when I took a whole doughnut, this one woman would say:
“Oooh, I’d like to eat a whole doughnut, but I actually care about getting fat, so I won’t.”
She also happened to walk through the break room most days when I was eating my lunch and say something similar. “That smells so good, I wish I could eat some. It must be nice to not care about being fat.”
For the record, I am fat, but she was fatter.
Oct 29, 2009 at 8:53 pm rating: 90
#43
OhLawdy
You know what you are, Only Eats Half of a Donut Person? YOU’RE A QUITTER. THAT’S WHAT YOU ARE.
And there’s no room for quitters, here.
Nor is there room for your closet fat ass.
Nov 2, 2009 at 11:10 pm rating: 90
#44
Jeff G
What does it mean if I’m a guy and I eat half a donut after having already eaten, say, for example, 3 others (thus 3.5 donuts total)?
Should just down that 4th?
Really? What if I’m totally stuffed, and I know I shouldn’t have even started the 4th, but it’s too late, now I’ve done it, but I really really can’t eat that last bit cuz I already had 3 donuts and I was actually not-at-all hungry when I had the 1st it was purely complusive, reflex greed, but now I’ve started that 4th and my whole body is screaming ‘no! no! stop, you can’t take any more!’ so to avoid puking or something equally gross, put down that last 1/2 a donut? What about that?
Thank you for your polite replies.
Nov 5, 2009 at 1:50 am rating: 90
#45
Nobody
Some people order a Whopper with cheese meal and a diet coke not because they are concerned about eating healthy but because they are diabetic and cannot have the sugar in regular coke!
Nov 6, 2009 at 11:44 am rating: 90
#46
Chiara
But half a doughnut IS better than a full doughnut!! It’s half the calories of a full doughnut. And if you know how many calories you’re allowed in a day, it is possible that this is a very reasonable compromise.
And similarly the diet coke thing- the burger isn’t good but you might as well not add to it by having a lot of coke.
Nov 14, 2009 at 6:29 pm rating: 90
#47
sjank1
Yes take the whole donut… throw the rest away if you do not want it…. but I do not want your damn leftovers that you probably did not use a knife to cut.
Nov 27, 2009 at 11:19 am rating: 90
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