jerk-o-lanterns

October 29th, 2009 · 157 comments

Chris in Valdosta, Georgia came home last Halloween Eve to find this friendly reminder taped to every mailbox in his quiet little cul-de-sac. (“It’s a little worse for wear,” Chris explains, “because I ripped it off and stomped it on a few times before scanning it.”)

The underlying message, interestingly enough, actually isn’t all that different from this one, by an unhappy Halloween celebrant in Somersworth, New Hampshire.

Meanwhile, Jake in Grand Rapids, Michigan came home last Halloween to this glowing display in his living room. “Apparently my roommate and his girlfriend had spent all day working on them,” Jake says. “I don’t think he was mad at me for any one particular thing, but he did this sort of thing on a fairly regular basis…which made living with him pretty entertaining.”

related: pumpkin with a death wish

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FILED UNDER: holiday spirit · jesus · roommates · you're like so going to hell

157 responses so far ↓

#1 rosie

Love it. Especially the last one. Considering doing that tomorrow while my roommates are at work.

Oct 29, 2009 at 10:58 pm rating: +16

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- #1.1 Neeners
  
  I would be afraid of falling asleep with that roomie! One eye open at all times.
  
  Oct 29, 2009 at 11:56 pm rating: +6
- #1.2 Geek Goddess
  
  Yeah, you never know when the whole place could go up in flames, what with the unattended candles and all.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 12:08 am rating: +15
- #1.3 spottedbuddy
  
  1.1 Neneers, Jake needn’t be too worried – the knives are probably pretty dull by now if the poor guy comes home to these pumpkins every day.
  
  However, I wouldn’t eat any pumpkin pie the roomie makes unless he takes a bite first.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 2:00 am rating: +6
- #1.4 Amilianna
  
  I can’t wait to see all the panotes carved into pumpkins after tomorrow… perhaps someone will even do the preacher’s note into one!
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 10:06 am rating: +3
- #1.5 Hall Monitor
  
  It’s never too early to get into a little Holiday spirit.
  
  Nov 1, 2009 at 1:53 pm rating: 0
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#2 Fresca

Dear Jake,

You just might be an asshole, but your roommate doesn’t have enough money to break the lease. Might want to investigate that possibility.

Oct 29, 2009 at 11:01 pm rating: +12

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- #2.1 Palomon
  
  Asshole theory: Look around the room. If you can’t find the asshole, it’s probably you. Happy Halloween, punkinhead.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 5:47 pm rating: 0
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#3 Canthz_B

That’s a novel idea…all pumpkin thieves should be made Rottweilers in Hell.

Plus, it’s a good name for a Grunge band.

Oct 29, 2009 at 11:12 pm rating: +17

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- #3.1 Critical Grass
  
  Hey CB, we should start a band. What do you think?
  We could call it “Insulting Pumpkins”.
  
  Oct 29, 2009 at 11:31 pm rating: +1
- #3.2 Canthz_B
  
  Isn’t making them into jack-o-lanterns insulting enough without my poor musical skills as accompaniment ?
  
  Oct 29, 2009 at 11:38 pm rating: +2
- #3.3 Critical Grass
  
  Yeah, I suppose…
  
  Oct 29, 2009 at 11:55 pm rating: 0
- #3.4 Mike
  
  I was wondering what “rott” meant. Thanks, CB!
  
  Seriously, some of the misspellings are pretty amazing. “Rot” is not the most complicated word out there.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 1:53 am rating: +8
- #3.5 spottedbuddy
  
  Meanwhile, here on Earth they should be forcibly tattooed completely orange from the neck up, with black triangles tattooed around their noses and eyes and a black toothy mouth tattooed around their mouths.
  
  Maybe then they’ll feel empathy for the abuse they inflicted upon those poor pumpkins.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 2:14 am rating: +3
- #3.6 park rose
  
  Yeah, everyone knows it should be I hop you rot in hel!
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 4:25 am rating: +4
- #3.7 Wade
  
  There’s an IHOP in Hel?
  
  I wonder if they would be interested in DonutsLite©?
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 8:19 am rating: +12
- #3.8 park rose
  
  The International House Of Prayer? What place would be more suited?
  
  I hop they serve DonutsLite© , or maybe even pancakes on Shrove/phat Tuesday, it would help stopp my teth from roting,
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 8:45 am rating: +4
- #3.9 Act
  
  Fun fact: There is a building at my old high school called, “House of Prayer.” Our senior year, my friends and I tacked on an “international” to the beginning as well as a giant IHOP sign (just to make sure people got it). Administration had a coronary, students cracked up, and it was one of my better high school stories.
  
  Oct 31, 2009 at 4:21 pm rating: +2
- #3.10 Canthz_B
  
  IHOP?! I ONCE WORKED AT AN IHOP!!…Slowly I turned, step by step, inch by inch…
  
  Nov 1, 2009 at 12:32 am rating: +1
- #3.11 Oh Really
  
  I assumed “Rott” was a Ratt cover band…in hell.
  
  Nov 1, 2009 at 1:01 pm rating: +1
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#4 mystic_eye_cda

Thessalonians 5:16 & 17
* Rejoice evermore.
* Pray without ceasing

Tell the local preacher to get back at that and leave everyone else the fuck alone. Couldn’t possibly have been rejoicing AND praying while typing such a hateful epistle

Not to mention 5:13 “[...]And be at peace among yourselves” and5:9 ” For God hath not appointed us to wrath, but to obtain salvation by our Lord Jesus Christ”

That’s quite enough bible for one week, ask him how that whole not sleeping thing is working out (5:6 Therefore let us not sleep, as do others; but let us watch and be sober.)

Oct 29, 2009 at 11:20 pm rating: +26

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- #4.1 MAMARILLA2
  
  There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics and the Great Pumpkin.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 10:30 am rating: +17
- #4.2 Woman on the Verge
  
  The Great Pumpkin being the most controversial, obviously.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 10:32 am rating: +11
- #4.3 MAMARILLA2
  
  Each year, the Great Pumpkin rises out of the pumpkin patch that he thinks is the most sincere. He’s gotta pick this one. He’s got to. I don’t see how a pumpkin patch can be more sincere than this one. You can look around and there’s not a sign of hypocrisy. Nothing but sincerity as far as the eye can see.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 10:41 am rating: +10
- #4.4 Palomon
  
  Religion, politics and the Great…wait a minute, the Great Pumpkin is religion, but not as cool as Pastafarianism. We all need to be tolerant is all, you buncha punkinheads.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 5:53 pm rating: +2
- #4.5 Bcteagirl
  
  I was robbed! I spent all night in a pumpkin patch and all I got was *Insert dirty joke here*!!!
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 11:46 pm rating: 0
- #4.6 Neeners
  
  4.5 *all I got was an itchy rash. I think I’m allergic to cleaning pumpkins or all the work they involve, I’m not sure which.
  
  Oct 31, 2009 at 2:23 am rating: 0
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#5 Canthz_B

Dear neighborhood preacher:

Judge not, that ye be not judged.

Matthew 7:1

Now stop using the Bible as an excuse to not spend a few bucks to buy Halloween candy for the tykes.

Oct 29, 2009 at 11:23 pm rating: +40

reply to this comment
- #5.1 Neeners
  
  It’s nice when instead of turning off their light and not participating in the ‘Devil’s Holiday’ (I call bs on that by the way), our friendly religious wing nuts give the kids pamphlets that say they are going to hell. Mama bear doesn’t like it when you threaten her cubs people.
  
  Don’t push the propaganda! Our kids aren’t sacrificing your cats in the garage on Halloween they are just out for a fun time and a little candy.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 12:03 am rating: +29
- #5.2 Creepy Neighbor
  
  A little candy? Underachievers!
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 1:29 am rating: +9
- #5.3 oathoftheblackblood
  
  I always encourage my kids to sacrifice cats in the garage on Halloween. Especially cats that belong to right wing christian wackos
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 2:18 am rating: +4
- #5.4 Meesh
  
  But it makes such a mess in the garage. It’s much better to stake them up in the owner’s front yard.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 7:47 am rating: +3
- #5.5 farcical aquatic ceremony
  
  hey,hey–on behalf of cats everywhere, let’s be direct and just go straight to staking up the right wing christian wackos (whether before or after sacrificing them in our garages).
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 8:01 am rating: +21
- #5.6 oathoftheblackblood
  
  But before sacrificing anyone, perhaps we should tape some quotes from the Satanic Bible to their mailbox and see how THEY like being preached to.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 8:37 am rating: +3
- #5.7 mystic_eye_cda
  
  I used to live in the Jewish part of town, and I have no problem with them not handing out hallowe’en candy or the fact that they go trick-or-treating on a different holiday but only to Jewish houses (note: lots of Jews do trick-or-treat it depends on the area and the branch of Judaism.)
  
  So if you believe trick-or-treating is wrong turn your front lights out and people will leave you alone!
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 8:59 am rating: 0
- #5.8 Maas
  
  Yay Tolerance!
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 1:40 pm rating: 0
- #5.9 Mo®
  
  Burn Her!!!
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 2:05 pm rating: +3
- #5.10 mamason
  
  As a card carrying member of the Christian Wacko Right Wing, or the CWRW as we like to say, I find it rather amusing and ignorant when people make such a big deal out of Halloween. If you look at our traditional practices for Christian holidays, you’ll find that a good number of them originated with what would be deemed pagan rites and rituals. I personally don’t care for the death imagery and witchcraft aspects of Halloween, so we don’t engage in that. But every Christian that gives out Easter eggs and chocolate bunnies, is engaging in the same religious practices from which Halloween originated. Now… let the candy flow! And not that cheap crap, either. We want Reese’s and Snickers and Kit-Kats and M&M’s. *no candy corn, please*
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 4:28 pm rating: +9
- #5.11 Palomon
  
  Yeah. Tolerance. Show me how holly and pine trees have to do with Jeezuss and the apostles and the such. Me and my wife are going to a party as Fred and Wilma.
  The Biblical ones, not the Hanna Barbara ones. However, I appreciate that the cartoon depicts humans living alongside dinosaurs as the real fossil record indicates and not the ones planted by the punkinheaded Jews in the ’30’s that Humanists have tried to call evidence that man evolved millions of years later.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 6:04 pm rating: +1
- #5.12 mystic_eye_cda
  
  “…nearly two thousand years after one man had been nailed to a tree for saying how great it would be to be nice to people for a change, one girl sitting on her own in a small cafe in Rickmansworth suddenly realized what it was that had been going wrong all this time, and she finally knew how the world could be made a good and happy place. This time it was right, it would work, and no one would have to get nailed to anything.”
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 7:26 pm rating: +14
- #5.13 Palomon
  
  Blasphemy! What Jesus would do is kick your ass. How is the secret to life (the universe and everything) gonna come from Rickmansworth? If it ain’t in The Bible it didn’t happen and it ain’t gonna. Damned punkinhead.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 7:35 pm rating: +3
- #5.14 pony girl
  
  Wait.
  
  You mean all I have to do to avoid the little costumed-extortionists is turn off my light and put up a sign with a bible verse on it?
  
  Cool.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 8:55 pm rating: +3
- #5.15 spyderqueen
  
  “It’s nice when instead of turning off their light and not participating in the ‘Devil’s Holiday’ (I call bs on that by the way), our friendly religious wing nuts give the kids pamphlets that say they are going to hell. Mama bear doesn’t like it when you threaten her cubs people.”
  
  See, if I had kids and they came back with Chick tracts in their bag, my response would be “Okay kiddos, get some toilet paper from the hall closet and some eggs from the fridge. It’s time Mom teaches you about another Halloween tradition…”
  
  Oct 31, 2009 at 6:41 pm rating: +5
- #5.16 Neeners
  
  Good call, but I like the more confrontational approach. Let’s go face to face and toe to toe if they want to play that bs! Still why not add a little mischief later with eggs, shaving cream, etc.
  
  Come to think of it, I was only handcuffed and taken in once. That must have been why my son decided he was too old to trick or treat so early.
  
  Oct 31, 2009 at 10:29 pm rating: 0
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#6 Canthz_B

That second note is aimed at some chubby-chaser out there.
You should have called, Man. Was that too much for her to expect?

Oct 29, 2009 at 11:29 pm rating: +3

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#7 Gigglebraxer

That pumpkin was fucking delicious!

LOLz!!!!

Oct 29, 2009 at 11:31 pm rating: +1

reply to this comment
- #7.1 JetJackson
  
  Reey? Rhatz my rine!
  
  Oct 29, 2009 at 11:38 pm rating: +5
- #7.2 Critical Grass
  
  OH MY GOD!
  
  Run away! Run away!
  
  Oct 29, 2009 at 11:38 pm rating: +2
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#8 Canthz_B

Next year they should have the Heisa Monster guard their pumpkin, but they’d better book him early…this is his busy season.

Oct 29, 2009 at 11:33 pm rating: +3

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#9 Kelly

I prefer to abstain from the appearance of evil, but that’s for purely practical reasons — it diverts suspicion.

Oct 29, 2009 at 11:43 pm rating: +34

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- #9.1 bcteagirl
  
  See no Kelly… Hear no Kelly… etc, etc(?)
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 12:03 am rating: +1
- #9.2 Neeners
  
  The only one who appears evil here is the preacher. I wonder what’s hiding in his closet?
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 12:07 am rating: +9
- #9.3 park rose
  
  so does oi, apparently, if the appearance of evil = donuts.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 12:53 am rating: +6
- #9.4 Kelly
  
  Donuts do have the appearance of evil… what with those moist, glistening holes…
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 12:57 am rating: +5
- #9.5 park rose
  
  I thought it might have been their furry coats (sorry, oi!)
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 1:06 am rating: +5
- #9.6 HappyNat
  
  Half donuts sure as hell have the appearance of evil.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 7:39 am rating: +3
- #9.7 oi
  
  spawns of evil!!
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 1:19 pm rating: +5
- #9.8 Mo®
  
  SoE!!!
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 1:33 pm rating: +3
- #9.9 Critical Grass
  
  Hey, all y’all should go trick-or-treating at oi’s house dressed up as donuts.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 5:33 pm rating: +6
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#10 tert

I think I laughed at “glowing display in his living riving” most of all

Oct 30, 2009 at 12:11 am rating: +6

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- #10.1 Neeners
  
  I was wondering about that? Typo or real word I’m too unhip to know about?
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 12:15 am rating: +4
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#11 Neeners

What if the whole cul-de-sac throws a Halloween party on the sidewalk in front of the preachers house or if that’s against the law in the cul-de-sac? Or the neighbors could put ‘flaming bags of poo’ on his doorstep and doorbell ditch. Oh the good ole days. Pranks, pranks, evil pranks.

Oct 30, 2009 at 12:17 am rating: +4

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- #11.1 park rose
  
  In defence of the preacher, Phil Spectre does live up to his name nowadays. But maybe it should read, abstain from all evil, in that case. He ain’t foolin’ nobody.
  
  This is linked here because I’m trying to tie spectre, and sceptic into septic, tying it into the flaming bags of poo. But, I give up. The anal expulsive flaw and floor is open.
  
  Maybe Phil Spector is hiding in the preacher’s closet? Or in his own hair?
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 4:37 am rating: +4
- #11.2 Neeners
  
  Phil Spectre already has a strike against him he just ‘looks’ evil.
  
  At some point you just have to say “Hey I’m old, chicks won’t dig me for anything but my money and power.” Enough with funky hairdos and just call it good with the official “old guy crew cut” or something. There’s more respect in that.
  http://www.seancasio.wordpress.com/2008/09/16/
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 8:52 am rating: +2
- #11.3 GhostWriter
  
  Chicks never dig guys for anything but money and power.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 9:19 am rating: +1
- #11.4 Neeners
  
  And a big #$%*
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 9:49 am rating: +2
- #11.5 mamason
  
  GW, I’m so disappointed by your comment. I find that the only “men” who think like that are just losers and need an excuse for their own short comings. Every woman I know would be happy living in a hut with dirt floors if she’s with a man that truly loves and cherishes her and gives her “the big one” every couple of days.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 4:35 pm rating: +6
- #11.6 Critical Grass
  
  Right on the money, mama.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 5:28 pm rating: +3
- #11.7 mamason
  
  No pun intended, right CG?
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 5:34 pm rating: +2
- #11.8 pony girl
  
  hehehe
  
  ….short comings…..
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 8:59 pm rating: +3
- #11.9 jon
  
  Nothing like a sweeping generalization to counter a sweeping generalization.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 11:52 pm rating: +1
- #11.10 Critical Grass
  
  @ 11.7- Not at all, m’am. Not at all.
  
  Oct 31, 2009 at 9:22 am rating: 0
- #11.11 mamason
  
  Jon,
  Yeah but, what I said is true so, that’s different!
  
  Oct 31, 2009 at 9:22 pm rating: +1
- #11.12 infant tyrone
  
  You’re not looking for the Statue of Liberty at all!…Why, you ought to be ashamed of yourself!”
  
  No, Ma’am…I mean, Yes, Ma’am!
  
  Nov 2, 2009 at 6:17 pm rating: 0
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#12 alison

pumpkins must be cheap on halloween in the US to enable someone to bother carving expletives into them! i was quoted a price of $20 in australia. for that much money, it would want to be a pretty special carving!

Oct 30, 2009 at 12:43 am rating: +5

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- #12.1 JetJackson
  
  Definitely… I bought one last year for $20. You need a special type of pumpkin. Doesn’t exactly work with a jap pumpkin… I spent about 4 hours carving up a bad ass looking pumpkin with the face of venom off Spiderman… A shame I can’t get onto facebook at work or I would be able to link to a picture of that badboy.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 12:54 am rating: 0
- #12.2 much to my chagrin
  
  20 dollars?! You can get them in the US for about three.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 1:25 am rating: +7
- #12.3 JetJackson
  
  Mmmm you can get a normal edible pumpkin here for about $3 but because it’s always 30 degrees plus over here it is hard to grow those sugar pie pumpkins that are really good for carving up… so they charge a 20 for them. Bastards!
  
  Edit: That’s 30 degrees celcius btw.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 1:50 am rating: 0
- #12.4 park rose
  
  Always? JJ, you’re a Sydney boy, aren’t you, or do you live in FNQ or thereabouts?
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 4:38 am rating: 0
- #12.5 alison
  
  JJ i can’t believe you bought a 20 buck pumpkin! crazy!!
  i was just thinking about getting one of those greenish ones and spraypainting it orange. then i decided my dreams of carving a pumpkin for halloween might just be silly in australia anyways.. maybe i’ll carve a watermelon
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 6:13 am rating: +3
- #12.6 farcical aquatic ceremony
  
  The roomies are what are known as ‘NEA Grant Queens’ — with our hard-earned tax dollars these clowns sit around in their palacially appointed condos carving up organically raised gourds with their Krups knives. Bastards.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 8:08 am rating: +4
- #12.7 Canthz_B
  
  Pumpkin is edible? Why?
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 8:39 am rating: +2
- #12.8 Canthz_B
  
  Yes, pumpkins are very cheap here in the USA. In order to ensure that we have an ample supply of Jack-o-Lantern worthy stock, we subsidize the pumpkin industry with the great sums of money we spend on health care.
  
  Gotta keep our priorities in order, you know?
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 8:49 am rating: +10
- #12.9 Woman on the Verge
  
  I just spent $18 on a pumpkin that took three of us to carry into the garage. Go big or go home.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 8:56 am rating: +7
- #12.10 GhostWriter
  
  In Australia, they are known as “Diamond Pumpkins.”
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 9:22 am rating: +3
- #12.11 JetJackson
  
  Brisneyland…. Check out this bad boy…
  
  http://img442.imageshack.us/img442/382/pumpkin.jpg
  
  Well worth the 20 dollars.. I am quite proud. Greenish ones are possible but hard to carve…
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 9:27 am rating: +3
- #12.12 mystic_eye_cda
  
  I’m in Canada (Ontario) and they’re $1.49-$3
  
  But when my grandma was growing up in Newfoundland they didn’t have pumpkins so they carved “turnips” (what would now be called rutabaga, swede, or yellow turnip). She claims they were softer inside then the ones you get nowadays (god I hope so).
  
  So don’t dispair if you can’t get pumpkins, just carve something else!
  
  Though I often wonder what those people starving in 3rd world countries would think of us carving pumpkins -or worse getting all Martha Stewart and using real lemons, limes, etc for the sole purpose of decorating (like to fill a vase).
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 9:30 am rating: +3
- #12.13 Renagade676
  
  They didn’t switch to pumpkins until they colonized America.
  
  Traditionally, at first they used turnips.
  
  Your grandma was kicking it REAL oldschool.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 10:22 am rating: +11
- #12.14 Critical Grass
  
  @ 12.12 – The people in the third world countries wouldn’t care much about your carved pumpkins or Martha Stewart, because they’re really, really worried about some other things.
  
  By the way, we cool kids say Developing Countries, nowadays.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 1:49 pm rating: +6
- #12.15 Mo®
  
  I usually say, swilling backwater banana republic, but then again I was never a cool kid. I get all my inappropriate adages from bootleg Frank Sinatra tapes and transcripts of Hemingway and Steinbeck sharing a whiskey.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 2:31 pm rating: +9
- #12.16 Critical Grass
  
  You were never a cool kid, huh? Who knew…
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 2:53 pm rating: +1
- #12.17 BrookeDiz
  
  Jet, cool pumpkin!
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 3:11 pm rating: +1
- #12.18 Geek Goddess
  
  I can get them for free here from the pumpkin patch, if I am willing to dress head-to-toe in black and slip through the mud and bushes late at night.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 4:48 pm rating: +7
- #12.19 Palomon
  
  What couold be more special than a 20 dollar expletive?
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 6:08 pm rating: +3
- #12.20 Palomon
  
  Punkinhead.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 6:10 pm rating: +1
- #12.21 mystic_eye_cda
  
  Yeah well Newfoundland was its own little country then, she used to get harassed crossing the US border because her birth certificate was from the country of Newfoundland even after Newfoundland became part of Canada.
  
  And I totally do not care what the politically correct term is the “G8″ countries and the “developing world” is just BS.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 7:30 pm rating: +2
- #12.22 aaa
  
  I got the most pathetically tiny pumpkin when I was last at the grocery for about $0.80 US. It’s so small I can’t even carve the fucker. I think I’m gonna put holes in it and shove in some glowstick necklaces I got for my birthday year before last (I have weird friends. ) to make it glowy and festive.
  
  Oct 31, 2009 at 1:21 am rating: +1
- #12.23 anglophile
  
  Uh, aaa, they’re not just weird, they’re ravers. I’m sorry I have to be the one to break it to you. Sorry and a little surprised. Even us old nearly-crazy cat ladies know what too much fondness for the glowsticks means.
  
  Nov 1, 2009 at 7:18 am rating: 0
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#13 MillieMonster

What better place to express said evil than on a vegetable? Unless of course, you roast and eat the spawns of Satan’s fruit. Salt them and thou art surely damned. Pumkins are the devil…who knew?

Oct 30, 2009 at 1:01 am rating: +2

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- #13.1 MillieMonster
  
  Pumpkins. Pumpkins! I was trying to be less offensive to our voyeur prudes– by not putting the pump into kin, so to speak. Yeah, that’s the ticket. Not a typo at all. Just part of a grandeur plot…
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 1:15 am rating: +2
- #13.2 TinyTim'sHairdo
  
  But pumpkins are fruit, they are, they are! If you don’t believe me, ask the guy that’s roting in heel!
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 3:41 am rating: +2
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#14 Renagade676

How inconsiderate, Jake!

Can’t a guy take a hint?I bet they asked real nicely the first time, too!

Oct 30, 2009 at 5:56 am rating: +2

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#15 Havingfitz

So it’s okay for me to be evil as long as I don’t appear evil? I mean, if I dress up as a nun and run school buses off the road you’d be cool with that? Just checking.

Oct 30, 2009 at 6:33 am rating: +3

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#16 Canthz_B

I understand the good pastor’s reluctance to reward with mini Snickers bars the neighborhood rug-rats who destroy his wife’s garden all summer, but the proper course of action is to offer Chick-o-Stix on Halloween…or even worse,”healthy snacks”.

Oct 30, 2009 at 8:35 am rating: +3

reply to this comment
- #16.1 Neeners
  
  While Chick-o-Stix are nasty, Bit-O-Honey’s are a far better deterrent. These tactics could backfire and cause mass destruction through egging. Remember when they used to give apples or nickels? That ensured a good smearing of fallen plums on the side of the house in our neighborhood.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 9:14 am rating: +1
- #16.2 Canthz_B
  
  Unfortunately, apples are no longer effective. They were great when kids carried paper bags…a well dropped apple would take the bottom right out of that sucker.
  
  Today’s kids have wised up and carry plastic or *shudder* environmentally friendly cloth bags.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 7:30 pm rating: +1
- #16.3 mamason
  
  We used environmentally friendly cloth bags. We called them pillow cases.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 8:07 pm rating: +14
- #16.4 Palomon
  
  I got a rock.
  
  Oct 31, 2009 at 11:33 am rating: +4
- #16.5 Canthz_B
  
  ♫ I got an i-i-island. ♫
  
  Nov 1, 2009 at 12:37 am rating: +5
- #16.6 Palomon
  
  Oh, Canthz, you’re awrright. Wish I could give you more thumbs.
  
  Nov 1, 2009 at 1:27 am rating: 0
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#17 Natballs

hahahahahah, I LOVE THE FUCK YOU DIE PUMPKINS. That’s great. I am totally doing that to someone next year.

Oct 30, 2009 at 9:03 am rating: +1

reply to this comment
- #17.1 Neeners
  
  It’s been done.
  
  We need more originality, like firing someone via pumpkin message or breaking up. “Joe, You’re Fired!” would look nice or “Mary, I want a divorce.”
  (That one would require more time and money due to the big pumpkin surface space needed, in which case you must ask yourself, ‘is the relationship worth my taking this much time to clean and carve this big pumpkin?’)
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 9:17 am rating: +3
- #17.2 Woman on the Verge
  
  I may be worth the time and effort to rid yourself of the ex-object of your affections. Nothing says “It’s over” like a carving of your ex’s face with a large butcher knife sticking out of it.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 10:36 am rating: +4
- #17.3 MAMARILLA2
  
  Perhaps carving the image of your ex’s penis with several large knives through it, and candle lit.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 10:43 am rating: +3
- #17.4 farcical aquatic ceremony
  
  Excellent idea! (And I’d only have needed a 30 cent pumpkin–possibly just a turnip! )ba-dum-pum!)) for that.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 12:16 pm rating: +5
- #17.5 mamason
  
  I’m sorry.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 8:08 pm rating: 0
- #17.6 Critical Grass
  
  So… Breaking up with him wasn’t so bad, eh?
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 8:28 pm rating: +1
add to this thread
#18 LauraMcFiesty

Gotta love ole Valdosta…I grew up there, and not surprising at all that the neighborhood preacher wasted trees to preach the word! I hope he followed up with some passive aggressiveness and dressed as devil, or (if he has a girlfriend, or sister or some willing female) a preacher with his whore, a couple from Sodom and Gomorrah University, pregnant nun, Catholic priest with young boy, and incessantly rung his effing doorbell… makes for good LOLs! Teehee!

Oct 30, 2009 at 11:56 am rating: 0

reply to this comment
- #18.1 B camp
  
  Went to Valdosta State for one year before leaving. The constant bible banging was too much for me. As a long haired heathen I was targeted by campus ministries.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 7:50 pm rating: +1
- #18.2 pony girl
  
  Dress up as a ‘Blue Nun.’
  
  Put on blue body paint and a nun’s habit, and carry a bottle or two of Blue Nun wine.
  
  That would really tick off that preacher.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 9:08 pm rating: +1
add to this thread
#19 Geoff

A reminder from your neighborhood:

Abstain from pushing your religious views on others.

Common Effin’ Sense 1:1

Oct 30, 2009 at 11:58 am rating: +12

reply to this comment
- #19.1 mamason
  
  Don’t dare to disagree. Don’t voice your opinion. Freedom of speech is not for all. Only for those who agree with me.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 8:11 pm rating: +5
- #19.2 Maas
  
  As popular as the “Don’t ask, Don’t tell” policy is in the military, many posters here seem to want to adopt it for other areas. Introducing “Don’t ask, Don’t tell” for ideological positions. You’re welcome to subscribe to a religion, provided you aren’t “openly” religious. Sure, the first amendment lets you practice religion, but apparently that doesn’t included the proselytizing mandated by some religions, after all, if you say, “Hey check out this religion” to someone, they may be compelled against their wishes to irreversible convert!
  
  It’s great that we can all join in bashing the pastor’s self expression, so I hope you’ll join me in my anti-picketing picketing.
  
  Nov 1, 2009 at 3:55 pm rating: +2
- #19.3 Wade
  
  Ah. I see. So free speech means that someone can make any statement, no matter how outrageous and offensive, without any fear of challenge.
  
  And I always thought that my right to oppose to the idea expressed by another, rather than their right to express it, was the essence of free speech.
  
  My bad.
  
  Nov 1, 2009 at 4:16 pm rating: +2
- #19.4 Critical Grass
  
  Hey, Maas. I don’t agree with you.
  And I’m NOT SORRY!
  
  Nov 1, 2009 at 4:22 pm rating: 0
- #19.5 Maas
  
  Do you mean you don’t agree with the literal content, or do you disagree with something you happened to infer from what I wrote? If it’s the latter, then aren’t you really disagreeing with yourself (as the originator of the meaning being disagreed with)? Either way, keep up the good work.
  
  My lack of severe paranoia seems to be preventing me from seeing the “outrageous and offensive” character of the first note that was apparent enough to some to justify threats of violence (fictitious as they were).
  
  I understand that a high level of discourse was never the goal of this website, but it certainly seems more fun to make fun of the people who wrote passive aggressive notes, then to be passive aggressive about notes which are not.
  
  Nov 1, 2009 at 5:58 pm rating: 0
- #19.6 Critical Grass
  
  Oh my God. You’re really into this, aren’t you? Ok, here we go…
  Was it your “lack of severe paranoia” thar made click “add to this thread”?
  A high level discourse is the goal when it’s aproppriate. Not the case here…
  Oh, and when you say that this note isn’t passive-aggressive you’re expressing your opinion, right? So, according to your previous comment, we all can disaggree, right? Otherwise you’d just be bashing PAN’s commenters self expression. And you wouldn’t want to do that, now would you?
  Oh… Ok, then.
  
  As you were.
  
  Nov 1, 2009 at 6:18 pm rating: 0
- #19.7 Maas
  
  To your first question, I would be more so were it to have a greater element of recursion. To the second, yes. To the third, yes. To the fourth, I have never given any indication otherwise. To the fifth, no (should that be “yes”? I supposes that’s the trouble with that semantic structure, eh?).
  
  Nov 1, 2009 at 6:40 pm rating: 0
add to this thread
#20 strangemouse

I can sympathise with the 2nd one, some ‘orrid lot stole the pumpkins from our allotment this year I had been looking forward to them all summer.

Oct 30, 2009 at 12:09 pm rating: +6

reply to this comment
#21 T.U.M.

Why does that one pumpkin have the German word for “the?”

Oct 30, 2009 at 12:57 pm rating: +2

reply to this comment
- #21.1 Critical Grass
  
  Die Pumpkin.
  
  That’s all.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 1:59 pm rating: +5
- #21.2 Mo®
  
  Der Kürbis ist böse, es ist glühenden Predigt Bedrohung.
  
  Der, Die und Das. Yes all forms of “the” in German but not “Die” when applied to der Kürbis or is that applied on?
  
  Now why does that one sign have the German word for redd???
  
  As you were.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 5:47 pm rating: +3
- #21.3 Critical Grass
  
  So you’re saying the Kürbis is a boy?
  
  Der rot kürbis. More like orangerot.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 6:17 pm rating: +1
- #21.4 Mo®
  
  Just sayin’ it is “der Kürbis”. I know nothing of this orangerot.
  Unless it is Die orange große
  Kürbis.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 6:55 pm rating: +2
- #21.5 Critical Grass
  
  Oh… Got it. I think… I was never good in German, anyways…
  
  Oct 31, 2009 at 9:26 am rating: 0
add to this thread
#22 BillyDinPVD

The “rott” sign is not misspelled. The second t is for emphasis. Alternately, they could have used quotation marks around “rot” to achieve the same effect.

Oct 30, 2009 at 2:50 pm rating: +1

reply to this comment
- #22.1 mamason
  
  I think the writer just liked the visual symmetry of 4-2-4.
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 8:17 pm rating: +2
add to this thread
#23 aaa

Pfft. The truly evil do not appear evil, they look just like everyone else. How else do you think they get away with what they do?

Edit: AAAHHH PEOPLE BEAT ME TO IT. DAMN YOU INTERNET.

Oct 30, 2009 at 4:39 pm rating: +2

reply to this comment
#24 Acumoxa

That evil was fucking delicious.

Oct 30, 2009 at 5:18 pm rating: +1

reply to this comment
#25 Critical Grass

It’s the Bitchy Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!

Oct 30, 2009 at 5:25 pm rating: +4

reply to this comment
- #25.1 Mo®
  
  Oct 30, 2009 at 5:52 pm rating: +1
- #25.2 Critical Grass
  
  Follow the gourd! The Holy Gourd of Jerusalem!
  
  Nov 1, 2009 at 12:39 pm rating: 0
- #25.3 MAMARILLA2
  
  Let me come with you, Pontiuth. I may be of thome athithtanthe if there ith a thudden crithith!
  
  Nov 1, 2009 at 1:55 pm rating: +1
- #25.4 Critical Grass
  
  Thwow him to the floor! Stwike him, centuwion, vewwy woughly!
  
  Nov 1, 2009 at 3:16 pm rating: +1
add to this thread
#26 Stasi

Hey, the first only covers the appearance of evil. So, slutty’s still good, right???

Oct 30, 2009 at 8:48 pm rating: +2

reply to this comment
- #26.1 Critical Grass
  
  Yeah, that’s totally ok.
  
  Oct 31, 2009 at 2:05 pm rating: +1
add to this thread
#27 alyssa

hahahahah that’s wicked funny, someone from somersworth WOULD spell rot wrong.

Oct 30, 2009 at 11:43 pm rating: 0

reply to this comment
#28 The Ninth Planet

haha you can see the footprints.

Oct 31, 2009 at 2:05 am rating: 0

reply to this comment
#29 bowloftoast

What the hell do I do if I just appear evil by nature?

Oct 31, 2009 at 3:49 am rating: +3

reply to this comment
- #29.1 Critical Grass
  
  Enjoy it!
  
  Oct 31, 2009 at 9:27 am rating: +1
- #29.2 aaa
  
  Show up to the neighborhood preacher’s house and punch him in the stomach until he gives you candy.
  
  Oct 31, 2009 at 2:04 pm rating: 0
- #29.3 mamason
  
  I’m not really bad. I was just drawn that way.
  
  Oct 31, 2009 at 9:27 pm rating: +4
- #29.4 MAMARILLA2
  
  You don’t know how hard it is being a man looking at a woman looking the way you do.
  
  Nov 1, 2009 at 9:14 am rating: 0
add to this thread
#30 Amanda

Did anybody notice that Jake’s pumpkins were found in the “living riving”? hahaha

Nov 1, 2009 at 12:14 pm rating: 0

reply to this comment
#31 oi

New note please.

Nov 1, 2009 at 12:48 pm rating: +3

reply to this comment
#32 mallory

OMG I LIVE AN HOUR FROM VALDOSTA, GA

Nov 7, 2009 at 9:59 pm rating: 0

reply to this comment
#33 comment

The last one reminds me of one Easter where I was pissed at my husband for some unknown reason and I wrote “Fuck you” “Rot in Hell” and “Your mom is a bitch” on all the eggs with wax and colored them. By the time he came home I had cooled off and we had a laugh. I woke up the next morning to scrambled eggs with “You’re a bitch” written in ketchup.

Dec 19, 2009 at 9:29 pm rating: 0

reply to this comment

What exactly are you trying to say? (40)
- infant tyrone: Steven with the high-lob anti-snark to the far court… wright1 with the overhand snark-smash...
- wright1: Steven, You might want to compose your sense of humor before you click enter. Your post, unlike Astounder,...
- oi: I am picking up a touch of Adam in comment # 14 and # 3.1
- Griffin: Personally, I find that packing my lunch in an steel ammo box keeps the sticky fingered types away. Plus it...
- matty-wat: I like the fat lettering in the retort note.

painfully polite and hilariously hostile writings from shared spaces the world over

jerk-o-lanterns

October 29th, 2009 · 157 comments

157 responses so far ↓

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