Granny doesn’t mess around

November 3rd, 2009 · 81 comments

While some old folks (and grandmothers in particular) are seasoned masters of the heart-tugging passive-aggressive guilt trip, there’s another breed of blue-hairs who’ve seemingly given up on all the social niceties and instead just give their unfiltered opinion on any subject at hand. their all-purpose excuse, as demonstrated by this example from Tacoma, Washington: “I’m old!”

Oh well, another day

Yet while this group certainly helps make reading the “letters to the editor” page entertaining, Charity in Westfield, Wisconsin says the “grumpy old crank” routine isn’t quite as amusing when you have to live with one of them.

“I’ve been staying with my grandmother for two months,” Charity says, and “she tells me daily that I stink.” She woke up one morning to find this slightly more polite message….which was not-so-politely attached to toilet seat with packing tape.

Granny doesn't mess around

related: A day in the life of a crank

FILED UNDER: Grandma · old folks


81 responses so far ↓

  • #1   pony girl

    I’m confused about the first note.
    If I ring once, and nobody answers, I don’t have to go to work?
    Where is this magic button?
    Will I get a paid day off or just a day off?

    Note number two, hmmm, so does granny want the submitter to pee in the bushes or something?

    Nov 3, 2009 at 10:19 pm   rating: 37  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   tibb

      Probably, you would get a day off for her funeral?

      Nov 3, 2009 at 10:38 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   Canthz_B bang

      Bushes? I’m thinking guest bathroom, AKA the handy-dandy Rubbermaid bucket that Granny placed in the guest room.

      Nov 3, 2009 at 10:57 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   Doodie

      Upper-decker for sure, a real potent one that’ll leave her saying “what is that god awful smell?”.

      Nov 4, 2009 at 2:37 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.4   bob

      pony girl –
      It’s the security door to a business that employees use. This way, they won’t ring more than once. They’ll hope he doesn’t hear and they get a day off.

      Dec 5, 2009 at 12:56 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   Palomon bang

    I gotta tell you, these two strike me as GMILF’s.

    Nov 3, 2009 at 10:27 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   pony girl

      Grandmothers I’d like to flip-off?

      Nov 3, 2009 at 10:29 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   Canthz_B bang

      GMILFs apparently get off really fast or it’s not even worth doing the work…so push really hard one time, she’ll get there.
      If she doesn’t “arrive” after one push, no need to work on her today…it’s just not in the cards.

      Nov 3, 2009 at 11:18 pm   rating: 30  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.3   park rose

      You mean, push it good, push it realgood?

      Nov 4, 2009 at 3:57 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.4   Canthz_B bang

      Yo, yo, yo, yo, baby pop…

      Nov 4, 2009 at 8:30 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   pony girl

    Maybe Charity wouldn’t stink so much if her granny would let her use the freaking bathroom!!!

    Doesn’t seem fair to give Charity grief about being stinky and then turn around and forbid her to use the bathroom.

    Nov 3, 2009 at 10:28 pm   rating: 31  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Canthz_B bang

      I bet the note on the shower imparts a much more inviting message to Charity.

      Nov 3, 2009 at 11:03 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   pony girl

      Well, yuck. Don’t know how clean that shower is if granny has taped shut the toilet.

      Nov 3, 2009 at 11:15 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.3   rosie

      I’M FROM WESTFIELD!!! Hi Charity!!

      Nov 4, 2009 at 12:57 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   UnclGhost bang

    Now old people have joined Anonymous?

    No, seriously, I can’t tell if that’s supposed to mean “anonymous” or the word anon itself.

    Nov 3, 2009 at 10:57 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Critical Grass bang

      It’s Anon, the greek.
      “I’m old” makes much more sense now.

      Nov 4, 2009 at 5:45 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   Palomon bang

      Anon anon, anon, anon…

      Apologies to Stephen Bishop

      Nov 4, 2009 at 1:36 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   Canthz_B bang

    The first sign must be for her in-home mental health worker, because only a nut thinks that someone who comes by to work for you doesn’t know who you are.

    Nov 3, 2009 at 11:00 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Maas

      Could it be that it’s labeled “Anon” to keep random passers by from knowing the author’s name, and that he or she hopes the employee already knows his or her name?

      Nov 5, 2009 at 4:17 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   Kris

    Is that one of those squishy toilet seats? Nothing screams “granny!” quite like that.

    Nov 3, 2009 at 11:02 pm   rating: 26  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   LadyMac

      I lurv my squishy toilet seat!

      Nov 4, 2009 at 2:30 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   Canthz_B bang

    Dear Gramdma,

    I’m not in the habit of sitting on toilets on a whim.
    Trust me, it was absolutely necessary.

    Lots of funky love,

    Charity

    Nov 3, 2009 at 11:08 pm   rating: 39  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   Palomon bang

    Does anyone else get the feeling Grandma had a thing about wire hangers?

    Nov 3, 2009 at 11:17 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   park rose

      As in she wished her daughter-in-law/ daughter had used one? Tasteless, I know.

      Nov 4, 2009 at 3:53 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   notolaf

    Yeah, that second note is the kind of senseless that forces the question, “Has Granny been tested for Alzheimer’s lately?”

    Nov 3, 2009 at 11:39 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   JetJackson

    Push one time?…

    Dot Dot Dash Dot – F
    Dot Dot Dash – U
    Dash Dot Dash Dot -C
    Dash Dot Dash – K

    Dash Dot Dash Dash – Y
    Dash Dash Dash – O
    Dot Dot Dash- U

    Nov 4, 2009 at 12:03 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   Canthz_B bang

      See? all I know is Dot Dot Dot, Dash Dash Dash, Dot Dot Dot is SOS, and I only know that because if the soap pad commercial.

      Morse the pity.

      Nov 4, 2009 at 12:48 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   aaa bang

    Jesus Christ, Charity, you act like toilets aren’t a fucking luxury! The fuck, man?

    Nov 4, 2009 at 1:16 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   Geek Goddess

    I’m thinking that when it comes right down to it if you know what I mean, Granny is going to be the one having trouble getting the tape off. Especially if her arthritis is acting up at the time. My money is on Charity.

    Who stinks now, Granny?

    Nov 4, 2009 at 1:24 am   rating: 35  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   aaa bang

    Soooo, does Charity’s grandmum not get that living somebody entails them using your crapper, or was she just too fond of being passive aggressive to say “Sorry, I don’t like sharing my shit, you’ll have to stay elsewhere”?

    Nov 4, 2009 at 1:32 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   bowloftoast bang

    Step one: Carefully remove the tape.
    Step two: Drop the [grand]mother of all deuces.
    Step three: Do not flush.
    Step four: Carefully reapply the tape.
    Step five: Deny.

    Nov 4, 2009 at 1:59 am   rating: 50  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Woman on the Verge bang

      Wow, BoT, are you a politician? Sounds like it…

      Step one: Carefully remove red tape
      Step two: Drop the grandmother of all tax hikes
      Step three: Do not raise own taxes
      Step four: Carefully distance self from resulting chaos
      Step five: Deny.

      Nov 4, 2009 at 6:06 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   adam

      Seems like alot of steps. Why not just drop a turd right on the note?

      Nov 4, 2009 at 1:39 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.3   anglophile bang

      Adam, are you feeling all right? I expected you to say Granny has every right not to share her toilet.

      ;)

      Nov 4, 2009 at 1:58 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.4   adam

      Haha, that does sound like me. No this one is going a little too far.

      Nov 4, 2009 at 2:41 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.5   infant tyrone bang

      Go, Adam,go….

      Nov 5, 2009 at 1:21 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.6   pony girl

      There once was a lass from Nantucket,
      who was forced to poo(h) in a bucket.
      Though she’d sneak in at night,
      th’ toilet lid was taped tight,
      So she pooed on the top and said fuck it!

      Nov 5, 2009 at 2:23 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.7   MAMARILLA2 bang

      I say,
      Carefully remove tape and lift seat.
      Lay a couple of sheets of Saran Wrap on the bowl.
      Tape firmly with clear packing tape,
      Replace seat and tape down as before…

      Nov 5, 2009 at 3:40 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   GK bang

    POOPER’S CLOSED.

    Anon

    Nov 4, 2009 at 2:38 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   Mo® bang

      That’s what she said. BAM! giggity!

      Nov 4, 2009 at 3:32 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   Canthz_B bang

    ♫ Busted.
    Busted on your toilet bowl.
    How can I run when I’m busted,
    A log half out my hole?
    To prove your command,
    Wrap your toilet with tape band.
    Busted.
    On your toilet bowl. ♫

    Nov 4, 2009 at 2:56 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   Woman on the Verge bang

    Apparently Office Max has a new Easy Button. Push this one once and you get the day off. Damn. I gotta go get me one!

    Nov 4, 2009 at 6:07 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   Critical Grass bang

    I just pooped my pants
    Granny did not give me choice
    I stink pretty bad

    Charity

    Nov 4, 2009 at 6:08 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   comment

      haiku fail

      Nov 4, 2009 at 6:37 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.2   Critical Grass bang

      What did I do wrong?

      Nov 4, 2009 at 7:05 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.3   Col. Obvious

      You just pooped your pants.

      Nov 4, 2009 at 8:42 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.4   Critical Grass bang

      Uh! Right! Sorry…
      *leaves in a haste*

      Nov 4, 2009 at 8:54 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.5   Geek Goddess

      This haiku just does not flow.

      Nov 4, 2009 at 9:24 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   Daniel

    Granny’s just begging for an upper-decker.

    Nov 4, 2009 at 6:41 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   Havingfitz

    Charity begins at home. She’s just not allowed to pee there.

    Nov 4, 2009 at 6:49 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   The Great Joe Bivins

    Poop in the sink. Or the wastebasket. Anywhere but the toilet.

    Nov 4, 2009 at 6:55 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   Chicken Underwear

    Just thinking of all those unnecessary time I use the toilet.

    Nov 4, 2009 at 7:00 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   Critical Grass bang

      It really makes you think about all those people in need of using the toilet…
      Never take it for granted again.

      Nov 4, 2009 at 7:42 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   Mo®

    Charity probably peed on Grandmas rug.

    Nov 4, 2009 at 7:37 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   Critical Grass bang

      Oh Charity, have mercy!

      Nov 4, 2009 at 7:49 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.2   Mo® bang

      it really tied that room together too.

      Nov 4, 2009 at 3:33 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   Critical Grass bang

    Charity,
    I was a little too harsh on you. Forgive me for the note I left on the toilet and for shutting it down. Feel free to use the bathroom whenever you need. All you’ll have to do is fill out these forms and have them notarized in three counterparts of equal content. Just a formality to prove you really need to go.

    Love,
    Granny.

    Nov 4, 2009 at 7:38 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   Bob

    Charity must eat at Taco Bell a lot or something.

    Nov 4, 2009 at 10:04 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   Err

    Maybe Granny should have the directions to the next nearest restroom sent in a lovely email.

    Nothings says “Come visit me” like ring only once and don’t use my toilet.

    Nov 4, 2009 at 11:19 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   farcical aquatic ceremony

      tomorrow’s toilet seat note:

      Mobil-Pioneer Travel Mart 2 mi 0 hrs, 7 min
      Westfield Super Valu 6.5 mi 0 hrs, 16 min
      So-Fine Bovines 22.3 mi 0 hrs, 45 min
      Wisconsin’s largest tree 45.7 mi 1 hr, 2 min

      Nov 4, 2009 at 1:09 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #27   oi bang

    but granny you always told me: share and share alike.

    Nov 4, 2009 at 11:23 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #28   meta

    I like peeing when necessary, I like peeing when unnecessary. Whenever, wherever. As long as I get arrested for it, that’s all I ask. Is that too much to ask?

    Nov 4, 2009 at 11:37 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #29   quitcherbitshen

    Dear Granny,

    If your too slow to get the door within a timely manner, there are homes where folks do that for you. You may even get your own bathroom in your cell, I mean bedroom/livingroom, I mean quaint apartment. All you have to do is ask and I will gladly do my best to help you.

    Charity

    Nov 4, 2009 at 2:35 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   Phalange

    Yet another glowing endorsement for legalized euthanasia.

    Nov 4, 2009 at 2:44 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #30.1   infant tyrone bang

      Paging Mike Rowe…clean up @ Granny’s house

      Paging Doctor Kevorkian…you’re on deck

      Nov 5, 2009 at 1:30 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #31   texas

    I’m so glad to finally understand why so many people are shitting in the shower.
    Could admin please pass along Anytime Stan’s number to Granny?

    Nov 4, 2009 at 4:52 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #32   tbunnyacox

    maybe charity is a actually a teenage boy, they stink pretty bad, or a 3 year old boy, they almost never flush after taking a dump.

    Nov 4, 2009 at 7:16 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #33   Canthz_B bang

    Charity, you stink!
    Why can’t you be more like your sisters Faith and Hope?
    They give enrichment to me, all you ever do is ask that I give altruistically to others!

    Nov 4, 2009 at 8:15 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #33.1   GK bang

      Don’t get her started on that little pest Chastity. She is so disowned. Passive-aggressively enough, Granny even “accidentally” let slip about how she’d rewritten her will. No moolah for you!

      Nov 5, 2009 at 3:39 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #34   Canthz_B bang

    Hey Grandma, what big eyes you have.

    The better to see you in my bathroom, my dear.

    Hey Grandma, what a big nose you have!

    The better to tell just how much you stink, my dear.

    Hey Grandma, what big teeth you have!!

    Stay the Hell away from that glass if you know what’s good for you, my dear!

    Nov 4, 2009 at 8:27 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #34.1   infant tyrone bang

      Little Red Riding Hood meets Red Dragon ??

      Paging Mr. Dolarhyde…red courtesy telephone, please…

      Nov 5, 2009 at 1:34 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #35   Squiggles

    Ha ha, I feel for these old people. Those darn youngun’s think ringing the bell more than once will make an old person appear that much faster.

    And poor Grandma, I’ll bet there’s another bathroom in that house and that’s her private one. Maybe Charity outta bathe a little more often and/or stop smoking or using perfume, whatever that nasty smells coming from. Just sayin’… if you’re going to be staying at someone else’s house try not getting so worked up when they are set in their ways and expect certain courtesies like you not stinking up the place and touching her crapper. :P

    Old people, lol.

    Nov 5, 2009 at 3:19 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #35.1   oi bang

      Sounds like you are one of them.
      Your fake laughing at old people won’t work if silver in hair is showing at the roots. :P

      Nov 5, 2009 at 12:15 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #36   charity

    I honestly to this day don’t know what that note was about. But by the time I was done staying with her… I was starting to get scared, she’d watch me while I slept, and accused me of stealing $14 SINGLES from her disorganized purse, than returning them the next day. IDK.

    Nov 5, 2009 at 5:10 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #36.1   Renagade676

      It was her irritable bowel syndrome acting up. She couldn’t UN-tape the seat.

      On a more serious note:

      Your grandma was showing signs of dementia, usually brought on by old age. Treated early, most of the effects can be undone before they’re permanent.

      Be lucky your grandma didn’t wander off and take a crap on the neighbor’s back steps like my great-grandfather did.

      Nov 5, 2009 at 5:50 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #37   ace bang

    This is a fun place to be!

    Nov 7, 2009 at 9:16 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #38   F. Bliz

    I think I sent you this note a year ago, but I can’t remember. If not, someone else was at the Museum of Glass on the same day as me :) In the meantime, I shall take credit for the photo. Taken 9/27/08 on my Honeymoon

    Nov 10, 2009 at 1:38 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #39   wicked opinion

    I like how some people are taking Granny’s side in this. They are as insane as she is. I have a “friend” who did this to me when I stayed at her house for 2 months. Not only was there whining and bitching when I used the toilet (and the accompanying paper) but I was not allowed to cook (too smelly), use the land line (it was a flat rate and i was job hunting), sit on the front steps (??), have company over (paranoid much?), or take a shower over 5 minutes long (apparently some people skip certain bits). I paid rent, bought my own toilet paper, and ate frozen dinners for 6 weeks (which did NOT help the toilet using issue, let me tell you!) It was a total nightmare. The only way to know if someone is completely batshit is to live with them. Her mother is the same way so maybe it’s genetic.

    Nov 17, 2009 at 7:03 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #40   LinLorienelen

    Dear Granny,

    I apologize for stinking and I respect your revoking my toilet usage.

    Sorry about the sink.

    Love,
    Charity

    Nov 24, 2009 at 2:09 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #41   Jorge

    hey granny do you want to make love to me in the shower I love older women love you

    Nov 27, 2009 at 2:34 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #42   FuriousFanny

    I think this pretty much gives Charity permission to shit in granny’s slippers.

    Mar 12, 2010 at 5:09 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

Comments are Closed