Writes Ben in Snohomish, Washington: “We visit my aunt the same amount we visit the rest of our extended family, but for some reason she takes it personally that we don’t do so daily. She took the occasion of my son’s 11th birthday to take a shot at us.”
related: my condolences on your birthday
159 responses so far ↓
#1
famous_lizzy
Yes, way to go ‘great’ Aunt, it’s good to begin the break from the family early. He learns from you that his mommy and daddy are why you’re angry. Then he hears mommy and daddy muttering about you. Eventually, he moves away and loses touch with all of you forever, but is well balanced and sane.
It’s a modern day fairy tale.
Nov 5, 2009 at 7:05 pm rating: +43
#2
becstar
Wow. She thinks there’s more chance of Jesus returning than of the family coming to visit? That’s awesome.
Nov 5, 2009 at 7:11 pm rating: +51
#3
anglophile
($5 ck enclosed)
(because I wouldn’t put it past my nephew and that little snip he married to steal your birthday check and not tell you)
Nov 5, 2009 at 7:17 pm rating: +99
#4
oi
don’t you know she has $5.00 check enclosed with it? Now she OWNS Lincoln so don’t you go hating her for scoffing him a little. After all, all she has done is mere 5 lines with mean tone and dare to have a wonderful birthday in birthday wishing.
Nov 5, 2009 at 7:22 pm rating: +9
#5
park rose
She might leave for heaven, but sour grapes and guilt trips ain’t the key to unlocking the pearly gates. Or so I’ve heard.
It would be great to see you before I leave for heaven, or before Jesus returns me as fast as he can.
Nov 5, 2009 at 7:22 pm rating: +25
#6
leftfoot
Dear “Great” Aunt,
I didn’t know you were going on a trip! Is it a cruise? Is Jesus your boyfriend? What do you mean by “when he returns”? Where is he, anyway?
Anyway, thanks for the money, I guess. $5 doesn’t buy a damn thing these days. Next time, send me a Hot Topic gift card.
Link (age 15)
(That’s right. I don’t go by Lincoln anymore.)
PS. I’m gay.
Nov 5, 2009 at 7:26 pm rating: +164
#7
lincoln
Dear Great Aunt,
Thank you for the $5 and the guilt.
I plan on using the $5 to partially pay for my copay at a therapist, where I discuss my crazy family and how they screwed me up.
I would love to keep in touch with you, but my family is planning on going to Hell.
Perhaps I will still see you.
Love,
Lincoln
Nov 5, 2009 at 7:27 pm rating: +47
#8
Critical Grass
It’s a lot less creepy than if she said that would see him after she leaves for heaven.
Nov 5, 2009 at 7:27 pm rating: +11
#9
The Gosford of James
For a number of reasons (five), we hate your blog.
Have a nice day.
Nov 5, 2009 at 7:31 pm rating: +1
#10
mamason
Dear “Great” Aunt,
Thank you (I think) for the birthday card. I can’t understand why Mom & Dad don’t connect w/you. You seem just swell.
($5.00 check enclosed? Really? I’ll try not to spend it all in one place.)
Love,
Lincoln
Nov 5, 2009 at 7:31 pm rating: +9
#11
crumplet
If they don’t visit any time soon Lincoln probably won’t be able to cash that check either. Poor kid.
Nov 5, 2009 at 7:34 pm rating: +1
#12
Canthz_B
Dear Auntie,
Thanks for the Fin.
I hope you’re more generous w/the Church, or your afterlife plans may need some tweaking.
In case I don’t see you before you pass on, have a wonderful funeral.
–Lincoln
Nov 5, 2009 at 7:36 pm rating: +35
#13
UnclGhost
Dear Lincoln = (11 yrs. old?? 12? 13? I’m just guessing here!)
Nov 5, 2009 at 7:38 pm rating: +5
#14
Havingfitz
All she needs to do is slip the kid $100.00 and hint there’s a lot more to come when she does go to Heaven. She’ll have more visitors than she knows what to do with.
Nov 5, 2009 at 7:38 pm rating: +32
#15
sharkbot
That ungrateful cow should be glad that anyone even bothers to visit her at all!
Nov 5, 2009 at 7:39 pm rating: 0
#16
mamason
Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same ($5.00)
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong
And carry on,
‘Cause I know you don’t belong
Here in heaven.
Nov 5, 2009 at 7:53 pm rating: +16
#17
Gretal
If someone sent me five dollar checks for my birthday I wouldn’t go visit them either. A card alone would be better!
Nov 5, 2009 at 7:56 pm rating: +2
#18
mare
Nice. You might actually want to think about visiting her less often; 11 year olds are impressionable.
Nov 5, 2009 at 8:00 pm rating: +1
#19
Canthz_B
Lincoln, you will know your great-aunt if you ever see her in public.
She’ll be the old bat with her head cocked at an odd 45° angle to her left.
Nov 5, 2009 at 8:02 pm rating: +8
#20
Renagade676
That is the worst birthday card ever.
If I was Lincoln’s mom, I would write a very detailed letter about how her behavior is not what I want around our children, and make it a clear point that I would never want her to contact my children with this manipulative crap ever again.
What can I say, I don’t like people projecting their trashy behavior on children.
Nov 5, 2009 at 8:06 pm rating: +16
#21
Act
A five-dollar check? Is a bill that hard to come across? That’s like writing out a check for $0.50.
Nov 5, 2009 at 8:13 pm rating: +3
#22
Toni Brender
Perfect … can I borrow $5.00 Lincoln…. love Gramaa
Nov 5, 2009 at 8:19 pm rating: 0
#23
Barbi
OMG this is my great aunt!!
Except we get 3 page letters telling us about how much we hurt her by not talking to her. Lincoln is a lucky boy that his parents don’t make him spend time with his crazy great aunt.
Nov 5, 2009 at 9:50 pm rating: +1
#24
aaa
You guilt us, but you
Can’t be bothered to travel
Thanks for the five bucks
Nov 5, 2009 at 10:08 pm rating: +10
#25
Cynta
I think St. Pete is going to expect more than a measly five bucks…
Nov 5, 2009 at 10:27 pm rating: +2
#26
Snobahr
What’s so “great” about a distant aunt who sends crappy notes with cheap-ass checks?
Nov 5, 2009 at 10:30 pm rating: +3
#27
GK
So the kid’s called Lincoln, the letter’s from his “Great-Aunt Lincoln”…. I bet this family’s surname is Lincoln as well!
Nov 6, 2009 at 3:28 am rating: 0
#28
Peurt
And that is exactly why she DOESN’T get regular visits, ladies and gentlemen!
This woman is so filled with rags, she writes cursive that looks like she was drafting a note during an earthquake.
Nov 6, 2009 at 3:48 am rating: +6
#29
Chicken Underwear
That is exactly why I don’t let my kids open their mail.
Nov 6, 2009 at 5:38 am rating: +3
#30
Woman on the Verge
I take my role as GREAT Aunt very seriously. I have 4 GREAT nieces and nephews and do my best to buy them birthday gifts to outdo everyone else. I have earned the GREAT in my title. Never mind that my 2 year old nephew liked the shredded paper in the gift bag more than the toy…
Nov 6, 2009 at 6:13 am rating: +7
#31
Woman on the Verge
Wait! I can translate old person!
Dear Lincoln (damn, how many years has it been since prison? 11? 13?)
I am your rich bitch greatest aunt ever. Your parents keep you from me because they still hold that little prostitution bust from ‘73 against me.
I’m sure you will have a terrific birthday if you go to the Heaven strip club, where I used work the pole. Ask for Jesus and tell him I sent you.
(Use the $5 to tuck into a G-string of your choice)
Nov 6, 2009 at 6:22 am rating: +6
#32
Mary Shea
This is golden. hahaha
Nov 6, 2009 at 6:23 am rating: 0
#33
Chicken Underwear
As a brother who wants nothing to do with his sister, I know I have no right to wright a note like that to my nephews and nieces who I have no relationship with. But my sister might send that note to my kids
Nov 6, 2009 at 6:49 am rating: +2
#34
Daniel The Last
I had a rotten grandmother who pulled this crap , she didnt talk to me for 10 years and said it was all my fault, even tho i wrote her. I’m sorry i’m related to her and her miserable son, rot in hell grandma and daddy too
Nov 6, 2009 at 7:14 am rating: +2
#35
laurie
Is there some connection between the great aunt writing a check for $5 and the fact that President Lincoln is on the $5 bill? Like, an extra way to smite the child by denying him the image of his possible namesake?
That lady is diabolical!
Nov 6, 2009 at 9:23 am rating: +17
#36
Joe 2
JESUS would cough up more than five bucks!
Auntie Maim better cool it with the guilt trips or Heaven might be farther away than she thinks.
(On a related note: anybody remember the episode of “Six Feet Under” where the sex dolls filled with helium broke free and the Bible-banger thought it was the Rapture and ran in front of a truck?)
Nov 6, 2009 at 9:36 am rating: +2
#37
MoFoThanYoFo
Not only am I willing to reimburse Grams for this PAN tripe, but I’d bet another whole 5 bones that Jesus _will_ be on her doorstep before Lincoln.
Now that I think of it-I bet Jesus would show up, remember that all she gave Link was the fiver, and take a pass-if not a Passover.
Nov 6, 2009 at 10:24 am rating: +1
#38
the elf
I give her a pass on the $5 check. My great-aunt used to do the same thing (minus the guilt trip), because she was a widow on a tight fixed income. $5 was not insignificant to her. So, I’d go out and buy a paperback with it and write her a nice thank you note.
But I don’t give her a pass on the PAN. Way to pour on the guilt, great-aunt!
Nov 6, 2009 at 11:16 am rating: +7
#39
Nikki
That brought the sunshine my day had been missing!
Nov 6, 2009 at 12:18 pm rating: 0
#40
MAMARILLA2
There could have been more guilt written on that piece of paper if she had not written every thing at an angle.
Nov 6, 2009 at 1:03 pm rating: +5
#41
pony girl
I love the ‘it would be grand’ though.
People don’t use the word grand enough, in my opinion.
It’s just so, well, grand.
It’s so The -Music -Man or Bye-Bye Birdie-ish.
Nov 7, 2009 at 8:15 am rating: +1
#42
Pers
Dear “great” Aunt,
You’ll be dead soon.
Bye, bye!
Nov 7, 2009 at 11:47 am rating: +2
#43
E
A check for $5?? The kid’s eleven…if you’re going to be a cheapskate be cute and send him $11! Or at least stick a nice crisp $10 bill in there.
Nov 7, 2009 at 3:16 pm rating: 0
#44
Alii
Well, great aunt’s a bitch.
Nov 7, 2009 at 6:56 pm rating: 0
#45
Palomon
The kid’s name is “Lincoln,” for Chrissakes. “Lincoln!”
Kid’s doomed.
Great Aunt’s note is just evidence of the toxic genetic cesspool the entire family tree sprouted from.
Gotta figure Great Aunt’s Great Sister reads something like that and mocks astonishment that the Aunt is still single and genuinely releived she has no kids.
That, friends, is the ray of hope- the writer of this PAN sounds childless, and is slowly dying a lonely death. Behold that idea and let us be glad in it.
God bless.
Nov 7, 2009 at 9:35 pm rating: 0
#46
Niccirf
hahahahaha! LOVE the 5 buck notation…guilt pusher AND a cheap – priceless!!
Nov 8, 2009 at 12:37 pm rating: 0
#47
Canthz_B
Cash is preferable to a check, but a check beats the dreaded savings bond any day.
Here’s some money for you. You get it all in 10 years!
Nov 8, 2009 at 7:11 pm rating: 0
#48
jinx
WTF? Who sends an 11 year old a check? I’m sure he has a checking accountant, or proper id, to cash it…
Nov 9, 2009 at 4:32 pm rating: 0
#49
Kieran
See, the joke is that Jesus isn’t real.
Nov 19, 2009 at 11:19 am rating: +1
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