Waiting for the rapture (and/or a thank you note)

November 5th, 2009 · 159 comments

Writes Ben in Snohomish, Washington: “We visit my aunt the same amount we visit the rest of our extended family, but for some reason she takes it personally that we don’t do so daily. She took the occasion of my son’s 11th birthday to take a shot at us.”

passiveaggressivenotes.com: birthday card - waiting for the second coming (and/or a thank you note)

related: my condolences on your birthday

FILED UNDER: birthday · family · guilt trip · Jesus · most popular notes of 2009 · old folks · Washington state


159 responses so far ↓

  • #1   famous_lizzy

    Yes, way to go ‘great’ Aunt, it’s good to begin the break from the family early. He learns from you that his mommy and daddy are why you’re angry. Then he hears mommy and daddy muttering about you. Eventually, he moves away and loses touch with all of you forever, but is well balanced and sane.
    It’s a modern day fairy tale.

    Nov 5, 2009 at 7:05 pm   rating: 70  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   dpiercy85

      It’s fake!

      Nov 6, 2009 at 5:41 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   becstar

    Wow. She thinks there’s more chance of Jesus returning than of the family coming to visit? That’s awesome.

    Nov 5, 2009 at 7:11 pm   rating: 82  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Critical Grass bang

      Dear “Great” Aunt,

      I was planning on visiting when hell froze over, but I guess I can make an exception for when Jesus returns. Whatever comes first, ok?

      Link

      Nov 5, 2009 at 7:52 pm   rating: 113  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   spottedbuddy

      Thanks for the lovely invitation, Grate Aunt (as in, your constant whining, victim mentality and broken record grate on our very last nerve, necessitating contact with you be in very small doses).

      How does 5 p.m. 16 days after hell freezes over work for your schedule?
      We’d love to come sooner but unfortunately I’m extremely booked those first two weeks what with more than a dozen second dates with various creepy men, three jobs to return to, appearing on American Idol, running the Boston Marathon and a lot of meals at overpriced restaurants of dubious sanitary status.

      Nov 7, 2009 at 12:48 am   rating: 24  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   anglophile bang

    ($5 ck enclosed)

    (because I wouldn’t put it past my nephew and that little snip he married to steal your birthday check and not tell you)

    Nov 5, 2009 at 7:17 pm   rating: 153  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Yertle the Turtle

      who writes a check for $5 anyway??!

      Nov 5, 2009 at 8:14 pm   rating: 54  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   Joe bang

      At least Lincoln can now get that footlong he’s always wanted. Too bad he has to come up with the money for tax on his own, though. And the money for chips and a drink.

      Wait, does that make the $5 more of a burden than a gift?

      Nov 6, 2009 at 8:40 am   rating: 38  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.3   Peasant

      As someone with a cousin who WOULD steal the $5 from the kid, adding an enclosure note wouldn’t help, so I doubt that’s what’s going on here. More likely as an oldster she actually knows to include the enclosure note unlike you young whipper snappers. The amount matters too. You might search in your trash for $100 check, but maybe not a $5 one.

      Yertle, you don’t send cash via mail do you?

      Nov 6, 2009 at 11:12 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.4   Car RamRod

      I wouldn’t send alot of money by mail, but 5 dollars? Like you say, you might not even look for it in the garbage, why not send it?

      Nov 6, 2009 at 4:19 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.5   Brad F.

      Actually, the amount is what bothered me. What year does she think this is? 1934? What the hell can you get, even for a 5 y/o, for his birthday for 5 bucks? 3 candy bars? FFS.

      Nov 7, 2009 at 12:01 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.6   Flaboy2425

      Hell, she’s better than my sister who would have told me what to spend the $5.00 for.

      Nov 7, 2009 at 12:11 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.7   Car RamRod

      I don’t know, 5 bucks is a lot when you’re that age. What are you gonna give a kid? 20? 50? What the fuck is he gonna spend it on? It’s the mere fact that they have some money of their own that excites young kids. However, the check kind of ruins it. It doesn’t exactly feel the same when holding a check instead of cash.

      Nov 8, 2009 at 3:47 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.8   anglophile bang

      No, C RR, 5 bucks was a lot when we were 11 years old.

      Today’s 11 year old is not at all thrilled with 5 bucks. 9 year old, maybe.

      Nov 8, 2009 at 4:39 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.9   Canthz_B bang

      I know when my allowance went from 50¢ to 75¢ a week I felt like Howard fucking Hughes!!

      A five-spot would have put me into a coma!

      But now, $5 is, what?…one tenth of the way to a new video game CD?

      Nov 8, 2009 at 6:59 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.10   exo bang

      Ya, an 11 year old probably digs things like video games. Only 12 more birthdays and he’ll be able to afford one!

      Nov 10, 2009 at 1:21 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   oi bang

    don’t you know she has $5.00 check enclosed with it? Now she OWNS Lincoln so don’t you go hating her for scoffing him a little. After all, all she has done is mere 5 lines with mean tone and dare to have a wonderful birthday in birthday wishing.

    Nov 5, 2009 at 7:22 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

     
  • #5   park rose

    She might leave for heaven, but sour grapes and guilt trips ain’t the key to unlocking the pearly gates. Or so I’ve heard.

    It would be great to see you before I leave for heaven, or before Jesus returns me as fast as he can.

    Nov 5, 2009 at 7:22 pm   rating: 32  small thumbs up

     
  • #6   leftfoot

    Dear “Great” Aunt,

    I didn’t know you were going on a trip! Is it a cruise? Is Jesus your boyfriend? What do you mean by “when he returns”? Where is he, anyway?

    Anyway, thanks for the money, I guess. $5 doesn’t buy a damn thing these days. Next time, send me a Hot Topic gift card.

    Link (age 15)
    (That’s right. I don’t go by Lincoln anymore.)

    PS. I’m gay.

    Nov 5, 2009 at 7:26 pm   rating: 215  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   Critical Grass bang

      Dear Link,

      You’re 15 and you don’t know Jesus? That only ratifies what I’ve always known: Your parents are useless!

      PS.: Your father is gay too. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

      Nov 5, 2009 at 7:33 pm   rating: 38  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   Critical Grass bang

      Coming to think about it… think she meant Jesus Luz.
      Yeah… That’s it.

      Nov 6, 2009 at 6:36 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.3   Mo® bang

      Mi Tia
      So you hooked up with Jesus from Sao Paulo finally? I can’t wait to get to Miami and find my own pool boy!

      Ta,
      Link Wray

      Not that there is anything wrong with that.

      Nov 6, 2009 at 12:43 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.4   Critical Grass bang

      Querido sobrino,

      Yes, I hooked up with Jesus from São Paulo, but now I kinda regret breaking up what God Her/Himself united, la madonna and Jesus should always be together.

      I know eventually the rags wrath of God will come down on me…

      Reza por tu tía, niño. Ay…

      Nov 6, 2009 at 7:10 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   lincoln

    Dear Great Aunt,

    Thank you for the $5 and the guilt.

    I plan on using the $5 to partially pay for my copay at a therapist, where I discuss my crazy family and how they screwed me up.

    I would love to keep in touch with you, but my family is planning on going to Hell.

    Perhaps I will still see you.

    Love,

    Lincoln

    Nov 5, 2009 at 7:27 pm   rating: 71  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   spottedbuddy

      PS: You might want to bring a jacket – it’s going to be really, really cold down there when I come see you.

      Nov 7, 2009 at 1:00 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   Critical Grass bang

    It’s a lot less creepy than if she said that would see him after she leaves for heaven.

    Nov 5, 2009 at 7:27 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Mo® bang

      ” A Haunting in Snohomish”

      Nov 6, 2009 at 12:45 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   The Gosford of James

    For a number of reasons (five), we hate your blog.

    Have a nice day.

    Nov 5, 2009 at 7:31 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   mamason bang

      For a number of reasons (twenty-three) we hate you more.

      Have a shitty day.

      wehateyoumore.com

      Nov 5, 2009 at 7:34 pm   rating: 41  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.2   Critical Grass bang

      Oh, you guys! That’s so nice!

      Everytime I read a comment like this a get a warm and fuzzy feeling. :D

      Much love.

      wedonotcare.com

      Nov 5, 2009 at 7:37 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.3   Canthz_B bang

      Special.

      Nov 5, 2009 at 7:40 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.4   sharkbot

      Are you jealous of all the hits that the blogs you hate get in comparison to your own?

      Shall we alert the WAHmbulance?

      Nov 5, 2009 at 7:44 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.5   oi bang

      @ # 9, Touche!
      Only difference is that we don’t make a visit to the blogs we hate, not even to comment that we hate their blog.

      Nov 5, 2009 at 7:49 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.6   Beanster bang

      for having remarkably few comments on any blog posting (six), we decide your blog is only read by your mom.

      hi james’ mom!

      weloveyourmom.com

      Nov 5, 2009 at 7:54 pm   rating: 36  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.7   Canthz_B bang

      I don’t even click on links posted by weirdos.
      Too many butt-holes out there trying to spread computer viruses for my taste.

      Nov 5, 2009 at 7:59 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.8   mamason bang

      You can click on my link anytime you want, CB. ;-)

      8-O

      Nov 5, 2009 at 8:07 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.9   JetJackson

      Awww… more responses in one hour on someone elses blog than you have recieved on your own blog this month. Suggestion for your next post “We hate ourselves”.

      Nov 5, 2009 at 8:10 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.10   Critical Grass bang

      CB, I clicked.
      Now I’m filled with rag…eh… regret.

      Nov 5, 2009 at 8:24 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.11   aaa bang

      Blogs like that are boring and lazy.

      Nov 5, 2009 at 9:52 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.12   Geek Goddess

      I didn’t click.
      I don’t care.
      I am warm and fuzzy.
      I know viruses are not the only thing spread by butt-holes.

      weloveyourmom(notthatthereisanythingwrongwiththat).com

      Nov 5, 2009 at 9:55 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.13   GK bang

      Classic-style attention-seeking troll is attention-seeking.

      Nobody bothers responding to the reams of “I love your blog” comments, but stuff like this earns him the attention (if not the adulation) of millions several! If I ever get that desperate for company, just shoot me instead.

      Nov 6, 2009 at 3:25 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.14   Critical Grass bang

      Will do.

      Nov 6, 2009 at 6:18 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.15   GK bang

      Thanks!

      Nov 6, 2009 at 7:11 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.16   Critical Grass bang

      Anytime, GK.

      *cleaning the rifle gun while saying in low voice: “This is my rifle.
      There are many like it, but this one is MINE…”*

      Nov 6, 2009 at 9:23 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.17   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Seven-six-two millimeter. Full. Metal. Jacket.

      Nov 6, 2009 at 9:56 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.18   Mo® bang

      God has a hard-on for Marines because we kill everything we see! He plays His games, we play ours! To show our appreciation for so much power, we keep heaven packed with fresh souls! God was here before the Marine Corps! So you can give your heart to Jesus, but your ass belongs to the Corps!

      Nov 6, 2009 at 12:51 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.19   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Sir, yes sir!
      Bullshit I can’t hear you. Sound off like you got a pair.

      Nov 6, 2009 at 1:18 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.20   Mo® bang

      If you ladies leave my island, if you survive recruit training, you will be a weapon. You will be a minister of death praying for war.

      Nov 6, 2009 at 1:32 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.21   oi bang

      to CG @ 9.14, You stole my response once again! :P
      I think I have earned that right.

      Nov 6, 2009 at 1:45 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.22   Gandalf

      This is my weapon, and this is my gun. One is for fighting, the others for…

      Nov 6, 2009 at 3:14 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.23   Car RamRod

      That jerkoff probably just came on here to stir up trouble so that someone would actually visit his shitty blog out of anger/curiosity and he might actually get enough hits to get a couple bucks out of advertising. Every penny counts when saving up for that special edition pair of Star Trek underwear.

      Nov 6, 2009 at 4:33 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.24   Critical Grass bang

      To oi @ 9.21, great minds, oi. Great minds…

      Nov 6, 2009 at 5:13 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.25   aaa bang

      THAT SPECIAL EDITION STAR TREK UNDERWEAR IS FUCKING WORTH IT. >:O

      Nov 7, 2009 at 9:33 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.26   GK bang

      IS HE DISSING SPECIAL EDITION STAR TREK UNDERWEAR

      BITCH I’LL SCRATCH YOUR EYES OUT

      Nov 9, 2009 at 3:17 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   mamason bang

    Dear “Great” Aunt,

    Thank you (I think) for the birthday card. I can’t understand why Mom & Dad don’t connect w/you. You seem just swell.

    ($5.00 check enclosed? Really? I’ll try not to spend it all in one place.)

    Love,
    Lincoln :roll:

    Nov 5, 2009 at 7:31 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   crumplet

    If they don’t visit any time soon Lincoln probably won’t be able to cash that check either. Poor kid.

    Nov 5, 2009 at 7:34 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   Canthz_B bang

    Dear Auntie,

    Thanks for the Fin.

    I hope you’re more generous w/the Church, or your afterlife plans may need some tweaking.

    In case I don’t see you before you pass on, have a wonderful funeral.

    –Lincoln

    Nov 5, 2009 at 7:36 pm   rating: 48  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   Gandalf

      And what I place on your grave won’t pass for petunias!

      Nov 6, 2009 at 3:15 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   UnclGhost bang

    Dear Lincoln = (11 yrs. old?? 12? 13? I’m just guessing here!)

    Nov 5, 2009 at 7:38 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   Critical Grass bang

      I’ll keep throwing numbers until I find something that works, ok?

      Nov 5, 2009 at 7:46 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   Havingfitz

    All she needs to do is slip the kid $100.00 and hint there’s a lot more to come when she does go to Heaven. She’ll have more visitors than she knows what to do with.

    Nov 5, 2009 at 7:38 pm   rating: 42  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   mamason bang

      So sad, but so true.

      Nov 5, 2009 at 7:40 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   Critical Grass bang

      Sad?

      Nov 5, 2009 at 7:43 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.3   mamason bang

      Well, yeah. If you must resort to bribery for family visits and the thought that it probably would increase the amount of time spent with said family member, I find that sad for all involved.

      Nov 5, 2009 at 7:50 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.4   Critical Grass bang

      Aw… I was looking at it through the perspective of the person who receives the money. ;)

      Nov 5, 2009 at 7:56 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.5   mamason bang

      Sorry. I didn’t mean to bring down the funny vibe we’ve got goin’ on here. :-(

      *checks calendar again… yep. I’ll be filled with rags soon.* :-|

      Give me chocolate, now! :evil:

      Nov 5, 2009 at 8:03 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.6   Critical Grass bang

      *checking the calendar too*

      Sad things make me fill with rags. :(

      Sorry, there’s none left. No, not sorry! :evil:

      Nov 5, 2009 at 8:07 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.7   Mo® bang

      *sends mama chocolate thingies* :grin:

      Nov 6, 2009 at 12:53 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.8   Critical Grass bang

      Hey, you didn’t send me anything!

      WHY DO YOU HATE ME?! :(

      Nov 6, 2009 at 5:15 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.9   the gosford of james' underpants

      Do you have a blog?
      Let me give you five reasons ;)

      Nov 6, 2009 at 10:12 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.10   Critical Grass bang

      Yeah, I was hoping James would catch my drift there… Guess not, oh well…
      At least you got it, PR.

      Nov 7, 2009 at 9:08 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.11   mamason bang

      mmmm… Thanks mo! I love chocolate thingies! Just ask Papa! ;-)

      Nov 7, 2009 at 10:13 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   sharkbot

    That ungrateful cow should be glad that anyone even bothers to visit her at all!

    Nov 5, 2009 at 7:39 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   mamason bang

    Would you know my name
    If I saw you in heaven?
    Would it be the same ($5.00)
    If I saw you in heaven?

    I must be strong
    And carry on,
    ‘Cause I know you don’t belong
    Here in heaven.

    Nov 5, 2009 at 7:53 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   Gretal

    If someone sent me five dollar checks for my birthday I wouldn’t go visit them either. A card alone would be better!

    Nov 5, 2009 at 7:56 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   Geek Goddess

      Huh.

      I would do whatever it takes to suck up to people willing to give me $5 for my birthday. Enough people like that and it all adds up to a nice little Σ.

      Nov 5, 2009 at 10:06 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.2   infant tyrone bang

      Dear Auntie Crypta,

      Glad to hear that you received my email with the, um…attachments.

      Got your card, check, and clue that there will be a big payday the next time I visit. (Hey, I didn’t expect you to offer me a full grand for those photos!)

      I’ll be coming in on the #221 bus with Cousin Barbi to visit you on Friday.
      We’re OK if you have cake and ice cream ready, but really…less is more.
      Seriously, just have $1,000 cash ready and we’ll all have a good time.

      Barbi’s especially looking forward to seeing you because she’s got this new stoner boyfriend whose birthday is coming up next week, and she wants to buy him a really big surprise package, which would be hard to do with what she has left over from your birthday card of last month.

      I think you’ll really appreciate how mature Barbi and I have become. Specifically, you will be impressed that we are OK with not telling Uncle Thanatz about how you and your gardener Hay-Seuss like to play Doctor. After all, at your age, it’s about the recreation, not procreation, right?

      In summation, we feel lucky to have you as our Aunt, and since you never liked the name Lincoln, if you want, you can call me Grover or Cleveland.

      Discreetly,
      Your One-and-Only “Grand” Nephew

      Nov 6, 2009 at 12:11 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   mare

    Nice. You might actually want to think about visiting her less often; 11 year olds are impressionable.

    Nov 5, 2009 at 8:00 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   Canthz_B bang

    Lincoln, you will know your great-aunt if you ever see her in public.

    She’ll be the old bat with her head cocked at an odd 45° angle to her left.

    Nov 5, 2009 at 8:02 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   bowloftoast bang

      CB, I had both barrels loaded and dead sights on this cockeyed harridan, but you beat me to the punch. Good eye.

      Nov 6, 2009 at 2:14 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #20   Renagade676

    That is the worst birthday card ever.

    If I was Lincoln’s mom, I would write a very detailed letter about how her behavior is not what I want around our children, and make it a clear point that I would never want her to contact my children with this manipulative crap ever again.

    What can I say, I don’t like people projecting their trashy behavior on children.

    Nov 5, 2009 at 8:06 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   mamason bang

      Is there anything that you will allow people to “project” onto your children? :-|

      What? Claw wants to know.

      Nov 5, 2009 at 8:12 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.2   Woman on the Verge bang

      Where is claw, anyway? He should really be here.

      Nov 6, 2009 at 6:11 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.3   park rose bang

      I did expect that the crack about the 10 year old’s crack on the thread previously, where the crackshot writer wanted to know how the submitter of the note knew what a 10 year old’s crack looked like, might have enticed claw to crawl out of his crack and have a crack at giving us the craic on it all.

      Nov 6, 2009 at 6:24 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.4   GK bang

      That crack was addictively delicious!

      Nov 6, 2009 at 7:03 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.5   park rose bang

      Now I’m looking at you slightly askance, GK. I mean, more than before.

      Nov 6, 2009 at 7:54 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.6   GK bang

      If you look askance at me any further, you’ll need corrective lenses.

      Nov 6, 2009 at 9:12 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #21   Act

    A five-dollar check? Is a bill that hard to come across? That’s like writing out a check for $0.50.

    Nov 5, 2009 at 8:13 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   Canthz_B bang

      More like 10 checks for .50¢ each. :lol:

      Nov 5, 2009 at 8:28 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.2   JetJackson

      The cheque probably bounced resulting in a $5 administration fee for poor Lincoln.

      Nov 5, 2009 at 8:33 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.3   pony girl

      So sad, but that happened to me. I had a library fee, and no cash.
      So I wrote a check for 50 cents.
      They didn’t cash it for 6 weeks, and of course, it was the day before payday.
      So, I paid a $32 fee for a 2 cent overdraft on a 50 cent check.

      I’m still not over it. It fills me with rags!

      Nov 5, 2009 at 9:06 pm   rating: 31  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.4   Canthz_B bang

      Been there plus, PG.

      I had a situation years ago wherein the bank had to give my money to Sears for an old credit card debt.

      I had written checks for my cable bill and gas & electric before I was notified by the bank that my money was gone.
      So, after giving my money to Sears, they charged me $30 per check that I had written in good faith, that they could tell I had written before they gave away my money.

      Then I was not only broke, but still had to pay my cable bill, my gas & electric bill, and I now owed the bank $60!!!

      (I forgot to mention that the bank took a $100 administrative fee off the top before they paid Sears!)

      Nov 5, 2009 at 11:33 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   Barbi

    OMG this is my great aunt!!
    Except we get 3 page letters telling us about how much we hurt her by not talking to her. Lincoln is a lucky boy that his parents don’t make him spend time with his crazy great aunt.

    Nov 5, 2009 at 9:50 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   Beanster bang

      my aunt recently told me that she had felt disconnected from our lives, but since she got facebook and she could see what we were doing she feels she knows us so much better.

      then some “sage wisdom” from her crazy mind and guilt about saying the fuck word. ahh… family

      Nov 5, 2009 at 10:39 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.2   Canthz_B bang

      Shame on you, Beans!
      That should be “the fuck w.” :-P

      Nov 6, 2009 at 12:00 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   aaa bang

    You guilt us, but you
    Can’t be bothered to travel
    Thanks for the five bucks

    Nov 5, 2009 at 10:08 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

     
  • #24   Cynta

    I think St. Pete is going to expect more than a measly five bucks…

    Nov 5, 2009 at 10:27 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   Snobahr

    What’s so “great” about a distant aunt who sends crappy notes with cheap-ass checks?

    Nov 5, 2009 at 10:30 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   mamason bang

      I had a creepy uncle who was always giving us ass checks, but I guess that’s different.

      Nov 5, 2009 at 11:39 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.2   Canthz_B bang

      The one you called “Uncle Jumpy” because his lap was always moving?

      Nov 6, 2009 at 12:04 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.3   Critical Grass bang

      CB, how do you know about “Uncle Jumpy”?

      Nov 6, 2009 at 7:13 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.4   mamason bang

      CB is Uncle Jumpy! :lol:

      Nov 7, 2009 at 10:15 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.5   Canthz_B bang

      HEY! I REGISTERED!! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?!

      Nov 7, 2009 at 11:18 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #26   GK bang

    So the kid’s called Lincoln, the letter’s from his “Great-Aunt Lincoln”…. I bet this family’s surname is Lincoln as well!

    Nov 6, 2009 at 3:28 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   Bella

      I shit you not, there was a family in the town I went to high school at with the surname “Lincoln.” The two children were named “Astra Lincoln” and “Raven Lincoln” and their dad was “Lincoln Lincoln.” Oh, and they walked everywhere and never wore shoes… but the dad always had on a fedora. WHAT are the odds?

      Dec 31, 2009 at 12:37 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #27   Peurt

    And that is exactly why she DOESN’T get regular visits, ladies and gentlemen!

    This woman is so filled with rags, she writes cursive that looks like she was drafting a note during an earthquake.

    Nov 6, 2009 at 3:48 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #28   Chicken Underwear

    That is exactly why I don’t let my kids open their mail.

    Nov 6, 2009 at 5:38 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #29   Woman on the Verge bang

    I take my role as GREAT Aunt very seriously. I have 4 GREAT nieces and nephews and do my best to buy them birthday gifts to outdo everyone else. I have earned the GREAT in my title. Never mind that my 2 year old nephew liked the shredded paper in the gift bag more than the toy…

    Nov 6, 2009 at 6:13 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #29.1   park rose bang

      Are you sure it was shredded paper, WotV? Maybe that gift bag was filled with rags.

      Nov 6, 2009 at 6:21 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #30   Woman on the Verge bang

    Wait! I can translate old person!

    Dear Lincoln (damn, how many years has it been since prison? 11? 13?)

    I am your rich bitch greatest aunt ever. Your parents keep you from me because they still hold that little prostitution bust from ’73 against me.

    I’m sure you will have a terrific birthday if you go to the Heaven strip club, where I used work the pole. Ask for Jesus and tell him I sent you.

    (Use the $5 to tuck into a G-string of your choice)

    Nov 6, 2009 at 6:22 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #30.1   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Wo hunny, wake up…you are back in Kansas again with the pruney , mothball smellin’ old aunt that hangs on to pennies so hard they squeek.

      Nov 6, 2009 at 1:01 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #31   Mary Shea

    This is golden. hahaha

    Nov 6, 2009 at 6:23 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #31.1   park rose bang

      So is silence (not that I heed my own advice, obviously).

      Nov 6, 2009 at 7:56 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.2   Geek Goddess

      Well, auntie sure isn’t one of the Golden Girls.

      Nov 6, 2009 at 4:51 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.3   ashmeadow

      What are you talking about? Rose would totally write a note like this to a grandnephew!

      Nov 8, 2009 at 1:21 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #32   Chicken Underwear

    As a brother who wants nothing to do with his sister, I know I have no right to wright a note like that to my nephews and nieces who I have no relationship with. But my sister might send that note to my kids

    Nov 6, 2009 at 6:49 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #32.1   GK bang

      Username is surprisingly appropriate, seeing as how you’re airing your dirty laundry in public and all.

      Nov 6, 2009 at 7:14 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.2   tinkerbell2

      Yes, thanks for sharing..

      Nov 6, 2009 at 7:30 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.3   Geek Goddess

      I think he has a rite to make a point like that. We all like to right about the things that matter to us, even if it hasn’t, up until now, been one of his daily writes the way it is for some of us. And it has been known for some people to not be write, and then to own up to it later, right about it and generally make things rite.

      All write?
      Rite!

      Nov 6, 2009 at 4:56 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.4   park rose

      He was wrought* with angst, GG, after she wrung him out and left him to dry; plus, she is, frankly, though some say wrightly and some say wrongly, the architect of his despair.

      *Usage: Wrought is sometimes used as if it were the past tense and past participle of wreak as in the hurricane wrought havoc in coastal areas. Many people think this use is incorrect

      Nov 6, 2009 at 10:17 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.5   infant tyrone bang

      Sheesh, you guys…baitin’ yer old chum with this malarkey…holy mackerel!

      Dunno how many wrongs make a wright turn the lathe the right way, but…

      Whether she wrung him out or wrought him over, he was (barring having been buried under a barrage of Egyptian eternal life symbols) most likely simply *fraught* with angst…although if we’re talking about a Scots-Yiddish great aunt who relishes heaping on the *shuld*, you probably should say, “She fraught (v. tr.) him with a fraught (adj.) fraught (n.).”
      …………………………………………………………………

      If someone says “The hurricane wrought havoc…” thinking that wrought is a past form of “wreak”…they’re just wrong…but,
      If someone says “The hurricane wrought havoc…” using wrought as a past form of “work”, well, that’s OK lingo per almost any wordwright.

      Short of asking them which way they had in mind, you’ll never know if they were in a state of vocabulary grace or not, so just cut ‘em some slack (or cut ‘em some bait) and hum a few milli-bars of Zappa’s “Any Way the Wind Blows”…what else ya gonna do? Ask Schroedinger’s cat?
      Oh sure, it’s infallible, but half the time it’s in no condition to answer…

      Nov 7, 2009 at 12:49 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.6   Geek Goddess

      *swoons with overwrought ecstasy at pr and it’s masterful use of vocabulary*

      Nov 7, 2009 at 1:30 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.7   Canthz_B bang

      “Wrighting”: The earliest form of air mail.

      Usage: She needs this as soon as possible, I’d better Wright it to her.

      Nov 8, 2009 at 7:16 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.8   anglophile bang

      I don’t think you spelled that word rayet, CB.

      Nov 8, 2009 at 7:24 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.9   park rose bang

      Well, here’s our fraught for the day:
      The road to enlightenment is wrought with malapropisms.

      Nov 28, 2009 at 9:39 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #33   Daniel The Last

    I had a rotten grandmother who pulled this crap , she didnt talk to me for 10 years and said it was all my fault, even tho i wrote her. I’m sorry i’m related to her and her miserable son, rot in hell grandma and daddy too

    Nov 6, 2009 at 7:14 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #33.1   park rose bang

      Is that you Jim? Did you ever break on through to the other side?

      Nov 6, 2009 at 7:56 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #33.2   Critical Grass bang

      Daniel, did she steal your pumpkins too?

      Rott inn helll, Grandmaa!

      Nov 6, 2009 at 8:21 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #33.3   Mo® bang

      Why do I hear “Die Walküre” playing through loudspeakers?

      Nov 6, 2009 at 1:40 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #33.4   MAMARILLA2 bang

      I’ve seen horrors… horrors that you’ve seen. But you have no right to call me a murderer. You have a right to kill me. You have a right to do that… but you have no right to judge me. It’s impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what horror means. Horror. Horror has a face… and you must make a friend of horror. Horror and moral terror are your friends.

      Nov 6, 2009 at 1:57 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #33.5   Mo® bang

      This is the end…
      My beautiful friend, the end.

      Father. Yes son? I want to kill you!

      Nov 6, 2009 at 3:01 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #33.6   Geek Goddess

      Our chief friend is horror. Horror and moral terror. Moral terror and horror. Our two friends are moral terror and . . .

      *realizes that she is on the wrong set*

      Nov 6, 2009 at 5:05 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #33.7   Geek Goddess

      *stumbles back in, realizing that with lines like that to say out loud, there is no right set*

      I challenge anyone to repeat #33.6 three times. Twice if you have been hitting the vodka.

      Nov 7, 2009 at 1:31 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #34   laurie

    Is there some connection between the great aunt writing a check for $5 and the fact that President Lincoln is on the $5 bill? Like, an extra way to smite the child by denying him the image of his possible namesake?

    That lady is diabolical!

    Nov 6, 2009 at 9:23 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #34.1   Critical Grass bang

      Laurie, like the way you think.

      Nov 6, 2009 at 9:37 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #35   Joe 2

    JESUS would cough up more than five bucks!
    Auntie Maim better cool it with the guilt trips or Heaven might be farther away than she thinks.

    (On a related note: anybody remember the episode of “Six Feet Under” where the sex dolls filled with helium broke free and the Bible-banger thought it was the Rapture and ran in front of a truck?)

    Nov 6, 2009 at 9:36 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #36   MoFoThanYoFo

    Not only am I willing to reimburse Grams for this PAN tripe, but I’d bet another whole 5 bones that Jesus _will_ be on her doorstep before Lincoln.

    Now that I think of it-I bet Jesus would show up, remember that all she gave Link was the fiver, and take a pass-if not a Passover.

    Nov 6, 2009 at 10:24 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #37   the elf

    I give her a pass on the $5 check. My great-aunt used to do the same thing (minus the guilt trip), because she was a widow on a tight fixed income. $5 was not insignificant to her. So, I’d go out and buy a paperback with it and write her a nice thank you note.

    But I don’t give her a pass on the PAN. Way to pour on the guilt, great-aunt!

    Nov 6, 2009 at 11:16 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #37.1   Canthz_B bang

      I love how seniors are always saying that they’re on a fixed income…as if us working folks don’t get the same pay each week, without that nice Social Security COLA (cost of living allowance) to count on each year.

      That would add some excitement to working at least, making opening your paycheck a little like a bi-weekly awards show.

      And now the moment you’ve all been waiting for here at Random Pay-o-Rama!…The envelope please?…And the salary is…!

      Nov 7, 2009 at 6:29 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #38   Nikki

    That brought the sunshine my day had been missing!

    Nov 6, 2009 at 12:18 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #39   MAMARILLA2 bang

    There could have been more guilt written on that piece of paper if she had not written every thing at an angle.

    Nov 6, 2009 at 1:03 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #39.1   Geek Goddess

      So does the angle reduce the passive-aggressivity?

      Nov 6, 2009 at 5:07 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.2   park rose bang

      No, it makes it more acute.

      Nov 6, 2009 at 5:20 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.3   Woman on the Verge bang

      I think you’re acute too, rose.

      Nov 6, 2009 at 7:05 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.4   Critical Grass bang

      Everybody needs to be acute nowadays.

      Nov 6, 2009 at 7:14 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.5   Canthz_B bang

      Some people are just too obtuse for that.

      Or maybe they’ve just been doing the chronic!

      Nov 7, 2009 at 6:20 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #40   pony girl

    I love the ‘it would be grand’ though.
    People don’t use the word grand enough, in my opinion.
    It’s just so, well, grand.
    It’s so The -Music -Man or Bye-Bye Birdie-ish.

    Nov 7, 2009 at 8:15 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #40.1   Canthz_B bang

      Agreed. You can still say “I had a grand experience.”
      The meaning is clear.
      Not so much anymore with “I had a gay experience.” :-P

      Nov 7, 2009 at 9:07 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #41   Pers

    Dear “great” Aunt,

    You’ll be dead soon.

    Bye, bye!

    Nov 7, 2009 at 11:47 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #42   E

    A check for $5?? The kid’s eleven…if you’re going to be a cheapskate be cute and send him $11! Or at least stick a nice crisp $10 bill in there.

    Nov 7, 2009 at 3:16 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #42.1   Critical Grass bang

      I think “great” aunt was inspired by “this”.

      Nov 7, 2009 at 5:54 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #43   Alii

    Well, great aunt’s a bitch.

    Nov 7, 2009 at 6:56 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #44   Palomon bang

    The kid’s name is “Lincoln,” for Chrissakes. “Lincoln!”
    Kid’s doomed.
    Great Aunt’s note is just evidence of the toxic genetic cesspool the entire family tree sprouted from.
    Gotta figure Great Aunt’s Great Sister reads something like that and mocks astonishment that the Aunt is still single and genuinely releived she has no kids.
    That, friends, is the ray of hope- the writer of this PAN sounds childless, and is slowly dying a lonely death. Behold that idea and let us be glad in it.
    God bless.

    Nov 7, 2009 at 9:35 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #45   Niccirf

    hahahahaha! LOVE the 5 buck notation…guilt pusher AND a cheap – priceless!!

    Nov 8, 2009 at 12:37 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #46   Canthz_B bang

    Cash is preferable to a check, but a check beats the dreaded savings bond any day.
    Here’s some money for you. You get it all in 10 years!

    Nov 8, 2009 at 7:11 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #47   jinx

    WTF? Who sends an 11 year old a check? I’m sure he has a checking accountant, or proper id, to cash it…

    Nov 9, 2009 at 4:32 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #47.1   MAMARILLA2 bang

      The best one is sending a check drawn on an institution that is regionally restricted…My father did that with me… Even with a bank account good luck getting it cashed without a 3 day hold…

      Nov 9, 2009 at 7:40 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #48   Kieran

    See, the joke is that Jesus isn’t real.

    Nov 19, 2009 at 11:19 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #49   Entrepreneurship and Acton » Blog Archive » Unusual Business Tools For Entrepreneurs: Part I

    [...] Photos courtesy of Heather, Jovike, my name’s axe!, faungg, amymyou, and passive aggressive notes [...]

    Aug 30, 2010 at 5:25 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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