All that’s missing is a smiley face and an xoxo

November 8th, 2009 · 90 comments

“After being kicked out of the apartment for numerous horrible acts,” says S. in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, “Our roommate for the summer sent us this with her last rent check…which was later edited a bit by one angry roommate.” S. leaves us to wonder exactly what kinds of “horrible acts” were committed by K., but I’m going to assume they were pretty “atroecious.”

First, I would like to apologize

related: the patron(izing) saint of roommates

FILED UNDER: non-apology apology · roommates · South Dakota


90 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Canthz_B bang

    I don’t think she has to pay for the futon whore unless she took her with when she moved.

    Nov 8, 2009 at 6:56 pm   rating: 61  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Thanks!

      I heart futon whores.

      Nov 8, 2009 at 7:28 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   Critical Grass bang

      Yes! They’re the best kind of whores. Or futons. I don’t know…

      Nov 8, 2009 at 7:36 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   Canthz_B bang

      You can heart futon whores if you like.

      I a far different part of my anatomy them. :-P

      Nov 8, 2009 at 7:40 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.4   Many Worlds bang

      Haiku for Everett-Wheeler

      Oh! Kay, foot-on whore!
      Stomping, trampling helpless Nate!
      Gunner waits and churns…

      Kay, in FMP’s
      Crushing all of Gunner’s dreams
      Sea cuke Nate awaits

      Nov 8, 2009 at 10:03 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.5   Renagade676

      Futon whores aren’t just travel sized – they’re FUN sized!

      Nov 9, 2009 at 1:32 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.6   Thanks!

      I picture a futon whore as missing at least one tooth, wearing shorts that are too short, scraggly hair and a fishy smell. A lso a drug habit or two, hence the need to whore. Can’t run the bitch off and she’s always hogging the damn futon.

      Nov 9, 2009 at 8:21 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   MissPA

    It’s always nice when someone decides to be the bigger person, isn’t it?

    Nov 8, 2009 at 7:01 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Canthz_B bang

      Decides? I’m always the bigger man! :twisted:

      Nov 8, 2009 at 7:25 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   Dani

      my favourite part of that was the “that’s what she said” add-on. it will never get old.

      Nov 9, 2009 at 6:11 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.3   JetJackson

      I disagree… I am going to slap the next person I hear say that.

      Nov 9, 2009 at 7:23 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.4   Critical Grass bang

      That’s what she s…

      Sorry.

      Nov 9, 2009 at 7:34 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.5   JetJackson

      Hmmm wishing for a ‘thumbs down’ is not enough… I need a ‘slap’ button.

      Nov 9, 2009 at 8:21 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   anglophile bang

    But, yeah. Why should she have had to pay a last rent check? Don’t you pay rent forward?

    I’m kinda on the note-writer’s side, mostly because I found the “edits” to be terribly unwitty.

    Nov 8, 2009 at 7:07 pm   rating: 69  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Na

      I agree. The note-writer might be sounding a little self-righteous, but the editor comes off as abeing incredibally immature and petty.

      For example, it’s one thing to have a boyfriend over without talking about it with the roommates first, but it doesn’t make her a “dirty slut-bag”.

      Nov 8, 2009 at 7:23 pm   rating: 36  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   Fresca

      Oh, I thought the editor was calling Nate a dirty slut bag. And, have to say…..he is.

      Nov 8, 2009 at 7:25 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.3   anglophile bang

      Maybe the roommates were Mormons, Na. In which case, whoo boy, K better be prepared for the stoning.

      Nov 8, 2009 at 7:30 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.4   Yertle the Turtle bang

      I am also on the note-writer’s side…these other girls just seem like they’re grasping for straws in their attempts to make fun of a pretty reasonably-written apology note. Highlighter, really? And their use of “whore” while calling out her use of “shitty” as naughty??! Wow, I wouldn’t have stuck around with these girls long enough to get kicked out!

      Nov 8, 2009 at 7:30 pm   rating: 43  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.5   Canthz_B bang

      The edits are pointless.

      Why?

      Because the note-writer will never see them.

      Face it, Losers, she’s moved on…so much so that she can afford to pay you for something she doesn’t even feel liable for.

      Save your passive-aggressiveness for each other, we eagerly look forward to hearing from you in the very near future.

      Nov 8, 2009 at 7:30 pm   rating: 74  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.6   Critical Grass bang

      Not to mention we would have done a much better job with the editing.

      Leave it to the pros, dirt slut-bag futon whore honey.

      Nov 8, 2009 at 7:42 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.7   BillyDinPVD

      I thought it was that Shane was a dirty shit bag.

      Nov 9, 2009 at 9:38 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.8   Palomon bang

      Wasn’t there a PAN posted a while ago where the sender had stolen the note-writer’s stuff? Kinda reminds me of that. The high-lighting strikes me as a lot more PA than the original note, which may not be the most articulate letter ever written, but does show an attempt to own up, share a piece of her mind in a fairly straight forward manner and move on.
      Plus, I have a warm place in my heart for dirty futon slut bags. God bless ‘em.

      Nov 9, 2009 at 1:03 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.9   MK

      i agree with the note-writer.. if you are kicking someone out — no matter what they did — they shouldn’t have to pay the rent when they are not even living there!

      i would have had a shitty summer in sioux falls, anyway.

      Nov 9, 2009 at 3:47 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.10   Maas

      The question of the identity of the “dirty slut bag” (or is the “lu” really “hi”?) intrigues me. The arrow drawn may indicate Nate as what the DSB refers to, or the arrow may apply to the event described, seeking its justificational grounding in those goings-on, and thus apply to either the author or Nate (or any unnamed parties, perhaps the note’s submitter was more involved than we were hitherto privy to) . This quandary, though perplexing, is not without solution. As as “slut” (which I see as being the central character of DSB), by definition, describes a woman, there can be but one conclusion…

      Nate is a woman!

      Once more, deductive reasoning triumphs in an unsteady world!

      Nov 9, 2009 at 4:01 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.11   prairielily

      I took the edit to be a correction of what the note writer called the person who edited the note.

      “I’m sorry I called you skanky when Nate spent the night.”

      “You called me a dirty slut bag!”

      But yeah, I’m sure they were all catty and horrible to each other.

      Nov 13, 2009 at 12:46 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   Fresca

    I want to know who Gunner is, and what he ruined. If it included the futon whore….how much are those going for these days, anyway?

    Nov 8, 2009 at 7:13 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Critical Grass bang

      It depends, are you provinding the futon? ‘Cause I hear if they have to bring their own futon it’s a bit more expensive.

      Nov 8, 2009 at 7:47 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   JetJackson

      ‘Gunner’ sounds like a steroid-pumping caveman that can only produce short phrases in third person.

      “Gunner hungry, Gunner need food now!”

      “Gunner no like.”

      “Gunner break futon whore… Gunner sorry.”

      Nov 8, 2009 at 8:11 pm   rating: 40  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.3   goose

      My guess is that Gunner is the futon whore.

      Nov 8, 2009 at 8:12 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.4   Yertle the Turtle bang

      No, I think Gunner ruined the futon whore

      Nov 8, 2009 at 10:17 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.5   Geek Goddess

      But isn’t a futon whore already ruined beyond redemption?

      Nov 9, 2009 at 1:10 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.6   JuneBug

      I assumed it was Gunnar Nelson as he ruined music for me in the early 1990s.

      Nov 9, 2009 at 8:45 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.7   RoxyBlue

      I suspect Gunnar is a cat or dog.

      Additionally, I suspect that Nate and the note writer did “dirty and/or naughty” things on a futon belonging to neither of them which, while nasty, is not eviction worthy. Didn’t any of these people go to University?

      Nov 9, 2009 at 12:47 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   MrMurakami bang

    If I were S., I would demand that K. apologize better for the “things that are her fault,” like her lack of ability to recognize that being vague in your apology isn’t a good way to show you’re sorry.

    Nov 8, 2009 at 7:24 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Fresca

      I hereby apologize for all of the things that were my fault, and angrily disavow all of the things that weren’t. There, done! Wow, that was so much easier than I’d expected.

      Nov 8, 2009 at 7:36 pm   rating: 41  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   Al Gore bang

      I’m sorry I invented the Internet. I never would have done it if I had known what would happen.

      Really. My bad.

      Nov 8, 2009 at 7:41 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.3   Kelly

      I blame you for two girls one cup, Mr. Vice President.

      Nov 8, 2009 at 10:09 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.4   Woman on the Verge bang

      This sounds vaguely like a Catholic confession:

      I’m really sorry for the stuff that I’m supposed to be sorry for that someone else could attest to in court and is therefore undeniable.

      I’m not sorry at all for what I did behind closed doors with no credible witnesses that could be considered “bad”… as long as Gunner and the Futon Whore don’t talk about it.

      Isn’t Gunner and the Futon Whore a great name for a band?

      Nov 9, 2009 at 11:05 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.5   Critical Grass bang

      Dirty slut bag by Gunner and the Futton Whore feat. K – That’s what she said.

      Big hit in the head!

      Nov 9, 2009 at 1:02 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   me

    whoever submitted this entry probably has 3 “good” friends.

    Nov 8, 2009 at 7:43 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   Canthz_B bang

    K,

    Be realistic. You spent the Summer in Sioux Falls, SD.
    You really think you needed any help having a shitty Summer? 8-O

    Nov 8, 2009 at 7:45 pm   rating: 29  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   anglophile bang

      OOOOh!

      I thought her summer was snitty.

      Nov 8, 2009 at 7:49 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   Canthz_B bang

      Nooo, that was her roommates.

      Nov 8, 2009 at 7:52 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.3   Aliecata

      Goddamn it, you stole my line!

      I grew up there, and believe me, K doesn’t need any help to make a summer in Sioux Falls shitty.

      Nov 8, 2009 at 7:53 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.4   Critical Grass bang

      Yep, and all year long, too.

      Nov 8, 2009 at 7:55 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.5   Kelly

      Dear sirs,

      Please stop these wanton acts of internet defamation.

      Sincerely,
      The Sioux Falls Department of Tourism

      Nov 8, 2009 at 10:10 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.6   Denny Crane bang

      Thanks to Commie Pinko comedians like y’all….

      After 92 years in business the Sioux Falls stockyards has stopped selling cattle…June 25, 2009, was what many in the cattle business call the end of the line.
      sdpb.sd.gov/media/Dakota%20Midday/stock.doc

      Mad Cow!
      Denny Crane!

      Nov 8, 2009 at 10:40 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.7   Alan Shore bang

      But remember, Denny…

      Now that the beef is toast,
      they’re all set up to do a land office business in auctioning snarks…

      I can’t wait for the episode where we go on a real-life snark hunt…

      Nov 8, 2009 at 10:46 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   leftfoot

    Sounds to me like K had a summer of love. Too bad the roommates don’t pull the stick out of their asses and instead insert a penis.

    Nov 8, 2009 at 7:53 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   Canthz_B bang

    If K had been more sensitive, do you think she and Nate would have damaged the futon?
    Or is that just the way K and Nate roll?

    “You almost there, Baby?”

    “No, Nate. I’m not that sensitive. Hit it harder, Baby! Hit it HARDER!!”

    “Oh, shit! We just broke your roommate’s futon…”

    “Who gives a shit? FUCK ME!!!
    Don’t make me have to call Gunner in here…”

    Nov 8, 2009 at 7:58 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   JetJackson

      “Gunner no like devils threesome!”

      Nov 8, 2009 at 9:37 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   Critical Grass bang

    I can’t believe you made me pay
    The whole rent when I’ve already gone away

    Summer, shitty summer
    Summer, shitty summer…

    Nov 8, 2009 at 8:19 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   JetJackson

      CG you have to do a link to an mp3 of you singing one of these songs…

      Nov 8, 2009 at 8:24 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.2   GK bang

      I’m waiting for the Christmas Compilation Album, myself.

      A Very Critical Grass Christmas

      Nov 9, 2009 at 3:26 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.3   Critical Grass bang

      Oh, you wish!
      What’s that? Oh… You don’t.
      Aw… Ok, then. Nevermind. Moving along, people. Nothing to see here.

      Nov 9, 2009 at 12:53 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   Palomon bang

    F**k your futon! You got too much money, Shitty roomate! You got too much money, Slutty Roomate!

    Nov 8, 2009 at 8:23 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   Havingfitz

    It breaks your heart; so many young girls in SD forced into becoming Futon Whores. The ones that don’t become Sofa Sluts, or Laz-E-Boy Lushes. I think more people would be outraged by this, if they actually remembered or cared that SD is a state.

    Nov 8, 2009 at 8:48 pm   rating: 23  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   Canthz_B bang

      A state of what, though? A state of what?
      The world may never know. :-|

      Nov 8, 2009 at 10:06 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   Avi

    Umm . . . Team No One.

    Nov 8, 2009 at 9:06 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   Canthz_B bang

      Team Sioux Fal…–oh, never mind.

      Nov 8, 2009 at 10:09 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   nigedo

    Ah to be a student again. Best years of your life. :)

    Nov 8, 2009 at 9:25 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   Canthz_B bang

    Just goes to show, you should never leave a PA note within reach of an English major with a 1.5 GPA and a set of colored markers at her disposal.

    Nov 8, 2009 at 10:23 pm   rating: 27  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   infant tyrone bang

      Like the PSA sez…a Mind Map is a terrible thing to waste…

      Nov 8, 2009 at 10:52 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   tp

    Both sides seem like pieces of work to me. I side with Sioux Falls – do they have to deal with retards like this invading their town every summer?!

    Nov 8, 2009 at 10:32 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   lcrazyfour

      Every summer and winter. It’s the only two seasons in Sioux Falls.

      Nov 8, 2009 at 10:56 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   Adam

    Didn’t feel like reading all that intro and writing, ill check it out at work.

    This looks like a good one tho.

    Nov 9, 2009 at 1:07 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   Geek Goddess

      Didn’t feel like reading all those comments, maybe I’m ill and will check out at work.

      This looks like a funny one tho.

      Nov 9, 2009 at 1:15 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.2   park rose bang

      It’s the story, of a lovely lady,
      who was living with three (two?) very lovely girls,
      all of them were bright and bold like the other
      the youngest one had g’s with curls!

      It’s the story of the oldest profession
      and k, Nick and Gunner and such
      somehow they fused into a futon family
      and became the futon ho bunch
      It’s the funny ho
      (It’s the funny ho)
      It’s the funny ho
      (It’s the funny ho)
      that’s the way they all became the
      futon ho bunch

      Okay, so sue me…

      Nov 9, 2009 at 1:37 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.3   anglophile bang

      Oh, Adam, you disappoint me. How can you truly become a PANista unless you either check PAN the last thing before going to bed or get up early in order to read it?

      If we don’t see some improvement in your attitude, I’m afraid we’re going to have to let you go and get someone else in here to do the sympathetic-to-the-note-writer comments.

      By the way, I beat you to it on this note, up at #3.

      Nov 9, 2009 at 6:10 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.4   Canthz_B bang

      THE SYLLABLES!! THE SYLLABLES!!

      *brain explodes*

      Sorry, rose, but I’m filing suit…nothing personal, you know I ♥ you! :-)

      Nov 9, 2009 at 6:44 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.5   park rose bang

      I’ve got permanent edit ;)

      Nov 9, 2009 at 6:57 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.6   Canthz_B bang

      You little minx! ;-)

      Nov 9, 2009 at 7:15 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.7   Critical Grass bang

      Adam! My man!
      Always a pleasure to see you here.
      Ok, so you’ll check it out at work?!
      That’s ill, dude!

      Nov 9, 2009 at 2:13 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   Geek Goddess

    ARRRGHHHHH!!!!!

    (gigglebrax fail)

    Nov 9, 2009 at 1:14 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   park rose bang

    I think it’s a top secret document drawn up by men who don’t mind standing fourteen hours a day in retaliation for hinted at, but unspecified, atroecious acts. I think they are planning an incursion, somewhere, which is of course, benevolently named, such as Operation Rainbow, or Operation let my Molten Lead Rain Down Gently on Your Head (You Know it’s Good for You). This is obvious, as Gunner is involved. The right to name the operation was won by means of a pillow fight.

    Operation Futon Whore, or Futon War was decided upon. The man with the highlighter isn’t too hot at spelling, but his phonetics aren’t too bad (not great, mind you). He thought it sounded catchy:

    Operation Futon W(h)ore: We’ll stuff you up real good or knock the stuffing right out of you.

    Nick is responsible for the dirty slug bag, and the girls come with the bed roll.

    Nov 9, 2009 at 2:04 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   Joe 2

    RUN K., RUN!
    The Heathers are after you!

    “If children are our future, we’re in deep shit!”

    Nov 9, 2009 at 8:44 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   Alicia

    K. had sex with Nate on the futon, which undoubtedly belongs to the roommates. Probably left love stains all over it and grossed them out. Gunner is the dog.

    Nov 9, 2009 at 12:05 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   MM

    I think you are all thinking WAY to hard about the edits. I don’t doodle, I edit stuff. And I never thought as deep about it as you guys are.

    Nov 9, 2009 at 12:32 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   park rose

      To edit another’s work generally means making suggestions which improve the overall style and coherency of the original submission.

      Nov 9, 2009 at 6:16 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   aaa bang

    Fifty bucks that S and the angry roommate sent the link to this post to K.

    Nov 9, 2009 at 2:49 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   jinx

      It’s really 50/50 imo. They seem like the type who’d want her to see this because they think it’s so smart and funny, but they also seem like the type who sit on their high horses to her face and then do stuff like this behind her back. I get the feeling she’d probably find out through a friend of a friend or an “anonymous” email.

      Nov 9, 2009 at 4:22 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.2   aaa bang

      True, true.

      Nov 10, 2009 at 12:48 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   jinx

    The funniest thing about this note is it makes the remaining roomies look like HUGE douches. I love when people post PANs trying to making the PAN writer look bad and it ends doing the opposite. lol I love how someone wrote naughty language and one of the roomies called her a whore. I guess whore isn’t naughty? lol Team PAN writer.

    Nov 9, 2009 at 4:18 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   Cookie Monster

    Hmmmmm I read this sooooo differently than everyone else.

    I think the note-writer K is a bit of a loser. She did fucky times with Nate, got kicked out and wrote a shitty whiney apology letter. I bet she owes the rent too, contractually speaking.

    The roomies got the note, edited it and basically made fun of her and posted it at their digs so THEIR friends could see the note and laugh at K. Doesn’t matter if K sees it, their friends will and laugh at K being called a dirty slut whore and being chastised (naughty, naughty).

    I think the roomies are the smart ones here (in an acidic sort of way). I probably would have made the same comments!

    Team Roomies here. I think K is a whiner. And the roomies just made fun of her note!

    Nov 9, 2009 at 8:40 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   KC Sunshine Band

    This is so funny I forgot to post.

    Nov 9, 2009 at 8:52 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   Nikki

    All of these comments are seriously making me giggle. “Futon whore” will now be added to my repertoire of insults.

    I like the note writer. :) But I have to give some props to the bitches who came up with “futon whore”. Silly bitches. Silly, funny bitches.

    Nov 9, 2009 at 9:30 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   park rose

      I don’t think it was intentional, though I could be wrong. I think the editor forgot a comma. Maybe silly, unintentionally funny bitches?

      Nov 9, 2009 at 10:57 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.2   PandorazBox80 bang

      That’s what I was thinking, too. “How about the futon, whore?” Though “futon whore” really is a great new insult. My new goal in life is to call at least one person per day a futon whore. But only in my mind, and highlighted in pink and yellow, of course.

      Nov 15, 2009 at 10:45 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #28   zebra

    If they signed a lease then legally she has to replace herself (find another roommate) or pay rent. The only exception is if they agreed otherwise.

    So yes, she DOES have to pay rent. That’s the point of a signed contract.

    Nov 11, 2009 at 11:44 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #28.1   pony girl

      Assuming there is a contract.

      Nov 11, 2009 at 11:58 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     

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