FUBAR booth

November 10th, 2009 · 84 comments

Our submitter in Denver says his buddy snapped a photo of this notice while she was getting her new military ID. Adds our submitter: “I’ve had success getting a picture retaken at the DMV, but bad photos at the military ID office are usually considered a ‘personal problem.’”

NOTICE TO CUSTOMERS!!!!  THIS CAMERA WAS SPECIALLY MADE NOT TO TAKE UGLY PICTURES. ALL I CAN SUGGEST IF YOU HAVE A COMPLAINT ABOUT YOUR PHOTOGRAPH IS THAT YOU BRING IN A BETTER FACE FOR YOUR PICTURE.

Happy Veterans Day, folks!

related: no washing your ass in the sink

FILED UNDER: "customer service" · and that's an order · CAPS LOCK · exclamation-point happy!!!! · military


84 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Kris bang

    They’d make a killing selling those special cameras at Walmart.

    Nov 10, 2009 at 11:44 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   kdaniel

      Or they could just start selling better faces. I’d buy 10!

      Nov 11, 2009 at 2:56 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   spottedbuddy

      #1 Kris: Yeah, but I sure wouldn’t want to work the refund counter.

      Nov 11, 2009 at 11:56 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   crumplet

    Mannn i want a camera like this! “Specially made not to take ugly pictures”

    Nov 10, 2009 at 11:45 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   tp

    “If you’re ugly, don’t blame us.”

    Nov 10, 2009 at 11:50 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #4   Canthz_B bang

    That’s our high tech military at work.
    To think! They have cameras that can sense ugly and automatically go into hibernate mode.

    Nov 10, 2009 at 11:50 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   watchtower

      Think of the applications. With a camera like this, it could serve as a wingman for late night pub excursions. If the camera doesn’t work, then don’t take that person home.
      This could be the death of coyote ugly as we know it…

      Nov 11, 2009 at 2:42 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   Canthz_B bang

      I dunno, I’ve gotten some good stuff after last call…
      Never judge a book by it’s cover, I drunkenly always say!

      Nov 11, 2009 at 3:14 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.3   Canthz_B bang

      If things are still the way they were in my salad days, everyone, both male and female, is a little desperate after last call.

      That is, except the people who spent the whole night saying “Ew”.
      They go home to their cats and their vibrator…again. :-P

      Nov 12, 2009 at 12:19 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   Annie

    I have a pen pal in the military who’s currently stationed in the denver area, and he works in a sort of HR office there. And this is EXACTLY his sense of humor & writing style….. i’ll have to find out if this was his doing.

    Nov 10, 2009 at 11:59 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   GK bang

      Tell him I said his line spacing skills suck.

      Nov 11, 2009 at 3:23 am   rating: 31  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   Chanda

    My grandad uses that same saying around the holiday’s “If you want a better picture.Bring a better face” lol Gotta love it.

    Nov 11, 2009 at 12:01 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   debkatz

    Does it take pictures of middle fingers…like THIS

    Nov 11, 2009 at 12:02 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   Canthz_B bang

    The camera never lies, but the photographer has been known to tell some whoppers!

    Nov 11, 2009 at 12:14 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   Canthz_B bang

    SNAFU: Show No Anger, Face Unattractive

    Nov 11, 2009 at 12:45 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   Lenny!

    Damn, I left my better face at the cleaners, now what am I suppose to do?

    Nov 11, 2009 at 12:50 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   Canthz_B bang

      That’s what you get for being two-faced! :-D

      Nov 11, 2009 at 12:58 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.2   watchtower

      Turn the other cheek I guess.
      Not that one, the other one.
      Now I’ve gone and confused myself.

      Nov 11, 2009 at 2:48 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.3   Canthz_B bang

      You’re confused?!

      Come and Janus, we’re all confused at this point!!

      Nov 11, 2009 at 3:18 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.4   GK bang

      I’ll turn the other cheeks alright… Take a photo of this!

      Nov 11, 2009 at 3:31 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.5   Canthz_B bang

      Another moonlit night in PAN! :-)

      Nov 11, 2009 at 3:58 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.6   GK bang

      I think you’ll find the sun is shining forth, Canthz_B!

      Nov 11, 2009 at 4:01 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.7   Canthz_B bang

      Doubly, if I remain in this fifth, GK! *hic*

      Still dark here, but the Sun never sets on some realms. ;-)

      Nov 11, 2009 at 4:07 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.8   GK bang

      Fifth? I’ll put you in the Forth! The firth, that is.

      Nov 11, 2009 at 5:33 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.9   Canthz_B bang

      At least there are women in the firth, sure beats exile to the Isle of Man.

      Nov 11, 2009 at 7:11 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.10   pony girl

      Um, y’all can exile me to Colin Firth whenever you want.

      Nov 11, 2009 at 10:05 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   Canthz_B bang

    FUBAR: Facial Ungodliness Breeds Adversarial Rejoinders

    Nov 11, 2009 at 12:57 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   aaa bang

    Now I’m thinking it’s some sort of magical Twilight Zone camera that specifically takes a picture of your soul or some shit. Yeah…

    Nov 11, 2009 at 1:19 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   katethom

    the camera at my old work had a sign ‘this camera is digital… not magical’
    obviously people are never happy with their ID pictures

    Nov 11, 2009 at 1:19 am   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   Canthz_B bang

      Glaring pet peeve to be left alone…this time. ;-)

      Nov 11, 2009 at 3:22 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.2   Melanie

      heyithoughthekeyboardmagicallyinsertedcapitalsspacesandpunctuationonitsownamiwrong

      Nov 11, 2009 at 2:39 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.3   Boo..

      whores.

      Nov 11, 2009 at 2:46 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.4   Canthz_B bang

      Nice try, Melanie, different pet peeve though.

      I can’t hold it any longer.

      “…at my old work…”?

      At your old job (or workplace),
      where you used to work,
      in your previous position,
      at your former place of employment.

      Nov 11, 2009 at 8:46 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.5   GK bang

      Totally, Canthz_B. At my old work we had a guy who got that messed up all the time!

      Nov 12, 2009 at 3:28 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   Silence

    To be fair, though…I’ve never ever ever seen someone look good in a military photo. It’s like like you give up your good looks right alongside giving up long hair.

    Nov 11, 2009 at 1:42 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Canthz_B bang

      It’s hard to look good while your mind is screaming: “JOIN THE SERVICE?!?! WTF WAS I THINKING?!?!?!”

      Raise your right hand and repeat after me…I, (insert your name), do solemnly swear…

      FUCK!!!!!!!!!!! :???:

      Nov 11, 2009 at 3:25 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   GhostWriter bang

      I beg to differ- G. I. Jane was totally hot, even with her Brazillian crewcut.

      Nov 11, 2009 at 3:00 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   pony girl

    Uncle Sam Wants You!!

    (to feel badly about yourself)

    Nov 11, 2009 at 2:18 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   Critical Grass bang

    NOTICE TO THE PHOTOGRAPHER!!!

    Nice try…

    Now, just do a better job and take some good pictures.

    Nov 11, 2009 at 6:08 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   Makya

    A picture’s worth a thousand words, or, in this case – 36.

    Nov 11, 2009 at 6:24 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   Canthz_B bang

      If a picture’s worth a thousand words then term papers for photography class must be…………………..
      .
      .
      .
      .
      .
      .
      .
      .
      A SNAP!!!

      Nov 11, 2009 at 7:16 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.2   Meesh

      CB, I see that you’ve developed a fondness for puns. I appreciate your focus, and this site really lens itself to wordplay.

      Nov 11, 2009 at 8:08 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.3   infant tyrone bang

      Aye and seemingly inexorable wordplay at that…
      A dozen before 0800 hours.
      50% more than I put up before being ceremoniously
      swatted by the left hand of a great ape.
      Watch yer six and mind the Empire State riffs…
      Keep a clean nose. Watch the plain clothes, etc…

      I might be Link Wray, but guess I’m not Fay….

      Nov 11, 2009 at 10:38 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.4   oi bang

      AAHHH PUN!
      run run run

      Nov 11, 2009 at 11:16 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.5   pony girl

      Ah, but did you look under apes and apes toes?
      That’s what I want to knows.

      ps-please don’t forget to sign that requisition form before you leave.

      Nov 11, 2009 at 12:03 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   adam

    Hahaha, this one is hilarious. With ID pictures in general you have to take a bad picture and just live with it. That is just the way it is.

    I just got my passport. The guy at the post office took the picture. When I got it back I was shocked by the evil and not smooth looking guy I must have looked like that day.

    But I will wear it as a badge of honor.

    Nov 11, 2009 at 7:28 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   Critical Grass bang

      What are you waiting, Adam?
      Scan that passport page right away and show us the picture!

      No, really. I’m serious.

      Nov 11, 2009 at 7:52 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.2   park rose bang

      Come now, adam, don’t delude yourself – we know what your maniacal laughter is all about, and we can see through your gentle, self-deprecating humour. The camera steals, or maybe reflects, your soul after all. Ted Bundy was a smooth looking guy, too. But probably not in his passport photos. Speaking of which, your photo is your only trophy? Why do you need a passport anyway? Where are you planning to flee to go, and why? There are a few missing people (and their artwork) that the gumshoes (they’re noir) would like to have a cosy little chat with you about.

      Nov 11, 2009 at 8:12 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.3   park rose bang

      Plus, everyone’s a terrorist, adam, you know how it is. The post office guy is just doing his job to make sure that your time spent going through customs is as agonizingly long, drawn-out, scrutinized and tedious as it possibly can be. Equal opportunity harassment. That’s what it’s all about.

      Nov 11, 2009 at 8:34 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.4   adam

      Fleeing to Amsterdam, Dec. 1st! You guys don’t want to see the pic. Funny you mentioned Ted Bundy, I got the beard in full force in the pic.

      Nov 11, 2009 at 12:01 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.5   Geek Goddess

      Of course you have to look bad in passport pictures. When you arrive at customs, you have been cooped up in a tiny space with way too many strangers, for far too long, and are jet-lagged as well. At that point, the horrible passport photo is a perfect match. If the picture looked good, they would never let you in.

      Nov 11, 2009 at 2:48 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   Critical Grass bang

    Everyone should have the right to photoshop ID pictures. In fact, I believe the photographers should always carry a laptop with them in order to improve the pictures taken and enhance the natural beauty of their costumers whenerver asked to.

    Nov 11, 2009 at 7:41 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   Meesh

    What would it take, like, five seconds to snap a second picture to ensure that one looks good? Oh well, that’s the government for you. All about following arbitrary rules regardless of the outcome.

    Nov 11, 2009 at 7:49 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   GK bang

      Gee, I guess they must have been unable to figure out any possible legitimate use for an ID photograph where “looks good” is a major concern. I can’t either, to be honest.

      Nov 11, 2009 at 8:34 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.2   park rose bang

      “Looks like serial killer” is a requirement, however. Especially for driver’s licenses.

      Nov 11, 2009 at 8:38 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.3   farcical aquatic ceremony

      I agree–we’re talking the digital era, people. How hard would it be to say: “I’ll take 3 shots, counting off to give you time to re-pose for each, and you choose the best of the 3 (no do-overs)”, and then do it?

      If these are the ‘official’ photos kept on record for our fighting men and women, they’re the ones that parents and other loved ones cherish when these servicemen and women are far away, possibly in harm’s way, and are the photos that–sadly–come into use for memorial purposes. Sure, some people will never be pleased with how the camera captures them (thus my proposed 3 pics, no exceptions rule) but just being an a**hole to everyone who comes in to a customer service setting isn’t the answer.

      Nov 11, 2009 at 8:44 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.4   GK bang

      Unless “military ID” means something different in your part of the world, I’m guessing the person will have it with them, and their family will be moping over a different photograph taken by a professional photographer (or Uncle Lenny, depending).

      I got a chuckle out of the concept of “military customer service setting” though, so a thumb for that!

      Would you like fries with that Claymore?

      Nov 11, 2009 at 8:49 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.5   farcical aquatic ceremony

      Although I don’t find your making light of soldiers’ deaths funny (and on Veterans’ Day, no less), I concede the point that “military ID” probably just means a name tag for gaining access to various facilities on base.

      No need for condescending to give me a ‘thumb’; your brilliant wit–untempered by any sense of when one should hold back on the sarcasm–is all I ask for.

      Nov 11, 2009 at 12:44 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.6   snow

      “(and on Veterans’ Day, no less)”
      I am never going to understand this logic.
      If something is wrong than how come it becomes wrong-er on the certain day of the year?
      or
      how come is something prohibited on certain days is ok to do for the rest of the time?
      like ooh you can’t eat meat during Lent. but yeah feel free to devour dead animals during the rest of the time.
      if it’s wrong it’s wrong no matter what time of the year is.
      If it’s right/ethical/legitimate, it’s right rest of the year too.

      Nov 11, 2009 at 1:47 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.7   Palomon bang

      20.3 – .5 – Most service members have professionally done portraits that sit on mantles or are carried in wallets, usually in dress uniforms, picked from several proofs, just like wedding or graduation pictures.
      Most times the pictures of the fallen you see in newspapers or TV are these portraits.
      Often when you see a picture of someone in utilities, they are candid pictures, the kind you’d find in scrap books, taken by platoon mates and the like.
      The snap shot for the ID is only that, an ID photo, taken quickly and administratively as a DMV picture and rarely, if ever, used for memorial services or as family keepsakes.

      Nov 11, 2009 at 3:43 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.8   infant tyrone bang

      @Snow

      Meat is eschewed (sue me) during Lent as a symbolic gesture of sacrifice, not because of some on-again off-again religious dietary toggle that says it is OK to eat it sometimes and not OK to eat it other times.

      I suspect that if you delved deeper into the Catholic “regs”, there would be an exception to the effect that if you were in a position of being able to eat meat or else starve, with no other food available, then you’d be OK to eat meat during Lent. Similar to a Muslim starving and encountering a pig with no other food on the horizon; they are encouraged to avoid it at all costs…except the cost of their life in exceptional conditions.

      As to why it is more wrong to make fun of fallen soldiers on Veterans Day*…well, if you really don’t appreciate the added insult (or at least lack of courtesy) involved of doing *that* *then*, then maybe some other folks here could clue you in, but I’m at a serious loss…

      * I’m not sure GK was making light of soldiers’ deaths…maybe “moping” is meant to convey what “FAC” and others would use “grieving” for.

      Nov 11, 2009 at 10:53 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.9   Canthz_B bang

      Maybe because when we set aside a date to “honor” a person or group of people, to in some way say “Thanks. We appreciate the fact that you acted in the service of your country.”, that’s kind of what we try to do on that day. Not remind them of fallen comrades-in-arms who gave the last full measure.

      BTW, Veterans Day is a day to honor America’s veterans for their patriotism, love of country, and willingness to serve and sacrifice for the common good.
      Other countries commemorate Armed Services Day or Remembrance Day.

      We honor those who lost their lives in service to their country on Memorial Day.
      Maybe a little gallows humor then?

      @ snow, I would make it easier for you to understand, but you’ve already admitted your limitations, so why bother?

      Nov 12, 2009 at 12:45 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.10   GK bang

      To forestall any complaints (“Too late!”), I wasn’t setting out to offend anyone with that remark. Where I live, humour is part of life. We don’t paste our dour faces on just because we’re being serious and/or respectful about something. And if you think I disrespect the military, then… well, I suppose there’s no reason for me to think anyone here knows me at all, but suffice to say you’re way off-base.

      Heck, I still don’t even see what you found offensive out of it (apart from using military humour at all on 11th Nov), but I will take you at your word that there was something, and apologise.

      Now let’s get back to the funny, please! These f’ing delicious jokes aren’t going to run themselves into the ground!

      Nov 12, 2009 at 3:00 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.11   Canthz_B bang

      GK, I am sure you meant no insult or offense to anyone.
      And I DO mean that.

      Please consider that, with so many servicemen and women deployed in war zones, their are tens…hundreds of thousands of us that hope each day that the service person(s) in our family is not killed by a suicide bomber with a claymore strapped to his belly as they try to enjoy an order of fries.

      Nov 15, 2009 at 9:39 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #21   Woman on the Verge bang

    Shit. I wore my ugly face today… If I had known I was going to have my picture taken, I’d have gone for my game face or my incredibly attractive face or (just for fun) my I-had-ten-drinks-too-many-and-this-is-my-DUI-mug-shot face.

    Nov 11, 2009 at 8:27 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   pony girl bang

      I remember some comedian saying that we should get really toasted when we take our driver’s license picture, so if we get pulled over drunk, it’ll just look as if that’s what we normally look like.

      Nov 11, 2009 at 8:36 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.2   Woman on the Verge bang

      Too bad they didn’t have this camera when Gary Busey got his mug shot taken!

      Nov 11, 2009 at 8:47 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.3   Critical Grass bang

      Or, you know, you should just have worn your Po-po-po-po-po-po-poker-face.

      Nov 11, 2009 at 8:49 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.4   SarahMcDee

      CG. You are so voted off this island.

      Nov 11, 2009 at 12:40 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.5   Critical Grass bang

      Sorry, I couldn’t resist.
      Everytime I listen to that song I think that God has forgotten all about me.
      And now it’s stuck in my head… :(

      Nov 11, 2009 at 4:45 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   Woman on the Verge bang

    Do you mean….

    Like this?

    Okay, I totally gigglebraxed this. Heisa was fighting me the whole way…

    Shit. Do I really have to wear that unitard? It’s a little gamey.

    Nov 11, 2009 at 9:10 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   pony girl

      That was brilliant!

      Nov 11, 2009 at 9:36 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.2   Palomon bang

      Thumbs up for that link.

      Nov 11, 2009 at 12:28 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.3   Critical Grass bang

      Fantastic!

      Nov 11, 2009 at 4:50 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   thrall38

    I do like the “customer” part… Like you have a choice. And the photographer knows how not to split an infinitive! Huzzah!

    Nov 11, 2009 at 9:25 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #24   Natballs

    hahahahahah. that’s a good one!

    Nov 11, 2009 at 9:32 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   farcical aquatic ceremony

    can’t believe I’m the first to remark on the Buffalo Bill (“Silence of the Lambs”) or “Face Off” connotations of the “bring in a better face” directive…sadly, I have census tracts on the brain and cannot think of anything very amusing; I’ll leave it to the crowd
    :)

    Nov 11, 2009 at 9:59 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   MAMARILLA2 bang

      No more drugs for that fac…

      Nov 15, 2009 at 9:56 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #26   laurie bang

    Be all that you can be! Get plastic surgery!

    There’s a limerick in there somewhere.

    Nov 11, 2009 at 10:24 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   Palomon bang

    The oath is to “Uphold and defend the Constitution…against all enemies…” Nothin’ in there about making you look pretty.
    Young soldiers (and sailors, Marines and airmen) almost universally share this sense of humor. Often shared on port-a-potty walls, the print-out is similarily written in haste.
    Two of the best I’ve ever seen:

    “Sgt. X does not suck that much dick.”

    And, in Taqqadum, Iraq, a big inbound/outbound processing air base, I saw this in ’04, before the mission started to really turn around:

    “IRAQ: it’s Arabic for Vietnam!”

    Nov 11, 2009 at 1:32 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   anglophile bang

      Oh, it’s turned around, then? That’s good to know. ‘Cause when you squint at it, it still looks a lot like Vietnam.

      Nov 11, 2009 at 1:44 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.2   Palomon bang

      You may be right. And that sergeant maybe does suck that much dick.

      Nov 11, 2009 at 3:29 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #28   Beth

    It’s not the glamour mags with stick-thin models that have convinced me never to leave the house with my hair undone and no makeup on – it’s ID photos and mugshots on TV!

    Umm… *other people’s* mugshots.

    Nov 11, 2009 at 2:52 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #29   Seanette bang

    I firmly believe that when someone is interviewed for a job at the DMV, one of the questions is “can you take a decent picture?” If the answer is yes, the candidate is disqualified. Apparently, military ID photographers are selected by similar criteria.

    Nov 11, 2009 at 6:46 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     

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