Your girlfriend is frightening the kittens

November 23rd, 2009 · 113 comments

P.J. in Huntington, New York says his girlfriend found this note on the stairs “the morning after she came over dressed like a school girl.”

Meanwhile, P.J. leaves several questions unanswered in his explanation, among them…So, why did your your girlfriend come over to Mom’s house dressed like Britney circa 1998? How old is this girlfriend, relative to the age of a) an actual school girl and b) yourself? Is your mother, in fact, a cat?

I'm not happy about Lauren walking into my house dressed like something out of a bad porn movie. It was embarrassing to me. Love, Mom

Moral of the story: When dressing to impress, show your respect for Mom’s taste by dressing like something out a good porn movie. (I mean, Lauren, really, sexy school girl? So trite!)

related: (you know the book)

FILED UNDER: actually totally reasonable · Moms & Dads · Mother-son notes · nice stationery · sex sex sex · signed with love


113 responses so far ↓

  • #1   comment

    I don’t blame her. Must be embarrassing to tell her bingo buddies her son isn’t marrying a scientist, or a really awesome home maker but is screwing gutter trash instead.

    Kids are a real fucking let down.

    Nov 23, 2009 at 10:35 am   rating: 79  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   PJ

      Mom,

      Im not happy about uncle Steve walking into my house and up the stairs to your room with fishnet stalkings and cut-off assless chaps like something out of The Rock Horror Picture Show.

      It was my birthday, and I was seven.

      Nov 23, 2009 at 12:04 pm   rating: 79  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   Mo®

      That gaped mouth, crazy gutter snipe is the best piece of ass ever….well after your Mom!

      BAM! :grin:

      I keeeed.

      Nov 23, 2009 at 12:45 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Lord knows, mom doesn’t need the extra competion…

      Nov 23, 2009 at 4:40 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.4   park rose bang

      My house?
      7?
      Are you Macaulay Culkin?
      Are you really PJ?
      Are you responsible for the capital letters?
      If the fishnets were stalking then maybe your mom had no choice. Those assless kind of chaps are always causing a ruckus. Bounders and cads, one and all! No wonder y’all got into cosplay .

      Nov 23, 2009 at 6:59 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.5   Mike

      Mom,

      How do you know how people dress in bad porn movies?

      PJ

      Nov 25, 2009 at 2:28 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   Shannon

    I think we really need to know how old this guy is first of all. Depending on his age this could be really cool or really creepy.

    Nov 23, 2009 at 10:41 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Me

      Doesn’t matter. Even if he’s older (and i have some sympathy for the recently unemployed who’ve had to move back home for a while,) It’s not cool.

      Nov 23, 2009 at 5:04 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   pony girl

      Seems like a no-brainer to me.
      Sex outfits are private.
      I shudder to think what will happen if I die before my parents and they come to clean out my house.

      Dec 4, 2009 at 1:22 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.3   pony girl bang

      I vote that his mom start traipsing around the house in her role-playing outfits.

      She might get her house back.

      Dec 4, 2009 at 4:39 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   Evan

    Yeah…

    We’re going to need pictures.

    Nov 23, 2009 at 10:44 am   rating: 40  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Mo®

      A whole series of pictures… Large format…8×10 color glossies with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one.

      Nov 23, 2009 at 12:46 pm   rating: 33  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   damon8r

      An “Alice’s Restaurant” reference. I’m impressed. LOL

      Nov 23, 2009 at 1:54 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.3   pony girl bang

      That’s what was missing this past Thanksgiving.
      I didn’t hear ‘Alice’s Restaurant’ on the radio.

      Dec 4, 2009 at 4:37 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   HappyNat

    Mom is just mad because she her fat ass can’t fit in her plaid mini skirt anymore.

    Nov 23, 2009 at 10:47 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

     
  • #5   lcrazyfour bang

    Mom,
    I’m a little fuzzy on the “good porn”/”bad porn” thing. Any pointers?
    Love, PJ

    Nov 23, 2009 at 10:49 am   rating: 62  small thumbs up

     
  • #6   ClearlyDemented

    Dear Mom,

    Hey, I wasn’t too thrilled with you and dad quitting your jobs to start an online peep show, but I dealt with it.

    P.J.

    P.S. She modeled that outfit after your June 12, 2006 performance; we watched it together the other night. She didn’t mean to embarrass you, just thought of it as an homage.

    Nov 23, 2009 at 10:51 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   sadi

    Dear Mom,

    I guess Lauren needs a sound spanking. I’ll get right on that.

    Love,
    PJ

    Nov 23, 2009 at 10:51 am   rating: 125  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   adam

    Time to move out.

    Nov 23, 2009 at 10:55 am   rating: 43  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   Gavin

    Yowwie! That’s embarassing, maybe Lauren can come with a male friend for Mom next time, fireman anyone?

    Nov 23, 2009 at 10:56 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   Critical Grass bang

    PJ,

    Women who dress up as school girls aren’t marriage material. You should look for the ones into Hardcore SM. Those make good wives.

    If you don’t believe me, just go and ask your father.
    He knows. *nudge nudge, wink wink*

    Love,
    Mom

    Nov 23, 2009 at 10:57 am   rating: 22  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   Mamie

    When it comes to good porn, moms know best!

    Nov 23, 2009 at 10:58 am   rating: 26  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Mo®

      Choosy mother’s chose Vivid!

      Nov 23, 2009 at 12:50 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   infant tyrone bang

      Vivid ! The hard-working detergent* !

      Gets out those nasty sheet stains that others leave in.

      It has zero tolerance for those wicked stains caused by your over-hormonal boy’s overindulgence in digital sin.

      No more third degree from visiting neighbors.

      Vivid will provide your family with the finest in new bedroom sensations.

      Come up to the Vivid level ! You’ll love the new point of view !
      .
      .
      *Coming soon (No, really, coming)…new Vivid mouthwash !

      Nov 23, 2009 at 6:01 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   Platypus

    Can’t help but wonder how mom knows what bad porn looks like.

    Nov 23, 2009 at 10:58 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   jersey girl

    eww, does that mean Mom watches porn?

    Nov 23, 2009 at 11:18 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   Geek Goddess

      Many people who watch porn end up as Moms

      Nov 23, 2009 at 11:46 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.2   Emma

      after all, porno is effectively an instructional video on how to make babies

      Dec 2, 2009 at 4:59 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.3   Nom Chompsky

      Not the way they do it in the porn *I* watch.

      Dec 5, 2009 at 1:39 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   Act

    Team Mom.

    Also: Why are you fooling around with your skanky girlfriend with your parents right there? If you’re into that kind of thing, I guess…

    …not that there’s anything wrong with that?

    Nov 23, 2009 at 11:46 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Lara

      Maybe this was a Halloween costume?

      Nov 23, 2009 at 12:43 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   KC_Sunshine_Man

      Act,

      Why are you fooling around with your skanky mom with your girlfriend right there? If you’re into that kind of thing.

      Not that there is anything wrong w/ that….

      Nov 24, 2009 at 9:01 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   Meesh

    It was embarassing for YOU? Lauren is the one who’s having sex with a guy who still lives with his mother.

    Nov 23, 2009 at 11:46 am   rating: 135  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   NYA

    what happened to a trench coat to cover up your sexy costume?? yikes!

    Nov 23, 2009 at 11:52 am   rating: 24  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   Critical Grass bang

      Or atrench coat to cover up the nakedness only. What happened with that? Good times…

      Nov 23, 2009 at 1:17 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.2   Mo®

      Coco or Burberry, darling? ♥

      Nov 23, 2009 at 3:00 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.3   Critical Grass bang

      Burberry, of course.

      Nov 23, 2009 at 3:34 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.4   biteme

      Critical grass…ahh I remember doing that for my first fiance : ) It WAS a good time!!!!!

      Nov 24, 2009 at 11:18 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   infant tyrone bang

    The stern note from Mother trashing his latest dream date leaves our pajama boy with a couple of options:

    1) Take Adam’s advice @ #8 (U-Haul it, away from those paws)*

    2) Get one box each of Franzia wine (Mom likes red) and Cheez-its (Mom’s favorite), rent the ‘Oedipal Outtakes from Desperate Housewives’ DVD, and schedule the necessary make-outup session with Mom.

    Something tells me Mom’s never gonna think anyone else is good enough for her boy.

    * Adam,
    If my using your adroitly succinct line (even though fully credited) is a problem for you, feel free to tack on a note below. I know I can use a role model (or two) for succinctness, but if it bothers you, don’t be shy, OK ?
    I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes or turf (anytime soon).

    Nov 23, 2009 at 12:12 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   Muhammad

    Man this lady needs to shut up. I would love to have my gf show up dressed as a school girl…hell I would love to have a gf in the first place.

    Nov 23, 2009 at 12:42 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   park rose bang

      Not cool to tell your mum to shut up.
      rose, in all sincerity, yet again. Missing irony in a big way, yet again.

      Nov 23, 2009 at 7:09 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   PeaceLoveFood

    Why was Lauren at Mom’s house the morning after she came in dressed like a bad porn star? P.J. is a pathetic mooch who needs to find his own love pad.

    Team Mom.

    Nov 23, 2009 at 12:54 pm   rating: 26  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   Maas

      Clearly PJ is pimping his girl to his mother, but she wants a classier whore, after all, she has standards.

      Nov 23, 2009 at 11:19 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #20   GhostWriter bang

    Lauren actually dressed up as Lady GaGa for Halloween this year.

    Nov 23, 2009 at 12:58 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   GhostWriter bang

    Is there really such a thing as bad porn?

    Nov 23, 2009 at 1:02 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   aaa bang

      Yes, yes there is. :c

      Nov 23, 2009 at 1:11 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.2   PJ

      Yeah, google “2 girls one cup”.

      You asked..

      Nov 23, 2009 at 1:40 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.3   Geek Goddess

      Thanks, PJ, now it’s not just the kittens that are frightened.

      Nov 23, 2009 at 2:14 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.4   Critical Grass bang

      I know this is getting old, but I just have to say: MY EYES! MY EYES!

      Damn you, PJ.

      Nov 23, 2009 at 4:05 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.5   infant tyrone bang

      CG,

      Please avoid the double feature of Salo and Pink Flamingos.

      I think PG and JoeBob will join me in saying, “Don’t check it out.”

      Me and GG and the gang need you healthy because we don’t know anyone in Medellin, but we’d warn you regardless ’cause we’re just nice like that.

      Nov 23, 2009 at 6:50 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.6   Critical Grass bang

      Thank you, Ty. I will not check it out.
      I’m healthy as a horse (hey PG!), thanks for the concern, and our trip to Caracas is ON!

      Are we still going to Medellín?

      Nov 23, 2009 at 6:58 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.7   infant tyrone bang

      CG: [that colon, it's just because it's a business letter]

      As long as we can find some reasonably affordable pirates to act as our bodyguards (and whatever else *y’all* might negotiate with them…Mrs. T has her eye on some expensive bubble bath, so the pirates are really all yours, and maybe GG’s, after-hours-wise), hell yes, we’re ON.

      But remember, first we need to get that 3-sided paper scam-o-rama company up and running and raking in la lechuga.

      You may or may not agree, but I think a eye-catching and interest-holding product name will be of the utmost importance.

      Toward that end, I suggest “Triple XXX Paper”.

      Memorable, irresistible to the male investor demographic, and we can probably buy our way up to the top of the XXX Google searches cheaply.

      Brgds,
      ty

      cc: GG

      P.S. I’ve found this new Japanese film industry prodigy that I’m sure we can get to do the TV spots when we get it up [sic] to that stage. {cf #29}

      P.P.S. I’m not tied to that name…feel free to brainstorm it around.

      Nov 23, 2009 at 8:56 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.8   Critical Grass bang

      Ty, when I first read the name “Triple XXX Paper” I thought it was something developed by The Department of Redundancy Department. But now I get it… Say no more, say no more. *nudge nudge, wink wink*
      So, here’s my suggestion: “T(h)ree Way Paper”. It’s also not carved in stone (or wood, for that matter).

      About the pirates, I’m not really into them… So GG can have them all. Not really sure if it’s a good idea to have them as bodyguards, though. They’re kinda famous for hijacking ships and killing people.

      That’s all,
      CG

      Nov 23, 2009 at 9:03 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.9   infant tyrone bang

      CG,

      It was something that came to me Swift-ly, sort of “An Immodest Proposal”, but without all the gruesome Irish “cuisine” attendant thereto.

      Even if we all agree on the name, there are still advertising slogans to generate, so feel encouraged to throw some ideas into the ring.

      GG’s been in contact communication, but Phizzer has been “off the radar”.
      I sure hope he’s not boiling mad about the potential risk he could become embroiled in, and after he stews about it, I hope he joins in.

      Brgds,
      ty

      cc:GG

      Nov 23, 2009 at 10:04 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.10   infant tyrone bang

      CG,

      Sorry, but as I was reading # 21.8, my scrolling mouse hit a thin layer of cheesy diamond cream and did The Stroll instead of The Scroll and I missed your “T(h)ree Way Paper” idea.

      Perfect context-linkage with the XXX product name, plus it ties into the whole “Going Green” environmental thing. If we can bamboozle people into believing that our paper uses only the same amount of resources as 2-way paper, then we can claim to reduce tree usage by 1/3.

      See, if it takes 30 resource units to make 60 sides of regular paper, then we say that our product will only use 20 units. (30 x 2 = 20 x 3).
      Mayhaps El Phizzero is working on the technical aspects of this…

      Maybe use different names with different marks potential investors ?
      Say we’re unsure which name to pick, but say the more they invest, the more say they have in choosing the name.

      The whole Money = Speech angle. Trust me, it may not play worth rice and beans outside the U.S., but those Republicans will eat it up, up North.

      Gotta scoot…more in (a) good time,
      ty

      cc: GG

      P.S. I figured you were healthy…it’s just that those two movies could easily put you in a non-eating mood to the point that there would be a significant risk of malnourishment.

      Nov 23, 2009 at 10:55 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.11   Geek Goddess

      Everything I know about Pirates I learned from Johnny Depp.

      If the group votes the pirates off the ship, I’m cool with that though.

      How about Third Wave as an alternate product name?

      Nov 23, 2009 at 11:56 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.12   infant tyrone bang

      GG,

      I missed that movie. (movies?)
      I read a Classics Illustrated comic version of Treasure Island long ago.
      Maybe I really don’t know enough about pirates yet ?

      I think CG’s may be right to be wary of regular pirates, but we might be able to make the pirate thing work if we could match up a group of male pirates ala William Burroughs’ Wild Boys or the Cities of the Red Night with some female pirates ala Kathy Acker’s Pussy, King of the Pirates.

      Any sexual tensions would be intragroup rather than intergroup, for reasons which are either obvious, or will shortly be obvious if you JFGI.

      It’s a little Hunter Thompson-ish, but let the images rattle around the old planetarium for a while and see what you think. The Grateful Dead arranged the Hell’s Angels for security at Altamont and that went OK, no ?

      If that doesn’t float your boat, maybe we can hornswaggle (sounds kinda piratey) some Hollywood bigwigs and even get Mr. Depp to come along
      ‘to protect his investment’ if he’s the type to flutter your mainsail.

      It’s all a work in progress, even if we haven’t gotten too far. We have a ‘product’, the beginnings of a plan, and a target destination.

      We should throw in a few schoolgirl references just so the purists don’t get their bandannas in a nasty Gordian knot. So, did you hear about the schoolgirl in Caracas who found an image of Mary on a pair of maracas ?
      That should keep the wolves from the door…

      ty

      P.S. Third Wave as in Alvin Toffler ? Ron Jones ? Transgender ?
      They’re all OK with me, but they could be a bit obscure and limiting…although Toffler fans may have gotten rich in Silicon Valley and similar areas in the past 4 decades and could be a rich source of funds.

      The only ’3′ reference I think we should avoid is anything like ‘Holy Trinity Paper’. It could alienate everybody except Catholics, plus the Church itself is a much less fruitful vineyard after the mega-million lawsuit awards in the recent past. Although the idea of a proposed advertising campaign based on the slogan ‘Indulge Thyself’ has a definite pranksterly appeal, we’re talking business here and there are just too many drawbacks, IMO.

      Nov 24, 2009 at 1:18 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.13   pony girl

      Dang, I take a break and miss all the good stuff.

      Dec 4, 2009 at 1:20 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.14   Geek Goddess

      I’ve been wondering where you were, pony! I can understand if you wanted to go for a walk or something, like in this poem:

      http://www.slate.com/id/2232904/

      Dec 4, 2009 at 1:27 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.15   pony girl

      Yes!!
      Just like that.
      (love that poem, btw. copied it and will put it on my wall whenever i get my printer set up)

      Dec 4, 2009 at 1:33 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.16   Geek Goddess

      Somebody left my gate open once. Now I make sure that I have the key to the gate myself.

      Dec 4, 2009 at 2:03 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   GhostWriter bang

    …on a note showing two pussies rubbing on each other, no less!

    Nov 23, 2009 at 1:08 pm   rating: 28  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   pony girl

      Took me an entire day to figure that out.
      Something is seriously up with me.

      Dec 5, 2009 at 2:18 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   Paige

    What’s with the capital letters? Guest poster or new format?

    Nov 23, 2009 at 1:29 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #24   aaa bang

    Your slutty gf
    Jailbait is fucking creepy
    I wish I weren’t old

    Nov 23, 2009 at 2:53 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   Lhyzz

      That was almost a haiku, but you have an extra syllable on the last line.

      Nov 28, 2009 at 10:56 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.2   park rose bang

      Since when did /wɜ:nt/ have two syllables, or /wɜ:rnt/ if you clearly pronounce the /r/?
      Though there is plenty of debate on the topic.

      Nov 29, 2009 at 6:25 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.3   Canthz_B bang

      Pronunciation is a bitch, ai-n’t she?

      Nov 29, 2009 at 3:42 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #25   anglophile bang

    That one cat on the right really does look disturbed at the schoolgirl porn look.

    Nov 23, 2009 at 4:03 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   MAMARILLA2 bang

    Oops. I did it again, baby.

    Nov 23, 2009 at 4:45 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   Critical Grass bang

      What? Hit me, baby. One more time.

      Nov 23, 2009 at 4:47 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.2   Wade bang

      Are you saying she’s not a girl, not yet a woman?

      Nov 23, 2009 at 5:16 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.3   Critical Grass bang

      Nah, I’m saying she’s so lucky. She’s a porn star.

      Nov 23, 2009 at 5:34 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.4   Wade bang

      PJ should consider this: If U seek Amy, both your mom and Lauren will see you as a womanizer.

      Nov 23, 2009 at 6:21 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.5   Critical Grass bang

      Yeah, but PJ is not the womanizer kinda guy, he’s more like… Crazy, he just can’t sleep. He’s so excited, he’s in too deep (and Lauren should know)…

      Nov 23, 2009 at 6:49 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.6   JF

      Would mom mind? If Lauren took it off?

      Nov 24, 2009 at 1:54 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #27   Chicken Underwear

    It takes one to know one.

    Nov 23, 2009 at 5:56 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #28   Kevin

    Slutty schoolgirl outfit != bad porn. Ever.

    Nov 23, 2009 at 6:36 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #29   infant tyrone bang

    The One That Didn’t Get Away…or…The Other One That Got Away*

    For a decade, Mom was so into Club Jenna and the box set of Candida Royale’s oeuvre that she never kept up on the Harajuku fashion scene.

    PJ had entered and won a contest with his essay “Why Oji-sama is passe”, and so, when he came home with the prize of his lifetime, an overnight visit from the top Sweet Lolita model in Japan, who had been perfectly made up to resemble Lauren, Mom could only react to the sight from within her own limited frame of reference, which was, sadly, still only reasonably high-quality American porn.

    Lolita was so infatuated with PJ that she bought him a ticket to Tokyo. When PJ arrived, she prevailed upon her great-grandfather, Tatsuya Nakadai, to use his film industry connections to set PJ up in the business.

    PJ is now the producer of “Home…But Not Alone!”, a bukake goldmine with actresses perfectly made up (at first, anyway) to resemble Lauren.

    His next series, “Showering Filial Piety on Mom” is set to begin production next month.

    Gross Profits, an industry blog, predicts another huge success.

    * For Piccione and her creative team, con rispetto e ammirazione

    Nov 23, 2009 at 8:28 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   Jadielady

    I have that same note paper!!!

    Nov 23, 2009 at 8:55 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #30.1   infant tyrone bang

      Jadielady,

      Nice blog…nice cats…we only have one but he’s about 1/2 Mau, 1/4 Bengal, and the rest Alley, so he’s quite a handful, with the Mau wildness.

      Down at the bottom of page one, it looks as tough you might have bumped into PJ’s Uncle Steve…did you happen to catch the chapless chap’s name ?

      The level of cosplay interplay on this note is sort of eerie…

      Nov 23, 2009 at 9:10 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.2   anglophile bang

      Listen, Jadielady, I’m not saying there’s no room for another crazy-cat-lady knitter on this blog, but just be aware I got here first, ok?

      ;)

      Nov 24, 2009 at 7:57 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #31   bestgirls.com.ua

    How much money would you have to be paid to eat your pet?

    Nov 23, 2009 at 10:43 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #31.1   infant tyrone bang

      Small ‘p’ pet…priceless, as in, “You can’t afford it.”

      One of your ‘P’ Pet colleagues…send ‘er over, we’ll do a Bioelectrical impedance analysis and send you a firm (OK, firm and binding) quote.
      Oh, and forget any “core charge” on the skeleton…we’re thorough.

      Sincerely,
      Lecter & Associates
      Bones and All Bio-removal…It’s What Separates Us From The Herd !

      Nov 23, 2009 at 11:12 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #32   Havingfitz

    Girlfriend should show up in a parade of strange outfits from now on: Little Bo Peep, The dude from “V for Vendetta”, Predator, Barack Obama, Strawberry Shortcake, and Battle Cat. Either Mom will decide her son is dating Lady Gaga or come to the conclusion that whatever he’s into, it’s better not to ask.

    Nov 23, 2009 at 10:50 pm   rating: 29  small thumbs up

     
  • #33   Canthz_B bang

    Shows what you know about people, Mom.

    Rikki happens to be Student Council President of the freshman class at Our Lady of the Most Blessed Sacrament High School.

    I haven’t “known” a finer person since I flunked out of college.

    Why can’t you ever just be proud of me?!

    Nov 23, 2009 at 11:41 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #34   Canthz_B bang

    Bad porn or not, Mom, you’re getting your rent.
    Where did you think it was coming from…and why didn’t I get a note about the goats that time?

    Nov 24, 2009 at 12:12 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #35   infant tyrone bang

    Dear PJ,

    Ever since your late Father and I adopted you, you’ve been the apple of my eye, and even though the temptation was strong, we never lied to you.
    But, Son, there were things that we didn’t think you were ready for.

    It might have been better if we had told you early on that:
    1) your biological father was a Bishop,
    2) your biological mother was the head of a convent, and,
    3) your late Father and I are in a 12-step program called Recovering Catholics Anonymous.

    Hindsight, like MadDog, is 20/20, but I’m telling you now in the hopes that you will understand why I can’t have you bringing that little Papist trollop into our house.

    I’m sorry about this, but if you really want to associate with that ‘sweet young thing’, you’re going to have to move out of here.

    I suggest you join a seminary, have Little Miss Consecrated Necco Wafers join a convent, and then practice ontogeny recapitulating phylogeny.
    If it was good enough for your immediate genetic predecessors, maybe it’ll work for the two of you, but I just can’t indulge it under this roof.

    I’m sure you think of your ‘love’ for each other as some sort of eternal flame of the ages, but I hope you will reconsider what is at stake here.

    There, I’ve lodged my protest, even at the risk of dislodging my Son.
    Do what thou wilt, but don’t come crowleying back to me if it doesn’t
    work out. If you leave, that will just have to be my cross to bear.

    Bye now, I’m late for a meeting,
    Mom

    Nov 24, 2009 at 12:28 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #35.1   Gavin

      What do you guys do for a living? I’m a writer (but very young (20) and as yet inexperienced(just over a year, technical writing)). I’m amazed at how good the writing is here, I’m guessing you guys are older, and well cultured b/c a lot of the references I have to google – it’s a welcome change from the usual spam blogging seen elsewhere.

      Nov 24, 2009 at 4:01 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.2   Canthz_B bang

      Gavin, most of us edit technical material for a living.

      Try using brackets when adding information within parentheses.

      “Phil won state honors (All-State [Coaches State Team not included] and Governor’s Team) during his last two years in high school.” ;-)

      Nov 24, 2009 at 6:34 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.3   Gavin

      Was just interested to know. Was quite shocked to see so many people who were actually able to put a sentence together, and interesting and humorous ones at that. I was trying to imagine who you guys were behind your alias’ and could only come up with that you were all writers or in a similar field.

      What kind of stuff do you edit?

      I write about tax havens and offshoring mainly, quite dry so this is often a welcome break away from dreary subject matters. I do write about a few other fairly interesting things (relatively) but as I say, reading this is often a breath of fresh air. Since I first started being the silent onlooker to these threads I’ve learnt a lot from doing backround searches into the references you guys have tied in, for instance previously about ‘the hunting of the snark’ — I’m not very well read!

      Nov 24, 2009 at 7:40 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.4   Gavin

      Picky huh; I’m sure it doesn’t matter hugely and is probably more correct with “))”?

      For instance: Canthz B said, “Phil won state honors (All-State and Governor [Bill's] Team) during his last two years in high school.”

      Bill’s not part of the quote (ie. what you said) but added by the writer (to give extra info) after.

      Generally square brackets to me would only be used in this instance but you may be right all the same, I don’t think I’ve really needed to use two lots of brackets “ie. ((” ever for the paper I write for as it’s not really op-ed or informal.

      Nov 24, 2009 at 7:57 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.5   park rose bang

      Jumping the snark is more my stock in trade.
      Are you trying to sell us all an island?

      Nov 24, 2009 at 7:58 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.6   Canthz_B bang

      Beats me, Gavin…you’re the technical writer…and twenty whole years old…why ask me?
      All I did was look it up on the internet under grammar rules! ;-)

      Nov 24, 2009 at 8:03 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.7   Gavin

      Heh that’s why I said you could be right, I haven’t encountered it myself to be honest.

      To Rose: I have one for rent? http://www.google.com/hostednews/ukpress/article/ALeqM5i4LxrsrehZSWxCxicX_sb-D_fpWw

      Nov 24, 2009 at 8:03 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.8   Canthz_B bang

      My apologies. I thought you’d encountered the situation above.

      Nov 24, 2009 at 8:08 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.9   anglophile bang

      I’m so glad you think I rite good, Gavin.

      THX!

      :)

      Nov 24, 2009 at 8:18 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.10   Gavin

      So, after all that, what do you guys edit/write!?

      Nov 24, 2009 at 8:49 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.11   Geek Goddess

      I’m a horseracing industry technician. I ‘edit’ . . . well, you don’t really want to know what I edit.

      And on the side, I’m a graphic designer/website tech.

      Nov 24, 2009 at 12:03 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.12   infant tyrone bang

      I proof English press releases for NewRomancers Ltd., a porn zaibatsu.

      Nov 24, 2009 at 12:45 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #36   Grant

    Who could react with anger to the aggression in a note headed wiv cute cuddlwy kittehs?

    Have you considered a range of Passive-Aggressive Stationary to target this obviously huge market of letter writers?

    Nov 24, 2009 at 3:57 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #36.1   Geek Goddess

      Would you want those on one-sided, two-sided, mobius, or three-sided paper? If the latter, I can direct you to a supplier.

      Nov 24, 2009 at 12:00 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #36.2   infant tyrone bang

      GG,

      Always looking for the P.O….Nice work, pard !

      Here’s a thought on Team Triple-Team.

      PA Stationery (no need to tell #36…he’d want a piece of the action, and I don’t mind having my stock deluded, but if we get too many chefs on this pot here it’ll get diluted to the point we won’t have to flee the country).

      Oh, yeah, PA Stationery…three-sided because you want a separate side for the polite, the hostile, and the ironic ? Copyright problem maybe ?

      On to Caracas ! (or Up to Quito ! if that global warming thing heats up),

      ty

      cc: CG

      Nov 24, 2009 at 12:37 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #37   Canthz_B bang

    I always knew that being featured in “Family Circus” could affect those kids negatively.

    P.J. has some issues to work through, but will someday (with counseling) be able to handle mature love.

    Nov 24, 2009 at 6:52 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #38   al dawg

    That schoolgirl was fucking delicious.

    Nov 24, 2009 at 7:01 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #38.1   Canthz_B bang

      Careful, your parole officer may read this blog.

      Nov 24, 2009 at 7:20 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #39   cTo

    My mom is a weird sort of untraditional derivative of this. Last year, I was staying at my parents for the holidays. My mom dropped me off at public transit new years eve so I could go to a party in the city. I was wearing a *very* tiny black dress. My mom’s parting comment:

    “You look great, but just so you know, honey, you look like a prostitute. AND THATS OK!! Just….be careful walking through the city.”

    Thanks mom. ;)

    Nov 24, 2009 at 11:47 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #40   Renagade676

    I think she was being too harsh. Nothing screams “future daughter in law” like a schoolgirl outfit with a view of the ol’ babymaker.

    Nov 25, 2009 at 2:54 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #41   mystic_eye_cda

    I *found* a picture of the girlfriend shopping at WalMart….
    http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/?p=6918

    Its the definition of “bad porn star”

    Nov 25, 2009 at 12:17 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #41.1   infant tyrone bang

      mystic_eye,

      Oh, I hope not…cause that might make it possible to encounter her again, in a worse way…when I’m looking to *find* a “good porn star”.

      But, even if it is (the def of a BPS), it will surely motivate me to use butter-buds on mashed potatoes and drop down to at most 2% milk.

      Happy Turkey Day

      Nov 25, 2009 at 12:58 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #42   AiXeLsyD13

    Wow. This is the funniest ever. The kittens? A note from your mom referencing porn? Wow. Just, …wow.

    Nov 25, 2009 at 10:47 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #43   Hurricane

    PJ,

    Good Porn: Feathers
    Bad Porn: Chickens

    Love,
    Mom

    Nov 29, 2009 at 9:29 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #44   jj

    Please, think of the kittens.

    Dec 3, 2009 at 1:18 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     

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