The cable guy’s revenge

November 24th, 2009 · 59 comments

Neva in Berkeley was looking to kill time between classes with some trashy TV when she noticed this teaser for an episode of Rock of Love. “The description did not match the episode at all,” Neva says, “but it was far more entertaining.”

What's the best way to find out about a new girl? Interrogate her ex-boyfriend of course - I'm sure they'll be open, honest and partial (just like I am about my ex - the whore.)

related: meet my new therapist, the cable guy

FILED UNDER: ex drama · WTF?


59 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Canthz_B bang

    DAMN! He broke up with her too?!

    Now I don’t feel so bad!

    Nov 24, 2009 at 8:05 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Renagade676

      You shouldn’t feel bad. I’ve a feeling there’s a whole train of exes.

      Nov 24, 2009 at 8:08 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   park rose bang

      I resisted and resisted and resisted, but really, Renegade, I agree. He shouldn’t rail against the sleepers, especially since I’m sure they’ve had to deal with the rapid service and super express.

      Nov 26, 2009 at 1:57 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   park rose bang

    Resumè watching.
    That’s what it’s all about. Getting a dependable referee, and watertight references. Then you too might be lucky enough to snag this one, or his friend.

    Nov 24, 2009 at 8:07 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   anglophile bang

    What’s the best way to need a new job? Bring your personal life into it and open your employer up to FCC complaints and fines, of course!

    Nov 24, 2009 at 8:16 am   rating: 31  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Maas

      Given his use of dashes, he may be hoping to get a job as Emily Dickinson.

      Nov 24, 2009 at 1:14 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   anglophile bang

      Because I could not date this whore–
      She kindly dated Me–
      The Bedroom held but just Ourselves–
      And the Whole Fraternity–

      Nov 24, 2009 at 1:17 pm   rating: 57  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.3   infant tyrone bang

      Maas,

      Dude’s singing the blues, which, like most Shakespearean plays, is most often written in iambic pentameter, but he’s not hopin’ to be The Bard.

      More like a Rusty Weir song that starts off:

      Well, Joe, I thought we’d just sit down and drink a beer
      I know you’re wondering why I asked you here
      Well, it’s all around the town how you been seeing Sue
      Now I called you here to see if it was true

      I heard you’ve been laying my old lady
      Hey, Joe, times must be getting tough everywhere
      I heard you’ve been laying my old lady
      Well I like you Joe, but wives are hard to share

      With just the pair of dashes, I think he’s more likely to be hoping to be George Jones, Ferlin Husky, or Dwight Yoakam, Jest a guesstimate.

      Nov 24, 2009 at 8:06 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.4   TheOldSchool

      It’s an ambiguous statement. On the one hand, he’s alluding to the fact that he still has strong feelings for her (i.e., he’s still willing to openly and honestly discuss what may have gone wrong with their relationship).

      But, then he uses his other hand to casually wave her good-bye when he doesn’t mention her name or even her current occupation.

      If I were him, I’d get out of cable.

      Nov 24, 2009 at 9:08 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.5   infant tyrone bang

      Yes, an ambiguous statement based on a dynamic of ambivalence that typifies all too many relationships, even in this so-called Modern Age.

      The dynamic is that ages old polar combo of Madonna/Virgin vs. Whore.

      He (unnamed, and why not…doesn’t he stand for any man or all of us?) literally adores her to the point of being ready to help her next swain better understand what makes her tick, what makes her smile, and what makes her worth all the trouble.

      He is like a sodium ion who, loosed from the perfect grip of his beloved Chlorine when the solvent hit the gargling glass, is willing to hep his Potassium brother to the straight scoop on how to hook up with her, if the chance arises, when the film of water evaporates, long after the complex giants have gone to bed to sleep through a sore throat.

      But even though she makes him part of a true and beautiful completeness by taking his one solitary, final atom* of devotion, somewhere deep inside, at the core of him, there burns a resentment hotter than a nuclear furnace, because even though she chose him, her need will always be so compelling that if he is parted from her for the length of a blink by pressure, heat, or a mere nanoliter of water, her -7 charge will compel her to find the nearest sodium or potassium brother, or, if chance calls out a more risky and risque dance number, pal up with another Chlorine Lassie to menage with a swarthy earth metal (every Cadmium ion’s base fantasy).

      Adoration, need, fulfillment, rejection, attraction, temperature, pressure, particles, waves, circles, shells, rings, and as Laurie Anderson’s song, Smoke Rings, tells us “Ah desire! It’s cold as ice And then it’s hot as fire. Ah desire! So random So rare”

      Chemistry, too…can be…a Goddess…and a Bitch.

      * ‘atom’ is in the Democritus sense, not Thompsonian or later

      Nov 25, 2009 at 12:39 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   Julie

    That is GREAT! I wish all TV listings were like that!

    Nov 24, 2009 at 8:22 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #5   The Great Joe Bivins

    I’m sure he assumed people watching Rock of Love wouldn’t read the description because most people who watch Rock of Love can’t read.

    Nov 24, 2009 at 8:56 am   rating: 71  small thumbs up

     
  • #6   kdaniel

    “Open, honest and partial”: only one of these words seems applicable t0 whores and their respective exes.

    Nov 24, 2009 at 9:15 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   jbles

      Two if they’re missing limbs!

      Nov 24, 2009 at 9:24 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   park rose bang

      I don’t know. I’m sure he was partial to whores.

      Nov 24, 2009 at 9:31 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.3   kdaniel

      @jbles: touché!

      Nov 24, 2009 at 9:35 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   Gavin

    I don’t think much of his spelling.

    Surely a film that lasts just 38 mins is put up purely to satisfy a man’s afternoon hand-shandy session, it should instead be

    Execs and Ho’s?

    I mean wtf are Oh’s

    Nov 24, 2009 at 9:27 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   bzzzzgrrrl

    I can’t help but notice that this looks like it’s for Exes and Ohs (which is a real show: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0799893/) and not Rock of Love. It doesn’t make any more sense that way; can’t imagine Bret Michaels on E&O, can’t imagine that has anything to do with the plot of the episode, but it does add a new layer of crazy.

    Nov 24, 2009 at 9:59 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Gavin

      Sounds like I was right, it’s all a bunch of labia licking lezzers:

      http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0799893/releaseinfo#akas

      Nov 24, 2009 at 10:05 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.2   JetJackson

      Rock of Love: Episode 308 (Ex’s and Oh’s)… google is your friend.

      Nov 24, 2009 at 5:31 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.3   Gavin

      We obviously dont have that in England? that or I’ve been in a coma for the last 20 years all I saw in the aforeposted link was

      “Also Known As (AKA)
      “The Rules: A Lesbian Survival Guide” USA (working title) “

      Nov 25, 2009 at 3:24 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   thirty six red

    meep

    Nov 24, 2009 at 10:36 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   Critical Grass bang

      Yeah, now it’s “meep”, but it’ll get better, don’t worry.

      Nov 24, 2009 at 7:11 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   Erin

    I really, really, really want to meet the people who write the TV show and movie blurbs for the Comcast On Demand stuff. Because so many of them are hilarious and ridiculous.

    Nov 24, 2009 at 10:42 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   Loser

    I was watching TV, once, and I guess I should mention that in Sweden, where I lived, “Third Watch” is called “Trejde Skiftet” (The Third Shift). Well, somebody messed up the TV listings one night, and instead, it said “Trejde Skitet” (The Third Shit). Which, I suppose, fit pretty well, as it wasn’t such a great show.

    Wow…I told a pointless story!

    Nov 24, 2009 at 11:10 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Geek Goddess

      I, too, watched TV once.

      Nov 24, 2009 at 12:07 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   nativefloridian

      interesting that the difference between ‘shift’ and ‘shit’ in both English and Swedish is the letter F

      Nov 24, 2009 at 1:12 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.3   Critical Grass bang

      You watched TV once, GG?
      TV?!
      What the hell is that?

      Nov 24, 2009 at 4:32 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.4   infant tyrone bang

      CG,

      Puedes leer la historia aqui (en verdad es abajo, pero es todavia muy cerca). Gracias por la opportunidad de practicar. Aqui viene la historia…

      http://inventors.about.com/od/tstartinventions/a/Television_Time.htm

      Muy feliz para servirle,
      ty

      P.S. Si hay algunos errores, perdoneme.

      P.P.S. If y’all overseas folks are wondering where everybody is, my guess is they’re all out buying turkeys for the Annual U.S. Eating Holiday, called Thanksgiving, or El Dia de Gracias, or Ringraziando, or….

      Nov 24, 2009 at 5:10 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.5   Critical Grass bang

      Gracias por las informaciones, Ty.

      Si hay algunos errores no voy corregirlos, porque español no es mi legua madre y temo no tener conocimientos suficientes para hacerlo.

      Besos, abrazos y aprétones de manos.

      P.S.: Yes, Thanksgiving, on thursday, the whole world knows. ;)

      Nov 24, 2009 at 8:30 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.6   infant tyrone bang

      Oh, OK, that’s all right…if you don’t have special parts for my Toyota,
      no problem…I can take it to the dealership.

      Nov 25, 2009 at 12:53 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.7   Critical Grass bang

      Qué?!
      Qué he hecho?!
      No entiendo lo que dices, chico.
      ¿Quiere elaborar mejor?
      ¿Estás jugando conmigo?

      Nov 25, 2009 at 9:45 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   jim

    bravo, cable guy. that is some high-caliber passive aggression.

    Nov 24, 2009 at 11:10 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   Maggie

    I’ve seen descriptions like this for other things on comcast too! I wonder who they’re hiring to write and if anyone monitors them… somehow I can’t see the CEO approving.

    Nov 24, 2009 at 11:13 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   infant tyrone bang

    Gavin ?

    Are you sure you only write about offshore tax havens and such?

    If so (and if the dryness of the material has you yearning for some alternate channel of creative release), maybe Comcast {or whatever cable company is in your area [wherever that is]} might be a door you want to knock on for some part-time telecommuting Xtra income.

    Oops, out of brackets…off to Home Depot,
    ty

    P.S. “Oh’s” are like in “Oh! Oh! Oh! Ohhhh!…Gavin, that was wonderful ! More, please.” Ring a bell ? A chime ? Many of us are sawyers here, but we all try to be cunning linguists*.

    * shamelessly stolen from Richard Lederer during lunch {2006}

    Nov 24, 2009 at 11:44 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   Critical Grass bang

    I’m really excited to know what this guy wrote about Desperate Housewives or Grey’s Anatomy. :D

    Nov 24, 2009 at 1:17 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   infant tyrone bang

      CG,

      Me too…do y’all have Comcast down where you are ?
      All we have is SkyTV here and there’s no notes like these.

      We should find someone who gets Comcast + do a three-way with them…
      I mean, you know, split the monthly bill if they’ll set up a private link where we can watch this stuff…

      Wait a minute, why couldn’t Comcast do that ?
      Wait another minute, why couldn’t we do that and set up a subscription channel ourselves ?

      I don’t think it’s just us…there’s gotta be a market niche to fill here.

      Imagine what he says about some of those Nip/Tuck episodes.

      Nov 24, 2009 at 4:48 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   Quinn

    I personally think the best way to find out about a new girl is to stalk them online, hide in their bushes outside their window, and tail their vehicle for a day.

    Er.. O.O;

    Nov 24, 2009 at 2:46 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   Critical Grass bang

      That was you?!

      Nov 24, 2009 at 4:33 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   Josh Miller

    We went through a short stint at work where we were programming our own guide. It was SOOO tempting to put things like this in. Especially for Infomercials.

    “1 AM – Paid Program – WHY THE HELL ARE YOU WATCHING THIS??? CHANGE THE FUCKING CHANNEL”.

    Sadly, I like my job.

    Nov 24, 2009 at 4:33 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   K

    You know Comcast gets the program descriptions and guide data from Tribune Media Services. Don’t blame Comcast :)

    Nov 24, 2009 at 6:18 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   Tasha

    That is pretty freakin’ amazing. Nothing like using technology to be p-a.

    Nov 24, 2009 at 7:26 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   KC_Sunshine_Man

    Was she a futon whore?

    Nov 24, 2009 at 8:56 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   park rose bang

      What I want to know is,
      what the ex-hoary-futon-whore-horde-wore.
      And
      was what the ex-hoary-futon-whore-horde wore, the cause of the hoary-futon- whore- war of fourteen forty four?

      Nov 24, 2009 at 9:41 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.2   infant tyrone bang

      Um, Professor Rose…

      1) Is this going to be on the Terminal Final Exam?

      2) Can we turn in Extra Credit material if it is about the ‘One Foot-on the Floor Whore’ who wore out the floor board of a stroked and bored four-door Forty Four Ford ? I mean, like, she technically wasn’t an “ex” cuz this was all when her hubby was over in Europe coming ashore at Anzio, but I’m pretty sure they were majorly Splitsville after he came home unexpectedly and all. Grandpa really loved that car…he told us.

      Oh, yeah…and can we still get partial credit if she wasn’t wearing anything in the Ford ’cause all her clothes were back home where she hoarded them in boxes next to her collection of Colt 44 revolvers ?

      Nov 24, 2009 at 11:44 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #21   Neeners

    Well, I wonder what the guy typed in the ‘adult section’ movies if he was writing this? I bet he is no longer employed with Comcast.

    With a few colorful changes you could make this quite a popular pay per view event.

    Fill in the blanks with your fave colorful sexy phrases and Comcast will charge you $14.99 per movie (not that I would know or anything).

    “Exes and ooooohs”
    “What’s the best way to _____ a new girl? _____ her ex-boyfriend of course. I’m sure they’ll be ____, _____, and _____ (just like I _____ about my ex-the whore).”

    Nov 25, 2009 at 12:17 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   Adam

    This is totally like in the end of Billy Madison when half of the final categories are things like “my wife, the whore” and other shit like that. hahahaha Classic Sandler!

    Nov 25, 2009 at 1:06 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   Joe 2

    Related: “When Jumbotron Operators Attack!”

    Nov 25, 2009 at 8:14 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #24   Dara

    I used to work for the company that does the listings for Comcast. I’m frightened I might know this person and I’m really glad I stuck to the don’t date your co-workers policy.

    Nov 30, 2009 at 11:45 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   MonaLisa65

    Infant Tyrone: If you are male, marry me!

    (If you’re female, well… I guess we’d just hafta’ find some juicy little Na2CO3 and, you know… get bent. It wouldn’t last, but ‘Rawrg!’)

    Dec 2, 2009 at 7:29 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   infant tyrone bang

    M.L.65…

    I’m male.
    I’m flattered.
    I’ve given and I’m taken.
    Circumstances change sometimes.
    Earthquakes, lightning, disease, beer trucks…
    Check in from time to time and say Hi if you want to.

    Curious about what we’d be doing with that sodium carbonate if we were both female. I’ve read up on/scanned some uses of the stuff and I’m not seeing anything that conjures up visions of “Rawrg!”, so please advise. Is there some reason hetero folks can’t or shouldn’t use it ?

    Dec 3, 2009 at 12:16 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   MonaLisa65

    Well, being pretty hetero-, if I had to team with another Chlorine lassie, I’d prefer to fore-go the earthy Cad (been there, done that, bought the dvd) and hook up instead with a lonely O. He’d be grateful for the bond, and if there’s enough sparks, it’d still be explosive….

    Dec 3, 2009 at 8:33 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #28   infant tyrone bang

    If chance finds you and a Clolleague saturating the Blue Bayou of an
    Only the Lonely ‘O’, put another coin in the jukebox (? do we even still have jukeboxes) and dance the night away.

    Hope the earthy Cad wasn’t too rude a dude.

    See you ’round the playground here ?

    Dec 3, 2009 at 9:13 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #29   MonaLisa65

    There still are jukeboxes, only now they play cds and take credit cards…

    My earthy cad was what he was: soft, ductile and toxic, by nature bivalent; whereas I require a more exclusive bond.

    I’ve hereby exhausted what little I’ve retained of high school chemistry, but I’ll be around. ;)

    Dec 3, 2009 at 1:39 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   infant tyrone bang

    Ah…haven’t been in a juke-equipped establishment in a while. Thanks.

    Sure hope you used appropriate safety measures with The Cad. If I’m going to get sick, I think I’d much rather go with something like peyote.

    Taking a breather from chemistry seems like a good idea. At the risk of appearing cad-ish (Allen Ginsberg references may be risky), which was your favorite subject ? Or second favorite, if chemistry was first?

    P.S. I barely do strike-out effect + denote *emphasis* with fore and aft asterisks, so don’t take a lack of flash for lack of interest or appreciation.

    Dec 3, 2009 at 2:52 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #31   MonaLisa65 bang

    I am for the most part self-educated. The arts, sciences, language… all, at one time or another, have held my attention to the exclusion of all else. (I suppose art and science called to me more, though, since not long ago I broke up with corporate America and became a massage therapist. I like to say I haven’t worked a day since, because I love it so.)

    And you?

    Dec 3, 2009 at 4:07 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #31.1   infant tyrone

      Call me AirForceBrat51for an age ID.
      Bad back (stenosis + surgery), disability-retired teacher (Reg + Sp Ed).
      Living in Costa Rica with my wife of 20+ years.
      Used to be self-employed with a very interesting (legal) job…

      Ciao (they actually say that a lot down here)

      Dec 9, 2009 at 10:03 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #32   pizza

    That’s actually my friend’s show. It’s hilarious. The funniest lesbian comedy on TV.

    Don’t blame her for the teleprompt intern fucking up and putting her script VO text into the logline box, instead of the episode’s actual logline!

    Dec 17, 2009 at 6:55 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #33   Why you shouldn’t piss off the copywriter | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com

    [...] related: The cable guy’s revenge [...]

    Sep 17, 2010 at 1:01 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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