Worst. Metaphor. Ever.

November 29th, 2009 · 96 comments

Based on the evidence below, I’d say one of John’s male coworkers in Sydney, Australia has taken “holiday spirit” too far. Way, way, too far.

Gifts left in the toilet bowl are no fun for anyone.

related: Sprinkles are for cupcakes

FILED UNDER: bathroom · Christmas · clip art catastrophe · holiday spirit · Sydney · toilet


96 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Wade bang

    Mister Hankey would disagree.

    Nov 29, 2009 at 9:15 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Canthz_B bang

      “Mr. Hankey The Christmas Poo
      Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo
      He loves me, I love you,
      Therefore vicariously he loves you
      Even if you’re a Jew.

      Sometimes he’s nutty, sometimes he’s corny
      He can be brown or greenish brown,
      But if you eat fibre on Christmas Eve
      He might come to your town.

      Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo
      He loves me, I love you,
      He looooovves you!”

      Nov 29, 2009 at 10:57 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   crumplet

    Bondi Cigars make the best gift, ever!

    Nov 29, 2009 at 9:17 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   Martin

    wow… that’s pretty col. I like how the little present is positioned in that picture. Totally thought this was going somewhere else when i glimpsed that first. And then… mind = blown

    Nov 29, 2009 at 9:23 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

     
  • #4   tiff

    WOW….John sucks

    Nov 29, 2009 at 9:25 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   mamason bang

      WTF did John do?

      Nov 30, 2009 at 2:22 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   Critical Grass bang

      You suck!

      Nov 30, 2009 at 2:55 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   kdaniel

    I’m pretty sure the clip art is depicting “Dick in a Box”, which is definitely a fun gift for some people.

    Nov 29, 2009 at 9:25 pm   rating: 33  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Lady J J

      I was also curious about use of “modesty gift”

      Nov 29, 2009 at 9:28 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   Critical Grass bang

      It’s easy to do, just follow these steps:

      1 – Cut a hole in a box;
      2 – put your junk in that box;
      3 – make her open the box.

      And that’s the way you do it.

      Nov 30, 2009 at 9:39 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.3   Amanda

      I was going to say the same thing!

      Dec 2, 2009 at 6:42 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   Canthz_B bang

    Gifts left in the toilet are no fun for anyone.

    Maybe so, but I’ll always cherish the urinal cake my dad left me.

    Nov 29, 2009 at 9:26 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   Gavin

      and the skin flute?

      Nov 30, 2009 at 4:00 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   mamason bang

      I hope there was fruit with that urinal cake!

      Nov 30, 2009 at 2:23 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.3   Canthz_B bang

      mamason, of course there was, it was a urinal fruitcake.
      Lasts twice as long as the plain kind!

      Nov 30, 2009 at 8:51 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   Lady J J

    “Please deposit ‘gift’ in the glory hole on the right”
    thx sandra

    Nov 29, 2009 at 9:26 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   mamason bang

      “There will be a penalty for early withdrawal.”

      Nov 30, 2009 at 2:25 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   Canthz_B bang

    No fun indeed!

    Looks like someone has never played Toilet Hockey!

    Though I admit, it’s a pretty shitty sport.

    Nov 29, 2009 at 9:28 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   leftfoot

    I can’t help but think of German shiza videos.

    Was that intended?

    Nov 29, 2009 at 9:31 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   aaa bang

      Sheiße. :D

      (Or sheisse if you don’t like the fucked up German double-S thing.)

      Nov 30, 2009 at 5:19 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.2   leftfoot

      I’m a jew so I refuse to spell german words correctly. :-)

      Dec 1, 2009 at 3:07 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   anglophile bang

    Ah, you kids are so spoiled these days. Why, in my day we got a nickel, an orange, and a poo in our stocking and that was Christmas. None of these fancy game systems or iPods.

    Nov 29, 2009 at 9:32 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   Canthz_B bang

      And we were happy to have it!!

      Nov 29, 2009 at 10:03 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.2   infant tyrone bang

      Hey, now you tell me !
      I spent the nickel and ate the orange.

      But I thought the dark hard thing was coal, so I
      chalked it up to misbehavior and tossed it in the furnace.

      No wonder the house smelled kind of nasty ’til New Years.

      Nov 29, 2009 at 11:15 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.3   Palomon bang

      I got an iPoop!

      Nov 29, 2009 at 11:29 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.4   Geek Goddess

      We used to dream of having a nickel!

      Nov 30, 2009 at 12:47 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.5   infant tyrone bang

      Ahhh, Luxury….its name was nickel….

      You and Groucho, GG…
      Nice company you keep in your dreams…

      “Do you know what this country needs?
      A seven-cent nickel.
      We’ve been using the five-cent nickel in this country since 1492….
      Why not give the seven-cent nickel a chance?
      If that works out, next year we can have an eight-cent nickel.
      Think what that would mean.
      You could go to a newsstand, buy a three-cent paper, and get the same nickel back again.
      One nickel carefully used would last a family a lifetime.”

      Nov 30, 2009 at 1:09 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.6   Canthz_B bang

      There was a time when a nickel could buy you a pot to piss in with cuspidor aspirations included.
      That’s upward mobility.

      Nov 30, 2009 at 1:15 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   Quinn

    *insert poop joke*

    Lmao. XD

    I’m five.

    Nov 29, 2009 at 9:36 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Bunnee

      Oh, c’mon! We all know poop jokes are funny.

      …and does your mother know you’re on the computer?

      Nov 30, 2009 at 11:19 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   mamason bang

      Q: What do you do if you get swallowed by an elephant?

      A: You jump up and down till you’re all pooped out.

      Nov 30, 2009 at 2:27 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.3   Critical Grass bang

      mama, does it really work?

      quinn, you’re a very smart five year old. If you’re older though, then.. No.

      Nov 30, 2009 at 2:51 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   Kelly

    Damn, there go my plans for Christmas gifts… now what will I get my family?

    Nov 29, 2009 at 10:16 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   AuntyBron

    I have crappy gifts.

    Nov 29, 2009 at 10:24 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   TP

    I think the clip art boy has his dick in a box for you …

    Nov 29, 2009 at 10:29 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   Canthz_B bang

    Can you get any more passively aggressive than holding this toilet-gift grudge for a full year?

    Nov 29, 2009 at 10:32 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   slythwolf

    But for shame! Surely everyone loves Mr. Hanky!

    Nov 29, 2009 at 10:34 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   Canthz_B bang

      I know for sure that Wade does. ;-)

      Nov 29, 2009 at 10:37 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   Canthz_B bang

    Lennie’s note to self:

    This year, put George’s gingerbread man on the tree.

    Nov 29, 2009 at 10:34 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   Adam

    This one is written well. The first two lines trick you into reading the whole thing. I feel this one really works.

    Nov 29, 2009 at 11:02 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   mamason bang

      I concur.

      Nov 30, 2009 at 2:28 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.2   Critical Grass bang

      Do you, Adam? Do you really?!

      Nov 30, 2009 at 2:49 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.3   infant tyrone bang

      I think Adam’s pretty much in touch with his feelings.

      I don’t think anyone who’s emotionally detached could come up with the idea of a drive-by paintball-hit operation, much less run it successfully.

      Nov 30, 2009 at 3:05 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   infant tyrone bang

    Maybe they just don’t have the right music playing in the facilities ?
    They should switch to this classic “Owed to Poseidon” number.
    Ralph Gleason always said Jay had a set of copper-o-philic pipes…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZvNO0BfBecc

    Nov 29, 2009 at 11:08 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   JetJackson

    But good will amongst men means peeing off the skid marks left by the last guy…

    Where is your Christmas spirit?

    Nov 29, 2009 at 11:28 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   Palomon bang

    Does anyone else think the kid in the pic looks like he’s taking a dump?

    Nov 29, 2009 at 11:34 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   JetJackson

      I think the kid is giving birth to a Christmas present.

      Nov 29, 2009 at 11:42 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.2   infant tyrone bang

      Professor, I thought it looked more like a shit up.
      The hands-behind-head posture was all I was basing that opinion on.

      On closer review, however, I noticed the lack of clearly identifiable feet, which makes me wonder if the poor guy has anything, extremity-wise, beyond the knees and elbows. From the limbs (or lack thereof) I went faceward and found no nose and an empty mouth.

      The big-picture-analysis tells me that this urchin wants far more for Christmas (at least this year) than just his two front teeth.

      Nov 30, 2009 at 12:28 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.3   Gavin

      …or preparing to smuggle it accross the border… if only he had a bit of downward force it might go in

      Nov 30, 2009 at 4:03 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   Canthz_B bang

    Floaters.

    The gifts that keep on spinning giving.

    Nov 30, 2009 at 12:03 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   Renagade676

      I laughed so hard I woke my son up.

      Thanks for the mental image.

      Why can’t I get those toy submarines out of my head?

      Nov 30, 2009 at 2:15 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   Canthz_B bang

    I’ve been trying for months to acquire a level 9 staff.
    Now I know I must go back across the River Urhine and see the Wizard of Kohler who can bestow upon me the Power of Flush.

    Why can’t these RPGs tell you when you’re missing essential magic?!

    Nov 30, 2009 at 12:12 am   rating: 29  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   infant tyrone bang

      As Palomon once phrased it “Grudging thumb for” Urhine/WOK/POF.

      Anybody casting SOW (Spirit of Whirlpool) ?

      Nov 30, 2009 at 12:40 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.2   Canthz_B bang

      I feel as though I’ve been validated by a Bulgarian.

      Nov 30, 2009 at 1:05 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.3   infant tyrone bang

      As the Navy boys say, “Don’t let it go to your head”.

      Nov 30, 2009 at 1:13 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.4   Canthz_B bang

      My ego isn’t so easily inflated, you give your brea(d)th too much credit in assuming it has such width.

      Let’s stick to the note, shall we?
      We wouldn’t want anyone to think us “blow”-hards, now would we?

      Nov 30, 2009 at 1:22 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.5   infant tyrone bang

      Gosh, no…blowhards wouldn’t be quite The Thing to asspire to, huh?

      Inflation usually involves 3 dimensions (at least In Real Life).

      I was giving you a compliment, but somehow you took off and went to Bulgaria with it. My bad, I’m sure…now back to the note ?

      Nov 30, 2009 at 2:18 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.6   Geek Goddess

      I’m confused now. Tell me again, is Bulgaria in South America or not?

      Nov 30, 2009 at 2:27 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.7   Canthz_B bang

      Compliments not necessary… to thumb or not to thumb…that is the question.

      Do you really need recognition for thumbing a comment?

      I suppose so, given your three dimensional (inflated?) ego.

      “asspire” is something I could work wonders with, do you agree, Dr. Freud?

      “Yah, Yah…I concur, Dr. CB.”

      Besides, all I did was make an innocent comment relating to the note, you felt the need to add your “grudging” approval?

      Thanks, PAN God!

      Do we all need your approval from this point forward?

      Nov 30, 2009 at 2:40 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.8   infant tyrone bang

      Asspire was a slow softball…so far, nada.
      As Mr. Simon says, “Why deny the obvious child?”
      Few phenomena resemble a “Sore Winner”.

      Nov 30, 2009 at 8:58 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.9   Critical Grass bang

      GG, yes, Bulgaria is now in South America, we just had to move French Guiana and Suriname to Europe where they belong, so we could make room for it. Bulgaria definitely belongs with us.

      Nov 30, 2009 at 9:27 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   Geek Goddess

    This adds a whole new level of fun to the white elephant gift exchange.

    Nov 30, 2009 at 12:21 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   park rose bang

      Did you just make a trunk call, GG?

      Nov 30, 2009 at 3:10 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #25   Ebinezor S.

    Bah Humbug! Level 9s are lucky to have jobs. Level 5 and 6′s are getting laided off and yet level 9s remain.

    Nov 30, 2009 at 12:44 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   Gavin

      and remain at large by the sounds of it, been a while since I did a level 9′er

      Nov 30, 2009 at 4:06 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #26   Canthz_B bang

    You have to consider the fact that Santa is in a bit of a hurry, and with all that fruitcake and all those cookies…well, you can understand the occasional “extra gift” left behind.

    Nov 30, 2009 at 1:57 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   Canthz_B bang

    On Donner! On Blitzen!
    In their toilet I’ve shitzen!
    The time is coming when,
    Of this someone speaks.
    Of the time I left them,
    The bounty of my rosey cheeks!

    Nov 30, 2009 at 2:23 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #28   park rose bang

    I think it’s a side effect of coriolis of the giver.

    I know, spun me out too.

    Clockwise, I think. At least when I’m at home.

    Nov 30, 2009 at 3:03 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #28.1   Canthz_B bang

      I could counter that from here, rose,
      But I don’t want to spin this one too much!

      Nov 30, 2009 at 3:44 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #29   park rose bang

    Everyone knows that anal expulsives are more generous and expressive than anal retentives. More into finger painting and abstract expression and such (the perfect kind of Christmas gift). Hands up those who agree with me? …On second thoughts…expulsives, just keep your hands where they were.

    Nov 30, 2009 at 3:47 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   Gavin

    This note puzzles me it says: “please think of the health and well-being of your fellow level 9 staff”.

    Is it commonplace to drink from the bowl? Whatsmore I’ve never had one jump out the bowl at me and viciously maul me… maybe I’ve been fortunate.

    Nov 30, 2009 at 4:10 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #30.1   park rose bang

      Well, you inserted that hyphen, Gavin. Couldn’t bear to leave it out, eh, you old copy-editor / technical writer / investment genius you? Shoulda left off the quotes, then, don’t you think? Or possibly inserted: (author’s own punctuation added).

      But, I digress. I’m trying to work the bowel, and answer your question. But why bother? I got distracted in my google search and came up with gold (I think). Both of these are links from Australian government sites, all about you and your poo.

      Who can resist?:

      poo comes out. Most kids poo once a day. PLEASE, look after your bowel or it may learn bad habits. Bad bowel habits can make you dirty your pants. …

      I kid you not.

      Second one is Healthy bladder and bowel (poo).

      Nov 30, 2009 at 5:29 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.2   Geek Goddess

      No gold there, pr. That is pure brown. Brown, I tell you.

      But seriously, this is how they educate kids in Australia? And the anatomically incorrect picture of the kid on the cut-away toilet. When you are shitting on the toilet, the poo comes out. But where does it come out from? Not from where they are showing it in that picture. And where is Neptune while all this is going down?

      I certainly understand how you got distracted though.

      Nov 30, 2009 at 6:13 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.3   Gavin

      Lmfao at the guide, I didn’t realise women did that too, eww

      Nov 30, 2009 at 6:34 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.4   park rose bang

      Women are strange and mysterious creatures, Gavin. You might find this out as you get a little chest hair. GG, you calling me PR now? rose, please, by name and nature ;)

      Umm, yes, I guess that is how they educate us in Australia, and maybe why I failed Human Biology (well, that and the fact that I never took it).

      Nov 30, 2009 at 7:26 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.5   infant tyrone bang

      Gavin,

      On an otherwise slow night…it’s been known to happen.

      Count yourself fortunate.

      Nov 30, 2009 at 8:37 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.6   anglophile bang

      If you are old enough to read these guides, haven’t you already got the whole bowel thing sorted for yourself?

      Nov 30, 2009 at 8:54 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.7   park rose bang

      You want to stick that thing where!?

      No, I wasn’t referring to your comment Ty ;) Poisedon/Neptune made a sudden appearance with his three-pronged prong and startled me.

      Oh, you were referring to Gavin’s original comment? :oops: Nothing to see here, move along.

      Nov 30, 2009 at 9:10 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.8   Geek Goddess

      All right,rose, rose it is. But please don’t feel obligated to call me God.

      Nov 30, 2009 at 4:52 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.9   aaa bang

      I don’t poo. But then again, I don’t live in Australia and am technically only half a woman. And am only half-alive. So that’s only one-quarter living woman with the potential to poo.

      Nov 30, 2009 at 5:15 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.10   park rose bang

      aaa, I think that tip number 3 might be for you and all the glittery living dead out there:

      Try not to get constipated – this is when your “poo”
      is too hard or you have to push to get it out.

      Oh, GG, ‘ess it is, then ;) or maybe eekess.

      Nov 30, 2009 at 5:29 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.11   Critical Grass bang

      aaa, I gotta meet you.

      Nov 30, 2009 at 6:01 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.12   aaa bang

      :D

      Nov 30, 2009 at 8:21 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #31   Havingfitz

    Oh, great, NOW you tell me. Do you have any idea how hard that was to wrap???

    Nov 30, 2009 at 6:48 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #32   Mo®

    He sees you when your shitting, he knows when you don’t flush….♬

    Nov 30, 2009 at 7:24 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #32.1   park rose bang

      ♪ You better not play with it, or it will turn to mush, hey! ♫

      Nov 30, 2009 at 7:29 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #33   Susannie

    What’s up with all the poo PAN’s posted these days? I almost don’t come here during lunch hour. Almost :)

    Nov 30, 2009 at 7:29 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #34   Critical Grass bang

    I think it’s the intent that counts. Look at the beautiful porcelain wrap. The giver obviously put a lot of …er… effort thought into that gift.

    Nov 30, 2009 at 9:33 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #34.1   Mo®

      Aw and with a warm water squirty hose too! They really care!

      Nov 30, 2009 at 12:05 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #35   aaa bang

    But make sure you close the lid before you flush in order to keep the spray of fecal mist from penetrating your body and cutting straight into your soul (Which happens to be your mitochondria. Science totally says so.)

    Nov 30, 2009 at 5:11 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #35.1   Palomon bang

      Turns out The Force is with you if it’s coded in yer mitichondria. Does it go dark if poo mist gets into yer cells?
      God, Lucas sucks.
      What were we talking about?
      Oh, yeah. Thought I strayed off subject for a second, but we’re OK.

      Nov 30, 2009 at 9:47 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #36   Canthz_B bang

    This year I swear I won’t call the argyle sweater my sister is sure to send a shitty gift.
    It sure beats the real thing. Maybe the Raccoon Lodge will have another 50′s party.

    Nov 30, 2009 at 9:02 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #36.1   Critical Grass bang

      Argyle sweater?! How Vintage of your sister. But really, argyle sweaters are very in right now, you should wear them with skinny jeans and All Star shoes.

      Nov 30, 2009 at 9:59 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #36.2   Canthz_B bang

      LOL, any jeans I wear end up being skinny! :lol:

      Nov 30, 2009 at 10:30 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #37   Palomon bang

    Anyone read or seen _Running With Scissors_?
    Rememebr the shrink who scooped his poo out of the bowl because he thought it was a message from god?
    Puts the whole not flushing in perspective, eh?

    Nov 30, 2009 at 9:51 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #38   Your “Brown Friends” | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com — funny (if not necessarily "passive-aggressive") notes from pissed-off people

    [...] has a penchant for confusing euphemisms for bodily [...]

    Apr 13, 2010 at 5:02 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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