As an early holiday gift to you, I present the current leading candidate in the race for “douchecanoe of the year”…
UPDATE: Our anonymous tipster passes along this follow-up status update, adding, “The best part about this situation is that, by posting her latest status update, she just encouraged more people to come see how rude and greedy she is!”
related: Facebook wedding drama
extra credit: DISLIKE!
140 responses so far ↓
#1
RebelKnightCSA
FIRST!
But yeah…they’re douchecanoes. I’d not give them anything.
Dec 1, 2009 at 11:13 pm rating: 90
#2
Sarah
I’ll hop right on down to the local ‘Bed, Bath and Whatabitch’ store and get you a nice punch to the ovaries. How does that sound?
Dec 1, 2009 at 11:17 pm rating: 90
#3
Canthz_B
Doesn’t Shoshana know that small gifts are appropriate for small-minded people?
She should feel blessed to have friends who know her so well.
Dec 1, 2009 at 11:23 pm rating: 90
#4
Timmy
What a gift whore!
How about a big pile of crap in a paper bag?
Happy F’ing Wedding!
Dec 1, 2009 at 11:26 pm rating: 90
#5
Maverick
Jesus, entitled much?
Dec 1, 2009 at 11:28 pm rating: 90
#6
JetJackson
ummmm, ahhhh, ummmm, ummmm….
Spit it out fucktard!
Dec 1, 2009 at 11:29 pm rating: 90
#7
Canthz_B
“Honey, the food processor isn’t working.”
“The blender and juicer are on the fritz too.”
“Let’s renew our vows.”
“What?! With ‘friends’ like ours?!”
“Can’t you just Facebook them that we need shit? Network it, Baby…Network your ass off!”
Dec 1, 2009 at 11:30 pm rating: 90
#8
crumplet
I look foward to seeing this on Lamebook too
Dec 1, 2009 at 11:32 pm rating: 90
#9
JetJackson
I don’t think she realises how much it took her “friends” to give the gift of friendship.
Dec 1, 2009 at 11:32 pm rating: 90
#10
marky mark
hmm name is shoshanna, someone says mazel tov and she feels like the world owes her expensive presents. the cheap jew stereotype is all too true.
Dec 1, 2009 at 11:35 pm rating: 90
#11
Canthz_B
I’ll send her a fat check (cheque). Of course, it will be from my ex-wife’s now defunct bank account, but it will have a beautiful Precious Moments background and be made out for an insanely large sum.
Suitable for framing, I think.
Dec 1, 2009 at 11:40 pm rating: 90
#12
Quinn
The S.S. Douchebaggery is moving through – all aboard!!
Dec 1, 2009 at 11:41 pm rating: 90
#13
Neeners
Hey Shoshanass! Don’t know if you’ve noticed but there’s a g.d. recession going on. Do ya think that maybe someone might be more worried about making their mortgage payment and keeping their kids in diapers than buying that espresso machine you put on your registry at Nordstrom’s? No wonder your friends don’t get you anything, I think they’ve deserted you.
Dec 1, 2009 at 11:42 pm rating: 90
#14
bob loblaw.
For how fucking awful she seems, I’d say the gift of friendship is actually the biggest gift of all. If I were someone she knew, I’d rather shell out wads of cash than ever have to be this twat’s friend.
Dec 1, 2009 at 11:46 pm rating: 90
#15
Kleo
You know, if I saw that, I’d run out to Borders and pick up a Miss Manners book for her, delivered with a suitably sarcastic card.
Dec 1, 2009 at 11:50 pm rating: 90
#16
aaa
I think I’d get them a gift. But then again, my idea of a gift suited for materialistic, entitled douchecanoes is crapping in a box, wrapping it up in really nice paper, and sending it to them in the mail.
Dec 1, 2009 at 11:53 pm rating: 90
#17
e
I’d likely go to the park and pick up a good deal of dog shit and put it in a box from Tiffany’s and mail it to them. If I wasn’t invited (to wedding one or wedding two…) and she wrote that on her Facebook, I’d do her the honor of filling the box myself.
Dec 1, 2009 at 11:57 pm rating: 90
#18
Seanette
Makes you wonder just what this selfish brat thinks a wedding is.
Normal adult: “My wedding: celebrating the start of my marriage and the life my spouse and I will have together.”
Shoshanna: “My wedding: I’m the queen, you MUST bow down to me and pay tribute selected from the overpriced luxury clutter I registered for and I don’t care if you can pay your bills this month. You OWE me the material goods of my choosing for the privilege of knowing me.”
Dec 2, 2009 at 12:10 am rating: 90
#19
Neeners
Is it proper to ask for wedding gifts twice if you didn’t get something the first time? Why didn’t someone tell me this when I got married? I completely missed out on that concept, (being sensitive enough to not ask for shit I don’t need.)
Someone set up one of those damn money trees at our wedding without asking. It looked like Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree it was so sparse. But hey, we were smart enough to take a hint.
Dec 2, 2009 at 12:10 am rating: 90
#20
JetJackson
All I can think of is Colonel Hans Landa…
“Au revoir, Shosanna! Till we meet again!”
If it were this Shoshanna I’d be on Team pull the trigger.
Dec 2, 2009 at 12:11 am rating: 90
#21
thedaniel
that’s really big of them that they’ll still accept gifts from their “friends” who didn’t give them anything tangible the first time around. i think if i was one of their “friends” i might give them a gold medal honoring their tact.
Dec 2, 2009 at 12:14 am rating: 90
#22
aaa
Looks like Shoshanna could stand a trip over to Etiquette Hell.
Dec 2, 2009 at 12:19 am rating: 90
#23
Nini
Wow… greedy much, Shoshannass? Sounds like Mommy and Daddy turned someone into a rude, demanding, insufferable biotch.
The gift of friendship, so lame…
Dec 2, 2009 at 1:07 am rating: 90
#24
Nini
Oh and I hope someone posts this link to her facebook
Dec 2, 2009 at 1:09 am rating: 90
#25
TheOldSchool
The “Ove Glove” now comes with nonslip silicone grips, and it’s machine washable. That might make a nice gift (assuming the newlyweds both enjoy cooking meals at home).
Dec 2, 2009 at 1:16 am rating: 90
#26
Anna
Oh, she’s seen it before on STFU Marrieds… she actually asked me (under an alternym of course!) how I’d feel if people didn’t give me any presents on my big day (I’d actually be OK with it. There’s only so much silverware and dishes one really needs) and was all defensive and butt-hurt that we dared to call her out for the selfish bitch she is. I mean this bitch is like mid-30′s!LOL she doesn’t realize when some of us strike out on our own, we buy OURSELVES those fancy appliances.
Dec 2, 2009 at 1:17 am rating: 90
#27
lili
tacky tacky, jewish princess! you’d think your parents would’ve taught you how to at least fake friendship when trying to swindle cash and gifts since they spent so much time spoiling you!
at least her friends now have an excuse not to go to her wedding!
Dec 2, 2009 at 1:45 am rating: 90
#28
James
Wait a minute…
Forgive me if this has already come up in the comments, but I just discovered that since October 18, Kerry seems to have discovered Caps.
Right?… RIGHT!?
Dec 2, 2009 at 3:10 am rating: 90
#29
ghostbuck
Gee Shoshanna…
First, sorry about the name. I’m sure it explains a lot about your personality issues. Parents can be so cruel.
Second, I’d be happy to send you a present, but here’s the catch, I want it back. See, I know there is no guy on this earth who is going to stay with your greedy and shrill ass more than a few months so I’d like you to return it when he walks out? ‘K?
Congratulations on your first husband!
Dec 2, 2009 at 4:05 am rating: 90
#30
Gavin
Dear Shoshana,
It appears that you are not content with the return on capital invested on your first venture – congratulations on securing yourself a second shot at it though.
To maximise profits this time round you can save yourself on overheads by reducing the number you’re catering for. Since there is not enough to gain from my ‘gift of friendship’, I will no longer be affording you this hence forth.
I hope you will have piece of mind this time round to enjoy a wedding. It would appear that a wedding to you is more about what personal gain than the groom, or your friends.
Wishing you a profitable wedding, and a fortunate divorce,
Dec 2, 2009 at 4:38 am rating: 90
#31
Renagade676
She should be happy she gets any gifts. A friend of mine’s grandmother was so cheap, she gave her grandson and his bride an alluminum roasting pan for a wedding gift.
No, she wasn’t senile.
I’d have a hard time resisting the urge to tell shoshana”I was waiting for the next one, knowing you and your ‘sunny and selfless’ personality. You know what they say, third time’s a charm!”
Dec 2, 2009 at 4:54 am rating: 90
#32
Sarah
I think by “first time around” she means the engagement. So she’s not even married yet and already complaining that she hasn’t got enough presents.
Dec 2, 2009 at 5:08 am rating: 90
#33
cyntae
I’d give ‘em something, all right. How about a clue and a reality check on that sense of entitlement?
Dec 2, 2009 at 5:43 am rating: 90
#34
anglophile
Oh, how I hope she is registered at Regretsy.
Dec 2, 2009 at 6:19 am rating: 90
#35
Havingfitz
What I wouldn’t give to have some random guy burst into the ceremony hysterically crying, point at the groom, and yell “You said you were leaving her! You said you’d tell her the truth about us! I hate you, you bitch!”
Dec 2, 2009 at 7:14 am rating: 90
#36
Critical Grass
Her boyfriend/fiancè/husband is so lucky to have her… Imagine all the naggind and psychological abuse she puts him through. Ah, how I miss married life.
Dec 2, 2009 at 8:02 am rating: 90
#37
Lunakitty
I know exactly what to give her – a selfish b**ch cake.
Dec 2, 2009 at 8:31 am rating: 90
#38
unholyghost2003
I would wait until I was invited over to
be slave laborhave a girl party and wrap hundreds of wedding favors and then take back any gift I had previously given. if my friendship (and labor/skills) are not enough I have plenty of use for that wand blender at my own house!Dec 2, 2009 at 8:57 am rating: 90
#39
laurie
Want money, Shoshana? Let me write you a check for $5.
Dec 2, 2009 at 9:47 am rating: 90
#40
Feh!
“Douchecanoe”? Nah. I’m pretty sure the appropriate phrase here is “ungrateful and greedy cunt”.
Dec 2, 2009 at 10:44 am rating: 90
#41
Nikki
Maybe they didn’t give you any gifts because you’re a BITCH and they could think of millions of better ways to use their money – like to start a fire.
Dec 2, 2009 at 12:38 pm rating: 90
#42
ShockedISay
The tackiness of Shoshana’s request left me literally breathless! As a honest-to-goodness Southern debutante (OK, it was once upon a time and I was snarky and subversive even then), I am absolutely mortified that she is not mortified by her behavior! Who lives like this and thinks it’s OK? Great yikes!
Oh, and I confess, IMMEDIATELY after reading her request, I wanted to call someone who knows her and gossip about her and how tacky she is.
Is that wrong?
Dec 2, 2009 at 12:45 pm rating: 90
#43
OKCancel
“Divorce for Dummies” always makes a great wedding gift.
Dec 2, 2009 at 12:52 pm rating: 90
#44
N/A
If only facebook had been around when I got married, I could have guilted so many people in to getting me gifts.
Really the lack of gifts didn’t bother me all that much, it was only the people who couldn’t be bothered buying a card or even saying congratulations that bugged me. What kind of loser goes to a wedding and just sits around getting drunk without even saying hi to the happy couple?
Dec 2, 2009 at 1:05 pm rating: 90
#45
RS
Is this a repost, or am I insane? (I’m pretty sure it’s one or the other.)
Dec 2, 2009 at 1:13 pm rating: 90
#46
Geek Goddess
!
Dec 2, 2009 at 10:22 pm rating: 90
#47
Monica
Shoshana gives the word “bitch” a new dimension.
Dec 3, 2009 at 7:20 pm rating: 90
#48
YorkPeppermintPattie
It’s a Jew thing.
Dec 3, 2009 at 10:06 pm rating: 90
#49 Deny a man his web comics? How dare you. | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com
[...] Shoshana, it looks like you have some competition. [...]
Dec 3, 2009 at 10:16 pm rating: 90
#50
eslinger
Just wanna note that “cuntkayak” is another winner version of “douchecanoe.” There’s another term involving the word “schooner” that an acquaintance of mine created last month, but I’ve yet to remember it. I won’t take credit for the creation of “cuntkayak,” but I will definitely take credit for the inspiration for its creation. Will try to recall (or find out) the “schooner” term in the meantime.
Dec 4, 2009 at 4:15 am rating: 90
#51
Grant
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/oxfordshire/8394986.stm
Yeah, my heart bleeds for you both.
Dec 4, 2009 at 8:48 am rating: 90
#52
My Baby Sweetness
That is AWESOME!
My closest experience on this front was I got a wedding invite with a note that the couple “graciously prefers monetary gifts.” We went to the wedding and brought them a gift (not of the monetary variety because – whatever!) and recently got the thank you note. It was pre-printed – except not exactly… a typed note was cut out (badly) and pasted inside their stationary. It read – we’re sorry you couldn’t make it to the reception, but thank you for your generous gift. The killer, here – we WERE at the reception. We congratulated them, we danced – so much so that the DJ even dedicated a song to my husband (well, it was play that funky music, white boy, but still!).
Dec 4, 2009 at 9:40 am rating: 90
#53
Paula
There are lots of really great finds at the Goodwill or Salvation Army stores that would make a lovely wedding present for such a spoiled brat.
Dec 4, 2009 at 12:25 pm rating: 90
#54
BRANE
I suffered through these comments and noted that nobody pointed out how terribly passive aggressive it is to post her facebook status on a website in the first place. Shoshana is a greedy bitch , but I find it ironic that the response to an aggressive-aggressive action is a passive-aggressive action.
By the way YOU SUCK to the people who post 10 comments on EVERY post, mostly just talking to each other. You know who you are
Dec 8, 2009 at 8:35 am rating: 90
#55
Hmmm
The joke is on whoever Shoshanna is. This isn’t the only site where her status has been posted.
Dec 8, 2009 at 10:39 pm rating: 90
#56
Angfucious
ummmmmmmmmmm…wow…………..ummmmmmmmm….I’m one of those people that…. ummmmmmmmmmm…. can’t be silent and have to fill the void with … ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…noise.
Dec 9, 2009 at 7:53 am rating: 90
#57
hmmm
actually I know her and this is ridiculous. How would you like it if a status of yours got sent to this website for everyone to see and make fun of?
The person who did it doesn’t even know her, that’s why her REAL friends don’t care and we think it’s hilarious because all of you assholes on here have the totally wrong view of the situation.
Dec 9, 2009 at 9:37 am rating: 90
#58
hmmm
No, maybe if you knew her then you would know about the situation. So why take something out of context and then post it all over the internet.
See all of you on this website commenting on this and laughing at someone elses expense will one day have it happen to you and then you won’t find it as funny.
Dec 9, 2009 at 9:50 am rating: 90
#59
jinx
I love how she has no problems with her friends and family seeing she’s a selfish bitch, but millions of strangers knowing certainly seems to piss her off.
Kinda suprised her status update wasn’t she got dumped…
Dec 9, 2009 at 10:21 am rating: 90
#60
listgirl3
I’m sorry, but it doesn’t matter if you know her or not, if there’s some magical situation or not – no one should ever ask for gifts for a wedding like she did, ever. If you are going to publicly post something as dumb as that on the internet, then you have to be aware that it may end up being the joke of the day somewhere else.
If you don’t want it posted on the front page of the Tribune, don’t put it on the internet (or in an email)…little rule of thumb
Dec 9, 2009 at 12:29 pm rating: 90
#61 Stand down, wedding guests | Humour Unlimited
[…] related: The bride will be accepting gifts […]
Jul 22, 2014 at 7:46 am rating: 90
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