Our anonymous submitter in Canada says his apartment building has been having some crime issues lately that has the residents all aflutter — resulting (according to the following note) in a modern-day witch hunt…Canadian-style!
Jay darling, I think everybody in your building owes you a big fat hug.
related: on jamming
219 responses so far ↓
#1
Greg
What a non-jerk.
Dec 7, 2009 at 7:19 pm rating: +45
#2
Nelly
Hey, I want an escape goat too!!!
Dec 7, 2009 at 7:29 pm rating: +28
#3
joann
OMG! Escape Goat!!! LMFAO!
Dec 7, 2009 at 7:32 pm rating: +14
#4
Shannon
“Escape Goat” made me bust a gut. That has to be the best misused phrase I’ve ever seen.
Dec 7, 2009 at 7:32 pm rating: +11
#5
leftfoot
Canadians are such assholes.
Dec 7, 2009 at 7:34 pm rating: +7
#6
Escape Goat
P.S. I love trading binoculars (wink wink) … you can put your weed in there.
P.P.S. I hate commas.
–The Escape Goat
Dec 7, 2009 at 7:35 pm rating: +16
#7
Sonja
escape goat!!!
Dec 7, 2009 at 7:36 pm rating: +3
#8
jinx
While I believe he’s not a drug dealer, the random capitolization seems to show he is on drugs.
Team poodle owner, because poodles are awesome. (I also think he’s a druggie, because he couldn’t id the lady besides saying she had a tan poodle?! Seems like a scene outta Pineapple Express. Good cop: What did she look like? Dale: She had a poodle. A tan one!)
Dec 7, 2009 at 7:36 pm rating: +3
#9
Loser
When the tan poodle pees, does he get the Curse of Tan Fur? That is, no matter how he shakes and rants, do the last two drops go in the–well, I’m sure he doesn’t wear PANTS, but what I’m getting at is, does he get a great dark stain on his crotch, after he relieves himself?
Dec 7, 2009 at 7:40 pm rating: +11
#10
Tim Kolb
Tattooed Dude,
A word of advice. Keep your weed away from the escaped goat!
Dec 7, 2009 at 7:41 pm rating: +6
#11
Phroot
I’m guessing he typed this up in MS Word and it changed “scape” to “escape” without asking. It does that all the time.
Either that or he’s the one buying the drugs. However, I completely believe that he’s not a drug dealer.
Dec 7, 2009 at 7:43 pm rating: +3
#12
jinx
I have to wonder if the tan poodle was trained to find drugers. Maybe that’s why the owner said that…
Dec 7, 2009 at 7:44 pm rating: +3
#13
Critical Grass
I wanna hug the tattooed guy. Am I the only one?
Dec 7, 2009 at 8:02 pm rating: +9
#14
milena
I think he does deal, he just doesn’t do it in front of his building. He delivers, out of consideration to his neighbors… (or his Canadian neighbours).
Dec 7, 2009 at 8:03 pm rating: 0
#15
PeaceLoveFood
With all those first offs, I sense a second missive in the works.
Watch for the next exciting rendition of The Tattooed Escape Goat in an elevator near you! It will include the second thing Jay resents about the lady with the tan poodle, the real story about the Hornby door, and a big surprise from the 7th floor!
Dec 7, 2009 at 8:04 pm rating: +6
#16
Nick Noehm
“have alot of tattoo’s” … ?
Finish your sentence, Jay … you have a lot of his what?
Where exactly were you, Jay, on the night that Hervé “committed suicide”?
Dec 7, 2009 at 8:12 pm rating: +6
#17
JetJackson
I think his first mistake was talking to the poodle.
Dec 7, 2009 at 8:13 pm rating: +18
#18
Larry Lard
As well as the delightful ‘escape goat’ already much commented, we also have ‘7 in the morn’, which is the kind of phrasing that deserves a much greater currency than it currently enjoys.
This guy isn’t even slightly aggressive! Why is he on PAN?
Dec 7, 2009 at 8:14 pm rating: +6
#19
pony girl
He was talking to a poodle.
Big surprise that people think he’s a bit scary.
To the lady with the tan poodle I was talking to in the elevator…
———Sorry JJ!! I suck at PAN!!—–
Dec 7, 2009 at 8:15 pm rating: +6
#20
crumplet
Damn right, if Jay was not a jerk I SURE AS HELL think he would not give a poodle about one random lady in the building spreading rumours about him.
Dec 7, 2009 at 8:18 pm rating: +1
#21
Canthz_B
I’ll have to read this one again later, as I seem to have dropped through a time warp on the first try.
How many “first off”s are we allowed again?
I’ll have to read this one again later, as I seem to have dropped through a time warp on the first try.
Dec 7, 2009 at 8:18 pm rating: +7
#22
lightspeedchick
“So long story short”
… too late.
Dec 7, 2009 at 8:33 pm rating: +18
#23
Simonty
Is Jay trying to imply that being in your late thirties with tattoos makes you more suss than say a person in their 20s with tattoos?
Dec 7, 2009 at 8:34 pm rating: +2
#24
se
I am wondering which finger the people in his building are pointing at him
Dec 7, 2009 at 8:41 pm rating: +10
#25
RigaToni
The Canadian version of Air Force One totally has an “escape goat”.
Dec 7, 2009 at 9:34 pm rating: +1
#26
Palomon
I make a living forming mutton into sculpture while straitjacketed.
I’m an escape goat artisit.
Dec 7, 2009 at 9:47 pm rating: +5
#27
Canthz_B
Never write a PA note shortly after watching a Beverly Hillbillies marathon.
Ellie Mae’s escape goat is always getting Granny’s goat and it’s hard to get off your mind!
Dec 7, 2009 at 9:49 pm rating: +2
#28
farcical aquatic ceremony
Team Jay–elevator lady’s probably the drug dealer, hiding stash in those poofy hair balls poodle owners insist on sculpting on their poor dogs.
Dec 7, 2009 at 9:52 pm rating: +4
#29
Geek Goddess
Poodle
Minimum Wage
Parental Controls
Suggestion Box
Mass Email
Trampoline
Call Center
Genital Warts
Goddess
What do these have in common?
No, no, besides that!
They are the list of Snap Linkads just above the responses, when I opened this page just now.
Are y’all following me or something?
Dec 7, 2009 at 11:19 pm rating: +4
#30
Palomon
Poodle, Minimum Wage, Parental Controls, Suggestion Box, Mass Email, Trampoline, Call Center, Genital Warts, Goddess, Lenny Bruce is not afraid…
Dec 7, 2009 at 11:43 pm rating: +8
#31
AuntyBron
Canada has drug dealers?
Dec 7, 2009 at 11:51 pm rating: +3
#32
park rose
Those damn lying tan poodles! Sorry if someone’s posted it already. I’ve got to hit and run.
Yep, I see that JJ beat me to it way on up. No surprise, really. And then PG – but I brought the lying into it.
Dec 8, 2009 at 1:02 am rating: +5
#33
Hessia
I would have responded with TLDR: Too Long Didn’t Read.
But seriously, how is it passive aggressive? I would write a similar note like this if people in my building accused me of being a drug dealer too. That’s far more passive aggressive than the note.
Dec 8, 2009 at 1:33 am rating: +1
#34
forum Brera
How much money would I need to save for a holiday in the Caribbean?
Dec 8, 2009 at 2:44 am rating: 0
#35
MSD
FIRST OFF you’re not going to clear the air with an escape goat.
Dec 8, 2009 at 2:59 am rating: +4
#36
park rose
If Jay is being labeled with the former tenants from the seventh floor, I’d be very, very, wary if I were him. That lady with the tan poodle and the rest of the apartment block know how to take care of trouble makers. It’s a sticker business.
Dec 8, 2009 at 3:39 am rating: +3
#37
Gavin
That escape goat was fucking delicious?
Dec 8, 2009 at 4:14 am rating: +2
#38
Chris
Actually, the word “scapegoat” is a bastardization of “escape goat”
From wikipedia: “The word “Scapegoat” is a mistranslation of the word Azazel (In Hebrew: עזאזל) originated by William Tyndale in his 1530 Bible, and appropriated in the King James Version of the Bible (Leviticus chapter 16) in 1611. Confounded by the word, Tyndale had interpreted Azazel as ez ozel – literally, “the goat that departs”; hence “(e)scape goat.”
Dec 8, 2009 at 7:59 am rating: +3
#39
mel
Hmm… one should find out what/where this goat is escaping from. Perhaps a life of drug-influenced metal munching? Fetished tan poodle head butting? Choose friends carefully. They can bring you down.
Dec 8, 2009 at 8:16 am rating: +2
#40
Geek Goddess
Early morn door check
Problems on the Hornby side
Cops come by; busted!
Dec 8, 2009 at 1:15 pm rating: +3
#41
Ach my high horse
The scape (or possibly escape) goat was not the one that was sacrificed but the one that was left to wander off into the wilderness because there would be two Goats one to sacrifice and one to send off….
but honestly I know It was probably a waste of time reading that. Jewish religious ceremony’s of that period were just plain weird “wave offering” burnt offering, sin offering, guilt offering, offering for sins that you don’t know you have committed and of course the bit of Leviticus that is never remembered its ok to sell your daughter into slavery for twenty bits of silver if your broke….. The thing is If you wanted to really find weird stuff in the bible things written as laws for the tribe of Levi Is a very good place to start….
I’M really sorry if you read all that I should learn that really doesn’t matter all that much
Dec 8, 2009 at 1:22 pm rating: +2
#42
Agent Cooper
Escape goat, made my day…made my life!
Dec 8, 2009 at 2:58 pm rating: 0
#43
missballah3rg
Watch out everyone there is an ‘escape goat’ on the loose….!! Everyone please remain indoors until the goat can be apprehended. Thank you for your cooperation.
Management.
Dec 8, 2009 at 5:27 pm rating: +1
#44
bcteagirl
My firefox tab keeps shortening this title to ‘escape poo’….
Dec 8, 2009 at 11:44 pm rating: +5
#45
Ach my high horse
PAN pipes?
Scary thought and darn right disturbing image….
Dec 9, 2009 at 5:12 am rating: 0
#46
Renagade676
As messed up as the note is, I feel the guy’s pain.
I have tattoos, multiple piercings, and like to dye my hair different colors from the norm.
So naturally an ex neighbor was telling people that I was doing drugs one day, and telling people I was sleeping around the next. Which was funny, because I rarely had visitors more than once a month.
Suffice to say, I was glad to move away.
Dec 9, 2009 at 6:41 am rating: +1
#47
MOMMYDEAREST
I want to marry Jay now. The rest of you have broken my heart by not showing up to our mass wedding.
Dec 9, 2009 at 10:25 am rating: +1
#48
YO-dysseus
“IT is not fair by any means”
Someone send the IT dept. up there already..
Sheesh.
Dec 9, 2009 at 3:12 pm rating: 0
#49
Beth
First off, does anybody find it strange that someone would type out an entire message like this using mostly full words but consistently feel the need to abbreviate “morning”?
First off, “escape goat”? Amazing.
First off, it is approximately as appropriate to use the term ‘first off’ several times in one message as it is to say ‘long story short’ in the seventh paragraph of such message.
Dec 9, 2009 at 3:27 pm rating: +1
#50
Frodux
Why was he talking to the poodle in the elevator?
Dec 10, 2009 at 2:17 am rating: 0
#51
Ryan
I don’t know… this letter seems fairly aggressive (as in, dealing with the rumors) and not so much passive. I don’t think it qualifies for this website.
Dec 10, 2009 at 3:07 pm rating: 0
#52
JuneBug
I guess, he really should have thought harder before getting his “Got Drugs?” tattoo.
Dec 13, 2009 at 9:43 am rating: +1
#53
vancouver drug dealer
This note is obviously from downtown Vancouver (he refers to Hornby St, near where I live). I have only this to say: Where ISN’T there drug dealing in downtown Vancouver? Hell, it should be an Olympic sport, we’d clean up.
Dec 16, 2009 at 1:35 am rating: 0
#54
mtc
Who needs a helicopter or fast motorbike when you could get away in style on an escape goat?
Dec 22, 2009 at 9:10 pm rating: 0
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