As this note from Columbus, Ohio demonstrates, ’tis the season to be hilariously self-righteous!
related: All I want for Christmas
extra credit: Baby Jesus Theft [Wikipedia]
Roundup of stolen Baby Jesus reports [Wonkette]
Baby Jesus found! [FOUND Magazine]
214 responses so far ↓
#1
gee whiskey
delicious Lean Cuisine’s (yes possessive)
Dec 16, 2009 at 10:57 am rating: 90
#2
Mpfff
The hideous spellings were fucking delicious.
Dec 16, 2009 at 10:59 am rating: 90
#3
gee whiskey
Actually, Mpfff, I found them unnacceptable and dissapointing
Dec 16, 2009 at 11:01 am rating: 90
#4
Jenna
Yeah, well I do detest those that steal food that doesn’t belong to them, but the time of year doesn’t matter & I also know people who would “steal baby jesus” out of someone’s front yard nativity scene just for giggles (usually to replace it with something else like a stuffed dog or something)
Of course, worse to me is the co-worker who not only ate my salad from the fridge, but then criticized it for not being very good.
Dec 16, 2009 at 11:01 am rating: 90
#5
M.
Argh. “yes, plural?”
If it were plural, and she felt the need to emphasize its plurality, perhaps she should have known better than to use AN APOSTROPHE!
Dec 16, 2009 at 11:01 am rating: 90
#6
unholyghost2003
Ummm I think the right term would be “kidnapped baby Jesus”
Dec 16, 2009 at 11:04 am rating: 90
#7
Annie
i thought those little k’s in “taKing” were X’s, and i was wondering what taxing frozen food had to do with kidnapping the baby jesus.
I find it really difficult to take bubbly handwriting seriously.
Dec 16, 2009 at 11:05 am rating: 90
#8
Laura
Taking their delicious Lean Cuisine’s… what? Autonomy?
Damn microwaveable dinners are always too lazy to write their own PA notes.
Dec 16, 2009 at 11:08 am rating: 90
#9
Mo®
Ah a “Lump of Cole” is a delicious porter.
Dec 16, 2009 at 11:11 am rating: 90
#10
Neeners
And far worse…..What if I had stolen Baby Jesus’s Lean Cuisine? He likes the Orange Chicken Lean Cuisine I hear. It’s filling yet it won’t weigh Him down on those long treks across the desert.
Dec 16, 2009 at 11:12 am rating: 90
#11
QuarterRoy00
So let me get this straight… Multiple Lean Cuisines = Baby Jesus in terms of the ability to ruin Christmas
Dec 16, 2009 at 11:13 am rating: 90
#12
farcical aquatic ceremony
“So, what do they call you, sweetie?”
“Jesus. But you can just call me Baby.” (pls. use Barry White voice for maximum creepitude)
Dec 16, 2009 at 11:14 am rating: 90
#13
farcical aquatic ceremony
What a pointless note, since no theft took place. (“Delicious Lean Cuisine’s (sic)” exist only in the imagination of the forlorn dieter.)
Dec 16, 2009 at 11:15 am rating: 90
#14
Izze
Wow… This is grand! I have always wanted something to compare Jesus to! I thought that there was nothing on earth, but perhaps Lean Cuisine is the only thing as perfect as him! Now I shall always think of Baby Jesus whenever I see a Lean Cuisine… Heck, Maybe they should start using him in their commercials!
Dec 16, 2009 at 11:18 am rating: 90
#15
Beanster
because “your holiday”, and not “the entire christian faith”, would be what is at stake if baby jesus were stolen
Dec 16, 2009 at 11:24 am rating: 90
#16
edicius
And what if the Christians had stolen the season of Dies Natalis Invicti Solis?
Oh, wait…
Dec 16, 2009 at 11:27 am rating: 90
#17
Neeners
Perhaps the ‘stealer’ is Muslim, Buddhist, or an atheist (do we use caps on atheists?) anyway…. in which case what do they care if they steal the ‘delicious’ Lean Cuisine or the Baby Jesus? Oh wait, they usually hold themselves to a higher moral code than most Christians, so it couldn’t have been them…… wait I’m so confused
Dec 16, 2009 at 11:28 am rating: 90
#18
Ali
I hear if you go to the fire sale at the Baptist bookstore, you can clean them out of baby jesuses from mismatched manger scenes.
Dec 16, 2009 at 11:34 am rating: 90
#19
AuntyBron
So, if the thief might suffer from salmonella – presumably from the purloined “food” – why would the notewriter be upset that it’s missing?
Dec 16, 2009 at 11:38 am rating: 90
#20
Beanster
so i think i get that the “baby jesus” in question is most likely made of plastic, but i like imagining a dramatic scene
* the virgin mary and joseph have drifted off to sleep, leaving baby jesus under the watchful eye of molly, the cow.
meanwhile, a group of shepherds, after being told by angels that the saviour of the world has been born, realize the opportunity that has been dropped in their laps. “kidnap the kid,” they think, “and with the ransom we can finally get our asses out of this foul smelling sheep racket.”
after a quick trip to the living quarters to grab their wives’/lesbian lovers’ (these are equal opportunity shepherds, albeit morally corrupted) nylons to pull over their faces as a disguise, they creep into the stable and snatch the baby jesus, remaining only long enough to drop this note:
“bAbY Jesus = 1,000,000 denarius
DrOp here 2morO” *
Dec 16, 2009 at 11:42 am rating: 90
#21
jakeneff
I love that not only is the ” ‘s” at the end of Lean Cuisine an afterthought, but it’s also completely wrong.
Dec 16, 2009 at 11:47 am rating: 90
#22
Kay
the bible would have been a more interesting read if someone HAD stolen baby jesus. Just saying, the movies would be better…
Dec 16, 2009 at 11:54 am rating: 90
#23
Agent Cooper
Wait, do Lean Cuisines typically cause salmonella? Why is she eating them then? The thief did her a public service.
Dec 16, 2009 at 12:01 pm rating: 90
#24
adam
Lean Cuisines are terrible. Get a real tv dinner!
Dec 16, 2009 at 12:08 pm rating: 90
#25
Wade
“Taxing” things that do not belong to you is very appropriate for the Christmas season.
Why do you think Caesar Augustus was conducting a census?
Dec 16, 2009 at 12:38 pm rating: 90
#26
Wade
I have seen thief misspelled “theif” more than once on this site (including the cover of Kerry’s book).
But spelling it “Fheif” takes it to new heights (or, more accurately, depths).
Dec 16, 2009 at 1:01 pm rating: 90
#27
fan
“But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find
fit throughit” Matthew 7:14.Be a shame to walk that long lonely road just to find I couldn’t get my fat ass through the gate upon arrival. Stealing can be forgiven. Not fitting through that skinny gate at the end of the road…. the horror, the shame, stealin’ is nothin.
Dec 16, 2009 at 1:26 pm rating: 90
#28
bowloftoast
Maybe they took the Lean Cuisines to give them to Baby Jesus as a birthday present.
Gold, Myrrh, Frankincense – pretty boring – but a nice vegetable lasagna? Saviorific (and healthy too).
Dec 16, 2009 at 1:57 pm rating: 90
#29
jjjj
“what if someone like you”
Apparently it’s okay to steal baby Jesus as long as it’s not someone like you.
However, even if someone else has stolen the BJ, it’s still the Lean Cuisine eater who would have ruined the “whole holiday”. Not just that part of the holiday and apparently worldwide.
I also love the gratuitous use of “I mean” because
a) Ohhhh, THIS is what you mean. See, I though you meant _________
b) It’s what makes it P/A
The comments earned my chuckles because I too immediately thought of Cole Porter as being the referenced Cole.
Dec 16, 2009 at 2:24 pm rating: 90
#30
pony girl
This person seems to have added a new letter to the English alphabet. (the T f combination in the last word)
Oh, and thanks Phral?
What is that?
Dec 16, 2009 at 2:30 pm rating: 90
#31
pony girl
*goes out to backyard and burns pile of frozen lean cuisine’s in a righteous huff..thou shall not compare them to Jesus!!!!*
ps – i’m doing it wrong.
again.
i will now put myself in self-exile.
Dec 16, 2009 at 2:37 pm rating: 90
#32
aaa
You suck at English
Stealing humans (kidnapping)
Happy Festivus
Dec 16, 2009 at 2:39 pm rating: 90
#33
Jennifer
Nobody puts baby Jesus in a corner (after the kidnapping…or is it saviornapping…of course).
Dec 16, 2009 at 4:23 pm rating: 90
#34
infant tyrone
Forgive = Divine
Err = Human
Prophesying a Lump of Cole + (Maybe) Salmonella = The Missing Link ?
Dec 16, 2009 at 4:34 pm rating: 90
#35
Snippy
Someone should tell Fhaf (the note’s author) that Paul McCartney or the estate of Michael Jackson might sue over the partially plagiarized lyrics from “Paperback Writer.”
Dec 16, 2009 at 4:36 pm rating: 90
#36
jetjackson
Hmmm personally I would have taken the Baby Jesus from the freezer. Tastes like chicken and much preferable to Lean Cuisine.
Dec 16, 2009 at 5:37 pm rating: 90
#37
Umm...
If Jesus is still a baby then somebody’s got a whole lot of editing and rewriting to do.
What exactly is note writer trying to say? That Jesus is no better than a frozen Lean Cuisine or that a Lean Cuisine is just as important as Jesus?
Dec 16, 2009 at 6:26 pm rating: 90
#38
Escape Goat
“Hey look, guys, I stole a baby Jesus … and it’s Christmas! Hahah. Funny right?”
….
“Funny … right? I mean, ha-ha funny, right?”
….
“Umm … I’m a tool?”
“Right.”
Dec 16, 2009 at 7:09 pm rating: 90
#39
park rose
A dingo took her lean cuisine!
Dec 16, 2009 at 7:23 pm rating: 90
#40
Canthz_B
I think this note contains some spelling errors.
Dec 16, 2009 at 9:30 pm rating: 90
#41
Havingfitz
Yesterday, I thought someone had stolen my fucking delicious can of Pomegranate 7-UP from the work fridge. (I’ve been waiting all year for them to start selling it again). I was fully ready to condemn them all to the bowels of hell, when I realized that upon arriving at work I had placed my precious beverage in the freezer instead of the refrigerator. It had exploded.
That is all.
Dec 16, 2009 at 10:37 pm rating: 90
#42
Frenchy
Disappointing!!!
Not dissapointing.
Sheesh, if you’re going to be self-righteous at least learn how to spell.
Dec 17, 2009 at 12:29 am rating: 90
#43
Canthz_B
DEAR SIR, (OR MADAM)?
It must have been a Madam who stole the Lean Cuisine’s (plural).
Every whorehouse I’ve ever visited (and there have been many) serves that crap!
If you want to do the Hungry Man it costs an additional $25.
Dec 17, 2009 at 12:41 am rating: 90
#44
Fherf
I assume that either a lump of Cole (Porter) or a lump of (Nat King) Cole in a stocking would smell equally bad at this point in time….more valuable on ebay than a Lean Cuisine (yes singular)…
Dec 17, 2009 at 7:26 am rating: 90
#45
unholyghost2003
Hey! In olden days a glimpse of stocking was looked on as something shocking! But now, God knows … Anything goes!
even Lean Cuisine left …
Dec 17, 2009 at 8:04 am rating: 90
#46
Otto Parts
I was going to make some comment’s (yes, plural) but a lot of you stoal my idea’s (this is plural for thoase of you who doant knoaw what an apostrophe is foar).
Dec 17, 2009 at 10:16 am rating: 90
#47
Baby Jesus
It was me.
I stole the lean cuisine’s (yes plural)
And yes, they were fucking delicious…
Dec 17, 2009 at 2:14 pm rating: 90
#48
Bruno Hauptman
“Whatta ya mean this is the wrong baby?”
“This isn’t Chuck’s kid?”
“Damn!”
Dec 17, 2009 at 10:57 pm rating: 90
#49
Bruno Hauptmann
“Whatta ya mean this is the wrong baby?”
“This isn’t Chuck’s kid?”
“Damn! I’m gonna fry for this.”
Dec 17, 2009 at 11:02 pm rating: 90
#50
iypants
Lean Cuisine theft is basically the same thing as kidnapping.
Dec 18, 2009 at 9:41 am rating: 90
#51
Megan
Nothing like dragging the Baby Jesus into some passive aggressive discourse : )
http://rawstory.com/2009/12/norris-obamacare-killed-jesus/
Dec 19, 2009 at 2:33 am rating: 90
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