“What if someone like you had stolen Baby Jesus?”

December 16th, 2009 · 214 comments

As this note from Columbus, Ohio demonstrates, ’tis the season to be hilariously self-righteous!

Dear Sir (or Madam), While taking things that do not belong to you, at any point in the year, is highly unacceptable, doing so during the Christmas season is far more dissapointing [sic]. I mean, what if someone like you had stolen Baby Jesus? You would have ruined the whole holiday instead of just mine by taking my delicious Lean Cuisines (yes plural). All I can say is that you have now doomed yourself to at best a lump of cole [sic] + at worst Salmonella! Happy Holidays, Theif [sic]!!

related: All I want for Christmas

extra credit: Baby Jesus Theft [Wikipedia]
Roundup of stolen Baby Jesus reports [Wonkette]
Baby Jesus found! [FOUND Magazine]

FILED UNDER: Christmas · Columbus · holiday spirit · i before e · Jesus · office fridge · rhetorical question · spelling and grammar police · stealing · TL;DR


214 responses so far ↓

  • #1   gee whiskey

    delicious Lean Cuisine’s (yes possessive)

    Dec 16, 2009 at 10:57 am   rating: 59  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Fridge Pirate

      mmm…. Lean Cuisines! my favorite!

      Dec 16, 2009 at 12:46 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   kdaniel

      I much prefer lumps of Cole, he is quite meaty.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 12:50 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   park rose bang

      Old King Cole was a Merry Old Sole and a Merry Old Sole was he.

      If you don’t like it, you can lump it!

      Dec 16, 2009 at 4:57 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.4   Err

      I don’t know. I’d probably be more moved if someone stole my bottle of Jack.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 5:57 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.5   emmers22

      She had to clarify that it was plural because she realized the apostrophe made that a bit confusing…

      Dec 17, 2009 at 12:12 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   Mpfff

    The hideous spellings were fucking delicious.

    Dec 16, 2009 at 10:59 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Mpfff

      Well, the Salmonella was surprisingly gamy, but it perked right up once I poured on some Tabasco.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 11:21 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   jbles

      I wonder if she means a lump of coleslaw? I would eat that myself.

      Probably tastier than any one Lean Cuisine (yes, singular).

      Dec 16, 2009 at 11:34 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.3   smacky

      Exactly what I was getting ready to say!

      Dec 18, 2009 at 10:11 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   gee whiskey bang

    Actually, Mpfff, I found them unnacceptable and dissapointing

    Dec 16, 2009 at 11:01 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Matty-Wat

      A lump of Cole? Maybe she meant “I’ve Got You Under My Skin” or “Begin the Beguine”. Either one would be fucking delicious!

      Dec 16, 2009 at 11:21 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   Matty-Wat

      Sorry GW, I didn’t mean to add this non sequitur to your thread.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 11:32 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.3   Mo® bang

      See # 9 :razz: :lol:

      Dec 16, 2009 at 1:17 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   Jenna

    Yeah, well I do detest those that steal food that doesn’t belong to them, but the time of year doesn’t matter & I also know people who would “steal baby jesus” out of someone’s front yard nativity scene just for giggles (usually to replace it with something else like a stuffed dog or something)

    Of course, worse to me is the co-worker who not only ate my salad from the fridge, but then criticized it for not being very good.

    Dec 16, 2009 at 11:01 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Car RamRod

      It sounded like this person was considering the ramifications of actually cradle-robbing the real Jesus. If this is the case, and you buy into the whole christian thing, then I would have to assume god would smite you for doing such a thing, especially since back in those days god seemed to be in much more of a smiting mood.

      As far as vandalizing peoples’ nativities goes, it sounds like good teenage fun to me. In my neighborhood in Jersey back in high school, some buddies of mine would torment this poor guy by taking his two light up reindeer and putting them into sexual positions at night. The guy never figured out to just put one reindeer out, or perhaps booby trap the lawn.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 4:11 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   Sue Do Nim

      But do you love those that steal food that does belong to them? I do.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 4:29 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.3   park rose bang

      Naughty salad! Bad salad! It’s back into the cooler for you!

      Dec 16, 2009 at 10:48 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.4   Mo®

      IT puts the dressing on it’s leaves!

      Dec 17, 2009 at 9:32 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.5   Fherf

      Or else it gets the cole again…

      Dec 17, 2009 at 11:49 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.6   smacky

      @Car RamRod – Wesboro Baptist Church wants you to know that God is still in a smiting mood and is happily smiting America on a daily basis! :)

      Dec 18, 2009 at 10:14 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.7   Mo® bang

      The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee motherfucker!

      Dec 18, 2009 at 10:57 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.8   Car RamRod

      @Smacky

      I’m in the Army, and all I can say is those Westboro Baptist Church motherfuckers better hope I never run into them at a buddy’s funeral, or I’m gonna do a little smiting of my own.

      Dec 21, 2009 at 10:42 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   M.

    Argh. “yes, plural?”

    If it were plural, and she felt the need to emphasize its plurality, perhaps she should have known better than to use AN APOSTROPHE!

    Dec 16, 2009 at 11:01 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

     
  • #6   unholyghost2003 bang

    Ummm I think the right term would be “kidnapped baby Jesus”

    Dec 16, 2009 at 11:04 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   Neeners

      The Lean Cuisine is easier to carry than the Baby Jesus thereby making it far more portable and ‘stealable’.

      See explanation – (e.g. Baby Jesus = tons of people around celebrating and worshipping Him making Him impossible to ‘steal’ Lean Cuisine= small concealable (generally makes no noise and is kept in a freezer) no one worships (oh wait, one person does) it or hangs around to confuse the situation

      I try not to steal as a habit, but dammit I would go out of my way to steal this person’s Lean Cuisine just to annoy her.

      Hey what if Lean Cuisine was the savior of the world? Then what would we be celebrating and how would that change the holidays?

      Dec 16, 2009 at 11:36 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   park rose bang

      What if someone kidnapped the baby Jesus and replaced him with the Panchen Lama?

      Actually, someone’s got to do a parody on the 3 wise men finding either
      a) the stable bare (of a Saviour) – Mary and Joseph up in arms
      b) them arriving to find the Lean Cuisine, as Neeners said, nestled into the straw, the animals gathered around.

      Wise man 1: Is this the one?
      Wise man 2: Looks kind of wooden to me.
      Wise man 3: What the fuck, I’m sure it’s *savioury*.
      Wise man 1: Yeah, what say you? Let’s just leave this shit here and go next door for some arak.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 5:08 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.3   infant tyrone bang

      Hey, uhg…
      I’m with you, but this “kidnapping” would also apply in a figurative way even if he had been sent in the form of a non-human animal…because as Xians of almost any subset know…He is the Lamb of God + that’s that.

      I think Burns & Schreiber have dwelt sufficiently long on the aspect of Being Washed in the Blood of the Lamb, but I’d just like to take this opportunity to say that for some of us ‘Catholics on inactive reserve’ this note has been a little bit like manna from Heaven.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 9:02 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.4   infant tyrone bang

      rose?

      PAN-chen Llama?
      I have consulted the Book of the Holy Dude, and the only way I can weave this together to make any sort of sense is to assume that the Dude’s defamed and besoiled rug was made of llama wool.

      In this case, clearly the culprit was the cursed Chinaman (not remotely an Asian-American), who obviously *is* ‘the issue’, but not of a Virgin.
      (Some Chinese-speaking Tibetans have been ‘custodialized’ for posting comments using the epithet of ‘mà biǎo zi’ for the Chinaman’s mother.)

      As to your 2nd para:
      I don’t see a problem with option (a), say with the cast of Raising Arizona getting all madcap/zany about the missing Kwisatz Haderach.

      But, in going for the easy irony in scenario (b), we miss the chance to develop the meme of the LC being an actual saviour. Not sure on this, but maybe the LC presages feedlots, mega-ranches, and agribusiness in general, in which many factory food animals are grown and sacrificed to the hunger of hunters who would otherwise be motivated to track and kill their wild counterparts. Not sure on the wine + beer product placement income, but the title’s gotta be “Many Are Chilled, but Few Are Frozen”, which is, of course, the easy {cheap?} irony that we eschewed at the Advent up there.

      Re para 3:
      I know most deer species only have antlers on the males.
      But caribou (meh!) and reindeer (aha!) have antlers on males and females. What if instead of the BJ or the LC we had a saviour reindeer (Fem.)?
      [This would be a reindeer-ette with unusually prominent antlers.]

      One of our Wise Guys could then remark something adorational like,
      “Oh, I am indeed seriously all about adoring this saviour here!
      Would you look at the rack on that reindeer!”

      This would be their cue to step next door and get some arak.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 9:50 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   Annie

    i thought those little k’s in “taKing” were X’s, and i was wondering what taxing frozen food had to do with kidnapping the baby jesus.

    I find it really difficult to take bubbly handwriting seriously.

    Dec 16, 2009 at 11:05 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Mo® bang

      Verily for through out the land a decree went out. Those that hath food which is like the frozen water of the lake shall be taxed and the baby Jeeezus will be held as ransom for the frozen niblet tax. Ahhmen.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 11:09 am   rating: 22  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   Nick Noehm

      Uneven microwaving makes Baby Jesus cry.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 12:23 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.3   Flaboy2425

      I found it even more difficult to read

      Dec 16, 2009 at 12:37 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.4   clumber

      ♥♥Mo®♥♥

      ‘course now I need someone to write a note to my boss verifying that I do, indeed, suffer from a terrible contagious disease that makes me randomly cough which sounds a bit like snort-laughter. rAmen

      Dec 16, 2009 at 4:52 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.5   Palomon bang

      Remember: The real villian in the Bible was the tax collector.

      Dec 17, 2009 at 12:42 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.6   Mo®

      I thought it was the money changers?

      ♥ ♥ clumber ♥ ♥ back at you! :grin:

      Dec 17, 2009 at 9:35 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   Laura

    Taking their delicious Lean Cuisine’s… what? Autonomy?

    Damn microwaveable dinners are always too lazy to write their own PA notes.

    Dec 16, 2009 at 11:08 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   Mo® bang

    Ah a “Lump of Cole” is a delicious porter.

    Dec 16, 2009 at 11:11 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   Neeners

      A lump of coal is also worth more than Lean Cuisine so that would be a really good steal.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 11:13 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.2   ryanmalloy

      A lump of coal is also worth more than Lean Cuisine – and has more calories (yes, plural)!

      Dec 16, 2009 at 2:14 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.3   clumber

      even more than plural Cuisine’s though?

      Dec 16, 2009 at 4:55 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.4   infant tyrone bang

      If you happen to bump into Superman or Baby Jesus and you’re holding a lump of coal, you could end up with a diamond (Superman) or God Knows What (Baby Jesus).

      Lean Cuisine’s top outcomes in the same two scenarios are Hot & Ready to Eat (Superman) and Maybe Almost As Good As Stouffers (Baby Jesus).

      Team “Absinthe” (w/o leaf): Take a chance on a diamond or Door #2. Take the Lean Cuisine, but give it to your nasty neighbor…it suits ‘em.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 5:06 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   Neeners

    And far worse…..What if I had stolen Baby Jesus’s Lean Cuisine? He likes the Orange Chicken Lean Cuisine I hear. It’s filling yet it won’t weigh Him down on those long treks across the desert.

    Dec 16, 2009 at 11:12 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   Snippy

      Blessings on you for demonstrating the proper way to spell and punctuate the possessive form of a name that ends in ‘s’! Most people commit the error of merely adding an apostrophe at the end, as though the name were a plural noun.

      BTW, about that Orange Chicken Lean Cuisine you hear: What does it sound like?

      Dec 16, 2009 at 5:46 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.2   Miss Shackson if You're Nasty

      Dude, you can totally do that.
      (checks internet)
      Oh, no, I am totally wrong.
      (goes back a second time)
      No, wait, you can. It is apparently a matter of the style book you’re using: http://www.wikihow.com/Use-Apostrophes

      Dec 16, 2009 at 9:52 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.3   Izze

      http://theoatmeal.com/comics/apostrophe

      Nuff said.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 10:13 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.4   park rose bang

      Ah, that’s where the escape goat got to. I wonder if those kittens remembered to remove their stilettos before clambering on its back.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 10:57 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.5   Izze

      Indeed! But alas! It never once mentioned anything about a tiger in this particular how-to… All well, I suppose there’s nothing to be done about the noisy goats. It would help if they made themselves some jellybean shoes, perhaps?

      Dec 16, 2009 at 11:08 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   QuarterRoy00 bang

    So let me get this straight… Multiple Lean Cuisines = Baby Jesus in terms of the ability to ruin Christmas

    Dec 16, 2009 at 11:13 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   jakeneff

      No, multiple Lean Cuisine ‘s do.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 11:43 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   Mo® bang

      It is hard to enjoy Christmas from the bathroom unless of course you have great sphincter control and can poot out “The little drummer boy”. Pah rum pum pum pum

      Dec 16, 2009 at 12:50 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.3   shwonline bang

      WWLC[yp]D? (What Would Lean Cuisine’s [yes plural] Do?)

      Dec 16, 2009 at 1:38 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   farcical aquatic ceremony

    “So, what do they call you, sweetie?”

    “Jesus. But you can just call me Baby.” (pls. use Barry White voice for maximum creepitude)

    Dec 16, 2009 at 11:14 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   farcical aquatic ceremony

    What a pointless note, since no theft took place. (“Delicious Lean Cuisine’s (sic)” exist only in the imagination of the forlorn dieter.)

    Dec 16, 2009 at 11:15 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   Izze

    Wow… This is grand! I have always wanted something to compare Jesus to! I thought that there was nothing on earth, but perhaps Lean Cuisine is the only thing as perfect as him! Now I shall always think of Baby Jesus whenever I see a Lean Cuisine… Heck, Maybe they should start using him in their commercials!

    Dec 16, 2009 at 11:18 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   thrall38 bang

      Maybe you find him plumped up in the tray after microwaving. Like finding baby Jesus in the Mardi Gras cake.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 11:34 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   Izze

      I’m sure that could, in fact, be a great possibility! Lean Cuisine obviously amounts to the same amount as Jesus, so heck! Might as well be the same thing altogether! Nom.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 11:57 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.3   aaa bang

      Wow, I totally misread “finding baby Jesus in the Mardi Gras cake” as “finding baby Jesus in the microwave”. Is this a Sign I need to eat more Lean Cuisine’s [yes plural and possessive]?

      Dec 16, 2009 at 2:55 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.4   shane

      erm… it is possessive, but not plural. Possessive plural would be Lean Cuisines’.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 5:28 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.5   aaa bang

      I know. I was making a joke based on the grammar failure of the person who wrote the note.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 5:56 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.6   Izze

      Don’t worry A, I knew exactly what you meant. I most definitely believe this is a good sign(indication, warning, etc.) that you should eat and/or worship more Lean Cuisine’s[YES! Plural AND possessive!]. I believe that we all should, in fact. Praise be on high to our glorious Savior Lean Cuisine(‘s?)!

      Dec 16, 2009 at 6:26 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.7   aaa bang

      Sorry, I only praise evil and act to make the baby Jesus cry.

      HAIL SATAN!

      Dec 16, 2009 at 9:11 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.8   Critical Grass bang

      Home cooked meals make Jesus happy.

      Team take-out food.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 9:34 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.9   Izze

      *looks around desperately* Home cooked, did you say? Why, certainly that does not mean we need to get up and leave out computers for any longer then 5 minutes at a time, does it? If so, how dare you imply such a thing! I simply mean that er… If you think it would somehow make BJ happy… Then you’re wrong! Absolutely sacrilegious! BJ would rather us spread the good news about the oh-so-plural Lean Cuisine’s! (Did I mention that was plural?)

      Dec 16, 2009 at 10:21 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.10   infant tyrone bang

      If LC’s formed a (U.S.) political party and based on the electorate’s disgust with the two principal parties’ candidates, the presidential results were:

      Republican candidate: 26%
      Democratic candidate: 34%
      Lean Cuisine candidate: 39.6%

      Although no one achieved a majority, the LC presidential candidate (singular) would become Chief Executive based on hi/r plurality.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 11:34 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   Beanster bang

    because “your holiday”, and not “the entire christian faith”, would be what is at stake if baby jesus were stolen

    Dec 16, 2009 at 11:24 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   edicius

    And what if the Christians had stolen the season of Dies Natalis Invicti Solis?

    Oh, wait…

    Dec 16, 2009 at 11:27 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   Miss Shackson if You're Nasty

      Man, did I have a hearty laugh. After I googled that.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 9:56 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.2   park rose bang

      Happy Dies Natlis Invicti Solis, edicius.

      Dec 21, 2009 at 8:26 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   Neeners

    Perhaps the ‘stealer’ is Muslim, Buddhist, or an atheist (do we use caps on atheists?) anyway…. in which case what do they care if they steal the ‘delicious’ Lean Cuisine or the Baby Jesus? Oh wait, they usually hold themselves to a higher moral code than most Christians, so it couldn’t have been them…… wait I’m so confused

    Dec 16, 2009 at 11:28 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   ryanmalloy

      Do Lean Cuisine meals contain porc and/or beef? That might rule out some potential thief groups of the fundamentalist persuasions.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 2:19 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.2   infant tyrone bang

      If their thieving plans were only for consumption, yes, we’d rule them out.

      But can we be sure that they aren’t stealing them to resell to local infidels, the income from these sales going to further treacherous plots designed to destroy the very civilization that produced the twin miracles of Baby Jesus and Orange Chicken Lean Cuisine.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 5:26 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   Ali

    I hear if you go to the fire sale at the Baptist bookstore, you can clean them out of baby jesuses from mismatched manger scenes.

    Dec 16, 2009 at 11:34 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   Nick Noehm

      Mismatched? MISMATCHED???

      GODDAMMIT!!! HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS BULLSHIT?!? WHY DON’T I JUST HIRE AN ATHEIST??? EVERY YEAR IT’S THE SAME DAMN …

      DAMN!

      Shit!

      Fuck.

      Okay, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gone ballistic like that …

      I’m sending you on a manger management course.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 2:11 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.2   infant tyrone bang

      Mismatched how?
      Do manger scenes have to be ethnically cleansed or purified now?

      Dec 16, 2009 at 5:28 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.3   Geek Goddess

      Oh no, ty, mismatched would be placing a Precious Moments© baby Jesus into a hand carved African ebony manger, or setting a Thomas Kinkade Painter of Light© infant into a Fisher-Price Little People® nativity scene.

      *Inclusion in this list does not imply any sort of artistic merit

      Dec 16, 2009 at 6:38 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.4   infant tyrone bang

      *Neither artistic merit nor religious
      (although some of the pieces consist of separate cloth
      [Maji Duds]
      and fur
      {realistic surface material for manger livestock}
      modules ,
      variously applied with Elmer’s, Crazy, and other unbranded glues)
      adherence.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 7:14 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   AuntyBron

    So, if the thief might suffer from salmonella – presumably from the purloined “food” – why would the notewriter be upset that it’s missing?

    Dec 16, 2009 at 11:38 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   Neeners

      Purloined – that word always makes me crave a steak. Sizzler here I come!

      Dec 16, 2009 at 11:49 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.2   Snippy

      If you really wanted a steak, you wouldn’t be going to Sizzler.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 4:27 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.3   Miss Shackson if You're Nasty

      But if you want salmonella, go to Sizzler.

      I think that the writer of the note has some sort of idea that because he, (or she) is such a great Christian, God, (or Goddess) will smite said Lean Cuisine sirloiner with salmonella as a reward to his, (or her) righteous follower.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 9:18 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.4   park rose bang

      But the missing Baby Jesus is at stake.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 11:05 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.5   Miss Shackson if You're Nasty

      10 pts, rose.

      Dec 17, 2009 at 12:32 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.6   infant tyrone bang

      How come somebody says Sizzler and ever’body’s thinks it’s
      gotta be Don Rickles and crew a roastin’ Savioury Veal.

      Sure that isn’t just Milla Jovovich with a really austere butch haircut ?

      Dec 17, 2009 at 1:14 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #20   Beanster bang

    so i think i get that the “baby jesus” in question is most likely made of plastic, but i like imagining a dramatic scene

    * the virgin mary and joseph have drifted off to sleep, leaving baby jesus under the watchful eye of molly, the cow.

    meanwhile, a group of shepherds, after being told by angels that the saviour of the world has been born, realize the opportunity that has been dropped in their laps. “kidnap the kid,” they think, “and with the ransom we can finally get our asses out of this foul smelling sheep racket.”

    after a quick trip to the living quarters to grab their wives’/lesbian lovers’ (these are equal opportunity shepherds, albeit morally corrupted) nylons to pull over their faces as a disguise, they creep into the stable and snatch the baby jesus, remaining only long enough to drop this note:

    “bAbY Jesus = 1,000,000 denarius

    DrOp here 2morO” *

    Dec 16, 2009 at 11:42 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   Beanster bang

      (which then leads me to imagining the Lean Cuisine theif with nylons over her/his head. gotta make use of the nylons after all that theft-induced healthy-eating weight loss rendered them several sizes too big!)

      Dec 16, 2009 at 12:10 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.2   LordOfThePants

      What do you wear over your head when you’re stealing nylons?

      Dec 16, 2009 at 1:23 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.3   Beanster bang

      cross dresser’s (yes, plural)

      Dec 16, 2009 at 2:59 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.4   aaa bang

      Ugly, hand-knitted socks.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 3:03 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.5   infant tyrone bang

      Chocolate covered mistletoe?

      Dec 16, 2009 at 5:30 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.6   Miss Shackson if You're Nasty

      Ladies’ (Ladie’s?) underwear; leg holes used as eye holes make you look like a luchador.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 9:20 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #21   jakeneff

    I love that not only is the ” ‘s” at the end of Lean Cuisine an afterthought, but it’s also completely wrong.

    Dec 16, 2009 at 11:47 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   Kay

    the bible would have been a more interesting read if someone HAD stolen baby jesus. Just saying, the movies would be better…

    Dec 16, 2009 at 11:54 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   Nick Noehm

      Nobody fucks with the Jesus.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 12:35 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.2   Mo® bang

      Eight-year-olds, Dude.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 12:45 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.3   Mark bang

      What’s this day of rest shit? What’s this bullshit? I don’t fuckin’ care! It don’t matter to Jesus. But you’re not foolin’ me, man. You might fool the fucks in the league office, but you don’t fool Jesus. This bush league psyche-out stuff. Laughable, man – ha ha! I would have fucked you in the ass Saturday. I fuck you in the ass next Wednesday instead. Wooo! You got a date Wednesday, baby!

      Dec 16, 2009 at 1:18 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.4   Mo® bang

      Hey hey hey! Careful man there is a beverage here.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 1:50 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.5   ingriddles

      Hmm…that is a no-go, seeing as how “We don’t exist on Wednesdays!” Not even for Jesus. Not even if HE exists.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 1:54 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.6   Critical Grass bang

      Okay people, these men are nihilists. There’s nothing to be afraid of.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 2:13 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.7   Palomon bang

      Cop: And what was your baby wearing when he disappeared?
      Joseph: I don’t know, PJ’s and shit!
      Cop: What’d the PJ’s look like?
      Joseph: I don’t know, they had Yodas and shit on ‘em! Tell me, why is every cop in Bethelehem in the one place I know my boy ain’t?

      Dec 17, 2009 at 12:50 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.8   infant tyrone bang

      Thanks, Pal…
      It doesn’t always have to be TBL or RHPS, right?
      We may not have a team, but we got a deep bench!

      Dec 17, 2009 at 1:18 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   Agent Cooper

    Wait, do Lean Cuisines typically cause salmonella? Why is she eating them then? The thief did her a public service.

    Dec 16, 2009 at 12:01 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   Mo® bang

      Just the sun dried tuna ones do. Hot pockets do cause dysentery however.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 12:47 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.2   aaa bang

      I eat the vegetarian Hot Pockets. It’s for those of us who don’t want to eat meat, but still would like diarrhea.

      Hot Pockets!

      Dec 16, 2009 at 3:05 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.3   Mo®

      Caliente Pockets!

      Dec 16, 2009 at 3:59 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.4   Bunnee

      Jim Gaffigan FTW!

      Dec 17, 2009 at 9:09 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.5   Izze

      “Uhhmm… Hottt Pockkketss..?” “That’s good! That’s *very* good.”

      Dec 17, 2009 at 12:11 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   adam

    Lean Cuisines are terrible. Get a real tv dinner!

    Dec 16, 2009 at 12:08 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   infant tyrone bang

      If you can’t afford a whole TV dinner, get a Stouffers spinach souffle or tuna noodle casserole and make some garlic bread and a salad.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 5:32 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.2   Critical Grass bang

      Yeah! Get a real TV dinner, get a Lunchables!

      Dec 16, 2009 at 9:46 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.3   infant tyrone bang

      Aw, CG…:-(
      Poor sweet CG…:-(

      I know you’re referencing age-appropriate images in a sympathetic magic attempt to conjure Jinxie into being here…but M’deah you know she’s at a hawt partay taking Britney’s place as Paris’ BFF tonight and she totally can’t bring her PDA because of the interference from her braces.

      So we got frozen food, hot roasted saviours, a cooler fulla cold porters, and cult movies on the TV, and Joe Bob sez “Pass me that remote!”

      Dec 17, 2009 at 1:30 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.4   Shance-a-lot

      Is Jinx a she? yeah, i was missing him/her on this fhread. I thought there was a comment that needed to be made that went something like this:

      “I hate it when fatties make you pretent they’re not fatties, and then they complain when you take their diet food. Hurry up and get lipo, fatty!!!!”

      Dec 17, 2009 at 7:15 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.5   Miss Shackson if You're Nasty

      oops sorry peeps; using my work computer and it automatically put my old name up. Miss Shackson here, not sir sharts a lot. Sorry for the pretention, confusion, and, obviously, vanity.

      Dec 17, 2009 at 7:18 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #25   Wade bang

    “Taxing” things that do not belong to you is very appropriate for the Christmas season.

    Why do you think Caesar Augustus was conducting a census?

    Dec 16, 2009 at 12:38 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   Wade bang

      LOL. I did it too, pony girl.

      Much love to comment #7 and gigglebraxes.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 3:44 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.2   Miss Shackson if You're Nasty

      can someone plz tell me what a gigglebrax is? (does a singular exist?) Or is it really gigglebrakes?

      Dec 16, 2009 at 9:24 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.3   Wade bang

      You’re doing it right now, hon! ;)

      Dec 16, 2009 at 9:36 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.4   Miss Shackson if You're Nasty

      ok nm. I figured it out.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 9:45 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.5   Miss Shackson if You're Nasty

      Wade: that was so supportive and positive that I felt like I was perhaps to look down I would find out that I had begun flying just because I started thinking happy thoughts.

      Actually that is more along the lines of what I thought gigglebraxing sounded like.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 10:01 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #26   Wade bang

    I have seen thief misspelled “theif” more than once on this site (including the cover of Kerry’s book).

    But spelling it “Fheif” takes it to new heights (or, more accurately, depths).

    Dec 16, 2009 at 1:01 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   Nick Noehm

      Good catch!

      I had settled on taking “Fhaf” as the writer’s name, which would justify the note’s pissy attitude.

      Can you help me with the “whale holiday” part? Like, how do they celebrate? Do they go to the beach?

      Dec 16, 2009 at 1:43 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.2   Mo® bang

      And just who is this Leon Cuisine?

      Dec 16, 2009 at 1:51 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.3   Wade bang

      All I know about the “whale holiday,” Nick, is that it would be very “dissapointing” without the Baby Jesus.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 2:27 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.4   park rose bang

      When I get some inside knowledge from Jonah, or Pinocchio, I’ll get back to you.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 5:13 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.5   oi bang

      “main fa ko fa bolta hu”
      if anybody figures out this reference I will be damned. ok bollywood movie. That’s the biggest hint.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 5:15 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.6   infant tyrone bang

      Charlie fpeakf funny af a fmall time gangfter?

      But, ferioufly, plz don’t be damned…not yet!

      Give me time and I’ll track down the U.S. Revolutionary War version of this gag for you.

      Oh, wait…did Charlie take the Lean Cuisine’s ? Or BJ?

      Dec 16, 2009 at 5:56 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.7   oi bang

      BJ?? err, charlie is not g..

      ohh BJ!!
      btw, well done!

      Dec 16, 2009 at 6:28 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.8   infant tyrone bang

      Jeez oi,
      Solve your puzzle in less than 45 minutes *and*+ waive the damnation option and no thumb?

      Maybe it’s a cultural thing ?

      Dec 17, 2009 at 12:00 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.9   oi bang

      yep!

      Dec 17, 2009 at 12:07 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #27   fan bang

    “But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find fit through it” Matthew 7:14.

    Be a shame to walk that long lonely road just to find I couldn’t get my fat ass through the gate upon arrival. Stealing can be forgiven. Not fitting through that skinny gate at the end of the road…. the horror, the shame, stealin’ is nothin.

    Dec 16, 2009 at 1:26 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   oi bang

      “main fa ko fa bolta hu”
      if anybody figures out this reference I will be damned. ok bollywood movie. That’s the biggest hint.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 5:10 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.2   Miss Shackson if You're Nasty

      If you can’t fit through the narrow road, you’re pretty much fucked when it comes to the eye of the needle.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 9:58 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #28   bowloftoast bang

    Maybe they took the Lean Cuisines to give them to Baby Jesus as a birthday present.

    Gold, Myrrh, Frankincense – pretty boring – but a nice vegetable lasagna? Saviorific (and healthy too).

    Dec 16, 2009 at 1:57 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #29   jjjj

    “what if someone like you”
    Apparently it’s okay to steal baby Jesus as long as it’s not someone like you.
    However, even if someone else has stolen the BJ, it’s still the Lean Cuisine eater who would have ruined the “whole holiday”. Not just that part of the holiday and apparently worldwide.

    I also love the gratuitous use of “I mean” because
    a) Ohhhh, THIS is what you mean. See, I though you meant _________
    b) It’s what makes it P/A

    The comments earned my chuckles because I too immediately thought of Cole Porter as being the referenced Cole.

    Dec 16, 2009 at 2:24 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #29.1   Nick Noehm

      The Catholic Church frowns on this use of the abbreviation “BJ” as it might cause confusion.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 2:35 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.2   Geek Goddess

      I would be happy if someone like me. I don’t know if anyone does, though.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 5:50 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.3   infant tyrone bang

      I am gladding now I old and no altar boy backstage making Father’s (no, just one…but) Baby Jesus disturb with BJ. Then he frowns + me confused.
      Want depths? Oh, we got.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 6:06 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.4   Miss Shackson if You're Nasty

      Nick- the catholics frowned but the mormons didn’t care because none of them had heard of nor received a BJ.*

      *used to be mormon so this joke doesn’t make me an asshole.**

      **plenty of other things DO make me an asshole. ***

      ***for example, continuing jokes when they’ve run their course.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 10:12 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.5   park rose bang

      Run their course? Miss Nasty, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

      oddess, me like you big time.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 11:11 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.6   infant tyrone bang

      Coarse?
      #6.4 sub-para 3 could be coarse
      #36.2 could be coarse or sacrilegious

      GG,
      Maybe I like you.
      Maybe I just adore you.
      Domino, Nabisco, Oreo !
      All praise Geek Goddess !
      Pass the milk!

      Dec 17, 2009 at 12:13 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.7   Miss Shackson if You're Nasty

      BTW so I don’t feel like I’m leading a double life, I was formerly Shance-a-lot but everyone thought I was a dude, which I guess is ok, but “shance” also made me think of “sharts” so I wanted to change it. I mention this especially for PG, who had a nice long conversation w/me on the Stiletto/broomstick fhread about sexual euphamisms (eufhamifmf).

      I guess I should change it go “miss fhackson.”

      Dec 17, 2009 at 12:27 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.8   park rose bang

      Ah, who do you think is coming to town? You’ll never guess who. The lovable, huggable Miss Emily Brown… Don’t you all get too familiar, Miss Brown to you, baby to me…

      Sorry – just ‘got’ your handle’s name, but it reminded me of the above song first, but also that other song!
      I liked shance-a-lot’s comments. Looking forward to more.

      Dec 17, 2009 at 7:56 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.9   Miss Shackson if You're Nasty

      Rose- LOL. Why, thank you, ma’am, I quite enjoy your posts, too. Keep ‘em comin’!

      There is actually more of a story behind the name – my actual name is Shannon (can I say that? Does that ruin the joy of anonymity?) but I guess I mumble half the time because half the time when I order a drink at Starbucks the cup comes back saying “Janet” instead of “Shannon.” One barista was apparently very confused but was too polite to ask for clarification and wrote “Shanet” on the side.

      I emailed a pic to a friend and she immediately texted back “Miss Shackson, if You’re Nasty.” A star is born.

      Dec 17, 2009 at 7:21 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #30   pony girl

    This person seems to have added a new letter to the English alphabet. (the T f combination in the last word)
    Oh, and thanks Phral?
    What is that?

    Dec 16, 2009 at 2:30 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #30.1   Wade bang

      hey pony girl. your answer is fhataway (#26) ↑ ;)

      Dec 16, 2009 at 2:36 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.2   pony girl

      Fsorry, Wade!
      Fmy Fbad!

      Dec 16, 2009 at 2:38 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.3   Nick Noehm

      “a limp of cole”?

      – see, I thought we were starting a thread making fun of the handwriting.
      – see, I fhought we were starting a fhread making fun of fhe handwriting.

      (edited as per Wade, below; English evolves so rapidly!)

      Dec 16, 2009 at 2:40 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.4   Wade bang

      Fhat’s ok, pony girl.

      I fhink the word you are looking for is fhread, Nick.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 2:50 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.5   Izze

      O.O That’s how my nephew pronounces his T’s!! :O Hrm, I wonder if there’s a connection… *shifty eyes*

      Dec 16, 2009 at 2:52 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.6   Miss Shackson if You're Nasty

      YOUR NEFHEW IS THE FHEIF! No BJs for your Nefhew this year.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 9:28 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #31   pony girl

    *goes out to backyard and burns pile of frozen lean cuisine’s in a righteous huff..thou shall not compare them to Jesus!!!!*

    ps – i’m doing it wrong.
    again.
    i will now put myself in self-exile.

    Dec 16, 2009 at 2:37 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #31.1   Izze

      Aaaaamen sistah! :)

      Dec 16, 2009 at 2:45 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.2   Geek Goddess

      Hey! Gigglebrax fails are my area of expertise!

      *imitation is the sincerest blah blah blah*

      Dec 16, 2009 at 5:48 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.3   Miss Shackson if You're Nasty

      Please punch hole in burnt offering for ventilation. Put burnt offering on pyre for 4 minutes, then pull back corner and stir. Place burnt offering on pyre for 2 additional minutes and then let sit for 2 minutes before self flagellating.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 9:33 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.4   infant tyrone bang

      If you find yourself not being able to finish that Burnt Offering…
      Try changing the last 2 minutes to *while self flagellating*
      Food’s hotter and you do work up a bit more of an appetite…

      *You probably meant the self flagellating to refer to the act of eating.
      I’m taking liberties cuz at the Church of Nigiri we don’t cook.

      Dec 17, 2009 at 2:15 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.5   pony girl

      John is still my favorite, does that mean I’m going to hell?

      Dec 17, 2009 at 2:51 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.6   Miss Shackson if You're Nasty

      PG- John is still my favorite too (kinda toss up between him and Ringo…). jk. I also like the Thomas Jefferson bible which just ends with the crucifiction. (“and then he died. The end.”) But yeah, John was the least…something…of the bunch.

      IT – self flagillation can mean whatever you want it to, sweetie. Wink wink. I just coudln’t think of something to do w/the burnt offering at the end and flagillating is both the funniest word and biblical concept I could think of at the time.

      Dec 17, 2009 at 7:26 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #32   aaa bang

    You suck at English
    Stealing humans (kidnapping)
    Happy Festivus

    Dec 16, 2009 at 2:39 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #32.1   Beanster bang

      *error – already voted*

      Dec 16, 2009 at 3:02 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.2   Mo®

      Let the Airing of Grievances begin.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 4:03 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.3   aaa bang

      I always pwn at the Feats of Strength.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 4:29 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.4   Nick Noehm

      fruitcakes

      Dec 16, 2009 at 4:48 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.5   Mo®

      You’ve got the mad skillz aaa!

      Dec 17, 2009 at 9:49 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #33   Jennifer

    Nobody puts baby Jesus in a corner (after the kidnapping…or is it saviornapping…of course).

    Dec 16, 2009 at 4:23 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #34   infant tyrone bang

    Forgive = Divine
    Err = Human
    Prophesying a Lump of Cole + (Maybe) Salmonella = The Missing Link ?

    Dec 16, 2009 at 4:34 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #35   Snippy

    Someone should tell Fhaf (the note’s author) that Paul McCartney or the estate of Michael Jackson might sue over the partially plagiarized lyrics from “Paperback Writer.”

    Dec 16, 2009 at 4:36 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #36   jetjackson bang

    Hmmm personally I would have taken the Baby Jesus from the freezer. Tastes like chicken and much preferable to Lean Cuisine.

    Dec 16, 2009 at 5:37 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #36.1   Nick Noehm

      Is that kosher?

      Dec 16, 2009 at 6:00 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #36.2   infant tyrone bang

      Mebbe…some Asian Cannibalistic Jews would pronounce (if not consider) human flesh as “(W)rong Pig” and say it tastes like lean pork.

      Of course this would only apply to the human parts of the Baby Jesus…those partaking of the godhead or other deific sections would undoubtedly render a verdict that it is and tastes “simply divine”.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 6:19 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #36.3   Nick Noehm

      I asked the tattooed guy in Aotearoa if the tongue sticking out meant anything. He said, “Yeah. It means you look fucking delicious.”

      He was carrying a mere, and that influenced me to not ask whether he was circumcised.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 7:20 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #37   Umm...

    If Jesus is still a baby then somebody’s got a whole lot of editing and rewriting to do.

    What exactly is note writer trying to say? That Jesus is no better than a frozen Lean Cuisine or that a Lean Cuisine is just as important as Jesus?

    Dec 16, 2009 at 6:26 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #37.1   park rose bang

      That one is a cardboard copy of the other.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 7:26 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #37.2   Miss Shackson if You're Nasty

      Though one is literally cardboard. Or at least encased in cardboard. Or tastes like cardboard.

      That baby jesus was fucking del…has someone said it yet? They must have said it…

      Dec 16, 2009 at 10:05 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #37.3   AKS

      I excitedly scrolled through the comments to see if anyone had said it. I am so proud right now.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 10:57 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #37.4   Palomon bang

      I like to think of Jesus up on stage with Skynard, and I’m in the front row, and I am wasted!

      Dec 17, 2009 at 1:01 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #38   Escape Goat

    “Hey look, guys, I stole a baby Jesus … and it’s Christmas! Hahah. Funny right?”

    ….

    “Funny … right? I mean, ha-ha funny, right?”

    ….

    “Umm … I’m a tool?”

    “Right.”

    Dec 16, 2009 at 7:09 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #39   park rose bang

    A dingo took her lean cuisine!

    Dec 16, 2009 at 7:23 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #39.1   Nick Noehm

      Oh, she is a naughty person, and she must pay the penalty — and here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment …  You must tie her down on a bed and spank her!

      Dec 16, 2009 at 7:44 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.2   Escape Goat

      And then the oral sex!

      Dec 16, 2009 at 8:10 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.3   Nick Noehm

      Well, I could stay a bit longer.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 8:16 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.4   Beanster bang

      i’d add to this thread but i am ever so busy sewing pretty panties.

      Dec 16, 2009 at 10:10 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.5   Fherf

      Panties are perilous.

      Dec 17, 2009 at 7:30 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.6   Izze

      And once you are done… Spank me!

      Dec 17, 2009 at 12:22 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.7   Mo® bang

      They are not quite so perilous. I could face a little peril.

      Dec 17, 2009 at 12:28 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #40   Canthz_B bang

    I think this note contains some spelling errors.

    Dec 16, 2009 at 9:30 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #40.1   Beanster bang

      adam? is that you?

      Dec 16, 2009 at 10:11 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #40.2   Canthz_B bang

      First!!!

      Dec 17, 2009 at 12:37 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #40.3   infant tyrone bang

      Stoned? Sconed !
      Oh, looking for the Genesis concert?
      I think that was the night before…you know…
      Well as long as you’re here…have a rib
      Cooked with apples and sauerkraut
      Fresh from the Garden of Eatin’

      Couldn’t sleep?
      Sheep, Abraham…

      Dec 17, 2009 at 2:00 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #41   Havingfitz

    Yesterday, I thought someone had stolen my fucking delicious can of Pomegranate 7-UP from the work fridge. (I’ve been waiting all year for them to start selling it again). I was fully ready to condemn them all to the bowels of hell, when I realized that upon arriving at work I had placed my precious beverage in the freezer instead of the refrigerator. It had exploded.

    That is all.

    Dec 16, 2009 at 10:37 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #41.1   park rose bang

      Did, having fizz, Havingfitz, then having fizz no longer, lead to having fitz, Havingfitz?

      Dec 16, 2009 at 11:17 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #41.2   infant tyrone bang

      You make me dizzy Miss Lizzy
      You make me dizzy Miss Lizzy
      Only way I could be more dizzy
      Is watching ole Thin Lizzy

      Well, or maybe pounding down six Mentos and 2L of 7-up

      Dec 17, 2009 at 1:58 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #41.3   Izze

      Fhat, my friend, is not only a humbling experience, but quite a fraumatic one. I have been waiting for fhem too, and I cannot say how I would have reacted! I might have gone on an all out slaughtering spree around the office before realizing the error of my ways. You are a brave, brave soul(or is it sole?) to have been fhrough so much. I am fouched. *will not cry!* Q.Q

      Dec 17, 2009 at 12:28 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #42   Frenchy

    Disappointing!!!

    Not dissapointing.

    Sheesh, if you’re going to be self-righteous at least learn how to spell.

    Dec 17, 2009 at 12:29 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #43   Canthz_B bang

    DEAR SIR, (OR MADAM)?

    It must have been a Madam who stole the Lean Cuisine’s (plural).
    Every whorehouse I’ve ever visited (and there have been many) serves that crap!
    If you want to do the Hungry Man it costs an additional $25.

    Dec 17, 2009 at 12:41 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #43.1   Miss Shackson if You're Nasty

      I don’t like the Smart Ones. They talk too much.

      Dec 17, 2009 at 7:28 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #43.2   Canthz_B bang

      Yeah, but the Smart Ones insist on condoms, so they’re the Healthy Choice if you really want to Stouffer!

      Which reminds me, I need to check Marie’s Callender!

      Dec 17, 2009 at 11:16 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #43.3   Miss Shackson if You're Nasty

      Well played, but you took all the good names so here I am trying to think of something having to do with whore houses and tofu dogs.

      Dec 18, 2009 at 11:14 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #43.4   infant tyrone bang

      Ore-Ida !
      A comment I can take home to Sara Lee
      without being thought a Claim Jumper!
      Better get movin’ then…
      Want this to be my Swanson-g,
      not the epitaph on my Tombstone.

      Dec 18, 2009 at 2:57 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #43.5   Canthz_B bang

      The brothel temptation is a thing of the past. I’ve learned that extra money just tries to burn a hole in your pocket.

      I’d rather be blown out of the sky by the Red Baron than have Hot Pockets.

      Dec 19, 2009 at 6:29 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #44   Fherf

    I assume that either a lump of Cole (Porter) or a lump of (Nat King) Cole in a stocking would smell equally bad at this point in time….more valuable on ebay than a Lean Cuisine (yes singular)…

    Dec 17, 2009 at 7:26 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #45   unholyghost2003 bang

    Hey! In olden days a glimpse of stocking was looked on as something shocking! But now, God knows … Anything goes!

    even Lean Cuisine left …

    Dec 17, 2009 at 8:04 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #45.1   Mo®

      HOORAY!!!

      Dec 17, 2009 at 10:45 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #46   Otto Parts

    I was going to make some comment’s (yes, plural) but a lot of you stoal my idea’s (this is plural for thoase of you who doant knoaw what an apostrophe is foar).

    Dec 17, 2009 at 10:16 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #46.1   Izze

      We’re fhief’s(yes, plural) of your idea’s(yes, plural)!?!? :o Oh noes!

      Dec 17, 2009 at 12:33 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #47   Baby Jesus

    It was me.

    I stole the lean cuisine’s (yes plural)

    And yes, they were fucking delicious…

    Dec 17, 2009 at 2:14 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #47.1   Miss Shackson if You're Nasty

      Oh, YOU’re the baby jesus.

      Man, do I have some questions for you…

      Dec 17, 2009 at 7:30 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #48   Bruno Hauptman

    “Whatta ya mean this is the wrong baby?”

    “This isn’t Chuck’s kid?”

    “Damn!”

    Dec 17, 2009 at 10:57 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #49   Bruno Hauptmann

    “Whatta ya mean this is the wrong baby?”

    “This isn’t Chuck’s kid?”

    “Damn! I’m gonna fry for this.”

    Dec 17, 2009 at 11:02 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #49.1   Canthz_B bang

      Does he smell like a Limburger (sic)?

      That’s Baby Jesus. His parents are Maria and José.

      Dec 17, 2009 at 11:11 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #49.2   Miss Shackson if You're Nasty

      The Limburger Baby kidnapping was the crime of the century.

      “A Virgin will brie forth a child, for the gruyere of all man kind. He shall be called Emmentaler, which means “God is with us.” He will atone for the sins of Edam. And God saw all that He had made, and it was Gouda.”

      Dec 18, 2009 at 11:29 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #49.3   Canthz_B bang

      That’s the cheesiest comment I’ve ever seen.

      Boy, how I love cheese! :-)

      Dec 19, 2009 at 6:48 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #50   iypants

    Lean Cuisine theft is basically the same thing as kidnapping.

    Dec 18, 2009 at 9:41 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #51   Megan

    Nothing like dragging the Baby Jesus into some passive aggressive discourse : )

    http://rawstory.com/2009/12/norris-obamacare-killed-jesus/

    Dec 19, 2009 at 2:33 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #51.1   Canthz_B bang

      Nothing like dragging your web-link onto a website either.
      Talk about passive-aggressive advertising!

      At least say what the link is about so people can decide if they’d even like to bother with it…I won’t.

      *historical side-note…Jesus died nearly 2000 years before “obamacare”.
      **2nd side-note…Obama has been repeatedly criticized for not sending a Plan to the Hill, preferring instead that the Congress write a healthcare reform bill. To call any reform “Obamacare” is a bit ignorant.
      May I suggest you take a Civics course before making political statements?

      Dec 19, 2009 at 6:18 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     

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