Merry Christmas to one and all (except you)

December 23rd, 2009 · 62 comments

So, has holiday time with the fam driven you to the bottle yet? Before you head out to happy hour, just remember that Christmas is no excuse for pub owners to mince words.

Just ask Finlay in Edinburgh, Scotland…

CHRISTMAS DAY Usual rules apply. Private function. Friends, family, & regulars only. "Merry Christmas to one and all" Sparky

Or Ross in Wellington, New Zealand…

Due to Udit being a douche the Cavern Club Christmas party has been cancelled.

And for the rest of us…Happy Festivus, Troublemakers! May your airing of grievances be merrily aggressive-aggressive.

related: we will be happy to service your hangover on January 1

FILED UNDER: Christmas · holiday spirit · New Zealand · Scotland


62 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Canthz_B bang

    I’m sure more than a few of the family and friends are a bit irregular if they spend Christmas Day in a bar.

    Or do they mean only people who eat the right amount of fiber?

    Dec 23, 2009 at 10:52 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #2   jetjackson bang

    Uh shut ay! Nuw eye guttu see Vunce un guv mah tucket buck! Fuckun Udit!

    Dec 23, 2009 at 11:02 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Canthz_B bang

      Fuck me! I was two seconds away from going to Google translate before I got this one! LOL

      Dec 23, 2009 at 11:07 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   park rose bang

      Gold, jit jeckson.

      Dec 24, 2009 at 4:24 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.3   Mel K

      You’re not wrong. I went to NZ last Christmas to visit the in-laws and I needed sub-titles.

      Everyone blamed it on my wine consumption, but with some of the older people it was terribly hard to follow with discussions of cricket and rugby. The Hitchhiker’s Babelfish chip would’ve been an ideal gift.

      Happy Christmas from Tokyo!

      Dec 24, 2009 at 8:07 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.4   park rose bang

      It’s okay. I lived there for a while, and they think that we sound like ducks (Aussies) – they’re not wrong, either. Quaaack, quaaaack, quaaaack.

      And that would be the Babelfush chup, Mel K. Sorry, Kiwis. I know it’s boring, sad and tired. But it’s gone cyber and viral!

      Dec 24, 2009 at 9:14 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.5   pony girl bang

      I spent my first Christmas in Austin at Clicks Billiards.
      We had christmas dinner there. Pizza.
      It was fun!

      Dec 24, 2009 at 9:59 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   Canthz_B bang

    Well, if you can’t go to the Cavern Club for Christmas, El Horno (the brothel around the corner) sounds like a nice substitute.

    They even cleaned up the holiday Christmas slack for the occasion!

    Dec 23, 2009 at 11:04 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   bowloftoast bang

      Good thing too. You ever slipped in a big puddle of Christmas slack? Not pretty.

      Dec 24, 2009 at 2:29 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   debkatz

    So…how many Christmases has this guy been doing this to justify the “usual rules”? Belly up to bar all ye regulars! The warm and fuzzies are on me!!! Wait. ewwwwwww

    Dec 23, 2009 at 11:05 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Palomon bang

      Or does “usual rules” mean that Christmas is the same as the other 364 days of the year?
      He’s a Jehovah’s Witness. Can’t we respect a devout publican’s means of worship?

      Fa-la-la-la-la.

      Dec 24, 2009 at 11:53 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   jetjackson bang

    The term ‘Douchecanoe’ is yet to hit the Kiwi shores it seems.

    Dec 23, 2009 at 11:06 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   park rose bang

      Totally.

      Dec 24, 2009 at 4:25 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   pony girl bang

      douche waka ama doesn’t have quite the same ring to it.

      Dec 24, 2009 at 10:10 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.3   infant tyrone bang

      Is that Havarti cheese-speak for canoe or sumpin’ ?

      Dec 24, 2009 at 10:41 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.4   pony girl bang

      waka ama is maori for canoe.

      Dec 24, 2009 at 3:22 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.5   park rose bang

      It’s because Australians are so bad at kayaking that we never quite manage to cross the ditch without drowning.

      Jan 10, 2010 at 3:33 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   Critical Grass bang

    Damn you, Udit! Now I’ll have to spend Christmas night with my family! Nice going, douchebag…

    Dec 23, 2009 at 11:51 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   pony girl bang

      I am all at once appalled and delighted with these signs.
      So nice to see that political correctness has not overtaken this entire planet.
      I love mom & pop places!

      Dec 24, 2009 at 10:01 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   infant tyrone bang

      It is an only very occasional frisson to watch someone who is likely unavailable to me (as I am surely, for any foreseeable future, unavailable to her) ever so slyly and sweetly troll for someone for whom I wish all the best…and here we are !

      Rub-a-dub-dub
      I’ll leave the two of you
      Just keep it clean for now

      Boogie on reggae woman !

      Dec 24, 2009 at 10:41 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   infant tyrone bang

    “Merry Christmas to one and all” = “No room (for strangers) at the Inn”
    Nothing passive-aggressive there, huh ?
    .
    .
    .
    Happy, happy ! Merry, merry !
    Do a random act today !
    POE, y’all…

    Dec 23, 2009 at 11:52 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   zenvelo

    So if I don’t poop on a daily basis, my irregularity will mean Sparky won’t let me in? Even for my nightly prune juice and vodka?

    I guess he got tired of metamucil screwdrivers…

    Dec 24, 2009 at 12:48 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   Palomon bang

    ‘Twas Christams eve babe/
    Locked in the drunk tank/
    An old man said to me/
    Won’t see another one/
    And so we sang a song/
    The rare old Mountain Dew/
    I turned my face away/
    And dreamed about you…

    Dec 24, 2009 at 2:22 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   park rose bang

      You scumbag, you maggot
      You cheap lousy faggot
      Happy Christmas your arse
      I pray God it’s our last

      ;) just quoting the lyrics, pal! you don’t have to quote his description of Kirsty MacColl (RIP) :(

      Dec 24, 2009 at 4:28 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.2   park rose bang

      Heh-heh, pal.. I posted Kirsty MacColl’s response to Shane MacGowan (and I know they weren’t the first to sing the song), and now it’s being held up for moderation… I wonder why? ;)

      Dec 24, 2009 at 4:30 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.3   Palomon bang

      The hyperlink.

      Search for The Pogues Feat. Kirsty McColl, “Fairytale of New York.” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eCr30OVMjHA
      So there goes the veiled references and such.
      Merry Christmas.

      I could’ve been someone….
      Well, so could anyone/
      You took my dreams from me/
      When I first found you…

      I kept ‘em with me babe/
      And put them with my own/
      Can’t make it all alone/
      I built my dreams around you.

      C’mon, gang, sing with me…

      Dec 24, 2009 at 10:57 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   park rose bang

    I’ll try paraphrasing:

    Your bumbag, your hammock,
    You cheap lousy haddock,
    Happy Christmas your arse,
    I pray God it’s our last.

    And, in the original comment I put a sad face next to Kirsty MacColl :( (RIP) and I said that no, really, you don’t need to post Shane MacGowan’s description of Kirsty…

    Dec 24, 2009 at 4:32 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   park rose bang

      Sigh, gigglebrax fail. It’s been a long time, been a long time, been a long lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time.

      Dec 24, 2009 at 4:58 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.2   infant tyrone bang

      The extra 1/4-twist in the vault got her an unavoidable 0.2 deduction…
      but she absofuckinlutely nailed the dismount. Stay put, boyfriend!

      Dec 24, 2009 at 6:26 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.3   Palomon bang

      BTW-
      The Pogues wrote and released the song in the early eighties. The female part was not written for Kirsty McColl; she filled in on a test recording and the band liked her interpretation and the rest is hostory.

      So, Happy Christmas/
      I love you baby/
      I can see a better time/
      When all our dreams come true.

      Dec 24, 2009 at 1:55 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.4   park rose bang

      See,

      Merry Christmas, half-arsed
      I hope it’s my last.

      The other day, the radio station I listened to decided that was too overplayed so they played Christy Moore (or someone – I mean, I know Christy Moore, I’m just not sure it was him singing), and I took that as being expert proof that someone else had written it! That’s how I do all my research, by the way. Something I vaguely heard that resonated and then stuck… Can you hear something vaguely and have it resonate? I’m not sure.

      Anyway, I’ve gotta get on with prepping Christmas lunch! Merry Christmas from Nihon, (and it was last night too, but barely just).

      Dec 24, 2009 at 4:11 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   Critical Grass bang

    No one will be here
    I wanted to (but now can’t)
    I’m not regular

    Dec 24, 2009 at 6:47 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   park rose bang

      What the hell am I doing here?
      I don’t belong here…

      Dec 24, 2009 at 9:17 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   park rose bang

      It’s hell being a dodecahedron, isn’t it, CG?

      Dec 24, 2009 at 9:18 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.3   infant tyrone bang

      Hey smarty pants…
      If yer gonna do the dozens…do ‘em in English, huh ?
      Not that I’m takin’ sides…

      P.S. That band went right by me, but they’re on my “To Do” list…shit, retirement can get awfully busy in the last few decades before you die…

      Dec 24, 2009 at 10:57 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.4   Palomon bang

      Dodechadoucheddron?
      (Not saying you are, just saying being one is challenging.)
      Pa rump-a-pum-pum.

      Dec 24, 2009 at 11:00 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.5   susitna

      Douchedecahedron is much easier on the tongue.

      Dec 24, 2009 at 12:36 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.6   Palomon bang

      Well spoken, Sustina.
      What if a butt-hole and a jack-ass fight? Would they do it in a doucheagon?

      Dec 24, 2009 at 1:10 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.7   infant tyrone bang

      I think we’ve learned that they would ‘have it out’ ‘on the back nine’.

      Dec 24, 2009 at 3:00 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.8   pony girl bang

      a 10-faced douche?
      I’m confused.

      Dec 24, 2009 at 3:33 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.9   Critical Grass bang

      Aren’t we all?
      Confused, I mean, not 10-faced douches.

      Dec 24, 2009 at 4:00 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.10   park rose bang

      So much fun to say do-deca-he-dron though. It always brings to mind Julie Andrews…

      Doe, a deca-he, a ten sided dron,
      Fa, a long, long, way to run (from this douchedron… I say… make it even easier on the tongue and elide the ‘h’! * )

      * Damn elidists. Always trying to change things.

      Dec 24, 2009 at 4:18 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   adam

    Merry Christmas to everyone at PAN, unless you’re not a regular poster, someone who thumbs at least 5 comments per day, or the site administrator(who is a girl).

    Love,
    Adam

    Dec 24, 2009 at 7:54 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   park rose bang

      Strut your stuff, adam. Your plumage is enchanting ;)

      Dec 24, 2009 at 9:19 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   infant tyrone bang

      Al hombre primero…

      Le homme droit avec de belles plumes, promenade clou !

      My online xlater takes the bows and the tomatoes,
      ty

      Dec 24, 2009 at 10:32 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.3   Palomon bang

      “Felice Navidad” for my French borthers and sisters.

      Dec 24, 2009 at 11:06 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.4   Critical Grass bang

      Bon Nadal, Pal!

      Dec 24, 2009 at 1:13 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.5   Palomon bang

      Sorry, CG, I don’t speak German.

      Jingle, jingle.

      Dec 24, 2009 at 1:49 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.6   pony girl bang

      Mele Kalikimaka!
      &
      Hau’oli Makahiki Hou!!

      Dec 24, 2009 at 3:25 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.7   jetjackson bang

      I hate the French borthers :)

      Dec 24, 2009 at 3:52 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.8   Palomon bang

      When have the ever boedther you?

      Dec 24, 2009 at 4:46 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   Canthz_B bang

    Are e regulars cyber-customers?
    I guess they send them drinks on Facebook.

    Dec 24, 2009 at 7:59 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   Mark-GF

    Someone mentioned people spending Christmas Day at a bar being irregular.
    I’m thinking this is one of those pubs where the owner lives above it in a small apartment, so it’s easier to have friends and family hang out in the main pub area, and have dinner and things down there. Even if they don’t live above it, if you have a full size dining area at a pub/bar avaliable to use, why not have your family and friends over there rather than at home?

    Dec 24, 2009 at 10:05 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Canthz_B bang

      Because we’re very seldom serious around here, that’s why.

      You see, the correct thing to do would be to send/give invitations to those invited and post a sign saying that they’d be closed for a private party.
      Not post rules.

      So we make fun of them for it. Well, for that and that this idiot happens to be called “Sparky”!

      Happy Holidays, don’t over-think them or you’ll miss the spirit. :-D

      Dec 24, 2009 at 6:53 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   Hmmm

    What do you mean come and get my refund on WEDNESDAY?
    I thought nobody was here on Wednesdays?
    I’m so confused…

    Dec 24, 2009 at 12:28 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   pony girl bang

      They’re there.
      They just don’t exist.
      Not sure how that will affect the refund.

      Dec 24, 2009 at 3:12 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   Hmmm

    Usual Christmas Rules

    1. No stealing the baby Jesus.
    2. The gift exchange price limit is $10. Fuck off with buying a $20 gift to make yourself look generous, and making the rest of us look like Scrooge McDuck.
    3. Take you fucking shoes off.

    Thank you

    Dec 24, 2009 at 12:34 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   oi bang

    Happy holidays everybody.

    Love and fun

    oi!.

    Dec 24, 2009 at 5:11 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   Canthz_B bang

    I foresee fights at the door over the word “regulars”.

    We all know Norm Peterson (NORM!!) is a regular, but what about a guy who comes in every Wednesday after work, has a gin and tonic, and goes home?
    Is he a regular customer?…or just a frequent flier?
    Can he go inside? Is he turned out into the night? Can dude at least get a to-go plate?
    Is there no room at the inn?
    Do you know the way to San Jose?
    Who let the dogs out?
    Who’s on First?
    Where’s Waldo?
    If a tree falls…

    Dec 24, 2009 at 7:15 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   Jackie

    Merry Christmas to all of you

    Dec 25, 2009 at 6:37 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   MO®

    Merry Christmas to everyone…
    including you.

    Dec 25, 2009 at 9:23 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   Canthz_B bang

    Merry Christmas one and all…Have a PANtastic Holiday! :-D

    Dec 25, 2009 at 11:55 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     

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