Right, He just went round the corner for a quick nip.

December 25th, 2009 · 50 comments

Writes Sara in Cardiff, Wales: “Around this time last year, I noticed that the Jesus had been stolen from this city centre church’s nativity scene. The church is surrounded by pubs and, as it can get quite messy in Cardiff on the weekend, it’s no surprise Jesus went AWOL. About a week later, the note was still up, and someone had replaced ‘Jesus’ with an old naked ragdoll.”

DESPITE HIS ENEMIES, JESUS WILL BE COMING BACK SOON

(And can I just repeat how much I love this Wikipedia entry? It’s the Christmas gift that keeps on giving.)

related: What if someone like you had stolen Baby Jesus’s Lean Cuisine?

extra credit: Someone stole Baby Jesus

FILED UNDER: CAPS LOCK · Christmas · holiday spirit · Jesus · Wales


50 responses so far ↓

  • #1   park rose bang

    The second coming is going to occur somewhere between the first call and the last call in the pub strip in Cardiff? How will it be possible to distinguish between the newly arisen from the dead (responding to the judgment call) and the dead drunk (despondent and disorderly after the last call)? I figure zombies and the sloppy drunk bear some similarities.

    Merry Christmas! (it’s Boxing Day here. I had a great Christmas, thanks! Thanks for the Christmas treat too, kerry!).

    Dec 25, 2009 at 7:15 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #2   Wade bang

    Jesus isn’t missing. He’s busy turning Perrier into Champagne for the New Year.

    Dec 25, 2009 at 7:25 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Palomon bang

      Turning cakes into pies.

      Dec 26, 2009 at 3:58 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   Wade bang

      Turning Lean Cuisine into something edible.

      Dec 26, 2009 at 8:28 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.3   MAMARILLA2 bang

      He would have but someone stole them.

      Dec 26, 2009 at 9:58 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.4   Canthz_B bang

      Turning grass into pies…or is that touching on a sacred cow?

      Dec 26, 2009 at 8:45 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.5   Palomon bang

      I think you can touch cows all you want, you just can’t eat them.

      Dec 26, 2009 at 11:34 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   farcical aquatic ceremony

    Nope. He’s gone. (Anyone can tell you that a watched spot never…re-fills with a baby Jesus…)

    Dec 25, 2009 at 7:28 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #4   famous_lizzy

    Who’s to say Jesus didn’t come back as that ragdoll? And he isn’t “missing.” The catholics will find him eventually floating in a bucket of, well, it used to be water.

    Dec 25, 2009 at 7:42 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Canthz_B bang

      Maybe Jesus will be found on a slice of cinnamon toast.

      Dec 26, 2009 at 3:35 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   Sue Do Nim

      Actually, CB, it was a flour tortilla.
      http://www.jesustortilla.com/

      Dec 26, 2009 at 12:39 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   rhombchick bang

    Well there is nothing leaner than a lean cuisine that is no longer there. Just imagine all the pounds that will melt from your ass like snow on a warm spring day while you’re eating that invisable lean cuisine. The theif was just trying to do you and your ass a favour. Enough of this cup half empty attitude.

    Dec 25, 2009 at 8:17 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Palomon bang

      Are you talking about the ultimate “diet Christ?”
      What kind of communion do they do at your church? I mean, the wafers we used to use were not terribly filling. You guys use pot roast or something?

      Dec 26, 2009 at 4:01 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   Critical Grass bang

    Jesus has left the manger.

    Dec 25, 2009 at 8:49 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   Palomon bang

      That savior really tied the manger together, man.

      Dec 26, 2009 at 4:22 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   park rose bang

      Start spreading the news.
      I’m leaving today…

      Okay, okay, I know it’s not the B.L…. anyways…

      Dec 26, 2009 at 6:03 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   bean

    I thought you weren’t supposed to put Jesus in there til Christmas anyway!

    They weren’t stealing him, they were just saving him for the right time.

    Dec 25, 2009 at 8:53 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   Kelly

    It’s impossible to guilt-trip someone who would do something as heinous as kidnapping the baby Jesus.

    Dec 25, 2009 at 9:13 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   Zeke

    Ain’t that the truth. I almost feel bad for the thieves — what do they do to top this? Once you’ve stolen the Christ child, you’ve pretty much maxed out your villainy meter.

    And worst of all… they know He loves them anyway.

    Dec 25, 2009 at 10:24 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   Palomon bang

      I suppose it depends what they do with the baby. If they film it, they’re certain to burn.

      Dec 26, 2009 at 4:03 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   Heather

    I have a good friend who used to manage a Lenox store, (upscale china and accessories) and it was amazing how the baby jesuses ( jesusi?) were nearly ALWAYS stolen from the display nativity sets they had in the store. I guess its an epidemic..

    Dec 25, 2009 at 10:38 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   zenvelo

      I think it’s spelled “L-i-n-u-x” and they probably meant to replace the baby Jesus with a penguin.

      Dec 25, 2009 at 11:51 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.2   Palomon bang

      “Jesi?”

      Dec 26, 2009 at 4:06 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.3   Critical Grass bang

      “Jesusesi”?

      Dec 26, 2009 at 11:02 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.4   Palomon bang

      A certain “Jesu-se-qua?”

      Dec 26, 2009 at 1:19 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   KoS

    Best line from the Wikipedia article: “Plus, it’s just wrong to steal the Baby Jesus.”

    Dec 25, 2009 at 11:22 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Lenny!

      apparently you didn’t see the “see also” link about the Garden Gnome Liberationists

      Dec 29, 2009 at 1:11 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   bowloftoast bang

    Somewhere in the world, there is an Indiana Jones type warehouse filled to the ceiling with stolen baby Jesus’ and missing dryer socks – that’s what ‘the enemies’ do.

    I suspect a common element in this rash of thefts – those who have a grudge against the nativity scene Jesus. My prime suspects would be the poor shmoes in every nativity scene with a goat attached to their leg…I’d be pissed too.

    Dec 26, 2009 at 12:39 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   park rose bang

      I love the fact that many baby Jesus statues/dolls now have GPS. I’m imagining the Speed/Lethal Weapon/Whatever the modern day equivalent is, as a handsome generic hero races against time to return the baby Jesus before it becomes the 26th in every single country in the world. It would be similar to that NASA tracking Santa site as the children, adults and wicked terrorists of the world (the obvious suspects!) sit glued to their computers, televisions, iphones etc., wondering whether the handsome generic hero will win the race against time and make all right with the world again.

      Dec 26, 2009 at 6:11 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   Canthz_B bang

    Jesus must have the patience of Job, because I like to have my second coming relatively soon after the first.

    Dec 26, 2009 at 1:17 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   Mel K

    I’d get Captain Jack Harkness on to this missing BJ case. If anyone could find the BJ in Cardiff, it would be him. El Horno would probably be the first place he’d look.

    That is unless the BJ is in the Tardis, in which case it will be back by Easter.

    Dec 26, 2009 at 1:56 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   Canthz_B bang

    Those Christians get awfully upset over dolls representing their savior being stolen.
    It’s almost as if they think they owned the REAL Baby Jesus.

    Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but why not just buy a new one, and next time bolt the little bastard into place?

    Dec 26, 2009 at 3:44 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   Palomon bang

      C’mon, the sign does’t read as very upset writing. In fact, these folks seem to taking things pretty much in stride, keeping in the PAN tradition of postings that are neither Passive, Aggressive nor Notes.
      Tawk amongst yehsilves.

      Dec 26, 2009 at 4:16 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.2   Canthz_B bang

      Speaking in broader terms, of course.

      I think we’ve seen enough stolen Baby J notes the substantiate my comment.

      I take the position that posting a sign stating an article of ones faith is, in fact, passive aggressive.

      Dec 26, 2009 at 4:58 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.3   park rose bang

      That would be voodoo, CB. Pins driven into the skin, nails run through the palms of the hands, fingernails cut off for future curses, locks of hair kept for love potions…

      Talking of bolts, the baby Jesus might have done a bolter. Bolt him before he bolts you. I like your thinking…God’s pretty handy with the bolts, too. Lightening and smiting go together, very, very frightening me.

      Dec 26, 2009 at 5:49 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.4   Critical Grass bang

      Jesus once said: I’m just a poor boy, I need no sympathy. Because I’m easy come, easy go… Doesn’t really matter to me.

      Oh, wait…

      Dec 26, 2009 at 11:10 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   Canthz_B bang

    You never hear of Baby Muhammad dolls being stolen…oh, wait, maybe they’re onto something there!

    Dec 26, 2009 at 3:54 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   Havingfitz

    That Baby Jesus was fucking delicious.

    Dec 26, 2009 at 7:38 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   Nick Noehm

      I sincerely hope He used a condom.

      Delicious is totally Hosebag McSlutty, going by what I’ve heard. Animals, food products, inanimate objects …

      Dec 26, 2009 at 1:12 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   aaa bang

    Will be back Easter
    I am not a roaming gnome
    Fuck you! Hail Satan!

    Dec 26, 2009 at 12:13 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   oi bang

    baby Jesus
    ♫ Baby Jeeeeesus ♫
    got stolen.
    ♫ gooooooooot stolennnnnnnn ♫
    ♫ oooowhi what’s up with that?♫
    ♫what up with that? ♫
    ♫ whaaaaaaaad up with thaaaaaaaaaaaaat ♫

    Dec 26, 2009 at 12:34 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   TippingCows

    Jesus left of his own volition, and has left his mark on seven potato chips, twelve birthmarks upon the body of twelve different men, and has also appeared in three Wal-Marts in the form of a roll of wrapping paper.
    He’ll be back around January 12th.

    Dec 27, 2009 at 5:43 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   park rose bang

    I think the note-writer is just urging us all to put the Christ back into Christmas.

    Dec 27, 2009 at 6:22 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   shwonline bang

    Baby Jesus is out of stock. Sorry, no rain checks!

    Dec 27, 2009 at 7:12 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   park rose bang

      Untrue, apparently. You can see that Mary is worshipping a sacred cow above, but I think he’s definitely bolted from the stall.

      … and it’s neck and neck and no, I don’t quite believe it, but it is… a mule is in the race and it’s coming along the inside run and look at that mule go! Jesus… I don’t want to bray, but I never thought a donkey had it in him. But here comes Arabian Knight on the outside, and the donkey and Knight are neck and neck… and…oh Lord, I cannot believe my eyes… baby Jesus is clinging, I repeat, clinging, to the mane of the donkey…He’s away in the mane, ja, ja… I’ve never seen anything quite like it.

      But who’s riding the Arabian Knight? Let me get out the binoculars… yes, I do believe it is Richard Burton, and I do believe he’s nursing some kind of hangover from the way he’s sliding all over that horse… Did Mary nurse baby Jesus? It’s worth thinking about… anyway, Burton is guzzling down a can of Guinness, mother’s milk to some, and Yes! oh, yes! … he’s slipped off the horse and is hanging by one leg from the stirrup… bouncing along the track, I wonder how he’ll get out of this one?… and in the meantime, the donkey was slowing, looking a bit worn out, but the turf has parted… yes, parted!, I am rubbing my eyes here in disbelief too, but I’m only calling it as I see it, the part has created a clear path for the baby Jesus, the donkey and the flood of Nazarenes who have all of a sudden crowded the field. But, wait! Richard Burton has somehow righted himself, and is heard to be shouting “I ain’t afeared of nobody, not even you Virginia!”

      Jesus and the donkey and the Arabian Knight are neck and neck, ear and ear… but, …what is the baby Jesus doing? He’s got his hand up to his face, and I can’t see clearly, but I do believe he’s twisting his nose from his face! Oh, to be made of detachable body parts, and he’s climbing onto the mule’s head… Let’s see you do that Burton!… and he’s holding his hand out, and and his nose is wedged firmly on his extended thumb! The mule is steadfast. The knight is faster, but Jesus is forthright. Not only that! But he’s fishing for men. Out comes the fishing rod, and Oh yes! He’s snagged one of the Nazarenes who is pulling, I say just pulling baby Jesus and the mule over the finish line. Burton crushes his can and throws it onto the track. All the other horses stumble, and they’re down for the count! Except for the tortoise.

      My, what a race. Burton is crying, but he’s no slouch, but Jesus is just that fraction ahead. I’m looking at the replay now, it’s hard to distinguish, but yes, I can clearly see the paint peeling from his proboscis. By a nose, baby Jesus has won by a nose! The Nazarenes have gone crazy and are throwing palm leaves into the air…the crowd looks confused, except for three wise men along the sidelines looking kind of elated. And here is the surprise finisher. Yes, there goes the tortoise…plod, plod, plod, over the finish line for third! The three wise men throw their tickets in the air, and then scramble to pick them up again… guess three lucky bastards had the trifecta.

      Richard Burton slouches off mumbling something about how he wishes he were Richard Harris and had the power of Dumbledore to match the baby Jesus, and how the Irish have all the luck, and how someone left the cake out in the rain. The mule is braying its victory and the Arabian Knight surely has one thousand and one tales to tell. What a day. What a track. What a race…From generation to generation, they’ll begetting around to telling this story. From father to son, from mother to daughter …

      Oh, hold on, the riot squad is swarming all over the place… they have the three wise men in cuffs…they’re using a GPS system to track down the Baby Jesus to return him to his rightful owners, and Burton is doing a little dance before falling down dead drunk in the middle of the field. Danny Glover kicks him. WTF? Professional jealousy?

      Baby Jesus gives the riot squad the finger, quite literally, but he’s too small, and they are too powerful. They have swaddled him, and Burton has been disqualified for being disorderly after Glover had a quiet word with one of the officials! The tortoise wins the race…though the hare is objecting… As always, sure and steady will beat the bolter from the stable, and I see Glover counting out a nice wad of money. Maybe it is the reward for assisting and promoting the return of the baby Jesus to his Righteous and rightful place. Amen. What a day it’s been folks, What a day.

      Dec 27, 2009 at 9:46 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   borntoeattoast bang

    I didn’t know the baby Jesus drummed for Spinal Tap.

    Dec 28, 2009 at 10:40 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #24   jenny

    here in my country Jesus just shows up on the 25th, of course that the day he was born duh hahahah

    well, I dont know when this pic was taken though
    ^^

    both cases are silly anyway, weather he was stolen or was waiting to be born ^^

    Jan 27, 2010 at 11:42 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   Providing a “friendly holiday spirit” | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com

    [...] Who stole and vandalized a candy cane? Who stole the baby Jesus?? [...]

    Dec 13, 2010 at 6:22 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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