Don’t feed the cat (or the trolls)

December 29th, 2009 · 86 comments

Hey, so do you remember hearing about how crazy cat ladies might be explained by the Toxoplasma parasite? (No? Then listen to this episode of Radiolab. It’s pretty awesome.) Well, Toxo may or may not explain these notes.

Exhibit a) Spotted by Shane at an office in Upland, California…

"Regarding my cat": His name is Taboo not some silly name that some of you call him. I want all of you to mind your own business and leave my cat alone. I don't want you even talking to him. If I catch anyone feeding Taboo, I want you on notice NOW!!!!!!! I will terminate your employment. IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!

Exhibit b) From an apartment building in Austin, Texas…

Please do not feed or have the grey tabby in your home.

related: Cat fight!

extra credit: Radiolab: Parasites

FILED UNDER: Austin · California · CAPS LOCK · cats · exclamation-point happy!!!! · MYOB · neighbors · not-so-veiled threats · rebuttals · unnecessary "quotation marks"


86 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Palomon bang

    Dwight got promoted and bought a cat with Angela.

    Dec 29, 2009 at 9:30 pm   rating: 25  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   kdaniel

      I guess “Taboo” is an obscure German name, or maybe Mose came up with it…

      Dec 29, 2009 at 9:59 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   oi bang

    His cat name is Taboo, not some silly name that some of you call him.
    Get it?
    Taboo not silly.
    not at all.

    Dec 29, 2009 at 9:34 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Critical Grass bang

      This is Taboo! *points at the cat*

      Dec 29, 2009 at 9:46 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   Geek Goddess

      Actually, his name is Tobby, but he is in the witness protection plan and has had a new name assigned.

      Dec 30, 2009 at 1:38 am   rating: 24  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.3   park rose bang

      I keep thinking his name might be Tattoo, but that’s as far as I got.

      Dec 30, 2009 at 2:28 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.4   Canthz_B bang

      THE PLANE!! THE PLANE!!

      Welcome to Fantasy Island, where all your dreams come true on rich, Corinthian leather!

      Dec 30, 2009 at 2:33 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.5   Canthz_B bang

      His name isn’t Taboo, Tattoo or Toby…it’s Kunta Kinte.
      He went to the river to get a log to make a drum…long story short, now he’s a house cat.

      Dec 30, 2009 at 2:35 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.6   park rose bang

      2.4, I only set ‘em up, CB… ;)

      Dec 30, 2009 at 9:52 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   Wade bang

    The first note makes more sense if you substitute each occurrence of the word “cat” with a suitable synonym.

    Dec 29, 2009 at 9:36 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   oi bang

      You know Wade you tapped the goldpot. If you think about it, it make sense entirely even if that silly name only is the word cat’s appropriate synonym.

      Dec 29, 2009 at 10:01 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   Canthz_B bang

      If we also change “feeding” to “eating”, will we have to change “terminate your employment” to “give you a big, fat raise”?

      Dec 29, 2009 at 10:38 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.3   infant tyrone bang

      I’m out of one of my grammatical prescriptions and waiting on a refill,
      so I might be reading this wrong, but unless y’all change a mess of them masculine pronouns, too, then I’m thinkin’ y’all may have been watching
      a whole lot more than ya shoulda of that cable channel LGB-TV.

      Well…or maybe not enough…

      Dec 30, 2009 at 9:38 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   Canthz_B bang

    Homos have moved from gerbils to cats now?

    Dec 29, 2009 at 9:39 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Critical Grass bang

      Not all cats only Taboo.

      Dec 29, 2009 at 10:05 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   Oh Really

      Damn homophobic crazy cat lady, implying all the gays are just trying to stick her Taboo up their ass.

      Dec 30, 2009 at 3:16 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   RM

    But really, it is below freezing where I am and we have had a foot of snow in the past week. Our neighbors went on vacation with out putting their “outside” cat in the house. It would freeze or starve had we not noticed.

    Dec 29, 2009 at 9:40 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #6   Critical Grass bang

    Hey, don’t talk to my cat! Everytime you do he comes home all stressed out complaining and telling me all the annoying things he had to hear. We don’t even have time to discuss our own issues anymore, so don’t annoy him. Taboo is not to be touched!

    Dec 29, 2009 at 9:41 pm   rating: 29  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   Canthz_B bang

    Poor Taboo is going to wonder what he did to be shunned so, but talking to him is now taboo.

    Dec 29, 2009 at 9:43 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   Cordelia

    I wonder if “Taboo” is really a Swingline stapler…

    Dec 29, 2009 at 10:03 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   Hmmm

    He started it!
    He came up to me and was all like, “Purr, purr, meow.”
    It would have been rude of me to not say something back.

    Dec 29, 2009 at 10:23 pm   rating: 46  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   Palomon bang

    Please don’t call the cats by different names. Last week he came home calling himself Mr. Mistoffeless. Before that, he thought he was The Rum Tum Tugger.
    The singing is just too much.
    The choreography is amateurish and unbearable.

    Dec 29, 2009 at 10:24 pm   rating: 34  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   park rose bang

      Macavity, Macavity, there’s no one like Macavity,
      For he’s a fiend in feline shape, a monster of depravity.
      You may meet him in a by-street, you may see him in the square–
      But when a crime’s discovered, then Macavity’s not there!

      Dec 29, 2009 at 11:48 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.2   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Grizabella intrudes once more, wanting to rejoin her
      family and be a part of the celebration. The cats again
      scorn her. She is left to contemplate her “Memory” of
      the time before she left the tribe, when she was once
      young, beautiful and happy.

      Dec 31, 2009 at 1:46 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   marky not mark

    Substitute “penis” for “cat” and this note makes sense.

    Dec 29, 2009 at 10:34 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   oi bang

      oh so original!
      You replaced it with penis! i am pretty sure you never read # 3 though.

      Dec 29, 2009 at 10:46 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   Critical Grass bang

      What is that? You replaced your penis with a cat?
      Huh…

      Dec 29, 2009 at 11:28 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.3   Canthz_B bang

      I hear it’s all the rage in “Catagonia”.

      The shit plastic surgeons can do these days!

      Dec 29, 2009 at 11:54 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.4   Geek Goddess

      Haven’t surgeons been replacing penises (penii?) with pussies for a while now?

      Dec 30, 2009 at 1:35 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.5   Canthz_B bang

      Only if a guy’s insurance refuses to pay for previous work, GG.
      In a similar circumstance, a woman is usually surgically dicked.

      Dec 30, 2009 at 1:48 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   Fridge Pirate

    The crazy cat lady’s cat was fucking delicious.

    Dec 29, 2009 at 10:58 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   Nick Noehm

      See what happens, kids, when you don’t capitalize your name?

      Lower-case names lead to a lack of self-esteem, and that leads directly to bestiality.

      Dec 30, 2009 at 9:03 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   Nine

    is his name taboo or are they just not allowed to say it? omg is the cat He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named?

    Dec 29, 2009 at 11:06 pm   rating: 36  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   Druston

      I immediately had the same thought process. Sometimes, I’m glad I’m not alone.

      Dec 31, 2009 at 3:42 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   Canthz_B bang

    Outdoor domesticated cats are a wonderful thing.
    They get lots of exercise, have a lower ratio of fat to muscle and, if you run them over just right, are easy to pan fry.

    Dec 29, 2009 at 11:10 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Roast cat with string bean.

      Dec 31, 2009 at 3:50 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   Sesquipedalian

    It violates all the deep laws of our culture to feed someone else’s cat. The gods and powers, who should be named only with awe and reverence, never silliness, will smite your wealth and livelihood for such abominations. Let the name of this cat stand as a warning to you all, infidels!

    Dec 29, 2009 at 11:16 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   Adam

    Cute name for a cat.

    What sort of situation is going on that she could terminate their employment?

    Dec 29, 2009 at 11:42 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   stuffin

      Exactly, why is there a cat in an office in the first place? That is so not real professional.

      Dec 30, 2009 at 2:36 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.2   Critical Grass bang

      Hey, that’s taboo…

      Dec 30, 2009 at 4:40 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.3   Geek Goddess

      Perhaps the cat is in charge of the copier. I just hope he knows to remove the staples before copying a document.

      Dec 30, 2009 at 9:47 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.4   park rose bang

      Fuck that. Can he bake brownies?

      Dec 30, 2009 at 9:54 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.5   LordOfThePants

      Play ‘em off, Copy Cat!

      Dec 30, 2009 at 10:00 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.6   adam

      Haha, you walk in to the copy room and the cat’s like “Makin Copies!!!, meow”.

      Dec 30, 2009 at 10:32 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   John

    It’s a waste of time to leave notes for people who leave their cats outside; better to just catch the cat and take it to the animal shelter.

    (I love cats. I didn’t love the neighbor’s cat at my old house, who yowled outside my door at night, shat in my yard, and got my dog riled up. They said, “Oh, he’s an outside cat!” If I did not like cats, he would have been a dead cat.)

    Dec 30, 2009 at 12:17 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   biff

    There is NO EXCUSE for foisting your cat on other people. If you do so, you are irresponsible and should lose the privilege of owning a cat. To complain about the treatment the cat receives from the innocents you inflict it upon is the height of stupid arrogance, and no punishment you may receive is out of bounds.

    Dec 30, 2009 at 12:42 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   park rose bang

      I hate the cat notes. I think they’re worse than the toilet, tip your server, and breast feeding in public notes combined. I might need to change my avatar.

      Dec 30, 2009 at 1:21 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.2   Canthz_B bang

      Stupid arrogance is still better than arrogant stupidity, right?

      How does one foist responsibility for a cat upon another?

      If one decides to take responsibility for a cat, one can hardly say he/she was in some way forced to do so by another. That’s a personal choice in my litter box.

      Dec 30, 2009 at 2:14 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.3   Geek Goddess

      A personal choice in your litter box, CB? Is that what they are calling it now?

      Dec 30, 2009 at 2:57 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.4   Canthz_B bang

      I sticky by it.

      Dec 30, 2009 at 3:12 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.5   RP

      “How does one foist responsibility for a cat upon another?”

      By allowing that cat to poop on someone else’s porch.

      Dec 30, 2009 at 11:50 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   Jenesca

    I love love that you reference Radiolab.

    Dec 30, 2009 at 1:40 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   Geek Goddess

      We here on PAN are all about the love, all the time.

      Dec 30, 2009 at 2:59 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.2   Critical Grass bang

      Well, I hate it! There GG, I think I evened things out. ;)

      Dec 30, 2009 at 4:44 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.3   infant tyrone bang

      Careful, CG…
      Some would say you’re on the thin ice of Manichaeism.
      I s’pose in y’all’s vecino, any ice is better than no ice at all.
      But, it could be the lake of fire down there making it thin…
      Not to get too dualistic ‘n’ all, but ya gotta choose, no?

      Dec 30, 2009 at 9:58 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.4   Critical Grass bang

      I already chose, Ty. :evil:

      Dec 30, 2009 at 3:13 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.5   Palomon bang

      My post got deleted or something. Was it ’cause it had the word “fuck” in it?

      Dec 30, 2009 at 9:33 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.6   Wade bang

      More likely because it didn’t, Palomon. ;)

      Dec 30, 2009 at 9:40 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.7   Palomon bang

      Y’know what, Wade? You’re awright.

      Dec 30, 2009 at 11:35 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #20   Chinchillazilla

    Upon reading the first note, I would immediately come up with the dumbest name I could and call the cat that from there on out. The note doesn’t say you’ll get fired for that, only feeding.

    Apparently when my mom was a kid, they lived next door to a cat named Poopydoo. My grandpa hated it just because of its name.

    Dec 30, 2009 at 3:07 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   Gavin

    Pussy is always best when it’s forbidden fruit ;) it feels so wrong but yet so right — appropriate name

    Dec 30, 2009 at 4:39 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   Kore

    You’re unlikely to get Toxo from your cat, unless you dine on cat shit or under cook your cat before you eat it.

    Dec 30, 2009 at 5:13 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   RP

      Lots of people don’t wash their hands properly. You’d think they would after cleaning out a litter box but apparently not.

      Dec 30, 2009 at 11:52 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   April

    Crazy witch for note 1. I hate nothing more than people letting their outside cats wander around in my yard killing the birds, pooping in my kids’ sand box and getting cat hair all over my outdoor furniture. I always look pretty crazy when I run out there shrieking and throwing things at them.

    How come it is super illegal to let a dog roam free most places, but not a cat? Both are equally annoying and dangerous to the animal and your neighbors.

    Also why is a cat in an office?

    Dec 30, 2009 at 6:08 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   infant tyrone bang

      3) Cat is in office because office manager is too stupid or cheap to get a proper cat-door installed at home.

      1) If a local cat bothers you with its presence, use a squirt bottle, SuperSoaker, or a plain old garden hose. It’s non-lethal , probably litigation-proof, and most cats will get the message…quickly.
      Why do something that’s ineffective *and* makes you look crazy?

      2) It’s probably just as illegal, but not as energetically enforced.
      Dogs will respond to food from strangers…cats far less so.
      Cats are more independent than dogs…and less trusting.
      So, it’s easier to round up stray dogs than stray cats.
      For further info, consult a pixie…

      Dec 30, 2009 at 10:57 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.2   RP

      Regarding why no one goes after stray cats: You don’t often hear about people being mauled by cats either.

      Yeah, they’ll attack people but dogs have the reputation of actually killing people.

      Dec 30, 2009 at 11:58 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.3   Geek Goddess

      Yeah, the cat will lurk in a dimly lit place, preferably at the top of the basement stairs, trip you, and wait for you to die of your injuries. Then it will eat your now defenseless corpse. By the time the authorities are aware that anything has gone wrong, the cat has eaten all the evidence. Everyone assumes that the cat only ate you out of dire necessity, since there was nobody to fill its dish. Little do they know that it was deliberate and premeditated.

      So who’s a cat lover now, huh?

      Dec 30, 2009 at 3:30 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.4   Beth

      Ugh, even though it’s taboo for dogs to roam around outside unattended, plenty of owners still take their dogs for walks without leashes.

      My sister’s dog has actually killed several cats because she is among the trusting dog owners that believes that her dog is well behaved and does not need a leash. You’d think after the first cat she’d learn… but…

      Moral of story is that bad things happen to good pets… often courtesy of bad owners! Keep the cat inside and the dog on a leash.

      Dec 30, 2009 at 5:35 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   HappyNat

    I’ll stop talking to Taboo when he stops talking to me. Freakin cat won’t shut up.

    Dec 30, 2009 at 6:45 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   park rose bang

      You should stop calling him stupid names like Fritz. Though I’d imagine a conversation with him would be pretty interesting. Or just keep on truckin’, dude. Either way.

      Dec 30, 2009 at 7:08 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.2   HappyNat

      But Mr. Pookiemittens is telling me to KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL

      Dec 30, 2009 at 9:18 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.3   park rose bang

      Sounds like a Tarantino movie. Kill (the three) Bill(y) Goats Gruff (see 25).

      Therefore, Mr. Pookiemittens is the troll. You should not feed him.

      Bedtime before I embarrass myself further.

      Dec 30, 2009 at 9:31 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.4   infant tyrone bang

      Clearly (?) some of our commenters are unaware of the Russ Meyer 1964 masterpiece “Faster, Pussycat ! Kill ! Kill !” which predates Tarantino, Bakshi, and, yes, even Crumb.

      Not wanting to agitate any Manichaeist colleagues (save religious controversy for the battlefield), I will not post an opinion as to whether this lack of awareness (or presence of discretion) is good, bad, or other.

      Dec 30, 2009 at 10:23 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.5   park rose bang

      Yes, ty, but did it have three goats and a troll?*

      *Is it my fault that googling cat & killx5 & pookiemittens doesn’t come up with the obvious?

      **Is it my fault that my knowledge of popular culture stretching back to the pre-Cambrian era doesn’t, well, stretch back to the pre-Cambrian era?

      ***Is kicking self… know the title, but I bet there still aren’t three goats. Maybe I better get to IMBD before a troll throws me off a bridge.

      Dec 30, 2009 at 6:24 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #25   park rose bang

    The third note was written by the escape goat and his three gruff brothers, Billy, Billy and Billy – though how they held the marker in their cloven hooves remains a mystery. LOL.

    Dec 30, 2009 at 7:22 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   infant tyrone bang

      Hey, folks ??

      Anybody heard from PG?
      I think those goats may be in her house and using her keyboard.
      Or worse, maybe making her write notes for them.

      Never mind…just heard the news on the radio.
      The escape goats were nabbed over at Mary’s place.
      Seems these convicts always revert to form in the most childlike way.
      So, where else would a smart cop look for a bunch of goats on the lamb?

      Dec 30, 2009 at 10:32 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.2   park rose bang

      True, true. I heard they went to the peep show at Little Bo’s first, where they took in those lambs wagging their tails behind them. In fact, the goats four were so raucous and outrageously vulgar and uncouth, that Mother Goose had to tell them to leave those poor lost sheep alone.

      Dec 30, 2009 at 6:52 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.3   infant tyrone bang

      Next time they escape from The Big House, the (game) warden has plans to circulate flyers designating them as The Four Satyrs of the Apocalypse.

      If they make it to an extradition-proof island, they plan to stay together as a singing group called The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypso.*

      *Lawyers for the estate of Mr. Cousteau are hoping for a catchy melody.

      Dec 30, 2009 at 10:04 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #26   ryan

    that cat lady shit is too legit, my sister is so fucked

    Dec 30, 2009 at 10:01 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   Wordtinker doesnt smith bang

    Please fire me! Please! Please!
    I so wanna’ take that other job, the one without your underfed, FLV-infected- pseudo-pet snotting all over the office – the one that offers better pay, better bennies, and has a cappucino machine in the breakroom.

    Dec 30, 2009 at 2:04 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   park rose bang

      The cat or THX SANDRA? It’s a tough call.

      Dec 30, 2009 at 6:53 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #28   johnjacobjingleheimerschmitz

    PLEASE DON”T FEED THE TROLLS!
    BAhAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    Jan 20, 2010 at 5:28 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
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  • #32   | FU Load Letter

    [...] needed help and was a little frustrated that, once again, she couldn’t be located.” Aaaand troll mode [...]

    Oct 2, 2012 at 11:49 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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