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An e-mail from my arteries

January 19th, 2010 · 67 comments

Filching someone’s McDonald’s coupons…the “aggressive” flipside of the passive-aggressive offering of coupons for fitness DVDs?

“The person who sent this e-mail is actually a great and very well-liked individual at my place of work,” our submitter says. (Assuming, I guess, that one doesn’t come between him and his Egg McMuffins.)

I really have you have a great day...

related: sympathy for the devil

extra credit: Shaking things up at Dairy Queen

FILED UNDER: all-staff e-mail · Canada · ellipses-crazed · guilt trip · sarcasm · spelling and grammar police · stealing · thanks (but not really)

67 responses so far ↓

  • #1   jetjackson bang

    I am pointing the finger at Hamburglar.

    Jan 19, 2010 at 10:31 pm   rating: 79  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Neeners

      and he best ‘fess’ up and fast

      Jan 19, 2010 at 11:06 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #1.2   Canthz_B bang

      Not to worry, Officer Big Mac is on the case!

      Jan 19, 2010 at 11:42 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #1.3   Gunderson

      This guy sounds like Mayor McCheese.

      Jan 20, 2010 at 7:18 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #1.4   Meesh

      Who’s fingering someone’s hamburger?

      Jan 20, 2010 at 7:44 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #1.5   Woman on the Verge bang

      Well, jet, it seems the rest of us need not wrack our brains. You win. Nicely played.

      Jan 20, 2010 at 12:57 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #1.6   park rose

      Yes, WotV. It’s a pretty pickle he’s gotten us into, or maybe not.

      Jan 20, 2010 at 5:14 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #1.7   marpolejoel

      robble robble

      Jan 20, 2010 at 9:17 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #1.8   kingofgrief

      You tore your dress…

      Jan 20, 2010 at 11:04 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #2   Canthz_B bang

    Um, time to ask for a pay raise?

    Jan 19, 2010 at 10:34 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #3   Canthz_B bang

    Thanks for stealing my atherosclerosis coupons.
    Now I’ll have to live past retirement age, and I’ve already cashed out my 401K.

    Jan 19, 2010 at 10:38 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Wordtinker doesnt smith bang

      Wait- there was something left in your 401K? I ought to talk to your guy, ’cause mine sucks. That’s why I needed the coupons.

      Jan 19, 2010 at 10:43 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #3.2   Canthz_B bang

      tink, you can probably find my guy at your local job placement center.
      No Warren Buffet he! :lol:

      Jan 19, 2010 at 11:21 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #4   Wordtinker doesnt smith bang

    I’m going for the stapler… everything I need for the day IS on the desk, right?

    Jan 19, 2010 at 10:39 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #5   Havingfitz

    I think Baby Jesus stole them.

    Jan 19, 2010 at 10:44 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Neeners

      Baby Jesus only goes for Lean Cuisine remember?

      Jan 19, 2010 at 10:57 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #6   kureshii

    For abusing ellipses, he gets no sympathy from me.

    Jan 19, 2010 at 10:48 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #7   Vin¢


    Jan 19, 2010 at 10:52 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   jetjackson bang

      “Swingline, sweeeet staple-errrrr! Comin for to combine my pay-perrrrr!”

      Jan 19, 2010 at 11:05 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

  • #8   shesajem

    And my response would have been:

    “well I can’t say I needed them more than you, but I can say the McDonalds was fucking delicious.”

    Jan 19, 2010 at 10:58 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

  • #9   Bob

    I just wanted to say. . . that this person. . . seems to use too many. . . ellipses. . . and also he. . . doesn’t know how to spell. . . cubicle. . . cubical is a word. . . after all. . . it is an adjective. . . that can describe a cubicle. . . not a cubicle itself. . . .

    Jan 19, 2010 at 10:58 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   infant tyrone bang

      With great sincerity,
      Cubical Art (or was the well-liked guy named Marcel?)

      NDude (on a) Descending (Spiral) a Staircase

      Jan 20, 2010 at 11:44 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #10   Neeners

    Hey, don’t fault him guys!

    When you are reduced to cubicle work, and I was for 4 years, it’s the little things in life that bring you the most pleasure….

    like Egg McMuffin coupons and making ‘rubber skin gloves’ out of the rubber cement you’ve confiscated from the storage closet (after first getting high off the fumes).

    Jan 19, 2010 at 11:04 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #11   Neeners

    I will leave a thank you note for him, after I find my backbone, on the stolen pens and pad of paper I take from his desk the next time.


    The Proud Egg McMuffin Thief

    Jan 19, 2010 at 11:09 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #12   Pishposh

    They may find their culprit if they look out for anyone who gains some weight within the next couple of weeks.

    Jan 19, 2010 at 11:37 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #13   AuntyBron

    Team Notewriter!

    Truly, a masterpiece of passive aggressive literature. But the thing that put it over the top was the sign-off “With Great Sincerity.

    Jan 20, 2010 at 12:02 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #14   Adam

    I love McDonalds, and they usually give pretty decent coupons out too. I’d be sad too if someone snagged em from me.

    Having said that, if they were left right out in the open and perhaps askew, as if just thrown there, they might be mistaken for me not wanting them, and a passer-by might stumble upon them and have a craving for buy one get one bacon egg and cheese biscuit.

    I would certainly keep my precious MCD coupons in a manilla folder or perhaps even my desk drawer.

    Jan 20, 2010 at 12:42 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   BrookeDiz

      I’m with you Adam. And when they’re just available like that, isn’t it always the nighttime office cleaners who get the blame?

      Jan 20, 2010 at 3:48 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #15   aaa bang

    I took the coupons
    I wanted a heart attack
    You’re too fucking fat

    Jan 20, 2010 at 1:05 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #16   Hmmm

    This makes me Grimace!

    Jan 20, 2010 at 2:45 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

  • #17   park rose bang

    Damn you!
    Proof-read your God-damned note. Think it through.
    I always appreciate to knowknowing the kind of people I work with. Fucking hell.
    It is always appreciated to know the people we work with. It = freaking what?
    Knowing the (character of the) people we/one work/s with is always appreciated.
    Either way, the original phrase used is as shonky as hell.

    Jan 20, 2010 at 4:16 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   Meesh

      PR, you’re such a stickler. Everyone knows you don’t have to proofread e-mails. They don’t count as real writing. And most office workers are much too important to pay attention to silly little details like spelling and subject/verb agreement. Grammar shmammar.

      Jan 20, 2010 at 7:39 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #17.2   anglophile bang

      When you’re pounding that e-mail out in all the fury and disappointment of having to pay for a full-price Quarter Pounder with Cheese, it’s hard to gain that emotional distance you need for proper proofreading.

      Jan 20, 2010 at 9:07 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #17.3   park rose

      I know. I was a bit cranky, Meesh. Musn’t've had me coffee.

      Jan 20, 2010 at 5:10 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #18   park rose bang

    What/Who’s your favourite rock cause? I’m putting the vote out to PAN.
    Britney Spears? Whitney Huston? Pete Doherty? Amy Winehouse?

    Jan 20, 2010 at 4:22 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   Meesh

      “I was reading an interview with Keith Richards in a magazine and in the interview Keith Richards intimated that kids should not do drugs. Keith Richards! Says that kids should not do drugs! Keith, we can’t do any more drugs because you already fucking did them all, alright! There’s none left! We have to wait ’till you die and smoke your ashes!”

      Jan 20, 2010 at 7:43 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #18.2   GhostWriter bang

      the Beach Boy’s Brian Wilson.

      Jan 20, 2010 at 7:58 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #18.3   Woman on the Verge bang

      Is Keith Richards still alive? I know he’s still performing, but he’s been dead for, like 20 years, right?

      Jan 20, 2010 at 1:00 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #18.4   infant tyrone bang

      60′s + 70′s keyboardist who recorded with the Beatles, Stones, Kinks, Airplane, Quicksilver, and scads more…played with the Jerry Garcia Band for 5 months in 1975, but his application to join the Grateful Dead was not accepted by the band because…he took too many drugs…

      Jan 20, 2010 at 4:52 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #18.5   Palomon bang

      We deserve a break today…from ellipses!

      Jan 20, 2010 at 9:23 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #19   GhostWriter bang

    I’d like to point out that there is nothing actually wrong with taking a pen or paper off of a coworker’s desk, since it’s all company property. No real breach of trust, nor theft going on there. Supply hoarders need to be shown that they can’t squat on the office supply of rewritable CDs, Sharpies, and.or AA batteries (the rest of the stuff is just trash, I checked.)

    …which leads me to assume that the McDonald’s coupons probably originated from a community pile in the break room, where our Sincere PANner grabbed them and then foolishly displayed them on his own desk. They were probably sitting there for weeks, taunting the people who do go out for lunch. This guy no doubt packs a whitebread sammich everyday- what’s he gonna do with McD coupons that expire at the end of January? At least somebody benefitted, unlike the time he won the free office pizza party from WDVE, but then failed to set it up. Remember; he kept saying, “We can’t have it Wednesday, that’s when we do Toastmasters”? Oh yeah, and the classic, “Nobody wants a pizza party on Friday!”

    I also hate having to step into his office to check out the federal project guidance documents. Who appointed him librarian? A sign-out sheet? …when the documents are fastened to his shelf with a chain?? Seriously, this guy’s got control issues.

    Jan 20, 2010 at 8:42 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   anglophile bang

      He was saving those coupons for his big date Friday night. For lunch you can always order off the Dollar Menu, but if you want to impress a lady, you have to shell out for the Big Mac.

      Jan 20, 2010 at 9:11 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #19.2   Sarah

      Whether or not taking office supplies harms the person you’re taking them from depends on the company you work for. Some businesses require you to provide your own supplies, others make you document every little thing and may even take it out of your paycheck if they discover that you’ve “lost” more than x pens/post-it pads/et cetera per week. The latter is the case where I work.

      In my department, the poor secretary has to spend a lot of time on a fairly constant basis filing forms and trying to prove that she’s not stealing office supplies. People just come in to her office (which everyone in several different departments has access to even while she’s not there) and take things.

      You’d think that someone besides the office workers would realize that this policy ends up costing the company more money due to the man hours required to file and keep track of all this paperwork than just letting people use the supplies they need would, but then again that would require someone in HR and/or Accounting to be capable of basic reasoning.

      Jan 20, 2010 at 10:01 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #19.3   Geek Goddess

      She should post a note, Sarah.

      Jan 20, 2010 at 3:26 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #20   remah

    I would bet the culprit works for the cleaning staff. We finally hired a coworker’s mom to do the cleaning at our office because we were continually firing the previous staff/service because things kept getting stolen.

    Jan 20, 2010 at 9:20 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   anglophile bang

      Wow. I really, really, really hope I’m mistaken about the underlying assumption this comment seems to rest upon.

      Jan 20, 2010 at 10:41 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #20.2   adam

      Now you are the one doing the assuming, glo.

      Jan 20, 2010 at 11:16 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #20.3   anglophile bang

      Aren’t you just assuming I’m assuming, adam? ;)

      Jan 20, 2010 at 4:41 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #20.4   Palomon bang

      I suppose.

      Jan 20, 2010 at 9:25 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #20.5   park rose bang

      …assuming I were adam.

      Jan 20, 2010 at 11:28 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #21   lady of the lake

    Waves of shock roil the city this evening after a man described as “a great and very well-liked individual at his place of work” totally fucking lost it over 20 cents in McDonalds savings, ripped out his co-workers’ spines & buried them under rocks in the facility’s zen garden.

    Jan 20, 2010 at 9:46 am   rating: 27  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   Edwina the Defrocked Nun

      Yeah, no kidding. I’d be embarrassed to circulate an email like this one around the office with my name on it.

      Jan 20, 2010 at 11:58 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #21.2   TippingCows

      I’d be embarrassed too if I expressed myself with that many ellipses and couldn’t spell “cubicle”.

      Jan 20, 2010 at 3:23 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #21.3   Geek Goddess

      I’d be embarrassed too if I exposed myself.

      Jan 20, 2010 at 3:28 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #21.4   park rose bang

      We’d be excited. LotL, great comment!

      Jan 20, 2010 at 11:33 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #22   Pterosaur

    Dear Sir,

    I was obliged to confiscate your McDonalds coupons per our company policy. Your fast food diet and stress levels have exceeded the acceptable risk threshold. The impending heart attack would have cost the company health plan a fortune. Please enjoy the enclosed coupons for Lipitor and Xanax.

    With great sincerity,

    HR Benefits Administrator

    Jan 20, 2010 at 10:10 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   Geek Goddess

      ps: Please feel free to help yourself to the Splenda packets in the break room.

      Jan 20, 2010 at 3:32 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #23   oi bang

    although I don’t condone stealing, his email does not come across more than whine, that too totally ignorable whine. (like a bee’s buzz in a fish market.)Even a dull knife that would fail at cutting butter would be sharper than his sarcasm.

    Jan 20, 2010 at 10:22 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   GhostWriter bang

      Yes, and you could spend a good number of evenings playing poker with your friends, and never be dealt the specific cards needed to beat the high-handedness of his remarks.

      Jan 20, 2010 at 1:07 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #23.2   oi

      yeah exactly. If it was this easy to embarrass/humiliate the thieves then we won’t need this elaborate justice system. would we now?
      You gotta bring at least thief’s mother or Jesus or clip arts to qualify.
      And I have a palpable intuition that “thief” is none other than his overly cluttered drawer.

      Jan 20, 2010 at 2:40 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #24   The Hamburglar

    Robble, robble.

    Jan 20, 2010 at 12:15 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #25   Steph

    The coupons might be petty, but to be honest, I’d be pretty peeved too if people were taking things that belonged to me.

    Jan 20, 2010 at 1:01 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #26   Woman on the Verge bang

    You know, those expatriates from the Isle of Cubical need their coupon savings. It’s tough to make a living in a country that expects proper spelling and grammar.

    Jan 20, 2010 at 1:02 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #27   gaby




    Jan 20, 2010 at 1:27 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #28   Angfucious

    I love it when people use …. as a period. I’m going to guess that doing that would save him from having to hit shift to capitalize the first letter in the next sentence. so in conclusion….said emailer needs to learn some grammar skillz…..then maybe people might take him seriously….srsly.

    Jan 23, 2010 at 5:57 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

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