The Munchkins are restless.

January 25th, 2010 · 96 comments

“Our department head thought we should be be bringing in doughnuts more often,” says our anonymous submitter in Illinois. One of the department’s “severely underpaid” underlings, meanwhile, thought otherwise.

...If we were paid COMPETATIVE [sic] WAGES We could afford doughnuts!

UPDATE: For those of you asking “But where’s the ridiculous clip art?!” I bring you this rather dashing toreador/sheriff (as spotted by Mel in the break room of her Ithaca, New York office).

While Mel doesn’t disagree with the sentiment behind the note, “It’s a bit off-putting to be presumed guilty of theft before the fact,” she says. “Also, there seems to be a degree of randomness to the number of exclamation points at the end of each line.” (And of course, that dandy of a sheriff.)

PUT THE DONUT DOWN, AND STEP AWAY FROM THE COFFEE!!

related: Straight out of the Michael Scott Playbook

FILED UNDER: bold underlined italics · bullet points · coffee · exclamation-point happy!!!! · food · Illinois · now that's management · office · raging against the machine · rebuttals · spelling and grammar police


96 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Geek Goddess

    I call bs on these pans. First, there is no clip art. No weird punctuation, only one spelling mistake. Have we no pride, people? I mean, they didn’t even use comic sans!

    Jan 25, 2010 at 5:38 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   The Great Joe Bivins

      They used five dots in the first ellipsis (ellipses always come in groupings of three … … …), I call that weird punctuation.

      Jan 25, 2010 at 5:44 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   Critical Grass bang

      I agree with GG. What?! We don’t have standards anymore? Are we that desperate? C’mon, just throw a donut clipart there, we don’t ask for much!
      The least they could do was use Helvetica bold. Just saying…

      Jan 25, 2010 at 6:23 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   farcical aquatic ceremony

      As someone who is currently undergoing a soul-crushing in an office as depressing looking as this one, ruled by a socially inept, repellent but needy manager, I think the joylessness of the notes (boring font, lack o’ pics) is exactly right.

      Well, gotta go — time to blow out the pilot light in my oven…

      Jan 25, 2010 at 7:37 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.4   Joe bang

      I hate to pick nits (okay, that might be a stretch of the truth), but an ellipsis is not an ending punctuation, meaning that it is correct to end a sentence with 4 “dots.” I’m just sayin’ ….

      (But 5 is right out!)

      Jan 26, 2010 at 8:17 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.5   Peasant

      Sorry, Joe, but that only applies to quotations. When using an ellipsis in the manner used in the note, three dots is correct.

      Jan 26, 2010 at 9:30 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.6   Mo® bang

      Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out.

      Jan 26, 2010 at 1:41 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.7   Geek Goddess

      Well, that’s no ordinary Munchkin. That’s the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered doughnut you ever set eyes on.

      Jan 26, 2010 at 3:06 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.8   Languagegeek

      It’s not a Munchkin. It’s the Holy Hand Grenade.

      So lobbest thou that Holy Hand Grenade so thou mayest smite the manager because he is naughty in our sight.

      Then bring doughnuts.

      Jan 26, 2010 at 4:23 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.9   Bob

      The second one is from Cornell!

      Jan 28, 2010 at 8:43 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.10   Joe bang

      Sorry, Peasant, but that is not the case. 4 dots is correct when ending any sentence, not just quotes.

      Just a few sources:
      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ellipsis
      http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/marks/ellipsis.htm
      http://andromeda.rutgers.edu/~jlynch/Writing/e.html
      http://www1.csbsju.edu/writingcenters/handouts/guide_to_ellipses.htm

      Jan 29, 2010 at 11:57 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   wonkette

    If you want competitive wages, you first must win a spelling bee.

    Jan 25, 2010 at 5:40 pm   rating: 47  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   HS

    We represent the lollipop guild, the lollipop guild, the lollipop guild.
    And in the name of the Lollipop Guild,
    We wish to welcome you to Munchkin Land!

    Jan 25, 2010 at 5:41 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

     
  • #4   Kayley

    “Hey, we’re your boss, and we’re going to tell you what to do with the money we pay you.”

    Jan 25, 2010 at 5:43 pm   rating: 28  small thumbs up

     
  • #5   QuarterRoy00 bang

    Why is there a penis covered with powered-sugar poking out above the sign on the left?

    Is that the department “head”?

    Jan 25, 2010 at 5:48 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   jetjackson bang

      I guess the boss just sugar coats everything to make it seem more appealing.

      Jan 25, 2010 at 5:55 pm   rating: 26  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   mamason bang

      That department head was fucking delicious!

      Jan 25, 2010 at 6:03 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.3   watchtower

      I don’t think it’s powdered sugar.
      Just plain old garden-variety coke.

      Jan 25, 2010 at 6:03 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   Lord Awesome

    The idiot spelled competitive wrong. Maybe that is why they aren’t paid “competative” wages.

    Jan 25, 2010 at 5:48 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   Lynn

    But first, maybe we should invest in spellcheck!

    Jan 25, 2010 at 5:53 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   watchtower

    Is it just me, or does the munchkin on the cubicle wall look like a Munchkin’s brain?
    What does the munchkin coroner have to say?

    Jan 25, 2010 at 5:59 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   bright virago

      As Coroner I must aver,
      I thoroughly examined her.
      And she’s not only merely dead,
      she’s really most sincerely dead.

      Jan 25, 2010 at 7:14 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.2   Canthz_B bang

      This is your brain on drugs?

      Jan 25, 2010 at 7:22 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.3   park rose bang

      The munchkin topped itself.

      Jan 26, 2010 at 3:05 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.4   infant tyrone bang

      You know? They’re growing mechanical trees.
      They grow to their full height.
      And then they chop themselves down.
      Laurie Anderson Sharkey’s Day

      Jan 26, 2010 at 4:00 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   farcical aquatic ceremony

    Nothing says “spirit of generosity” like a gift that comes with a demand that someone give a gift in return. I’ll bet this manager asked guests at his/her wedding to cough up dough(-nuts! doh!) for their dinner.

    Jan 25, 2010 at 6:01 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   GhostWriter bang

    If not for the courage of the fearless crew, that munchkin would be lost.

    Jan 25, 2010 at 6:01 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   Geek Goddess

      So you took a three hour break?

      Jan 26, 2010 at 12:48 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.2   Mo® bang

      The skipper was on a jelly roll?

      Jan 26, 2010 at 1:43 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.3   park rose bang

      He thought it was swell, especially once he got his sea legs.

      Jan 28, 2010 at 4:45 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   mamason bang

    Those munchkins were fucking delicious! *I’ve been gone a while. I need time to get back into the flow*

    Jan 25, 2010 at 6:02 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Woman on the Verge bang

      Damn, where is that unitard… When I find it, mama, it’s all yours.

      Jan 25, 2010 at 6:26 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   Fridge Pirate

      Bring some doughnuts tomorrow you fucking munchkins!

      Jan 25, 2010 at 6:55 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.3   Frankie bang

      Found the unitard. I think I may have accidentally crept off with it some months back. Here ya go.

      Jan 26, 2010 at 4:48 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.4   mamason bang

      mmmm… smells like Frankie!

      Jan 26, 2010 at 6:39 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   bright virago

    Mmmmmmmmmmm…competative wages.

    Jan 25, 2010 at 6:10 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   Escape Goat

      Thumbs for the Homer reference.

      Jan 26, 2010 at 8:33 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   Palomon bang

      Epic.

      Jan 26, 2010 at 9:07 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   Becky

    Maybe they would be paid competitive wages if they could spell.

    Jan 25, 2010 at 6:14 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   tinkerbell2

      Maybe you would get more thumbs up if you read the other comments before posting.

      Jan 26, 2010 at 7:04 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   GhostWriter bang

    There is another sheet of paper hanging just out of sight on the right, saying, “…but since food is not allowed in the work area, there would be no point.”

    Jan 25, 2010 at 6:17 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   Hizzeather

    Is it just me, or does it look like the text on the right was added later. The paper is crooked, yet the text is not. It just looks fake to me.

    Jan 25, 2010 at 6:28 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   jadefirefly

      It’s just you. The paper on the right isn’t crooked — the paper on the left is. Optical Illusions ftw!

      Jan 25, 2010 at 7:02 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   cyntae

    I think my ex-boyfriend is missing his naughty bits!

    Jan 25, 2010 at 6:28 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   Wordtinker doesnt smith bang

      I know mine is, they sit in a teeny little jar on my mantle.

      Don’t blame me, I fired a warning shot.

      Jan 25, 2010 at 10:47 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   Makya

    If you are going to spell something wrong, be CARFUL to put it in all caps and 48 font.

    Jan 25, 2010 at 6:42 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   Escape Goat

    Nothing says “Yummy!” as an out-of-box Munchkin sitting on a cubicle divider.

    Jan 25, 2010 at 7:14 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   LordOfThePants

      To me, it says “target practice”.

      Jan 26, 2010 at 12:48 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.2   Mo® bang

      Take it on a tour of the business leave it on the counter in the bathroom for fecal mist to completely sop it with Eau du Doo.

      Jan 26, 2010 at 1:45 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.3   Geek Goddess

      Nothing says “Monday!” as an out-of-body experience sitting in a cubicle.

      Jan 26, 2010 at 3:08 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.4   Critical Grass bang

      GG, it’s CU-BI-CAL, don’t you remember? ;)

      Jan 26, 2010 at 7:25 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.5   Geek Goddess

      You say cubical, I say cubicle…

      Jan 27, 2010 at 1:11 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   Canthz_B bang

    Looks like someones spouse has decided that they’re eating healthy from now on.

    I see these couples in the supermarket all the time.
    There they are in the health foods/organic foods aisle, one eagerly reading labels, the other casting a longing eye at the goodies in other peoples’ carts.

    Jan 25, 2010 at 7:15 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   Escape Goat

      Nothing says “Nap Time” as much as a boss who thinks “Donuts” are going to motivate me.

      HAPPY FRIDAY: “Go NUTS” and have a “doNUT” … and enjoy your soul-devouring job!

      Jan 26, 2010 at 8:30 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #20   oi bang

    We provide you with the living for your life. That gives us a little authority about your workplace behavior, doesn’t t it? I demand respect and integrity for your wages. Bring donuts and give me a lap dance. Is that too hard? I did not ask for your fucking life! damn it!

    Jan 25, 2010 at 7:19 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   mamason bang

      ~ I ask for so little. Just let me rule you, and you can have everything that you want.~

      Jan 26, 2010 at 12:57 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #21   Pterosaur

    Management posted this note the following day:

    We pay our illiterate employees quite competitively. If you disagree, please send your typo-filled resume to our competitor.

    Oh, you did? They rejected you?

    I prefer bear claws and chocolate glazed. Two dozen should do it.

    With great sincerity,

    The Boss

    Jan 25, 2010 at 7:35 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   Adam

    Adam ranks munchkins according to deliciousness.

    1)Chocolate
    1a)Glazed
    3)Powdered
    4)Cinnamon
    5)Plain

    Jan 25, 2010 at 8:30 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   Crystal

      Are you munchkin profiling?

      Jan 25, 2010 at 10:17 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.2   Adam

      Unlike humans, all munchkins are NOT created equal.

      Jan 25, 2010 at 10:46 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.3   Palomon bang

      There are jelly filled munchkins now.
      Join the 21st century, luddite.

      Jan 26, 2010 at 12:59 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.4   adam

      Not a huge fan of jelly filled donuts.

      You can add them to the bottom of the list if you want.

      Jan 26, 2010 at 7:36 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.5   Mo® bang

      are all munchkins cake? I don’t like the cake donuts so I would put that near the bottom of the list.

      Jan 26, 2010 at 1:49 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.6   cubicle be-otch

      63) Potato Nutmeg
      64) Olive Jelly & Sprite
      65) Toothpaste
      66) Tilapia Raspberry
      67) Western Red Cedar

      Jan 28, 2010 at 3:13 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.7   TippingCows

      Da plain! Da plain!

      Jan 30, 2010 at 9:35 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   Ethnic Avenue

    I swear that 90 percent of all doughnut sales must come from offices.

    Jan 25, 2010 at 8:33 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   Adam

      Don’t forget about the police.

      Jan 25, 2010 at 9:15 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.2   Wordtinker doesnt smith bang

      Bad Cop! No doughnut!

      Jan 25, 2010 at 10:42 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.3   infant tyrone bang

      Righto, then…offices and officers.
      And the occasional stoner sale.
      NTTAWWT

      Jan 25, 2010 at 10:42 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.4   Adam

      Don’t forget about the obese.

      Jan 25, 2010 at 10:47 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.5   mamason bang

      You rang?

      Jan 26, 2010 at 1:00 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   Wade bang

    Trying to make people pay for breakroom coffee and doughnuts is like trying to impose internet usage fees for content people have been getting for free.

    Sounds good in theory, but those horses left the barn years ago.

    Jan 25, 2010 at 8:46 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   Wordtinker doesnt smith bang

      Well, if you leave the barn door open…
      everyone notices the flag at half mast.

      Jan 25, 2010 at 10:45 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.2   Canthz_B bang

      Those horses were pushing carts when they left.

      Jan 26, 2010 at 12:04 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.3   infant tyrone bang

      The dessert-wagon waitress may have been homely, but she was sweet.

      Jan 26, 2010 at 9:20 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.4   Mo® bang

      I think you need a license to have a hot dog cart.

      Jan 26, 2010 at 1:50 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.5   Palomon bang

      I’m so hungry I could eat a dog cart license.

      Jan 26, 2010 at 9:15 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #25   Canthz_B bang

    I have a hard and fast rule never to spend money where I work.
    I only go there to get their money, not to give it right back.

    Jan 25, 2010 at 10:52 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   Pterosaur

      I totally agree, Canthz. I normally would’ve been on Team Employee on this one. But the only thing that I resent more than donut obligation is illiterate retards with jobs when I’m still unemployed.

      Team Hire Me Instead.

      Jan 26, 2010 at 8:09 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.2   jason

      Amen. I worked at a restaurant where the owner pressured me to stay after work and buy drinks every day. Fuck him, and fuck this guy.

      Jan 28, 2010 at 8:37 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #26   Steph

    And maybe if you could spell ‘competitive’ they would pay you enough money to afford said doughnuts.

    Jan 25, 2010 at 10:52 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   Canthz_B bang

      You can say that again!

      Jan 26, 2010 at 2:09 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.2   Geek Goddess

      Sorry, I missed that. What did you say?

      Jan 26, 2010 at 12:50 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.3   GramPo

      Is “competative” a portmanteau of contemplative and competitive?

      Jan 26, 2010 at 9:47 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #27   Canthz_B bang

    While the written instructions order that employees reach for their wallets, some may be more motivated to follow the visual instruction in the clipart.

    Jan 26, 2010 at 12:01 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #28   Angela

    Cops do love doughnuts.

    Jan 26, 2010 at 7:13 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #29   Rachet

    Is that a tribble on the cubicle wall?

    LOVE that sheriff clipart. The boots make the outfit!

    Jan 26, 2010 at 7:52 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   Hmmm

    I like that “Glengarry Glen Ross” vibe…

    Put that donut down! The donuts are for closers only!

    Jan 26, 2010 at 8:01 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #31   shesajem

    I didn’t see the little treat on top of the wall and so was wondering why they were giving him a munchkin… because really you can’t eat muchkins.. I mean thats just cruel..

    Jan 26, 2010 at 9:09 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #31.1   Renagade676

      They are ALL edible when deep-fried properly.

      Jan 28, 2010 at 6:29 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #32   Kate

    Clearly, I need to send my coworker to get her tips from these folks. When our manager said no more bagels and doughnuts, she just waited until he had a day off and put up a sign that said “FUCK THE BUDGET.”

    Jan 26, 2010 at 10:05 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #33   Hungover Guy

    As much as I can understand right now, I think you’re right!

    Jan 27, 2010 at 8:19 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #34   jason

    If you were capable of competitive spelling, you might deserve doughnuts.

    Jan 28, 2010 at 8:34 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #35   pumper

    ahahaha….. I used to work there(recognize the decor). the doughnuts are legendary. you not only must bring them, they must be from the RIGHT place…. not just any box, the PINK box.

    Jan 28, 2010 at 10:15 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #36   Max Time bang

    awh if I worked their I wish that would be my cubical where the notes posted outside of so I could get the free doughnut munchkin thingy’s then sell them on the streets :[D~

    Jan 29, 2010 at 9:24 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #37   peon

    What you need to know about that second note is that it’s in a break area on a college campus that is unlocked and open to students — Ivy-League students who think all food in campus buildings is included in their tuition payments.

    Jan 30, 2010 at 3:52 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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