You need some help

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February 2nd, 2010 · 147 comments

On a lark, Michelle in Florida posted a profile on the online dating site OKCupid after taking one of the site’s quizzes late one night, allowing the site to pull most of her interests and whatnot from Facebook.

“I didn’t think anything more of it,” she says, that is, until she got this “helpful” message — apparently one adjunct university professor’s idea of a charming conversation starter.

related: Not-a-match.com

FILED UNDER: "helpful" advice · online dating · unsolicited feedback

147 responses so far ↓

#1 not gen anything

I like the lipstick? Creepy stalker professor strikes again.

Feb 2, 2010 at 10:58 pm rating: 31

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#2 Wade

His self-description, however, is crystal clear.

Douchecanoe.

Feb 2, 2010 at 11:03 pm rating: 65

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- #2.1 Captain Yes
  
  It sounds like garbage migrated into her profile and he was just alerting her that it was messed up. It doesn’t look like he was trying to pick her up.
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 4:58 am rating: 16
- #2.2 park rose
  
  You need some help.
  No, no, I’m not writing to insult you. I just mean your comment is, well . . . very illogical. The avatar is nice. I like your eyes. But your meaning is completely unclear…Except when it’s not unclear. It all contrasts, though. Why don’t you do that more often?
  Anyway, I hope I didn’t offend you. I just wanted to be helpful.
  Palomon.
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 9:25 am rating: 21
- #2.3 Evie
  
  “Douchecanoe”?! That is probably the funniest thing I’ve read all morning… Are you, by any chance, a fellow Canadian?!
  
  I think I’m going to have to ask your permission to use that everyone in a while!!
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 10:26 am rating: 3
- #2.4 Rene
  
  Yeah, I hope this ass-clown reads this website.
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 11:25 am rating: 3
- #2.5 Mark
  
  Douchiecanoe, and Tyler too!
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 12:39 pm rating: 12
- #2.6 Mo®
  
  I love leatherstalking tales!
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 12:52 pm rating: 2
- #2.7 Wade
  
  Maybe I should be the first to trademark it!
  
  Douchecanoe™
  
  I claim no ownership, Evie. Feel free to go out and spread the news!
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 1:40 pm rating: 3
- #2.8 park rose
  
  Il Douchecanoe for those times when a simple douche is not enough.
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 4:59 pm rating: 4
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#3 Palomon

You’re a dumb cow. Date me.

Feb 2, 2010 at 11:19 pm rating: 66

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#4 MisterDNA

Does Michelle in Florida have “looking for a nit-picking control freak” in her dating profile? If so, I believe we have a match!

Feb 2, 2010 at 11:20 pm rating: 36

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- #4.1 park rose
  
  It “contrasts?” I like my nit-pickers to have standards, damn it!
  
  Feb 2, 2010 at 11:54 pm rating: 3
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#5 KoS

The “apology” at the end is a nice touch, though, don’t you think?

Feb 2, 2010 at 11:21 pm rating: 5

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#6 Sparkles23

No offense, but…

Feb 2, 2010 at 11:22 pm rating: 4

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- #6.1 felix
  
  All due respect, …
  
  Feb 2, 2010 at 11:28 pm rating: 4
- #6.2 jetjackson
  
  “No disrespect!”
  
  Feb 2, 2010 at 11:31 pm rating: 0
- #6.3 Canthz_B
  
  I don’t mean this in a bad way…
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 3:06 am rating: 5
- #6.4 Canthz_B
  
  Oh, a woman at my job was pissed a couple of weeks ago because her boyfriend gave her a:
  
  “Can I say something that might make you mad?”
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 3:09 am rating: 16
- #6.5 Critical Grass
  
  Don’t take this the wrong way but…
  
  you’re not at all attractive.
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 6:50 am rating: 8
- #6.6 Mark
  
  Bless your heart.
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 9:59 am rating: 15
- #6.7 Mo®
  
  “it’s not me it’s you!”
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 10:42 am rating: 3
- #6.8 AhSookieSookieNow!
  
  I’ll be praying for you…
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 12:26 pm rating: 6
- #6.9 infant tyrone
  
  The prizes are at 1:03 & 2:11
  
  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dnTfex_JeqU
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 2:49 pm rating: 0
- #6.10 oi
  
  No offence but…
  it was a BS.
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 4:05 pm rating: 0
- #6.11 Betch
  
  I’m happy for you, and imma let you finish, but…
  
  ….oh, too late?
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 7:48 pm rating: 4
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#7 Ethnic Avenue

Maybe he’s working the whole English professor angle.

I use it all the time!

Feb 2, 2010 at 11:23 pm rating: 1

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#8 jetjackson

Maybe he had a long day and just got marking essays and online dating mixed up. Meanwhile students at the University of Florida are getting confusing feedback.

“18/20. Well researched. It seems we share the same passion for Schumpeters theory of creative destruction. You have beautiful eyes. How about coffee on Thursday?”

Feb 2, 2010 at 11:27 pm rating: 126

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- #8.1 anglophile
  
  When Ryan got his marks back, he was thrilled and went immediately to Abercrombie and Fitch to buy a tighter pair of jeans to wear on Thursday.
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 7:38 am rating: 88
- #8.2 clumber
  
  Error : already voted
  Error : already voted
  
  DAMN!
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 11:42 am rating: 5
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#9 Roly

Creepy Prof. Wouldn’t go there again lol

Feb 2, 2010 at 11:29 pm rating: 1

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#10 Kaitlyn

Oh, there are a lot of passive aggressive dicks on OKcupid. I had to post a special note in the “who should contact me” section about not contacting me to start a fight about my politics or criticize me. You’d think single men would have better things to do than pester an attractive single woman online, but then again…they are on OKcupid.

Feb 2, 2010 at 11:41 pm rating: 11

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- #10.1 Palomon
  
  You’re a dumb cow, too. Date me.
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 12:03 am rating: 38
- #10.2 Canthz_B
  
  Um, you’re on there too, right?
  
  Or am I missing something
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 3:04 am rating: 15
- #10.3 Yohan
  
  Way to think too highly of yourself and not get some in real life Kaitlyn.
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 9:17 am rating: 14
- #10.4 Act
  
  I had to do the same thing (leave a note at the end to ward off assholes)… the online dating scene is weird. On one hand, there are normal people who, for a variety of good reasons, prefer to meet people online. But on the other hand, there really are some mom’s-basementers and dumbasses who contact you and you just have to think to yourself… no wonder you’re not meeting anyone IRL.
  
  Incidentally, I actually ended up meeting someone pretty cool.
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 9:27 am rating: 11
- #10.5 park rose
  
  Yohan’s bach is worse than his bite.
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 7:35 pm rating: 4
- #10.6 Canthz_B
  
  You didn’t “have to” add any instructions as to who should contact you about what, and what you don’t want to have anyone send you.
  You chose to add that little clue to your personality.
  All you really need to do is ignore the odd idiot who choses to try to push your buttons. Instead, you posted your buttons.
  
  One of my joys in life is sending “Flirts” to women who write “Please don’t send me any Flirts.”
  If you don’t like Flirts, ladies, just ignore them.
  Besides, guys know that “Don’t send me Flirts” is code for “I’m not dealing with a man who’s too cheap (or broke) to pay for a membership to this dating website.”
  
  And please…stop sending me Flirts!!
  
  Feb 4, 2010 at 4:21 am rating: 4
- #10.7 Act
  
  @Canthz
  
  Not sure why you’re so insulted by the idea that women don’t want creepy, immature men sending them messages. If you want to get all fempsych, a man sending you a “flirt” or whatever when you say you don’t want it sends up all kinds of red signals– that this guy can’t even respect these tiny little boundaries. Telling a woman to “ignore” any kind of advance that sends up those type of flags is asinine. It’s perfectly within our rights to not want certain types of messages.
  
  Also, and I know this is weird and you’re just going to have to believe me, when I made it clear in my profile I would not be responding to immature (or just stupid and sometimes very explicit) come-ons, they stopped happening almost completely. Obviously there’s no complete stupid filter, but the type of person who would send those messages generally stopped bothering.
  
  …wow, I’ve been spending WAY too much time on Jezebel.
  
  Feb 4, 2010 at 9:52 pm rating: 17
- #10.8 Canthz_B
  
  I’m not insulted by a thing. Men don’t like getting creepy, needy messages either, but I’m not going to include something negative in my profile. I can always contact that person and say thanks, but no thanks…or block them using the tools available on most dating sites.
  I don’t respond to women who can’t spell or have really bad grammar, but I don’t need to put that in my profile.
  
  I’m just saying that, speaking of sending up red flags, adding little demands to a profile where you should be accentuating your positives isn’t the brightest thing to do.
  But if you think it a good idea to “give someone a piece of your mind”, more power to you.
  
  Sure, you made clear that you wouldn’t respond to certain types of messages and they stopped, but have you considered how many perfectly nice guys would have contacted you but decided not to because you sounded too bitchy to them? Bitching in advance, as it were?
  
  I know it’s a definite turn-off for me.
  
  I don’t need to see what you don’t want in your life in your profile. I’m interested to know what you do want in your life.
  
  Believe it or not, inferences about your personality are being made by others based solely upon the profile you create. If you wouldn’t meet a person for the first time and start telling them what you don’t like, can’t stand and won’t tolerate, then it should not be in your profile…your first time meeting thousands of people.
  
  Flies, honey, vinegar.
  
  Feb 4, 2010 at 10:20 pm rating: 2
- #10.9 Canthz_B
  
  Anyway, when you post a profile on a public website, you give up a certain amount of control over who chooses to respond to you.
  That’s just the nature of the beast, so don’t bother getting your knickers in a bunch over it.
  
  Feb 4, 2010 at 11:17 pm rating: 1
- #10.10 Act
  
  I know it’s a definite turn-off for me.
  
  I’ll keep in mind that assertive women threaten you as I make my way through this.
  
  I don’t respond to women who can’t spell or have really bad grammar, but I don’t need to put that in my profile.
  
  Why not? You save someone who doesn’t care about that stuff the time of messaging you (poorly) and save yourself some time, too. If something is a deal-breaker, it’s dumb not to say so and I’m not sure what you’re out to prove. That you’re sunny and happy all the time?!?!?!?! :D:D:D:D
  
  Sure, you made clear that you wouldn’t respond to certain types of messages and they stopped, but have you considered how many perfectly nice guys would have contacted you but decided not to because you sounded too bitchy to them?
  
  Not really, largely because of the upswing in the quality of messages I got after I put it up. Frankly, if a note in my profile saying, “Treat me respectfully,” deterred a “nice” guy from messaging me, he wasn’t the kind of nice guy I’m interested in, and the message had the desired effect.
  
  I don’t need to see what you don’t want in your life in your profile. I’m interested to know what you do want in your life.
  
  LOLWUT. “When getting to know someone I might date, I am not interested in what they don’t want in a mate.” Because if you hate something, the worst thing you could do it tell your potential partner. That would be silly! Not to mention how many of these types of sites have a place for you to specifically list your dislikes.
  
  Frankly, you sound exactly like the kind of person I was trying to deter. Not concerned with my boundaries or my wants, doesn’t care about my dislikes (though, “likes” are valid circumstantially), thinks that expecting to be treated well and saying so is “bitchy” and unattractive…
  
  This is some hard, hard trolling. Either that, or you’re an asshole of epic, epic proportions.
  
  Feb 4, 2010 at 11:25 pm rating: 21
- #10.11 Canthz_B
  
  I sound that way because you are not very open-minded and feel that I am attacking you, which I am not doing. Of course, if you had come across my personals profile, you’d have a better idea of the real me, not this CB persona, but I guess you think Canthz_B is real, huh?
  This is a simple disagreement over what makes an attractive personals profile, nothing more.
  Why have you lost it so?
  
  The cats thing is the total opposite of what I’m saying.
  Asking that someone be willing to “Treat me respectfully” is far different from calling someone “creepy, immature”. In fact, calling people who respond to your personal profile creepy and immature is quite far from treating them respectfully. Do unto others…?
  
  I actually like an assertive woman, but not an arrogant one, certainly not one who looks for fights were there are none. I happen to like a peaceful relationship.
  
  No, I don’t like poor spelling or grammar. It’s not “dumb” not to include that fact in my profile, just a personal choice of mine not to, or would you like to write my profile for me to make it “smarter”?
  I don’t need to see a woman’s negatives in her profile. If I find them interesting enough to try to get to know, I will learn those things in due time, maybe even after enough time to put them in their best light.
  Best foot forward, ya know?
  
  You seem to be taking this personally when I’m only talking about the same things that a great many relationship sites teach us about what to put in our profiles and what to try to steer clear of.
  
  Do you take many things personally?
  
  I’m no troll around these parts, and name calling is creepy and immature.
  Or is anyone who disagrees with your approach to things an epic asshole?
  
  Funny thing is, even now you’re showing your sweet disposition, and all I did was assert that, in my opinion, profiles without negatives do better than those which include negatives. Never told you to change yours, said “more power to you” in fact.
  But no,you needed to respond point by point.
  Way to show that there’s nothing wrong with you.
  I too have responded point by point, but everyone knows there’s something wrong with me!
  
  I still maintain that our personals profiles are not the proper place to vent our “issues”.
  But do as you like. It affects my life not.
  
  Feb 4, 2010 at 11:39 pm rating: 3
- #10.12 Canthz_B
  
  ME: “If you don’t like Flirts, ladies, just ignore them.”
  
  ACT: If you want to get all fempsych, a man sending you a “flirt” or whatever when you say you don’t want it sends up all kinds of red signals– that this guy can’t even respect these tiny little boundaries. Telling a woman to “ignore” any kind of advance that sends up those type of flags is asinine. It’s perfectly within our rights to not want certain types of messages.”
  
  I think you grossly misunderstood what I was saying. Your response would have been perfectly rational and correct, had I been saying what you assumed, which I wasn’t.
  I was saying ignore the flirts and the people who send them, not ignore the flirt but give the idiot who sent it a pass on ignoring your wishes.
  Who in their right mind would do such a thing?
  
  That’s what happens when you respond out of anger. Instead of actually reading what’s written, you read what you expected to be there, not what’s actually there.
  
  I was saying responding to those who do as you ask them not to do is a waste of time, for one. And probably just the rise they were trying to get out of you.
  
  Best to ignore it.
  It’s the internet. It’s not like these are people you have to interact with unless you choose to.
  
  You just happen to choose to let perfect strangers get under your skin.
  
  I’ve had women I’m not attracted to respond to my personal ad, and I’ve responded with a cordial thank you, but..
  
  I’ve also had women post derogatory comments on my personal ad, I just ignore them…I won’t dignify their comment with a response, much less change my profile to tell the world the obvious…that no one likes receiving derogatory comments so don’t send me any.
  
  What’s dumb is letting a stranger make you change your personals profile.
  They won,because you allowed them to dictate how you define yourself to the world.
  
  But you don’t get that.
  Too bad.
  
  Feb 7, 2010 at 11:27 pm rating: 0
- #10.13 Jim Bob
  
  Incidentally, Canthz B is the guy that ACT met after she put the measure in, and they lived happily never after. What could be a better pairing than a Negative Raging Bitch and a Hard Trolling Asshole of Epic Proportions. By the way I thank you act for putting that together for me. I would have never come up with it on my own.
  
  Feb 9, 2010 at 2:58 pm rating: 5
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#11 Naoyusimi

What is *that* about? I got a couple of those, once upon a time . . . there is that “method” out there where guys “learn” that insulting women is a pick-up technique. However, I think that’s just effective with the women who have a combination of an IQ under 100 and self-esteem that leans toward non-existent.

No, it never worked with me.

Feb 2, 2010 at 11:48 pm rating: 10

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- #11.1 Palomon
  
  You’re a really dumb cow. Call me.
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 12:04 am rating: 22
- #11.2 Naoyusimi
  
  Ooooh! Hot stud-alert!
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 12:06 am rating: 18
- #11.3 jetjackson
  
  You mean ‘negging’ from ‘the game’.
  
  That whole pick-up-artist industry is built around convincing sexless young men that even a balding, obese, no hoper can ‘pick up’ a ’9 out of 10′ as if she were a piece of meat. It’s akin to the ‘get rich quick’ BS and it sells books. Boils my blood!
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 12:10 am rating: 27
- #11.4 Palomon
  
  You’ll never go broke underestimating…god, you are such a dumb cow. Why aren’t you naked yet?
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 12:12 am rating: 21
- #11.5 Peasant
  
  Anyone who has learned “the method” knows that whenever it doesn’t work, it is because the woman is a lesbian.
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 12:13 am rating: 32
- #11.6 Palomon
  
  No, no, no- when you’ve mastered the method, there is no such thing as a lesbian- within 10 feet of the master, of course.
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 12:18 am rating: 18
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#12 Seanette

This guy teaches at university level and cannot correctly spell “writing”?

Feb 2, 2010 at 11:52 pm rating: 39

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#13 park rose

Never mind.

Feb 2, 2010 at 11:58 pm rating: 1

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- #13.1 Palomon
  
  I’m gonna need more cowbell.
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 12:05 am rating: 19
- #13.2 park rose
  
  Where’s the manager? I wanna to talk to somebody serious.
  This thread has degenerated from nits to gnats. Where’s a fly-swatter when you really need one?
  Or I could just use my tail, guess, or hoof. Masticate you up well and good spit you out along with all the other ~~crud~~ cud our there, and leave you on the dung heap to dry. I don’t think any one of my four digestive tracts could be expected to, well, stomach you
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 12:54 am rating: 7
- #13.3 Palomon
  
  You flirting with me?
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 8:39 am rating: 3
- #13.4 park rose
  
  Playful S.W.A.T.
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 9:01 am rating: 3
- #13.5 oi
  
  rose all I got is
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 10:08 am rating: 2
- #13.6 Jim Bob
  
  I masticate all the time…wait thats…never mind. Does anyone have a towel?
  
  Feb 9, 2010 at 3:00 pm rating: 2
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#14 oi

Hey hey you can’t go in there. You are on crutches! You will slow down the whole line. No No i am not insulting you. I am looking out for you . You know these guys are not very nice they might hurt you if they don’t get their ice-cream in timely manner. See I have nothing but worry for you.

Feb 3, 2010 at 12:00 am rating: 8

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#15 Naoyusimi

Michelle needs to stop larking.

Feb 3, 2010 at 12:05 am rating: 5

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#16 VentureSister

Hey, let’s just be glad the prick didn’t throw in a “hon” in there for good measure, just in case his superiority wasn’t obvious enough.

Feb 3, 2010 at 12:40 am rating: 17

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- #16.1 Naoyusimi
  
  OH, GODS! You hate that, too?!
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 12:41 am rating: 4
- #16.2 VentureSister
  
  SO MUCH. Not just when men say it (although that is probably the most obnoxious thing a man can call a woman, in my book) but also when women say it. It’s just so. freakin. condescending. There is no way to say it without sounding like a douchecanoe, in my opinion. Twat, cunt, angry names are all fine with me, but I HATE smug superiority.
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 2:05 am rating: 11
- #16.3 Languagegeek
  
  Pumpkin
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 9:34 am rating: 15
- #16.4 Mo®
  
  Bitsy Pookums
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 3:19 pm rating: 3
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#17 Catburglar

You sound good. Me sound good. Me English professor. Me good at writting. Me serious. Call. Ugg.

Feb 3, 2010 at 12:41 am rating: 37

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- #17.1 park rose
  
  I am the ugg boot. I am the Wal-Mart…
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 1:09 am rating: 21
- #17.2 Mark
  
  How is babby formed?????
  
  how girl get pragnent?
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 10:03 am rating: 18
- #17.3 oi
  
  psst! Mark, everybody knows that baby is formed out of stork’s saliva.
  but the real question is,
  If girl is already pregnant with a girl baby and if she have sex then would baby get pregnant too?
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 10:11 am rating: 8
- #17.4 Mo®
  
  Mmmmm zuuggg zuugggg oi(oola) ?
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 3:20 pm rating: 2
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#18 infant tyrone

OKStupid…did I get the site name right ?

Y’all are all connecting with good, solid body shots on the Prof.
(It’s not as if hitting him in the head is likely to do much damage).

But, to be the Devil’s defense lawyer (if only to lay the groundwork for a decent plea bargain), I really want to see what her profile looked like.
She took one of their ‘quizzes’ and let a proprietary software application use her FB data as raw material. Excuse me if I don’t act shocked if the
site made her look like the personality version of Duchamp’s ‘Nude Descending a Staircase’ (but her lipstick was perfect).

cue music (crank it and you can hear Donna)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D_xBHqLNgaQ&feature=related

Feb 3, 2010 at 12:47 am rating: 16

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- #18.1 jetjackson
  
  Ty that is my favourite painting.
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 6:48 am rating: 0
- #18.2 infant tyrone
  
  JJ,
  
  Here’s a small screen version of mine. Full screen toggle is at bottom right of image. If your trip takes you into NYC, check it out at MOMA.
  
  I think of Sturgeon’s More Than Human whenever I see it.
  
  http://www.moma.org/collection/browse_results.php?criteria=O%3AAD%3AE%3A5821&page_number=8&template_id=1&sort_order=1
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 1:07 pm rating: 1
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#19 Canthz_B

I guess if you sleep with your teaching assistants long enough you forget what real women respond to.
The answer to “Was it good for you?” is never, “B+. Slow start, but you really finished strong!”

Feb 3, 2010 at 3:01 am rating: 24

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- #19.1 park rose
  
  Calling BS on this guy being a professor of anything…
  Unless he’s the head of his department. Richard head…
  Well, someone had to make the joke.
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 4:52 am rating: 11
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#20 metoo

Glad I’m not the only one! Some guy said I looked like a witch in my picture, when I took very mild offence (along the lines of: you think I look like a witch? Thanks) he turned really nasty and said, no, I looked like a prostitute that serviced witches (for the record, you can see my face and hands and no other skin in my picture), that I had low self-esteem if I couldn’t take a joke etc. etc. Actually, I can take a joke but don’t see why I should take insults from random internet jerks.

Feb 3, 2010 at 3:08 am rating: 28

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- #20.1 Canthz_B
  
  Here’s why…because you put yourself out there, and some people are assholes.
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 3:13 am rating: 6
- #20.2 park rose
  
  They exist in pubs, too. Plonk themselves at your table while you’re talking to your (male) friends. Flash their wedding ring but try to pick you up and bore everyone silly with circuitous stories of their exploits. Go into rants about how you are an out and out bitch and responsible for all the world’s wrongs, and especially all that is wrong in their life, and they’ve got your number (not literally), and they can see right through you (not literally), because you ask them if they came with friends, and if so, could they sit with them? You were well polite before that, too, and asked politely if they could possibly get the fuck out of your face (not that you used those words). If one of the guys had asked, I bet the offender would not have turned on them with so much vitriol and venom, and would have just sidled off to the corner he emerged from. Arseholes do exist. Sadly, if you are in the public domain in some way insults are a possibility, but no, you shouldn’t have to put up with them.
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 5:12 am rating: 22
- #20.3 infant tyrone
  
  Plonk themselves at your table while you’re talking to your (male) friends.
  
  If this happened more than occasionally I would seriously reconsider the value(s) of my reticent pub-crawling/dwelling companions (dose boyz).
  
  The longer they’re silent, the less solidarity there is.
  Yes, you should be able to brush off an asshole by yourself,
  but if you’re out with ‘friends’ you shouldn’t be by yourself.
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 8:20 am rating: 17
- #20.4 park rose
  
  Agreed. Ah well. We laughed about it later. And they were friends, and remain so.
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 9:02 am rating: 5
- #20.5 infant tyrone
  
  Something tells me they have other attributes to balance that shyness.
  
  I had a girlfriend decades ago that my best male buddy described as being able to start other people’s fights for them. We were in a bar one time (circa 1985) and she kept going on with this Vietnam Vet (not one of the antiwar variety) about how stupid/evil the war had been, etc.
  Wasn’t sure I was going to go home unscathed (chivalry appeared to be in da house), but somehow I got the conversation shifted to a neutral topic and then put ourselves in gear to leave at the earliest possible moment.
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 1:20 pm rating: 1
- #20.6 park rose
  
  Yes, I had a female friend like that. Didn’t matter whether her companions were male or female, you’d end up embroiled in her chaos, because you cared about her, but it was freaking tiresome.
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 7:49 pm rating: 1
- #20.7 Jim Bob
  
  Because men are pigs. When my wife tells me how screwed up I am its okay, but if I calmly and rationally inform her that she must put the lid on the pickles before placing them in the refrigerator. I become an ASSHOLE OF EPIC PROPORTIONS, much like my friend Canthz B, though he is of the Hard Trolling variety where I am just plain jane.
  
  Feb 9, 2010 at 3:05 pm rating: 1
add to this thread
#21 Pterosaur

Dear Prof. Dick,

Although you adequately presented your thesis, I must deduct points for the misspelling, poor comma usage, and run-on sentence. You also failed to site any sources as evidence to your arguments. I recommend remedial work from The Elements of Style.

C+

With great sincerity,

Michelle

Feb 3, 2010 at 6:24 am rating: 34

reply to this comment
- #21.1 park rose
  
  C+ for cite, right, Pterosaur? Still, A+ for the rest of it. Strunk out on that one, perhaps, and no White-out for miles around, neither for love nor money.
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 9:05 am rating: 9
- #21.2 G
  
  Cite sources, goddamnit.
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 9:06 am rating: 7
- #21.3 park rose
  
  This is for Pterosaur, and maybe for G, and mostly for me. Sources. Sauces. Sight/Cite/Site Sorcerers.
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 9:42 am rating: 2
- #21.4 infant tyrone
  
  Yo, G…
  
  Like this ?
  Or is it too much like citing sites of sources ?
  
  http://www.cedcc.psu.edu/khanjan/ccUganda/028_Source%20of%20the%20Nile.JPG
  
  http://www.suite101.com/view_image.cfm/468941
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 2:14 pm rating: 1
- #21.5 Pterosaur
  
  A typo in a post mocking grammatical errors in an email criticizing the composition of a profile. Is that double or triple irony? I lost count.
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 3:42 pm rating: 11
- #21.6 infant tyrone
  
  From The Crying of Lot 49:
  But our beauty lies,” explained Metzger, “in this extended capacity for convolution. A lawyer in a courtroom, in front of any jury, becomes an actor, right? Raymond Burr is an actor, impersonating a lawyer, who in front of a jury becomes an actor. Me, I’m a former actor who became a lawyer. They’ve done the pilot film of a TV series, in fact, based loosely on my career, starring my friend Manny Di Presso, a one-time lawyer who quit his firm to become an actor. Who in this pilot plays me, an actor become a lawyer reverting periodically to being an actor. The film is in an air-conditioned vault at one of the Hollywood studios, light can’t fatigue it, it can be repeated endlessly.”
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 4:05 pm rating: 5
add to this thread
#22 Critical Grass

Michelle, I need you to be more straight foward, like, where are all the naked pictures?

Don’t worry, I’m a doctor.
Oh, wait…

Feb 3, 2010 at 6:58 am rating: 11

reply to this comment
#23 Gunderson

E-Harmony.

Sorry.
Your application to join our match-making service has been rejected.

You failed question #14: “What do you like most in a woman?”

“My Dick” was not an acceptable answer.

Feb 3, 2010 at 7:26 am rating: 26

reply to this comment
- #23.1 Jim Bob
  
  You got that message too.
  
  Feb 9, 2010 at 3:06 pm rating: 0
add to this thread
#24 micheyd

Oh, isn’t nice of him to mansplain everything to the poor, dumb lady!

Feb 3, 2010 at 7:27 am rating: 21

reply to this comment
- #24.1 anglophile
  
  He’s just trying to help. Because she probably doesn’t know that her profile makes her look illogical. Of course we all know how illogical women are, bless them.
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 7:52 am rating: 24
add to this thread
#25 Sammy

As just a good rule of thumb, if anything starts off with “I’m not writing to insult you”. I immediately prepare myself to be insulted.

Feb 3, 2010 at 7:28 am rating: 19

reply to this comment
#26 anglophile

I might date him. He’d be a better catch than my last online prospect, who suddenly had to fly to Nigeria to be at his father’s deathbed.

Also, Michelle, we know you didn’t join “on a lark”. It’s ok to Internet date. Better than meeting drunken men in bars, in my opinion.

But don’t give anyone your bank account number to help him get his inheritance out of Nigeria.

Feb 3, 2010 at 7:48 am rating: 14

reply to this comment
#27 anglophile

Capt. James T. Kirk: How’s that whole online dating thing working out, Spock?

Spock: I regret to say my efforts have not produced the expected results, Captain. Human females appear to be unreceptive to my efforts to help. I find your species illogical.

Feb 3, 2010 at 8:01 am rating: 39

reply to this comment
- #27.1 Canthz_B
  
  Kirk: Not the whole of our species, Mr. Spock. But I admit, human females can be difficult to understand at certain times of the lunar cycle.
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 8:14 am rating: 4
- #27.2 infant tyrone
  
  Spock (doing his best Shatner impression): Yes…Jim…on the other hand…human males…are…quite…consistently…hard to understand.
  Like…WTF is with…Chekov…muttering about…”Cossacks” ?
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 3:52 pm rating: 2
add to this thread
#28 Thanks!

This guy’s message sounds like the notes my English II professor left while grading (quite brutally) our papers. What a tool.

Feb 3, 2010 at 8:12 am rating: 1

reply to this comment
- #28.1 anglophile
  
  I hope you’re saying Richard is the tool, and not your English II professor, whose job it was to quite brutally grade your papers.
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 9:02 am rating: 8
- #28.2 Thanks!
  
  Of course Richard is the tool. My professor was doing her job, but dumbass Richard is “trying” to get a date.
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 3:34 pm rating: 7
- #28.3 Jim Bob
  
  and he is only implying that his professor is a tool. But he is not trying to insult her, he is just letting her know that the “good job” on last weeks paper and the “Did your mom drop you when you were a child” on this weeks contrast, but he knows she will follow up strong on his final grades.
  
  Feb 9, 2010 at 3:10 pm rating: 0
add to this thread
#29 Jenna

Don’t be a Richard.

Feb 3, 2010 at 8:27 am rating: 4

reply to this comment
#30 Joe 2

“I took some time off from grading papers (read “playing WOW”) to insult you. No offense.”

I don’t know about you, Michelle, but MY nipples are hard.

Feb 3, 2010 at 8:32 am rating: 22

reply to this comment
#31 Critical Grass

Is that what the World’s coming to? Annoying people because you don’t think the content of their online profile is cohesive enough? MIND YOU OWN BUSINESS!

Feb 3, 2010 at 9:27 am rating: 6

reply to this comment
- #31.1 Jim Bob
  
  Thats YOUR own business. You will never get a date with Canthz B with you inate ability to misspell the simplest words. I am not trying to offend you by the way.
  
  Feb 9, 2010 at 3:11 pm rating: 2
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#32 Escape Goat

No wonder Dick is all alone these days.

Feb 3, 2010 at 10:16 am rating: 1

reply to this comment
#33 Joe

>…late one night, allowing the site to pull most of
>her interests and whatnot from Facebook.
>
>“I didn’t think anything more of it,” she says, that
>is, until…

Am I the only one let down by this? I was hoping Michelle would reveal she let some terribly embarrassing Facebook joke (like being married to her BFF Jill — or worse) get thrown out on the dating site. Maybe there was nothing “unclear” in her profile, and this creep is a nitpicker.

But I think there’s more to it, and Michelle just chose not to reveal it because it damages her image. Instead, she used PAN to direct the embarrassment on someone else.

Feb 3, 2010 at 11:45 am rating: 5

reply to this comment
#34 Cady

Just hours after revising her Facebook profile for clarity, Michelle was bombarded by propositions from wealthy and handsome suitors.

Feb 3, 2010 at 12:08 pm rating: 13

reply to this comment
#35 oi

Why adam is not here to take professor’s side?
I am sure he will have a very good defense for this guy. We need other side to be defended too, however wrong.

Feb 3, 2010 at 12:14 pm rating: 3

reply to this comment
- #35.1 park rose
  
  Joe’s got it covered. I have been missing adam, though.
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 7:53 pm rating: 1
add to this thread
#36 Evie

I don’t know if it’s just me, and by all means correct me if I’m wrong (English is not my first language or mother tongue!) but shouldn’t Richard have said “the conclusion is good, but it CONTRADICTS the rest of your profile” instead of “… it contrasts to the rest of your profile”?
I mean, I don’t want to say the pot is calling the kettle black, but if someone is being UNCLEAR, perhaps it’s dear ol’ Dick there? With his crazy words?

Oooooooh do you suppose he was trying to be funny?! To see if she was learned enough to notice is professor-smarts and erroneous use of the word contrast?! I’m trying to take up Oi’s offer and “defend” him…

Ok, you got me, not really, but I thought I’d give it a try!!

Feb 3, 2010 at 2:19 pm rating: 16

reply to this comment
- #36.1 RP
  
  I agree, ‘contradicts’ would be the correct word to use in that sentence.
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 5:06 pm rating: 0
- #36.2 park rose
  
  Or, he should have said, “It contrasts poorly… It constrasts well*…with (maybe against) the rest of your profile.”
  
  This is why the prof is not a prof. No way. Or if he is, he is a prof of engineering, computer science, something where you don’t necessarily have to be coherent with the alphabet (sorry Mark, oi, timo ♥) .
  
  *That doesn’t make sense, of course, if his aim is to be negative.
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 7:56 pm rating: 3
- #36.3 anglophile
  
  Also, I believe “straight-forward” should be hyphenated and his sentence structure…well, sucks.
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 8:04 pm rating: 1
- #36.4 park rose
  
  See, I’m giving him time off for starting sentences with conjunctions and so on, because it’s a style thing if you’ve got the skill, or think you do *coff*.
  I’m also lazy with my hyphens, cos’ that’s another style thing, and pretty inconsistent.
  It’s the ‘contrast’ that gets me. That and the fact that he’s a twat.
  Oh, and he confused me* by reducing a relative clause.
  *Ah well. Nothing new with that.
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 8:16 pm rating: 2
- #36.5 Slacking editor
  
  “Straightforward” should be a closed compound — no space or hyphen.
  
  Feb 4, 2010 at 1:46 am rating: 4
- #36.6 park rose
  
  Right you are.
  
  Feb 4, 2010 at 4:55 am rating: 0
- #36.7 Jim Bob
  
  she said Dear ol’ Dick. LOL.
  
  Feb 9, 2010 at 3:13 pm rating: 0
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#37 infant tyrone

Richard probably considered using the relatively unambiguous
“…but it stands in marked contrast to the rest of your profile.”

But he didn’t want to sound, you know, pedantic.

Feb 3, 2010 at 2:57 pm rating: 10

reply to this comment
#38 C_T

Ugh, I’m pretty sure this Richard is the same douchebag who comments on the BSG board on IMDb. He knows everything. We know nothing, and are foolish for not taking his word for it and having our own opinion.

Feb 3, 2010 at 6:59 pm rating: 1

reply to this comment
- #38.1 park rose
  
  Don’t worry too much about it. He’s got a small penis.
  
  Feb 3, 2010 at 8:19 pm rating: 6
- #38.2 infant tyrone
  
  Eeeewwww, rose…
  
  TMI + megaovershare
  So, since you have brought it up, how small + all the other specs please…
  
  Feb 4, 2010 at 10:36 pm rating: 0
- #38.3 park rose
  
  Au contraire, ty. I wouldn’t want to disappoint with what is bound to be a flaccid, limp comment, and there aren’t balls enough to betray another’s trust.
  
  Feb 4, 2010 at 10:40 pm rating: 0
- #38.4 infant tyrone
  
  Geez, rose…
  Seems awfully protective of little Dickie the Prof.
  If you need help with your profile, I’m sure some folks here would be glad to help, and they’d probably do a better job matching it to your conclusion.
  
  Sampling Robin Williams in “To Wong Foo”,
  “I just love it when you speak French, even when you’re being contrary.”
  
  Feb 4, 2010 at 11:04 pm rating: 1
- #38.5 park rose
  
  Just saying, no-one got a rise outta me.
  
  Feb 5, 2010 at 1:03 am rating: 1
- #38.6 infant tyrone
  
  It’s OK, we’re all carbon-based life forms ’round here
  (though I wonder what ‘aaa’ is telling us sometimes),
  so it’s all right to say “no-body”.
  
  And if “no-one” is fulfilling an enumerative role
  (like, if you’re saying it takes three to tango, or if
  you’re hinting at some unleavened manifesto ),
  just knead the dough and go with the flow,
  even if it flows outa here.
  
  Feb 5, 2010 at 1:55 am rating: 0
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#39 Sparkles23

I think he designs ecards for a living:

http://www.someecards.com/flirting-cards/i-hope-you-dont-mind-an-unsolicited-critique

Feb 3, 2010 at 11:02 pm rating: 0

reply to this comment
#40 SickleYield

There are some Richards on OKCupid, all right…

Which is why I took CanthzB’s advice and deleted my profile.

Feb 4, 2010 at 6:26 pm rating: 1

reply to this comment
#41 Thorbjørn

I just think the guy was just trying to be helpful – hell, I’ve done something similar in the past without wanting/expecting anything in return (though never on a dating site).

I think you guys and guysettes put too much into this – maybe it was the offended contributor you should be scolding for bad penmanship or something…

Feb 5, 2010 at 12:48 am rating: 0

reply to this comment
- #41.1 park rose
  
  Richard?
  
  Feb 5, 2010 at 1:01 am rating: 1
- #41.2 infant tyrone
  
  Hey, rose…
  If it’s really Little Richard, he’s gotta have at least a M.Ed., so I think addressing him as Professor is in order, unless you wanna go all Pacino with the “Justice for All” thing (which would be fine + dandy w/ me).
  
  Feb 5, 2010 at 1:26 am rating: 0
- #41.3 park rose
  
  Raging Balls? Oops, wrong thread. I’m bowing out, ty. I have broken my new year resolution 10,ooo times over.
  
  Feb 5, 2010 at 1:32 am rating: 0
- #41.4 Naoyusimi
  
  “. . . without wanting/expecting anything in return”?
  LOL
  What might you expect?
  Effusive thanks?
  Professions of undying love?
  Unquenchable lust?
  A first date, won because of your insight and modesty and altruistic nature?
  Oh, wait, you did say it wasn’t on a dating site. ::snerk::
  I’d love to know what KIND of site that was.
  Oh, Poor Richard. Go now, write an almanac or something.
  
  Feb 5, 2010 at 2:20 am rating: 3
- #41.5 anglophile
  
  guysettes?????????????????
  
  Feb 5, 2010 at 8:22 am rating: 2
- #41.6 infant tyrone
  
  glo’,
  Dude’s up there in Fjord-landi.
  Closer to France than the U.K. (but not by a lot).
  Maybe “gals” is naughty in Nordic (or worse, non-PC).
  Although if he’s doin’ it on purpose, maybe we should pray 4 him.
  I think he’s urned our indulgence…ty
  
  Naoyusimi,
  “Lower animals” engage in reciprocal altruism. (JFGI)
  You didn’t have to surrender yours as a trade-in
  when your opposable thumbs ~~were delivered~~ developed.
  Track down your receipt and call Customer Service.
  Kthxbai
  
  P.S. If you’d rather be all “off with his head” about Richard,
  here’s a soundtrack for you to get off on…
  
  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OKpP8_uKXDY
  
  Feb 5, 2010 at 10:37 am rating: 1
- #41.7 Naoyusimi
  
  Soooooo helpful.
  
  You must be one of those Richards, too!
  Kthnx
  (I won’t say “bai”, ‘cuz I know your type never leaves, even if given huge hints.)
  
  Feb 5, 2010 at 10:45 am rating: 2
- #41.8 infant tyrone
  
  Leavin’ here, nope…got friends here.
  Leavin’ you…
  
  Feb 5, 2010 at 10:52 am rating: 0
add to this thread
#42 Andy

There is always some a-hole like this on a dating site. I’ve gotten something like this before – he really needed to get a life.

Feb 5, 2010 at 8:08 am rating: 0

reply to this comment
#43 whispies

Wow. So the choices for people are:

shitty marriage
divorce and go back to these dating sites.

Hmmmm

Shitty marriage wins hands down.

Feb 5, 2010 at 9:12 am rating: 0

reply to this comment
- #43.1 infant tyrone
  
  I suppose there’s a wide bandwidth of shitty marriages, but rather than stay in a seriously bad marriage I think I’d prefer to go with a divorce and letting those hands go down on myself…practice does wonders.
  
  What I do know for certain is that I never sought to repeat the experience, having I suppose the intuition that it had been unique and perfect, of its kind, achieved and inimitable, and that it behooved me to preserve its memory, pure of all pastiche, in my heart, even if it meant my resorting from time to time to the alleged joys of so-called self-abuse.
  Samuel Beckett: Molloy
  
  Feb 5, 2010 at 10:46 am rating: 1
add to this thread
#44 D

This guy clearly subscribes to the “insult” school of pick-up artistry, I’ve had many guys try this method on me (and friends of mine) and can’t understand why it’s so popular since I can’t imagine it ever ends in a date, let alone a love match. On OKCupid, in fact, I’ve had guys writing to me to try to correct my grammar. Really turns me on!

Feb 9, 2010 at 1:14 pm rating: 1

reply to this comment
#45 Happy birthday dear what’s-his-face | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com

[...] in Australia received this message from an ex-boyfriend via the dating site OKCupid. “This was where we met, so I guess he was trying to be poignant,” Jo says. “For [...]

Sep 5, 2010 at 12:41 pm rating: 0

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