I think this is the best costume for today.

February 3rd, 2010 · 79 comments

Noah in Richmond, Virginia spotted this earnest plea in the bathroom of “a funky little coffee shop” on the Outer Banks of North Carolina. “The sign was also on a bulletin board in the middle of the shop as well,” he says — “just in case the thief was avoiding the scene of the crime.”

And if you doubt Edie’s ability to get aggressive on your personal-art-piece-thievin’ ass, just wait ’til she catches you in the act. We’ll see how your bathroom art collection looks when she’s through with you!

To the Person(s) who keeps stealing my own personal art pieces from this bathroom... Someday this will happen to you, and you will then know just how hurtful it is! Please...You snuck them out... please be kind and thoughtful enough to sneak them back in... No questions asked. Thank you, Edie.

(I’d like to imagine the follow-up note going something like: “Damn it, Edie, no one wants to see your ‘personal art pieces.’ For the millionth time…FLUSH!“)

related: Get your “nozzle” off my “hose”

FILED UNDER: art · ellipses-crazed · North Carolina · restaurant · stealing · WTF?


79 responses so far ↓

  • #1   park rose bang

    These small time bathroom thieves are working their way up to being a big time syndication. They’ll eventually get there. Their idols are the crew who stole Edvard Munch’s, “The Scream”. Their first job was “The Stench”, and it was a big job, too. The toilet could barely handle it.

    Feb 3, 2010 at 8:06 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   jetjackson bang

      It turns out that Edvard Munch’s “The Scream” was actually a response to Edie’s toilet art work.

      *Edvard Munch was a psychic dreamer in which he would frequent funky coffee shops in the future.

      Edvard now inhabits the world in the form of poltergeists removing offending art forms from toilets.

      Feb 3, 2010 at 8:31 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   park rose bang

      So does Edie. I’m guessing she was a sidekick of Warhol’s.

      Feb 3, 2010 at 8:53 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   Critical Grass bang

      Sidekick is not quite right, Rose. She claims to be inspired by Warhol’s work, but the term he used to define Edie was crazy ass stalker who keeps stealing my bathroom decoration. So, we’ll go with that.

      Feb 3, 2010 at 10:34 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.4   infant tyrone bang

      rose + CG,
      What with y’all hoggin’ all the bandwidth here ’bout Edie this, Edie that, and Edie every other damned thing I just can’t get a word in Sedgwick.

      Feb 4, 2010 at 8:25 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.5   infant tyrone bang

      Well if nobody else wants to conjure the other obvious early ’70′s ghost that had something to say on the subject of ‘art…allow me.

      Tried to find a cover by an aitch-dropping Londoner, but to no avail, so y’all have to use your imaginations just a wee bit.

      Now AKA “Edie’s Lament”

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wCsMGQ2Pgzg

      Feb 4, 2010 at 1:21 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   anglophile bang

    To the Person (s) who keep leaving their own personal art pieces in the bathroom…Take them home where your own personal art pieces belong.

    Feb 3, 2010 at 8:06 pm   rating: 26  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Critical Grass bang

      She did say it was personal.

      And what’s art anyway, right?

      Feb 3, 2010 at 10:35 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   Mo® bang

      I prefer to think of what I do as performance art.

      Feb 4, 2010 at 11:34 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.3   park rose bang

      You are a righteous piece of work, Mo®

      Feb 4, 2010 at 10:33 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   Lisa

    Could we just all agree to kill anyone who ever refers to anything they make as an “art piece”? Is there anything more loathsome? It makes me want to outlaw art.

    Feb 3, 2010 at 8:17 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Palomon bang

      I know! Clearly this misshapen ceramic ashtray is not an art piece, it is an objet d’art. Get it right or I’ll start charging to use the louvre.

      Feb 3, 2010 at 8:42 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   park rose bang

      I think they should all be renamed, “Decorative Hand Towels”.

      Feb 3, 2010 at 8:53 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.3   park rose bang

      Removing the louvres is one way to escape bathroom art, or with it.

      Feb 3, 2010 at 8:58 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.4   park rose bang

      Lisa (I seem to like this thread), that would be an artless manoeuvre!

      Feb 4, 2010 at 12:50 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   Wade bang

    Hurtfulitis is not be taken lightly.

    Feb 3, 2010 at 8:19 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   anglophile bang

      Ask your doctor if Emotiban is right for you.

      Feb 3, 2010 at 8:33 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   park rose bang

      Will it give me ♥ palpitations?

      Feb 3, 2010 at 8:54 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.3   Mo® bang

      Warning contact your doctor if you have extended periods of verbal diarrhea or mental masturbation while using Emotiban©

      Feb 4, 2010 at 11:37 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   Flaboy2425

    Maybe if you kept the toilet paper supply up the thief wouldn’t have to use your “art” work

    Feb 3, 2010 at 8:28 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   infant tyrone bang

      Fishhook sculpture will put a quick stop to your art ‘shrinkage’ problem.

      Feb 4, 2010 at 11:30 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   jetjackson bang

    The 12 year old in me wants to change ‘art pieces’ to ‘fart pieces’.

    Feb 3, 2010 at 8:34 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   Palomon bang

      But the adult in me likes the fiber.

      Feb 3, 2010 at 10:03 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   AhSookieSookieNow!

      “And I know that it must be the woman in you, that brings out the man in me.”

      Feb 4, 2010 at 7:39 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.3   Canthz_B bang

      I know it must be the man in me that confirms I’ve been convicted and put in prison.

      Feb 4, 2010 at 7:57 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.4   Geek Goddess

      It’s the voices in me that make me remove the ‘art pieces’.

      Feb 4, 2010 at 2:56 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   infant tyrone bang

    “Damn it, Edie, no one wants to see your ‘personal art pieces.’ For the millionth time…FLUSH!“

    This is actually a major plot device in David Foster Wallace’s long story The Suffering Channel. In the story, though, what is excreted really are pieces of art. Summary below for any interested parties.

    http://machines.pomona.edu/dfwwiki/index.php/The_Suffering_Channel

    Feb 3, 2010 at 8:41 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   park rose bang

    Life at the Bristol Stool Exchange: When the art piece was floated, its value fluctuated dependent on the pressure from the outdoor water system, and the indoor plumbing. Maintenance has not interfered since it moved away from a single flush to a dual flush system. Other toilets will soon follow suit.

    There is inherent danger in unpegging the system by which the value of such artworks are determined, though. The bottom can drop out of the market, and this can stir up an awful stink amongst investors and other interested parties, particularly those whose noses are not necessarily clean and whose fingers are rumoured to be sticky.

    Alternatively, it can cause a glut which leads to blockages and an inability to free up the market. Interested parties, as reflected in the Footse 100 and the Dow Jones, are waiting with bated breath (even more so since the unpegging). Will such a move – some might even say it leans towards the bold, the exciting, the avante garde – regulate the art scene, or result in quite the opposite; fissuring the system and causing overflow and waste to either deplete or flood the entire regulating body.

    Feb 3, 2010 at 8:45 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   blde

    Edie…If you have tell us it’s art, then it’s probably not. Therein lies your problem most likely.

    Feb 3, 2010 at 9:01 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   Hmmm

      Kind of like the note itself. Is it really just a PAN or is it yet another one of her personal works of art? You be the judge.

      Feb 4, 2010 at 12:20 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   park rose bang

    The thief, of course, is the Artful Stodger, though he always claims that he was framed any time he’s caught near the scene of a crime.

    Feb 3, 2010 at 9:13 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   oi bang

    Shouldn’t be she happy? somebody is stealing her own art pieces that means they considers them valuable. Believe me I have seen stuff described as “art pieces”.

    Feb 3, 2010 at 9:26 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   Canthz_B bang

    I’ve heard lots of euphemisms for “restroom”, but I’ve never heard anyone say “Excuse me, I have to use the art gallery.” before.

    Feb 3, 2010 at 9:47 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   infant tyrone bang

      So, can we change the #1 + #2 codes to “watercolor” and “sculpture” ?

      Feb 4, 2010 at 11:34 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   Mo® bang

      “Man don’t go in there I just left a Rodin!”

      Feb 4, 2010 at 11:39 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   Canthz_B bang

    Edie intended her personal art pieces to add some ambiance to her otherwise dreary restroom.

    Stool softeners, if you will.

    Feb 3, 2010 at 9:56 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   adam

      Two in a row? CB doing very slow stand-up comedy. 9 minutes between jokes.

      Feb 4, 2010 at 8:41 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.2   Mo® bang

      Try the veal and don’t forget to tip your wait staff.

      Feb 4, 2010 at 11:40 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   SJ

    Uhmm… “SNEAKED.”

    Feb 3, 2010 at 10:48 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   park rose bang

      Sounds wrong, though, don’t it?
      Imagine the fun you could have with the other verbs -
      peak, puck, peakin’
      sleep, slupt, sleepin’
      meet, mutt, meeten
      feek, fuck, feekin…

      Feb 3, 2010 at 10:52 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   Canthz_B bang

      Main Entry: 1sneak
      Pronunciation: \ˈsnēk\
      Function: verb
      Inflected Form(s): sneaked \ˈsnēkt\ or snuck \ˈsnək\; sneak·ing

      From its earliest appearance in print in the late 19th century as a dialectal and probably uneducated form, the past and past participle snuck has risen to the status of standard and to approximate equality with sneaked. It is most common in the United States and Canada but has also been spotted in British and Australian English.

      Merriam-Webster @ m-w.com

      Feb 3, 2010 at 11:14 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.3   park rose bang

      Ah, that’s good. I like myself some good snucking around. I also feel that the past participle of write should be writ… a couple of centuries too late for myself, I think.

      How about ‘drug’ (drag, drug, dragged/drug?)… is that in m/w as standard yet, CB?*
      *I know I can check myself…

      Feb 4, 2010 at 12:54 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.4   Geek Goddess

      The art forms were drugged?

      Feb 4, 2010 at 2:59 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   TheOldSchool

    “Artist’s Shit,” by the Italian artist Piero Manzoni, is a tin can filled with 30 grams of the artist’s freshly produced shit.,

    In May, 1961, he squeezed out enough personal art pieces to fill 90 tins.

    On May 23, 2007, one of the shit cans (#83) was sold for $179,000 at Sotheby’s.

    Feb 3, 2010 at 10:51 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   park rose bang

      Merde! That shit is vintage.

      Feb 3, 2010 at 10:55 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.2   Palomon bang

      Holy shit!

      Feb 4, 2010 at 12:08 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.3   Critical Grass bang

      Crazy shit, huh?

      Feb 4, 2010 at 2:35 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.4   infant tyrone bang

      While enhancing its conceptual framework, Manzoni’s output obviously renders the Serrano/Mapplethorpe Piss Christ less groundbreaking,

      Meanwhile, on the forgery front:

      1) critics are abuzz debating the appropriate forensics techniques to be used in cases of contested provenance, while,

      2) amongst dealers, a virtual maelstrom of controversy swirls around the question of whether Dylan garbagologist A.J. Weberman’s claim to have substituted Manzoni’s original product with 30 grams of Dylan’s discharge should affect the value of can #2 upwards or not. Speculation is intense, clearly because if can #2′s value goes up, we can expect to see the real-world implementation of the fecal corollary to Gresham’s Law
      (New shit drives out old shit), to the point at which, perhaps within a decade, Manzoni’s shit will have been pushed out of all of the cans.

      If #2 above occurs, we may see photos and videos of the disposal of the Manzoni shit selling for more than the cans did. Remember that Mapplethorpe’s photo portrait of Andy Warhol sold for $643,200 in 2006.

      So, if a picture is worth a thousand turds, somebody out there should be getting $643.20 every time they pound one out. Probably that would be the person who bought the Mapplethorpe/Warhol photo.

      Feb 4, 2010 at 3:29 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.5   park rose bang

      A picture is worth a thousand turds. :)

      Manzoni calculated the value of the ninety cans – all numbered, each with a net weight of thirty grams – in accordance with the daily exchange rates for gold.

      He also sold his breath. I wonder how much flatuence is going for nowadays.

      Feb 4, 2010 at 5:39 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.6   infant tyrone bang

      Old Firesign Theater routine (from memory, so pardon any bollocks)

      Game show emcee: Good job, Mrs. Klesky ! Let’s see what you’ve won !

      Mrs. Klesky: This is nothing but a bag of shit !!

      Emcee: Yes, but it’s really good shit, Mrs. Klesky!! In fact, a significant stash by New York standards.

      Feb 4, 2010 at 8:57 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   Critical Grass bang

    Edie, define art in a 1000 words. I’m waiting for your essay. If you can justify to me in a plausible way how those things are art, I’ll give them back.

    Feb 3, 2010 at 10:51 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   Canthz_B bang

    Really now, Edie, aren’t the drawings and poetry on the walls of the stalls “personal art” enough for one restroom?
    Someone really ought to investigate why making a bowel movement also seems to inspire creativity in anyone with a Sharpie handy.

    Feb 3, 2010 at 11:21 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   AuntyBron

    Just how many “personal art pieces” does Edie have to lose to theft before she pulls her head out and decides to leave them at home?

    Feb 3, 2010 at 11:46 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   catburglar

    Edie seems a little anal retentive.

    Feb 4, 2010 at 12:16 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   Adam

    The note is a work of art. I would steal it for two weeks, then sneak it back in.

    Feb 4, 2010 at 12:58 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   Critical Grass bang

    I think you should contact the security company that works for the Louvre so they could install all the necessary equipment/structure to mantain your art pieces safe in the bathroom, where they belong.

    Feb 4, 2010 at 2:41 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   Katie

    Taking a stab at the Edie from Grey Gardens?

    Feb 4, 2010 at 6:58 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   Panda

      Thanks, Katie – I was just going to comment on the Grey Gardens reference :)

      Feb 4, 2010 at 7:54 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   Katie

    Taking a stab at the Edie from Grey Gardens?

    Feb 4, 2010 at 6:58 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   infant tyrone bang

      Is #22 Little Edie + #23 Big Edie or is the earlier Big and the later Little ?

      It’s not as confusing as the old Patty Duke Show, but we really should get our Edie’s straight.

      Feb 4, 2010 at 12:20 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   Pterosaur

    Because of this thoughtless act, the patrons can no longer enjoy Edie’s crayon houses with curly chimney smoke and smiley-face suns.

    What will disappear next, Stick Figures #2 in Finger Paint?

    Feb 4, 2010 at 8:13 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   Dave the Chef

    It isn’t really passive aggressive, if it is signed though, is it?

    Feb 4, 2010 at 8:49 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   park rose bang

      Did you ever see what Picasso did to his wife?

      Feb 4, 2010 at 9:09 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #26   Joe 2

    Now all those crochet toilet paper roll dolls are mine! MINE! BWAH-HAH-HAH!

    Feb 4, 2010 at 9:08 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   anglophile bang

    Has anyone talked to the cleaning staff about this problem?

    Feb 4, 2010 at 9:42 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   Mo® bang

      That art is or was gilded in fecal mist.

      Feb 4, 2010 at 11:47 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #28   AhSookieSookieNow!

    How does Edie know for certain that the personal-piece-thief will someday find him/herself in this same situation? Was one of her personal pieces a crystal ball?

    Feb 4, 2010 at 11:00 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #28.1   park rose bang

      Well, since she suffered for her art, she doesn’t see why others shouldn’t too. She’s intending to pull a Stellarc on the thief when she catches up with him/her.

      Feb 4, 2010 at 10:26 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #29   Jessica

    “Grey Gardens” references make me giddy!

    Feb 4, 2010 at 11:16 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   Gandalf

    Attention all employees:

    Please do not use the toilet for the “really big jobs” . From now on , use the trash can. For those jobs that are too large to fit in the trash can, please hang them on the wall with the provided hooks. If you have any questions, please contact Casey in HR.

    THX, Sandra

    Feb 4, 2010 at 2:30 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #31   Geek Goddess

    Can we just move on from all this crap? Where is the next PAN? We need a new one soon, or this whole site will go down the tubes.

    Pardon the rant, but this subject is making me feel a little flushed.

    Feb 4, 2010 at 3:03 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #31.1   Gandalf

      Don’t be such a party pooper, I’m sure that this will pass…

      Feb 4, 2010 at 3:26 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.2   Geek Goddess bang

      I’m not willing to take this sitting down, Gandalf!

      Feb 4, 2010 at 3:32 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.3   Gandalf

      I see your point. Sitting down would be my number 2 choice.

      Feb 5, 2010 at 10:51 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #32   Joe2

    Now all those crochet bog roll dolls are mine! MINE! BWAH-HAH-HAH-HAH!

    Feb 4, 2010 at 3:52 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #33   Catburglar

    Oh – you guys didn’t get my joke. : (

    Feb 4, 2010 at 9:47 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #33.1   anglophile bang

      Well, that’s one explanation. The other is no one found it all that funny. Could go either way, really.

      Feb 4, 2010 at 9:59 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #33.2   park rose bang

      They’re a tough crowd, Catburglar, and timing and placement is everything. I love Joe2′s joke up there, and I was sure I’d thumbed him already, but I hadn’t. So here you go again, Joe. Maybe no-one waited for the page to refresh before logging out. Oh, I see, Joe fell prey to Heisa. You just got an extra thumb, Joe!

      Feb 4, 2010 at 10:21 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #34   JMonkey78 bang

    Breaking News… This just in the “Mad Bomber” has released an official statement.

    And some said she would never fess up to her handiwork at the Gym.

    Feb 8, 2010 at 3:14 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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