They need time to clean up the meth lab in the garage, after all.

February 4th, 2010 · 59 comments

It’s almost Valentine’s day, and yet the Christmas guilt trips keep rolling in! Savanna in Texas says her friend received this doozy of a card from her parents (the front of which said, “Joy to the World.”)

Come see us — and don't surprise us — warn us — but come! Soon before we die.

related: Waiting for the Rapture (and/or a thank you note)

FILED UNDER: Christmas · holiday spirit · Moms & Dads · WTF?


59 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Woman on the Verge bang

    I’m really afraid to ask why they need a warning… and then ask her to come… This is the kind of thing that eventually warrants years of therapy.

    Feb 4, 2010 at 4:25 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

     
  • #2   shane

    I wouldn’t brag about having a new home in Lone Oak, Texas. I’ve been there, it’s a one-horse town.

    Feb 4, 2010 at 4:30 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   tk.

      But how many oaks do they have?

      Feb 4, 2010 at 5:24 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   GhostWriter bang

      It probably would have been called Twin Oaks, if it wasn’t for that crazy kid from the future who ran over Old Man Peabody’s other oak way back in 1955.

      Feb 4, 2010 at 5:44 pm   rating: 32  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.3   infant tyrone bang

      Population @ 2000 census:
      a) 521 humans
      b) 1 oak

      Maw ‘n’ Paw probably need the warning so they can alert the town water department to crank up the water pressure a bit “cuz company’s coming.”

      Coupla growed kids visiting Lone Oaks can have an effect like 20% of
      New Yorkers flushing their toilets during the Superbowl halftime show.

      Feb 4, 2010 at 6:01 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.4   JMonkey78 bang

      I believe they now , have two horses, and a new home. You should visit again some time before they die.

      Feb 8, 2010 at 3:00 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   rhombchick

    Come visit us…… but we won’t disclose our address… just in case you are trying to surprise us to death

    Feb 4, 2010 at 4:32 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

     
  • #4   Ludlow Mortimer

    Maybe mom wants warning so she can bake an apple pie … or whip up a fresh batch of ‘rock’.

    Feb 4, 2010 at 4:33 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Geek Goddess bang

      Or her special brownies.

      Feb 4, 2010 at 4:34 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   snaffle

      Or her own personal art piece

      Feb 4, 2010 at 6:32 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.3   JMonkey78 bang

      or maybe she needs to move the sadomasachistic toys to the Garage.

      Feb 8, 2010 at 3:01 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   Geek Goddess bang

    I would like to come – soon – before I die.

    Feb 4, 2010 at 4:33 pm   rating: 32  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   park rose bang

      You want some help with that, ‘eek?

      Feb 4, 2010 at 5:07 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   Geek Goddess bang

      You offering to lend a hand?

      Feb 4, 2010 at 5:14 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.3   infant tyrone bang

      GG,
      Just a thought…clarify the offer.
      #5 has some fairly polar (though hotly related) options.
      Be a shame to get one when you’re looking for the other, or both.

      Feb 4, 2010 at 5:51 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.4   Geek Goddess bang

      But rose wouldn’t…
      I mean I can trust…
      I don’t think she…

      You meant it kinky kindly, right, rose?

      Feb 4, 2010 at 6:26 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.5   park rose bang

      If we knuckle down to the problem at hand, get down to work and earnestly splay apply ourselves, put on our mental masturbation tinfoil hats and concentrate really hard, I’m sure we can all come up with a solution that accommodates.

      Feb 4, 2010 at 6:46 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.6   infant tyrone bang

      GG,
      Come-munication can be a life or death proposition.

      How do you know which option she thought you wanted ? or both ?

      Maybe you’re terminal and want a one-off Nelson Rockefeller Combo ?

      Feb 4, 2010 at 7:01 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.7   Geek Goddess bang

      I just want a little death. Is that too much to ask for?

      Feb 4, 2010 at 7:06 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.8   park rose bang

      I have some petit fours and a little snuff. I don’t know if they’ll do. Maybe if we savour them prior to play.

      Feb 4, 2010 at 7:17 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.9   infant tyrone bang

      Well, as long as y’all wear those hats and know where y’all’re goin,
      far be it from me to say anything other than “Bon Voyage !”

      And if you’re heading into what anglers and ichthyologists refer to
      as the crotch and release program, enjoy all the fish you can focus on.

      Feb 4, 2010 at 7:18 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.10   park rose bang

      I think the latex lederhosen down below might need to join the crotch and release program. I’m a bit worried about the logistics of the situation.

      P.S. and very rude of you to imply that eek is an old snapper slapper ;)

      Feb 4, 2010 at 7:23 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.11   infant tyrone bang

      Sometimes ya gotta get a little rural on folks…

      Hear them sayin’
      How you get a-rude and a-reckless
      Don’t you be so crude and a-feckless
      You bin drinking brew for breakfast
      Rudie can’t fail

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QsZUBpNLGAU&feature=related

      P.S. I think GG knows you’re making a mountain out of a mohel-hill.

      Feb 4, 2010 at 10:54 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.12   park rose bang

      ty, I think the thing that GG knows is that the best part of the mount is the peak.

      Feb 5, 2010 at 12:58 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.13   infant tyrone bang

      Per Steely Dan…“rose, darling…”
      We both have a capacity to ramble,
      but sometimes you just summit all up,
      maybe even better than Ms. Cho,
      but I think her take on mounds is relevant here, so…invest ’til 1:16

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWQNwafNPn4

      Feb 5, 2010 at 1:18 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   Connie

    It might seem like we don’t want our darling daughter to walk in on us having sex, but really it’s because you haven’t stopped by in so long that Ol’ Jim might have a heart attack right on the spot if you show up without warning.

    <3 Mom

    Feb 4, 2010 at 4:36 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   infant tyrone bang

    Maybe Mom or Dad’s a retired Latin Professor
    who otherwise would have said “Morituri te invitamus !”,
    but like Richard, didn’t want to appear, you know, pedantic.

    Feb 4, 2010 at 5:48 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   Hmm...

    Hey! They are already waiting for The Rapture. Other surprise guest are just way too many to watch out for.

    …I wonder if Jesus RSVPs.

    Feb 4, 2010 at 5:48 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   GhostWriter bang

    Girl, that is one hella French manicured nail. Warn us before you shake our hands (but shake!)

    Feb 4, 2010 at 5:48 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   Joe2

    Unlike Christmas, I’ll be damned if I come but once a year!

    Feb 4, 2010 at 6:00 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   SickleYield

    What’s that? You’ve always wanted to have Christmas in Turkey?

    Feb 4, 2010 at 6:29 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   Q

    Maybe the reason that the parents don’t want Savanna barging in is because they’re doing some baby making… what’s easier, guilt tripping an adult child into visiting every one in a while or just making a new kid to smother with love, affection, and all the resentment from those horrible adult kids who aren’t going to be in the will once the new one comes along?

    Feb 4, 2010 at 6:44 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   Pterosaur

    “Warn us before you visit” = “Now that we’re retired, we have sex in the middle of the day on the kitchen table while wearing latex lederhosen.”

    If you still insist on surprising your folks, don’t blame them for the awkward family dinner around that table.

    Feb 4, 2010 at 7:11 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   Geek Goddess bang

      Isn’t latex lederhosen a bit of an oxymoron?

      Feb 4, 2010 at 7:13 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.2   Mo®

      The grandchildren are still scarred by the vision of Grandpa hogtied with a ball gag getting pegged by a latex encased grandma.
      The horror.

      Feb 5, 2010 at 10:31 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   Nox

    People have kids thinking they’re going to everything the parent expects of them. So not true… your kid is going to grow up and want to live his/her own life, just as you did, and your parents before you did…etc.
    So quit it with the guilt trips, and deal with the fact that you poped out a human, instead of an obedient robot. k ranting done… guess I better go call my folks and see how they’re doing… *cursing under breath*

    Feb 4, 2010 at 7:56 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   park rose bang

      Well, I hear that Benedict XIV is infallible, so I’m not sure I agree with you that he had parents of the human variety. Of course if the human is papal offspring, well now, that’s just a no-no, isn’t it? Plus guilt trips have been the stock in trade of popes since St. Peter, haven’t they?

      Feb 4, 2010 at 8:35 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   Just Me

    Could’ve phrased it better, that’s for sure.

    “Give us a call soon so we can set something up!”

    Oh, wait. There’s no number to call, either. What is she supposed to warn them with, smoke signals?

    (I prefer that people call me first, even if it’s, “We’re in the neighborhood, mind if we stop by?” It might give me enough time to give the bathroom a quick swish, set out some clean hand towels, and throw on a pot of coffee. If nothing else, I’ll have a couple minutes to change out of my holey sweats and into presentable clothing.)

    Feb 4, 2010 at 8:44 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   Canthz_B bang

    Warn us before you come, we live like pigs now that you kids have all moved out and the chores are our responsibility.

    Feb 4, 2010 at 9:32 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   Canthz_B bang

    Ah memories. I remember a sweet young thing about to give me some head making the exact same request.
    She asked so nicely, I almost obliged. But no, I like surprises. You should have seen the gook look on her face! ;-)

    Feb 4, 2010 at 9:36 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   JMonkey78 bang

      I am lost for words…but I bet she had a mouth full.

      Feb 8, 2010 at 3:05 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   Leaky ass

    so just go home all loaded like and through it up mom’s back door.

    that’d show the old cow.

    Feb 4, 2010 at 10:24 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   Alex

    Just a tip, this would be a lot more accessible to readers with disabilities if you could just transcribe what hte note says below the image. Not all of us can read tiny/poorly written print.

    Thanks.

    Feb 4, 2010 at 10:37 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   Wordtinker doesnt smith bang

      roll your mouse over the note – they’re usually typed up for easier reading.

      Feb 5, 2010 at 10:52 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #20   sleeps

    Inability to read tiny/poorly written print is a disability now? I just thought it meant ‘time to step up to the next level of WalMart reading glasses’, and/or ‘gee if my arms were just a couple inches longer, I might be able to hold this far enough away to read it’.

    Feb 4, 2010 at 11:47 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   my ass is grass

      ummmmmmmmm its called being blind fuck wad.

      key-rist some of you sorts on here are stoopid

      Feb 5, 2010 at 9:29 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.2   sleeps

      Oh, is that right? I wasn’t aware that ‘blind’ meant ‘I have a hard time reading tiny chicken scratch handwriting and would benefit from a typed up version’. Silly me for thinking blind meant ‘I cannot see anything except vague shadows and shapes and do not operate a motor vehicle’. I AM so stoopid!

      Feb 6, 2010 at 1:19 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.3   my ass is grass

      you said it chief you = stoopid

      Feb 7, 2010 at 10:31 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.4   infant tyrone bang

      sleeps,
      A continuum runs from good sight to “I wonder what people mean by sight”. “Blind” in current usage covers more than the hard edge it used to.

      It doesn’t take a big impairment to stop some people from being able to read the photos of the notes. Some of us here have 20/20 vision or better and disagree what some of the squiggles and letters say.

      Careful with making fun of people with disabilities.
      That second amendment can be packing a wallop.

      Feb 7, 2010 at 12:43 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.5   sleeps

      Actually, that was my point; I have 20/20 vision and even I have a hard time reading the handwriting. No ‘disability’ needed to struggle with it; it’s hard to read the scrawl. It just seems unnecessary to throw a ‘disability’ into the mix. Also I don’t see where I made fun of anyone with a disability, and…what does that have to do with the right to bear arms? Are you saying someone with a visual impairment is going to shoot me? Cause if so… mmmm, not that scared, I gotta say. Pretty good chance they’ll miss.

      Oh, and to AssGrass- I’m not your Chief, Pal!

      Feb 7, 2010 at 10:25 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.6   JMonkey78 bang

      I love it. You can read the tiny script on the address bar of your computer, but you cant read hand writing three times that size. Oh, your blind, sorry. Did someone tell you about the card, then leave you staring at the screen? Those bastards.

      Feb 8, 2010 at 3:08 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #21   Julie

    My husband’s grandparents haven’t gone quite this far but they’ve come close. Grandma first started mentioning their ages in cards she sent and has now begun including their birthdates as well. So it’ll look something like this:

    “Grandpa (age, birthdate) and I (age, birthdate) are hoping to see you very soon.”

    This is always followed up by statements that she will pray for us, though those have gone down in number since we got married and stopped living in sin.

    Feb 5, 2010 at 8:14 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   Quinn

    I await the day that I’m old and lonely and get to send passive aggressive gems to my children.

    (Side story: My mom routinely tells me my sister, who lives 4 miles from her, sees her maybe once every month. My sister is a tenured professor at a major university and owns a side wedding business.. oh, and she has a son. I’m sure she has tons of time to visit my mother.. lols).

    Feb 5, 2010 at 10:52 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   Escape Goat

    Warning–we–are–dash–happy

    Feb 5, 2010 at 5:28 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #24   Neeners

    Wow, the excessive use of ‘us’ in the card shows a bit of self centered bs going on….

    Hey how about you go visit your daughter mom and pop since you moved and didn’t bother to tell her where the new house was or call. Then you don’t have to worry if you are surprised or die before you get to see her.

    Nice Christmas card…..I know whenever I write my son I like to start it with ‘Hey’ it’s less offensive than ‘Hey you!’

    Feb 6, 2010 at 12:55 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   infant tyrone bang

      3 of “us” + a pair of “we”.

      Quite a full house for a couple of empty-nesters !
      And they’re almost begging to be called.
      Don’t play poker when you visit…Mom + Dad are sharks.

      Feb 6, 2010 at 1:35 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #25   download cracks

    Where does the money come from to rebuild a house?

    Feb 6, 2010 at 7:29 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

Comments are Closed