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If you could summarize BYU culture in one note…

February 7th, 2010 · 92 comments

At least a half-dozen submitters (including Spencer, Kelsae, and Mark) would pick this one — from a pizzeria in Provo, Utah.

“For those who don’t know, “lower kingdoms” comes from Mormon theology, where they believe that people are sorted out into three kingdoms instead of the traditional heaven and hell option,” Kelsae says.

Adds Spencer: “There’s a stack of plastic cups in the public’s reach for use either for water or soda, depending on whether you paid or not. The influence this business avers on final judgment, combined with overt Mormon theology  (the the staff signatures include both Captain Moroni and Nephite #2) made me both wince and chuckle.”


related: nosy Provo neighbors

FILED UNDER: beverages · Jesus · Provo · restaurant · Utah · you're like so going to hell

92 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Geek Goddess

    I was all ready to criticize critique the font, when I realized that it is hand-written. If you could use the word “written” to describe what is happening here. I guess we could just be thankful that their first choice wasn’t Comic Sans.

    Feb 7, 2010 at 5:13 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Palomon bang

      GG- I’m with you. Had this been typed, I’d mock the font, but damn! or, almost damn! Ya gotta give the writer credit for penmanship.

      Feb 7, 2010 at 5:21 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #1.2   park rose bang

      I agree that the penmanship is great but it’s hard to take the threat of Eternal damnation, or hanging out in the lower kingdoms, seriously when your message looks as if it should be on the inside of one of those ‘gag’ greeting cards.
      Look on the bright side. Your age might be increasing, but divine retribution’s got your saggy arse covered! From now on, the only way is down! Happy Birthday and have another slice of cake and a heaped plate of lamb stew! In the lower kingdom for a penny, in the lower kingdom for another few pounds! :) Hyuk, hyuk.

      Feb 7, 2010 at 7:14 pm   rating: 25  small thumbs up

    • #1.3   jetjackson bang

      I think it’s an attempt at communicating to the teens out there with graffiti like style. Hey kids don’t steal drinks, we’re hip.

      Soon it will be the b-boy version of buddy christ wearing a crips scarf (it’s a pepsi machine – crips drink pepsi and bloods only drink coke – think about it) standing next to the machine.

      Feb 7, 2010 at 8:59 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #1.4   Critical Grass bang

      WWGJD? – What Would Gangsta Jesus Do?

      Ice included.

      Feb 7, 2010 at 9:49 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #1.5   park rose bang

      Crystal clear.

      Feb 7, 2010 at 9:56 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #2   Wade bang

    If you do not accuse each other, God will not accuse you. If you have no accuser you will enter heaven. – Joseph Smith


    Feb 7, 2010 at 5:22 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Palomon bang


      Feb 7, 2010 at 5:39 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

  • #3   zenvelo

    I thought Moroni was a new font, you know, for writing on mythical golden tablets…

    Feb 7, 2010 at 6:16 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Connie

      Or mythical golden construction paper?

      Feb 7, 2010 at 6:29 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #3.2   park rose bang

      Mmmm…Mythical golden tablets…

      Feb 7, 2010 at 7:19 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #4   farcical aquatic ceremony

    I think the nosy Provo neighbors (dormitory police) note ruined me for all other BYU or obnoxiously morally prescriptive notes. Still, this note makes me want to find out EXACTLY what the speed limit is in Utah so that, should I find myself at its border, I can book through it at the highest velocity possible. (I am willing to hydrate as little as possible and hold it as long as necessary…)

    Feb 7, 2010 at 6:54 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   park rose bang

      Cop one: Caught him speeding officer. One mile over the prescriptive mile.
      Cop two: Book him, just as he was booking us. You know it matters most when it comes to these “Little” Dishonesties.
      Cop one: And then what?
      Cop two: Book and phylum, of course. Put him in with all the other bi-valves and bottom feeders then throw away the key. This one’s fast-tracked for the lower kingdoms.

      Feb 7, 2010 at 7:25 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

    • #4.2   Jebidiah

      I know from experience that you won’t get pulled over for speeding. Trust me when I say that a “more righteous” driver will politely move into the fast lane to slow you down…atleast until you realize your error, repent and slow down. Said driver will have a blue “Y” sticker and a “Die Utes” sticker displayed on the vehicle.

      Feb 8, 2010 at 12:32 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #4.3   Sirius¤ bang

      And by ‘vehicle’, Jebidiah means ‘minivan’. AKA Mormon Assault Vehicle.

      Feb 8, 2010 at 3:52 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #4.4   Elle

      I actually did get pulled over for speeding in Utah, just west of Salt Lake. I was doing 89 in a 65 and nobody got in my way. The state trooper who pulled me over was as nice as could be and let me off with a warning. And even though I promised I would slow down, it was lead foot city as soon as I put a few miles between us. I mean, how else was I going to complete a trip from Santa Cruz, CA to Omaha, NE in only 25 hours?

      Feb 8, 2010 at 7:57 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #4.5   TippingCows

      Don’t believe Jeb – I got pulled over in Wellington, Utah – and I know I was going the speed limit. My crime? I had an out of state plate – from the other side of the country.

      Feb 18, 2010 at 3:50 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #5   eslinger bang

    Go to the lower kingdom. Go directly to the lower kingdom. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.

    You do, however, get to keep your $1.59. (Tax not included.)

    Feb 7, 2010 at 7:09 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

  • #6   BlackMarketBeagle

    This is why I’m terrified that my husband will get job in Utah.

    Um…do they have any Starbucks there?..(please say yes, please say yes..)

    Feb 7, 2010 at 7:32 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   matt blank

      Hah yes. Just stay out of Provo and live in the Avenues. It’s a happy place.

      Feb 7, 2010 at 8:54 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #6.2   moklspa

      OhYeah! Starbucks, porn, alcohol, drugs, all the good stuff.

      Feb 7, 2010 at 9:41 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #6.3   JMonkey78 bang

      But is it the same if the hookers have long straight hair, ankle length skirts, and don’t wear make-up. I would be so depressed I might take up stealing Pepsi… That is if I actually picked up hookers, which I don’t. Of course.

      Feb 8, 2010 at 2:53 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #6.4   Jordan

      They’ve got a bunch in Salt Lake, one in Utah County and one in St. George (that I know of).

      Feb 8, 2010 at 6:48 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #6.5   Pterosaur

      A bunch of Starbucks or hookers?

      Feb 8, 2010 at 8:51 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #6.6   JMonkey78 bang

      fter they left they had addicted half the population, and now they are all headed to one of the lower kingdoms. Dam Starbucks and their tasty caffeinated beverages.

      Feb 9, 2010 at 9:35 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #7   aaa bang

    Somehow I keep getting the feeling that I might burst into flames the second I cross the state border into Utah…

    Feb 7, 2010 at 8:19 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Critical Grass bang

      You too, huh?
      I think I would burts into flames and people would throw rocks at me (not figuratively), all at the same time.

      Feb 7, 2010 at 9:01 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #7.2   aaa bang

      Well, I think they’d be too nice to actually throw rocks, but I’m pretty sure we’d get enough “disappointed” looks that we’d melt.

      Feb 8, 2010 at 12:39 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #7.3   Languagegeek

      I am thinking there might be actual lightning bolts in my case….

      Feb 8, 2010 at 10:46 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #8   Critical Grass bang

    Here’s $20. I’m working my way up to the penthouse of The Three Kingdoms.

    Feb 7, 2010 at 8:57 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #9   Ethnic Avenue

    The refills are free? Just like on wives.

    Feb 7, 2010 at 8:59 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

  • #10   Scott

    ” where your soft drinks options, Mark says, are pretty much limited to Caffeine-Free Coke, Sprite, or Orange Crush.”

    This is a funny, tongue-in-cheek sign from Nicolitalia’s, which happens to be the most delicious pizza I’ve had in Utah County, maybe all of Utah. I can’t recommend it highly enough.

    Mt. Dew, Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, etc. all available on tap. Relax, folks.

    Feb 7, 2010 at 9:02 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   Wade bang

      So, they are hypocrites as well?


      Feb 7, 2010 at 9:26 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #10.2   Canthz_B bang

      Just when I was about to mention that the sign is taped to a Pepsi machine, you cut me off at the knees.
      Damn you to the Middle Kingdom!

      What can I say, it wasn’t that bad!

      Feb 7, 2010 at 9:28 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #10.3   infant tyrone bang

      Mark’s new in town or hasn’t made an effort to cozy up to Nicol.
      Otherwise he’d know that the “hard stuff” is available to those
      with a firm voice and a knowing wink.

      Would God be P/A if it turned out that the best pizza
      in the country was to be found in Utah: no beer, no wine,
      and Pepsi only if you have the nerve to order it.

      Feb 7, 2010 at 9:56 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #10.4   Palomon bang

      “Best pizza in Utah” = prettiest girl in Idaho.

      Feb 7, 2010 at 10:39 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #10.5   Jordan

      That pizza really is good.

      Feb 8, 2010 at 6:48 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #11   Felch me

    Little know 11th Commandment.

    ‘Thou shalt not steal thine Pepsi.’

    Feb 7, 2010 at 9:26 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Palomon bang

      Number 12: Thou shalt not masturbate in public.
      (Maybe more of a guideline…)

      Feb 7, 2010 at 10:40 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #11.2   Canthz_B bang

      Number 13: Public restroom stalls become private space once closed…unless you have a “wide stance”.

      Feb 7, 2010 at 11:48 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #12   Man in a pant suit

    Is this place owned by the fucking Osmonds?

    Feb 7, 2010 at 9:31 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   Canthz_B bang

      The Osmonds don’t fuck…at least not like those miscreants in the King Family.

      Feb 7, 2010 at 9:36 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #12.2   anglophile bang

      If that’s true, CB, then how come there are so many of them?

      Feb 7, 2010 at 9:55 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #12.3   Canthz_B bang

      Because they’re doing the Lord’s work…we are all God’s children, He just asks some of us to give Him more than others.
      Personally, I think He likes His kids to have huge teeth, so the Osmonds were a perfect choice.

      Feb 7, 2010 at 10:27 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #12.4   Palomon bang

      I’m Irish Catholic. My mother’s a virgin.

      Feb 7, 2010 at 10:42 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #13   Canthz_B bang

    This place rocks!

    Alchemists have long known that if you stock Caffeine-Free Coke, Sprite, or Orange Crush in a Pepsi machine, the machine will dispense Kamikazes.

    Feb 7, 2010 at 9:33 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   infant tyrone bang

      So, you’d think the BYU Asian Studies Department (two dudes named Kevin, I think) would hold their end of semester bacchanals there.

      You’d be wrong, it’s always the Philosophy Department getting Stoned,
      the way Philosophers do.

      Feb 7, 2010 at 10:09 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #14   Canthz_B bang

    I don’t know about anyone else, but I’d take this very seriously and pay my $1.59.

    Any note which merits hiring a bona fide scribe to produce, must be taken seriously.
    Besides, the people in the upper kingdoms walk like stampeding buffalo, and who needs that shit for all eternity?

    Feb 7, 2010 at 9:44 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

  • #15   adam

    This note raises several good points. Especially the one about integrity.

    Feb 8, 2010 at 8:14 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #16   matt

    I’m a little suspicious of that phrase down the bottom “owner and staff” I’m thinking that means not so much ‘owner and employees’ but owner with a big-ass stick ready to cane some ‘integrity’ into those mischeivous, theiving brats..

    Feb 8, 2010 at 8:31 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #17   Jan

    I believe the woman who wrote the note also scrapbooks… probably where she honed the fine art of journaling.

    Feb 8, 2010 at 8:47 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #18   Q

    Honestly, I’m Team Store on this one. At the restaurant where I work, we do whatever we can to prevent people from stealing fountain drinks, such as getting their water from our drive thru area.. I’ll even call them out when someone decides they’re going to save their weeks old cup just so that they can “refill” it. That’s just cheap and disgusting, and it’s also theft, whether someone cares to think of it that way or not.

    Feb 8, 2010 at 9:36 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   Wade bang

      So is charging $1.59 for 10¢ worth of soda.

      Feb 8, 2010 at 10:13 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #18.2   Q

      Soda prices have been steadily increasing over the years, really. But people will steal for the sake of stealing. Where I work, 32 oz drinks are $1, and yet people will STILL steal drinks.

      Feb 8, 2010 at 10:18 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #18.3   FeRD

      Perhaps they don’t pay for drinks simply because they don’t want to be forced to interact with the ever-so-laidback and non-judgemental staff!


      Feb 9, 2010 at 1:52 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #19   DogBitez

    My integrity matters most with the little dishonesties? Does that mean I’m cut some slack with the big ones? So pay for my beverage… but don’t stress out over robbing the joint?

    Feb 8, 2010 at 9:37 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #20   Bunnee

    Little known fact: Captain Moroni’s first name?


    Feb 8, 2010 at 10:33 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   Jebidiah

      you need to catch up on your BOM reading. Bony and Moroni don’t rhyme. Moroni has a long “I” – like Gemini.

      you need to catch up if you want to attain the highest kingdom.

      Feb 8, 2010 at 12:40 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #20.2   infant tyrone bang

      Bony used to have enough letters to spell his name unambiguously.
      It’s supposed to be Boneye, but some “poet” named cummings
      jacked two vowels and never looked back.

      Feb 8, 2010 at 1:11 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #20.3   Bunnee

      No thanks, Jeb. I’m quite happy with my own little kingdom right here on earth. Besides, I think most non-Mormons would see that name and (quite logically) assume that it is pronounced “Moroney”. Like “Marconi” and “spumoni”.

      How would you pronounce “Moroni” if you removed the “i” at the end?… That’s how I pronounce people who squash jokes. You know, in MY kingdom.

      Feb 8, 2010 at 1:22 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #20.4   pb&j

      but your joke wasn’t funni…. or was that funney…..

      Feb 8, 2010 at 4:51 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #20.5   infant tyrone bang

      I think it was pretty funneye even w/o invoking the poetic license clause.
      The (green) painters appear to favor the poets on this one.
      Artists, comics, painters…thumb things never change !

      Feb 8, 2010 at 6:10 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #20.6   Crab

      GORDON: “What have you done with Harvey Dent?”
      JOKER: “Me? I was right here. Who did you leave him with? *Your* people? Assuming, of course, that they are still your people… and not… Captain Moroni’s.”
      -The Dark Knight

      Feb 9, 2010 at 2:49 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #21   Pterosaur

    I’m a Buddhist, so your “lower kingdoms” don’t scare me. I only have to suffer from the fruits of my own karma in this current existence. (In this case, the inevitable metabolic disorder brought on by all the stolen Pepsi.)

    Feb 8, 2010 at 10:50 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   park rose bang

      It’s true. If you come back as a cockroach, I guess your life of suffering is at least shorter. The question though is would you be aware of this fact?

      Feb 8, 2010 at 2:06 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #21.2   Pterosaur

      Is that why cockroaches always go for the sticky spills? They’re reincarnated soda thieves?

      Feb 8, 2010 at 9:49 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #21.3   park rose bang

      That’s why they move so fast, too. Caffeine junkies. Karma’s a bitch though, eh? They got reincarnated in Utah.

      Feb 10, 2010 at 10:33 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #22   sarah

    i think maybe i would feel more offended if this were typed in all-caps IMPACT bold, but this lovely handwritten rendition almost makes me want to just give them $1.59 for the hell of it

    Feb 8, 2010 at 11:20 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   Wade bang

      Don’t you mean “for the lower kingdom of it?”

      Feb 8, 2010 at 11:46 am   rating: 23  small thumbs up

  • #23   suntrack

    The most profit comes from the drinks and soda. The $1.59 is really cheap and I hope the service is good too!

    Feb 8, 2010 at 12:13 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #24   merkin4

    I used to have a job in Provo. Strange, strange town. BYU culture is truly warped, even to those from surrounding areas.

    The BYU groundskeeping department re-seeded a bunch of lawns, put down some sod, then put up a bunch of signs saying “Cougars Don’t Cut Corners.”

    Pretty soon, a bunch of additional signs showed up with stuff like “Cougars Don’t Wear Pants”, “Cougars Don’t Have Curfews”, and “Cougars Eat Raw Meat.”

    Sadly, many people I met in Provo seem to have the idea that breaking the rules of the university means breaking the commandments of God.

    And although I have plenty of disgust for BYU, I have to give them credit on one major issue – they are clear about the rules. If you don’t want to follow their rules, don’t join their club.

    Feb 8, 2010 at 1:18 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   GhostWriter bang

      But they didn’t tell me about the magic underpants until after I joined!

      Feb 8, 2010 at 1:49 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #25   JMonkey78 bang

    Thank you Terry!

    I know its worn out, but somehow it just seems appropriate here.

    Feb 8, 2010 at 2:57 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #26   Azucar

    I laugh at that note every time I go into that joint–and it’s got the best pizza in the valley, hands down.

    Feb 8, 2010 at 5:01 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #27   Fanboy Wife

    Alright! Atheists get free drinks!

    Feb 8, 2010 at 8:32 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   jetjackson bang

      Brilliant! Thumbs a go go!

      Feb 8, 2010 at 8:40 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #27.2   PPL Daughter

      Don’t forget the other non-Mormons, like the Baptists. They blamed them for the bad weather one year….

      Feb 8, 2010 at 10:56 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #27.3   park rose bang

      And to think Noah blamed God.

      Feb 8, 2010 at 11:40 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #27.4   JMonkey78 bang

      Those damn Baptist. They use too much water going around baptizing people. They are the cause of this drought. To the lower kingdom with them.

      Feb 9, 2010 at 9:39 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #28   Audrey

    I grew up Mormon, and I will tell you: before I read the post, I recognized the “font”, and I knew a Mormon wrote it. Somewhere along the line all the girls/women get it into their heads that you have to write like that. On every. Fucking. Thing.

    I’m going to have flashbacks now. Thanks a lot!

    Feb 8, 2010 at 11:23 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #28.1   Finie

      Don’t they teach it in Sunday School? Or in Young Womens. Or something like that…I left before I got the lesson.

      Feb 11, 2010 at 12:48 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #28.2   TippingCows

      You know, I think you’re right. I used to work with a mormon. She wrote me a letter once after leaving our place of work. It looked just like this, except her letters were smaller. Otherwise, yeah. All her writing looked like this.
      I NEVER KNEWZ!!!

      Feb 18, 2010 at 3:56 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #29   Lou Smith

    Ah, passive aggressiveness… a staple of Mormon culture

    Feb 9, 2010 at 2:11 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #29.1   JMonkey78 bang

      Yes a staple, like weird underoos, strange mission trips, strict rules, and multiple wives. Am I missing anything. Oh yeah Football. Nothing says I love God like throwing a pigskin (unclean animal) through the air and hitting other men. Now that is Godly.

      Feb 9, 2010 at 9:51 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #30   mdwalker

    Come on people, mormons can drink caffine, just not coffee or tea, also, I think the multiple wives thing has been overdone, let’s think of something new. It’s a cultural thing, as I understand it, most of Provo would laugh at this since it is mostly mormon. Of course it sounds silly when it is taken out of the culture and put on a blog. Let the mormons be lighthearted and have a little fun too.

    Feb 9, 2010 at 1:04 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #30.1   JMonkey78 bang

      yeah you dont have to be Paligamist…I mean bigamist about it. Mormon need to let down their hair occassionally, if not all the time. I mean this is a joke between friends, and kingdoms. I mean I would be offended if someone made fun of banjos and overalls, since people where i come from where them. That movie “Deliverance” really chaps my Ass, and apparently others feel the same way.

      Feb 10, 2010 at 1:46 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #30.2   TippingCows

      Other stuff.
      It could be the lack of sleep, but I just want to strangle you right now.

      Feb 18, 2010 at 3:58 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #31   MeerkatMP

    Wait wait, I have Mormon friends and apparently they don’t drink caffeinated drinks. So shouldn’t this passive aggressive note include a further spite for not only stealing, but also drinking pepsi?

    Feb 9, 2010 at 8:29 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #32   christine

    Seriously, people take a chill pill.

    You can find whatever it is you’re looking for wherever you are. Utah is not one of the lower kingdoms, nor is the highest. It’s only what you make of it.

    Feb 9, 2010 at 9:01 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #33   thegriffin88

    Mormons huh? Just for that I’ll dine and dash.

    They should be paying me!

    Feb 11, 2010 at 2:20 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #34   Chelsea

    Please tell me where this is. I really want to go and steal soda just on principle!

    Feb 13, 2010 at 5:12 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #35   Soda stealers are the lowest forms of life! |

    [...] related: Is it really worth $1.59 to spend eternity in one of the lower kingdoms? [...]

    Nov 22, 2011 at 12:23 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up


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