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Socializing: You’re doing it wrong

February 10th, 2010 · 105 comments

You know how it’s usually way easier to write off someone off as an annoying asshole than it is to feel sorry for them? But then something happens — like this whiteboard note — and suddenly, you feel like the asshole…but you still resent the person for making you feel that way. And now it’s just awkward all around, because that person doesn’t want pity from an asshole like you, anyway. Sigh.

My parents think I am not being social enough. I have LOTS of chocolate. The ball is in your court now!

This note makes me sad, so I will choose to deal with these uncomfortable feelings by blaming the parents, even though I know that isn’t fair either. Now I feel sorry for the parents, too. Okay, I’m going to look at more pictures from the Puppy Bowl now.

related: Your one and only Wife #1

FILED UNDER: bad sales pitch · college life · Moms & Dads · most popular notes of 2010 · whiteboard

105 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Q

    Where did they get their socializing skills from, Willy the lovable hobo that lives in the alley?

    Feb 10, 2010 at 3:14 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #2   Wade bang

    Wow. Trying to overcome parental concerns of social isolation by offering others candy.

    I wonder if [resident of a particular college dorm] owns a windowless van.

    Feb 10, 2010 at 3:14 pm   rating: 41  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   jetjackson bang

      It put’s the chocolate in the basket… or it gets the hose again!

      Feb 10, 2010 at 11:21 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #2.2   infant tyrone bang

      As ye sew, so shall ye reap ?
      Precious memories of lamb stew for $1000, please, Alex…

      P.S. I was your first voter on the beer bidet riff…

      Feb 10, 2010 at 11:46 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #3   Kathy

    At first I thought it said “My pants….”, which would be a whole different case of pity.

    Feb 10, 2010 at 3:17 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Critical Grass bang

      Dear [resident of a particular college dorm],

      My pants think I’m not being social enough. I have LOTS of “candy”. The balls is in your court now. *wink wink, nudge nudge*

      Feb 10, 2010 at 5:32 pm   rating: 25  small thumbs up

    • #3.2   park rose bang

      Sure. I blame the pants. Pants. ‘Chocolate’. Ewww.

      Plus, the pants are obviously purple corduroy, a bit like the ones I’m wearing now, or we could go with the U.K. usage of pants (underwear) vs trousers (pants), which takes us even more back to ewww.

      Feb 10, 2010 at 5:57 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #4   ClearlyDemented

    It’s nice that the parents of the one person who’s actually studying in college have still found something to complain about.

    Feb 10, 2010 at 3:23 pm   rating: 59  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   not gen anything

      That’s parents for you.

      Feb 10, 2010 at 3:54 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #4.2   Enso

      Who says he’s holed up studying?

      Feb 10, 2010 at 4:41 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #4.3   Connie

      Damn judgmental pants.

      Feb 10, 2010 at 7:56 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #4.4   Keith

      Perhaps the writer is the Head (or whatever the proper title is) of the College.

      Cue for old joke:
      “Mummy I don’t want to go to school today”;
      “But you’re the Head Teacher, you’ve got to”

      *runs for the door*

      Feb 11, 2010 at 6:57 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #5   fran

    i think it takes balls to write something like that… good on ya mate! just hopefully the kid will make some good friends and not just be the “chocolate factory” ;-)

    Feb 10, 2010 at 3:26 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   park rose bang

      Chocolate salty balls.

      Feb 10, 2010 at 6:11 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #5.2   Amanda

      Schwetty Balls?

      Feb 11, 2010 at 11:24 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #5.3   Bunnee bang

      Schwetty, chocolate, salty balls in his pants? I hope he’s stocked up on the Spray N Wash.

      Feb 11, 2010 at 12:11 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #5.4   park rose bang

      They might be Lindt balls, then right, Bunnee? Mmm, Lindt balls. . .

      Actually, now we know he’s a she, maybe she really does have balls, like this. Bet a lot of the guys and gals on the floor would be clamouring and clambering to get a taste…

      Feb 11, 2010 at 7:13 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #6   Woman on the Verge bang

    Come a little closer, kids… I have LOTS of candy…

    Feb 10, 2010 at 3:28 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #7   Kim

    Oh, heavens, that’s hilarious! I think I’d be a total sucker for something like this.

    Feb 10, 2010 at 3:38 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Mark bang

      You being a sucker is EXACTLY what the antisocial loser wants. He’ll offer you a “lolly”…

      Feb 10, 2010 at 3:54 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #8   The Ninth Planet

    They should have kept quiet. Up until this note, people probably figured the writer must have some friends, somewhere… and now they know the truth.

    Feb 10, 2010 at 4:03 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

  • #9   dave

    no comments? I see 9 comments on the main page.
    are you mocking me? I’ll mock you intraweb.


    btw I wanted to say hilarious note.
    Way to say “boo ya! ‘rents. Want me to be friends with assholes??! How about now, huh?

    Feb 10, 2010 at 4:03 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   Feh!

      You’re almost a dozen posts too late for that. But never fear, you’ve still made it in plenty of time to be openly mocked for posting “FIRST!!!1!”

      Feb 10, 2010 at 4:17 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #9.2   dave

      hmm are you proud of yourself? you should be though. Only two lines on public space and you proved yourself an idiot. I am not gonna even try and explain sarcasm to you.

      Feb 10, 2010 at 4:23 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #9.3   park rose bang

      Your parents might approve, though, dave.

      Feb 10, 2010 at 6:21 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #9.4   dave

      I liked the name feh! better but whatever.

      Feb 10, 2010 at 7:38 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #9.5   oi bang

      dave made a good point. Probably note writer’s intent is not to make friends there for whatever reasons(not her type, or they are mean, or whatever) at the same time she wants to appear following her parents tyranny. Then this note is a clever ploy. I can see dialog in her mind going: “you want me to be more social mom? ok I will make friends. Watch me try, mom and here you go!”

      Feb 11, 2010 at 10:16 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #9.6   anglophile bang

      dave, I am 95% certain Feh! is not park rose.

      Not me, either.

      Feb 11, 2010 at 10:28 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #9.7   park rose bang

      Ah, thanks glo. Now I understand dave’s 9.4 comment. dave, I thought that explaining irony to an asshole might fulfill your parents’ wishes, as you had outlined in #9. That’s all that my response meant. I also almost posted some linear algebra, but I contained myself.

      Feb 11, 2010 at 10:43 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #9.8   infant tyrone bang

      Don’t believe her for a nanosecond, Dave…
      Rose’s forte is Fast Fourier Transforms.
      Her idea of a gnarly matrix has to do with cuticles, not reticules.
      She’s being disingenuously disingenius…you get used to it.

      P.S. 96.8% sure she’s not feh, “fey” maybe, but “feh” not so much

      Feb 11, 2010 at 11:16 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #9.9   dave

      oh my bad then park rose. your encrypted comment made me think that you called me an asshole. so I thought may be you posted as feh! or why would you think that I am an asshole. I don’t know why you restrained yourself from posting algebra that is certainly better than all this pop culture references.

      Feb 11, 2010 at 4:10 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #9.10   anglophile bang

      Ok, now you’re just begging to be called an asshole, whether cryptically or encrypted. But I won’t. It wouldn’t be neighborly. I’m sure you didn’t really mean to insult every other person on the thread, did you?

      Feb 11, 2010 at 4:30 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #9.11   dave

      What’s up with you anglophile?
      Is there something you know that others don’t?

      Feb 11, 2010 at 4:45 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #9.12   jetjackson bang

      “Bubbe, I probably know a lot you don’t!”

      There’s a pop reference for you. ;)

      Feb 11, 2010 at 5:15 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #9.13   park rose bang

      Sorry, dave. Direct quote:

      Way to say boo’ya rents! Want me to be friends with assholes??! How about now, huh?

      Which I thought was pretty clever and funny. It seemed feh did not get your original ‘first!’ joke. You said you would not explain it. If you had done so, you might have become friends with an ‘asshole’. Your parents would be happy as per what you originally wrote.

      I thought you would get my reference to your original post. But it’s still in the grey, so it probably is a mixture of being too cryptic and not that funny.

      Regarding linear algebra, sorry, reference to Good Will Hunting which you also seem to refer to in your first post, or allude to. So as pop culture as they come. Contained and restrained myself, because it probably really would have been even more cryptic and not worth it. But, if you wanna be friends with assholes, or not, there are plenty of us here.

      ty, I meant what I originally said at 9.7. Nails at present, rather blunt and gormless.

      Anyway, dave, join in the fun. I’ve got no fight with you. You’re green on your two comments. Just enjoy it.

      Feb 11, 2010 at 5:18 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #9.14   Vintage_K bang

      *pointing finger at Dave* —–> SHAME!!!

      and yes i’m “quoting” a pop reference.

      Feb 11, 2010 at 5:51 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #9.15   infant tyrone bang


      The regulars here all know that she knows (along with all of us) that pop culture references are pretty much par for this course, and that if that sort of thing isn’t your cup of tea (see, even though that’s a common idiom, I picked it especially for anglophile even though I could have chosen a more obscure phrase…we do that for/to each other from time to time), then you’re certainly welcome to book out of here (nod to park rose) and patronize your local regular links, driving range, or PuttPutt course.

      If you’re still reading, can you confirm my take on your opening lines @#9 or tell us what you meant if my reading is off base? Please ?

      no comments? I see 9 comments on the main page.
      are you mocking me? I’ll mock you intraweb.

      My guess is that the new note showed up with a number (9) of comments already displayed, but in the spot between the bold headline and the explanatory blurb, somehow it was saying that there were zero comments.

      BTW, I’m a retired teacher who got an 800 on the optional SAT Level 2 Algebra ‘achievement test’ back in the spring of 1968, so although I may be rusty on some aspects, if you want to work some problems into your comments as added challenges, I’d be happy to have a go at solving them.

      I get almost all of the references here, but when I can’t figure it out even after a dose of Google, sometimes, especially if it seems like it’s something I should recognize, I just ask the poster to explain it.


      P.S. But to answer your question: Yes, she knows lots of things that the others don’t, but I can’t tell you what they are for a fairly obvious reason.

      TSBE: rose, I never saw the film, so I just dealt with the surface mention of linear algebra, which I just delved into a little with a junior college course in matrix algebra. Wasn’t trying to prompt a description or assessment of your digits and after looking up my new cool scrabble word, gormless, I’m left with two primary options for what you might have meant. I think I’ll just leave it indeterminate for now…y’know, keep up the mystery and all.

      Feb 11, 2010 at 5:55 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #9.16   dave

      I wish I knew my words held this much power over you guys! Did I express my dislike towards pop culture references or touched the wasp’s nest with a live torch?
      Park rose: What I meant by that direct quote was: by putting that note, note writer was defying her parents by ultimately not succeeding in making any friends. I did not say anything about my parents though. I just expressed note writer’s thoughts in first person. she does not want to be friends with them because may be they are assholes(yeah I assumed but I was trying to come up the reason why is she does not want to be friends with dorm mates. because with a request like that who would make friends ever?) so it never crossed my mind that you were saying what you clarified.
      and I never referenced good will hunting, I just said what ever I wanted to say. May be my words hit too close to one of conversation in the movie or something? I have not watched it so I would not know.
      I certainly will join the fun. I don’t have a beef with you either or else I would not have said my bad.
      and anglophile and all other posters if you are too quick to take offences then be my guest.

      Feb 11, 2010 at 6:15 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #9.17   dave

      I fell asleep when I reached about third paragraph. so can’t reply to you right now.
      sorry about that. I will try again tomorrow morning with my coffee in my hand alright?

      Feb 11, 2010 at 6:27 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #9.18   infant tyrone bang

      Welcome to the party then.
      It’s not a quote or anything, just something I heard from some bloke.

      If one train leaves the station at 8:00 AM at 50 MPH,
      45 minutes before a second train leaves at 62.5 MPH,
      then why are they partying in the computer room?

      Feb 11, 2010 at 6:34 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #9.19   Beth

      umm… Daves 4 Life!

      Feb 13, 2010 at 7:17 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #10   bug

    the worst thing about this note is that there is no appropriate response. let’s say someone was actually tripped into wanting to make friends with note writer….the attempt is already doomed becuz note writer knows they’re only after their delicious multitudes of chocolate.

    Feb 10, 2010 at 4:05 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   infant tyrone bang

      But for those willing to think “outside the box of chocolates“, there is a perfectly appropriate and equitable response.

      A person reading this note can contact the writer and propose to supply the relevant (subject to negotiation) recreational chemicals* if
      the writer supplies an appropriate amount of chocolate for dessert.

      *These could run the gamut from milk to coffee to OTC and/or prescription medicines to even medical or non-medical marijuana.

      In a co-ed dorm or on a campus where word travels quickly, this could lead to two wallflowers, if not getting into the large-scale social life of the establishment, at least getting into the same bag of “potting soil”.

      Feb 10, 2010 at 4:29 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #10.2   bug

      had some phenomenal ‘shroom chocolates a while back that were, in retrospect, quite possibly the result of just such a scenario.

      Feb 10, 2010 at 4:54 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #10.3   infant tyrone bang

      Check my #1.2 from yesterday (Tooth Fairy note).

      I’ve never heard of chocolate ‘shrooms, but maybe there’s a market for, oh, something on the order of chocolate frogs with added bufotenine.

      Maybe they could supplant chocolate bunnies at Easter-time for the “cool kids”. Hey Peeps™ are just marshmallow chicks…WTF not, huh ?

      You could market it with the tag line, “Why not get a Peep at reality through Mr. Toad’s eyes ?”

      I mean, if you’re selling a Schedule 1, Class A chemical, are you really worried about what the legal department of Just Born is going to say ?

      Hope you and your Significant Tooth got off and then got it on.

      Feb 10, 2010 at 6:33 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #11   farcical aquatic ceremony

    that loud THWOCK sound was me hitting that “ball” way the f*ck out of MY court, ya weirdo.

    Feb 10, 2010 at 4:07 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Kelly

      Ow! My ball!

      Feb 11, 2010 at 12:23 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #12   Shona

    This note is clearly a screening process, ensuring only other weirdos need apply.

    Feb 10, 2010 at 4:39 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   FeRD

      You’re just bitter because you didn’t make the cut.

      …Hmm. Or is it because you DID?

      Feb 10, 2010 at 5:31 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #12.2   park rose bang

      Mmmm, bitter chocolate…

      Feb 10, 2010 at 5:59 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #12.3   infant tyrone bang

      I doubt this will do anything except get spit out by Heisa, but we’ll try…

      She [Mrs. Quoad] brings out from behind its cretonne camouflage a
      great bowl of candies. “_Now_,” beaming at Slothrop. “Here: wine
      jellies. They’re prewar.”
      “Now I remember you — the one with the graft at the Ministry of
      Supply!” but he knows, from last time, that no gallantry can help him
      now. After that visit he wrote home to Nalline: “The English are
      kind of weird when it comes to the way things taste, Mom. They aren’t
      like us. It might be the climate. They go for things we would never
      dream of. Sometimes it is enough to turn your stomach, boy. The
      other day I had one of these things they call ‘wine jellies.’ That’s
      their idea of _candy_, Mom! Figure out a way to feed some to that
      Hitler ‘n’ I betcha the war’d be over _tomorrow_!” Now once again he
      finds himself checking out these ruddy gelatin objects, nodding, he
      hopes amiably, at Mrs. Quoad. They have the names of different wines
      within on them in bas-relief.
      “Just a touch of menthol too,” Mrs. Quoad popping one into her
      mouth. “Delicious.”
      Slothrop finally chooses one that says Lafitte Rothschild and
      stuffs it on into his kisser. “Oh yeah. Yeah. Mmm. It’s great.”
      “If you _really_ want something peculiar try the Bernkastler
      Doktor. Oh! Aren’t you the one who brought me those lovely American
      slimy elm things, maple-tasting with a touch of sassafras –”
      “Slippery elm. Jeepers I’m sorry, I ran out yesterday.”
      Darlene comes in with a steaming pot and three cups on a tray.
      “What’s that?” Slothrop a little quickly, here.
      “You don’t really want to know, Tyrone.”
      “Quite right,” after the first sip, wishing she’d used more lime
      juice or something to kill the basic taste, which is ghastly-bitter.
      These people are really insane. No sugar, natch. He reaches in the
      candy bowl, comes up with a black, ribbed licorice drop. It looks
      safe. But just as he’s biting in, Darlene gives him, and it, a
      peculiar look, great timing this girl, sez, “Oh, I thought we got rid
      of all _those_ –” a blithe, Gilbert & Sullivan ingenue’s _thewse_ —
      “_years_ ago,” at which point Slothrop is encountering this dribbling
      liquid center, which tastes like mayonnaise and orange peels.
      “You’ve taken the last of my Marmalade Surprises!” cries Mrs.
      Quoad, having now with conjuror’s speed prodeuced an egg-shaped
      confection of pastel green, studded all over with lavender nonpareils.
      “Just for that I shan’t let you hace any of these marvelous rhubarb
      creams.” Into her mouth it goes, the whole thing.
      “Serves me right,” Slothrop, wondering just what he means by this,
      sipping herb tea to remove the taste of the mayonnaise candy — oops
      but that’s a mistake, right, here’s his mouth filling once again with
      horrible alkaloid desolation, all the way back to the soft palate
      where it digs in. Darlene, pure Nightingale compassion, is handing
      him a hard red candy, molded like a stylized raspberry… mm, which
      oddly enough even tastes like a raspberry, though it can’t begin to
      take away the bitterness. Impatiently, he bites into it, and in the
      act knows, fucking idiot, he’s been had once more, there comes pouring
      out onto his tongue the most godawful crystalline concentration of
      Jeez it must be pure nitric acid, “Oh mercy that’s really _sour_,”
      hardly able to get the words out he’s so puckered up, exactly the sort
      of thing Hop Harrigan used to pull to get Tank Tinker to quit playing
      his ocarina, a shabby trick and twice as reprehensible coming from an
      old lady who’s supposed to be one of our Allies, shit he can’t even
      _see_ it’s up his nose and whatever it is it won’t dissolve, just goes
      on torturing his shriveling tongue and crunches like ground glass
      among his molars. Mrs. Quoad is meantime busy savoring, bite by
      dainty bite, a cherry-quinine petit four. She beams at the young
      people across the candy bowl. Slothrop, forgetting, reaches again for
      his tea. There is no graceful way out of this now. Darlene has
      brought a couple-three more candy jars down off the shelf, and now he
      goes plunging, like a journey to the center of some small, hostile,
      planet, into an enourmous bonbon _chomp_ through the mantle of
      chocolate to a strongly eucalyptus-flavored fondant, finally into a
      core of some very tough grape gum arabic. He fingernails a piece of
      this out from between his teeth and stares at it for a while. It is
      purple in color.
      “Now you’re getting the idea!” Mrs. Quoad waving at him a marbled
      conglomerate of ginger root, butterscotch, and aniseed, “you see, you
      also have to enjoy the way it _looks_. Why are Americans so
      “Well,” mumbling, “usually we don’t get any more complicated than
      Hershey bars, see…”
      “Oh try _this_,” hollers Darlene, clutching her throat and swaying
      against him.
      “Gosh, it must really be something,” doubtfully taking this
      nasty-looking brownish novelty, an exact quarter-scale replica of a
      Mills-type hand grenade, lever, pin and everything, one of a series of
      patriotic candies put out before sugar was quite so scarce, also
      including, he notices, peering into the jar, a .455 Webley cartridge
      of green and pink striped taffy, a six-ton earthquake bomb of some
      silver-flecked blue gelatin, and a licorice bazooka.
      “Go on then,” Darlene actually taking his hand with the candy in it
      and trying to shove it into his mouth.
      “Was just, you know, looking at it, the way Mrs. Quoad suggested.”
      “And no fair squeezing it, Tyrone.”
      Under its tamarind glaze, the Mills bomb turns out to be luscious
      pepsin-flavored nougat, chock-full of tangy candied cubeb berries, and
      a chewy camphor-gum center. It is unspeakably awful. Slothrop’s head
      begins to reel with camphor fumes, his eyes are running, his tongue’s
      a hopeless holocaust. Cubeb? He used to _smoke_ that stuff.
      “Poisoned…” he is able to croak.
      “Show a little backbone,” advises Mrs. Quoad.
      “Yes,” Darlene through tongue-softened sheets of caramel, “don’t
      you know there’s a war on? Here now love, open your mouth.”
      Through the tears he can’t see it too well, but he can hear Mrs.
      Quoad across the table going “Yum, yum, yum,” and Darlene giggling.
      It is enormous and soft, like a marshmallow, but somehow — unless
      something is now going seriously wrong with his brain — it tastes
      like gin. “Wha’s ‘is,” he inquires thickly.
      “A gin marshmallow,” sez Mrs. Quoad.
      “Oh that’s nothing, have one of _these_ –” his teeth, in some
      perverse reflex, crunching now through a hard sour gooseberry shell
      into a wet spurting unpleasantness of, he hopes it’s tapioca, little
      glutinous chunks of something all saturated with powdered cloves.
      “More tea?” Darlene suggests. Slothrop is coughing violently,
      having inhaled some of that clove filling.
      “Nasty cough,” Mrs. Quoad offering a tin of that least believable
      of English coughdrops, the Meggezone. “Darlene, the tea is lovely, I
      can feel my scurvy going away, really I can.”
      The Meggezone is like being belted in the head with a Swiss Alp.
      Menthol icicles immediately begin to grow from the roof of Slothrop’s
      mouth. Polar bears seek toenail-holds up the freezing frosty-grape
      alveolar clusters in his lungs. It hurts his teeth too much to
      breathe, even through his nose, even, necktie loosened, with his nose
      down inside the neck of his olive-drab T-shirt. Benzoin vapors seep
      into his brain. His head floats in a halo of ice.

      Known as The Disgusting English Candy Scene of Gravity’s Rainbow

      Feb 10, 2010 at 6:41 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #12.4   Gavin

      Maybe this will be featured as quote of the day. It’s pithy enough

      Feb 11, 2010 at 7:49 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #12.5   infant tyrone bang

      Prob’ly never happen.
      Sexy porcupines ad would get pushed off the page + revenues plummet.
      But considering ‘pith’ can be the central part of something, like the ghastly and gooey middle of the candies above, it’s an honor to be nominated.
      I’ll be sure to tell Tom the next time we’re out for pizza + beer.

      Feb 11, 2010 at 8:24 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #12.6   Janey

      Does anyone ever read these long posts?

      Feb 11, 2010 at 8:29 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #12.7   infant tyrone bang

      No, not really…

      Six and eighty-six year olds just thumb them because they’re impressed by the cyber-wizardry of cutting and pasting such a large chunk of text.

      If they get in the way of your latest plan to achieve total world domination, feel free to scroll past them. If you don’t have a scrolling mouse, feel free to trade in whatever number of teeth you think the Tooth Fairy will need in order to give you the requisite cash to buy one.

      Feb 11, 2010 at 10:34 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #13   Resident Grammarian esq bang

    Sure I’ll be your friend. But woe unto you if that chocolate isn’t fantastic – nothing lower than Cadbury.

    Feb 10, 2010 at 5:25 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   FeRD

      Yeah, it better be fucking del… oh, screw it.

      Feb 10, 2010 at 5:33 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #13.2   park rose bang

      Ah, look, RGe… someone has chocolate, I’m in! Or maybe they’re in me. What I mean to say is, I’m easy. I’m anyone’s, my name is park rose and I’m a chocoholic.

      Feb 10, 2010 at 6:02 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #13.3   infant tyrone bang

      Hey, keep coming back to the meetings, rose.
      It’s nothing personal…it’s all just chemicals.
      You’re responding to theobromine and tyramine, that’s all.
      Nothing to be ashamed of for any of us.
      I know I could quit anytime but for the childhood trauma and all.
      I’ll be back, but I gotta meet a dude named Reese.

      P.S. What size batteries go in that electric Toblerrone ?

      Feb 10, 2010 at 6:48 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #13.4   Kelly

      I also cannot live without sweet, sweet chocohol.

      Feb 11, 2010 at 12:24 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #13.5   MaybeItWasTheRoses

      Mmmmm. Cadbury. After six months in the US, you could probably buy my friendship for a Dairy Milk bar.

      Feb 11, 2010 at 7:28 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #13.6   JMonkey78 bang

      Well I am in the states and I happen to have in my hand, right here, a Dairy Milk bar. Uhmmmm! But the price is higher than friendship. I am talking about your undying soul? Any takers?

      Feb 11, 2010 at 12:02 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #14   park rose bang

    Ammended and placed in more apt position (maybe). Sorry and thank you, thumb person.

    Feb 10, 2010 at 6:06 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #15   nico

    Chocolate’s pretty cheap – definitely not worth hanging out with a creepy weirdo for. He’d have better luck with booze – or better yet, drugs.
    Ug, this is the saddest note I’ve ever seen…

    Feb 10, 2010 at 6:10 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #16   Hillary

    I thought this note was quite clever because it ensured that only those who have similar senses of humor to the note-writer would show up. The people who reacted with something along the lines of “ew, freak” are probably not the sort the writer would like to be friends with, anyway.

    Feb 10, 2010 at 6:12 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   infant tyrone bang

      Prescient meta-analysis, Hillary.
      You must wow the Profs.
      So, do you like dark, milk, or white chocolate the best ?
      I’ve got all those and more back at my place just off campus.
      C’mon take a little walk with me…

      Feb 10, 2010 at 6:55 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #16.2   Connie

      Alternatively, she’ll just end up with all future diabetic friends.

      Feb 10, 2010 at 8:00 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #16.3   kr

      I agree with you. This note did not indicate that the writer thought of him/her self as a loser. It was a commentary on her/his parents–something the person thought other students could identify with. (-:

      Feb 11, 2010 at 9:27 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #17   Pterosaur

    This isn’t first grade, where you make friends because Mommy brought cupcakes for the class.

    You want friends? Buy a keg and host a LAN party (science-tech majors), Band Hero tournament (liberal arts majors), or orgy (political science majors).

    Feb 10, 2010 at 7:53 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   Palomon bang

      …or toga party (classics majors).

      Feb 10, 2010 at 8:21 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #17.2   JMonkey78 bang

      Status Update: JMonkey78 is now interested in Political Science. He presumes to switch majors shortly.

      Feb 11, 2010 at 12:03 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #18   Palomon bang

    did it occur to anyone that the note was written ironically? Or as a goof? Perhaps to a floor of people he was already friendly with?

    I want to believe that. I really want to.

    Feb 10, 2010 at 8:20 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   ari

      nope. i live there. i remember this. she meant it.

      Feb 10, 2010 at 8:53 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #18.2   Palomon bang

      C’mon, ari, let me have my small delusions.

      Feb 10, 2010 at 11:00 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #18.3   Alex

      That’s really awkward…what did you do? (My guess would be, “sped up a little whenever passing by her room, and assiduously avoided eye contact in the even of a face-to-face meeting.” I mean, what else *can* you do?)

      Feb 10, 2010 at 11:12 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #18.4   Palomon bang

      Eat the hell outta some chocolate.

      Feb 10, 2010 at 11:52 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #19   Canthz_B bang

    I don’t think lots of chocolate works as a friend gathering strategy.
    Not unless you’re partial to Oompa Loompas.

    Feb 10, 2010 at 9:01 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   park rose bang

      Maybe she doesn’t want a lot of friends. It was all the pants’ idea, after all.

      Feb 10, 2010 at 10:07 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #19.2   Mark bang

      “These carrots taste musky.”

      Feb 11, 2010 at 10:10 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #20   appleecho

    I want to make a joke but I actually feel bad for the kid. Shit, I am in unfamiliarly territory.

    Feb 10, 2010 at 9:23 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #21   aaa bang

    a) There’s nothing wrong with being an introvert.
    b) Aren’t you supposed to be making your own decisions and not relying on your parents’ opinions by the time you get to college?
    c) The ball’s still in your court. Being more social requires you being more social, and this isn’t it.
    d) I don’t want your molester chocolate.

    Feb 10, 2010 at 10:27 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   Canthz_B bang

      I thought that, with the cost of college today, they don’t start making their own decisions until after the parents’ check for the final semester clears.

      After that, fuck ‘em!

      Feb 10, 2010 at 11:24 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #21.2   ptrish990033

      I wish I’d had my parents money giving me a free ride through college. I would have let them make every decision for me!

      Feb 10, 2010 at 11:52 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #21.3   aaa bang

      What you do is drain their bank account, then smack them upside the head so they don’t remember and blame it on online identity thieves. Then you can proceed to treat them like utter crap and buy subscriptions to porn sites to enjoy with your Real Doll.

      Feb 11, 2010 at 12:00 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #22   Canthz_B bang

    That note won’t bring in many potential friends.

    Now, if you get some peanut butter in that chocolate (or put that chocolate on some peanut butter), it may work.

    If (s)he builds it, they will come.

    Feb 10, 2010 at 11:43 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   aaa bang

      I can only see her ploy working if she had dark chocolate. Or a more expensive milk chocolate. If she just has fun size Halloween leftovers or a bunch of Hershey bars, there’s no way in hell she’ll ever make any new friends.

      Feb 11, 2010 at 12:31 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #22.2   Pterosaur

      That shit had better be imported organic free-trade gourmet recipe to stand a chance. I wouldn’t accept Hershey if it was wrapped in $10 bills.

      Feb 11, 2010 at 11:11 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #23   Desperate Dan

    How the fuck do her parents know how un-social she is being? Grades too high?

    This will sound so wrong, but meh… From her handwriting, I would guess she is Asian, ergo Asian parents — controlling much? It is at least refreshing that they want her to socialize MORE…

    Feb 10, 2010 at 11:52 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   Canthz_B bang

      Taking your assumptions at face value, maybe “her” parents just “did the math”. ;-)

      Feb 11, 2010 at 12:04 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #24   DogBitez

    That’s a funny kid. I like him/her. And someone with a smartass sense of humor like that probably has plenty of friends and/or doesn’t need a huge crowd around them. I think Mom and Dad need to get a hobby.

    Feb 11, 2010 at 9:47 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   infant tyrone bang

      Recreational sex might be a good hobby for them…
      as long as they don’t mix it up with procreational…

      Feb 11, 2010 at 10:36 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #24.2   caroline

      dogbitez, i lived across the hall from the writer last year…when this note was up. it wasn’t a joke. it was completely legit.

      Feb 11, 2010 at 11:36 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #24.3   JMonkey78 bang

      Maybe there was something else that she had to “Offer” that could have brought in more “friends”. If you know what I mean?

      Feb 11, 2010 at 12:15 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #24.4   Bunnee bang

      Well, c’mon Caroline! Details, please. Especially about the note writer and the state of his/her pants.

      Feb 11, 2010 at 12:42 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #24.5   eve

      i also lived with this person, believe me. she does not wear pants.

      Feb 11, 2010 at 3:14 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #24.6   park rose bang

      Well neither did you until you got chased out of the garden, eve.

      Feb 12, 2010 at 9:58 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #25   laurie

    You can’t just stop at the offer! Imagine if your standard pedophile did that!

    “Hey…hey kid. I’ve got some candy. You know, if you want. Ball’s in your court now! Whatever…”

    Feb 11, 2010 at 11:20 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #26   N/A

    This is how you everyone makes friends in dorms, this person is just being a little uncomfortably open about it. We used to decide which room we were going to hang out in based on what snacks they had. Failing that we’d go to the person with a loaf of bread and access to a relatively clean kitchen with a toaster.

    Feb 11, 2010 at 12:04 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #27   JMonkey78 bang

    Maybe “Chocolate” is code for something else. Now that might be.

    Feb 11, 2010 at 12:16 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   infant tyrone bang

      There aren’t any nine-letter words for recreational substances are there?

      Feb 11, 2010 at 1:12 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #27.2   Mark bang

      Snow Crash

      Feb 11, 2010 at 1:39 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #28   caroline

    eve, you made me lol.

    bunnee, i don’t know how much else there is to say lol. everyone’s like “no, the writer was being a smartass and has a good sense of humor! i’d want to be friends with them!” and all of this is just not true. she just didn’t want to make the effort of actually trying to make friends and put it on us to take the next step…..through this note….which made it awkward.

    Feb 11, 2010 at 10:03 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #29   jvon

    I’m not sure I see the problem here.

    They said they had chocolate, right?

    Go eat the chocolate and STFU.

    Feb 12, 2010 at 12:17 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #30   Max Time bang

    chocolates dark chocolate, thats the catch D:

    Feb 12, 2010 at 9:25 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #31   Your Facebook friends: just not that into you. |

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    Mar 22, 2010 at 8:29 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up


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