Socializing: You’re doing it wrong

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February 10th, 2010 · 105 comments

You know how it’s usually way easier to write off someone off as an annoying asshole than it is to feel sorry for them? But then something happens — like this whiteboard note — and suddenly, you feel like the asshole…but you still resent the person for making you feel that way. And now it’s just awkward all around, because that person doesn’t want pity from an asshole like you, anyway. Sigh.

This note makes me sad, so I will choose to deal with these uncomfortable feelings by blaming the parents, even though I know that isn’t fair either. Now I feel sorry for the parents, too. Okay, I’m going to look at more pictures from the Puppy Bowl now.

related: Your one and only Wife #1

FILED UNDER: bad sales pitch · college life · Moms & Dads · most popular notes of 2010 · whiteboard

105 responses so far ↓

#1 Q

Where did they get their socializing skills from, Willy the lovable hobo that lives in the alley?

Feb 10, 2010 at 3:14 pm rating: 6

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#2 Wade

Wow. Trying to overcome parental concerns of social isolation by offering others candy.

I wonder if [resident of a particular college dorm] owns a windowless van.

Feb 10, 2010 at 3:14 pm rating: 41

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- #2.1 jetjackson
  
  It put’s the chocolate in the basket… or it gets the hose again!
  
  Feb 10, 2010 at 11:21 pm rating: 19
- #2.2 infant tyrone
  
  As ye sew, so shall ye reap ?
  Precious memories of lamb stew for $1000, please, Alex…
  
  P.S. I was your first voter on the beer bidet riff…
  
  Feb 10, 2010 at 11:46 pm rating: 1
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#3 Kathy

At first I thought it said “My pants….”, which would be a whole different case of pity.

Feb 10, 2010 at 3:17 pm rating: 19

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- #3.1 Critical Grass
  
  Dear [resident of a particular college dorm],
  
  My pants think I’m not being social enough. I have LOTS of “candy”. The balls is in your court now. *wink wink, nudge nudge*
  
  Feb 10, 2010 at 5:32 pm rating: 25
- #3.2 park rose
  
  Sure. I blame the pants. Pants. ‘Chocolate’. Ewww.
  
  Plus, the pants are obviously purple corduroy, ~~a bit like the ones I’m wearing now~~, or we could go with the U.K. usage of pants (underwear) vs trousers (pants), which takes us even more back to ewww.
  
  Feb 10, 2010 at 5:57 pm rating: 4
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#4 ClearlyDemented

It’s nice that the parents of the one person who’s actually studying in college have still found something to complain about.

Feb 10, 2010 at 3:23 pm rating: 59

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- #4.1 not gen anything
  
  That’s parents for you.
  
  Feb 10, 2010 at 3:54 pm rating: 5
- #4.2 Enso
  
  Who says he’s holed up studying?
  
  Feb 10, 2010 at 4:41 pm rating: 3
- #4.3 Connie
  
  Damn judgmental pants.
  
  Feb 10, 2010 at 7:56 pm rating: 19
- #4.4 Keith
  
  Perhaps the writer is the Head (or whatever the proper title is) of the College.
  
  Cue for old joke:
  “Mummy I don’t want to go to school today”;
  “But you’re the Head Teacher, you’ve got to”
  
  *runs for the door*
  
  Feb 11, 2010 at 6:57 am rating: 4
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#5 fran

i think it takes balls to write something like that… good on ya mate! just hopefully the kid will make some good friends and not just be the “chocolate factory”

Feb 10, 2010 at 3:26 pm rating: 4

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- #5.1 park rose
  
  Chocolate salty balls.
  
  Feb 10, 2010 at 6:11 pm rating: 3
- #5.2 Amanda
  
  Schwetty Balls?
  
  Feb 11, 2010 at 11:24 am rating: 1
- #5.3 Bunnee
  
  Schwetty, chocolate, salty balls in his pants? I hope he’s stocked up on the Spray N Wash.
  
  Feb 11, 2010 at 12:11 pm rating: 1
- #5.4 park rose
  
  They might be Lindt balls, then right, Bunnee? Mmm, Lindt balls. . .
  
  Actually, now we know he’s a she, maybe she really does have balls, like this. Bet a lot of the guys and gals on the floor would be clamouring and clambering to get a taste…
  
  Feb 11, 2010 at 7:13 pm rating: 1
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#6 Woman on the Verge

Come a little closer, kids… I have LOTS of candy…

Feb 10, 2010 at 3:28 pm rating: 5

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#7 Kim

Oh, heavens, that’s hilarious! I think I’d be a total sucker for something like this.

Feb 10, 2010 at 3:38 pm rating: 8

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- #7.1 Mark
  
  You being a sucker is EXACTLY what the antisocial loser wants. He’ll offer you a “lolly”…
  
  Feb 10, 2010 at 3:54 pm rating: 3
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#8 The Ninth Planet

They should have kept quiet. Up until this note, people probably figured the writer must have some friends, somewhere… and now they know the truth.

Feb 10, 2010 at 4:03 pm rating: 11

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#9 dave

no comments? I see 9 comments on the main page.
are you mocking me? I’ll mock you intraweb.

FIRST!!!1!

btw I wanted to say hilarious note.
Way to say “boo ya! ‘rents. Want me to be friends with assholes??! How about now, huh?

Feb 10, 2010 at 4:03 pm rating: 11

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- #9.1 Feh!
  
  You’re almost a dozen posts too late for that. But never fear, you’ve still made it in plenty of time to be openly mocked for posting “FIRST!!!1!”
  
  Feb 10, 2010 at 4:17 pm rating: 6
- #9.2 dave
  
  feh!
  hmm are you proud of yourself? you should be though. Only two lines on public space and you proved yourself an idiot. I am not gonna even try and explain sarcasm to you.
  
  Feb 10, 2010 at 4:23 pm rating: 13
- #9.3 park rose
  
  Your parents might approve, though, dave.
  
  Feb 10, 2010 at 6:21 pm rating: 4
- #9.4 dave
  
  I liked the name feh! better but whatever.
  
  Feb 10, 2010 at 7:38 pm rating: 3
- #9.5 oi
  
  dave made a good point. Probably note writer’s intent is not to make friends there for whatever reasons(not her type, or they are mean, or whatever) at the same time she wants to appear following her parents tyranny. Then this note is a clever ploy. I can see dialog in her mind going: “you want me to be more social mom? ok I will make friends. Watch me try, mom and here you go!”
  
  Feb 11, 2010 at 10:16 am rating: 3
- #9.6 anglophile
  
  dave, I am 95% certain Feh! is not park rose.
  
  Not me, either.
  
  Feb 11, 2010 at 10:28 am rating: 0
- #9.7 park rose
  
  Ah, thanks glo. Now I understand dave’s 9.4 comment. dave, I thought that explaining irony to an asshole might fulfill your parents’ wishes, as you had outlined in #9. That’s all that my response meant. I also almost posted some linear algebra, but I contained myself.
  
  Feb 11, 2010 at 10:43 am rating: 3
- #9.8 infant tyrone
  
  Don’t believe her for a nanosecond, Dave…
  Rose’s forte is Fast Fourier Transforms.
  Her idea of a gnarly matrix has to do with cuticles, not reticules.
  She’s being disingenuously disingenius…you get used to it.
  
  P.S. 96.8% sure she’s not feh, “fey” maybe, but “feh” not so much
  
  Feb 11, 2010 at 11:16 am rating: 1
- #9.9 dave
  
  oh my bad then park rose. your encrypted comment made me think that you called me an asshole. so I thought may be you posted as feh! or why would you think that I am an asshole. I don’t know why you restrained yourself from posting algebra that is certainly better than all this pop culture references.
  
  Feb 11, 2010 at 4:10 pm rating: 0
- #9.10 anglophile
  
  Ok, now you’re just begging to be called an asshole, whether cryptically or encrypted. But I won’t. It wouldn’t be neighborly. I’m sure you didn’t really mean to insult every other person on the thread, did you?
  
  Feb 11, 2010 at 4:30 pm rating: 0
- #9.11 dave
  
  What’s up with you anglophile?
  Is there something you know that others don’t?
  
  Feb 11, 2010 at 4:45 pm rating: 0
- #9.12 jetjackson
  
  “Bubbe, I probably know a lot you don’t!”
  
  There’s a pop reference for you.
  
  Feb 11, 2010 at 5:15 pm rating: 0
- #9.13 park rose
  
  Sorry, dave. Direct quote:
  
  Way to say boo’ya rents! Want me to be friends with assholes??! How about now, huh?
  
  Which I thought was pretty clever and funny. It seemed feh did not get your original ‘first!’ joke. You said you would not explain it. If you had done so, you might have become friends with an ‘asshole’. Your parents would be happy as per what you originally wrote.
  
  I thought you would get my reference to your original post. But it’s still in the grey, so it probably is a mixture of being too cryptic and not that funny.
  
  Regarding linear algebra, sorry, reference to Good Will Hunting which you also seem to refer to in your first post, or allude to. So as pop culture as they come. Contained and restrained myself, because it probably really would have been even more cryptic and not worth it. But, if you wanna be friends with assholes, or not, there are plenty of us here.
  
  ty, I meant what I originally said at 9.7. Nails at present, rather blunt and gormless.
  
  Anyway, dave, join in the fun. I’ve got no fight with you. You’re green on your two comments. Just enjoy it.
  
  Feb 11, 2010 at 5:18 pm rating: 0
- #9.14 Vintage_K
  
  *pointing finger at Dave* —–> SHAME!!!
  
  and yes i’m “quoting” a pop reference.
  
  Feb 11, 2010 at 5:51 pm rating: 1
- #9.15 infant tyrone
  
  dave,
  
  The regulars here all know that she knows (along with all of us) that pop culture references are pretty much par for this course, and that if that sort of thing isn’t your cup of tea (see, even though that’s a common idiom, I picked it especially for anglophile even though I could have chosen a more obscure phrase…we do that for/to each other from time to time), then you’re certainly welcome to book out of here (nod to park rose) and patronize your local regular links, driving range, or PuttPutt course.
  
  If you’re still reading, can you confirm my take on your opening lines @#9 or tell us what you meant if my reading is off base? Please ?
  
  no comments? I see 9 comments on the main page.
  are you mocking me? I’ll mock you intraweb.
  
  My guess is that the new note showed up with a number (9) of comments already displayed, but in the spot between the bold headline and the explanatory blurb, somehow it was saying that there were zero comments.
  
  BTW, I’m a retired teacher who got an 800 on the optional SAT Level 2 Algebra ‘achievement test’ back in the spring of 1968, so although I may be rusty on some aspects, if you want to work some problems into your comments as added challenges, I’d be happy to have a go at solving them.
  
  I get almost all of the references here, but when I can’t figure it out even after a dose of Google, sometimes, especially if it seems like it’s something I should recognize, I just ask the poster to explain it.
  
  ty
  
  P.S. But to answer your question: Yes, she knows lots of things that the others don’t, but I can’t tell you what they are for a fairly obvious reason.
  
  TSBE: rose, I never saw the film, so I just dealt with the surface mention of linear algebra, which I just delved into a little with a junior college course in matrix algebra. Wasn’t trying to prompt a description or assessment of your digits and after looking up my new cool scrabble word, gormless, I’m left with two primary options for what you might have meant. I think I’ll just leave it indeterminate for now…y’know, keep up the mystery and all.
  
  Feb 11, 2010 at 5:55 pm rating: 0
- #9.16 dave
  
  I wish I knew my words held this much power over you guys! Did I express my dislike towards pop culture references or touched the wasp’s nest with a live torch?
  Park rose: What I meant by that direct quote was: by putting that note, note writer was defying her parents by ultimately not succeeding in making any friends. I did not say anything about my parents though. I just expressed note writer’s thoughts in first person. she does not want to be friends with them because may be they are assholes(yeah I assumed but I was trying to come up the reason why is she does not want to be friends with dorm mates. because with a request like that who would make friends ever?) so it never crossed my mind that you were saying what you clarified.
  and I never referenced good will hunting, I just said what ever I wanted to say. May be my words hit too close to one of conversation in the movie or something? I have not watched it so I would not know.
  I certainly will join the fun. I don’t have a beef with you either or else I would not have said my bad.
  and anglophile and all other posters if you are too quick to take offences then be my guest.
  
  Feb 11, 2010 at 6:15 pm rating: 2
- #9.17 dave
  
  ty
  I fell asleep when I reached about third paragraph. so can’t reply to you right now.
  sorry about that. I will try again tomorrow morning with my coffee in my hand alright?
  
  Feb 11, 2010 at 6:27 pm rating: 1
- #9.18 infant tyrone
  
  Welcome to the party then.
  It’s not a quote or anything, just something I heard from some bloke.
  
  If one train leaves the station at 8:00 AM at 50 MPH,
  45 minutes before a second train leaves at 62.5 MPH,
  then why are they partying in the computer room?
  
  Feb 11, 2010 at 6:34 pm rating: 0
- #9.19 Beth
  
  umm… Daves 4 Life!
  
  Feb 13, 2010 at 7:17 pm rating: 6
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#10 bug

the worst thing about this note is that there is no appropriate response. let’s say someone was actually tripped into wanting to make friends with note writer….the attempt is already doomed becuz note writer knows they’re only after their delicious multitudes of chocolate.

Feb 10, 2010 at 4:05 pm rating: 3

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- #10.1 infant tyrone
  
  But for those willing to think “outside the box of chocolates“, there is a perfectly appropriate and equitable response.
  
  A person reading this note can contact the writer and propose to supply the relevant (subject to negotiation) recreational chemicals* if
  the writer supplies an appropriate amount of chocolate for dessert.
  
  *These could run the gamut from milk to coffee to OTC and/or prescription medicines to even medical or non-medical marijuana.
  
  In a co-ed dorm or on a campus where word travels quickly, this could lead to two wallflowers, if not getting into the large-scale social life of the establishment, at least getting into the same bag of “potting soil”.
  
  Feb 10, 2010 at 4:29 pm rating: 4
- #10.2 bug
  
  had some phenomenal ‘shroom chocolates a while back that were, in retrospect, quite possibly the result of just such a scenario.
  
  Feb 10, 2010 at 4:54 pm rating: 1
- #10.3 infant tyrone
  
  Check my #1.2 from yesterday (Tooth Fairy note).
  
  I’ve never heard of chocolate ‘shrooms, but maybe there’s a market for, oh, something on the order of chocolate frogs with added bufotenine.
  
  Maybe they could supplant chocolate bunnies at Easter-time for the “cool kids”. Hey Peeps™ are just marshmallow chicks…WTF not, huh ?
  
  You could market it with the tag line, “Why not get a Peep at reality through Mr. Toad’s eyes ?”
  
  I mean, if you’re selling a Schedule 1, Class A chemical, are you really worried about what the legal department of Just Born is going to say ?
  
  Hope you and your Significant Tooth got off and then got it on.
  
  Feb 10, 2010 at 6:33 pm rating: 1
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#11 farcical aquatic ceremony

um…yeah.
that loud THWOCK sound was me hitting that “ball” way the f*ck out of MY court, ya weirdo.

Feb 10, 2010 at 4:07 pm rating: 8

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- #11.1 Kelly
  
  Ow! My ball!
  
  Feb 11, 2010 at 12:23 am rating: 4
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#12 Shona

This note is clearly a screening process, ensuring only other weirdos need apply.

Feb 10, 2010 at 4:39 pm rating: 8

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- #12.1 FeRD
  
  You’re just bitter because you didn’t make the cut.
  
  …Hmm. Or is it because you DID?
  
  Feb 10, 2010 at 5:31 pm rating: 1
- #12.2 park rose
  
  Mmmm, bitter chocolate…
  
  Feb 10, 2010 at 5:59 pm rating: 5
- #12.3 infant tyrone
  
  I doubt this will do anything except get spit out by Heisa, but we’ll try…
  
  She [Mrs. Quoad] brings out from behind its cretonne camouflage a
  great bowl of candies. “_Now_,” beaming at Slothrop. “Here: wine
  jellies. They’re prewar.”
  “Now I remember you — the one with the graft at the Ministry of
  Supply!” but he knows, from last time, that no gallantry can help him
  now. After that visit he wrote home to Nalline: “The English are
  kind of weird when it comes to the way things taste, Mom. They aren’t
  like us. It might be the climate. They go for things we would never
  dream of. Sometimes it is enough to turn your stomach, boy. The
  other day I had one of these things they call ‘wine jellies.’ That’s
  their idea of _candy_, Mom! Figure out a way to feed some to that
  Hitler ‘n’ I betcha the war’d be over _tomorrow_!” Now once again he
  finds himself checking out these ruddy gelatin objects, nodding, he
  hopes amiably, at Mrs. Quoad. They have the names of different wines
  within on them in bas-relief.
  “Just a touch of menthol too,” Mrs. Quoad popping one into her
  mouth. “Delicious.”
  Slothrop finally chooses one that says Lafitte Rothschild and
  stuffs it on into his kisser. “Oh yeah. Yeah. Mmm. It’s great.”
  “If you _really_ want something peculiar try the Bernkastler
  Doktor. Oh! Aren’t you the one who brought me those lovely American
  slimy elm things, maple-tasting with a touch of sassafras –”
  “Slippery elm. Jeepers I’m sorry, I ran out yesterday.”
  Darlene comes in with a steaming pot and three cups on a tray.
  “What’s that?” Slothrop a little quickly, here.
  “You don’t really want to know, Tyrone.”
  “Quite right,” after the first sip, wishing she’d used more lime
  juice or something to kill the basic taste, which is ghastly-bitter.
  These people are really insane. No sugar, natch. He reaches in the
  candy bowl, comes up with a black, ribbed licorice drop. It looks
  safe. But just as he’s biting in, Darlene gives him, and it, a
  peculiar look, great timing this girl, sez, “Oh, I thought we got rid
  of all _those_ –” a blithe, Gilbert & Sullivan ingenue’s _thewse_ —
  “_years_ ago,” at which point Slothrop is encountering this dribbling
  liquid center, which tastes like mayonnaise and orange peels.
  “You’ve taken the last of my Marmalade Surprises!” cries Mrs.
  Quoad, having now with conjuror’s speed prodeuced an egg-shaped
  confection of pastel green, studded all over with lavender nonpareils.
  “Just for that I shan’t let you hace any of these marvelous rhubarb
  creams.” Into her mouth it goes, the whole thing.
  “Serves me right,” Slothrop, wondering just what he means by this,
  sipping herb tea to remove the taste of the mayonnaise candy — oops
  but that’s a mistake, right, here’s his mouth filling once again with
  horrible alkaloid desolation, all the way back to the soft palate
  where it digs in. Darlene, pure Nightingale compassion, is handing
  him a hard red candy, molded like a stylized raspberry… mm, which
  oddly enough even tastes like a raspberry, though it can’t begin to
  take away the bitterness. Impatiently, he bites into it, and in the
  act knows, fucking idiot, he’s been had once more, there comes pouring
  out onto his tongue the most godawful crystalline concentration of
  Jeez it must be pure nitric acid, “Oh mercy that’s really _sour_,”
  hardly able to get the words out he’s so puckered up, exactly the sort
  of thing Hop Harrigan used to pull to get Tank Tinker to quit playing
  his ocarina, a shabby trick and twice as reprehensible coming from an
  old lady who’s supposed to be one of our Allies, shit he can’t even
  _see_ it’s up his nose and whatever it is it won’t dissolve, just goes
  on torturing his shriveling tongue and crunches like ground glass
  among his molars. Mrs. Quoad is meantime busy savoring, bite by
  dainty bite, a cherry-quinine petit four. She beams at the young
  people across the candy bowl. Slothrop, forgetting, reaches again for
  his tea. There is no graceful way out of this now. Darlene has
  brought a couple-three more candy jars down off the shelf, and now he
  goes plunging, like a journey to the center of some small, hostile,
  planet, into an enourmous bonbon _chomp_ through the mantle of
  chocolate to a strongly eucalyptus-flavored fondant, finally into a
  core of some very tough grape gum arabic. He fingernails a piece of
  this out from between his teeth and stares at it for a while. It is
  purple in color.
  “Now you’re getting the idea!” Mrs. Quoad waving at him a marbled
  conglomerate of ginger root, butterscotch, and aniseed, “you see, you
  also have to enjoy the way it _looks_. Why are Americans so
  impulsive?”
  “Well,” mumbling, “usually we don’t get any more complicated than
  Hershey bars, see…”
  “Oh try _this_,” hollers Darlene, clutching her throat and swaying
  against him.
  “Gosh, it must really be something,” doubtfully taking this
  nasty-looking brownish novelty, an exact quarter-scale replica of a
  Mills-type hand grenade, lever, pin and everything, one of a series of
  patriotic candies put out before sugar was quite so scarce, also
  including, he notices, peering into the jar, a .455 Webley cartridge
  of green and pink striped taffy, a six-ton earthquake bomb of some
  silver-flecked blue gelatin, and a licorice bazooka.
  “Go on then,” Darlene actually taking his hand with the candy in it
  and trying to shove it into his mouth.
  “Was just, you know, looking at it, the way Mrs. Quoad suggested.”
  “And no fair squeezing it, Tyrone.”
  Under its tamarind glaze, the Mills bomb turns out to be luscious
  pepsin-flavored nougat, chock-full of tangy candied cubeb berries, and
  a chewy camphor-gum center. It is unspeakably awful. Slothrop’s head
  begins to reel with camphor fumes, his eyes are running, his tongue’s
  a hopeless holocaust. Cubeb? He used to _smoke_ that stuff.
  “Poisoned…” he is able to croak.
  “Show a little backbone,” advises Mrs. Quoad.
  “Yes,” Darlene through tongue-softened sheets of caramel, “don’t
  you know there’s a war on? Here now love, open your mouth.”
  Through the tears he can’t see it too well, but he can hear Mrs.
  Quoad across the table going “Yum, yum, yum,” and Darlene giggling.
  It is enormous and soft, like a marshmallow, but somehow — unless
  something is now going seriously wrong with his brain — it tastes
  like gin. “Wha’s ‘is,” he inquires thickly.
  “A gin marshmallow,” sez Mrs. Quoad.
  “Awww…”
  “Oh that’s nothing, have one of _these_ –” his teeth, in some
  perverse reflex, crunching now through a hard sour gooseberry shell
  into a wet spurting unpleasantness of, he hopes it’s tapioca, little
  glutinous chunks of something all saturated with powdered cloves.
  “More tea?” Darlene suggests. Slothrop is coughing violently,
  having inhaled some of that clove filling.
  “Nasty cough,” Mrs. Quoad offering a tin of that least believable
  of English coughdrops, the Meggezone. “Darlene, the tea is lovely, I
  can feel my scurvy going away, really I can.”
  The Meggezone is like being belted in the head with a Swiss Alp.
  Menthol icicles immediately begin to grow from the roof of Slothrop’s
  mouth. Polar bears seek toenail-holds up the freezing frosty-grape
  alveolar clusters in his lungs. It hurts his teeth too much to
  breathe, even through his nose, even, necktie loosened, with his nose
  down inside the neck of his olive-drab T-shirt. Benzoin vapors seep
  into his brain. His head floats in a halo of ice.
  
  Known as The Disgusting English Candy Scene of Gravity’s Rainbow
  
  Feb 10, 2010 at 6:41 pm rating: 6
- #12.4 Gavin
  
  Maybe this will be featured as quote of the day. It’s pithy enough
  
  Feb 11, 2010 at 7:49 am rating: 10
- #12.5 infant tyrone
  
  Prob’ly never happen.
  Sexy porcupines ad would get pushed off the page + revenues plummet.
  But considering ‘pith’ can be the central part of something, like the ghastly and gooey middle of the candies above, it’s an honor to be nominated.
  I’ll be sure to tell Tom the next time we’re out for pizza + beer.
  
  Feb 11, 2010 at 8:24 am rating: 0
- #12.6 Janey
  
  Does anyone ever read these long posts?
  
  Feb 11, 2010 at 8:29 am rating: 7
- #12.7 infant tyrone
  
  No, not really…
  
  Six and eighty-six year olds just thumb them because they’re impressed by the cyber-wizardry of cutting and pasting such a large chunk of text.
  
  If they get in the way of your latest plan to achieve total world domination, feel free to scroll past them. If you don’t have a scrolling mouse, feel free to trade in whatever number of teeth you think the Tooth Fairy will need in order to give you the requisite cash to buy one.
  
  Feb 11, 2010 at 10:34 am rating: 2
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#13 Resident Grammarian esq

Sure I’ll be your friend. But woe unto you if that chocolate isn’t fantastic – nothing lower than Cadbury.

Feb 10, 2010 at 5:25 pm rating: 2

reply to this comment
- #13.1 FeRD
  
  Yeah, it better be fucking del… oh, screw it.
  
  Feb 10, 2010 at 5:33 pm rating: 4
- #13.2 park rose
  
  Ah, look, RGe… someone has chocolate, I’m in! ~~Or maybe they’re in me~~. What I mean to say is, ~~I’m easy~~. ~~I’m anyone’s~~, my name is park rose and I’m a chocoholic.
  
  Feb 10, 2010 at 6:02 pm rating: 5
- #13.3 infant tyrone
  
  Hey, keep coming back to the meetings, rose.
  It’s nothing personal…it’s all just chemicals.
  You’re responding to theobromine and tyramine, that’s all.
  Nothing to be ashamed of for any of us.
  I know I could quit anytime but for the childhood trauma and all.
  I’ll be back, but I gotta meet a dude named Reese.
  
  P.S. What size batteries go in that electric Toblerrone ?
  
  Feb 10, 2010 at 6:48 pm rating: 4
- #13.4 Kelly
  
  I also cannot live without sweet, sweet chocohol.
  
  Feb 11, 2010 at 12:24 am rating: 2
- #13.5 MaybeItWasTheRoses
  
  Mmmmm. Cadbury. After six months in the US, you could probably buy my friendship for a Dairy Milk bar.
  
  Feb 11, 2010 at 7:28 am rating: 1
- #13.6 JMonkey78
  
  Well I am in the states and I happen to have in my hand, right here, a Dairy Milk bar. Uhmmmm! But the price is higher than friendship. I am talking about your undying soul? Any takers?
  
  Feb 11, 2010 at 12:02 pm rating: 2
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#14 park rose

Ammended and placed in more apt position (maybe). Sorry and thank you, thumb person.

Feb 10, 2010 at 6:06 pm rating: 1

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#15 nico

Chocolate’s pretty cheap – definitely not worth hanging out with a creepy weirdo for. He’d have better luck with booze – or better yet, drugs.
Ug, this is the saddest note I’ve ever seen…

Feb 10, 2010 at 6:10 pm rating: 3

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#16 Hillary

I thought this note was quite clever because it ensured that only those who have similar senses of humor to the note-writer would show up. The people who reacted with something along the lines of “ew, freak” are probably not the sort the writer would like to be friends with, anyway.

Feb 10, 2010 at 6:12 pm rating: 16

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- #16.1 infant tyrone
  
  Prescient meta-analysis, Hillary.
  You must wow the Profs.
  So, do you like dark, milk, or white chocolate the best ?
  I’ve got all those and more back at my place just off campus.
  C’mon take a little walk with me…
  
  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=siv9Nh0W1xc
  
  Feb 10, 2010 at 6:55 pm rating: 3
- #16.2 Connie
  
  Alternatively, she’ll just end up with all future diabetic friends.
  
  Feb 10, 2010 at 8:00 pm rating: 2
- #16.3 kr
  
  I agree with you. This note did not indicate that the writer thought of him/her self as a loser. It was a commentary on her/his parents–something the person thought other students could identify with. (-:
  
  Feb 11, 2010 at 9:27 am rating: 3
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#17 Pterosaur

This isn’t first grade, where you make friends because Mommy brought cupcakes for the class.

You want friends? Buy a keg and host a LAN party (science-tech majors), Band Hero tournament (liberal arts majors), or orgy (political science majors).

Feb 10, 2010 at 7:53 pm rating: 5

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- #17.1 Palomon
  
  …or toga party (classics majors).
  
  Feb 10, 2010 at 8:21 pm rating: 8
- #17.2 JMonkey78
  
  Status Update: JMonkey78 is now interested in Political Science. He presumes to switch majors shortly.
  
  Feb 11, 2010 at 12:03 pm rating: 3
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#18 Palomon

did it occur to anyone that the note was written ironically? Or as a goof? Perhaps to a floor of people he was already friendly with?

I want to believe that. I really want to.

Feb 10, 2010 at 8:20 pm rating: 18

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- #18.1 ari
  
  nope. i live there. i remember this. she meant it.
  
  Feb 10, 2010 at 8:53 pm rating: 4
- #18.2 Palomon
  
  C’mon, ari, let me have my small delusions.
  
  Feb 10, 2010 at 11:00 pm rating: 2
- #18.3 Alex
  
  That’s really awkward…what did you do? (My guess would be, “sped up a little whenever passing by her room, and assiduously avoided eye contact in the even of a face-to-face meeting.” I mean, what else *can* you do?)
  
  Feb 10, 2010 at 11:12 pm rating: 2
- #18.4 Palomon
  
  Eat the hell outta some chocolate.
  
  Feb 10, 2010 at 11:52 pm rating: 4
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#19 Canthz_B

I don’t think lots of chocolate works as a friend gathering strategy.
Not unless you’re partial to Oompa Loompas.

Feb 10, 2010 at 9:01 pm rating: 7

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- #19.1 park rose
  
  Maybe she doesn’t want a lot of friends. It was all the pants’ idea, after all.
  
  Feb 10, 2010 at 10:07 pm rating: 6
- #19.2 Mark
  
  “These carrots taste musky.”
  
  Feb 11, 2010 at 10:10 am rating: 4
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#20 appleecho

I want to make a joke but I actually feel bad for the kid. Shit, I am in unfamiliarly territory.

Feb 10, 2010 at 9:23 pm rating: 5

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#21 aaa

a) There’s nothing wrong with being an introvert.
b) Aren’t you supposed to be making your own decisions and not relying on your parents’ opinions by the time you get to college?
c) The ball’s still in your court. Being more social requires you being more social, and this isn’t it.
d) I don’t want your molester chocolate.

Feb 10, 2010 at 10:27 pm rating: 6

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- #21.1 Canthz_B
  
  I thought that, with the cost of college today, they don’t start making their own decisions until after the parents’ check for the final semester clears.
  
  After that, fuck ‘em!
  
  Feb 10, 2010 at 11:24 pm rating: 5
- #21.2 ptrish990033
  
  I wish I’d had my parents money giving me a free ride through college. I would have let them make every decision for me!
  
  Feb 10, 2010 at 11:52 pm rating: 0
- #21.3 aaa
  
  What you do is drain their bank account, then smack them upside the head so they don’t remember and blame it on online identity thieves. Then you can proceed to treat them like utter crap and buy subscriptions to porn sites to enjoy with your Real Doll.
  
  Feb 11, 2010 at 12:00 am rating: 1
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#22 Canthz_B

That note won’t bring in many potential friends.

Now, if you get some peanut butter in that chocolate (or put that chocolate on some peanut butter), it may work.

If (s)he builds it, they will come.

Feb 10, 2010 at 11:43 pm rating: 1

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- #22.1 aaa
  
  I can only see her ploy working if she had dark chocolate. Or a more expensive milk chocolate. If she just has fun size Halloween leftovers or a bunch of Hershey bars, there’s no way in hell she’ll ever make any new friends.
  
  Feb 11, 2010 at 12:31 am rating: 1
- #22.2 Pterosaur
  
  That shit had better be imported organic free-trade gourmet recipe to stand a chance. I wouldn’t accept Hershey if it was wrapped in $10 bills.
  
  Feb 11, 2010 at 11:11 am rating: 3
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#23 Desperate Dan

How the fuck do her parents know how un-social she is being? Grades too high?

This will sound so wrong, but meh… From her handwriting, I would guess she is Asian, ergo Asian parents — controlling much? It is at least refreshing that they want her to socialize MORE…

Feb 10, 2010 at 11:52 pm rating: 1

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- #23.1 Canthz_B
  
  Taking your assumptions at face value, maybe “her” parents just “did the math”.
  
  Feb 11, 2010 at 12:04 am rating: 4
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#24 DogBitez

That’s a funny kid. I like him/her. And someone with a smartass sense of humor like that probably has plenty of friends and/or doesn’t need a huge crowd around them. I think Mom and Dad need to get a hobby.

Feb 11, 2010 at 9:47 am rating: 4

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- #24.1 infant tyrone
  
  Recreational sex might be a good hobby for them…
  as long as they don’t mix it up with procreational…
  
  Feb 11, 2010 at 10:36 am rating: 3
- #24.2 caroline
  
  dogbitez, i lived across the hall from the writer last year…when this note was up. it wasn’t a joke. it was completely legit.
  
  Feb 11, 2010 at 11:36 am rating: 1
- #24.3 JMonkey78
  
  Maybe there was something else that she had to “Offer” that could have brought in more “friends”. If you know what I mean?
  
  Feb 11, 2010 at 12:15 pm rating: 0
- #24.4 Bunnee
  
  Well, c’mon Caroline! Details, please. Especially about the note writer and the state of his/her pants.
  
  Feb 11, 2010 at 12:42 pm rating: 2
- #24.5 eve
  
  i also lived with this person, believe me. she does not wear pants.
  
  Feb 11, 2010 at 3:14 pm rating: 1
- #24.6 park rose
  
  Well neither did you until you got chased out of the garden, eve.
  
  Feb 12, 2010 at 9:58 pm rating: 4
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#25 laurie

You can’t just stop at the offer! Imagine if your standard pedophile did that!

“Hey…hey kid. I’ve got some candy. You know, if you want. Ball’s in your court now! Whatever…”

Feb 11, 2010 at 11:20 am rating: 3

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#26 N/A

This is how you everyone makes friends in dorms, this person is just being a little uncomfortably open about it. We used to decide which room we were going to hang out in based on what snacks they had. Failing that we’d go to the person with a loaf of bread and access to a relatively clean kitchen with a toaster.

Feb 11, 2010 at 12:04 pm rating: 3

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#27 JMonkey78

Maybe “Chocolate” is code for something else. Now that might be.

Feb 11, 2010 at 12:16 pm rating: 2

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- #27.1 infant tyrone
  
  There aren’t any nine-letter words for recreational substances are there?
  
  Feb 11, 2010 at 1:12 pm rating: 0
- #27.2 Mark
  
  Mescaline
  Marijuana
  Snow Crash
  
  Feb 11, 2010 at 1:39 pm rating: 3
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#28 caroline

eve, you made me lol.

bunnee, i don’t know how much else there is to say lol. everyone’s like “no, the writer was being a smartass and has a good sense of humor! i’d want to be friends with them!” and all of this is just not true. she just didn’t want to make the effort of actually trying to make friends and put it on us to take the next step…..through this note….which made it awkward.

Feb 11, 2010 at 10:03 pm rating: 2

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#29 jvon

I’m not sure I see the problem here.

They said they had chocolate, right?

Go eat the chocolate and STFU.

Feb 12, 2010 at 12:17 am rating: 5

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#30 Max Time

chocolates dark chocolate, thats the catch D:

Feb 12, 2010 at 9:25 am rating: 0

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#31 Your Facebook friends: just not that into you. | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com

[...] Socializing (you’re doing it wrong) [...]

Mar 22, 2010 at 8:29 pm rating: 0

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