“This was posted after the author cleaned the house which consisted entirely of her own mess,” says our anonymous submitter in the U.K.
Of course, when you live with multiple roommates, it’s always somebody else’s mess. (Or should I say…I’ts?)
![Hi Guys Look, you might find this note kinda Impertenant [sic] cos I don't engage in house-cleaning very often, but that is because I clean up after myself as I go! Plus I have a full time job so I'm too damn tierd [sic] of an evening to worry about other peoples mess, but lately I'ts [sic] become such a state that I've spent a couple of evenings: neatening the kitchen, taking out copious amounts of garbage, wiping down the work surfaces, and clearing the party debris out of the living room! the point of this note is to say that I WILL NOT be washing the mountin [sic] of dishes!](http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4033/4387182465_5d996d2636_b.jpg "Hi Guys Look, you might find this note kinda Impertenant [sic] cos I don't engage in house-cleaning very often, but that is because I clean up after myself as I go! Plus I have a full time job so I'm too damn tierd [sic] of an evening to worry about other peoples mess, but lately I'ts [sic] become such a state that I've spent a couple of evenings: neatening the kitchen, taking out copious amounts of garbage, wiping down the work surfaces, and clearing the party debris out of the living room! the point of this note is to say that I WILL NOT be washing the mountin [sic] of dishes!")
related: May the sanctity of the sink prevail!
110 responses so far ↓
#1
Alex T. Valencic
Did Niki say that she and Mike were being evicted for being untidy? And then she’s lecturing the others for the mess? Is she the pot or the kettle in this event?
Mar 1, 2010 at 3:37 pm rating: 36
#2
Mo®
♪ Wha’ts going on? ♬
Mar 1, 2010 at 3:38 pm rating: 0
#3
cd
Well I am sure she is just tierd of all the mountin of messes and wants to bring out the sledge hamer.
Mar 1, 2010 at 3:46 pm rating: 15
#4
Fridge Pirate
The rubbish in comunal areas was fucking delicious!
Mar 1, 2010 at 3:47 pm rating: 9
#5
claw71
Ah, you have to love the ‘clean-as-I-go’ people. They’re always exempt from the general household chores because they never leave behind a mess. Well let me ask you a few questions little Miss As-I-go: Do you wipe down the windows everytime you opt to breathe? Since each breath increases the humdity of the room, dirt is more likely to stick to the windows. That dirt, by the way, is kicked up by foot traffic. Unless you have a Roomba sweeping a path in front of you, I think you might be contributing to that.
Then there’s dust, 75% of which can be human skin. Are you meticulously exfoliating underwater every day? If not, you might be genetically linked to the dust.
Look, it’s great if you don’t leave your panties hanging on the towel rack and even better if you run the Insinkerator when you dump your taco salad down the drain, but the last time I checked you’re still a disgusting human being who lives in a house. Shut up and run the Dyson every other week and don’t bitch about it when you’re done.
Mar 1, 2010 at 3:53 pm rating: 106
#6
Tim Kolb
Is NiKi and variations to that name common in the UK? I know several English friends with similiar names such as Nicy, Nicky, Nikky, etc…
Mar 1, 2010 at 3:57 pm rating: 1
#7
QuarterRoy00
I engaged in a “big clean” last night and my colon feels great!
Mar 1, 2010 at 3:58 pm rating: 37
#8
matty-wat
Wow! Nice use of the word copious.
Love to you all,
Matty-wat
X X X
Mar 1, 2010 at 4:01 pm rating: 3
#9
thrall
So much verbal garbage just to say, “Do your own damn dishes!” Or should I say “danm disehes?”
Mar 1, 2010 at 4:01 pm rating: 16
#10
Jennifer
Fuck you Niki.
Mar 1, 2010 at 4:20 pm rating: 12
#11
Al
Truly disgusting, with a capital ‘T’.
Mar 1, 2010 at 4:38 pm rating: 3
#12
beth
I bet Mike was really happy to be Niki’s co-perfect-pants-clean-as-you-go-ers. This note: it’s too much! It’s a thick forest of dysfunction! Niki (Nike?)! STOP! NOW! No more notes, no more spelling. I’m so dam teird!
Mar 1, 2010 at 4:45 pm rating: 7
#13
Meg
wow… I’m a bad speller, but even that was bad. I don’t think I can take it seriously if every other word is misspelled.
Mar 1, 2010 at 5:04 pm rating: 3
#14
pony girl
That is some weird-ass notebook paper. How long must her notebook be?
Mar 1, 2010 at 5:04 pm rating: 31
#15
Tea_and_mixtapes
When I saw the note I could have sworn it was my old house mate…She’d engage in the big clean now and then, and then brag about it. Well done, do you want a fucking medal?
Just hoover once a week and stop leaving used sanitary towels on the end of the bath.
Tim Kolb – Niki and variations there-of are usually derived from names like Nicola. Which for some reason parents fucking loved in the 80′s.
Mar 1, 2010 at 5:06 pm rating: 1
#16
zenvelo
ahhh, La Femme Nikita decides to speak with a pen, not a gun. She’s too busy cleaning up human detritus as she goes, not in one big sweep. She’s tired of taking out the human garbage…
Mar 1, 2010 at 5:18 pm rating: 2
#17
president_benson
It’s so long! It’s like the Star Wars prologue of passive aggressive notes.
Mar 1, 2010 at 5:43 pm rating: 63
#18
Andrizzle
I don’t understand how she can use a word like “copious” yet she can’t spell “it’s” correctly. It just doe’snt make sense!
Mar 1, 2010 at 5:48 pm rating: 25
#19
nasoccermom
where the hell did she get a six hole punch?
Mar 1, 2010 at 6:11 pm rating: 6
#20
chrys
I’m intrigued by the party debris.
Mar 1, 2010 at 6:50 pm rating: 2
#21
claw71
Anybody remember Prince and his raunchy “Darling Nikki” ballad?
I knew a girl named Niki
guess you could say she was a note fiend
She wouldn’t do the fucking dishes
because the mountain was just obscene
I said, I’ll just hang it on Mike
but I found I was amiss
when I read little Niki’s whine.
Also, B-side bonus, same artist but you name the tune:
I was annoyed when I wrote this
so sue me if kills a tree.
But I’m a ‘little cleaner’
and big cleans aren’t for me
I could go on. Peter Gabriel’s “Sledgehammer” comes to mind. In all honesty this note should have been posted in chapters.
Mar 1, 2010 at 7:26 pm rating: 5
#22
ME
That’s really long paper….
Mar 1, 2010 at 7:39 pm rating: 1
#23
Amanda
The roommate situation makes her seem in her late teens or twenties, but her handwriting makes her seem like a six year old.
Mar 1, 2010 at 7:57 pm rating: 5
#24
Critical Grass
Anyone who writes a not as long as this one can’t call themselves subtle. You’re not subtle, Niki!
Mar 1, 2010 at 9:08 pm rating: 2
#25
Gun Street Girl
When I had roommates that bitched about cleaning even though most of the mess was theirs, I was always tempted to take the dishes/clothes/beer bottles of theirs I found in communal space and dump them on the offending party’s bed. Sure, the friendship would be over, but it would be SO satisfying.
Mar 1, 2010 at 9:12 pm rating: 4
#26
Lisa
My two best friends and I shared an apartment with a guy in college who was a slob. Didn’t clean as he went, and certainly never did the big cleans either. So we plotted to consistently do our own dishes as soon as they were dirtied and wait to see how many of his dishes accumulated in the sink before he got around to doing them.
We had to start washing our dishes in the bathroom because we ran out of room in the kitchen sink.
Then… THEN! He had the nerve to bitch, when the mess has spread halfway across the kitchen counter (though admittedly the counter was quite small) that NOBODY was doing dishes!! He didn’t like us very much when we revealed our evil plot.
But at least he did the dishes.
Mar 1, 2010 at 9:31 pm rating: 25
#27
Pterosaur
You might find this comment kinda impertenant, but your spelling just gave me a seizure.
Mar 1, 2010 at 9:36 pm rating: 7
#28
snatchbeast
While I appreciate the usage of BIG WORDS, like impertinent and copious, the poor spelling and grammar make me wonder how she manages to tie shoes. Or breathe.
Mar 2, 2010 at 2:59 am rating: 5
#29
matt
hmmm.
“wiping down” the “work surfaces”
I’d be interested to know what these ‘work surfaces’ are and what kind of ‘mess’ is on them ; )
Mar 2, 2010 at 7:00 am rating: 0
#30
orinoco womble
I just wonder what that “full time job” is. If it is cleaning hotel rooms, I will laugh myself sick. Or indeed elementary teech’ing.
She reminds me of a foreign student I knew…whenever the subject of cleaning her shared apartment came up, she’d say “I didn’t come here to do that.” Apparently she didn’t come here to replace the food she stole from other people’s shelves in the shared fridge and cupboards, either. Or to do her own laundry. Or to clean up the bathroom after she had spent 2 hours doing a major makeover in there.
I love the fact that the irony of her own note is lost on Niki. She and her squeeze are being evicted for untidyness by the landlady, but SHE is not to blame for the mess. “Clean as you go” in her lexicon means “clean what I feel like, when I feel like it.”
But since she didn’t come here to clean…
Mar 2, 2010 at 7:22 am rating: 3
#31
Steven
I don’t see anything wrong with this letter, why are you posting this?
Mar 2, 2010 at 7:36 am rating: 0
#32
Gavin
Dear Niki,
I got a bit confused, and wasn’t sure what category group I fall under, please could you draw me a spider diagram so I can carry out my designated response,
Ta
Mar 2, 2010 at 7:46 am rating: 2
#33
GhostWriter
This note proves my theory. Some people have a fixed amount of knowledge space in their brains.
Exhibit A: Niki – When she started reviewing her SAT vocabulary flash cards, she picked up “Copious” and “Debris” but lost “Mountain” and “Communal.”
Getting into the right college is tricky these days. I’ve seen girls sacrifice all their memories of Lost and True Blood, just for a chance at Bryn Mawr.
Mar 2, 2010 at 8:29 am rating: 9
#34
Escape Goat
I’m loving the “X X X” at the end of the note. They looked scratched in–witch kisses, I cam ‘em.
Mar 2, 2010 at 8:36 am rating: 0
#35
Q
TL;DR.
My eyes bled out due to that shitty note. I particularly like how she had a thesaurus next to her yet not a dictionary.
Mar 2, 2010 at 9:50 am rating: 5
#36
Clumber
I triple-dog-dare anyone in that house to post a note next to this one on some scrap of paper with a red sharpie :
“Blah, blah, blah – Niki’s on the rag again.”
Mar 2, 2010 at 10:06 am rating: 6
#37
Edwina the Defrocked Nun
The best response to this note is no response at all. Then Niki can stew in her own juices, wondering what everybody’s thinking, or indeed if they pay any attention to her at all.
Mar 2, 2010 at 12:53 pm rating: 1
#38
TacoSpice
Does anyone else simply tear up notes like this? My old roommate used to try this type of nonsense and I would throw his notes away before anyone else read them. Wicked fun.
Mar 2, 2010 at 12:57 pm rating: 2
#39
oh really
As I was reading this, I was thinking, “this is exactly like my old college roommate, always acting like the gigantic messes she made or outrageous phone bills she ran up were other people’s responsibility, and like it was a generous act on her part to clean those messes or pay those bills.” Then, I got to the end, and saw the same spelling of Niki as my old roommate. Now, I can’t help wondering if she’s move to the UK to make life hell for people overseas for a while. If so, I hope the guys in the UK have a good medical plan, because I’m pretty sure she’s storing a petri dish in her knickers. While she was fond of the boys, she wasn’t so fond of protection.
Mar 2, 2010 at 2:23 pm rating: 6
#40
H for Toy
Also, for the record. Team PAN commenters! I’ve been lurking for a little while – catching up on some of the older posts. The notes are funny, but the comments are even better! Thanks for all the times you’ve caused liquid to squirt out my nose. You’re the best!
Mar 2, 2010 at 2:26 pm rating: 5
#41
T.U.M.
I certainly HOPE nobody’s going to be mountin’ the dishes.
Mar 2, 2010 at 2:52 pm rating: 5
#42
Woman on the Verge
I would totally love to comment, but my eyes are still bleeding from the spelling and grammar.
Mar 2, 2010 at 4:23 pm rating: 2
#43
Hallie
I think you might like this, it relates to the site a lot haha:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5FCWq6-WxHA
Mar 2, 2010 at 5:11 pm rating: 0
#44
A.G.S
Frankly I am more amazed at the sheer length of that piece of paper. Where do you find hole-punched sheets that long? Its the kind of astonishment I normally associate with clowns shoes or those giant souvenir pencils. Just great.
Mar 2, 2010 at 5:16 pm rating: 2
#45
wtf
That woman is FUCKING insane … I speak from experience
Mar 2, 2010 at 5:44 pm rating: 3
#46
aaa
Feelings are for pussies. Niki, stop having feelings and learn how to spell correctly. I mean, goddamn, you live in the birthplace of the English language and have no idea how to use it properly. I would cry a bit for the state society is in, but, you know…
Mar 2, 2010 at 6:40 pm rating: 1
#47
Rose
Now I want to use ‘neatening’ in everyday speech.
Mar 2, 2010 at 7:59 pm rating: 2
#48
Suzanne
She can spell “copious” right but she can’t spell “mountain” among so many others. Uhhhh, okay.
Mar 3, 2010 at 11:48 am rating: 1
#49
Fanboy Wife
Good thing she’s moving!
Mar 3, 2010 at 5:51 pm rating: 1
#50
Max Time
hey Niki write smaller letters! If i was the dude that saw that i would’nt read it especially cause around the time I would see it I would be all tired cause it would be the morning so I’d maybe have a hangover or somethin so I’d just be like “woah somebodies famous!! hahah fan mail FTW” and then go along my day passing along that dusty trail
Mar 9, 2010 at 8:42 am rating: 0
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