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Your Facebook friends: just not that into you.

March 7th, 2010 · 72 comments

Facebook: always there to remind you of all the fun you’re not having.

Christina hates not getting invited to anything anymore. Is it because I'm married? (no, it's because you are married to a prick.)

Meg wants to get out of the house and do something fun. I wish my friends hadn't disappeared when I got pregnant.

it's great that everyone has more important things to do than come to my wedding - i guess you find out who really cares about you...

Not all of them...obviously

related: Socializing (you’re doing it wrong)

FILED UNDER: Facebook · frenemies · preggers · weddings and bridezillas

72 responses so far ↓

  • #1   kewlito

    Extra points for the last one, it’s using the pirate language.

    Mar 7, 2010 at 6:48 pm   rating: 58  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Quinn

      Gotta love FB. :p

      Mar 8, 2010 at 2:56 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #1.2   undrline

      I can’t believe I just spent time looking up how to do that. Arrr.

      Mar 9, 2010 at 3:45 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

  • #2   ClearlyDemented

    So do we think Blacked-Out-Face alienated everyone with her bridezilla attitude during the months before the wedding or just invited everyone she’s ever known in the hopes of looking popular and/or getting lots of gifts?

    Mar 7, 2010 at 7:05 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Kat bang

      I also wonder if Pixel-prego was constantly whining about how pregnancy is haaaarrrrd, and talking about her mucous plug and how she pees so much now that she’s up the duff. Either that or just constant “I used to think like you, but now that I’m a MOMMY…..etc.”
      Large groups of friends don’t just ditch you “because you’re pregnant”. They ditch you when you start acting obnoxious/otherwise unpleasant to be around and use pregnancy as an excuse.

      Mar 7, 2010 at 7:21 pm   rating: 89  small thumbs up

    • #2.2   JuliaJolie

      Don’t forget those people who expect congratulations for it being some kind of achievement.

      Mar 7, 2010 at 7:26 pm   rating: 52  small thumbs up

    • #2.3   VentureSister

      Wow, I could have gone my whole life without knowing what a ‘mucous plug’ is.

      Mar 8, 2010 at 1:57 am   rating: 21  small thumbs up

    • #2.4   pony girl

      I don’t want to know.
      I don’t.
      I’m not going to ask.
      What in the name of god is a mucous plug ?

      Mar 8, 2010 at 3:16 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #2.5   Amanda

      Re: Kat

      feast your eyes… or just get angry. I do both when I read this on a regular basis:

      Mar 8, 2010 at 10:09 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #2.6   Mo® bang

      Seriously New parents and newlyweds, don’t want!

      Mar 8, 2010 at 10:23 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #2.7   clumber

      Hon, really… you’d rather go get totally pissed drunk. I know what it is purely from being in dogs, and even in dogs it is a disgusting term to know. I prefer to know nothing whatsoever about the bodily functions of my friends, family, acquaintances, or other humans.

      Seriously, retire to your PonyStall with a nice flask of Vodka and some loud PonyTunes.

      Mar 8, 2010 at 10:42 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #2.8   pony girl

      clumber (2.7)

      ;) Any excuse for Tito’s vodka is fine by me!

      Mar 8, 2010 at 11:18 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #2.9   snatchbeast

      I was hit in the head by a mucus plug when I worked with pregnant drug addicted teens a while back. Not fun.

      Mar 8, 2010 at 12:07 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #2.10   LordOfThePants

      I think I have my new band name. Although the question is, does Mucus Plug get one umlaut or two?

      Mar 8, 2010 at 1:09 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #2.11   Woman on the Verge bang

      One umlaut. Two is so last season.

      Mar 8, 2010 at 1:15 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #2.12   Woman on the Verge bang

      I’m pretty sure her friends scattered so as to be unavailable for paternity testing when the little bugger is born. She may have taking “friending” to a whole new level.

      Mar 8, 2010 at 1:19 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #2.13   Mo® bang

      Mucoüs Plüg!
      Schleimhaut Stecker!
      Limainen Laajennuksen!

      Mar 8, 2010 at 1:52 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #2.14   pope suburban

      Submitter here, and it was the attitude. That and how she’d consistently missed every major events in the lives of our friends for about three years, and couldn’t stop rubbing her trust-fund money in everyone’s face. But directly connected to the wedding, you’re right about the Bridezilla bit.

      Mar 8, 2010 at 3:08 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #2.15   matt

      #2.2 yeh. being a guy, i dont really get the whole sentimental baby thing. To me its just a fussing/screaming blob of meat getting squeezed out of someone’s vag.

      Mar 9, 2010 at 5:56 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #2.16   Ninny

      @Mo®: it would be übercool to use the accurate Finnish translation for ‘mucus plug’: ‘limatulppa’.

      OMFSM. I think I just icked myself out! Ick! Ick!!

      Mar 12, 2010 at 12:31 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #3   Joyful

    Dear Married and Pregnant People,

    Yes, you are no longer invited, as you are now boring.

    Sincerely, Everyone

    Mar 7, 2010 at 7:07 pm   rating: 94  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   JuliaJolie

      I’m married! But neither of us are those kind of inseparable, morphed “we” people. Except in the context of us both not being alike. Sort of.

      Mar 7, 2010 at 7:27 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #3.2   TheOldSchool

      Christina: we’d appreciate it if you didn’t carry the prick around with you in your purse. It’s gross.

      Mar 8, 2010 at 3:17 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #3.3   apedant bang

      Christina’s friend FTW.

      Mar 8, 2010 at 9:27 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

  • #4   FeRD

    I’d make a clever and insightful observation about this post, but what’s the point? None of my Facebook friends ever visit to read the articles, when I invite them. So who’s going to see what I write, or be impressed by my observations?

    Guess you find out who your real Facebook friends are, when you share a link to anything other than adorable kitty pictures! :(

    Mar 7, 2010 at 7:27 pm   rating: 50  small thumbs up

  • #5   Brigitte

    Arggg…. such is life, matey.

    Mar 7, 2010 at 7:28 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   TheOldSchool

      You know you’re repellent when your imaginary friends make excuses not to hang out with you.

      Mar 8, 2010 at 3:05 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #5.2   clumber

      TOS, thumbing just didn’t feel like enough, so adding a ♣ too.

      Mar 8, 2010 at 10:44 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #6   Sydney

    This is why I avoid Facebook like the plague.
    It really brings out everyone’s inner jackass.

    Mar 7, 2010 at 9:24 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   Kat bang

      You’d rather NOT know that your RL friends are whiny insecure douchebags? Wait, what?

      Mar 7, 2010 at 9:26 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #6.2   Mel K

      It’s all about ratio and i am sure that there is some clever physics or chemistry law that supports my theory that in real life you may have 50 friends and ten of them are dicks- but usually that is because they are partnered with or sharing a house with someone extremely cool. One tolerates them because the party wouldn’t be the same without the extremely cool half of the pair. The dicks are avoidable.

      The problem with FB is that the ratio gets heavily weighted towards dicks. There isn’t a way to keep the admittance ratio. One can’t avoid them knowing too much and being overly familiar. this is why I don’t FB.

      I like/need to be more private with myself.

      Mar 7, 2010 at 11:36 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #6.3   farcical aquatic ceremony

      I’m with you–it’s way too messy to keyboard and be private with myself at the same time.

      Mar 8, 2010 at 8:30 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #6.4   apedant bang

      @ Kat 6.1
      I’m comfortable with the fact that all of my friends can be whiny, insecure douchebags at times, just as I can too. I’m even capable of putting up with them when they act like this around me. What I don’t need is these moments sent minute by minute to my email inbox. And I’m sure they’re relieved not to get mine. That’s why I don’t Facebook.

      Mar 8, 2010 at 9:25 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #6.5   JuliaJolie

      I thought that was Twitter that did that.

      Mar 8, 2010 at 9:58 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #6.6   clumber

      Perhaps ape meant the increasingly popular term FaceSpaceTer ?

      Mar 8, 2010 at 10:46 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #6.7   Mike

      Sounds like the hours of disturb are happening… :-0

      Mar 8, 2010 at 3:32 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #7   farcical aquatic ceremony

    They didn’t “disappear”, they slid screaming down your gullet when you had one of your crazy pregnant woman cravings.

    Mar 7, 2010 at 9:27 pm   rating: 27  small thumbs up

  • #8   matt

    It’s great that everybody has more important things to do than visit me in hospital after my triple heart bipass surgery instead of organising their own fucking wedding.
    I guess you were too involved trying to find your skanky bridesmaids on facebook instead. Good day to you ma’m.

    Mar 8, 2010 at 2:34 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

  • #9   TheOldSchool

    Look. Everyone occasionally needs to get out of the house and have a brief chat with a real life human being.

    That’s why McDonalds invented their drive-thru windows.

    Mar 8, 2010 at 3:15 am   rating: 31  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   Q

      Nah, drive thrus were invented to lessen the number of steps between you and food. Less steps mean less exercise; less exercise means more fat, more fat means you eat more!

      Mar 8, 2010 at 10:52 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #9.2   TheOldSchool


      Maybe the time is right to bring back full service gas stations. It is such an inconvenience to have to get out of the car seat and take those three or four steps to the pump.

      Better yet, these attendants could pump predigested food directly in our gullets.

      Why should we expend valuable energy chewing?

      Obviously, the pumps would click off automatically when we were full.

      When we gett too fat to squeeze between the seat and the steering wheel, we could drive to Jify Lube for a quick liposuction. $39.99.

      Mar 8, 2010 at 3:19 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #9.3   anglophile bang

      True story: a gas station near my house pumps gas for “ladies” and senior citizens Tues-Saturday, 8-5 pm.

      It makes my usual pretty laid-back self all militant feminist.

      Mar 8, 2010 at 3:44 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #9.4   Maas

      Not just woman, but also drag queens?

      Mar 8, 2010 at 5:01 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #9.5   TheOldSchool

      Glo, I hope you’re not one of those people who says, “true story,” just to reel in the “normally-skeptical-but-will-still-bite-when-someone-prefaces-the-remark-with-’true story’” fish.

      I don’t know where you live, but I do know that in most of the places I’ve lived, there’s no way a business would survive for long with such a policy (especially regarding the “ladies”).


      Mar 8, 2010 at 9:42 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #9.6   anglophile bang

      True story, TOS: I live in Wisconsin.

      I usually start my stories out like this: “Dear Penthouse, you’re never going to believe this happened, but it really did.”

      Mar 8, 2010 at 9:44 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #9.7   park rose bang

      I’d go there. I like someone who can handle my pumping. One on one service is kind of appealing; beats self-service most days, especially in the hands of a master.

      Mar 8, 2010 at 9:49 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #9.8   anglophile bang

      Not me, I don’t trust anyone but myself to pump right. Especially if they’re going to call me a “lady”.

      Mar 8, 2010 at 9:57 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #9.9   park rose bang

      You mean, “Fill me up, and fill me up good, just make sure you talk dirty, baby,” would be okay? Nicely complemented/supplemented with , “And would you mind checking my oil, while you’re at it?”, of course.

      The Grease Monkey and the Lady *could* run parallels with the Prince and the Showgirl.

      Mar 8, 2010 at 10:13 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #9.10   molly ringwald

      i live in jersey… we have no choice but to have someone pump our gas. hence the phrase, “we don’t pump our gas, we pump our fists.” don’t judge us by our worst specimens. okay, you can….

      Mar 10, 2010 at 2:56 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #9.11   Z

      omg that’s hilarious. Sounds like my Jersey family. I wish someone would pump my gas! I hate when I’m all dolled up and have to get out, have men look. Feel dumb, pray I don’t get gas on me…

      Mar 10, 2010 at 3:34 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #10   Hmm...

    Who doesn’t love a great game of friendship monopoly?

    Mar 8, 2010 at 8:32 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #11   Max Time bang

    maybe if they had beer at their wedding people would have a good excuse to go.

    Mar 8, 2010 at 9:01 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #12   Zorin

    I think I lost a friendship because I couldn’t fly clear across the country to be at their wedding. I initially thought I’d be able to, but then finances got tight.

    Mysteriously the friendship fell apart almost at the same time the wedding happened.

    Jeez, just because I don’t go into debt to spend $600 to come see you get married doesn’t mean I don’t care. Especially when I was spending nearly every weekend with both of you and we had tons of fun prior!

    Mar 8, 2010 at 9:57 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

  • #13   laurie

    $10 says they all play FarmVille.

    Mar 8, 2010 at 11:07 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

  • #14   aloria

    I have the opposite problem; all my friends are marrieds, and apparently having an odd number of people at a social outing will cause the earth to open up and swallow all the partygoers.

    Mar 8, 2010 at 11:57 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

  • #15   Nicole

    PAN Confessional time!

    I ducked out of a wedding at the last second because I just couldn’t make myself do it. I talked myself up for weeks and I really was going to go and I was dressed and everything but I just hated the groom SO MUCH. And then I realized that if she really wanted to tie herself to him perpetually I didn’t want to be a part of it. And it was probably one of the things I am most guilty of, of all the terrible things I’ve ever done.

    I hear I wasn’t the only one.

    It’s not like we were really good friends or anything but yeah =/ DON’T MARRY JERKS. Then your wedding will have more guests.

    Mar 8, 2010 at 12:02 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   Pterosaur

      Don’t feel guilty, Nicole. Married to asshole = asshole by proxy. You did the right thing.

      Did you at least send a passive-aggressive empty money card? We got a few empties in our money card box at our wedding.

      I’m still not sure if I’m the asshole or the proxy. Maybe both?

      Mar 8, 2010 at 1:01 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #15.2   Palomon bang

      Nicole! I was wondering where you went.

      Christina misses you.

      Mar 8, 2010 at 11:37 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #16   snatchbeast

    How does one have fun with a pregnant chick? Have her buy the drinks?

    Mar 8, 2010 at 12:02 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   Pterosaur

      You can play the preggers drinking game. Take a drink every time she mentions nipple sensitivity, maximum bladder capacity, or the dreaded “plug.” Double shots if she makes you feel the baby “kicks.” Chug if she whips out the ultrasound photos.

      No worries, you’ve got a guaranteed designated driver right there.

      Mar 8, 2010 at 1:11 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #16.2   Mel K

      Thank you. Will try this weekend. Can’t believe I didn’t think of this before.

      Mar 9, 2010 at 12:56 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #17   RP

    Christina’s friend clearly wins at…everything.

    Mar 8, 2010 at 12:22 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #18   Jill Terwilliger

    Maybe pregnant ladies wouldn’t expect people to be interested if so many pawsy “ladies” didn’t try to molest bellies and readily invite information about the gross bits of it.
    <Was so glad when this "vessel" was finally deboarded.

    Mar 8, 2010 at 2:34 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   Nicole

      I am always horrified when I see total strangers approach a pregnant friend with hands outstretched. Since when is it your god-given right to grope my friend’s belly?

      Mar 8, 2010 at 2:43 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

  • #19   Fanboy Wife

    Maybe some of M’s girls didn’t show up for the festivities because they knew she would just spend the night updating her facebook account instead of socializing.

    Mar 8, 2010 at 6:47 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #20   Geek_Kittie

    Part of me finds this kind of amusing, while a part of me finds it kind of embarrassing. I have to admit I’ve done this a couple of times in the past. Granted, I was far more prone to psychotic break downs back then.

    Mar 9, 2010 at 8:54 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #21   Nicole

    Er. Palomon I must have accidentally stolen someone’s username because I’ve only posted here once.

    Mar 9, 2010 at 7:07 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #22   wfa

    Pregnancy, forever changes the way you bore people.

    Mar 10, 2010 at 7:10 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #23   Max Time bang

    i think maybe if you werent such a attention whore people would goto your wedding instead of their usual hang out at a small bar. What has it been only a day since you all hung out, give them a break they got their own life, agenda, problems, and actual other real friends who might have more important weddings or FUNNER things to do then see your vegas wedding with elvis, and besides yall just get shit faced drunk and suck on some random guys dick for three hours.

    Mar 10, 2010 at 8:46 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #24   Toya

    All 4 of those people seem to be under the false belief that they are more important than everyone else because they’re prgnant, married, or social butterfly. I see status updates like these on fb all the time. It’s like “Geez. Do these people have anything to talk about other than their kids, their significant other, their wedding, etc?”

    Mar 13, 2010 at 5:17 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #25   Boo-freakin'-hoo | — funny (if not necessarily "passive-aggressive") notes from pissed-off people

    [...] related: Your Facebook friends…just not that into you. [...]

    Apr 11, 2010 at 8:01 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #26   What your Facebook “friends” are all secretly thinking about your whiny status updates. |

    [...] it just takes true frenemy to actually say it [...]

    Dec 18, 2010 at 1:29 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up


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