Facebook: always there to remind you of all the fun you’re not having.
related: Socializing (you’re doing it wrong)
FILED UNDER: Facebook · frenemies · preggers · weddings and bridezillas
Extra points for the last one, it’s using the pirate language.
Mar 7, 2010 at 6:48 pm rating: 56
Gotta love FB. :p
Mar 8, 2010 at 2:56 pm rating: 2
I can’t believe I just spent time looking up how to do that. Arrr.
Mar 9, 2010 at 3:45 pm rating: 8
So do we think Blacked-Out-Face alienated everyone with her bridezilla attitude during the months before the wedding or just invited everyone she’s ever known in the hopes of looking popular and/or getting lots of gifts?
Mar 7, 2010 at 7:05 pm rating: 20
I also wonder if Pixel-prego was constantly whining about how pregnancy is haaaarrrrd, and talking about her mucous plug and how she pees so much now that she’s up the duff. Either that or just constant “I used to think like you, but now that I’m a MOMMY…..etc.”
Large groups of friends don’t just ditch you “because you’re pregnant”. They ditch you when you start acting obnoxious/otherwise unpleasant to be around and use pregnancy as an excuse.
Mar 7, 2010 at 7:21 pm rating: 86
Don’t forget those people who expect congratulations for it being some kind of achievement.
Mar 7, 2010 at 7:26 pm rating: 50
Wow, I could have gone my whole life without knowing what a ‘mucous plug’ is.
Mar 8, 2010 at 1:57 am rating: 19
I don’t want to know.
I’m not going to ask.
What in the name of god is a mucous plug ?
Mar 8, 2010 at 3:16 am rating: 10
feast your eyes… or just get angry. I do both when I read this on a regular basis: http://stfuparents.tumblr.com/
Mar 8, 2010 at 10:09 am rating: 3
Seriously New parents and newlyweds, don’t want!
Mar 8, 2010 at 10:23 am rating: 9
Hon, really… you’d rather go get totally pissed drunk. I know what it is purely from being in dogs, and even in dogs it is a disgusting term to know. I prefer to know nothing whatsoever about the bodily functions of my friends, family, acquaintances, or other humans.
Seriously, retire to your PonyStall with a nice flask of Vodka and some loud PonyTunes.
Mar 8, 2010 at 10:42 am rating: 1
Any excuse for Tito’s vodka is fine by me!
Mar 8, 2010 at 11:18 am rating: 4
I was hit in the head by a mucus plug when I worked with pregnant drug addicted teens a while back. Not fun.
Mar 8, 2010 at 12:07 pm rating: 2
I think I have my new band name. Although the question is, does Mucus Plug get one umlaut or two?
Mar 8, 2010 at 1:09 pm rating: 7
Woman on the Verge
One umlaut. Two is so last season.
Mar 8, 2010 at 1:15 pm rating: 9
Woman on the Verge
I’m pretty sure her friends scattered so as to be unavailable for paternity testing when the little bugger is born. She may have taking “friending” to a whole new level.
Mar 8, 2010 at 1:19 pm rating: 4
Mar 8, 2010 at 1:52 pm rating: 3
Submitter here, and it was the attitude. That and how she’d consistently missed every major events in the lives of our friends for about three years, and couldn’t stop rubbing her trust-fund money in everyone’s face. But directly connected to the wedding, you’re right about the Bridezilla bit.
Mar 8, 2010 at 3:08 pm rating: 18
#2.2 yeh. being a guy, i dont really get the whole sentimental baby thing. To me its just a fussing/screaming blob of meat getting squeezed out of someone’s vag.
Mar 9, 2010 at 5:56 am rating: 6
@Mo®: it would be übercool to use the accurate Finnish translation for ‘mucus plug’: ‘limatulppa’.
OMFSM. I think I just icked myself out! Ick! Ick!!
Mar 12, 2010 at 12:31 am rating: 0
Dear Married and Pregnant People,
Yes, you are no longer invited, as you are now boring.
Mar 7, 2010 at 7:07 pm rating: 93
I’m married! But neither of us are those kind of inseparable, morphed “we” people. Except in the context of us both not being alike. Sort of.
Mar 7, 2010 at 7:27 pm rating: 3
Christina: we’d appreciate it if you didn’t carry the prick around with you in your purse. It’s gross.
Mar 8, 2010 at 3:17 am rating: 7
Christina’s friend FTW.
Mar 8, 2010 at 9:27 am rating: 14
I’d make a clever and insightful observation about this post, but what’s the point? None of my Facebook friends ever visit passive-aggressivenotes.com to read the articles, when I invite them. So who’s going to see what I write, or be impressed by my observations?
Guess you find out who your real Facebook friends are, when you share a link to anything other than adorable kitty pictures!
Mar 7, 2010 at 7:27 pm rating: 50
Arggg…. such is life, matey.
Mar 7, 2010 at 7:28 pm rating: 9
You know you’re repellent when your imaginary friends make excuses not to hang out with you.
Mar 8, 2010 at 3:05 am rating: 14
TOS, thumbing just didn’t feel like enough, so adding a ♣ too.
Mar 8, 2010 at 10:44 am rating: 2
This is why I avoid Facebook like the plague.
It really brings out everyone’s inner jackass.
Mar 7, 2010 at 9:24 pm rating: 8
You’d rather NOT know that your RL friends are whiny insecure douchebags? Wait, what?
Mar 7, 2010 at 9:26 pm rating: 5
It’s all about ratio and i am sure that there is some clever physics or chemistry law that supports my theory that in real life you may have 50 friends and ten of them are dicks- but usually that is because they are partnered with or sharing a house with someone extremely cool. One tolerates them because the party wouldn’t be the same without the extremely cool half of the pair. The dicks are avoidable.
The problem with FB is that the ratio gets heavily weighted towards dicks. There isn’t a way to keep the admittance ratio. One can’t avoid them knowing too much and being overly familiar. this is why I don’t FB.
I like/need to be more private with myself.
Mar 7, 2010 at 11:36 pm rating: 7
farcical aquatic ceremony
I’m with you–it’s way too messy to keyboard and be private with myself at the same time.
Mar 8, 2010 at 8:30 am rating: 18
@ Kat 6.1
I’m comfortable with the fact that all of my friends can be whiny, insecure douchebags at times, just as I can too. I’m even capable of putting up with them when they act like this around me. What I don’t need is these moments sent minute by minute to my email inbox. And I’m sure they’re relieved not to get mine. That’s why I don’t Facebook.
Mar 8, 2010 at 9:25 am rating: 5
I thought that was Twitter that did that.
Mar 8, 2010 at 9:58 am rating: 3
Perhaps ape meant the increasingly popular term FaceSpaceTer ?
Mar 8, 2010 at 10:46 am rating: 0
Sounds like the hours of disturb are happening… :-0
Mar 8, 2010 at 3:32 pm rating: 6
farcical aquatic ceremony
They didn’t “disappear”, they slid screaming down your gullet when you had one of your crazy pregnant woman cravings.
Mar 7, 2010 at 9:27 pm rating: 26
It’s great that everybody has more important things to do than visit me in hospital after my triple heart bipass surgery instead of organising their own fucking wedding.
I guess you were too involved trying to find your skanky bridesmaids on facebook instead. Good day to you ma’m.
Mar 8, 2010 at 2:34 am rating: 11
Look. Everyone occasionally needs to get out of the house and have a brief chat with a real life human being.
That’s why McDonalds invented their drive-thru windows.
Mar 8, 2010 at 3:15 am rating: 31
Nah, drive thrus were invented to lessen the number of steps between you and food. Less steps mean less exercise; less exercise means more fat, more fat means you eat more!
Mar 8, 2010 at 10:52 am rating: 2
Maybe the time is right to bring back full service gas stations. It is such an inconvenience to have to get out of the car seat and take those three or four steps to the pump.
Better yet, these attendants could pump predigested food directly in our gullets.
Why should we expend valuable energy chewing?
Obviously, the pumps would click off automatically when we were full.
When we gett too fat to squeeze between the seat and the steering wheel, we could drive to Jify Lube for a quick liposuction. $39.99.
Mar 8, 2010 at 3:19 pm rating: 2
True story: a gas station near my house pumps gas for “ladies” and senior citizens Tues-Saturday, 8-5 pm.
It makes my usual pretty laid-back self all militant feminist.
Mar 8, 2010 at 3:44 pm rating: 5
Not just woman, but also drag queens?
Mar 8, 2010 at 5:01 pm rating: 6
Glo, I hope you’re not one of those people who says, “true story,” just to reel in the “normally-skeptical-but-will-still-bite-when-someone-prefaces-the-remark-with-’true story’” fish.
I don’t know where you live, but I do know that in most of the places I’ve lived, there’s no way a business would survive for long with such a policy (especially regarding the “ladies”).
Mar 8, 2010 at 9:42 pm rating: 2
True story, TOS: I live in Wisconsin.
I usually start my stories out like this: “Dear Penthouse, you’re never going to believe this happened, but it really did.”
Mar 8, 2010 at 9:44 pm rating: 6
I’d go there. I like someone who can handle my pumping. One on one service is kind of appealing; beats self-service most days, especially in the hands of a master.
Mar 8, 2010 at 9:49 pm rating: 3
Not me, I don’t trust anyone but myself to pump right. Especially if they’re going to call me a “lady”.
Mar 8, 2010 at 9:57 pm rating: 2
You mean, “Fill me up, and fill me up good, just make sure you talk dirty, baby,” would be okay? Nicely complemented/supplemented with , “And would you mind checking my oil, while you’re at it?”, of course.
The Grease Monkey and the Lady *could* run parallels with the Prince and the Showgirl.
Mar 8, 2010 at 10:13 pm rating: 0
i live in jersey… we have no choice but to have someone pump our gas. hence the phrase, “we don’t pump our gas, we pump our fists.” don’t judge us by our worst specimens. okay, you can….
Mar 10, 2010 at 2:56 pm rating: 0
omg that’s hilarious. Sounds like my Jersey family. I wish someone would pump my gas! I hate when I’m all dolled up and have to get out, have men look. Feel dumb, pray I don’t get gas on me…
Mar 10, 2010 at 3:34 pm rating: 0
Who doesn’t love a great game of friendship monopoly?
Mar 8, 2010 at 8:32 am rating: 2
maybe if they had beer at their wedding people would have a good excuse to go.
Mar 8, 2010 at 9:01 am rating: 1
I think I lost a friendship because I couldn’t fly clear across the country to be at their wedding. I initially thought I’d be able to, but then finances got tight.
Mysteriously the friendship fell apart almost at the same time the wedding happened.
Jeez, just because I don’t go into debt to spend $600 to come see you get married doesn’t mean I don’t care. Especially when I was spending nearly every weekend with both of you and we had tons of fun prior!
Mar 8, 2010 at 9:57 am rating: 17
$10 says they all play FarmVille.
Mar 8, 2010 at 11:07 am rating: 20
I have the opposite problem; all my friends are marrieds, and apparently having an odd number of people at a social outing will cause the earth to open up and swallow all the partygoers.
Mar 8, 2010 at 11:57 am rating: 20
PAN Confessional time!
I ducked out of a wedding at the last second because I just couldn’t make myself do it. I talked myself up for weeks and I really was going to go and I was dressed and everything but I just hated the groom SO MUCH. And then I realized that if she really wanted to tie herself to him perpetually I didn’t want to be a part of it. And it was probably one of the things I am most guilty of, of all the terrible things I’ve ever done.
I hear I wasn’t the only one.
It’s not like we were really good friends or anything but yeah =/ DON’T MARRY JERKS. Then your wedding will have more guests.
Mar 8, 2010 at 12:02 pm rating: 17
Don’t feel guilty, Nicole. Married to asshole = asshole by proxy. You did the right thing.
Did you at least send a passive-aggressive empty money card? We got a few empties in our money card box at our wedding.
I’m still not sure if I’m the asshole or the proxy. Maybe both?
Mar 8, 2010 at 1:01 pm rating: 8
Nicole! I was wondering where you went.
Christina misses you.
Mar 8, 2010 at 11:37 pm rating: 0
How does one have fun with a pregnant chick? Have her buy the drinks?
Mar 8, 2010 at 12:02 pm rating: 7
You can play the preggers drinking game. Take a drink every time she mentions nipple sensitivity, maximum bladder capacity, or the dreaded “plug.” Double shots if she makes you feel the baby “kicks.” Chug if she whips out the ultrasound photos.
No worries, you’ve got a guaranteed designated driver right there.
Mar 8, 2010 at 1:11 pm rating: 14
Thank you. Will try this weekend. Can’t believe I didn’t think of this before.
Mar 9, 2010 at 12:56 am rating: 0
Christina’s friend clearly wins at…everything.
Mar 8, 2010 at 12:22 pm rating: 4
Maybe pregnant ladies wouldn’t expect people to be interested if so many pawsy “ladies” didn’t try to molest bellies and readily invite information about the gross bits of it.
<Was so glad when this "vessel" was finally deboarded.
Mar 8, 2010 at 2:34 pm rating: 11
I am always horrified when I see total strangers approach a pregnant friend with hands outstretched. Since when is it your god-given right to grope my friend’s belly?
Mar 8, 2010 at 2:43 pm rating: 10
Maybe some of M’s girls didn’t show up for the festivities because they knew she would just spend the night updating her facebook account instead of socializing.
Mar 8, 2010 at 6:47 pm rating: 3
Part of me finds this kind of amusing, while a part of me finds it kind of embarrassing. I have to admit I’ve done this a couple of times in the past. Granted, I was far more prone to psychotic break downs back then.
Mar 9, 2010 at 8:54 am rating: 0
Er. Palomon I must have accidentally stolen someone’s username because I’ve only posted here once.
Mar 9, 2010 at 7:07 pm rating: 0
Pregnancy, forever changes the way you bore people.
Mar 10, 2010 at 7:10 am rating: 6
i think maybe if you werent such a attention whore people would goto your wedding instead of their usual hang out at a small bar. What has it been only a day since you all hung out, give them a break they got their own life, agenda, problems, and actual other real friends who might have more important weddings or FUNNER things to do then see your vegas wedding with elvis, and besides yall just get shit faced drunk and suck on some random guys dick for three hours.
Mar 10, 2010 at 8:46 am rating: 0
All 4 of those people seem to be under the false belief that they are more important than everyone else because they’re prgnant, married, or social butterfly. I see status updates like these on fb all the time. It’s like “Geez. Do these people have anything to talk about other than their kids, their significant other, their wedding, etc?”
Mar 13, 2010 at 5:17 pm rating: 0
Boo-freakin'-hoo | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com — funny (if not necessarily "passive-aggressive") notes from pissed-off people
[...] related: Your Facebook friends…just not that into you. [...]
Apr 11, 2010 at 8:01 pm rating: 1
What your Facebook “friends” are all secretly thinking about your whiny status updates. | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com
[...] it just takes true frenemy to actually say it [...]
Dec 18, 2010 at 1:29 pm rating: 0
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