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And you wonder why we don’t visit more often…

March 8th, 2010 · 63 comments

Grandmothers live for thank you notes — receiving them, writing them, not-so-subtly inquiring whether one might be forthcoming.

Jennifer in Michigan received this gracious note of thanks after a Christmas visit to her Grandma. Cue the violins, please…

C & J - Thank you so much for the jam and fattening nuts - Which I like - Always nice to see you ONCE A YEAR. My gosh C is still so handsome - Guess we don't see you enough to have anything to visit about.   Love Always Your Grandma

(If you can’t read Grandma cursive, just mouse over the note for a transcription.)

related: Really, Mom, you shouldn’t have

FILED UNDER: Christmas · family · Grandma · guilt trip · Michigan · thanks (but not really)

63 responses so far ↓

  • #1   The Great Joe Bivins

    This could be very easily innuendized, but I don’t work blue.

    Mar 8, 2010 at 11:49 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   TheOldSchool


      I couldn’t see any references to anything that could be construed in a sexual way, and I wondered what it was that caused you to say what you said.

      Then I saw it: “My gash.”

      Look, Joe. When old ladies are nibbling on someone’s nuts, their throats get a little dry and they tend to drink more than usual. When they’re drunk, geriatrics frequently reference their vaginas, and fantasize about it getting pounded into wanton submission by their grand-daughters young stud muffin.

      Still, Joe, I don’t see how this could be twisted into something x-rated.

      Mar 9, 2010 at 2:44 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #1.2   claw71 bang

      I’m just thinking about where grandma wants me to jam my fat nuts.

      Mar 9, 2010 at 8:57 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

  • #2   Andrizzle

    I couldn’t read that at all.

    Mar 8, 2010 at 11:52 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   tinkerbell2

      ..which is why at the end it says ‘mouse over the note for a transcript…

      Mar 9, 2010 at 6:54 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #2.2   matt bang

      try working for a doctor or someone with medical training, i have seen some medical orders at work that i could have sworn were written in arabic until someone decoded it for me

      Mar 9, 2010 at 7:26 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #2.3   matty-wat

      Why is it that all Grandma handwriting is eerily the same? I think there is a thank-you-note-writing conspiracy.

      Mar 9, 2010 at 7:52 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #2.4   oh really

      I think I’m going to have to pay close attention to my Mom’s handwriting (her only grandkid is 7, and she’s still in her 50′s) and see if I can pinpoint the age where it transforms from her normal handwriting to the standardized Grandma script.

      Mar 9, 2010 at 11:58 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #2.5   Pterosaur

      “Grandma Cursive” is standard senior issue, along with bologna sandwiches, mothballs, card games, and the Early Bird Special at Country Kitchen Buffet. I think it all comes in the AARP welcome packet.

      Mar 9, 2010 at 2:31 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #2.6   Fiona

      I’ve come to the conclusion that people are slowly losing the ability to read cursive.

      Mar 17, 2010 at 1:19 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #3   not gen anything

    Once a year might be too often, Grandma, since we’re running out of things to talk about.

    Mar 8, 2010 at 11:55 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Ethnic Avenue

      I think grandma’s theory is that more visits will result in more material to talk about.

      It’s like this: “remember that cake you brought me last week? It gave me gas something awful.”

      Mar 9, 2010 at 12:43 am   rating: 31  small thumbs up

    • #3.2   Pterosaur

      Ethnic, thumbs +1000! That is so Grandma. I’m all nostalgic for my own gassy Granny now…

      Mar 9, 2010 at 2:13 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #4   Fridge Pirate

    Your jam and fattening nuts for Grandma were fucking delicious!

    Mar 8, 2010 at 11:55 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   park rose bang

      At first, I thought it was flattering nuts. Maybe that’s even more p.a. Just what is she trying to say about her kin?

      Mar 9, 2010 at 12:17 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #4.2   TheOldSchool

      Thomas Jefferson said it best: “The bush of grandma’s liberty must be watered occasionally by the jam of their grand-daughter’s boyfriends.”

      Mar 9, 2010 at 3:03 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

  • #5   AmbulanceGirl

    It says:

    C & J- Thank you so much for the jam and fattening nuts- which I like. It’s always nice to see you once a year.
    My gosh C is still so handsome- Guess we don’t see you enough to have anything to visit about.
    Love Always,
    Your Grandma

    Real subtle, Grandma.

    Mar 8, 2010 at 11:58 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   sleeps

      Welcome to the Department of Redundancy Department.

      Mar 9, 2010 at 10:09 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #5.2   Mo® bang

      If I mouse over that will I get to see it in the spidery grandma cursive script?

      Mar 9, 2010 at 12:50 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

  • #6   Tim Kolb

    I know we don’t visit much but are we still in your will?

    Mar 8, 2010 at 11:59 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   Mel K

      Dear Grandma,

      Putting stickies with our names on the back of all the good stuff should take about 1.5 visits. Plenty to talk about.

      See you Saturday,
      C & J

      Mar 9, 2010 at 1:01 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #6.2   Pterosaur

      My Granny would put on the name labels herself, in her own bizarre form of morbid passive-aggression. Maybe she was hoping to spur on the fights over the good stuff before she died, so that she could enjoy the fun.

      Of course, it was mostly dusty knick-knacks covered in cat hair and mothball-stink.

      Mar 9, 2010 at 2:45 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #7   park rose bang

    Is the thank you pre-printed, or did grandma hand-stamp it? Maybe she’s got a system for her p.a.’ness. Two down, sixty more to go; hand me my stamp, would ya?

    Mar 9, 2010 at 12:19 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #8   Canthz_B bang

    Dear Grandma,

    Nuts aren’t fattening…they’re mostly protein, so feel free to swallow.

    C & J

    Mar 9, 2010 at 12:20 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #9   park rose bang

    Gosh, C is so handsome, but still a bit of a dumbwit. Guess he’s pretty to look at, but not much good at keeping up his side of the conversation. I hope he’s good in bed. Thank goodness once a year only comes around once. I don’t think I could have borne the mind-numbing dullness for much longer, and just think, I should have burned off all the calories from the fattening nuts just in time for the next visit. It will make for a good conversational gambit, don’t you think? Maybe you could brush C up on his legumes, and we could chat for hours.
    Love always,
    Your Grandma.
    Thank You.

    Mar 9, 2010 at 12:24 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #10   Critical Grass bang

    Dear Grandma,

    We came and we brought nuts. What more do you want?

    Love alwa… Meh! Why bother?

    Mar 9, 2010 at 12:53 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #11   TippingCows

    What the hell is wrong with people? Why even send notes like this? Old people don’t have an excuse, either. Someone break into her house and steal all of her Ben-gay.

    Mar 9, 2010 at 12:54 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

  • #12   Amstrad

    Glad this was posted, reminded me I was supposed to send flowers up for my Great-Grandmother’s 90th…

    Mar 9, 2010 at 1:02 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #13   Miss Laura

    Wow, I have no idea that my grandma had secret grandchildren named J&C that she never told us about. This handwriting looks almost just like hers, and I received many notes just like this over the years…that reminds me, I have a birthday card from her that I’ve been meaning to send in :)

    Mar 9, 2010 at 7:36 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   matty-wat

      I think we’re on to something Miss L. See PR’s response in #7 and my reply to Andrizzle in #2.3. There is something going on. I think that instead of meeting for quilting bees, Grandmas are now getting together to write passive-aggressive notes. They are having… Guilting Bees!

      Mar 9, 2010 at 8:07 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #13.2   anglophile bang

      They have competitions at the Guilting Bees, too. Like who has the oldest “recent” wallet pictures of the grandkids, who went the longest without a call from anyone, who got the fewest birthday cards. Prizes are variety packs of greeting cards.

      After Christmas they bring all their presents in and do a white elephant swap, just like we do with their presents. It’s full of digital picture frames, cell phones they’re never going to use, books with tiny print, and tins of nuts.

      Mar 9, 2010 at 8:29 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #13.3   claw71 bang

      I never got any presents from my grandmother that were worth swapping. She was on a “fixed income” and would generally wrap stuff up from around the house if she couldn’t find something in the dumpster behind Woolworth’s. A few years before we dumped that old bat in the nursing home she gave me my grandfather’s dentures for Christmas. Just the uppers, my brother got the lowers. She said we might be able to “grow into them.”

      Mar 9, 2010 at 9:02 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #13.4   TheOldSchool


      Thank you for putting quotation marks around “fixed income.” I loathe the term. It’s so demeaning to our seniors.

      I just can’t see the words: “fixed income,” and avoid the disturbing mental image of a hardcore junkie hitting himself up with smack while sitting in a acquarium filled with semen. (Thankfully, this image is somewhat blurred in my mind’s eye due to the translucent viscosity of man chowder.)

      Mar 9, 2010 at 7:46 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #13.5   Canthz_B bang

      My mom is on a “fixed income”, but I can’t figure it out.
      Her Social Security benefits went up again this year, and I didn’t get a raise at my job.

      Which of us is on a “fixed income” again? :???:

      Mar 9, 2010 at 9:37 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #14   matt bang

    my gosh C is so handsome
    ( I still remember his charming looks the day i convinced him to dump you and live with me)
    Thanks to my lovely cooking, C’s nuts have grown enormously and are tastier than ever.

    N.B your assasination attempt was unsuccessful you cow. i may have run through an entire insulin pen after having that jam, but i am still very much alive and kicking.
    xxoo From your everloving grandma

    Mar 9, 2010 at 7:38 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #15   matty-wat

    There’s no passive-aggression like Grandma’s passive-aggression. I love how she takes the time to write a thank you, but passive-aggressively can’t manage to address the note to their full names: Dear C & J, FU! Thx, G

    Mar 9, 2010 at 7:43 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   claw71 bang

      So you’re saying it’s a G thing?

      Mar 9, 2010 at 9:04 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #15.2   matty-wat

      That’s how they roll.

      Mar 9, 2010 at 9:24 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #15.3   park rose bang

      Spot on, Claw.

      Mar 9, 2010 at 10:10 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #15.4   Mo® bang

      She’s the OG in the P-Aizzle!

      Mar 9, 2010 at 12:54 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #15.5   Canthz_B bang

      Rose put her finger on it!!

      Mar 9, 2010 at 9:40 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #16   blu_canary

    Makes me miss my grandma. *sniff* No one did p.a. like grandma. She didn’t reserve hers just for notes, though. Notes, phone calls, in person. Come to think of it, I didn’t visit her much more than once a year, either.

    Mar 9, 2010 at 8:19 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #17   Max Time bang

    get some bread and then were talkin… ohhh yea!!!!
    some jam and FATTENING NUTS!!! SANDWICH fo yo mouth foo!

    Mar 9, 2010 at 8:34 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #18   Woman on the Verge bang

    Was Grandma expecting C to have gotten ugly? Why is he still so handsome?

    Mar 9, 2010 at 8:38 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   claw71 bang

      Your grandfather was handsome dear. I remember him back before he went off to war. He was like a young Clive Brooks. So dashing. I just wanted to sit on his face-without my bloomers.

      When he got back fromthe war, we just made love all the time. I still remember feeling his penis inside of me while I looked up at that gorgeous face.

      Then one day, probably after you were born, I remember looking at him and there he looked like Mickey Rooney. He was short, fat and orange. He smelled like farts and feet.

      So, yeah, I’m surprised that C is still so handsome. You two have been together for six years. You’re nearly 26, my dear and you’re not even married. I had four kids by the time I was your age. Of course, your grandfather was a sexual dynamo back then.

      Mar 9, 2010 at 9:27 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

  • #19   Woman on the Verge bang

    Dear Grandma,

    We see you every Sunday. Dementia is a bitch, ain’t it?



    Mar 9, 2010 at 8:39 am   rating: 27  small thumbs up

  • #20   laurie

    Grandma’s clearly a cougar who’s just bitter she can’t get C all to herself. Old tramp!

    Mar 9, 2010 at 8:45 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #21   claw71 bang

    Dear G:

    Stop fishing for compliments. We all know you spent our inheritance on lipo, implants and a butt lift because you’re a vain old whore.

    Love ,


    PS: If you ever slip my boyfriend a roofie and reverse cowgirl him again I will shoot you in the fac–with a gun, not the way C did when you finished gumming him.

    Mar 9, 2010 at 8:52 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

  • #22   claw71 bang

    A little Geto Boys:

    Damn it feels good be a grandma
    A real grandma ass biddy writes her cards right
    A real grandma ass biddy don’t spell names out
    cuz a grandma ass biddy keeps your nerves tight
    and a biddy’s always got a nice PAN
    so her grandkids can go and bitch about her
    and a grandma ass biddy don’t eat fatty nuts
    cuz a grandma ass biddy’s got a goiter
    and everything’s a slight in the mind of a grandma
    cause grandma ass biddies are sick
    scheming on your boyfriend 24/7
    cuz a grandma ass biddy likes some dick

    And all I gotta say to you money borrowing, college major changing, weird name spelling dramas
    when your hips goes out–you wet your pants, whatcha gonna do
    damn it feels good to be a grandma

    Mar 9, 2010 at 9:19 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #23   shwonline bang

    Dear Grandma,

    I’ve got your fattening nuts right here.


    Mar 9, 2010 at 10:22 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   Vintage_K bang

      Hey G!

      DEEZ Fattening NUTZ in yo’ mouth!


      Mar 9, 2010 at 11:29 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #24   Jill Terwilliger

    Man, this thread is getting increasingly nsfw :p

    Mar 9, 2010 at 11:47 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #25   oi bang

    story time kids. So this is my aunt/grandmother(as in not immediate grandma) she lives three towns over. She always asks me to call and drop by. last year the big festival rolled around and I tried to call her several times and left two voice messages. finally after like three months she calls me and starts with(no how are you nothing just) oh you give up too early I would have tried every evening if I were you! I am like huh! what!? (I dread talking to her because she has always some perceived mistake on my part and would drone on that mistake and how I could have avoided for billion years )
    She meant: even if I left two messages and tried calling her for a week, it was still my fault that she did not pick up the phone!

    Mar 9, 2010 at 12:14 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #26   oi bang

    oh here is another, one of her many, antics!
    when I first met her she asked me elaborate questions about my uncles and aunts and then she zeroed on one of my twin uncle’s whereabouts and stuff. I am like wow, she really really likes him! Then she asked me, in detail, about his wife’s family too. I am like whoa! I don’t know about her family! What’s up lady? out with it already.
    so after like 30-45 minutes of interrogation she revealed the purpose. She wanted to let me know that even though we (as in my uncle’s family) are closer in relations with her than the uncle’s wife family with her, she was not invited in uncle’s wedding from our side but from the uncle’s in law’s side!
    fun! yeah and this was about 20 years ago when I was a toddler and did not even know that she existed. she tried to guilt tripping me for my grand parents relations with her! I guess my grandparents knew her too well! ;)

    Mar 9, 2010 at 12:25 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   claw71 bang

      So you’re saying that your aunt and your grandmother had a threesome with your boyfriend?

      Mar 9, 2010 at 2:23 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #26.2   oi bang

      whoa! where did my boy friend come from? I would understand if you had said my uncle instead of my boy friend.

      Mar 9, 2010 at 3:27 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #26.3   oi bang

      damn you! that image is hard to bleach out.

      Mar 9, 2010 at 4:05 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #27   claw71 bang

    Army wit Harmony
    J, drop a load on ‘em

    Old P P, how can I explain it
    or maybe picture frame it
    to make you visualize grandma hittin it
    Old is your grandma
    P is for people–scratch your hair mole
    the last P well that’s not so simple
    it’s sort a like another way to say vagina
    except grandma’s plug ain’t quite a hymen.
    It’s kind dry, a little rough and you’d even call it dusty
    if she dribbles it can get musty

    You ever have dinner at her house and get to start a yawnin
    So she puts you on the couch turns up the heat and says she’ll see you in the mornin

    Your boyfriend’s straight, he’s still awake and he’s kicked back just chillin
    but your grandma’s got this look in her eye like she’s a sexual villain
    His pants are down, his thing is out and she’s on it like a junkie
    then she climbs on top and rides him out until he screams like a monkey.
    That’s Old P P– grandma’s snatch– and your man be cold hittin it
    And he’ll be back soon enough because there’s no way he’ll be quittin’ it
    How many boyfriends know exactly what I’m gettin at?
    You love the smell of Depends but no way you’re admitting that.
    But every visit you can’t wait until you’re sniffing it
    That’s Old P P, I know you like it but if you don’t here’s the menbership:

    Ya down with Old P P
    (Yeah you know me)
    Ya Down with Old P P
    (Oh yeah, baby)
    Who’s down with Old P P
    (Some cat named C)

    Mar 9, 2010 at 2:21 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   Mo® bang

      It ain’t her flapjacks that bring all the boys to the yard.

      Mar 9, 2010 at 2:48 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #28   stream of bat's piss

    Dear Grandma

    When you croak, would it be ok if I got your stereo?

    Love always


    Mar 9, 2010 at 7:38 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #29   Canthz_B bang

    Christmas visits, jam and nuts are nice, but Grandma seems to prefer a July visit and a little of C’s summer sausage as well.

    Mar 9, 2010 at 9:55 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #30   Courtney

    My grandmother oddly refers to me as “sister” not only in her passive aggressive “would like to see you more often” letters but also while referring to me in relation to her dachshund. o_o

    Mar 9, 2010 at 11:37 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #31   Sibling rivalry: the rift that keeps on giving | — funny (if not necessarily "passive-aggressive") notes from pissed-off people

    [...] cleaning out boxes after her grandmother passed away, she stumbled upon a thank you note she had written to her grandparents years earlier. (“In my defense,” Sarah says, [...]

    Jul 8, 2010 at 6:10 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up


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