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The time-tested “sausage, egg and cheese” diet

March 10th, 2010 · 147 comments

Angie in Columbus, Ohio says this is the second (hilariously) furious fridge note to be posted lately in the office kitchenette. Adds Angie: “Who knew a Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwich fit into a ‘special diet’?” Perhaps next time the writer could just hop (er, drive) on over to Taco Bell?

Dear Dirty-Rotten Fridge Raider, The following words describe you: -Thief: one that steals especially steathily or secretly -Despicable: so worthless or immoral as to rouse moral indignation -Rude: offensive in manner or action, discourteous -Jerk: an annoyingly stupid or foolish person The breakfast sandwich that you helped yourself to, without permission, was clearly marked with MY NAME and yesterday's date. YOU ARE NOT ME and therefore had no right to help yourself to MY Jimmy Dean, turkey sausage, egg, and cheese sandwich. Which, by the way, I miss dearly. Did you know that it had 250 calories? I did. Because I am on a special diet intended to help me lose weight and lower my cholesterol. Bringing my own food also helps maintain my weekly budget. But now, thanks to you, I have to go to the cafe  and spend money on something that doesn't fit the parameters of my special diet or budget. So thanks and bravo! Yay you!!

related: It’s not funny, it’s my sandwich

extra credit: This is why you’re fat.

FILED UNDER: bullet points · Columbus · food · obnoxious definition · office fridge · stealing · thanks (but not really) · that's disrespectful

147 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Brigitte

    Well I mean come on… it was TURKEY sausage. Clearly its a super healthy way to start the day.

    Mar 10, 2010 at 9:09 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #2   chase

    I want to be part of the frozen microwave food with 1000 mg of sodium diet

    Mar 10, 2010 at 9:10 pm   rating: 28  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Ethnic Avenue

      You know what: skipping a meal altogether would also help you lose weight.

      Mar 11, 2010 at 1:55 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #2.2   mingbat

      No it wouldn’t you only hang onto your fat if you skip meals. Don’t you know anything!!

      Mar 11, 2010 at 3:03 pm   rating: 30  small thumbs up

    • #2.3   nope

      Yup, mingbat is right. Skipping meals will slow your metabolism over time and make it more likely for you to overeat later out of hunger.

      Mar 11, 2010 at 7:58 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

    • #2.4   Eric

      Yeah, right… Look all of you overweight people – skipping meals does NOT make you gain weight. Pathetic excuses. My breakfast usually consists of a cup of coffee and a very, very small pastry or snack bar, if I even eat something, which I often don’t. I am underweight, have been all my life.

      If your theory was correct, I would be “hanging on to fat” because I skip meals and eat fewer calories.

      If you want to lose weight, you EAT LESS FOOD. It’s not complicated. Lower your caloric intake, and you lose weight.

      Mar 12, 2010 at 8:30 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #2.5   Jason

      Even talking about losing “weight” is the sign of somebody who doesn’t know what they’re talking about. Skipping meals makes you gain fat. Your body evolved to hang onto fat. Skipping meals puts it in fat conservation mode – there are measurable changes in body chemistry – whether you reduce your caloric intake or not. If you reduce your caloric intake by more than 10% and/or fail to eat 5-6 small meals throughout the day, you’re increasing your fat/muscle ratio. This, in turn, will mean gaining even more fat since muscle is the engine in which bodyfat is burned. Of course, you can keep yourself thin by perpetually starving yourself, but you’ll just be a disgusting, unhealthy person.

      Mar 13, 2010 at 3:40 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #2.6   Eric

      Yeah, right. Keep telling yourself that. There’s nothing more amusing than an overweight person who thinks if they skip meals it actually makes them fatter. Self-serving, pathetic excuses. I told you – myself, and many of my friends, are thin, and we don’t “starve” ourselves – we eat MODEST PORTIONS – something that overweight people can’t seem to understand. I have extremely low body fat. Like I said, I rarely eat anything for breakfast if I do. Other meals are modest in size. If you eat large meals and aren’t active, you’ll gain weight. Skipping meals will NOT make you gain weight. Please stop perpetuating this myth. If you want to lose weight, eat less food and get off your @ss.

      Mar 15, 2010 at 11:07 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #2.7   Canthz_B bang

      “…I rarely eat anything for breakfast if I do.”?

      So, when you do eat breakfast, you rarely eat anything?

      I agree with you, ya gotta burn more than you put in, plain and simple, but I can’t figure that sentence out.

      Mar 15, 2010 at 11:46 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #3   infant tyrone bang

    Wow, after a psychic and thesauric beat-down like that, two things will be looming large in the thief’s karmic rear view mirror…the enormity of the purloined sandwich…and the enormity of the sandwich’s previous owner.

    Mar 10, 2010 at 9:13 pm   rating: 35  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   yodel

      ty, you’re such a cunning linguist. I enjoy all of your posts. I hope this comment brightens your day.

      Mar 11, 2010 at 3:59 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #3.2   infant tyrone bang

      As Rocky Rococo useta say, “I’m at your cervix.”
      Hopefully I’ll continue to tickle your funny bone.
      Your comment had a high luminous flux rating.
      The radiant flux was nothing to sneeze at either.


      Mar 11, 2010 at 9:00 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #3.3   Jayster

      I love Monty Python.

      Mar 11, 2010 at 11:24 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #3.4   yodel


      Mar 12, 2010 at 6:55 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #3.5   infant tyrone bang

      by Samuel Beckett ?

      Mar 13, 2010 at 8:46 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #4   Astounder

    I don’t think anybody’s going to lose weight when one of those things figures prominently into a “weight loss” menu.

    Mar 10, 2010 at 9:15 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   farcical aquatic ceremony

      I don’t know, if someone sliced up a Mr. James (Jimmy) Dean & slipped it onto my turkey-sausage, egg, and cheese sandwich, I’m pretty sure the week of non-stop hurling would result in SOME weight loss…

      Mar 10, 2010 at 11:00 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

  • #5   idunno

    Apparently, Mr. Nutrition didn’t realize someone was trying to REDUCE his chances of a heart attack.

    Mar 10, 2010 at 9:17 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

  • #6   Mama24

    Has anyone ever seen a Jimmy Dean anything with 250 calories? Whoever this is should be thankful the rude, disrespectful, thieving jerk saved her thighs a few inches and her ass a little bit of cellulite.

    Mar 10, 2010 at 9:21 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   harmonicpies

      And provided the motivation to burn extra calories by stomping about, furiously typing, and lumbering back and forth to the printer and fridge to post the note.

      But then, if you’re an obese, melodramatic, pauper with a heart condition, that Jimmy Dean turkey sausage, egg, and cheese sandwich may be the only thing in life that holds meaning for you.

      Mar 10, 2010 at 9:55 pm   rating: 29  small thumbs up

    • #6.2   snatchbeast

      Seriously. If you want to lose weight, stop eating meat, cheese and egg catastrophes. Or at least stop eating Jimmy Dean. And animals.

      Mar 10, 2010 at 11:35 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #6.3   :D

      Or just eat *less* meat, cheese, eggs, and animals.

      Mmmm cute baby animals.

      Mar 10, 2010 at 11:52 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #6.4   much to my chagrin bang

      You can easily be a vegetarian and eat nothing but junk food (I should know). However, I think our omnivore friends would agree that there are plenty of meaty options out there that are both more delicious and healthier than a Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwich.

      Mar 11, 2010 at 9:17 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #6.5   nollface

      maybe the writer meant 250 calories per bite

      Mar 11, 2010 at 10:11 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #6.6   Cosigns

      Why do you assume the note writer is a she?
      There are many meaty options out there that can be a healthy alternative.
      Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwich. The thought of it makes me throw up a little. So perhaps this was part of the dietary plan?

      Mar 11, 2010 at 12:52 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #6.7   claw71 bang

      Cosigns, after careful review of the note I have concluded that, regardless of the writer’s genitalia, ‘she’ is the appropriate pronoun.

      Mar 11, 2010 at 1:20 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #6.8   infant tyrone bang

      Mmmm. Cute baby animals…
      With baby carrots and baby bok choi?
      Nouvelle cuisine may be poised for a comeback.
      And Jimmy Dean eaters may be poised for an upchuck.

      Mar 11, 2010 at 1:37 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #7   Wade bang

    My guess is a Good Samaritan threw it in the trash.

    Because a Jimmy Dean turkey sausage, egg, and cheese sandwich would make even Baby Jesus cry.

    Mar 10, 2010 at 9:22 pm   rating: 25  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Canthz_B bang

      Maybe the thief put the sandwich in the company fitness center.
      There could be an Easter Egg hunt-like activity for it, and maybe someone would get a clue that burning calories kinda works when trying to lose weight.

      Or maybe they’ll just sit on the equipment and eat Jimmy!

      Mar 10, 2010 at 10:30 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #7.2   harmonicpies

      The smell of old gym socks might make the Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwich more appealing.

      Mar 10, 2010 at 10:36 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #7.3   yodel

      Really?! Ive never had one of these sandwiches, but they have to be god awful after seeing all the posts.

      Mar 11, 2010 at 4:04 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #7.4   PPL Daughter

      They’re pretty good, actually. It’s just that all of the posters are food snobs.

      And the calorie count for a singe sandwich is 250 calories….

      Mar 11, 2010 at 6:32 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

  • #8   Guderson

    Maybe the sandwich took off and slammed its Porsche into a pole?

    Mar 10, 2010 at 9:23 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   GhostWriter bang

      That sandwich was too fast to live, yet too young to die.

      Mar 12, 2010 at 11:49 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

  • #9   deldobuss

    How dare you make me go down to the cafe and get a salad! That does not fit into the parameters of my special diet or budget!

    Mar 10, 2010 at 9:29 pm   rating: 30  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   chrisswiss83 bang

      Mmm salad for breakfast!

      Mar 10, 2010 at 10:56 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #9.2   LordOfThePants

      Tofu the size of Texas!

      Mar 11, 2010 at 10:15 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #10   Helen

    Be thankful you have eaten none of those 250 calories – you are on your way to losing weight faster :)

    Mar 10, 2010 at 9:35 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   yodel

      No no. You’re wrong.. Silly Helen. Dont you know anything?!

      Mar 11, 2010 at 4:07 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #10.2   PPL Daughter

      Actually when you skip meals, your body thinks it’s starving so it holds on to fat and slows it’s fuel-burning processes down.

      Mar 11, 2010 at 6:36 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #11   Jen

    Too funny!

    To be fair, they do have a light version of those sandwiches, and they’re fucking expensive!

    Mar 10, 2010 at 9:35 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Ten

      The “turkey sausage” part and the 250 calorie part would imply that this IS one of the light versions.

      Mar 11, 2010 at 9:26 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #12   Buddy Christ

    Trying to lower cholesterol by eating Jimmy Dean sandwiches? That’s an interesting weight loss plan. Maybe the thief is just trying to save the author of the note from their seemingly inevitable series of heart attacks.

    Mar 10, 2010 at 9:37 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #13   Canthz_B bang

    Jimmy Dean is known for his amazing cholesterol-free eggs?

    Listen, Dictionary Daisy, if you’re going to scarf down an egg, go ahead and get Jimmy’s good pork sausage as well…don’t be a turkey-gobbler.

    Mar 10, 2010 at 9:38 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   chrisswiss83 bang

      Actually, the eggs in the Jimmy Dean Lite sandwiches are yolk-free (and therefore contain no dietary cholesterol). The entire sandwich has 35mg of cholesterol. The sodium is pretty off the charts, though.

      Mar 10, 2010 at 11:01 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #13.2   Canthz_B bang

      In point of fact, we actually are just telling jokes here.
      The egg was a set-up for “turkey-gobbler”. Get it? Turkey? Gobble?
      Of course, turkeys don’t actually “gobble”… ;-)

      Mar 10, 2010 at 11:10 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #13.3   Mark bang

      Homer: Hey! [grabs it, stomps on it] I saved your life! That egg sandwich could have killed you by cholesterol.
      Lenny: Pfft, forget it, Homer. While it has been established that eggs contain cholesterol, it has not yet been proven conclusively that they actually raise the level of serum cholesterol in the human blood stream.
      Homer: So one of those Egg Council creeps got to you too, huh?
      Lenny: Aw, you’ve got it all wrong, Homer. It’s not like that.
      [a man in an egg costume creeps, then runs, away]
      Homer: You’d better run, egg!
      *pines for Mishee*

      Mar 10, 2010 at 11:12 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #13.4   park rose bang

      Yeah, we haven’t seen the egg-whites of her eyes for a while, but you and CB are doing pretty good with the yolks. Keep ‘em coming.

      Mar 10, 2010 at 11:15 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #14   Know-it-all

    The letter writer is a stupid fuck for thinking he/she can lower cholesterol by eating a sausage, egg and cheese. They deserved to have it stolen.

    Mar 10, 2010 at 9:42 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   yodel

      ouch! -5 points.

      Mar 11, 2010 at 4:14 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #15   taylor

    hahahaHA this fatass thinks a jimmy dean sandwich is a healthy way to lose weight? then they deserve to starve. natural selection doesn’t like stupid fatties.

    Mar 10, 2010 at 9:45 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   yodel

      ouch! -5 points..

      Mar 11, 2010 at 4:13 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #15.2   infant tyrone bang

      There’s an echo in here.
      Not just your nice boilerplate, but the reverberant ‘death to fatties’.

      Wonder how some of these folks would fare trying to flourish on
      a diet regime laid down by Twiggy and Karen Carpenter…

      Might be less regard for all them commandments and a little mo’ love for the fatted calf…or even something of the cloven-hoofed persuasion.

      Mar 11, 2010 at 6:49 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #15.3   Ten

      The person who posted the note probably isn’t even fat. Isn’t there a statistic that says some crazy percentage of women are on a diet at any given time? Like 75-80%?

      Mar 11, 2010 at 9:28 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #15.4   Dara

      Yeah, but isn’t there a crazy statistic about how many American women are overweight? Like 75-80%?

      Mar 12, 2010 at 6:15 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #16   Fridge Pirate

    The, Jimmy Dean, turkey sausage, egg, and cheese, sandwich, was, fucking, delicious!

    Mar 10, 2010 at 9:53 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   Canthz_B bang

      Now that took an incredible amount of comedic talent to come up with!
      Keep ‘em coming!!

      Mar 10, 2010 at 10:24 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #16.2   park rose bang

      He’ll go green, though CB. Guess the joke operates on the same level as fart jokes. NTTAWWT.

      Mar 10, 2010 at 10:53 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #16.3   Canthz_B bang

      I know, rose…ain’t it a gas?!

      Mar 10, 2010 at 11:15 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #16.4   infant tyrone bang

      They’re digging it in the Bronx; in fact, they’re cheering.

      Mar 11, 2010 at 1:49 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #17   bowloftoast bang

    You know what I miss dearly? The McRib.

    Mar 10, 2010 at 9:59 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   park rose bang

      You should talk to Adam about that, BoT. I think he gave it to Eve.

      Mar 10, 2010 at 11:14 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #17.2   Canthz_B bang

      But that would mean that Ronald McDonald is God!

      Explains why so many visit his house on Sunday morning though.

      Mar 10, 2010 at 11:18 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #17.3   Mark bang

      Ah, yes, the Krusty Burger Ribwich.

      *Pines for Mishee*

      Mar 10, 2010 at 11:23 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #17.4   Bunnee

      My Dad once had a girlfriend who wondered “how they get all those little bones out of the McRib”. :shock:

      Bless her heart.

      Mar 11, 2010 at 9:16 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #17.5   Mo®

      Awww well now ain’t she adorable!

      Mar 11, 2010 at 12:55 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #17.6   Meesh

      “Ah, I have the buyer’s remorse…”

      Mar 12, 2010 at 7:19 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #18   Ang

    Jimmy Dean + “special diet” = contradiction in terms….

    Mar 10, 2010 at 10:00 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #19   beth

    Either they work at a law firm (she was building a pretty good case, and it was template perfect) or the nut house. I remember slamming my brother up against the fridge in high school bc he ate my diet ice-cream. A girl gets hungry. What she needs is some italian sausage (if you know what I’m sayin’). Yay Me!

    Mar 10, 2010 at 10:21 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #20   Colin

    I would eat all this woman’s food.

    Mar 10, 2010 at 10:25 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #21   Pterosaur

    Dear Dieter,

    I am terribly sorry for eating your “diet” sandwich. I thought it was mine. My ass has an ass and my cholesterol clogs my veins like cottage cheese, so I assumed that I was you. Sometimes I have trouble telling us apart. Thank you for pointing out that I am not, in fact, you. I’ll try to keep it straight in the future.

    Please accept this double burrito platter and deep-fried Twinkies with my apologies. Don’t worry, it’s only 250 calories!


    The Other Office Lardass

    Mar 10, 2010 at 10:29 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   snatchbeast

      Deep fried Twinkies probably have less cholesterol than that “sandwich” abomination (my vegan club sandwich lunch was fabulously cholesterol free)

      Mar 10, 2010 at 11:38 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #21.2   much to my chagrin bang

      The vegan pad thai I had last night was tasty and cholesterol free. It was also 600 calories per 11 oz serving and had 23 grams of sugar.

      Mar 11, 2010 at 9:27 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #21.3   infant tyrone bang

      To: The Other Office Lardass
      From: Stalker HQ

      If you’re seriously getting into one of those Mick Jagger/James Fox identity blenders, maybe you should offer celery, broccoli, and rhubarb.*

      Nothing like burritos and Twinkies™ to induce Performance anxiety.

      *or other things that come in stalks

      Mar 11, 2010 at 9:48 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #21.4   smokey the bear bang

      @infant tyrone

      Not for nothing, but you’re like the Dennis Miller of blog comments. Take that as you like!

      Mar 11, 2010 at 12:39 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #21.5   infant tyrone bang

      Dear smokey,

      I’ll take it as a compliment as long as I don’t have to embrace his strange morphing of recent years into un instrumento de la ala derecha.

      Reverferentially yours,

      Others may thumb your submission into submission, but I was there first.

      Mar 11, 2010 at 1:57 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #22   oi

    I have immense respect for this note writer. He does not only bring his own lunch to limit calorie intake but brings her own dictionary* to limit her intelletory** intake too.
    **intellectory: unit of intellect/knowledge

    Mar 10, 2010 at 10:38 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   Mo®

      Awww oi! you’re cute as a buttom mixing your genders!

      Mar 11, 2010 at 12:58 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #22.2   oi bang

      *repeated headdesk*

      Mar 11, 2010 at 1:19 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #23   rhombchick

    Yesterday’s date?
    Presumably I take that to mean you bought it yesterday? Just how much longer did you think that sandwich was going to wait for you?
    Lunch theif was probably just a fridge nazi who didn’t want to wait till your sandwich multiplied itself. Look for said sandwich in the bin, and being the lard ass you are, you’ll probably still eat it, in the toilet cubicle where no one can see you…

    Mar 10, 2010 at 10:43 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   Canthz_B bang

      Or they “brought” it to work yesterday, which says nothing about why you would have to presume how you yourself take something.
      If a sandwich multiplies itself, you get only one sandwich. 1 x 1 = 1.

      Just screwing with you…had nothing better to do! :-P

      Mar 11, 2010 at 12:13 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #24   chrisswiss83 bang

    I know it’s not exactly a glass of milk, two eggs, and a slice of high fiber toast, but really the Jimmy Dean Lite sandwiches aren’t awful in terms of carbs-fat-protein ratios, 30/7/18 with 2 grams of fiber, though they leave a bit desired as far as sodium goes. A 250-calorie sandwich wouldn’t exactly make anyone fatter, and it’s a better idea than not eating or having a bagel with a few pats of cream cheese or whatever their cafe serves.

    I mean:

    HAWHAW fat people are so fat because they think they can just lose weight by enjoying small portions of food they already enjoy instead of eating a salad for breakfast like most people do or simply living off the fat on their fat asses! They have no self-control and a 250 calorie sandwich is for some reason an unhealthy choice to make for anyone to make, I should know I eat a 300 calorie bagel everyday and it is full of healthy starches! Everyone knows you shouldn’t even eat breakfast! They should starve to death for being so dumb!

    Mar 10, 2010 at 10:53 pm   rating: 59  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   oi

      Is it from David Lynch’s movie?

      Mar 10, 2010 at 10:59 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #24.2   farcical aquatic ceremony

      Team notewriter & chrisswiss83– really, people, celebrate the fact that you’re not in middle school anymore and do PAN proud: less “fatty”, more funny.

      Mar 10, 2010 at 11:25 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #24.3   Canthz_B bang

      Huh? Are we getting serious about weight loss?
      Is this the Weight-Watchers website?

      Personally, I could care less about the size of the person…it’s the size of the chips on their shoulders that I take aim at. ;-)

      Mar 10, 2010 at 11:45 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #24.4   chrisswiss83 bang

      You’re being unreasonable, FAC. Don’t you think the internet needs at least one more forum to help nurture our deep-seated hatred for teh fatties?

      Mar 10, 2010 at 11:45 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #24.5   chrisswiss83 bang

      CB, if they’re sour cream and cheddar you better save me some!

      Anyway, I don’t mean to give diet advice, I was just sick of the same “this person is fat because they are enjoying a healthier alternative to what they probably eat every morning and therefore they are stupid and should die” posts I kept seeing. It is funny because they could certainly get a bit more sympathy by not bringing up the fact that the sandwich was a Jimmy Dean, but when I start seeing people actually suggest eating a damn salad for breakfast, well that’s where I draw the line!

      Mar 10, 2010 at 11:57 pm   rating: 27  small thumbs up

    • #24.6   Canthz_B bang

      I don’t give diet advice either, mostly because weight loss has very little to do with what one puts into oneself, more to do with how one is able to burn off what one puts in before the body stores it as potential energy (fat).

      Never had a weight problem (over) myself, so I was just making a turkey joke. Been known to defend the full-figured around here from the anorexic crowd from time to time though…’cause I like a woman with some meat on her bones! ;-)

      Mar 11, 2010 at 12:05 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #24.7   aaa bang

      I like a woman with some meat on her bones, too. The marbling makes her that much tastier.

      Mar 11, 2010 at 9:37 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #24.8   infant tyrone bang

      Positively deLecterable, and just what the Doctor ordered, too.

      Mar 11, 2010 at 9:52 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #24.9   Pterosaur

      I don’t care if the note writer’s ass is so big that she needs an electric cart to haul it around. I don’t care what she eats. She can wrap the whole Jimmy Dean box in bacon and deep-fry the fucker. And food thieves suck.

      However, she has a health food delusion that equates a salty sausage grease-ball with organic carrot sticks. And she thinks that expensive, brand name, processed frozen foods are part of a “budget” diet, instead of buying a loaf of bread and deli meat. I bet that she’s one of those fat bitches always whining about her “special diet” while never getting any smaller. She probably tells the entire office about her magical Jimmy Dean sandwiches whenever a coworker brings unhealthy fast food for lunch. Then she stinks up the microwave everyday with her “health food.”

      Final score:
      +50 for surprisingly good grammar
      +100 for being the victim of theft
      -1000 for being an annoying, delusional, fat cow

      Mar 11, 2010 at 9:54 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #24.10   chrisswiss83 bang

      Because the only way to lose weight is to eat nothing but vegetables. You can’t simply eat somewhat healthier alternatives and expect to lose and/or not gain weight. And people who go on diets that rely entirely on preparing their own meals would never ever end up relapsing by eating something even worse or simply not eating at all when whatever they grabbed at the grocery store to eat when they didn’t have time to make eggs and a high fiber english muffin in the morning is stolen out of the fridge. These fat-asses deserve no sympathy and are simply bad people for thinking that making a slightly smarter choice once in a while will ever amount to anything. I get it, delusional diet people are annoying, but so are people who actually suggest baby carrots or salad as an acceptable breakfast food.

      Mar 11, 2010 at 10:45 am   rating: 23  small thumbs up

    • #24.11   oi

      “disrespectful: to show or express contempt for others”
      That’s not a good grammar. Even I know that! I mean she has managed to hint that she used the dictionary but that definition is a telltale hole right there.

      Mar 11, 2010 at 10:50 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #24.12   oi

      You know chriswiss83, I agree with you that salad is not a good choice for breakfast, hell, it’s not a good choice on it’s own for any meal of the day. but you keep saying that egg-cheese sausage sandwich is healthier than salad that’s where I have a problem. We never established the ingredients of salad so you can’t say that it’s less healthy. Both have their own place in the full meal. for carnivores that is.

      Mar 11, 2010 at 10:56 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #24.13   chrisswiss83 bang

      Oh, I would never suggest this Jimmy Dean Lite sandwich is healthier than a salad (unless it’s a Croutons, Cheese, Bacon & Ranch salad or something). I’m suggesting that the sandwich is probably healthier than what this note writer normally eats for breakfast, and also salad is not a breakfast food. A 250-calorie sandwich isn’t a terrible choice and isn’t going to make her ass explode like some of the other commenters are suggesting (unless that’s her fifth sandwich of the day). I’ve had these sandwiches, I’d never call them a “health food”, but they have a good amount of protein for the morning and relatively low fat. It’s not at all an ideal breakfast, but if this note-writer is pushing 200-250lbs it’s probably a step in the right direction for them (and I doubt they’re the type that would be able to deal with eating a salad for breakfast). It’s not a glass of milk, some fruit, and two eggs, but it’s not a Jimmy Dean sausage wrapped in a pancake on a stick either.

      Mar 11, 2010 at 11:20 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #24.14   claw71 bang

      I don’t think fat people should die. I get too much joy out of belittling them. If all the fat people died, where would I transfer my self-loathing? The Blacks? The Jews?

      Mar 11, 2010 at 12:47 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #24.15   Pterosaur

      oi, I know that the grammar isn’t flawless, but by PAN standards it’s at least an A-. I didn’t even notice any spelling errors.

      Mar 11, 2010 at 2:23 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #24.16   harmonicpies

      chrisswiss83, I do feel that everyone should be treated with respect, whether they are fat or skinny. Until they throw away their own dignity by posting PANs ranting about the theft of a breakfast sandwich and implying that their financial and physical health has been irreparably damaged by the loss of a single food item of questionable taste. It conjures up the image of Donald Duck waddling around red-faced and quacking incoherently.

      It was a frozen sandwich, not her insulin supply. She needs to pull up her big girl panties and deal with it. Who wants to put up with that shit at work?

      Mar 11, 2010 at 7:36 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #24.17   Dara

      Just to be clear… I can’t eat salad for breakfast anymore?

      Mar 12, 2010 at 6:25 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #25   park rose bang

    C’mon, you’ve got to have some respect for someone who’s opening salutation is Dear Dirty-Rotten Fridge Raider. I think she’s (?) got a good sense of humour. I’m imagining the thief to look like Dick Dastardly . I’m on team note writer.

    Mar 10, 2010 at 10:59 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   Canthz_B bang

      Thanks, rose. I totally missed that “Fridge Raider”!!

      Maybe she thinks the machine itself ate her sammie!! rotfl

      Mar 10, 2010 at 11:58 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #26   park rose bang

    John: Hey, hey, hey Paul, don’t make it bad. Peace , y’know and don’t get your knickers in a knot now, all I am saying is: I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.

    Paul: (rolling eyes) Yeah, whatever, and pigs might fly, too. That was my sandwich you took, and I miss it dearly and I’m crying.

    Mar 10, 2010 at 11:11 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   infant tyrone bang

      In response to proffered monkey brains:
      No thanks, I had bugs for lunch.

      From the click of the leaves as the lady soldiers tossed their scarabs to the ground, I knew I was in deep dung. In case y’all need a hint…

      Mar 11, 2010 at 9:29 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #27   snatchbeast

    Want to lose weight? Stop eating shit like sausage breakfast sandwiches, douchebag.

    Mar 10, 2010 at 11:33 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   Canthz_B bang

      If we’re going to get into a weight-loss fight I’m going to have to recuse myself.

      Bantam-weights don’t belong in this ring. :-D

      Mar 10, 2010 at 11:54 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #27.2   chrisswiss83 bang

      Instead, eat some Morningstar brand faux-sage patties, they’re fuckin… edible.

      Mar 11, 2010 at 12:02 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #27.3   Anon

      I would rather eat the box, blech!

      Mar 11, 2010 at 8:37 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #27.4   sleeps

      Ooooh, now THAT’S an offer I can’t refuse!

      Mar 11, 2010 at 11:35 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #28   Gavin

    Good samaritan: person who voluntarily offers help or sympathy in times of trouble

    You really didn’t need those extra calories, trust me — in your case, less is more.

    Mar 11, 2010 at 8:49 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #29   GuavaJoe

    Gotta love how people with no original thoughts in their head go straight for the dictionary.

    Mar 11, 2010 at 9:01 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #29.1   H for Toy bang

      I’d prefer that to the people with no original thoughts in their head who go straight for the 4-letter words.

      Mar 11, 2010 at 9:13 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #29.2   anglophile bang

      Better that than straight to the comment box, making the Jimmy-Dean-breakfast-sandwich-is-not-health-food joke for the five hundreth time.

      Mar 11, 2010 at 10:59 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

  • #30   Team Me

    That Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwich was fucking disgusting

    Mar 11, 2010 at 9:25 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #31   Team Me

    “We’ve secretly replaced Sally’s Jimmy Dean Turkey Sausage, Egg and Cheese Sandwich with real food…let’s see if she can tell the difference”

    Mar 11, 2010 at 9:32 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

  • #32   Matt B

    Dear Fatty,

    Fucking delicious.

    Mar 11, 2010 at 9:42 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #33   ClearlyDemented

    Don’t we all know by now that the only way to lose weight is by eating fake sugars, corn syrup and overly processed, non-nutritional flours? How dare this note-writer try to lose weight by eating low-fat proteins and whole grains! She would do much better eating what I had this morning, 10 fruit loops and 12 fat-free potato chips.

    Mar 11, 2010 at 10:12 am   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #33.1   H for Toy bang

      What ever happened to bringing a nice bowl of oatmeal to the office?

      Mar 11, 2010 at 10:26 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #33.2   sleeps

      It’s hell on your briefcase.

      Mar 11, 2010 at 11:36 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

  • #34   claw71 bang

    The following words best describe me:

    Cunning: I used ninja-like skills to beat you to your breakfast.

    Laughing: That’s what I’m doing at the notion that a ‘special’ diet would include a Jimmy Dean product.

    Awesome: It’s how I feel with a full belly of food I didn’t pay for.

    Wow: That’s what she said.

    Mar 11, 2010 at 10:35 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

  • #35   h3llc4t

    I think Angie and I work in the same office! Either that, or we have suspiciously similar coworkers…

    Mar 11, 2010 at 11:18 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #36   Tanner

    This note’s pretty restrained. I can get pretty cranky in the morning without food, so if someone stole my food, I’d probably have to beat their ass.

    I’m a little tired of all of the notes left after food stealing. It’s more infuriating than funny.

    Mar 11, 2010 at 11:31 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #36.1   PPL Daughter

      Yeah, the couple of times that I’ve had food taken from the fridge @ work, my notes were particularly sarcastic but my yelling fits were pretty vicious. There was a point where I would have to break out ” H**** H**** is not made of money. If you would like one, ask” notes and put them in my food bag (or even staple the bag shut a few times) if I brought in a couple of days worth of food.

      Mar 11, 2010 at 6:54 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #37   Woman on the Verge bang

    Dear Articulate Note Writer:

    Thank you for applauding my skills in purloining the questionably tasty sandwich in question. It was the “yay me” that really made me feel confident that I had done the right thing.

    My identity crisis has caused me make off with several things lately including a stapler, several reams of copy paper, and a small car. I was sure they were mine at the time.

    Thank you for understanding my special needs and praising my methods. Please rest assured that I will likely steal your food again.

    Yay you!

    Mar 11, 2010 at 11:47 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #38   Havingfitz

    I’m sorry, but I’m on team victim here. I have been known to go on the war path if my can of Sprite vanishes. A few days ago a co-worker was nearly in tears when someone ate her lunch, and then actually put the empty package back in the grocery bag and returned both to the refrigerator. While I agree the sandwich sounds disgusting and not exactly diet-friendly, it was hers and I’d go off on someone too.

    Mar 11, 2010 at 12:12 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #38.1   claw71 bang

      This isn’t ‘Nam, there are rules and it’s all about meal timing. Lunch begins at noon so if there’s unclaimed food in the fridge after 12:45 it’s up for grabs. I know what you’re going to say: “my shift starts later so I don’t eat lunch until 1:30. ”

      Fine. Then go and get your food out of the fridge at noon and keep it safe because once that 45 minute window closes I’m helping myself. Did you get stuck on a call? Did your boss call you into his office as you were on your way? Too bad. The deadline doesn’t care why you missed it. There are no excuses. Hungry people are losers.

      Breakfast foods are fair game. Breakfast should be eaten before you get to work but if you opt to bring it with you it automatically becomes community property. I’ve snatched a McGriddle right out of a coworkers hand before. “Hey,that’s mine!” he cried. Well, you can come to the restroom with me in about two hours and you can have it back. Next time, hold on to it with two hands.

      Beverages are also fair game. This isn’t your house, it’s a community fridge. You can buy your Sprite out of the vending machine like everybody else or get a little Playmate cooler to keep your Costco sodey pops secure at your desk.

      I love the story about the woman crying over her lost lunch. She’ll get no sympathy from me. It’s a Darwinian world out there only the strong survive.

      Go ahead and post missives about theft, civility, honor and integrity. You’re entitled to your opinion, but possession is still 9 tenths of the law and once your food is in my belly, you aren’t getting it back. Go ahead and report me to HR. Better yet, call a cop. I’m sure you’ll feel better. At least until tomorrow when you wander in to the break room at 12:55 only to find an empty Ziplock bag where your grilled chicked used to be.

      Mar 11, 2010 at 12:36 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #38.2   ClearlyDemented

      Oh, you’re good, Claw. Almost had me going there, too. But everyone knows it takes much longer than two hours to fully digest a McGriddle.

      Mar 11, 2010 at 1:31 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #38.3   infant tyrone bang

      Not everybody just writes notes.
      Owners of Goodyear and like stocks salute you.
      They recommend something in a nice ’60 series’ for your next set.

      Mar 11, 2010 at 2:14 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #38.4   PPL Daughter

      I totally understand where your coworker is coming from. When my blood sugar gets out-of-wack and i get delayed getting to lunch (usually happens if I eat more than 2 hours before I get to work), then I can have a fit and/or bust into tears, esp. if it’s right before payday and my budget is more restricted.

      Mar 11, 2010 at 6:59 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #39   Le Lac

    In six months, this person will be screaming at someone else for stealing his carefully selected frosted cherry pop-tarts (200 calories!) as he battles hypertension.

    Mar 11, 2010 at 12:46 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #40   claw71 bang

    Hey, is this the Jimmy Dean product featured in the ad where the Sun walks in and he sees Rainbow all gloomy because she’s trying to lose weight and skipped breakfast? Because I would totally fuck that Rainbow.

    Mar 11, 2010 at 12:49 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #41   claw71 bang

    Do you suppose this note’s author, like so many other people, got confused over the spelling and went with the slang term ‘fridge’ after deciding that, regardless of spell checker’s approval, that neither ‘refrigerator’ nor ‘refridgerator’ looked right?

    It’s too bad because coining the word ‘refrigeraider’ would have been much cooler than what we have here.

    Mar 11, 2010 at 1:25 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #41.1   Pterosaur

      Where’s my lunch? That goddamn Refrigeraider stuck again!

      Curse you!

      Mar 11, 2010 at 2:47 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #41.2   infant tyrone bang

      They seek him here, they seek him there,
      Those victims seek him everywhere.
      ‘Tis really need or just th-eāter ?
      That damned elusive Refrigeraider !

      Mar 11, 2010 at 3:56 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #42   HugsandKisses101 bang

    Bravo! Yay me!

    Mar 11, 2010 at 1:56 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #43   Ninja812

    Ah, “F” this! I’m just going to J-Box and gettin’ an Ultimate Breakfast Sandwich. It’s a farm on a bun! Besides, there’s a reason the first three letters in ‘diet’ are DIE.

    Mar 11, 2010 at 3:55 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #44   ihatko


    everyone knows to lose weight you just have to eat less calories than you use each day

    so assuming that this chick has less than 1250 more calories throughout the day shes probably losing weight

    so lay off and stop being so judgemental

    Mar 11, 2010 at 7:26 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #44.1   Ten

      And if she’s counting calories (or even counting calories and protein and fiber and so on and so forth) she probably has all of her meals for the day planned and had budgeted a specific amount for breakfast. If someone ate it, that fucks up her whole day.

      I agree that she needs to deal with it and not write a stupid note, but I also think people really need to stick to snarking the nature of the note and not the nature of the stolen sandwich.

      Mar 11, 2010 at 9:47 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #45   Joe2

    Why do the douchenozzles at work NEVER understand that people swipe their food BECAUSE they’re douchenozzles?
    A former supervisor would go ballistic whenever someone drank her “special” coffee. The fact that it was merlot apparently made it special. Go figure.

    Mar 11, 2010 at 9:09 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #46   prairielily

    Why pick on the note writer for wanting to eat a disgusting microwave sandwich when the sandwich-stealer is far more mockable? Guys! Someone was desperate enough for a Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwich to steal one with someone else’s name on it!

    Mar 12, 2010 at 12:23 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #46.1   Pterosaur

      The thief was probably in the mood for a greasy treat, and then discovered Ms. Special Diet’s secret “budget health food” stash. Remembering the last tantrum after someone dared to touch The Sacred Jimmy Dean, he couldn’t resist.

      Food theft is shitty, but if he must steal something, it might as well be from the most annoying person in the office.

      Mar 12, 2010 at 9:40 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #47   Max Time bang

    buy a MCchicken and quit your bitchin!

    Mar 12, 2010 at 8:34 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #48   Grumpy McGrumperson

    As someone who has been the victim of more than a few incidents of breakfast food theft, I think I’m on the note writer’s side here.

    Really, it’s so frustrating to have prepared stuff for breakfast, brought it in so that you can control your eating/blood sugar/whatever, and find that some dickwad took it. Regardless of what it was, it sucks to have your stuff stolen.

    Mar 12, 2010 at 4:24 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #49   Speaking Up

    As someone who has battled obesity since she was 5, and has major self-esteem issues stemming from social pressure and bullying over her appearance, I think a reminder should be made to those who are lumping every overweight person into one group: There are those of us who cannot lose weight due to medical/genetic reasons. I’ve been through a lot of different tests (far past the normal thyroid test which medication can deal with pretty well) and unless I can afford $150-$200 of hormone balancing medication per month I have to accept that I will never be able to lose weight (I’m on a pension, so affording that is right out the window). It makes it hard when I see society’s views that all overweight people are that way due to choice and/or laziness. I have severe ankle problems which aren’t weight-related, yet I still try and walk at least 20-30 minutes per day – often up to an hour or two if I need to go somewhere via bus. I watch what I eat and very rarely have fast food. Despite that I weigh in at 125kg.

    Self-esteem and body issues are all too common in women, leading to depression and eating disorders.

    Please, before persecuting every overweight person in general sweeping terms, I ask that you take some time and think about those who aren’t that way by choice.

    …And now back to your regularly scheduled snarking.

    Mar 13, 2010 at 10:21 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #50   kc

    bacon eggs and sausage are bad for you. wtf is this shite?

    Mar 14, 2010 at 8:45 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #51   rocky

    In the note writers defense, those things are pretty healthy and are pretty expensive. I would probably be pissed too.

    Mar 15, 2010 at 4:03 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #52   Really, Amazon? That's the best pick-up line you could come up with? |

    [...] notes are — especially when they pertain to specialty “diet” items like, say, a Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwich — read something like this one, from an office in Burbank, [...]

    Mar 20, 2010 at 3:29 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #53   Yes, Scotty, this is why you're fat. |

    [...] morning serving of saturated fat? No worries! If you’re a New Yorker, you can get your “special diet food” delivered right to your door. Or, um, your neighbors’ [...]

    Jun 10, 2010 at 10:20 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up


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