Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got Call of Duty 4 on pause

March 22nd, 2010 · 88 comments

Jack and Sarah in Tacoma, Washington both spotted this note taped to the window of a coffee shop outside the Fort Lewis military base in Tillicum. While I particularly enjoy the slow crescendo of this note, I’m not sure the manager of the H&R Block across the street would feel the same.

Dear Tillicum Thieves, While I appreciate your initiative and hard work I'd like to suggest you not break our window. There is an H&R Block across the street and I'm certain their computers are much newer and nicer than ours. I live in the neighborhood and would appreciate you not stealing from a local non-profit that provides services to soldiers and veterans. Also, I will shoot you in the fucking face. Thanks! The Management

related: Raging against the little guy

FILED UNDER: most popular notes of 2010 · not-so-veiled threats · stealing · vandalism · Washington state


88 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Margaret

    The “Thanks!” is perfect.

    Mar 22, 2010 at 4:46 pm   rating: 84  small thumbs up

     
  • #2   Christine

    Love it!

    Mar 22, 2010 at 4:48 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   Fiona

    Their security system is also much more advanced… I’ll take my chances and risk my face!

    Mar 22, 2010 at 4:53 pm   rating: 26  small thumbs up

     
  • #4   Woman on the Verge bang

    No clipart? Seriously? With an American flag, a soldier, the H&R Block logo, and a computer, this would be perfect.

    Mar 22, 2010 at 4:55 pm   rating: 75  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   infant tyrone bang

      Uncle Sam with a photoshopped bazooka pointed at us ?

      Mar 22, 2010 at 5:03 pm   rating: 36  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   molly ringwald bang

      i was thinking a rebel flag would be fitting.

      Mar 22, 2010 at 6:14 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.3   p4w4rr10r bang

      The lack of clip art is discouraging. However, the scarcity of exclamation marks is very effective in emphasizing the writer’s final point: that he will apply the bullet of knowledge to your face of understanding.

      Mar 22, 2010 at 6:47 pm   rating: 164  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.4   farcical aquatic ceremony

      they’re tryin’ to be discreet–check out those ‘don’t ask/don’t tell’ wooden blinds, keepin’ prying eyes from spyin’ the “services” being provided to vets and soldiers…

      Mar 22, 2010 at 7:10 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.5   infant tyrone bang

      molly,
      I’m not saying a rebel flag wouldn’t be fitting, but that went by me like a 9th inning relief pitcher’s fastball.

      If it’s not too much trouble, please explain the connection. Thanks, ty

      Mar 22, 2010 at 10:58 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.6   GhostWriter bang

      I’m not saying that our metaphorical 9th inning relief pitcher’s fastball wasn’t all that fast, but the connection between..
      - a rallying cry to destroy income tax partisans,
      - a virtual admission that the place is a VFW,
      - the consumate Southern reply to an unexpected knock-knock joke,
      …and Ol’ Dixie seems apparent enough to me.

      Mar 23, 2010 at 10:19 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.7   molly ringwald bang

      unfortunately, ty, i don’t have a witty reason or response. i just read that note with a southern accent… and that last sentence just reminded me of an old southern civil war vet with tobacco in his lip.

      plus, southerners seem to have more guns.

      Mar 23, 2010 at 12:24 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.8   infant tyrone bang

      molly,
      I lived in the Seattle area for 10 years or so, and the Stars and Bars aren’t a prominent cultural icon up there. You can find them in ex-urban trailer communities, but I never saw one within the city limits. If the NW has any overall bias re the Civil War I think it’d be Blue rather than Grey.

      I know there are plenty of vets who fit the popular (at least here, I suspect, amongst us extremist know-nothings, according to Steven) VFW image of people who support any new war pretty much unconditionally, but I’ve met plenty who outgrew the brainwashing (cultural conditioning if you prefer) of their youth and now look at many things, especially war, much more skeptically.

      For a quick trip through the mind of one of the most extreme cases of this, click below and check the paragraph that starts with “I spent 33 years…”
      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/War_Is_a_Racket

      Maybe I’ll photoshop my bazooka-totin’ Uncle Sam to wear a blue coat and a grey hat or vice versa. If you want to add a Stars and Bars lapel pin (or eyepatch), that could work too. Kine uv a unified front thang.

      Now that you mention it, I can definitely hear the proprietor’s drawl and make out the circular outline of a can of Skoal in his back pocket…

      Mar 23, 2010 at 1:02 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.9   Jill Terwilliger

      Well, it is Tillicum after all.

      Mar 23, 2010 at 1:08 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.10   Palomon bang

      I’ve met very few vets who think war is good. I’ve met many who accept that it is worth it.

      Mar 23, 2010 at 11:16 pm   rating: 29  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   Julio Iglesias

    The computers were fucking delicious.

    Mar 22, 2010 at 4:55 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Woman on the Verge bang

      I’ve always hated Julio Iglesias.

      Mar 22, 2010 at 5:06 pm   rating: 33  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   farcical aquatic ceremony

      was the duet with Kenny Rogers the worst of his sins or was it fathering Enrique Iglesias?

      Mar 22, 2010 at 7:13 pm   rating: 23  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.3   anglophile bang

      Now I have “To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before” going through my head. Thanks a lot fac. :|

      Mar 22, 2010 at 7:19 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.4   farcical aquatic ceremony

      ah aim ta’ please :)

      Mar 22, 2010 at 8:21 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.5   matty-wat bang

      I think that was Willy Nelson with Julio Iglesias or as I like to call him July Churches.

      Mar 23, 2010 at 12:48 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.6   Limeliberator bang

      See, this is the reason that I don’t advocate gun-control bills for some people. I would LOVE to use a variation of this sign in my office.

      On a side note: I facetiously called Enrique Iglesias “Julio Iglesias, Jr.” I truly had no idea that there actually WAS a Julio Iglesias, Jr. I kind of mentally rolled my eyes w

      Mar 23, 2010 at 1:09 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   infant tyrone bang

    I’d hate to have to decide between the non-profit and H&R Block.
    In the event of a burglary gone wrong, the vets’ place could get you killed, but H&R Block could probably arrange to get your ass audited.

    I’d rather take my chances parking in North Dakota than either of these.

    Mar 22, 2010 at 5:00 pm   rating: 55  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   AuntyBron

      Tax evasion is how they took down Capone.

      Mar 23, 2010 at 10:48 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   QuarterRoy00 bang

    So does my face have to be fucking for me to be shot?

    Mar 22, 2010 at 5:02 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Fiona

      … “you sure do have a perty mouth”….?

      Mar 22, 2010 at 5:03 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   shwonline bang

      Now THAT’S what I call a “poker face”.

      Mar 22, 2010 at 5:12 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   nic

    wait… what’s that smell?

    i’m pretty sure there’s a lawsuit cooking.

    Mar 22, 2010 at 5:09 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   shwonline bang

    Dear Lunch Thieves,

    While I appreciate your hunger and hard work I’d like to suggest you not steal my “Jenny Craig” dinner. There is a Hungry Man pot pie on the next shelf and I’m certain its chicken and vegetables are much richer and nicer than mine. I work in the office and would appreciate you not stealing from a poorly paid colleague who provides services to fellow workers and customers. Also, I will sit on your fucking face.

    Thanks!
    The Really Big Guy at Extension 417

    Mar 22, 2010 at 5:12 pm   rating: 110  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   Jill Terwilliger

    If it goes along with everything else in the fine, fine city of Tillicum, the (probable) bikini baristas that wrote that was likely mostly nekkid with unkempt pubies poking out.

    Really, the thief was doing a community service there. But, it being Tillicum, they failed. Next time they should just burn the place down.
    (I say that with love Tillicum! I love all my heroine nodding, burning-houses-down-with-babies-in-them peeps! Keep on being an awesome procreator Uncle Joe!)

    Mar 22, 2010 at 5:25 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   Sra

    You do know that a crescendo is the process of building up, and is not itself a climax, right? So you can’t build to a crescendo; the crescendo is the building. Hate to get all passive aggressive on you, but this prevalent misuse of crescendo bugs the shit out of me.

    Mar 22, 2010 at 5:27 pm   rating: 29  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Jill Terwilliger

      You should shoot them misusers in thems fucking faces.

      Mar 22, 2010 at 5:31 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   Rahm

      “I particularly enjoy the slow crescendo of this note…”
      Hate to get all passive-aggressive on you, Sra, but it’s SO nice of you to actually read the passage you propose to critique. Niiiice job. Thx Sandra.

      Mar 22, 2010 at 5:46 pm   rating: 58  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.3   AuntyBron

      Well, think of the comments if it had said “…built to a climax…”.

      Just sayin’

      Mar 23, 2010 at 10:51 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.4   Kimberly

      Crescendo can refer to both the gradual increase and also the climax.

      Mar 23, 2010 at 11:02 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.5   GhostWriter bang

      I think I just decided on a new name for my wiener.

      Mar 23, 2010 at 11:16 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.6   Palomon bang

      Oh, Sra-
      (Triple) Fail!
      The way “crescendo” is used in this intro is not necessarily a destination; replace the word with “build up” and find that it is, even by your touchy definition, used correctly.

      The word can be used to mean “climax.” (Thanks, Rahm).

      You are not being “passive-aggressive,” you are being pedantic. And wrong. And bugging the shit out of me.

      Mar 23, 2010 at 11:38 pm   rating: 26  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   gordo

    hahaha i like the part where he said he will shoot them in the fucking face

    Mar 22, 2010 at 5:29 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   GhostWriter bang

      gordo, you’ve GOTTA get Word of the Day for that one.

      Seriously- imagine tomorrow’s Word as gordo’s comment. Are you not smiling? Well then, you have no vision.

      Mar 23, 2010 at 11:54 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   park rose bang

      or you just got shot in the fucking face. In which case, you’ve probably got no vision, either.

      Mar 23, 2010 at 5:55 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   pony girl

    If I worked at the H&R Block across the street, I’d put up a Free Coffee sign.

    Mar 22, 2010 at 5:36 pm   rating: 28  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   infant tyrone bang

      Dāyum, PG, yer a solution machine waitin’ fer a problem to precipitāte.

      An’ as us science types say,
      if ya ain’t part of the solution,
      then yer part of the precipităte.

      I drink a fair amount of coffee already, but if you worked at an H&R Block across the street that had free coffee…well, folks in Costa Rica would be richer…and my taxes would get more complicated than they are now.

      Mar 22, 2010 at 7:16 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.2   pony girl

      Well, shoot, it, it doesn’t have to be precipitated coffee, they could serve drip coffee.

      Mar 22, 2010 at 10:00 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.3   infant tyrone bang

      Now y’all got me so het up on the subject I don’t know where to start:
      1) Would precipitously made coffee be a beverage concocted with water from a Hawaiian roof water catchment system?
      2) If the CIA honcho in the Tom Clancy books makes his Navy-style coffee with Morton’s salt, will it rain in Langley when he pours it ?
      3) On Miracles, when Grace sings “Don’t waste a drop of it” in the background to Marty’s “I had a taste of the real world when I went down on you, girl”, was she making a play on the old Maxwell House slogan “Good to the last drop” ?
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1GfiZKLvkOs
      Aloha, ty

      Mar 22, 2010 at 10:51 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.4   pony girl

      it,

      Yes.

      ;)

      Mar 22, 2010 at 11:07 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   Steven

    It’s pretty sad when people steal from those helping the poor.

    Mar 22, 2010 at 5:39 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   pony girl

      I know right?
      I mean, if they are shut down, where are all the street beggars going to get their cups?

      Mar 22, 2010 at 5:44 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   Steven

      I just don’t think this is one is funny. That’s all I was trying to say.

      Mar 22, 2010 at 5:50 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.3   pony girl

      Life is so short, and so full of tragedy and sorrow. I try to find humor where I can.
      And yes, it is sad that people steal from people who are trying to help the poor.
      Thieves don’t care who they steal from, they’re thieves.

      Mar 22, 2010 at 6:06 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.4   shwonline bang

      PG: Robin Hood cared, and he was the Prince of Thieves. So there.

      Mar 22, 2010 at 6:12 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.5   molly ringwald bang

      yea, they may be helping the poor… until the poor step out of line and get shot in the face.

      Mar 22, 2010 at 6:16 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.6   anglophile bang

      I think it’s pretty sad when people who help the poor suggest the poor rob the business across the street.

      Mar 22, 2010 at 6:49 pm   rating: 33  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.7   matty-wat bang

      Shwonline, so that would make Maid Marion the Appolonia of thieves?

      Mar 22, 2010 at 11:39 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.8   infant tyrone bang

      Unless there was someone in Robin’s life before Marion, I think the remark “Woman, thy name is Vanity” might be more appropriate.

      Mar 23, 2010 at 12:11 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.9   claw71 bang

      Who is helping the poor? The coffee shop? H&R Block? The Department of Defense at Fort Lewis? Or was this just a non sequitur you offered up for an extemporaneous discussion?

      Steven, you seem a bit dickish. I saw your contributions on the other thread and now you’ve decided to take a big old crap in the middle of the new note.

      I just don’t understand why you insist on being such a wet blanket. Go back to reading The Onion, and then telling everybody how you read it in order to validate your capacity for pseudo intellectual humor. I can’t speak for everybody, but I think you suck.

      Mar 23, 2010 at 10:08 am   rating: 31  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.10   Woman on the Verge bang

      Claw, have I told you today that I love you?

      Mar 23, 2010 at 10:35 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.11   claw71 bang

      Now you that have, I can stop clamoring for attention.

      Mar 23, 2010 at 10:57 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.12   anglophile bang

      Steven seems to be a master at building strawmen.

      Mar 23, 2010 at 11:37 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.13   molly ringwald bang

      steven, if money could buy a sense of humor, i’d rob h&r block immediately and buy you one. (don’t worry, they don’t give to the poor).

      Mar 23, 2010 at 12:31 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.14   matt_at_tafe

      Thieves respect property. They merely wish the property to become their property that they may more perfectly respect it.
      ^a good quote that one.

      Mar 24, 2010 at 10:48 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   pony girl

    Wait, so Tillicum is a killer and a thief?

    Mar 22, 2010 at 5:46 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   Rude

    Why do “mom & pops” and non-profits always suggest robbing nearby corporate businesses instead? Granted… they do probably have nicer computers. So there’s that, i guess.

    Mar 22, 2010 at 6:07 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   matty-wat bang

      It’s like the children’s story “The Three Billy Goats Gruff”- Don’t eat me Mr. Troll. I’m just a scrawny little thing. My brother will be coming along soon. He is much bigger and tastier than I am.

      Mar 23, 2010 at 12:56 am   rating: 22  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   G bang

    A coffee shop is a nonprofit? Or are they just whining about how little profit they make?

    Mar 22, 2010 at 6:51 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   anglophile bang

      Are you suggesting supplying our brave veterans with a half-caf soy latte isn’t important work, G?

      Mar 22, 2010 at 7:27 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   Escape Goat

    “… I will shoot you in the fucking face” followed by “Thanks!” simply makes me smile.

    Team Management 4 Eva

    PS: Management=US War Veteran

    Mar 22, 2010 at 6:56 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   Odium

    I can’t tell what a “tillicum thief” is. First I thought a tillicum was like a leprechaun, or a little green gremlin that, in Tacoma culture, is blamed for things that go missing. Then I thought it was a name for people from Tacoma. But then I decided they would be Tacomans or Tacoma-ites (either way, “tacos” for short). Then I thought Tillicum was name of the town adjacent to the base, but there is no town of Tillicum, WA. So I googled it, and it’s apparently the name of a whale.
    What the heck kind of store was this?

    Mar 22, 2010 at 9:04 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   Hillary

      I googled this as well. As it turns out, it’s more than just the name of a whale! Apparently, it is also the name of a Seattle area visitor attraction.
      Thanks, Google!

      Mar 22, 2010 at 9:16 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.2   cherylicious

      Tillicum is also a community in Pierce County, WA. Not much of an attraction, really. :)

      Mar 22, 2010 at 10:46 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.3   Jill Terwilliger

      When the pseudospouse and I got ready to squeeze out a kid, his mother pleaded with us not to move into Tillicum (right outside an Army base – that says it all really) or “the other side of I-5. I’m still not really sure what she was protecting us from there.

      Mar 23, 2010 at 10:08 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.4   claw71 bang

      Hey, Jill, I’m glad it’s working out for you. That’s swell. Just don’t go crying to her when some Tillicum (Seriously, Til I CUM? Why has nobody beaten that to death?) Thief steals your computer or an angry coffee monger shoots you in the fucking face. She tried to warn you, but you didn’t listen. You just kept spreading your legs and forcing her son to have more illegitimate babies with you.

      Mar 23, 2010 at 10:25 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.5   Jill Terwilliger

      Why do you hate babies? My it’s been 8 wonderful years and 12 wonderful baybees! I mean, I ate some because I am embracing my inner feral cat, but the 6…7? left are all DARLLINGS.

      Ur jest jelows that you dint have rug monkies (aside – my first impulse when using that term is to call them “rug munchers”) to play with. Illegemous babies RULZ!

      Mar 23, 2010 at 10:44 am   rating: 31  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.6   anglophile bang

      I think I like you, Jill Terwilliger.

      Mar 23, 2010 at 11:38 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.7   Palomon bang

      JT-
      Can I be one of the three-point-5 men who sire 7-point-five children with you?

      Mar 23, 2010 at 11:29 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #20   cherylicious

    mental picture: someone sleeping on a cot in the coffee shop bathroom with their finger on the trigger. oh wait, that’s not a mental picture. that’s real life.

    Mar 22, 2010 at 10:44 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   infant tyrone bang

      maybe if you emphasized the mental aspect ?

      Mar 22, 2010 at 11:00 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #21   p4w4rr10r bang

    Thief 1: Let’s rob this here coffee shop.
    Thief 2: Yeah, come on, I’ll just break the wind-
    Thief 1: No, wait a minute: this note says he lives in the neighborhood. We don’t steal from locals, remember? The Burglars’ Code?
    Thief 2: You’re right! Let’s try that H&R Block across the street.

    Mar 23, 2010 at 12:49 am   rating: 27  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   katie

    Brilliant. I love it.

    Mar 23, 2010 at 1:47 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   claw71 bang

    First of all, H&R Block doesn’t have better computers. As it turns out, you don’t need a lot of RAM to process those 1040EZs.

    Secondly, the fact that your shitty little coffee shop isn’t making money does not qualify it as a “non-profit”, even the nitwits at H&R Block know that.

    Mar 23, 2010 at 9:52 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #24   aaa bang

    What the hell did the people at H&R Block do to piss off the coffee shop manager to the point of telling burglars to vandalize and steal their property?

    Mar 23, 2010 at 12:28 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   Wordtinker doesnt smith bang

      Does the phrase ‘audit without adequate representation’ ring any bells?

      Mar 23, 2010 at 1:59 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.2   claw71 bang

      I think a lot more people would be pissed off at H&R Block if they realized that they’re basically paying H&R Block to fill out the form and file for the standard deduction.

      Mar 23, 2010 at 2:45 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #25   Sarah

    Passive aggressiveness targeted at tea partiers?

    Mar 24, 2010 at 8:06 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   Meg

    Tillicum is just a neighborhood, part of the City of Lakewood. It is a total shithole. Lots of low income housing and drug use.

    Mar 24, 2010 at 5:13 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   Chris McManus

    Gallant effort sir! Could really feel the anger at the “in the face” moment. Welcome to Tillicum:)

    Mar 24, 2010 at 9:54 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #28   megamen

    Now THAT’S what I call a “poker face”.

    thankss…

    Apr 4, 2010 at 9:02 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #29   GLS

    Ha! Little do they know, it was prob the HR Block employees that were the thieves… it IS tax time, working all those long hours, coffee machine goes down, “oh no! what do we do? I can’t keep typing all these numbers without caffeine!”, “wait, the coffee shop!”, “oh but they’re closed”, the newest member of their team (an ex postal worker no doubt) pulls out a brick/rock/crowbar/whatever and says “they won’t be for long” and so there you go… they get their much-needed coffee as well as a little petty cash that they’ll need to give their manager since they did his taxes for him and got the rebate wrong after telling him it would be much higher than it actually was… hey, it’s plausible! It IS Tillicum after all :)

    Apr 6, 2010 at 1:26 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   Long before dawn

    Doesn’t that qualify as a terroristic threat? And unlike the theft, the police have a pretty clear idea of who did it this time.

    Apr 6, 2010 at 10:29 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #31   Funniest notes of 2010 | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com

    [...] Also, I will shoot you [...]

    Dec 31, 2010 at 12:12 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     

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