Entries from April 2010

Sounds like somebody needs a vacation.

April 30th, 2010 · 78 Comments

Luckily, Liz in Houston convinced her work buddy not to forward this not-at-all-passive Jerry Springer-esque rant to the entire company e-mail list, as originally intended. (Otherwise, work buddy’s much-needed vacation might have turned out to be a permanent one.)

If I catch another one of you getting on our already crammed slow a$ elevators to go down one friggin floor I might lose it. It took me 11 minutes to get to the lobby. Want to know why? Shut up, I'm telling you why. Cause you lazy mother f'ers use it to get from the 21st to the 20th floors.I see you, you aren't even wearing uncomfortable designer shoes, so you have no excuse except that pile of lard you call your a$. I'm watching you...

related: Do your stairs think you’re fat?

extra credit: How not to land an internship [gawker.com]

Tags: all-staff e-mail · elevator · hey fatty · Houston · more aggressive than passive · not so much passive-aggressive · office · pointlessly self-censored profanity

What does “fashion forward” mean to you?

April 29th, 2010 · 95 Comments

When you work in the fashion business — like our submitter, a sales associate at a trendy boutique — being “fashion forward” often translates to just “forward.”

What does Fashion Forward mean to you? I challenge you to ask yourself......Is the outfit your wearing acceptable for hanging out or grocery shopping? If your answer to this is YES this means YOUR UNDERDRESSED! Please remember that this is our business, we are in the fashion business! We are not afraid to be forward in fashion. WE are fashion forward.

Or (like Lisa‘s coworker), straight-up bitchy.

Please — never wear that outfit in my presence or I will explode.

Sometimes (as Rhonda in Boston noticed) working in fashion is somewhat akin to being, say, a life coach.

Please do not have a fit in the fitting room. Your fashion life begins here.

Or, just as likely…a drug counselor.

Hello, We know you are doing coke in the bathroom. Please stop, Jesus loves you. Shamon

related: Yo, sweaty beasts!

Tags: "customer service" · attire · drugs · retail hell · your/you're

I am beautiful, no matter what they say (or passive-aggressively insinuate)

April 28th, 2010 · 143 Comments

Katie in Oklahoma City was cleaning out a box of wedding memorabilia when she rediscovered this note from her mother, written just after she paid for Katie’s wedding dress.

Although I know a lot of brides who would have immediately ripped this card (and the enclosed check) to bits, Katie accepted the gift with impressively good humor. “I found it funny,” she says, “because it’s just the way my Mom is. She signed my Dad’s name too, but it’s from her…just her.”

Dear Katie, You are beautiful now. We are sure you will be a beautiful bride. To help insure our wedding dress investment, please buy some scales of your choosing with this money and weigh yourself once a week. We love you and want you to enjoy your wedding day. This present might help with some of the stress. With love, Mom & Dad

“Oh, and just FYI,” Katie adds, “I think I weighed 115 pounds at the time this note was written.”

related: Loose lips shrink hips?

extra credit: We hope there’s a Borg scale for every bride! [LIFE magazine, 1961]

Tags: "helpful" advice · a little insensitive · hey fatty · Moms & Dads · money · most popular notes of 2010 · Mother-daughter notes · oh no you didn't · Oklahoma · signed with love · weddings and bridezillas

Trash talk

April 27th, 2010 · 93 Comments

I’m sure these ladies thank their lucky stars every day that they have each other as roommates. Wouldn’t you?

YOU LADIES ARE LUCKY IM NOT PETTY Because I could easily SAY

related: Your trash stinks. Grow up, thanks.

Tags: apostrophe abuse · college life · garbage · mean girls · Orlando · roommates · that's disgusting · whiteboard

You burned my feelings

April 26th, 2010 · 206 Comments

One Saturday, John was in the basement watching the end of a football game when his 8-year-old daughter came down to ask when they’d be leaving for the beach. Just another 20 minutes or so, he told her.

“Eventually, the game ended and we went out,” John says. “But when I went to bed that night, I found this note sitting on my pillow. The tragedy of it all, combined with the warning — and offset by the pretty border and the flower — really make for a lovely package.”

Never put nature aside for telivision [sic]. You burned my feelings today, and I am warning you never to do what you did today again.

related: Mad, but not mad enough to forego a French braid

Tags: Father-daughter notes · football · guilt trip · kids · Minneapolis/St. Paul · Moms & Dads · most popular notes of 2010 · TV · warning

So, you think your office fridge stinks?

April 25th, 2010 · 96 Comments

Well, maybe all you need is a little perspective.

Kelly in Dallas spotted this notice at a metaphysical bookstore in Lewisville, Texas. Apparently, she says, the last time the fridge was defrosted, “they discovered several owl carcasses that were being stored there by the store’s resident Native American healer guy.” (Be careful, this fridge scares easily.)

DO NOT Approach Refridgerator [sic] with knives, screwdrivers or other sharp objects.  NOT for carcass storage  Thank you!

Meanwhile, Belinda assures us that both bunny and cow parts were indeed claimed by her coworkers before the boss’s deadline. (“Only in Wisconsin!” she says.)

To whomever:  Please remove the Rabbit carcasses and Beef livers from this freezer. They will be removed and disposed of if not taken home by this Friday; April 23rd. What's wrong with some people??

If you’ve ever seen the TV show Mythbusters, you won’t find this fridge note from their set too surprising…

No rancid pig tongues; No human body parts filled with noodles

But Becky in Portland, Oregon was definitely surprised when she discovered the warning on the hospital breakroom’s freezer door wasn’t a non sequitur.

Peeled bananas in the freezer = gross!

related: The bathroom-stall booger epidemic

Tags: fridge · odor · office fridge · WTF?

Passive-Aggressive Kitchen-Sink Poetry

April 23rd, 2010 · 115 Comments

So, which of these cutesy little rhymes is least likely to make you stab yourself in the eye?

Exhibit a) from an office break room in Atlanta, Georgia?

Their Sink, My Sink, Your Sink It's against our wishes if you soak your dishes cause the sink's not a soaking place. Quick! Scrub 'em clean-make 'em really gleam. Watch a 'thank you!' smile appear on every face. So don't walk away- don't soak it- just clean it! (Wash it right now! You can finish in a minute!) Cause it's not just your sink, it's their sink and my sink. Please be considerate.  Don't clutter the sink by leaving your items to soak. THANK YOU!

Exhibit b) from a college dorm suite in Winston-Salem, North Carolina?

A Poem  Wash your dishes It's not that hard You weren't born in a barn Or a stable, or a yard  The sink is too small To have dishes build up It's really not complicated  To wash a small cup  Your housemates aren't your servants Or your keepers, or your mothers Those who wash their own things Needn't worry about the others  When there's only one of something Please keep that in your mind In the sink and dirty Makes things really hard to find  We know we love each other That's nothing to deny So wash your freaking dishes Or I'll stab you in the eye :)

Or — smiley-face-free! — exhibit c) from a share house full of frat boys in Los Angeles?

Please be a dear and do your dishes here for if you do not, the house will be wrought with people dismayed by the mass that's displayed and hence are not able  to dine at the table for lack of clean wishes  restricts their good wishes

Still there? If so, you probably need a palate-cleanser after all those cringe-worthy couplets, so I’ll leave you with this delicate haiku from an office in Washington, D.C.

Soaking Cup Haiku  Dried flecks of cat food Circling the rim of the cup Oh - it's your oatmeal.

related: Scatological Poetry Slam

Tags: Atlanta · clip art catastrophe · college life · D.C. · dishes · office · pure poetry · rainbow-colored · roommates · smiley · TL;DR · Winston-Salem

Nobody likes electric hand dryers…even on Earth Day.

April 22nd, 2010 · 159 Comments

When Sarah saw this notice posted in the restroom of a Chicago movie theater, she says, “I was thrilled to find a company willing to admit what I have always secretly felt: that despite their tree-saving abilities, electric hand dryers suck.”

ELECTRIC HAND DRYERS No, we don't like them either, but they are the most energy efficient, and environment friendly choice  Thank You, Cinema Management

Scott was also thrilled to spot this sign in the men’s room of a bar in Council Bluffs, Iowa. “It’s mainly the incredibly bad spelling and punctuation that I love about it,” he says. (The less-than-incredible attempt to drum up excitement for those “fast and new hand blowers”?  Not so much.)

Sorry, but we will not be useing [sic] paper towels From now on. There is Fast + New HAND BLOWER'S [sic] Thank you

related: And a very happy Earth Day to you!

extra credit: Air Hand Dryers May Leave Bacteria on Hands, Says Study [greendaily.com]

Tags: bathroom · energy usage · spelling and grammar police · The Earth · washing your hands

¡Bienvenido! Mi casa no es su casa.

April 21st, 2010 · 183 Comments

“I pass this billboard every day on my way home from work,” says our submitter from Tennessee. “Apparently, some tax breaks were given for Volkswagen to build a plant here in Chattanooga, which will eventually bring thousands of jobs to this area. This group is upset that not EVERYONE who is involved in constructing the plant was born in the United States.”

Tennessee welcomes all the workers from OTHER COUNTRIES who are building the Volkswagen plant.   We hope you enjoy those jobs...BECAUSE WE PAID FOR THEM!

A side note from Ana in Guatemala (fifth flag from the left): “Guatemala is a very beautiful — albeit dangerous — country. Crime rates are through the roof, but in this small American-run inn, hope prevails…mostly.”

BIENVENIDO WELCOME Please leave your your bags here.. They are 99.9% safe BUT... We do not accept responsibility

related: America the not-so-beautiful

Tags: "customer service" · casual xenophobia · Espanol · Guatemala · politics · sarcasm · Tennessee

Wigging out, daycare-style

April 20th, 2010 · 110 Comments

“My 1-year-old likes to play with hair when she’s sleepy,” writes Michelle in Columbia, South Carolina…a habit which apparently didn’t go over so well at day care with the fair-haired Ms. Linda. [Hahahaha RAGE BLACKOUT emoticon!!!!]

Look Mom and Dad. I pulled out Ms. Linda's hair. Now we have to buy her a wig. :-)

related: We talked about the “stabbing” incident yesterday.

Tags: Columbia · guilt trip · hair · kids · Moms & Dads · oh no you didn't · South Carolina · visual aids