(use side door)

April 2nd, 2010 · 68 comments

Ready for Easter, Christians of the world? Well, we’ve just got a bit of Holy Week housekeeping to take care of first.

ATTENTION - ALTAR GUILD  Please pour unused wine on ground outside (use side door). Pastor has requested that it be disposed of in this manner, because it is the consecrated blood of Jesus Christ. IT SHOULD NOT BE POURED IN THE SINK.

We will be opening at 2:00pm on... Sundays!!! (Go to church.) Thanks, Mama Kim

And a Good Friday to you!

related: The Easter Bunny is so passive-aggressive

FILED UNDER: Jesus


68 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Aksijuice

    Does this mean last night I was drinking the consecrated blood of Christ, as well? Turns out that stuff doesn’t feel so nice the next morning. Shoulda sinked it!

    Apr 2, 2010 at 11:58 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   park rose bang

      Depends upon whether the bartender moonlighted as a priest or not.

      Apr 2, 2010 at 12:02 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   Aksijuice

      I could see it.

      Apr 2, 2010 at 12:22 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   park rose bang

      Drinking dead people helps you see dead people, or alternatively, helps you rise from the dead. Hangovers are a bitch, ain’t they?

      Apr 2, 2010 at 12:31 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.4   claw71 bang

      yeah, he blessed it with roofies. You’ll be feeling worse when you see that video of the kitchen staff taking turns on you in the wine cellar.

      Apr 2, 2010 at 1:22 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.5   Jonathan

      Which door did the kitchen staff use, claw?

      Apr 2, 2010 at 1:52 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.6   Canthz_B bang

      I suspect they used the back door…and used it, and used it, and…

      Apr 2, 2010 at 7:46 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.7   matty-wat

      I thought it, but you said it CB. “Have some more Jesus juice, boy!”

      Apr 3, 2010 at 12:50 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.8   farcical aquatic ceremony

      eeeew, but “side door” would have to be some kinda colostomy thing…now THAT’s an unholy fetish.

      Apr 3, 2010 at 9:57 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.9   infant tyrone bang

      Be nicer to the folks with colostomies, please ?
      Just imagine their ongoing fashion anxiety and frustration,
      it’s never easy to find shoes to match the bag….

      Apr 4, 2010 at 12:51 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   oi bang

    What?! you don’t see logic in the first note? a little baby knows that it’s rude to pour god’s son’s blood in a sink with common garbage. side walk is so much better it’s not like people walk on the side walks…

    psst! it’s coming from priest, you know. There is no place for logic in god fearing world. nope no way.

    Apr 2, 2010 at 12:05 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   park rose bang

      Over the teeth, past the gums, look out liver cirrhosis, here it comes!

      A teetotaller priest?
      Who would’ve thunk it?
      In the old days,
      The priest would’ve drunk it.

      Apr 2, 2010 at 12:10 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   GhostWriter bang

      Drinking the consecrated blood of Jesus won’t get you wasted. I’ve tried it at a barbeque before; it’s more like an O’Doul’s than like red wine. You get to hang around with the other partiers, chalice in hand, feeling all grown-up; “Hey, check me out- I’m drinking the consecrated blood of Jesus and I’ve still got my edge!”

      Apr 2, 2010 at 12:27 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.3   park rose bang

      I bet you were stigmata-ised, though. And that edge? It’s called a halo.

      Apr 2, 2010 at 12:30 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.4   chefgrrl

      Of course, the chalice does make a bangin’ pimp cup.

      Apr 2, 2010 at 12:58 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.5   BobThebuilder

      Most catholic churches (or any other religion that also believes in the consecration), that were built as churches, have a special sink in the rectory who’s drain goes directly into the ground instead of the sewer. it’s only used for disposal of unused “wine”

      Apr 2, 2010 at 1:32 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.6   dj ottershop

      When I was a Catholic, the priests always seemed to polish off the Jesus juice themselves.

      Apr 2, 2010 at 1:50 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.7   RC

      “When I was a Catholic” is not possible. You are a recovering Catholic.

      Apr 3, 2010 at 8:27 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.8   aaa bang

      Only if you believe like the Church does that once they’ve got a hold of you, you’re theirs forever. Since I don’t operate on the terms of organizations I don’t believe in, I think “former Catholic, current nihilist” is a good enough description. Of course, I can’t speak for dj ottershop.

      Apr 3, 2010 at 10:45 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   park rose bang

    I like the sanguine nature of these notes, though if too many more were posted, the sentiment might wear wafer-thin.

    Apr 2, 2010 at 12:07 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   not gen anything

      Monsieur, a wafer thin mint.

      Apr 2, 2010 at 10:37 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   Fiona

    What a sinner… They’re not supposed to even operate on a Sunday. Blaspheme.

    Apr 2, 2010 at 12:11 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   TheOldSchool

      I know. Why can’t these churches realize that Sunday is supposed to be special?

      Apr 2, 2010 at 12:29 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   Gunderson

    I used to do World of Warcraft raids with the Altar Guild. A bunch of whiny loot whores, the lot of them.

    Apr 2, 2010 at 12:11 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

     
  • #6   oi bang

    unused booze? now that’s the biggest blasphemy of all!
    I cry apocalypse!

    Apr 2, 2010 at 12:14 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   Michelle

    I was an alter server (apparently they were hard up for boys) and we had a “special drain” to pour the unused wine into, not that there ever was any thanks to the priest. But it was separate from the regular drain. Maybe they recycled it for the next mass.

    Apr 2, 2010 at 12:14 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Hirayuki

      In our church, the servers, sacristans, and anyone else involved just drinks the leftovers (although there usually isn’t much–they’re good at estimating how much to consecrate for each Mass). It must be more respectful than dumping it out onto the ground.

      Apr 2, 2010 at 12:33 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   Will

      The special drain is the sacrarium, which drains to earth rather than to a sewer or septic system. If this is a Catholic church, the pastor’s falling down on the job. He’s supposed to be purifying the vessels after mass, and he’s required to consume any remaining Precious Blood prior to rinsing the chalice at the sacrarium.

      Apr 2, 2010 at 12:37 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.3   MarathonMom

      The Catholics need to just give up the franchise. Pedophiles and now this. sheesh.

      Apr 2, 2010 at 1:09 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.4   claw71 bang

      It makes sense, if you can’t keep NAMBLA out of the church, just put the boys and their tasty bits out of reach.

      Apr 2, 2010 at 1:24 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.5   Languagegeek

      Vampires, cannibals, and hypocrites!

      And just BTW — I LOVE the pagan way Easter Sunday is determined: first Sunday after the first full moon after the Vernal Equinox. And pouring the wine onto the ground so Mother Earth gets it. Well, blood makes the grass grow…

      Apr 2, 2010 at 3:09 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.6   Jonathan

      Isn’t it awesome? Wonder where Microsoft learned “embrace and extend” from.

      Apr 2, 2010 at 4:29 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.7   Z

      Because Easter is as Pagan as it gets. Christians took Pagan holidays and rituals and used this to make the people a little more likely to go Christian is the big switcharoo that one emperor did. Ol whats his name.,

      Apr 2, 2010 at 4:42 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.8   Will

      Easter is calculated the way it is because it piggybacks on the Jewish holiday of Passover, not a pagan holiday. Christ’s Passion occurred during Passover, therefore Easter’s date is calculated to occur on a Sunday during Passover.

      Apr 4, 2010 at 10:53 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   brandine

    You probably needn’t even bother drinking any. Just pour a little on the sidewalk for your departed homie, Jesus.

    Apr 2, 2010 at 12:21 pm   rating: 27  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   TheOldSchool

    Why don’t they take the unused stuff to the local blood bank?

    Apr 2, 2010 at 12:26 pm   rating: 28  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   GhostWriter bang

    “Pastor James, look at these dandelions by the side door. On Friday, I weedwhacked them to within an inch of their lives, I wrapped some thorny branches around the flowertops, I jammed a spade right into their roots, and covered them up with a rock. Well, I’ll be damned if the rock wasn’t rolled away and the flowers were in full majestic bloom on Sunday morning!”

    Apr 2, 2010 at 12:33 pm   rating: 35  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   aaa bang

    Dude, at my painting studio, fucking paint thinner and paper towels get treated with more fucking respect than that wine does. Granted, it’s because paint thinner is flammable and an organic solvent and has to go in special receptacles, but Jeezy Creezy, they couldn’t at least come up with fanciful receptacles or a special wine-disposing ritual if that wine meant so much to them? *headdesk*

    Apr 2, 2010 at 12:41 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   much to my chagrin

      Don’t take my name in vain, Dad! …And don’t call me Jeezy Creezy!

      Apr 2, 2010 at 1:05 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   Languagegeek

      LOL!

      Executive transvestite FTW!

      Apr 2, 2010 at 3:10 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.3   Z

      I said, drink this wine it is my…favorite!

      God how I love Eddie.

      Apr 2, 2010 at 4:43 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   aaa bang

    Hey, 2 pm is exactly when I get off work on Sundays! How ’bout that?

    P.S. You have to have an parenthesis at the beginning somewhere if you want to have one at the end.)

    Apr 2, 2010 at 12:43 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   oi bang

      and 2 pm is exactly when I force my-hungover-self to get up on…
      sundays!!!
      P. S. there is a weak, after thought orange parenthesis in the begining.

      Apr 2, 2010 at 12:54 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   aaa bang

      Um, +1 point for realizing they fucked up the punctuation. -100 points for making it nigh impossible to see.

      Apr 2, 2010 at 1:27 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   matt

    well, its been a while since i’ve gone to church, but when i was younger i remember reading a similar sign on the wall of the altar guild’s room. i think it is supposed to be more respectful to return the wine to the earth than pour it down a drain (which goes to the sewers).

    Apr 2, 2010 at 12:49 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   shwonline bang

    So you pour the wine on the ground, where eventually it percolates down to the water table, from which the community eventually draws their drinking water. Before too long, everybody’s Catholic!

    Apr 2, 2010 at 12:57 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   park rose bang

      Everybody’s Christ.

      Apr 2, 2010 at 1:29 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   matt

      i’m not sure about Catholics, this was a Lutheran church. i’m a big ol’ mo now so i can’t really go find out if that rationale is correct or not haha.

      Apr 2, 2010 at 2:02 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   claw71 bang

    God: Jesus! Get in here right now, me damn it.

    Jesus: What’s crack-a-lackin, daddio?

    God: Look at this! (gestures to mounds of pius poop, wads of blessed toilet paper and packs of sanctified sewer rats.)

    Jesus: Me, Mom, and stupid, not-my-real-dad-but-tried-to-act-like-it guy who dipped your sloppies!!!! What the holy hell is this?

    God: I figured you’d have an explanation.

    Jesus: Hello? You’re THE LORD. You know all, pops, so why don’t you tell me what it is?

    God: Don’t get wise with me, boy, I’ll send you back down there and let the Muslims crucify you this time. If you thought the Jews were testy, wait until those camel jockeys get their mitts on you.

    Jesus: Camel Jockeys? Dude, that’s so uncool.

    God: Thou shalt not be PC!

    Jesus: Whatevs, dude.

    God: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?

    Jesus: er…’dad’. I said ‘whatever, dad.’

    God: I thought you called me ‘dude’.

    Jesus: No sir. Not me not at all. (gives God the finger behind his back)

    God: Well, there are some things even I can’t explain and piles of shit in heaven are one of them. Do you know what this will do for Satan? What would you rather do, burn in a fiery lake for eternity with AC/DC and Pamela Anderson or wade through raw sewage with ass clowns like John Tesh and Billy Graham?

    Jesus: Isn’t boinking Pamela Anderson like sticking your staff in a fiery lake that just about every rock star in the last 30 years was swimming in?

    God: Yeah, but she has a great rack, so what are you going to do?

    Jesus: Man, I do love those silicone implants. So firm, so round and they never sag.

    God: True dat. Perfection. Anyway, about this poop…

    Jesus: (rummaging through a mound of feces) I found this! (a flyer for casino night at Our Lady of Petty Scolding in Erie, Pa.)

    God: That’s Pastor, James O’Boyles church! And I didn’t see a dime from that casino night.

    Jesus: Like you ever do.

    God: Do you think, oh my me, that they’re dumping your blood in the toilet?

    Jesus: Man, that’s some fucked up shit!

    God: I’ll have to have send him a sign.

    Jesus: (tasting his finger) Yuck! Could you tell him to spring for a better bottle of wine? This Crane Lake Merlot is awful. It tastes like shit.

    Apr 2, 2010 at 1:19 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   Lulu

      Thanks for the Claw!!!!

      Apr 2, 2010 at 2:16 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.2   Gravity's Rambo

      lolwut?

      Apr 2, 2010 at 2:59 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.3   Fuschia Grown

      Nah man, they sag. They just sag with preternatural roundness, surprised-looking eyes flanking a tiny navel nose.

      Apr 2, 2010 at 4:31 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.4   ArfArf

      God: true dat

      LOL

      Apr 5, 2010 at 1:59 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   RP

    How long before a post-it with the word “No” gets placed below the “Go to church” part of the second sign?

    The second photo looks like it’s on the window of a restaurant. Why would they assume that all of their customers are Christians? Was it just supposed to be funny?

    Apr 2, 2010 at 1:25 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   G bang

      As far as I’ve seen, any one that fervent about their religion tends to assume that everyone is the same religion. Or else you’re just deluded, and that they can convince you that you ARE a member of that religion if they try hard enough.

      Apr 2, 2010 at 5:39 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.2   Jennifer

      Mama Kim is like a grandmother to all the kids at College of Charleston. Everyone loves her so much that I doubt any locals would take offense. She rocks (and makes a mean chicken bowl!)

      Apr 3, 2010 at 5:15 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.3   RP

      @Jennifer: The context helps. Thanks.

      Apr 5, 2010 at 12:29 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   Rebekah

    Everyone knows that the most inappropriate vessel for the Sacred Blood of Jesus is church plumbing systems… hello!?!?!

    Apr 2, 2010 at 1:29 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   vmspionage

    Bert Banana: You don’t have a monkey wrench, do you?
    Tammy Tangerine: Bert, I know what you’re thinking and…
    Bert Banana: What, I’m not going to dismantle the pipes and drink from the U-trap. Heh…that’s what an animal does! (Mortimer turns on faucet)
    Bert Banana: Dammit, Mortimer, you’re diluting it!

    Apr 2, 2010 at 3:21 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   Canthz_B bang

    Well, there goes the water table.

    Apr 2, 2010 at 8:00 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   Canthz_B bang

    I don’t care whose blood you say it is, I’m not drinking any unless it’s been screened for hepatitis C.

    Apr 3, 2010 at 1:59 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   Canthz_B bang

    My church’s congregation is so small…there’s a BYOB (bring your own blood) policy in place.

    Apr 3, 2010 at 2:02 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   Jennifer

    Yay Mama Kim! I have loved that note since Mama Kim hung it. She’s like the quintessential passive-aggressive adoptive grandmother to all the kids at College of Charleston, and she makes a mean chicken bowl.

    Apr 3, 2010 at 5:13 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   cofcstudent

      yes! i was just about to comment and say how excited i was to see a sign that i see all the time!!!! ohhh mama kims.. helping hungover cofc students one at a time… and those coupons in the campus saver coupon books don’t hurt either. thanks whoever sent this in!!

      Apr 6, 2010 at 1:13 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   mickeyc

    ATTENTION – ALTAR BOYS

    Please wait outside on ground (unclothed). Pastor has requested that no whining about any activities that may occur, for Jesus Christ’s sake.

    GOING TO THE AUTHORITIES IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN.

    Apr 4, 2010 at 7:38 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #24   Nan

    Of course, pouring the wine out on the ground is a very Pagan thing to do -returning it to the Mother Earth Goddess and all that.

    Apr 5, 2010 at 3:30 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   Sara

    Haha! I live in Charleston (where the submitter snapped that picture from Mama Kim’s), and boy howdy, they take church so seriously around here that, on Easter, they closed the mall. The ENTIRE mall!

    Apr 12, 2010 at 1:54 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   Shaydie

    Can’t he just wave his arms and “unbless” it afterward so it’s just wine again?

    Apr 21, 2010 at 11:23 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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