Ready for Easter, Christians of the world? Well, we’ve just got a bit of Holy Week housekeeping to take care of first.
And a Good Friday to you!
related: The Easter Bunny is so passive-aggressive
(use side door)
April 2nd, 2010 · 68 comments
FILED UNDER: Jesus
68 responses so far ↓
#1
Aksijuice
Does this mean last night I was drinking the consecrated blood of Christ, as well? Turns out that stuff doesn’t feel so nice the next morning. Shoulda sinked it!
Apr 2, 2010 at 11:58 am rating: 1
#2
oi
What?! you don’t see logic in the first note? a little baby knows that it’s rude to pour god’s son’s blood in a sink with common garbage. side walk is so much better it’s not like people walk on the side walks…
psst! it’s coming from priest, you know. There is no place for logic in god fearing world. nope no way.
Apr 2, 2010 at 12:05 pm rating: 6
#3
park rose
I like the sanguine nature of these notes, though if too many more were posted, the sentiment might wear wafer-thin.
Apr 2, 2010 at 12:07 pm rating: 15
#4
Fiona
What a sinner… They’re not supposed to even operate on a Sunday. Blaspheme.
Apr 2, 2010 at 12:11 pm rating: 4
#5
Gunderson
I used to do World of Warcraft raids with the Altar Guild. A bunch of whiny loot whores, the lot of them.
Apr 2, 2010 at 12:11 pm rating: 21
#6
oi
unused booze? now that’s the biggest blasphemy of all!
I cry apocalypse!
Apr 2, 2010 at 12:14 pm rating: 9
#7
Michelle
I was an alter server (apparently they were hard up for boys) and we had a “special drain” to pour the unused wine into, not that there ever was any thanks to the priest. But it was separate from the regular drain. Maybe they recycled it for the next mass.
Apr 2, 2010 at 12:14 pm rating: 3
#8
brandine
You probably needn’t even bother drinking any. Just pour a little on the sidewalk for your departed homie, Jesus.
Apr 2, 2010 at 12:21 pm rating: 27
#9
TheOldSchool
Why don’t they take the unused stuff to the local blood bank?
Apr 2, 2010 at 12:26 pm rating: 27
#10
GhostWriter
“Pastor James, look at these dandelions by the side door. On Friday, I weedwhacked them to within an inch of their lives, I wrapped some thorny branches around the flowertops, I jammed a spade right into their roots, and covered them up with a rock. Well, I’ll be damned if the rock wasn’t rolled away and the flowers were in full majestic bloom on Sunday morning!”
Apr 2, 2010 at 12:33 pm rating: 34
#11
aaa
Dude, at my painting studio, fucking paint thinner and paper towels get treated with more fucking respect than that wine does. Granted, it’s because paint thinner is flammable and an organic solvent and has to go in special receptacles, but Jeezy Creezy, they couldn’t at least come up with fanciful receptacles or a special wine-disposing ritual if that wine meant so much to them? *headdesk*
Apr 2, 2010 at 12:41 pm rating: 3
#12
aaa
Hey, 2 pm is exactly when I get off work on Sundays! How ’bout that?
P.S. You have to have an parenthesis at the beginning somewhere if you want to have one at the end.)
Apr 2, 2010 at 12:43 pm rating: 4
#13
matt
well, its been a while since i’ve gone to church, but when i was younger i remember reading a similar sign on the wall of the altar guild’s room. i think it is supposed to be more respectful to return the wine to the earth than pour it down a drain (which goes to the sewers).
Apr 2, 2010 at 12:49 pm rating: 2
#14
shwonline
So you pour the wine on the ground, where eventually it percolates down to the water table, from which the community eventually draws their drinking water. Before too long, everybody’s Catholic!
Apr 2, 2010 at 12:57 pm rating: 9
#15
claw71
God: Jesus! Get in here right now, me damn it.
Jesus: What’s crack-a-lackin, daddio?
God: Look at this! (gestures to mounds of pius poop, wads of blessed toilet paper and packs of sanctified sewer rats.)
Jesus: Me, Mom, and stupid, not-my-real-dad-but-tried-to-act-like-it guy who dipped your sloppies!!!! What the holy hell is this?
God: I figured you’d have an explanation.
Jesus: Hello? You’re THE LORD. You know all, pops, so why don’t you tell me what it is?
God: Don’t get wise with me, boy, I’ll send you back down there and let the Muslims crucify you this time. If you thought the Jews were testy, wait until those camel jockeys get their mitts on you.
Jesus: Camel Jockeys? Dude, that’s so uncool.
God: Thou shalt not be PC!
Jesus: Whatevs, dude.
God: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?
Jesus: er…’dad’. I said ‘whatever, dad.’
God: I thought you called me ‘dude’.
Jesus: No sir. Not me not at all. (gives God the finger behind his back)
God: Well, there are some things even I can’t explain and piles of shit in heaven are one of them. Do you know what this will do for Satan? What would you rather do, burn in a fiery lake for eternity with AC/DC and Pamela Anderson or wade through raw sewage with ass clowns like John Tesh and Billy Graham?
Jesus: Isn’t boinking Pamela Anderson like sticking your staff in a fiery lake that just about every rock star in the last 30 years was swimming in?
God: Yeah, but she has a great rack, so what are you going to do?
Jesus: Man, I do love those silicone implants. So firm, so round and they never sag.
God: True dat. Perfection. Anyway, about this poop…
Jesus: (rummaging through a mound of feces) I found this! (a flyer for casino night at Our Lady of Petty Scolding in Erie, Pa.)
God: That’s Pastor, James O’Boyles church! And I didn’t see a dime from that casino night.
Jesus: Like you ever do.
God: Do you think, oh my me, that they’re dumping your blood in the toilet?
Jesus: Man, that’s some fucked up shit!
God: I’ll have to have send him a sign.
Jesus: (tasting his finger) Yuck! Could you tell him to spring for a better bottle of wine? This Crane Lake Merlot is awful. It tastes like shit.
Apr 2, 2010 at 1:19 pm rating: 20
#16
RP
How long before a post-it with the word “No” gets placed below the “Go to church” part of the second sign?
The second photo looks like it’s on the window of a restaurant. Why would they assume that all of their customers are Christians? Was it just supposed to be funny?
Apr 2, 2010 at 1:25 pm rating: 3
#17
Rebekah
Everyone knows that the most inappropriate vessel for the Sacred Blood of Jesus is church plumbing systems… hello!?!?!
Apr 2, 2010 at 1:29 pm rating: 2
#18
vmspionage
Bert Banana: You don’t have a monkey wrench, do you?
Tammy Tangerine: Bert, I know what you’re thinking and…
Bert Banana: What, I’m not going to dismantle the pipes and drink from the U-trap. Heh…that’s what an animal does! (Mortimer turns on faucet)
Bert Banana: Dammit, Mortimer, you’re diluting it!
Apr 2, 2010 at 3:21 pm rating: 2
#19
Canthz_B
Well, there goes the water table.
Apr 2, 2010 at 8:00 pm rating: 4
#20
Canthz_B
I don’t care whose blood you say it is, I’m not drinking any unless it’s been screened for hepatitis C.
Apr 3, 2010 at 1:59 am rating: 2
#21
Canthz_B
My church’s congregation is so small…there’s a BYOB (bring your own blood) policy in place.
Apr 3, 2010 at 2:02 am rating: 2
#22
Jennifer
Yay Mama Kim! I have loved that note since Mama Kim hung it. She’s like the quintessential passive-aggressive adoptive grandmother to all the kids at College of Charleston, and she makes a mean chicken bowl.
Apr 3, 2010 at 5:13 pm rating: 2
#23
mickeyc
ATTENTION – ALTAR BOYS
Please wait outside on ground (unclothed). Pastor has requested that no whining about any activities that may occur, for Jesus Christ’s sake.
GOING TO THE AUTHORITIES IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN.
Apr 4, 2010 at 7:38 pm rating: 1
#24
Nan
Of course, pouring the wine out on the ground is a very Pagan thing to do -returning it to the Mother Earth Goddess and all that.
Apr 5, 2010 at 3:30 am rating: 0
#25
Sara
Haha! I live in Charleston (where the submitter snapped that picture from Mama Kim’s), and boy howdy, they take church so seriously around here that, on Easter, they closed the mall. The ENTIRE mall!
Apr 12, 2010 at 1:54 am rating: 0
#26
Shaydie
Can’t he just wave his arms and “unbless” it afterward so it’s just wine again?
Apr 21, 2010 at 11:23 am rating: 0
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