Ready for Easter, Christians of the world? Well, we’ve just got a bit of Holy Week housekeeping to take care of first.
And a Good Friday to you!
related: The Easter Bunny is so passive-aggressive
FILED UNDER: Jesus
Does this mean last night I was drinking the consecrated blood of Christ, as well? Turns out that stuff doesn’t feel so nice the next morning. Shoulda sinked it!
Apr 2, 2010 at 11:58 am rating: 1
Depends upon whether the bartender moonlighted as a priest or not.
Apr 2, 2010 at 12:02 pm rating: 6
I could see it.
Apr 2, 2010 at 12:22 pm rating: 0
Drinking dead people helps you see dead people, or alternatively, helps you rise from the dead. Hangovers are a bitch, ain’t they?
Apr 2, 2010 at 12:31 pm rating: 2
yeah, he blessed it with roofies. You’ll be feeling worse when you see that video of the kitchen staff taking turns on you in the wine cellar.
Apr 2, 2010 at 1:22 pm rating: 10
Which door did the kitchen staff use, claw?
Apr 2, 2010 at 1:52 pm rating: 9
I suspect they used the back door…and used it, and used it, and…
Apr 2, 2010 at 7:46 pm rating: 4
I thought it, but you said it CB. “Have some more Jesus juice, boy!”
Apr 3, 2010 at 12:50 am rating: 2
farcical aquatic ceremony
eeeew, but “side door” would have to be some kinda colostomy thing…now THAT’s an unholy fetish.
Apr 3, 2010 at 9:57 pm rating: 2
Be nicer to the folks with colostomies, please ?
Just imagine their ongoing fashion anxiety and frustration,
it’s never easy to find shoes to match the bag….
Apr 4, 2010 at 12:51 am rating: 3
What?! you don’t see logic in the first note? a little baby knows that it’s rude to pour god’s son’s blood in a sink with common garbage. side walk is so much better it’s not like people walk on the side walks…
psst! it’s coming from priest, you know. There is no place for logic in god fearing world. nope no way.
Apr 2, 2010 at 12:05 pm rating: 6
Over the teeth, past the gums, look out liver cirrhosis, here it comes!
A teetotaller priest?
Who would’ve thunk it?
In the old days,
The priest would’ve drunk it.
Apr 2, 2010 at 12:10 pm rating: 19
Drinking the consecrated blood of Jesus won’t get you wasted. I’ve tried it at a barbeque before; it’s more like an O’Doul’s than like red wine. You get to hang around with the other partiers, chalice in hand, feeling all grown-up; “Hey, check me out- I’m drinking the consecrated blood of Jesus and I’ve still got my edge!”
Apr 2, 2010 at 12:27 pm rating: 8
I bet you were stigmata-ised, though. And that edge? It’s called a halo.
Apr 2, 2010 at 12:30 pm rating: 9
Of course, the chalice does make a bangin’ pimp cup.
Apr 2, 2010 at 12:58 pm rating: 14
Most catholic churches (or any other religion that also believes in the consecration), that were built as churches, have a special sink in the rectory who’s drain goes directly into the ground instead of the sewer. it’s only used for disposal of unused “wine”
Apr 2, 2010 at 1:32 pm rating: 6
When I was a Catholic, the priests always seemed to polish off the Jesus juice themselves.
Apr 2, 2010 at 1:50 pm rating: 9
“When I was a Catholic” is not possible. You are a recovering Catholic.
Apr 3, 2010 at 8:27 am rating: 8
Only if you believe like the Church does that once they’ve got a hold of you, you’re theirs forever. Since I don’t operate on the terms of organizations I don’t believe in, I think “former Catholic, current nihilist” is a good enough description. Of course, I can’t speak for dj ottershop.
Apr 3, 2010 at 10:45 am rating: 6
I like the sanguine nature of these notes, though if too many more were posted, the sentiment might wear wafer-thin.
Apr 2, 2010 at 12:07 pm rating: 15
not gen anything
Monsieur, a wafer thin mint.
Apr 2, 2010 at 10:37 pm rating: 6
What a sinner… They’re not supposed to even operate on a Sunday. Blaspheme.
Apr 2, 2010 at 12:11 pm rating: 4
I know. Why can’t these churches realize that Sunday is supposed to be special?
Apr 2, 2010 at 12:29 pm rating: 2
I used to do World of Warcraft raids with the Altar Guild. A bunch of whiny loot whores, the lot of them.
Apr 2, 2010 at 12:11 pm rating: 21
unused booze? now that’s the biggest blasphemy of all!
I cry apocalypse!
Apr 2, 2010 at 12:14 pm rating: 9
I was an alter server (apparently they were hard up for boys) and we had a “special drain” to pour the unused wine into, not that there ever was any thanks to the priest. But it was separate from the regular drain. Maybe they recycled it for the next mass.
Apr 2, 2010 at 12:14 pm rating: 3
In our church, the servers, sacristans, and anyone else involved just drinks the leftovers (although there usually isn’t much–they’re good at estimating how much to consecrate for each Mass). It must be more respectful than dumping it out onto the ground.
Apr 2, 2010 at 12:33 pm rating: 4
The special drain is the sacrarium, which drains to earth rather than to a sewer or septic system. If this is a Catholic church, the pastor’s falling down on the job. He’s supposed to be purifying the vessels after mass, and he’s required to consume any remaining Precious Blood prior to rinsing the chalice at the sacrarium.
Apr 2, 2010 at 12:37 pm rating: 20
The Catholics need to just give up the franchise. Pedophiles and now this. sheesh.
Apr 2, 2010 at 1:09 pm rating: 5
It makes sense, if you can’t keep NAMBLA out of the church, just put the boys and their tasty bits out of reach.
Apr 2, 2010 at 1:24 pm rating: 4
Vampires, cannibals, and hypocrites!
And just BTW — I LOVE the pagan way Easter Sunday is determined: first Sunday after the first full moon after the Vernal Equinox. And pouring the wine onto the ground so Mother Earth gets it. Well, blood makes the grass grow…
Apr 2, 2010 at 3:09 pm rating: 8
Isn’t it awesome? Wonder where Microsoft learned “embrace and extend” from.
Apr 2, 2010 at 4:29 pm rating: 0
Because Easter is as Pagan as it gets. Christians took Pagan holidays and rituals and used this to make the people a little more likely to go Christian is the big switcharoo that one emperor did. Ol whats his name.,
Apr 2, 2010 at 4:42 pm rating: 2
Easter is calculated the way it is because it piggybacks on the Jewish holiday of Passover, not a pagan holiday. Christ’s Passion occurred during Passover, therefore Easter’s date is calculated to occur on a Sunday during Passover.
Apr 4, 2010 at 10:53 am rating: 2
You probably needn’t even bother drinking any. Just pour a little on the sidewalk for your departed homie, Jesus.
Apr 2, 2010 at 12:21 pm rating: 27
Why don’t they take the unused stuff to the local blood bank?
Apr 2, 2010 at 12:26 pm rating: 28
“Pastor James, look at these dandelions by the side door. On Friday, I weedwhacked them to within an inch of their lives, I wrapped some thorny branches around the flowertops, I jammed a spade right into their roots, and covered them up with a rock. Well, I’ll be damned if the rock wasn’t rolled away and the flowers were in full majestic bloom on Sunday morning!”
Apr 2, 2010 at 12:33 pm rating: 35
Dude, at my painting studio, fucking paint thinner and paper towels get treated with more fucking respect than that wine does. Granted, it’s because paint thinner is flammable and an organic solvent and has to go in special receptacles, but Jeezy Creezy, they couldn’t at least come up with fanciful receptacles or a special wine-disposing ritual if that wine meant so much to them? *headdesk*
Apr 2, 2010 at 12:41 pm rating: 3
much to my chagrin
Don’t take my name in vain, Dad! …And don’t call me Jeezy Creezy!
Apr 2, 2010 at 1:05 pm rating: 9
Executive transvestite FTW!
Apr 2, 2010 at 3:10 pm rating: 5
I said, drink this wine it is my…favorite!
God how I love Eddie.
Apr 2, 2010 at 4:43 pm rating: 5
Hey, 2 pm is exactly when I get off work on Sundays! How ’bout that?
P.S. You have to have an parenthesis at the beginning somewhere if you want to have one at the end.)
Apr 2, 2010 at 12:43 pm rating: 4
and 2 pm is exactly when I force my-hungover-self to get up on…
P. S. there is a weak, after thought orange parenthesis in the begining.
Apr 2, 2010 at 12:54 pm rating: 0
Um, +1 point for realizing they fucked up the punctuation. -100 points for making it nigh impossible to see.
Apr 2, 2010 at 1:27 pm rating: 1
well, its been a while since i’ve gone to church, but when i was younger i remember reading a similar sign on the wall of the altar guild’s room. i think it is supposed to be more respectful to return the wine to the earth than pour it down a drain (which goes to the sewers).
Apr 2, 2010 at 12:49 pm rating: 2
So you pour the wine on the ground, where eventually it percolates down to the water table, from which the community eventually draws their drinking water. Before too long, everybody’s Catholic!
Apr 2, 2010 at 12:57 pm rating: 10
Apr 2, 2010 at 1:29 pm rating: 4
i’m not sure about Catholics, this was a Lutheran church. i’m a big ol’ mo now so i can’t really go find out if that rationale is correct or not haha.
Apr 2, 2010 at 2:02 pm rating: 3
God: Jesus! Get in here right now, me damn it.
Jesus: What’s crack-a-lackin, daddio?
God: Look at this! (gestures to mounds of pius poop, wads of blessed toilet paper and packs of sanctified sewer rats.)
Jesus: Me, Mom, and stupid, not-my-real-dad-but-tried-to-act-like-it guy who dipped your sloppies!!!! What the holy hell is this?
God: I figured you’d have an explanation.
Jesus: Hello? You’re THE LORD. You know all, pops, so why don’t you tell me what it is?
God: Don’t get wise with me, boy, I’ll send you back down there and let the Muslims crucify you this time. If you thought the Jews were testy, wait until those camel jockeys get their mitts on you.
Jesus: Camel Jockeys? Dude, that’s so uncool.
God: Thou shalt not be PC!
Jesus: Whatevs, dude.
God: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?
Jesus: er…’dad’. I said ‘whatever, dad.’
God: I thought you called me ‘dude’.
Jesus: No sir. Not me not at all. (gives God the finger behind his back)
God: Well, there are some things even I can’t explain and piles of shit in heaven are one of them. Do you know what this will do for Satan? What would you rather do, burn in a fiery lake for eternity with AC/DC and Pamela Anderson or wade through raw sewage with ass clowns like John Tesh and Billy Graham?
Jesus: Isn’t boinking Pamela Anderson like sticking your staff in a fiery lake that just about every rock star in the last 30 years was swimming in?
God: Yeah, but she has a great rack, so what are you going to do?
Jesus: Man, I do love those silicone implants. So firm, so round and they never sag.
God: True dat. Perfection. Anyway, about this poop…
Jesus: (rummaging through a mound of feces) I found this! (a flyer for casino night at Our Lady of Petty Scolding in Erie, Pa.)
God: That’s Pastor, James O’Boyles church! And I didn’t see a dime from that casino night.
Jesus: Like you ever do.
God: Do you think, oh my me, that they’re dumping your blood in the toilet?
Jesus: Man, that’s some fucked up shit!
God: I’ll have to have send him a sign.
Jesus: (tasting his finger) Yuck! Could you tell him to spring for a better bottle of wine? This Crane Lake Merlot is awful. It tastes like shit.
Apr 2, 2010 at 1:19 pm rating: 20
Thanks for the Claw!!!!
Apr 2, 2010 at 2:16 pm rating: 0
Apr 2, 2010 at 2:59 pm rating: 0
Nah man, they sag. They just sag with preternatural roundness, surprised-looking eyes flanking a tiny navel nose.
Apr 2, 2010 at 4:31 pm rating: 4
God: true dat
Apr 5, 2010 at 1:59 am rating: 0
How long before a post-it with the word “No” gets placed below the “Go to church” part of the second sign?
The second photo looks like it’s on the window of a restaurant. Why would they assume that all of their customers are Christians? Was it just supposed to be funny?
Apr 2, 2010 at 1:25 pm rating: 3
As far as I’ve seen, any one that fervent about their religion tends to assume that everyone is the same religion. Or else you’re just deluded, and that they can convince you that you ARE a member of that religion if they try hard enough.
Apr 2, 2010 at 5:39 pm rating: 2
Mama Kim is like a grandmother to all the kids at College of Charleston. Everyone loves her so much that I doubt any locals would take offense. She rocks (and makes a mean chicken bowl!)
Apr 3, 2010 at 5:15 pm rating: 0
@Jennifer: The context helps. Thanks.
Apr 5, 2010 at 12:29 pm rating: 1
Everyone knows that the most inappropriate vessel for the Sacred Blood of Jesus is church plumbing systems… hello!?!?!
Apr 2, 2010 at 1:29 pm rating: 2
Bert Banana: You don’t have a monkey wrench, do you?
Tammy Tangerine: Bert, I know what you’re thinking and…
Bert Banana: What, I’m not going to dismantle the pipes and drink from the U-trap. Heh…that’s what an animal does! (Mortimer turns on faucet)
Bert Banana: Dammit, Mortimer, you’re diluting it!
Apr 2, 2010 at 3:21 pm rating: 2
Well, there goes the water table.
Apr 2, 2010 at 8:00 pm rating: 4
I don’t care whose blood you say it is, I’m not drinking any unless it’s been screened for hepatitis C.
Apr 3, 2010 at 1:59 am rating: 2
My church’s congregation is so small…there’s a BYOB (bring your own blood) policy in place.
Apr 3, 2010 at 2:02 am rating: 2
Yay Mama Kim! I have loved that note since Mama Kim hung it. She’s like the quintessential passive-aggressive adoptive grandmother to all the kids at College of Charleston, and she makes a mean chicken bowl.
Apr 3, 2010 at 5:13 pm rating: 2
yes! i was just about to comment and say how excited i was to see a sign that i see all the time!!!! ohhh mama kims.. helping hungover cofc students one at a time… and those coupons in the campus saver coupon books don’t hurt either. thanks whoever sent this in!!
Apr 6, 2010 at 1:13 pm rating: 0
ATTENTION – ALTAR BOYS
Please wait outside on ground (unclothed). Pastor has requested that no whining about any activities that may occur, for Jesus Christ’s sake.
GOING TO THE AUTHORITIES IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN.
Apr 4, 2010 at 7:38 pm rating: 1
Of course, pouring the wine out on the ground is a very Pagan thing to do -returning it to the Mother Earth Goddess and all that.
Apr 5, 2010 at 3:30 am rating: 0
Haha! I live in Charleston (where the submitter snapped that picture from Mama Kim’s), and boy howdy, they take church so seriously around here that, on Easter, they closed the mall. The ENTIRE mall!
Apr 12, 2010 at 1:54 am rating: 0
Can’t he just wave his arms and “unbless” it afterward so it’s just wine again?
Apr 21, 2010 at 11:23 am rating: 0
— The Beast Among Us
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