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Coffee, mate?

April 7th, 2010 · 72 comments

So, you don’t want to share your super-special non-dairy creamer/handsoap with the rest of the office?

You could go for the semi-direct approach…

Not Community Property

But as Ocie in Petaluma, California witnessed, that might not be enough of a deterrent.

To the person or persons who continue to consume my Coffee-Mate coffee creamer in spite of my name being clearly marked on the container: PLEASE STOP!!!!

In that case, you could try to dial up the crazy a little more, like Nicole in Florida…

Dear Coffee Creamer Thief,  What part of DO NOT TOUCH don't you understand? This is NOT your creamer and I know you didn't ask me if you could have some. Get your own coffee creamer! >:( Querido Ladron de Crema! Que parte de NO TOCAR no entiende? Esta no es su crema y yo seque usted no me pregunto si podia tomasla. Compre tu propia crema para cafe!

Or you just might have to get a little bit creative.

BREAST MILK. Drink at your own risk. : /

URINE sample for my parole officer. Don't Touch.

“Truth be told,” says Mick in McLean, Virginia, “I never did check to see what was in the container.” (Which I guess was kinda the point, right?)

related: I, who should seriously lay off the caffeine

FILED UNDER: California · coffee · New York · Northern Virginia · office fridge · Orlando · piss · stealing · Texas

72 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Woman on the Verge bang

    I’m getting disgusted with these note-writers. Don’t they know that in addition to multiple exclamation marks, a true passive aggressive notes requires a minimum of two loosely related poorly rendered clipart images?

    Apr 7, 2010 at 1:29 pm   rating: 29  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Mo® bang

      And these are piss poor examples of P-A underlining!

      Apr 7, 2010 at 2:17 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #1.2   molly ringwald

      i believe they also need to include either a smiley face or a “thanks!” at the end… sometimes, “have a nice day!” also fits.

      PA note writers sure are lazy these days.

      Apr 7, 2010 at 2:42 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #1.3   farcical aquatic ceremony

      I KNOW that my sentiments are profound and important enough to merit some underlining…but–DAMMIT!–how do I know which words to emphasize???
      Eh, mebbe two randomly-placed verticals will do the trick.

      Apr 7, 2010 at 2:52 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #1.4   AuntyBron

      You’re over-thinking, my friend. Just randomly pick words. Or emphasize every 5th word. Or pretend you’re speaking English as a second language and silently (well, one hopes you’re silent) say what you want in a faux accent and emphasize the words that you silly accent emphasizes.

      Apr 7, 2010 at 11:58 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #1.5   Canthz_B bang

      I, for one, am appalled at the abuse of the Post-it notes.
      Those suckers can be hard to squeeze out of an office manager/supply sergeant.
      They are not community property, and should never be used to post PA notes in the office fridge.

      Apr 8, 2010 at 1:24 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #1.6   jo's comment

      those post-its don’t stick very well in cold conditions, would be much more PA to see a roll of sticky tape wrapped around it so it didn’t fall off

      Apr 8, 2010 at 5:38 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #2   infant tyrone bang

    At home, maybe creamer, probably cream, definitely cappuccino…
    But in a work environment, once you go black…

    Apr 7, 2010 at 1:32 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   martialartiste

      … you’re stuck with acid reflux?

      Apr 7, 2010 at 4:02 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #2.2   Canthz_B bang

      …you need a stronger comb?

      Apr 7, 2010 at 7:53 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #2.3   infant tyrone bang

      I was just going with the idea of knowing you’re guilt free and
      of not being tempted to play Russian Roulette by occasionally
      ‘borrowing’ other people’s possibly toxic flavor enhancers.

      But avoiding acid flashbacks and not being in hock
      to CVS or Sav-On would sure be great bonuses.

      Apr 7, 2010 at 10:12 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #2.4   ISUCK

      … you get AIDS?

      Apr 8, 2010 at 8:10 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #2.5   Canthz_B bang

      …you get to eat REAL mac-n-cheese?…but only if you’re cheesing like a real Mack!

      Apr 8, 2010 at 8:59 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #2.6   farcical aquatic ceremony

      @2.4: You have named yourself well. Feel free to take as much time away as necessary to become, you know, a better person.

      Apr 8, 2010 at 12:58 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

  • #3   Kit Kendrick

    Much to my shame, I protected my milk in the office fridge by drawing a “frownie” face on the cap with a sharpie. I felt ridiculous, but it worked.

    Apr 7, 2010 at 1:33 pm   rating: 31  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   The Great Joe Bivins

      If that stops working I recommend adding angry eyebrows.

      Apr 7, 2010 at 2:06 pm   rating: 42  small thumbs up

    • #3.2   Mitzibell bang

      “Mr. Yuck is … mean. Mr. Yuck is ….. GREEEEEN!”

      Anyone else remember those old poison-control public-affairs spots for kids?

      Apr 7, 2010 at 3:08 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #3.3   Fuschia Grown

      Oh hell yes. That green bastard made my bowels jiggle.

      Apr 7, 2010 at 3:23 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #3.4   Mitzibell bang

      Everyone, sing along:

      Apr 7, 2010 at 3:28 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #3.5   In your general direction, I fart...

      Oh, it “worked” all right: Mr. Angry-face made ME angry, and after pouring out an oz. of the good stuff into my daily brew, I replaced that oz. with some of my angry tears, angry pee, and angry spit. Later, judging the status of your bottle by its weight, and finding it unchanged, you relaxed with your own CoffeeMated brew. as my effluents are all (strangely) hazlenut-creme-flavored, you were none the wiser.

      Apr 7, 2010 at 8:16 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #4   QuarterRoy00 bang

    I was looking for a nice clean urine sample after last night’s crack binge!

    Thanks Office Fridge Fairy!

    Apr 7, 2010 at 1:37 pm   rating: 47  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Thanks!

      Hellz yeah!

      Apr 7, 2010 at 8:26 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #4.2   jo's comment

      yeew ….pee in the work fridge…with the work food???

      Apr 8, 2010 at 5:41 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #4.3   Bunnee

      QR, it may be a clean sample, but for some reason, it smells like cinnamon…

      That might raise a few eyebrows at the testing facility.

      Apr 8, 2010 at 9:10 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #4.4   Hmm...

      I’m still waiting for the follow up PAN about leaving bio-hazard materials in the refrigerator.

      Apr 8, 2010 at 9:55 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #5   Wade bang

    “Not community property”

    I didn’t know hazelnut coffeemate went well with tea.

    Apr 7, 2010 at 1:42 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #6   MrsRochester

    on parole for being a pathological liar

    Apr 7, 2010 at 1:51 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #7   Gunderson

    I like my coffee like my women. Tied up inside a burlap sack and thrown across the back of a burro.

    Apr 7, 2010 at 1:56 pm   rating: 26  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Sirius¤ bang

      I have the same luck with coffee that I do with women – it starts out hot, but usually turns cold and bitter.

      Apr 7, 2010 at 4:26 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #7.2   Thanks!

      I could say I have that same luck with men. :(

      Apr 7, 2010 at 8:27 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #8   Ellen

    After someone kept using my (at the time new & pricey) French Vanilla Princess creamer, I put a sign on it to read, “Coffee’s Little Bitch”. Small, discreet, & jolted the offender to stop.

    Apr 7, 2010 at 1:58 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

  • #9   The Leen

    One person where I work marks all her food items either with “I spit in it” or “I licked it.” After seeing this on many items and getting grossed out more than once, I wrote on one of the sticky notes “Then it’s a good thing I like other people’s saliva.” I haven’t seen those notes recently, come to think of it. Perhaps she realized that people who are going to use her stuff will use it regardless of whether or not she introduces bodily fluids into the conversation? Hey, at least I won’t get grossed out by images of her spitting into things anymore.

    Personally, I just put my food items in a plastic grocery bag and tie it up. No one can really see what’s inside and the knot deters them (because when you are going to steal someone else’s food, time is of the essence).

    Apr 7, 2010 at 2:00 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   Woman on the Verge bang

      I spit on this comment.

      Apr 7, 2010 at 2:21 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #9.2   Canthz_B bang

      Being upwind gives one so many more options in life!

      Apr 7, 2010 at 7:51 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #9.3   Bcteagirl

      And your father smells of elderberries!

      Apr 7, 2010 at 9:21 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #9.4   Blogmella bang

      @The Leen: If somebody wrote that, you should have written “So did I” underneath.

      Apr 11, 2010 at 4:19 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #10   SillyGirl

    I get mad when people use my stuff w/o permission, but what bothers me more is when they steal my food & then complain about the quality. Well gee, maybe if you paid for your own…

    Apr 7, 2010 at 2:15 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #11   chefgrrl

    Labeling the hazelnut creamer “Not Community Property” is not only PA, but also a little chickenshit. At least if he had signed it, he would have been owning up to being the PA Creamer Boy.

    Apr 7, 2010 at 2:24 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #12   brandine bang

    Oh, come on. Who doesn’t wish to retain custody of their non-dairy creamer after a particularly nasty divorce?

    Apr 7, 2010 at 2:42 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

  • #13   Mitzibell bang

    When the contents of this container disappear anyway, just look for the person with the yellow bandana in their right-hand-rear pants pocket ….

    Apr 7, 2010 at 3:12 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #14   wonkette

    maybe someone ought to invent a combination lock top for coffeemate?

    Apr 7, 2010 at 3:22 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #15   Fuschia Grown

    That urine sample was fucking delicious. Take that, parole officer.

    Apr 7, 2010 at 3:25 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   Woman on the Verge bang

      I’ve tried, but I cannot hate you, even after that comment, Fuschia.

      Apr 7, 2010 at 3:30 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #15.2   Fuschia Grown

      WotV, you fill me with gratitude from my toes to my scalp, which is nearly bald from exasperated fistings. Not *those* kind of fistings; I wouldn’t be so exasperated then.

      Anyroad, thank you.

      Apr 7, 2010 at 4:18 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #16   Critical Grass bang

    Don’t steal your co-worker’s coffeemate. It’s not nice! Ask first, if they say no THEN it’s okay to steal it.

    Apr 7, 2010 at 3:42 pm   rating: 23  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   Neeners

      I like the chunky Coffeemate, and the hazelnut chunks are the best in coffee.

      Apr 7, 2010 at 9:48 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #16.2   Err...

      Just how much coffee creamer can one person use in a business week?

      Apr 9, 2010 at 11:41 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #17   wampum sheep

    The Petaluma (second) note is useless. The coffee-mate swiper rationalizes that they are not taking much to make a difference. What’s one cup a day?

    Apr 7, 2010 at 4:16 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   Sean Jungian

      They might notice if you take the whole 8 ounces every day like that. Go for a half-cup instead, much more surreptitious.

      Apr 7, 2010 at 7:30 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #17.2   wampum sheep

      I meant if you had only one cup of coffee a day. What’s a teaspoon per day?
      Cause, yeah, a whole 16z is a lotta mate.

      Apr 7, 2010 at 8:27 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #18   Melissa B

    i have the urge to add in more exclamation points to that second note.

    Apr 7, 2010 at 4:37 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #19   SM

    Actually, depending what state they’re in and if the person who bought it is married, it might acutally be community property…

    Apr 7, 2010 at 4:40 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #20   Canthz_B bang

    Who the hell names their kid Coffee-Mate?

    Apr 7, 2010 at 7:42 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   catburglar

      Please Stop!!! is even worse.

      Apr 10, 2010 at 12:08 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #21   ThaMissus bang

    At my house anything tasty is consumed by some stealthy fridge-raider. The solution here seems to be:
    1. Decide you like something that no one else does.
    2. Put something really spicy in the last serving to discourage food theft.
    3. Come up with a way to keep the food ninja occupied long enough with opening whatever it is so that they get caught red-handed.
    It’s hit-and-miss really. I’m not fond of coffee-mate, I like regular half-and-half, even though that guy in my office likes to complain about being lactose intolerant every time he sees me using it. Makes me think he’s the coffee-mate thief in our office.

    Apr 7, 2010 at 7:48 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #22   Thanks!

    These types of notes bring flashbacks from working in an office with a crazy woman who would post notes in addition to her crazy outbursts. I only wish I had taken pictures because they were awesome and you guys would have loved them.

    So, now I stereotype these notewriters as insane and I’m glad I’m laidoff now. :P

    Apr 7, 2010 at 8:32 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #23   pilgrimchick

    Clearly, the last one would be the most effective. However, there are other, worse consequences that could befall that coffee creamer under these circumstances that the author didn’t consider.

    Apr 7, 2010 at 9:11 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #24   Neeners

    Coffeemate is ‘the’ gold standard of creamers you know, especially for those who enjoy processed food over a more natural cream that actually came out of a say…… a cow!

    I here that the stealing of the Coffeemate is punishable by cutting off hands and tongue, I think in Saudi Arabia or Affffffganistan or something….

    Apr 7, 2010 at 9:46 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #25   TheOldSchool

    The latin name for hazelnuts is “little witnesses.”

    Napoleon was the first military leader to make use of the hazelnut during warfare. Not only did he use the nuts as artillery, he would then (apres le battle) have his troops gather up all of the spent nuts into their fanny packs.

    Late at night, Napoloeon and his giggling men would perform skits while mincing about in women’s undergarments. (Their late night, post-battle behavior has been attributed to the fact that they were often, but not always, high on hazelnut-flavored cognac, opium-laced foie gras, and croque monsieurs or croque madames made with rancid meats.)

    Apr 7, 2010 at 11:58 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   Canthz_B bang

      I always knew Hazel had the nuts in that house, that’s why she always outsmarted Mr. B.

      *puts way-back machine back into man-sized safe…*

      Apr 8, 2010 at 1:29 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #25.2   infant tyrone bang

      Shirley you’d rather park it in that comfy Booth over there.

      *still trying to devise a way to get castmember Lynn (Natasha) Borden’s name into this w/o posting a YT link to I Don’t Want To Go To Chelsea

      **giving up on Filbert Gottfried and Who’s Afraid of Filbert Grape

      *** checked (so to speak) with Amarillo Slim, who confirms that Hazel always had the nuts, but who denies that Shirley Booth was an early Hollywood afficionado of Texas HoldEm

      Apr 8, 2010 at 9:39 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #25.3   TheOldSchool


      Perhaps you could have mentioned the work of Lou Dalgleish.

      Apr 8, 2010 at 1:33 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #25.4   infant tyrone bang

      If I’d known about her, Your Exellency, I soutane-ly would have.
      Mercí for the tip.

      Now I have to contact my old college buddy in London and tell him where he has to be on 5 May, which appears to be McHugh’s Basement in Belfast.

      Apparently she’s done this show to good reviews as far back as 2001, but…
      She appears to have a paltry 21 MySpace friends;
      she has no Facebook presence;
      Youtube doesn’t know her;
      her official home page is unresponsive.

      She can’t perform in public and then be as private as Pynchon…can she?
      Has the UK lit an enormous bonfire of salvia divinorum and transcended the Web, getting a head start on the 2012 thing ? I’ll fire me up a ‘missive (he likes ‘em rare) to the Professor and let y’all know if he’s got the skinny.

      Pendant ce temps, garçon, I’ll skip the croques du merde and order your foie gras and cognac. Oh, and the cigarette girl’s costume, if she’ll sell it.
      One must blend in with the troops, n’est-ce pas?

      ITSBE: any info on the rumours that Lou and Maria Bamford will team up for a concept CD (to be produced by U2′s Edge, with a cameo by B.B. Bordan, formerly of Molly Hatchet) based on the songs of Lizzie Borden ?

      Apr 8, 2010 at 2:56 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #26   Notes From Mother

    Sounds like something your mother would write.

    Apr 8, 2010 at 2:19 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #27   a-Arialist

    What is Coffe-Mate anyway? It sounds revolting – more like something that you would actually want stolen? What’s wrong with a splash of milk, like normal people?

    Apr 8, 2010 at 2:50 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   TippingCows

      These people clearly aren’t normal. You don’t see notes likes this on cartons of milk or half-and-half, do you now?

      Apr 8, 2010 at 3:34 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #28   Escape Goat

    I used to protect my brownies with a “Caution: Fecal Sample” sign. Somebody always at least one.

    Apr 8, 2010 at 9:11 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #29   nice girl79

    I have never had this problem and i have never had to leave a note on any of my property. This is because i have a personal policy. I buy food to share, oh i know it is a crazy concept but i never bring something to work unless i plan to share. There is no reason to get upset over stupid coffee creamer. People who get upset over these things are uptight and need to get a life.

    Apr 9, 2010 at 9:20 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #30   drollgirl

    BAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! i worked with a chick that busted a co-worker red-handed that was eating her lunch. she almost beat the shit out of him.

    Apr 9, 2010 at 6:06 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #31   Chii

    dude. if they got a mini fridge of their own @ the office…that might help. no? or just find less sleezy peeps @ work.

    Apr 10, 2010 at 1:16 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #32   drobbins bang

    Daves 4 life!

    Apr 13, 2010 at 9:34 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #33   Those heirloom tomatoes had sentimental value! |

    [...] That’s breastmilk! [...]

    Oct 7, 2010 at 2:20 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up


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